Road to Runway

Project Runway - Season 2, Episode 1

I haven't had the pleasure of seeing this show before, but several people told me it would be right up my alley, so I decided to give the Season 2 premiere a whirl. Not half bad. I know next to nothing about clothing styles, but I do know what's ugly, so why not throw my judgmental hat into the ring along with everyone else? Hit it!

We begin with an overly lengthy recap of Season 1. Seriously, for a minute I thought I had taped the wrong show, since I knew BRAVO was running some sort of Project Runway marathon beforehand. Let's skip all that. I know I'm going to be watching Season 1 retroactively, so I'd rather not revisit too much of it now. And here is Heidi "not quite Miss Banks" Klum to fill us in. 16 designers will compete for the "opportunity of a lifetime". To degrade themselves on national television for the shot at some attention? Oh, I guess she means to showcase their clothing design talent. My bad. We start in New York, where Season 1's Jay joins a panel of judges. We get a sorry parade of losers (including a woman who has weirdly dressed up her doll, but to be honest, the dress itself is quite cool), before someone with promise. Meet Diana Eng. She's from Jacksonville, Florida, and she designs her dresses from a scientific, mathematical, and technological standpoint. I like her on sight. She seems to be lacking in, ah, social graces, but appears earnest, intelligent, and kind, which goes a long way with me. Plus, check out her stuff. She's designed a top that has a heart rate monitor and a camera hooked in. When you get excited about something, your heart rate increases, and the camera snaps a shot of whatever you're looking at! Cool! I'd love to see this top in action on the set of a porno movie. Diana is welcomed as a semi-finalist.

On day two, Season 1's Austin will be the guest judge. He's looking particularly Hedwigish today. Some more unfortunate souls pass by before we meet Zulema Griffin, from New York, New York. She says she will bring a mix of high fashion, street culture, and mutlicuturalism to her designs. Sounds good to me. Sounds good to the judges as well, so she's in. Down in Houston, Season 1's Wendy gives advice to the hopefuls in line. From what I've read about Wendy, the only advice she's fit to give is a lecture entitled "How to make everyone in the world hate you in the shortest span of time possible". Every reality show has a Wendy. She doesn't seem to realize that being the Wendy is not a compliment. The Houston semi-finalist is Chloe Dao. I really like her dresses, and the way she explains them. She's straightforward about her motivations without being overdramatic. Thumbs up on the Chloe.

Season 1's Robert is helping out on the panel in Miami. Well, not so much "helping out" as "hitting on auditioning women out by the pool, drinking, and bragging about how Playgirl wants to shoot him for a full spread". Translation: "I am straight. STRAAAAAAAIGHT!!!!!" I tease, but he doesn't seem like a bad sort. Not coincidentally, Miami's semi-finalist is a thin, pretty blond girl. Her name is Heidi Standridge, from Atlanta. That's an impressive accent she's sporting. It sounds a little bit like she's playing it up for the judges, but what does my Midwestern ass know? Finally, in Los Angeles, Season 1's Kara joins the judges' panel. Apparently, the judges were under strict instructions to be on the lookout for disturbing facial hair. Nick Verreos has a model actually strut her stuff wearing his (very pretty) dress. He's in. Raymundo Baltazar not only has disturbing facial hair, but disturbing eyebrows to match. He's like an uglier (and Mexican) version of George Michael. And for the disturbing facial hair trifecta, we meet Santino Rice. Really, all three of the gentlemen have some lovely designs. It's just that I want to attack their nasty beards with a razor, then toss them all into a vat of Suave.

Parade of famewhorish losers not worth talking about. Then, a surprise. The guy who got cut first in Season 1, Daniel Franco, is back for another go. He'd like another opportunity to compete, and I guess the producers felt the grinding of what's left of his spirit into a fine paste would make for good TV, because he's in. He seems really nervous from the get go. I hate his haircut, but he seems like a nice guy.

After the commercials, Heidi explains the first challenge to us. The sixteen semi-finalists were all sent six yards of fabric (muslin) and twenty dollars for supplies. They were then given a week to create a dress that best expresses who they are as a designer. We zoom to New York to meet all the semi-finalists we didn't meet before. Guadalupe Vidal is ugly and kind of obnoxious, but her dresses incorporate a lot of bright colors, which I really like. Kirsten Ehrig is a lawyer, but designs swimsuits on the side. She's boring. Her suits are not. Andrae Gonzalo had a shop that went out of business, so this will be a good opportunity for him. Of course, if the public doesn't like his work enough to keep his shop open, I'm not sure professional judges are going to cut him any more slack. Daniel Vosovic. Daniel is so greaslkdfjasdhf. I mean he's drjkfhdfhuettt. I'm sorry, every time I try to describe him, I fall asleep and my head hits the keyboard. Kara Janx has two things working for her already, which are her long, straight hair (beautiful!) and her South African accent (beautiful!). Who cares if she can design? Just have her read to me. A very imposing man is asked by Andrae if he's studied at a lot of "academes". Andrae and I are going to have problems, you guys. The imposing man and I are not. He is Emmett McCarthy. He's intelligent, articulate, and good-looking. Who cares if he can design? Just have him snuggle up to me while Kara reads to us. John Wade is one of those unfortunate people who thinks that wearing dumb clothes makes him look hip and unique rather than dumb. He's wearing one of those Little Rascal boy ties that I hate, and joins the Unfortunate Facial Hair Brigade. Feh. He explains over shots of his designs that he's going for a "unique and innovate aesthetic." Translation: "I'm not talented enough to create attractive clothing, so I'll make weird-ass, pug fugly shit and try to pass it off as edgy." Marla Duran's hook is that she's a Woman of a Certain Age, but I don't see how that would hinder her in fashion design. Well, maybe in that she doesn't know what the kids and their disposable income are wearing these days, but she seems like a good egg. Ladies and gents, our sixteen designers.

A very pregnant Heidi comes out of Parsons (a design school), welcomes them, and introduces Tim Gunn, who was one of the panel judges, is a higher up at Parsons, and will be the designers' mentor. He welcomes them as well. Everyone goes into the workspace. There are sixteen designers, but only fourteen workspaces. Whatever shall be done? Well, I'll tell you. In two hours, the designers will be judged on the dresses they made to express themselves, and two of them are going home. They have been randomly assigned models for this challenge. A few designers explain their designs to us. Nick's is really pretty. I love autumny colors like that. John's is summery and peach-colored, with that sort of pineapple slice design that comes from tie-dyeing cloth on it. I like it. Zulema shreds it in an interview, calling it too simple. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Season 2's Wendy. With 1 and 1/2 hours until the runway show (um...why did it take half an hour to pull the dresses out of a garment bag and put it on a mannequin?), the models arrive and match themselves up with the designer they've been assigned to. They introduce themselves. Tarah is gorgeous.

Tim Gunn interrupts everyone to tell them to hurry up, so the models go into hair and makeup. Everyone stresses out, particularly Diana. The skirt she designed is fastened with magnets, and somehow, one of the magnets has reversed polarity (I'll bet something at the airport did that), so the dress repels itself, rather than closing. Uh, oh. My heart seizes a little bit for Diana. Please don't get cut in the first hour! Tim Gunn tells Kirsten to hurry up. More models get makeup. One of the models has quite an impressive nose going on there. It's certainly not an attractive nose, but it makes her look unique, and I'll take that kind of look over a bunch of pretty blandness, Nicole. I can't believe she won America's Next Top Model. Boo. Anyhow, time's up. Everyone scuttles off to the runway, except Daniel Franco, who's still frantically trying to fix his dress' sagging bustline. He's out of time, though, so he heads for the runway, bordering on nervous collapse.

After the commercials, Heidi joins the designers on the runway. Man, is she pregnant. She explains for the second time that only fourteen of the designers will progress. She explains the challenge for the third time. Heidi, we really get it now. Express yourself. 14 finalists. Got it. Seriously. She also tells them that a week to design is a long time, so these dresses better be awesome. Let's meet the judges. Michael Kors is a fashion designer, and looks kind of icky. He strikes me as one of those guys that gets drunk and puts his hand uninvited on your thigh. Just a first impression. He probably reads to blind children on the weekends or something. Nina Garcia is the fashion director of Elle magazine (first impression: ice queen). And of course, Heidi herself will be a judge. She explains again that two people will be cut. Gah! Heidi, I promise to tattoo the fact that only fourteen people progress if you promise to shut up about it. Whoever has the highest score will win the challenge. Let's start the show.

Big nose model (hereafter nose...I mean known as Grace) comes out first, wearing Chloe's dress. There's really not much to the dress, but at least it's attractive. Lesley Anne is wearing Raymundo's dress. I'm a huge fan of green, but something about this dress isn't working for me. I think it's the combination of the green, the animal print at the bottom of the dress, and that weird feather thing he's stuck on her shoulder. The dress is too busy, I guess. Daniel V.'s dress is as boring as he is. I'm calling him Danzzz from now on to differentiate between him and Daniel Franco. Tarah is wearing Nick's dress, and I still love it and her. Again, that feather at the shoulder needs to come out, but besides that, it's beautiful. Heather is wearing Santino's dress. It's a bit too...what's the word? Pleated? There's too many folds in it for my tastes, and what is with those extra flaps at the hips? The back of it is really pretty, though. Rachael is wearing Zulema's dress, and bitchy as Zulema is, this is a very attractive dress. I didn't even notice the big 'ol shoulder pads until she points them out in an interview. Maria is wearing Emmett's dress. I hate pink. Still, there are some very interesting designs cut out at the neckline and shoulder. I think I'd like it more if I had more time to look at it. Let's just get a big box, write UGLY across it in big, black letters, and put Guadalupe, Guadalupe's dress, and the model wearing Guadalupe's dress into it. We'll ship it to Latvia or something. Ugh. As Ugly Eliza struts down the runway, Guadalupe interviews that usually she uses a lot of color, so this plain, white dress is new for her. Good thing the challenge wasn't to express yourself as a designer, then.

Danyelle is wearing Andrae's dress. It's extremely plain. I don't even know how to describe it, because it's just...a dress. Danyelle is pretty, though. Allison is wearing John's dress. I still like it. Those circular patterns are cute. I don't know what the hell is going on at the waistline, though. Cara is wearing Marla's dress. I don't like it, and I don't like when designers describe their ugly creations as "original" as if that's an excuse for ugly. Basically, it looks like someone took a basic black dress with shawl and ran them both through a paper shredder. Alyssa is wearing Heidi's dress. It's pretty, but there's really not much to it. It's a white top with no sleeves (I want to say it's a halter top, but here we run into my ignorance of fashion, so it may be something else completely), and a plain white skirt with a brown line at the bottom, connected by a waistline of lace and brown ribbon. Again, cute, but unimaginative. Eden is wearing Kara's dress. I don't like the cut of the dress at all. It's all bunched up. But, I do like the color and design. It's got purple squiggles on it. Not a very technical description, I know, but it's pretty. I'm not sure what I think of Kirsten's dress, modeled by Claudia. It's got a triangular cutout in the back and copper pants. I love the copper color, but don't really like it all together. Here comes Shannon in Diana's dress, and there goes Diana's dress. The magnets don't hold together. The neckline is a really cool web of brown, though, and the dress does fasten in the back. It'd be really great if it, you know, worked. Rebecca is wearing Daniel's dress. It's really great-looking except for that pesky bustline, which doesn't fit at all.

The judges tabulate their scores. Daniel blinks uncontrollably. Heidi asks the designers to step onto the runway. Will the following people step forward? Santino. John. Heidi. Daniel. Diana. If your name hasn't been called, welcome aboard! You've joined the zoo. The five people called have the highest and the lowest scores, and two of these five will be out, which Heidi explains again. Commercials.

When we return, we relive the last few seconds from before the break, so we hear for the fucking fifth time that two people will be eliminated. Shut up!!! The models join the five designers on the runway. The judges slam Daniel on the wonky bustline. They love Santino's baby doll dress. Eh. It's certainly technically proficient. Michael tells Heidi (the designer, not the judge) that her garment has too much trim, and that if he took it away, there wouldn't be much of a dress. Well, if you took the sun away, there wouldn't be much of an Earth. What's your point, doof? Oh, his point is that she should have accomplished more in a week. That I agree with. The judges give Diana some grief for the faulty magnets. John says the stupidest thing imaginable, which is that he finished his dress in eight hours. He may as well have said that he wanted to make a dress that makes an ugly cow like Heidi Klum resemble something human. He spent eight hours on a dress that he was supposed to spend a week on, and expects the judges to laud him for it? They do not laud him for it. The judges begin their final deliberations. Tongue bath for Santino. Thankfully, the judges recognize the work and time Diana put into her dress. John's dress, which may have had a nice word said for it, being very pretty, is instead slashed to bits because he stupidly admitted that it took him scarcely any time. Heidi's dress is boring. Daniel is frittering away his second chance.

The designers are called back. Oh. My. Fucking. God. Heidi explains for the sixth time that two people are being eliminated. Apparently, we the audience are complete morons and need this explained to us every forty seconds. Commercials. So help me, if she says it again when we come back, I'm going to choke a bitch. We're back. A bitch is getting choked. I swear, you guys. Heidi has explained this to us seven times. I don't think I need to hear the directions for flying a Russian fighter plane seven times. Santino is the winner of the challenge. What does he win? Apparently nothing. Um, so what's the point of being the winner? Heidi tells the remaining four designers that only two of them are progressing, so that's eight times, three of which took place in a span of three minutes. I hope Heidi Klum gives birth to a swarm of hornets. Diana is in. Yay! Thank goodness. John is out. Eh. I liked his dress, but I won't miss him. As he walks backstage, Raymundo goes to congratulate him, not quite getting that John didn't make it. Snerk. Heidi tells the other Heidi that her dress is unoriginal and Daniel that his determination isn't necessarily enough of an asset to succeed. Daniel is in, though, so Heidi is out. Daniel babbles his thanks and condescendingly tells Heidi that "life goes on". I mean, I get that he knows what she's going through, but don't rub it in, dude. Heidi takes her loss with grace. And that's that.

Welcome to Project Runway. I only wish Heidi Klum had explained what happened to John and Heidi. Weren't there supposed to be sixteen designers? What happened to the other two? It's almost as if they didn't get to progress. Huh. Mystery for the ages, I guess.

Overall Grade: B-