The Rind - August 18, 2005

Well, my transformation to crazed fanatic is complete. I have now seen every single episode of The Amazing Race that has ever aired. I feel like I should get something for this. A box of Tagalongs, perhaps. So, as a new season looms, let's take a look back at the shows of yore, to see how they stack up.

The Amazing Race - Season 1

Reality shows' first seasons often have the most interesting casts; one that can never be quite matched again. The Amazing Race is no exception. It was extremely refreshing to see a show that had people who don't fit the neat stereotypes that you'd expect. New York frat boys who bicker like an old married couple. Gay men who aren't saints, but who clearly love each other. Mother and daughter whose relationship is strengthened by the stress of the journey, rather than devolving into screaming matches. The race itself was also very cool, because it was so new and the format had to evolve. The clues that the teams received were actual clues. The teams that made it to the final three made it because they were all extremely intelligent and capable. It was an incredible season with deserving winners.

Overall Grade: A

The Amazing Race - Season 2

The second season slid a bit backwards in quality. I'm not sure if the producers cast Wil and Tara because they were trying to achieve Frank and Margarita, part II or because they got overzealous in their search for the season's "villain" (the search for which got even worse in later seasons). Either way, it was a mistake. Reality show villains are supposed to be fun to hate. Wil was just tiresome. And the casting to type didn't stop there. You could almost see the producers going down some sort of "reality checklist". Do we have our requisite "old people"? Check. Hyper-religious types? Check. Muscly pretty boys? Check. It wasn't all bad. Mary/Peach and Oswald/Danny breathed some very fresh air into the race. Still, the season suffered from trying to replicate the first, rather than just being its own entity. If you compare the intelligence, drive, and capabilities of the final three from this season to those of the first season, it's easy to see how inferior this one was.

Overall Grade: C

The Amazing Race - Season 3

The producers seemed to learn their lesson from Season 2, and as a result cast some much more engaging people. Now, we didn't just have "old people" and "requisite jerks". This time, the old people were the requisite jerks. Not only that, but they were not pushovers like the inept grannies of Season 2. They raced their asses off, landing in a completely deserved second place. With far more people to root for than against, I liked this season immensely. The tasks were interesting and the locations beautiful. True, the eventual winner was a nice, but bland young man and a shrill, lazy woman, but it was certainly an improvement overall. Special mention has to go to Ken and Gerard, billed as brothers who were complete opposites, yet got along famously and were hilarious to boot. I'd have to say they are my second favorite team ever.

Overall Grade: B+

The Amazing Race - Season 4

Season 4 holds a special place in my heart, because it is the first one I saw. Looking back, I can see how people who had been watching all along don't like this one as much, because it's the first season to start casting a bunch of beautiful, vain, stupid people instead of the "real" people populating the first three. There were certainly a lot of pretty whiners in this bunch. Chip. Reichen. Kelly. Jon. David. Jeff. Tian. Jaree. Russell. All of these people either did model, or could. But pretty doesn't equal engaging. David and Jeff were so boring that I'd forget they existed when they weren't on screen. But. I loved it. I loved this season. I loved that I started off hating Tian and Jaree (well, mostly Tian), and wound up liking them. I loved the way the clowns started off as annoying and ended up as wonderful. I loved the rivalry between Kelly/Jon and Millie/Chuck. I loved seeing the snots (Josh), the slow (Steve/Dave), and the jerks (Russell) eliminated. And I loved Kelly and Jon. I have no idea why. They were obnoxious. They yelled. They weren't particularly smart about their choices. They lamely made fun of other people. But for some strange reason, they burrowed their way into my heart and stayed there: my favorite team of all time.

Overall Grade: A-



The Amazing Race - Season 5

When I first saw this season, I thought it was kind of disappointing, compared to Season 4. Looking back, though, I realize that it was pretty damn good. I don't enjoy stuntcasting, to put it mildly. I'd prefer the show to be populated with a bunch of nobodies that I get to know, so when I learned that the show had cast someone from Big Brother (which I never watched, but gathered that I'd hate it and everyone in it), and a dwarf, I was upset. Surely, the show was good enough on its own not to have to resort to such measures. But it worked out well, first with the annoying Alison and her equally annoying boyfriend being unceremoniously eliminated in the second episode, and second with Charla being a very interesting contestant. She was loud, and her cousin was louder, and they were enormous fun to watch. Not because she was a dwarf, but because she was an interesting woman. She said she had set out to break stereotypes about dwarves and she did. The overall storyarc of "good" (Chip/Kim) vs. "evil" (Colin/Christie), was very well done, ending in the joyous victory of Chip and Kim. A middle-aged black couple winning, rather than the blandly pretty youngsters who had won the previous four races was huge. Still, the season did have major problems. 1) The introduction of the Yield, which turned the race from a contest where luck and merit got you ahead to a contest where you tried to screw over other teams. 2) The whittling down the Fast Forwards to two. When there was one on every leg of the race, the strategy involved in when to use it was very cool. With two? There's no reason not to take it. None. Why have it at all? 3) The introduction of volume eating challenges. I have no problems with making the teams try something unfamiliar to them. But this is not Fear Factor. Two pounds of caviar? An entire ostrich egg? That is gross, and not just physically gross, but gross that a formerly classy race had turned into a such a spectacle.

Overall Grade: B-

The Amazing Race - Season 6

There's only two words to describe this season: Jonathan and Victoria. What would have been a great season was completely tainted by these "villains". They willingly played the jerks, knowing it would bring them notoriety and screentime. What they didn't realize was that these were not "fun" villains like Colin and Christie or Team Guido. They were wretched. When I think of Season 6, all I can think of is how much they sucked. And that itself sucks, because Kris/Jon, Gus/Hera, Don/Mary Jean, Kristy/Lena, Lori/Bolo, and Meredith/Maria were all extremely cool people. In fact, I think this season had the greatest number of teams that I liked, and yet I look back on this season with disgust. The abusiveness of Jonathan. The continuation of volume eating, to the point where people had to ingest their own vomit (classy, huh?). The winners being Freddy and Kendra, who were not accomplished racers in the least, and kind of jerks to boot. Just bleh. The only good thing about it was the introduction of the rule that teammates had to split the Roadblocks evenly. Good idea.

Overall Grade: C-

The Amazing Race - Season 7

Hoo boy. It was depressing that a single team could permeate a season with their crapitude, but at least everyone hated Jonathan as much as I did. What if a team permeates an entire season with their crapitude, but they're revered for it? Even worse. The stuntcasting of Rob and Amber was horrible, not only because I didn't like them, but because none of the other teams did either. So what was supposed to be a show about, you know, RACING, became a show about how mean Rob and Amber are and what are they doing now and how could they do that to me and SHUT UP. There was almost literally not one interview that didn't revolve around what Rob and Amber were up to, and that was just revolting. Rob himself didn't help matters, because he was more about scheming his way around rules and challenges than actually performing well at them, which is what I watch the show for. It may be intelligent to have locals do all your work for you and to take a penalty when the (admittedly gross) challenge doesn't appeal to you, but it is no fun to watch. Add to that the bickering "all-American" couple that we were supposed to love (and didn't - shut up, Kelly) and being "represented" by self-righteous assholes (shut up, Lynn and Alex) and you get one joyless experience. I'm glad Uchenna and Joyce won. But that doesn't redeem the season.

Overall Grade: D

The Amazing Race - Season 8

Who knows? It hasn't started yet. But looking up at the grades, and how they're starting to slide, I really hope it's a good one. I'm not optimistic about this family format, but I'm willing to give it a chance. Please, Amazing Race. Go back to being a good show.

The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model

America's Next Top Model - Season 1, Episode 8

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Robin wore an ugly leather dress. Robin invoked Jesus to insult Elyse. Robin murdered the English language. Robin pitched a fit about her makeover. Robin called a prayer meeting to belittle Ebony. Robin believed it was God's will for her to go shopping. Robin refused to pose semi-nude. Robin was eliminated. Limecrete rejoiced. Only three girls remain. Who will be America's Next Top Model?

New York. Elyse and Adrianne celebrate Robin's departure. Yay! And as an extra bonus, we get a scene of Adrianne thrusting her boobs at Elyse while mounting her, then dry-humping her wearing nothing but a pink nightie. Remind me again why straight men don't watch this show. Adrianne and Elyse have no problems with fucking Shannon, who interviews that she is looking forward to expressing herself a bit more openly now that Robin is gone. Can it be that the vast majority of my hatred of fucking Shannon stems from her being under Robin's thumb? Let's find out!

The girls discuss being in the final three. Tyra flounces in and talks up Fashion Week, during which the two finalists will be in a fashion show. She takes them to meet Drew, a fashion show producer. Once again, we are treated to "expert" opinions such as "sometimes you'll have to wear shoes that don't fit." Fascinating. Elyse is as bored as I am by the speech, and begins to glaze over, which Drew notices, and doesn't appreciate. Well, come up with something better to talk about, ass. You're not exactly imparting the wisdom of the ages, here. After their meeting, the girls horse around in the hotel. All three girls. There are no disapproving glares or snotty lectures. There are no self-righteous meltdowns or catty sniping. Adrianne melodramatically interviews in a Snidely Whiplash voice about her eeeeeevil influence over fucking Shannon. Hee. She does seem a lot better now, but if that's so, then I don't really understand why Robin had so much sway over her. Was fucking Shannon scared of pissing Robin off? Scared of disappointing someone she saw as sort of a mother figure? Being blackmailed? Why couldn't she be herself? In any event, she's much more tolerable now, so it seems a safe bet that fucking Robin will be taking that modifier home with her. Welcome, acceptable Shannon!

The girls have some free time, so they go window shopping together, and seem to have a grand old time. There is a completely gratuitous shot of an art museum and a completely gratuitous shot of someone (a policeman?) sticking something (a bright red traffic ticket? a flyer?) under a windshield wiper. Hmm...so, that happened. Back at the suite, there is Tyra Mail waiting. Adrianne reads it wearing those joke glasses you haven't seen since the late '80s. The girls will be going to a fashion show casting at Baby Phat fashions, home of the incredibly boring judge Kimora Lee Simmons, who I scarcely mention because she never says or does anything remotely interesting. They will have to demonstrate a particular type of model-walk. It's some sort of angry clomping down the runway, which Tyra demonstrates in the hall. As each of the girls practices, Tyra voices-over about their limitations. She feels Elyse's heart isn't in the competition, Shannon needs to be more edgy, and Adrianne is too rough around the edges. What Shannon needs to do is learn how to walk with her freaking mouth closed or get a dentist to take out some of those extraneous teeth. Tyra says she has no idea who will win.

Baby Phat. Kimora and Miss J are "judging" the walks. I mean, whoever's not eliminated automatically gets into the fashion show, and these walks have no bearing on the judging later, so this scene is essentially pointless. Everyone's walk is fine. They're all competent, which is more of a compliment of Shannon and disappointing for Adrianne. Elyse has never wowed me with her walk. Shannon, wonder of wonders, actually walks with her lips together, like, FINALLY. The next morning, more Tyra Mail arrives. Elimination looms already. Adrianne and Shannon both feel they've worked hard and deserve to win. Elyse, always on the same brainwave as me, interviews that this isn't exactly a merit-based competition, that a modeling contract isn't a God-given right, and that nobody really "deserves" to win. Well, I'd say Shannon doesn't really deserve to win, given that she weaseled out of one of the challenges, but whatever.

The girls enter the Chamber of Doom. The guest judge today is Drew the fashion show producer, who comes across as even more self-satisfied during this segment than he did earlier. Ugh. The final challenge is to give a few poses, which again, seems to have no bearing on the upcoming decision. What's really important is what I'd call the final interview question. Elyse is up first, and does the worst thing you could possibly do in this situation by 1) saying that modeling is all about physical beauty, implying that Tyra is an idiot, 2) talking about hormones being the underlying cause of beauty, implying that Tyra got where she is by luck instead of by determination or being "fierce", and 3) giving a long-winded scientific dissertation on beauty to a bunch of fashion-minded judges who probably aren't familiar with any chemical compounds other than Botox and cocaine. Drew plainly hates her. Adrianne is up next, and says she wants to be a model because she loves the limelight, and has the confidence to pull it off. Fair enough. Beau criticizes her "goofy smile", which she has never used during a photo shoot or challenge, and is thus utterly irrelevant. Shut up, Beau. Shannon. All of her final poses feature the slack jaw or the axe-murderer smile. I'm sorry to keep harping on it, but it really is that noticeable. It's like when you catch a goof in a movie and can't help but focus on it every time you see it. Shannon receives what I think is the most unfair of the final questions, which is a bunch of inside industry trivia, such as three photographers who shoot for Vogue (which she would have no reason to know) and her measurements (which...yeah, she should probably learn those).

Deliberations. Elyse is snotty and is only right for high fashion. Adrianne is too tomboyish. Shannon is too commercial and "safe". In other words, the same criticisms we've been hearing from Day One. Drew particularly didn't like that Shannon couldn't come up with the photographers' names. It's just as much bullshit as it was three minutes ago, so stow it, you albino-lookin' fuckstick. Elimination time. The girls are all asked how badly they want to win. They all want it. Riveting. Shannon is the first to receive a photo. Will Elyse and Adrianne please step forward? Adrianne needs to work on her speech. Elyse isn't commercial enough and lords her intelligence over others. All good points. And...Adrianne receives the photo. Aw. Elyse bucks a trend by not bursting into tears. She spanks Adrianne, then group hugs her and Shannon. She is typically spot-on in her exit interview, saying she did come across as a bit arrogant and condescending, but that she had a good time, and is kind of relieved that the decision was made for her. Now she can toodle off and be a doctor. Thanks for making the show completely awesome, Elyse.

OK, we're down to the final stretch. Adrianne and Shannon go to get their hair done for the upcoming fashion show. Well, not "done", but more "maintained". Weaves strengthened, roots touched up - that sort of thing. Later that day, they head off for dinner with Tyra, Miss J, and Orange Jay, who is blissfully absent for most of this episode. Tyra welcomes them, and....what the holy hell is going on with Tyra's hair? She's got a single ponytail jutting off to the side. Tyra, Debbie Gibson called, and she is pissed. Everyone rehashes the eliminated girls and how much they liked or disliked them. If you're keeping score? Neither Katie nor Robin will be taking home the Miss Congeniality crown. After dinner, everyone dances around like complete loons (except Orange Jay, thank goodness - many thanks to the editors who cut him out of 99% of this episode). Back at the suite, the girls prepare themselves for the next day's fashion show. Adrianne is exasperated to find a zit, and Shannon excitedly asks if she can pop it. Hee. Shannon's all likable now! I never would have thought it possible.

Morning. A bunch of scenes preceding the fashion show that are frankly really dull. Basically, they get fitted and have their hair done in an atrocious poofy frizz. Tyra interviews (in an ugly outfit that makes her look like she was just rejected for the chorus of Newsies) that there is no room for error on the runway. No retouches, no additional shots, etc. Both girls are nervous. I'm afraid there isn't much to say about the show. Both girls do a fine job. The outfits are not as hideous as I expected them to be. The judges cheer. Later, it's time for the final judging. Adrianne and Shannon wish each other luck. Tyra blah blah blahs about what a long road it's been, and then it's time to do the portfolio comparison. Shannon's "best" pictures are the Snake (Episode 3), the Football Slut (Episode 5), the Sub-Zero Bikini (Episode 1), and the Parisian Wonderbra (Episode 6). I say "best" because none of them are that good. I'd give each one a solid meh. Adrianne's best photos are the Snake (I agree - it's great), the Sub-Zero Bikini (perfectly fine), the Football Slut (I disagree - it's not impressive), the Parisian Wonderbra (again, no - and the judges didn't even like this one at the time, so why are they calling it one of her best?), and the Nude Shot (Episode 7, and they're right - she looks fantastic). Overall, this isn't even close. When it comes to the portfolio, Adrianne wins by a landslide in my opinion.

Deliberations, sans guest judge. The judges seem to feel that Shannon "won" the fashion show, though Beau seems to favor Adrianne. We get the same limitations explained to us again, i.e.: Shannon is too safe, and Adrianne is too unrefined. Tyra says that she didn't expect Adrianne to make it out of the semi-finals. Ouch. The judges bicker a bit more, then agree to make a decision. The girls come back in. Heh. The winner's portrait is covered by a cloth, in order to make the reveal as dramatic as possible. OK. America's next top model is.....

Adrianne. To her credit, Shannon immediately turns and congratulates her. Adrianne's jaw hangs open in shock, and then she starts to cry. She and Shannon hug. Shannon interviews that she's very pleased with second place. And I'm pleased you managed to redeem yourself somewhat, Shannon. Adrianne does her victory yell as she hugs the judges, then:

Adrianne: "I don't know what to feel. I feel I love Janice Dickinson!"
Janice: "Well, I didn't vote for you."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh man, that was sweet. Can you believe Janice isn't going to be on the show next season? What a travesty. Adrianne gives us her parting words. The words that convey her emotions, speak of what she has learned, and describe what the future holds for her. The words we shall remember her by. Those words? "It kicks so much ass." Wow. Poignant.

That season completely rocked. Good photos, good challenges, good household drama. Very impressive debut, Tyra. And a hundred million thanks once again to Rood for the use of her DVDs. You are totally fierce.

Overall Grade: A-

The Girls Who Get Really Naked

America's Next Top Model - Season 1, Episode 7

Previously on France's Next Top Model: The girls left the Big Apple for Paris, the city of Lights, Love, and Molestation. Everyone hated Robin. Everyone loved Kesse. Well, everyone except for the judges, who sent her back to Arkansas. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Paris. Adrianne and Elyse head down for breakfast and talk about how bad it sucks that Kesse's gone. Why are the pictures in the background blurred out? Weird. Robin and Shannon are back in the hotel room, also lamenting the loss. They consult their Bibles, I guess looking for the Book of Kesse ("Thou shalt not shop for moisturizer when thou art in the midst of a timed challenge." - Kesse 3:7). Back at the breakfast table, Adrianne interviews about the divide between these two factions. "I believe in God. I'm just not psychotic about it," she deadpans. Heh.

Later, the girls get made up by Very Special Makeup Artist Tyra Banks for their black and white close up photo, shot by Very Special Photographer Tyra Banks. There is absolutely no point to this scene except to show how wonderful and creative Tyra is. That's fine, Tyra. Keep stroking your ego for a minute or two. I'm going to get a glass of water.

OK, I'm back. The girls interview how much they want to win the competition. Robin says that she wants to win because it will bring her great power. Because the chicks you see thrusting their boobs at you from the pages of Cosmopolitan RULE THE WORLD. After the shoot, the girls head to Carven, which is apparently the oldest couture company in Paris. Um...impressive? The girls test out some perfume and check out the one-of-a-kind clothing available. Of course fucking Shannon selects the ugliest thing in the room as her favorite. Let me see if I can describe this shirt. It's covered in silver sequins, except for a heart shape made of red sequins placed right where your heart would be. Also, a white fur collar. It's completely hideous. The girls then meet Pascal, the creative director. He looks like he's about 4'8", but I think models are supposed to be really tall, so maybe my comparison is off. Montage of the girls trying on those high-fashion clothes you see in magazines and on runways, but never in real life, because they're expensive and fugly. Pascal gives them gift bags of...something. Perfume, maybe? They never show us, which was kind of irritating.

Evening. Tyra Mail arrives letting the girls know that they'll have some free time tomorrow. Adrianne wants to go see Jim Morrison's grave. Robin wants to go shopping. Well, this conundrum is easily solved. They could either split up for the day, do both, or agree that both activities are totally stupid, given that you can go shopping anytime and Jim Morrison is an overrated hack. Of course, what fun would going for the easy solution be when you can throw a giant tantrum? Elyse suggests the compromise of going to the grave, then shopping, saying she doesn't want to split into two groups. Er....why? So she can spend more quality time with Robin? I am at a loss to explain why Elyse thinks they all need to stick together. Robin reacts predictably, saying she wants to go shopping, and doesn't budge from that. She even manages to somehow bring up Elyse's atheism as some sort of reason why she shouldn't have to do something that Adrianne wants to do.

I just give up on Robin. Every week she pulls something like this. I don't have the strength to keep railing against every selfish, rude, hypocritical, annoying, obnoxious, self-serving, disingenuous, bitchy, prissy, whiny, fucked-up thing she does. Suffice it to say she's an awful human being, and I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire. Elyse flees the room in tears. I want to feel bad for her, but, I mean...catch up, Elyse. Robin has been like this from Day 1. Stop trying to be her friend and write her off as the useless bitch she is. Adrianne goes down to comfort Elyse, and makes a lot of very astute statements about how Robin's Shield of Christianity is really a smokescreen so she can get away with murder. That seems to calm Elyse down. Adrianne interviews that she wouldn't be surprised if Robin actually worshipped Satan instead of Jesus. I'd say they're both wrong. Robin worships Robin.

Morning. All pretense of friendship is gone, and the polarization between Elyse/Adrianne and Shannon/Robin is complete. Elyse and Adrianne set off to find Jim Morrison's grave, which they cannot do, because I believe his body was moved after his grave was defaced a bunch of times. I can't imagine someone caring about Jim Morrison that much. Did the Doors really set the music world aflame? Enough to make a stupid movie starring stupid Val Kilmer? Whatever. I'm sure the musicians I admire have their share of detractors. Anyhow, Elyse doesn't particularly want to do this, but she doesn't mind hanging out with Adrianne, which Adrianne appreciates. Robin and fucking Shannon hit the Gap. Yes, the Gap. Because they really want to soak up that French culture. When everyone gets back to the hotel, they have to hurry up and get ready to head back to Carven. Pascal describes their upcoming challenge, which is really kind of skeevy. He uses some artful euphemisms, but the gist is that the girls will be taken out to dinner by some Frenchmen, and whoever kisses their asses the most successfully wins the challenge, a night in a luxury suite.

Evening. The girls are wearing clothes from Carven. Robin's dress sure is pretty. That's about the only nice thing about Robin in this scene, as she completely ignores everyone else to read her Bible, which would be rude in a normal setting, let alone a challenge in which you're supposed to be fawning over some guy. Adrianne calls Robin a bitch in an interview, and does a hilarious impression of fucking Shannon's 400-toothed maniacal smile. The night on the town sequence is boring and not worth talking about, suffice it to say that Adrianne wins the challenge, and picks Elyse to share the room with her. Merry music plays as Adrianne and Elyse jump on the enormous bed. Adrianne relaxes in the enormous tub. Elyse wolfs down some chocolate cake. They pretend they're having a romantic evening together, and Adrianne carries Elyse over the threshold. In bed, they both giggle as they whip off their tops. I think someone slipped them some funny mushrooms. "Good night, slut-ho," Adrianne says as they settle in for the night.

Morning. Fucking Shannon brushes her enormous teeth. Today is the photo shoot, and it will be an ad for diamonds. Orange Jay will be doing the makeup and directing the girls on set. This is normally where I'd pitch a fit about Orange Jay and how much I hate him, but he's really very tolerable this week. He tells the girls that this will be a nude shot. The editors actually insert the sound of crickets chirping, which was completely awesome. They meet Patrick, the photographer, and they're off to hair and makeup. Fucking Shannon cries, and Robin again consults her Bible ("You shall bend to my will. To deny me is to be eliminated." - Tyra 1:4) as Adrianne disrobes. Adrianne looks terrific. I mean, I'm not getting any lustful stirrings or anything, but still.....nice. Elyse gears up to go next. Orange Jay wins some points with me by trying to placate a bitch-faced Robin and a nervous Shannon. He tells them that the room will be sectioned off so nobody will see them. He describes ways of appearing nude without actually being nude. He asks them to share their concerns with him. It's actually really respectful. Where's the Orange Jay that harangued Nicole for not wanting to go to a stupid party? Robin cites religion again, some more and refuses to do the shoot. Wow, isn't it great that what God wants and what is convenient for Robin always seem to sync up? That is so freaky! A plainly terrified Shannon says she wants to try the band (that's the thing they wrap around your chest to sort of invisibly hide your boobs), and it's my first official liking Shannon moment, ever. Robin, all alone out on her limb, backpedals furiously and says she'd like to try the band too.

Orange Jay gossips with Elyse that Robin is acting all shy about her body now, but flashed him her boobs and jiggled them at him while at Carven, which I find a little hard to believe. Apparently, Tyra saw this happen too, so what do I know? Maybe Robin's a wanton sex goddess when the cameras aren't rolling. Elyse starts her posing session and looks equally as wonderful as Adrianne did. They've got the sort of competitive vibe/friendship that Kahlen and Naima had in Cycle 4. When Orange Jay goes back to get Shannon for her turn, she's changed her mind and doesn't want to do the shoot anymore. Hmmm...interesting that she would flip after being left alone with Robin for a few minutes. Orange Jay is on the same page I am, and asks if Robin has anything to do with her decision. Shannon (back to fucking Shannon because my liking her lasted about forty-five seconds) denies this, but it's clear that's what has happened. Now supported by her sycophantic backup, Robin also refuses to do the shoot. Insert your own rant about how evil Robin is here.

The girls pack up to leave Paris. Adrianne loved her time there, but Robin isn't so gushing. She interviews that the moments she had in Paris weren't her "most happiest". Nor her most grammatical, I assume. Actually, who am I kidding? They probably were her most grammatical. We should count ourselves lucky that we can understand her without an interpreter. Also, maybe your moments in Paris would have been "more happier" if you hadn't been such an obnoxious brat the whole time. Back in New York, the girls return to their hotel. They're being consolidated into a single room, which Adrianne notes with an extremely saracastic "spectacular". Heh. I started off not liking Adrianne too much, and now she's giving Elyse a run for her money in the My Best Friend department. The girls learn there will be an elimination the next day, so really putting them all in one room upon their return from Paris was completely pointless.

Robin interviews that she's proud that she stuck by her guns, and if she's eliminated, it's basically God's fault. Handy. The girls enter the Chamber of Doom. The guest judge is Derek Khan, who is the girls' stylist, and has makeup on that makes him look like someone's slugged him in the eye. Whatever. He's almost as much of an attention whore as Giselle was, so I'll be ignoring him. The final challenge is to create a high-fashion outfit in ten minutes out of components that the girls will find upstairs. And...they're off! And...they're back! Elyse looks wonderful. The judges love her outfit, her photo, and everything about her. Yay! Fucking Shannon is wearing some sort of shimmering silver outfit that makes her look like a baked potato ready to toss onto the grill. The judges discuss the lack of a photo, and point out that if she doesn't want to simulate nudity, then perhaps she SHOULDN'T BE A MODEL. She's so dumb. There are no complaints about Adrianne. Janice calls her photo "exquisite", and it really is. Robin. Her outfit is fine (by the judges' standards, not mine). Tyra shreds her for being unashamed of her nudity at Carven, but covering up at the shoot. Robin tries to explain herself, but the judges don't want to hear it. They tell her she could have been a role model for plus-sized women everywhere by doing the shoot. I think that's a little far-fetched, but as long as they're yelling at her, I'm happy. The judges are tired of her attitude and "perfect" facade. Everyone hates her. Especially Jesus.

Deliberations. More of the same. Elimination. Elyse is safe. Adrianne is safe, and needs to show more femininity in person, or whatever. Would Shannon and Robin please step forward? Robin, it's great that you have such a rigid moral code - when it suits you. Shannon, you're boring. But boring wins over bitchy, and finally...FINALLY, Robin is eliminated. Oh, thank the blessed virgin. I never thought I'd be so happy to see fucking Shannon safe. Shannon hugs the other girls as Robin leaves. I could almost swear that Adrianne gives her the evil eye on the way out. Robin's exit interview is typically meaningless blather, capped by the phrase "my work here is done." Well, if your job was to annoy the everloving piss out of me? Mission accomplished.

"Next week" on America's Next Top Model: Fashion week. The girls will strut their stuff, and we're going to have a winner! And it's not going to be Robin! Hooray!

Overall Grade: B+