The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 1
Previously on The Amazing Race: Jonathan and Victoria ruined an entire season. Then Rob and Amber ruined an entire season. Who will ruin the entire season this time around? Let's find out!
We open in New York City. Phil informs us that we're experiencing an Amazing Race first: 10 families (with 4 members each) will be racing for one. million. dollars. He also neglects to insert his usual "around the world" into this speech, which is a big hint that this race will never leave the states. That's not very amazing. I guess The Unremarkable Race wouldn't have been as attractive to advertisers. The teams are now making their way to the Fulton Ferry State Park in Brooklyn in doofy-looking water taxis. Let's get acquainted, shall we?
The Gaghan Family: Glastonbury, Connecticut. Well, I'm certainly gaggin'. Mostly because young Billy irritates the piss out of me the second he opens his mouth. His sister Carissa doesn't seem too bad (although she claims to be "not schtoooopid"), and looks disturbingly like Dakota Fanning. Tammy (the mother) says that the other teams will "underestimate" them. She also says that the entire family runs marathons together and that Carissa can run a seven-minute mile. They all run marathons together? I should call my parents and thank them for never choosing a hobby like that for our family. Bill (the father) doesn't say a word, but is weirdly hot. That'll come in handy.
The Linz Family: Cincinnati, Ohio. A team of siblings made up of three brothers (Tommy, Nick and Alex), and one sister (Megan). Their introductory clip shows them flinging beanbags at each other. Whatever. Then we see a shot of the brothers doing bicep curls using their sister as the weight. I'm sure that wasn't their idea, but that will not be the last of the oddly incestuous things we'll see from them tonight. Freaks. Alex says that Megan and Tommy have a lot of maturing to do. Oh, and he mentions the electric company, which instantly puts the C....AT....CAT! M....AT....MAT! bit into my head. Tommy retorts that Alex is hardly one to talk about financial independence, given that he lives at home with the folks. Burn!
The Paolo Family: Carmel, New York. Mom, dad, and their two boys. Tony is a sanitation worker and Italian, but I am not even going there. He's thrilled with his wife Marion and sons DJ and Brian. It'd be nice to be charmed by Tony's story about coming to the states from Italy and living the American dream, but it's hard to swallow once his family spends the rest of the episode acting like complete dicks.
The Black Family: Woodbridge, Virginia. Mom (Kim), dad (Reggie), and their two boys (Kenneth and Austin). Hee. OK, let's get this out of the way. The Black family is black. Yes, it's juvenile. Yes, it's still funny. I hate their coordinated tye-dye shirts. Aside from that, all four of them are completely adorable, and pretty likable as well.
The Bransen Family: Park Ridge, Illinois. Father (Walter) and his three daughters (Lindsay, Elizabeth, and Lauren). Jeez, I can't tell any of the girls apart. One of the Triplets of NotQuiteBelleville says that when the three of them get together, they tend to make fun of their dad. Well, that's understandable. My sister and I do the same thing to any unlucky parent that happens to be in the room with us, although I think these three would be better off making fun of Dad's haircut (if that's even real hair) than his name. Wal-Dur isn't really that witty, ladies. Might want to work on that before you hit open mike night at the Chuckle Hut.
The Weaver Family: Ormond Beach, Florida. Speaking of bad hair. At least with the Bransens, it's just Walter. This family sure shows solidarity in their fug. Widow Linda is traveling with her three kids Rachel, Rebecca, and Rolly. They named a child Rolly? On purpose? OK, Weavers. You've got poorly dyed hair and a kid named Rolly. Care to go for the white trash hat trick? They do. Seems the father was called home to Jesus a bit early because he went out onto a racetrack to collect some debris and was run down by a car. I don't know the circumstances of the accident, and I don't want to make light of their tragedy, but yeah. Speeding racecars are often found on racetracks in the middle of races.
The Aiello Family: Mansfield, Massachusetts. Patriarch Tony is taking along his three sons-in-law Kevin, Matt, and David. That's an interesting family dynamic, given that none of these four are related by blood. I like them on sight, and I swear it has nothing to do with the fact that I find Matt extremely attractive. Well, maybe a little. But they do seem to genuinely enjoy each other's company, which is more than I can say for a lot of these teams.
The Shroeder Family: New Orleans, Louisiana. And yes, I have heard through the grapevine that this family has lost a great deal to Hurricane Katrina. How can we make ourselves feel even a tiny bit better about their loss? By meeting them. Father Mark and his two children Stassi and Hunter, along with Mark's second wife Char. Stassi? Char? Did they just choose names by pulling random Scrabble tiles out of a bag? The Schroeders are supposed to be our designated dickheads, since Char describes the family attitude as "we're right and everyone else is wrong" and Mark refers to his toolishness as a "boisterous attitude". I say supposed to be because they shan't be claiming the title of Most Hated Team tonight. I don't know if that's a compliment or an insult.
The Godlewski Family: Des Plaines, Illinois. Four sisters (Michelle, Christine, Sharon, and Tricia). All blond, all loud. They also play the "we'll be underestimated" card. And they're all wearing pink, which makes me a little barfy.
The Rogers Family: Shreveport, Louisiana. Mom (Renee), dad (Denny), and their two kids (Brittney and Brock). Denny does not get off to a promising start when he describes how he's the authority figure cause he's the man of the house. They also say that they'll be underestimated (like...are there even any teams left to underestimate all these people?) because they're from the South, and so people will give in to their preconceived notions about slow-witted southerners. I would suggest to them that if they wish to fight against that stereotype, they start by not thumping that Bible quite so loudly. Also, Denny says that people view southern charm as a weakness. He's welcome to start displaying that charm any time now. Both of the kids are very cute; Brittney in a bubbly-cheerleader kind of way and Brock in a homina-homina-duh kind of way.
Criminy, that's a lot of people. Well, the sooner we start, the sooner we can eliminate some of them. Phil explains the rules of the game, with the addition that teams will not have to pay for gasoline in addition to not paying for airline tickets (another hint that they're remaining stateside). He raises his arm for the traditional "Good luck. Travel safe. [fourteen years of silence]. GO!!!!!!" The teams dash for their luggage, and I notice that Little Miss Seven-Minute Mile isn't exactly tearing it up, here. Everyone reaches the clue. It tells them to drive themselves to SoHo (by going across the Brooklyn Bridge into Manhattan) and find a store called Eastern Mountain Sports to pick up some camping gear. They get $150 dollars for the leg (and it seems like the camping gear will not be subtracted from this - what are they spending this money on?). Everyone piles into their ginormous SUVs. Billy (Gaghan) continues to bug by nonchalantly commenting that SoHo is a nice place, as if he brunches there on the weekends when he doesn't have any pressing business meetings. I really hope puberty knocks some of the priss out of this kid. The Weavers pull out of the parking lot first, and we're led into the opening credits with Linda celebrating their early lead by squealing like a goddamn pig.
Credits. These horrible "OK, everyone turn their heads to the camera...NOW!" shots have got to go. The teams hurriedly drive out of the parking lot and begin desperately searching for the Brooklyn Bridge. The Weavers have already lost their lead and are begging the Lord to help them find SoHo. Well, that was a quick slide from "We rock!" to "Help us win some money, Jesus!" There is really not much traffic around, which is pretty surprising. A few teams make some wrong turns, but everyone mostly finds their way onto the bridge without much trouble, though it's worth noting that some teams (like the Paolos) scream at each other about directions, while other teams (like...EVERYONE ELSE) manage to talk about their plans without having a complete batshit meltdown. The rest of the trip is a lot of interviews and intercutting, so we'll just hit the highlights: the Weavers call the Godlewskis the "Desperate Housewives", which is the dumbest nickname ever given by one team to another, ever. The Gaghans and the Linzes wind up side-by-side and agree to help each other find the store. The Godlewskis ask someone where the "town of SoHo" is.
Blood Ray: "Well, I guess if there can be a village of Greenwich, there can be a town of SoHo."
The Godlewskis get another nickname from the Schroeder car, the Pink Ladies. That suits them much better, although Mark follows up this comment with something witless about silicone, so they still suck. Reggie (Black) says that he needs the rest of the family to keep an eye out for the store, since he has to concentrate on driving. Kenneth says he'll look out of the left side of the car. Austin calls the right. They're really anxious to help and cooperate, and that whole family is just awesome. Plus? If I were straight, and Kim weren't married? Call me. In contrast we cut to the Paolos who are still sniping at each other. I'd say that they could not possibly need to shut up more, but I should pace myself with these twits.
The Linzes and Gaghans are the first to find Eastern Mountain Sports. They run in, pick up the gear that's assigned to them, grab their next clue, and run out. Riveting. The clue tells them to "find a frank on 91st between Park and Lexington." Phil exposits that they have to go more than 90 blocks to a hot dog stand to pick up their next clue. And who's manning the hot dog stand? Why it's Kevin and Drew, from Season 1! Why the producers passed up an opportunity to put Frank and Margarita there is beyond me. Maybe they didn't grow up listening to as many bad puns as I did. Thanks, Dad! The Godlewskis and Shroeders find the store next. The Paolos are still lost. The Paolos are still annoying.
Commercials. Buy the Season 1 DVDs and see Frank and Margarita! It's like they heard me 40 seconds too late.
The Paolos are still yelling. Yawn. I've decided to ignore them from now on unless they do anything of note. The Aiellos have found the store. So have the Weavers, who are ecstatic. I doubt I'd be as happy about falling from first place to sixth, but who am I to intrude on their joy? The Bransens and Rogers (I guess I should call them the Rogerses, but that sounds so goofy every time I say it - nobody minds if I flagrantly flout the laws of grammar this one time, right?) also find the store in short order, but not before the Weavers, still shrieking with happiness, knock over an entire display, then run out of the store. What are they doing as they run out? They're still screaming. The Bransens note this with disdain. I feel you, ladies. The Rogers come out and Brittney asks a local for directions in the most charming southern accent you could ever imagine. What is this strange feeling? It's almost as if my dislike of the Rogers family is slowly draining out. Of course, Denny hasn't spoken since the beginning of the episode. That may have a lot to do with it. Kenneth Black spots the store. Kenneth! That wasn't your side of the car to look out of! You're getting punished later! That puts the Paolos in last place. That puts the Paolos in last place. I'm sorry, I needed to say that twice in order to fully experience the moment.
On the way to the not-so-Frank stand, the Linz brothers all gang up on Megan, and Carissa Gaghan spots the highway they need. Man, the young kids are really pulling their weight today, what with the sign spotting. Except Billy of course. He still sucks. The Schroeder family is having some trouble with the now thicker traffic, so Mark says "Too bad we don't have any handicapped children we could push into traffic to block traffic to help us get ahead." The rest of the family laughs uproariously at this. Yeah, he's kidding. It doesn't matter. I'm not even offended on behalf of handicapped people. I'm offended on behalf of funny people. If you're going to denigrate other people, at least do it well. Char tells him that it's a good thing his mother goes to church; otherwise he'd be going straight to hell. Is that how church works? How many services does she have to go to to make up for one handicapped joke? If he tells a Pollack joke, does she have to go to more or fewer? The Bransens pass the Weavers. The Weavers? You guessed it. Scream. The Rogers are also catching up to the Weavers. Pop quiz: How do the Weavers respond to this?
The Linzes are the first to the hot dog stand. Megan grabs the clue. None of them recognize Kevin and Drew. Ouch! The clue tells them to cross the George Washington Bridge, and go 97 miles through New Jersey and into Pennsylvania to find Washington Crossing, where Washington...crossed. The Delaware River, that is. Carissa Gaghan jumps out of the car to grab their clue. They don't recognize Kevin and Drew either. Double ouch! Stassi Schroeder gets the clue. No recognition. Triple ouch! One of the Pink Ladies (who isn't Sharon, who is the only one I can pick out) gets the clue. No recognition. Quadruple ouch! Tony Aiello. Clue. Quintuple ouch! Two of the Bransen girls. Clue. Sextuple ouch! Drew watches them bounce away and says "I'd like to be on their team." Naughty! Brock (Rogers) and Rolly (Weaver) get to the hot dog stand at the same time. This time Kevin and Drew do a preemtive introduction. Brock and Rolly couldn't care less. I'll give that another two ouches. Octuple ouch!
Linda (Weaver) reads the clue, and is seriously confused by the word Pennsylvania. "I don't know if that means, like the state Pennsylvania?" she says. Oof. The Linzes stop for directions at a gas station. Gas is $2.19 a gallon. Ah, the good old days. They are also confused about the whole Pennsylvania thing, as are the Gaghans. Did all these people have to pass, like, some sort of negative IQ test before they were accepted on this show? It's Pennsylvania, not Liechtenstein. The Blacks find the hot dog stand, and I'm beyond the scope of my vocabulary for poor Kevin and Drew. Nontuple ouch? The Paolos finally arrive, and one of the boys (I'm not bothering to learn which is which) scores the first point for the family by knowing who Kevin and Drew are. Ah, validation.
Everyone has to stop and ask directions. I'm not sure how helpful any directions are going to be to the Weavers, since Linda is currently saying "Pennsylvania may be a state. I don't know. I'm just totally confused." Yeah. The only direction I'd give Linda is "Go back in time and have your tubes tied before you have any children so we can spare the world from your genes." They stop to look at a map a truck driver shows them. They offer to buy it and he gives it to them free. The normal thing to do would be to say "Thank you." But this is the Weavers we're talking about. "God bless you! Stick to the Lord! Do you know the Lord?!" Is she...proselytizing? To someone who just helped them? Oh, for the love of fuck. I almost wish I had been that truck driver, so that when she pulled that I could say "Yes, I know the Lord, and He just told me to tell you to give me my fucking map back."
First to Washington Crossing is the Aiellos. Yay! The Bransens are right on their tail. Semi-yay! Both teams grab a clue, which tells them to choose a rowboat (each with its own George Washington impersonator), row across the river, get a colonial 13-starred flag, row back, and observe a flag-folding ceremony. Aiellos rowing. Bransens rowing. The current looks really strong. Both teams do a good job, and are careful not to drag the flag in the water. The Shroeders are following the Pink Ladies, then get all mad when both teams get lost. Well, either work it out for yourselves or accept the consequences, dumbasses. Everyone's cranky.
Commercials. Oh, great. Another movie about golf. Those always do so well.
The Aiellos (I still feel funny calling them that, since only one is really an Aiello, but we'll go with it) are still rowing, and talking about "stroking it". Blood Ray and I exchange raised eyebrows, but that's just way too easy. The Rogers find the clue box. Yay? I'm still undecided on them. The Weavers find the clue box. Oh, this one is easy. BOO! The Gaghans find it. Yay, except for Billy! The Aiellos finish up their rowing just as the Weavers start theirs. Tony Aiello hands the flag to two more minutemen-lookin' guys, and talks about how patriotic he felt watching the flag get folded. Aw. I remember when I was patriotic. I miss it. They get their next clue. They have to go to Fairmount Park. Awesome! Oh, wait. They don't mean the horse track near here. They mean the one in Philadelphia. They'll be camping there for the night. Boring! The horse track would have been way better. Once the team pitches their tent properly, they get a ticket for a departure time: 10:00 AM, 10:30 AM, or 11:00 AM.
The Bransens finish up the flag ceremony. They're rightfully proud of being in second place. The Shroeders find the clue box, so they're in sixth. They jump into the river and start squabbling so uselessly that George Washington has to tell them how to do the task (his first hint: paddle together. Thanks, George! No wonder this country admires you so much). Brock and Rolly are once again neck and neck as they grab their flags. The Weaver boat totally takes off, leaving one of the daughters (whichever one has the worst dye job) swimming behind it, trying to catch up. Hah! The Rogers and Weavers head back and pass the Shroeders and Gaghans coming the other way. "How did they get here before us?" one of the Shroeders whines. Um, remember when you got really lost for a long time? Maybe then, genius.
The Rogers and Weavers head for Belmont Plateau (the campground in Fairmount Park where they'll be camping), still unable to shake each other. Brock is hot. The Gaghans completely dust the Shroeders on the river. You'll keep in mind that one of the Gaghans is a nine-year-old girl. Char tells Hunter not to dip the flag in the water because it's "sacrilegious or something." That's OK. I'm sure Mark's mom can just go to church until it's paid off. More beauty shots of the flag being folded. The Shroeders encounter no less than ten directional highway signs all right next to each other. The fuck? Maybe the Pennsylvania Chamber of Commerce can use that for their next tourism ad. Come to Pennsylvania and get totally back assward lost! The Blacks arrive and once again, one of the kids (I can't tell which) spots the clue box that Reggie has just blown by. Good job! Shots of all the remaining teams driving around lost. The Blacks aren't really doing a great job on the river, and Austin is on the brink of tears because he can't fight the current. Aw.
Commercials. I called dibs on Kate Winslet before Blood Ray. Sweet. Then he turns around and calls Bill Gaghan before me. Fucker.
The Blacks are still having river issues. The Aiellos are already arriving at the campsite. Yay! They find a bunch of bored-looking boy scouts. Love America! Love it! Are you loving it yet? Better say yes, damn it! The Bransens and Rogers are a bit lost, so the Weavers find the campsite next. Boo! You'll never guess what they do when they find it. They scream. Again. Some more. There's a bit of a mini-race to see who can put the tent up first, but the Aiellos figure out that the tent poles are color-coded and efficiently work together, whereas the Weavers don't know what Pennsylvania is. The Gaghans pull into the campsite in third. Nice job. The Bransens finally arrive. The Aiellos finish and get their 10:00 departure ticket (and are happy about it). The Weavers finish and get their 10:00 departure ticket (and are upset about it). It's the earliest time! Man, they're dumb. Carissa hammers away on her tent spike. The Gaghans get a 10:00 departure ticket too. The Bransens are done, but getting lost cost them; they're the first team to get a 10:30 ticket.
Kenneth and Austin are picking up their flag. The Pink Ladies finally find Washington's Crossing. Wow, they fell really far back. They kick the river's ass, though. The Linzes find it next. Even with three muscly boys, they seem to struggle significantly more than the Pink Ladies did. They finish up with their flag ceremony as the Paolos pull in, still firmly in last place. The Rogers get to the campsite, and the Aiellos help them put their tent up. Aw. So even though the Rogers got lost, they'll be leaving at 10:30 with the Bransens. The Shroeders arrive, and nobody volunteers to help them with their tent. Awesome. They're 10:30 too. The Paolos give their flag to the minuteman, and Marion rudely asks them to speed it up. Uh, oh. Duck and cover! Sure enough, as they jog back to their car, she drops the clue onto the ground without noticing.
Blood Ray: "See? Disrespect the flag and lose your clue."
They manage to almost get onto the wrong highway. Disrespect the flag and get lost! Although, they've been getting lost since they took their first step away from the starting line, so whatever. They realize they don't have the clue, and Marion squawks that they have to go back. "Un-friggin'-believable!" one of the brats yells. Disrespect the flag and be stuck with a shitty family!
Commercials. Portraying gas stations as wonderful havens and bastions of customer service may not be the wisest idea at this time. I'm just saying.
The Paolos earn their second point by remembering what the clue said, so they decide to go on without it. The Blacks hit the campsite to cheers from the other teams. They also get help from others on their tent. Suck it, Shroeders! Carissa hammers away at a tent spike, much as she did before. She really enjoys that. The Blacks will be leaving at 11:00. Sucks for them. They finally get a lead on the trailing teams, and now they're bunched back with them. Oh, well. Nature of the game. They're still pleased with how they're doing, capping it with a little cheer. One, two, three...BLACK FAMILY! That is still hilarious, by the way. The Pink Ladies arrive and also get loads of help with the tent. Suck it some more, Shroeders! The Pink Ladies say that they have chocolate chip cookies for everyone. Score! And the Paolos aren't there, so they won't get any. Double score! The Linzes finally arrive. More tent help. Carissa is back on the tent spike. Hehehe. The Paolos find their way to the campsite, and much as I hate them, that's pretty impressive without the clue.
Rainy morning. Ew. Camping in the rain is the worst. 10:00 AM. The Aiellos, Weavers, and Gaghans get their clue. They have to go another 90 odd miles to Brubaker Farm in Mount Joy, Pennsylvania. Amish country! I've been there. Good apple butter. We get some shots of cows to make sure that we get that they're going to a farm. Thanks, editors. I was confused for a second, there. The Weavers talk about how much they love God. Glad to hear it. 10:30 AM. Bransens, Shroeders, and Rogers. Char has a really ugly raincoat. Even that can't compete with the hat that one of the Bransen girls is wearing, though. It's like a powder blue newsboy cap. Does she think she's Carrie Bradshaw? Take that shit off. The Shroeders decide to follow the Rogers. Because following a team worked out so well for them before. 11:00 AM. Loser teams. That is, the Blacks, the Pink Ladies (Godlewskis), the Linzes, and the Paolos. One of the Linzes lusts after one of the Pink Ladies. I almost wish he'd go for it so we could see her shoot him down. The Paolos, you'll be shocked to learn, are fighting and already lost. More cow shots.
The Weavers pass some Amish kids and are first to the clue. Grrrr. And this will be our first Detour: Build It or Buggy It. In Build It, teams are given a bunch of materials and tools, and they have to build a miniature working waterwheel. In Buggy It, teams have to push an Amish buggy one and a half miles with two team members riding inside. The way Phil explains it, it sounds pretty balanced. The Weavers choose the buggy, as do the Aiellos and Gaghans, who arrive just after them. As the Aiellos catch up to the Weavers, both teams approach a downhill slope. The Weaver buggy begins to pick up speed, and they lose control, unable to apply the brake for whatever reason. Linda hits the ground and the buggy freaking runs over her. I mean, it looks like she was extremely lucky in that it passed over her without hitting her, but still. The woman whose husband got run over by a car just got run over by a buggy while her children watched. That must have been completely terrifying for them. One really has to wonder if God's as wild about them as they are about Him.
Commercials. Watch this crime drama on CBS! Or this other crime drama on CBS! Or this third crime drama on CBS!
The show is kind enough to replay the buggy incident for those with an extremely short memory. It looks like the Weavers are not only lucky that Linda didn't get hit, but that the runaway buggy kind of rolls up onto a nearby hill and stops on its own, rather than crashing into the nearby building, which could have been really bad. Linda seems to think it was a faulty brake on the buggy. I couldn't really tell if it was defective or they just didn't know how to work it properly. They interview about how scary it was, but score a point by shaking it off fairly quickly. The Aiellos pass them by, so they choose to ditch the buggy and go build the waterwheel, warning the Gaghans as they pass by to check their own brakes.
The Bransens are lost again. So are the Rogers and Shroeders. The Linzes seem to be on the right path, and one of them in the back seat reaches up and tickles whoever's driving (I can't really differentiate the brothers right now), under his armpit. Um, ew. If you're an adult, raise your hand if you consider tickling your adult sibling not-at-all creepy. Those of you with your hands up, please use it on the nearest phone to seek counseling immediately. The Pink Ladies seem to be doing fine too, both in directions and in not engaging in weird sibling behavior. The Blacks and Paolos are trailing. By some weird quirk, the Linzes, Pink Ladies, and Bransens all arrive at Mount Joy at the same time. In a fateful decision, the Linzes head for the buggy, while the Pink Ladies go for the waterwheel. They wish each other luck. Aw. The Bransens head for the waterwheel as well. In the Linz buggy, that...other brother cuts one, which cracks Megan up. Those of you who think it's charming when the sibling sitting three inches from you rips ass, raise your hand. Hey, it's the same people! And you're still crazy! We get another shot of cows, which I swear is like the twentieth one we've seen so far.
Meanwhile, the Gaghans are catching up on the Aiellos. That makes sense, given that they're toting two little kids, who are bound to be lighter than Tony and big, strong Matt. Ah, Matt. Hang on, I'm gonna just drift for a second... OK, I'm back. That was pleasant. Less pleasant is Billy Gaghan singing "She'll Be Comin' Round the Mountain When She Comes" in an irritating Western accent. Well, at least he's singing something from the public domain. That'll save the show money. The Aiellos look pissed, though I can't tell if it's due to getting passed, or listening to the kids merrily singing. Another shot of cows! Cripes. We're back watching the builders. The Blacks arrive at Mount Joy, and choose the waterwheel. Another shot of cows! The Gaghans reach the halfway point of the buggy course and turn around. A shot of a goat. Well, that's changing it up. Billy Gaghan says he wishes he could contribute more. Carissa: "Get used to it, dork." Hah! Awesome. The Shroeders find Mount Joy and go for the waterwheel. So do the Rogers. The Paolos are once again last. Well, I hate them, but I can take comfort in the fact that there's no way in hell they're winning this race. They choose waterwheel too. The Shroeders call the Paolos "the jerky team" or "the Jersey team", I don't know which. I'll pick whichever one is more insulting. The Linzes are having buggy issues.
Commercials. A movie with Jessica Alba and Paul Walker? Why not just show two hours of paint drying? It'll pull in more money.
The Linzes are at a standstill. They eventually get moving. The Weavers are done with their waterwheel. Huh? They started with the buggy, failed, came back, and built the waterwheel all before the team that started the buggy at the same time finished it? That's fishy. They head for the pit stop, two blue silos at Rohrer Family Farm in Lancaster, 17 miles away. The building teams are all still building, and it looks like the Blacks are significantly behind. The Pink Ladies are done building. OK, what the fuck? They arrived at the Detour in fifth place, and have now passed all of the teams that got there in front of them (all of whom chose the buggy), and are leaving in second place. There is absolutely, even given the Aiellos' weight, no way that the Pink Ladies should have beaten them. In short, it's an extremely poorly designed Detour, with the buggy having zero advantages. Speaking of, the Gaghans finally finish it. The Bransens are done with their waterwheel, and it looks like they take a wrong turn when they leave, though I can't really tell. The Aiellos are done with the buggy. God, finally. The Linzes are still buggying, and not doing very well, having to take several breaks for water. Over still more shots of cows, whichever brother was in the buggy and farted decides he has to puke. Since he's not the one doing any of the manual labor, I really don't see why. Motion sickness? Whatever. He's extremely impressed with himself afterwards. Yeah, you're uber. That's why eight other people, including two young kids, managed to go a mile and a half without rowlfing.
The Weavers thank the Lord for not being hurt in the buggy accident, and I totally feel them on that one. Of course, the second they do, they get hopelessly lost, so it seems that God still kind of hates them. The Pink Ladies are on the right track, but one of them (Tricia, maybe?) babbles endlessly and unhelpfully about what road they're going to, while the others are trying to discuss what road they're actually on. Shut up, Possibly Tricia. The Gaghans deservedly congratulate themselves on a job well done with the buggy. Back in the Pink Lady car, another sister brays about how blue silos are a popular color. They are? No, they're not. Shut up, Possibly Christine. The Weavers are being annoying again and the Gaghans are being cute again, but all for naught. Despite their bickering, the Pink Ladies have found the silos and hit the mat as team number one. The greeter is adorable, and seems fairly bemused at their squeals of joy. They win $20,000. Jeebus! They all begin talking at the same time, which I'd find more annoying if they weren't all sisters. My stepsisters do that constantly. It's kinda funny.
The Weavers and Gaghans pull in to the farm at the same time, and it's a footrace to the mat. They don't know they're not fighting over first place, but it's awesome to watch them battle for a meaningless position, since they'll be leaving two seconds apart on the next leg anyway. The Gaghans dust the Weavers. Nice! I like the Gaghans much more than I did at the beginning of the episode. The Aiellos and Bransens are on their way, the latter family worrying about being lost. I'd worry more about that goddamn hat, Bransen lady girl (seriously, they're indistinguishable at this point). Back at the Detour, the Blacks are still progressing very slowly, the Paolos are still fighting, the Shroeders are having some problems finding all their parts, and the Rogers are done. Yay! Wow, I like them a lot more than I did at the beginning, too. They take off for the pit stop. The Linzes drag the buggy. You'll remember that they arrived in Mount Joy at the same time as the Pink Ladies, who are now enjoying their 20 grand at the pit stop. Bad Detour + They Suck = Ouch. The Shroeders manage to get a part of their waterwheel wedged incorrectly.
Commercials. I don't know about you, but if it starts raining shoes on me as I'm walking down the street, I'm not going to be as happy about it as these morons.
The Shroeders work it out, and they're off. The Paolos are done, too. This Detour is 97 kinds of confusing. The Blacks arrived at the Detour in seventh place and chose the waterwheel, but have been passed by the Rogers, Shroeders, and Paolos, who all seemed to arrive a pretty long time after they did. Are they that terrible at the building? In the car to the pit stop, the Paolo boys yell at their mom for pretty much no reason until she starts crying. Tony does nothing about it. They're all so charming. I wish I could have Thanksgiving with them. So I could shove a wishbone down their throats. The Blacks build their waterwheel shittily. The Linzes pull their buggy shittily.
Aha! Through clever use of the pause button and CBS.com, I have decided that the Bransen girl with the ugly hat is Elizabeth. Aren't you glad? Shut up, Elizabeth's hat. The Aiellos hit some bad traffic. "This is incredibly nerve-wracking for a Boston driver," David says. Well, sure. The rest of us love gridlock. The Rogers have found the pit stop, and check in as team number four. Sweet. They made up all sorts of time. More shots of cows. The Shroeders hit as team five. The fucking Paolos fucking find the silos and fucking check in as fucking team fucking six. Fuck. Cows! The Linzes' gym-toned bodies are powerless against the awesome force of their buggy. COWS!! The Blacks finish up their waterwheel. Austin goes to get some water and falls in a little stream. He yells for help. I want to be like, "kid, just stand up...you're fine", but he's just so darn cute. I mean, look at him! Reggie comes and plucks him out of the stream.
The Bransens find the silos, having fallen from fifth to seventh. They are the worst navigators ever. The Aiellos find the silos, having fallen from second to eighth. I take it back. They're the worst navigators ever. The Blacks and Linzes are done with their respective Detours, and take different roads to Lancaster. Both teams are worried, but the Blacks are dealing with it by supporting each other, while the Linzes are dealing with it by bickering. The Linzes seem to spot the silos first, though they take about 40 years to figure out that they're blue. The editing makes it look extremely close, but I'm thinking it's not. The Linzes manage to hit the mat in ninth. Crap. The Blacks are nowhere to be seen as they check in. They finally arrive and are eliminated. Austin and Kenneth are clearly about to burst into tears, but manage to hold it together. That's OK, I'll burst into tears for them. I didn't, but if I were watching this alone, I probably would have. They all talk about how proud they are of each other, and how it was the opportunity of a lifetime. Oh, this sucks. I really wish they could have hung in there for longer.
Next week on The Amazing Race: Instead of watching the awesome Black family, we get to watch the Paolo family continue to do everything but the one thing they need, which is to shut the fuck up. The teams wander into a Civil War reenactment, and it looks like Walter might just join the corpses there. Oh, by the way? The answer to the pop quiz: By screaming. If you got it wrong, you have to wear a dunce cap for a week. No, make it Elizabeth's hat. That'd be crueler.
Overall Grade: B+
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