America's Next Top Model - Season 1, Episode 4
Previously on America's Next Top Model: The girls bitched and moaned about having their hair cut and dyed, while Adrianne did not bitch and moan, even after getting food poisoning. Ebony had crater-face, but that wasn't even close to the sin Nicole committed by not kissing Orange Jay's ass, and she was sent home. Seven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
New York. Jon, the personal trainer, wakes everyone up. They're grumpy. Adrianne checks her watch. She wears her watch to bed? Weirdo. Giselle, you'll be shocked to learn, is grousing about the judges' critiques at the last elimination. Seeing as how the judges loved her photo, she has absolutely no reason to be all pissy, but Giselle's not happy unless she has something to whine about. In fact, I had to write "Giselle is pissy" so many times, I've decided to replace all my "Giselle is pissy" comments with Giselle doing something really nice. That ought to cheer me up. The girls go to the hotel gym and exercise. Adrianne is still not feeling completely up to par, and looks like death warmed over. Later, Ebony interviews that since the judges' main concern was her skin texture, she's going to work really hard to fix that. Oh, Ebony. Your skin won't be their main concern for long. In all of her interviews this episode, Ebony is wearing light-colored contact lenses. They're extremely distracting, and not very attractive. Dark eyes are beautiful, Ebony! I'm so very sick of the entertainment industry's love affair with blue eyes. She begins rubbing herself down with an obscene amount of moisturizer. Giselle rescues a kitten from drowning while interviewing that Ebony is greasy and loud. What's funny is that in this candid shot of Ebony supposedly being all gross, she looks totally gorgeous.
Tyra Mail. The girls are shipped off to a studio theater. Tyra (wearing a really awesome green leather jacket) introduces them to Alice, an acting coach. I'm always suspicious of acting coaches. If they're so good at acting, why aren't they actors? Alice does nothing to shatter my preconceptions; her looks and personality are really very bland. Alice leads them through a bunch of theater exercises. Giselle (the dancer) flails wildly about, then slips, falls, and racks herself on the stage. HAHAHAHAHAHA! I mean, hey, are you OK? Adrianne and Shannon stage fight. Kesse and Ebony stage...uh...argue. They seem very realistic. Who would've thunk that Ebony could portray an angry woman so well?
Evening. Since some space has opened up due to eliminations, the girls are consolidated so that they'll be more cramped and act like total bitches for the cameras. Evil genius. Robin is pleased that the Christian Coven has one side of the suite to themselves. She's also wearing annoying colored contact lenses. Giselle bakes cookies for orphans. Suddenly, Miss J shows up wearing a spectacular fur coat. Heh. He wants to give them a sort of impromptu walking test. Shannon is still working the nasty slack jaw, because she is the Missing Link. Miss J tries to guide Ebony by touching her shoulder and freaks out over how slippery she is from the moisturizer. Everyone cracks up but Giselle who is sulking in the background because nobody's paying attention to her, so she picks up all the litter in Central Park. Robin asks Miss J to be the celebrity judge for their booty-shakin'-dance contest. Cause he's all about the ladies, y'all. Elyse does not deign to participate, acting very above-it-all (read: girl can't dance). Kesse looks completely adorable and rocks the dancing, though I'm now much more intimately acquainted with her ass than I ever needed to be. Adrianne is a little peeved, thinking Kesse won the dance contest because she did the splits. Adrianne doesn't see what that has to do with booty-shakin' (read: girl can't dance). She and Elyse gossip that Giselle said she was going to confront Ebony about leaving her greasy mess all over the doorknobs, which is pretty gross, I'll admit. Elyse hopes she'll have a ringside seat to what she calls the Giselle Vs. Ebony Anti-Grease Showdown. Snerk.
Morning. Adrianne cleans up the suite, which is really messy (though it looks more untidy than dirty). She calls the Christian Coven on being holier-than-thou, but leaving a bunch of crap laying everywhere. Adrianne is starting to creep onto my good side. Ebony is greasing herself up some more, while Giselle lazes around. Alice comes over to administer their acting challenge, which is just cold-reading some retarded monologue about getting dumped. The reward will be a massage, manicure, and pedicure, and the winner will get to choose two friends to share in the reward. The others will have to scrub the suite from top to bottom. They begin. Giselle sucks, but she's the first to go, so all the other girls have a chance to study the lines and sound more convincing. Nobody's particularly doing very well, except Robin. She really sounds great. Unsurprisingly, she is declared the winner, and even less surprisingly, she chooses the other members of the Coven to share in the reward. Giselle donates one of her paychecks to AIDS research. Adrianne seems almost glad that the suite is going to get cleaned, because her place is spotless, which she's demonstrating by making sparkling clean "Bling!" noises. Heh. Stop making me like you, Adrianne! Giselle picks this time to ask Ebony to wash her hands after she moisturizes because it's getting all over everything. She actually puts it very politely, which I'm sure was a strain for her. Of course, this doesn't stop Ebony from looking totally shattered. Dude, just rinse your hands. It's not a big deal.
Evening. Robin, Shannon, and Kesse get their massages right there in the suite so the others have to clean while watching the Coven get pampered. Oh, that's cruel. I like it. Kesse actually feels bad about forcing the losers to watch her. She is such a sweetie. Giselle is lazy some more, hanging around on the couch instead of cleaning. She actually sneaks into the room where the challenge winners are getting massaged, and asks the masseuse to give her a quick, little rubdown after he's done. The guy fucking agrees! Boo. I actually wouldn't care so much if Giselle had done a lick of cleaning or if I liked her more. As it is....shut up, Giselle. Ebony, who's in the room polishing a mirror, says "You've got to be kidding me." Giselle confronts her, and Ebony, being Ebony, snaps. She takes the completely wrong tack, attacking Giselle for being immature and unpopular, both are which are true, and both of which are completely irrelevant to her slacking off to get a massage. Bring that up, Ebony! She doesn't, of course. Kesse's making a bed in the background, trying to stay out of it. Giselle puts quarters in everyone's parking meters. Ebony pitches a fit some more to the other girls, as if they cared. She harps on the fact that she is competitive AGAIN. In all the times she has claimed to be such a competitor, I have yet to hear what she's yelling about have a single thing to do with the actual competition. She's just using it as a defense to be an asshole, which is unacceptable. Giselle does everyone's laundry. Ebony interviews that Giselle takes everything personally. Yeah, Giselle. Why would you take being called lazy, immature, and unpopular personally? Shut up, Ebony.
Later. Ebony gathers the girls to ask if it would be all right if her girlfriend came over for a while. Robin and Shannon interview that homosexuality is "offensive" and "an abomination to the Lord". Yeah, why can't you queers have Lord-approved relationships like OJ and Nicole Simpson? Those are wholesome. Robin says she doesn't want to be judgmental, because she knows she's coming off as the huge bigot she is. Shannon's not smart enough to realize how ridiculous she sounds. Conspicuously absent from these interviews? Kesse. I declare her out of the Coven. Adrianne interviews that the Coven will never make it in modeling if they're going to be so narrow-minded. OK, I like her. Damn. Ebony's girlfriend Ka shows up, and is adorably nervous. Everyone except the Coven comes to introduce themselves to her, and it is my first liking Giselle moment ever. Ebony completely transforms in Ka's presence. She's all sweet and likable. Awwww. Robin and Shannon continue to sulk in their room. Eat it, bitches. It's about time the intolerant people are the ones who have to hide. Ebony and Ka smooch goodbye, and Ka leaves. They should have totally had sex on the floor outside of the Coven's room.
The next morning is the photo shoot, which is not really a photo shoot at all, but a commercial. The girls are introduced to Loren, the director. The commercial will be for contact lenses. Aha! That explains why Ebony and Robin look all goofy this week. The girls learn their choreography. Kesse is adorable. Giselle gives a pint of blood to the Red Cross. Orange Jay is there, but is mercifully silent this week. Yay! Elyse has gotten her bra stuffed with some silicone implants, and Adrianne plays with them, poking at Elyse's boobs for, like, ten seconds. That was awesome. Everyone starts out kinda OK at the commercial except Shannon, who sucks ass at everything. Seriously, why is she still here? I'd take a thousand Katies over this ugly, slack-jawed, narrow-minded, talentless bitch. Tyra is watching the proceedings. Adrianne has a problem with her Chicago accent. She can't say the word "passion", but she's not saying it like she's from Chicago. She's saying it like she's in a junior high production of A Streetcar Named Desire. Paaaayysshhun. Robin is wonderful. Ebony is....not wonderful. Tyra looks pissed. That night, everyone learns that there will be an elimination the next day, and dissect each other's chances.
The next day. Everyone comes into the elimination room. Boring! I'm calling it the Chamber of Doom from now on. Adrianne has been wearing that camouflage bandana for about a week. That thing could probably stand up on its own by now. The judges are introduced, with guest judge Loren the director. They play the commercial, and it's really stupid. The final challenge will be another cold-read. Everyone sucks. Actually, Robin is pretty good. I get the feeling that if she wasn't a hypocritical, bigoted snatch, I'd really like Robin. I'm just saying. Judging. Janice makes fun of Shannon's 43,000 teeth, which made me so very happy. Everyone loves Kesse. Janice yells at Robin for calling her ma'am, because it makes her come off like a pageant queen, which is total bullshit. Janice doesn't like it because it makes her feel old. Shut up, Janice. Adrianne is finally taken to task for her annoying voice. The judges like Giselle. Ugh. Ebony was horrible at the reading and on the commercial. Nobody has any problems with Elyse.
Deliberations. Janice hates Robin for daring to address her with respect. Tyra thinks Shannon could be America's Sweetheart, and I don't hear the rest of the deliberations because my head just exploded.
Elimination. Kesse is safe. Elyse. Adrianne (though Tyra makes fun of her voice some more. Snap!). Robin, who Tyra criticizes for being too beauty queen, saying models hate beauty queens. As opposed to the rest of the world who think models and beauty queens are pretty much the same thing. Fucking Shannon. Would Giselle and Ebony please step forward? Giselle, you lack self-esteem (which is crap...that girl is nothing but self-esteem). Ebony has a chip on her shoulder. I think Ebony has the entire tree on her shoulder. Giselle is crying, but she needn't be, because Ebony's bluster can't hide her lack of talent anymore, and she's out. She leaves. Now THAT, Ebony, is being in a competition. Go back to Ka, so I can like you some more. She does the Back to the Future fadeout from the cast picture, and I notice for the first time that Shannon is working the omnipresent slack jaw in that shot, too. Fucking Shannon.
"Next week" on America's Next Top Model. The girls "sex it up", though it looks to me like they're dressing up like rodeo clowns. Sexy! Everyone thinks Elyse has an eating disorder. Oh, great.
Overall Grade: B-
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