Sweet and Sour Mix

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 2

Previously on Just Desserts: Twelve pastry chefs arrived in a busy American city that's too full of secrets and intrigue to identify. A cupcake Quickfire threw Malika for a loop, while the Elimination Challenge featured more chocolate than a Showtime at the Apollo marathon. Grating personalities wasted no time in shredding nerves back at the loft. Heatherh took the first challenge, while Tania's gritty mousse made her Candyland's first murder victim. Eleven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. In a gimmick I'm not sure I'll have the time or money to pull off, I'm hoping that our viewing party will be able to snack on a different dessert each week. The gummi bears I brought this week weren't half as impressive as the homemade chocolate chip cookies last week, but Panny saved the day with her mini pecan pies in phyllo dough that I'd step over my own mother to get at.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Morgan explains that he and Seth formed an instant bond, owing mostly to the fact that they both like chicks. Well, I certainly can't think of anything more substantial to base a friendship on. That's why guys generally fill out their side of the wedding party with dudes they bumped into at Hooters. Down in the kitchen, Tim takes on a mother hen role, getting the cranky awakening chefs settled with coffee. Seth calls his mother, who apparently lives in a sitcom, as her number starts with 555. She's had a rough time of it lately, owing to medical problems, but tells Seth she's getting better all the time. Of course she is! Sitcom characters can't be gravely ill. Seth begins to tear up in interview, already wandering up to the line between admirably devoted to her well-being and creepy overinvestment. Normally, I wouldn't be so blase about how he responds to his mother's condition, but... I've seen the rest of the episode.

Quickfire Challenge. The Kitchen is filled with a delightful array of penny candy, which brings back fond memories. I think my generation is pretty much the last set of kids to really buy candy-by-the-piece. No such thing as a butterscotch here and a piece of taffy there anymore. Not to mention packs of candy cigarettes, which I can't believe even existed, but which I loved. Oops, sorry. Candy is one of those things that easily makes me lose focus. Back to the show. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Gail and this week's guest judge, Elizabeth Faulkner. She usually seems to know what she's talking about, but I'm not her biggest fan. That's because Elizabeth Faulkner's biggest fan is Elizabeth Faulkner. Still, I get less annoyed with her each time she shows up, so how's that for progress? Heatherc still has that giant, distracting bandage on her forehead.

Today's Quickfire is deceptively simple: Make a dessert featuring penny candy. This can be challenging, because the chefs have to create a dish that surrounds something that already has a strong, distinct flavor. They can use as many or as few candies as they want, and have got an hour to put their desserts together. Winner gets immunity. Ready? Go! Heatherh snaps up a piece of candy to try, and quickly discovers she doesn't like it, spitting it into the trashcan. Yeah, not all penny candy is great. Do they still even make those disgusting, pseudo-peanut butter taffies wrapped in black and orange wax paper that cheapass homeowners gave out on Halloween? Those were the worst. And circus peanuts! Ewwwwwww! Erika finds it as hard to focus on the challenge as I apparently do, because all she wants to do is dive into the candy and start eating. Heh. Malika watches the clock intently. Seth wants to use Atomic Fireballs, because his mom loves them, but can no longer eat them. They're a LabRat favorite as well, despite the fact that he almost choked to death on one.

Zac loves the challenge (and pastry prep in general), because he gets to take revenge on his vegan mother for never letting him eat sweets. Hehe. Danielle crafts a fun little gross-out project out of gummi worms and faux dirt. Gail and Elizabeth enter to give the five-minute warning. Seth runs for liquid nitrogen to chill his sorbet, but there isn't enough to get the job done. When time runs out, Seth melts down faster than his sorbet. He flings a cloth down, cusses, and begins to hyperventilate and cry, all because he couldn't get a Quickfire dessert to the level where he could dedicate it to his mom. Keep in mind this is all going on in front of the judges. Seth... Hmm... I mean, I like to make fun of "crazy" personalities on reality shows, but the fun kind of drains out if the person may actually be crazy. He's dancing close to the edge.

The judges do their best to ignore him while they go down the line. Yigit has infused red licorice into "strawberries and cream", which is accented with citrus and bits of licorice. Heatherh has made vanilla panna cotta with a passion fruit gelee, using passion fruit candy as a sweetener. Tim has an orange and pistachio parfait, with mascarpone, cream, and a ton of orange-flavored candy. Morgan has made a very pretty plate of chick-o-stick sable, with a malted milk ganache, and a banana lollipop that he's repulled. Well, I hate coconut and malted milk balls, but his presentation is so lovely that I'd be tempted to try it. Malika's got a lemon drop and strawberry parfait, with yuzu cream and strawberry gelee. There are some strawberry pop rocks on top, which is a good idea. Heatherc has a browned butter almond financier, with strawberries and balsamic vinegar. She takes the line that it's "candy flavors", but didn't use any actual candy. What a dink.

Zac's plate is the opposite of Morgan's: Mostly good components, but the presentation is sloppy and unappealing. He's got a chocolate and sour cream Ho-Ho, with a red hot/cream cheese filling. He then ruins this delightful combination by topping the whole thing with black licorice and black licorice flavors like star anise. The slop comes from a hot tamale whipped cream smeared all over the plate. Eric's made a malted chocolate pudding with a bit of butterscotch candy, and a malt ball cookie. Erika has a base of strawberry pop rocks, with a lemon drop cookie and sour lemon gelee. Sounds good. Danielle's "worms in dirt" is a chocolate mousse with lemon gummi worms and malt balls and cocoa nibs. She also has the nifty idea of pairing the dessert with a glass of lemon soda with a red licorice straw. Seth begins to break down anew as the judges approach his station. He tearfully tells them about his problems with time, but says that the flavors should still work. Gail kindly tells him that flavors are what's most important, anyway. He's got a whopper chiffon cake, with a red hot/coconut jam, and the melted passion fruit/vanilla sorbet.

After the tasting, he completely dissolves in a puddle of tears on the ground, moaning over and over that he can't do this, and that the "red hots are for my mommy". No, really. I know I'm given to hyperbole, but this is seriously the most uncomfortable breakdown I've ever seen on this show. Delusional chefs that act up and freak out is an integral part of this program, but I almost think that Seth should not have been allowed to compete. The competitors do need some degree of self-control. His hysterical crying jag is to the point that Elizabeth has to come back and comfort him, pulling him in for a hug. Morgan tries to pull his buddy together, laughably telling him that he's a "badass chef".

LabRat (as Elizabeth): "I'm more of a man than you are. Lesbian up, dude."

The other chefs take the same tack as the viewing party, which is that yes, this is a massively difficult, stressful, emotional experience, but you can't respond to every setback like a coal miner's widow who's just been told the bad news. Especially a setback as minor as this. You served a disappointing sorbet, not a cake full of glass shards. Results. The bottom three are Heatherc, for NOT USING ANY CANDY, Eric's one-dimensional dessert, and of course, Seth, for not finishing. Elizabeth tells him again that she's been in his shoes, but you have to put mistakes behind you and step up to the challenge. He agrees. The top three are Heatherh, for highlighting citrus flavor, Danielle's playful theme, and Zac's delicious cake and licorice sauce. Zac is an ungracious victor, though he has the sense to razz his competitors for their desserts in interview. The ultimate winner of the challenge and immunity is... Danielle. She gives the Standard Speech.

LabRat (as Elizabeth): "As the winner, Danielle gets my phone number."

Elimination Challenge. The chefs head to Mark Peel's new restaurant, where we get exciting news. No, it's nothing about the challenge. It's that we finally learn, care of Malika, that we are indeed in Los Angeles. Next week, let's send the chefs somewhere else so we can start the puzzle anew. It'll be like a twisted version of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? Mark Peel welcomes everyone before Gail arrives. The chefs applaud Gail's entrance like they didn't just see her ten minutes ago. She explains that the Elimination Challenge will be to create a dessert inspired by a cocktail. Get that, Heatherc? Need it repeated a few times? The challenge is made more complicated when the chefs learn that their ingredients must be selected from behind Mark's bar. When something is taken, that's it. It's gone. The chefs pull coasters instead of the traditional knives to determine the order in which they'll "shop" for two minutes. They'll have to make enough plates for twenty-five diners, plus the judges. Instead of going number by number, I'll just tell you that Eric pulls the all-important #1.

"Shopping". Eric grabs all the pineapple slices. Erika stocks up on margarita components. Malika worries that all the citrus will be gone by the time she gets her turn. We run through a series of chefs hurriedly selecting their ingredients. Zac acts up for attention. Actually, you should probably just assume that whenever Zac is mentioned, he's acting up for attention. Seth is towards the end of the line. He's got his heart set on grapefruit juice, but can't find any. He wonders aloud how he's supposed to make a Greyhound without it. Morgan duhs that he may have to rethink his plan. Yeah, you'd almost think that limited access to ingredients was part of the challenge! Weird! The other chefs encourage him, chanting "Go, Seth, go!" and suggesting that he work out a new version of the drink. No matter. When time runs out, Seth has not obtained the things on his overly-strict ingredient list, and has thus suffered another minor setback. How do you suppose he reacts?

I believe I heard "He has a complete meltdown in front of the judges, almost inappropriate in the worst of times, but especially in a case where his fury is entirely disproportional to the severity of the situation," from the back of the room. Wow, you're wordy. You're also correct. He screams at the other chefs for being "haters", which beyond being silly, is untrue. They were actively trying to help him, even if their motivation was to not get stabbed in their sleep by the loon they're forced to live with. Seth then moves on to a familiar reality show trope, screaming that he's not in this for fun or glory, but that the prize money will save his life. I have the same unsympathetic response for him that I've had for everyone else who's tried this line: If you're that desperate, the solution is not to wander away from your job for a month to go on television for a miniscule fraction of a chance to win a pot of money that gets a hefty chunk chopped off for taxes. I'm fairly sure that "Make a ill-fated grab for game show prizes" doesn't show up on many financial advisors' plans.

That's all beside the point, though, because the real story is Seth's increasingly alarming mood swings. Yigit tells him to stop yelling at everyone, and when Seth snidely responds that it's not for Yigit to tell him what's okay, Seth's BFF Morgan tells him he's being an asshole. Seth finally shuts up, and shrugs in interview that it's all stress. Yeah, no. Nice try, though. Heatherh reiterates in interview that working with limited ingredients is the entire point of the challenge, and having such a tantrum over it is embarrassing. Gail and Mark Peel, who have had to stand there watching all this, try to get the show back on the rails, sending the chefs back to the Kitchen to get to work.

Once there, the chefs get going on their three hours of prep time. They have access to pantry ingredients as well as what they got from behind the bar. Eric works on pineapple upside-down cake based on a bourbon/pineapple cocktail. Based on the limited time we've spent with these chefs, Heatherh and Eric are really stepping up to be my favorites, though for different reasons. I like Heatherh's competent, no-nonsense, no-drama approach, while Eric seems fun and laid-back. Plus, he's cute. Seth's plan for the day is to not spew crazy all over the Kitchen. I like how he has to make that a concrete plan, rather than just not doing it. Today, I think I'll studiously avoid spitting in strangers' faces. Tim tells us (as he did back at the bar) that his dessert is based on a drink called the Plantation. It involves basil and rum. Heatherh advises him to increase the amount of basil if he's going to put it into a cold custard. He doesn't have enough basil leaves to do that, so he throws the entire plant into the blender, seeds and all. Malika worries that her dessert lacks the acidity it needs.

Johnny stops by to Ptimewaste. In most cases, he just checks in with the chefs to see what they're making and how it's going. Notably, in Seth's case, he asks how he's holding up and tells him to take a deep breath. That's not really a great substitute for doing a thorough psych evaluation before letting someone onto the show, but I guess their options are limited at this point. Once Johnny's gone, Seth can't let his excessive energy vent by going nutso on the other contestants, so it gets channeled into being completely spastic. He runs around the Kitchen at a full sprint, yelling nonstop about the blast chiller door and where's his cake and watch the open flame and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. The other chefs are just exhausted by him, as anyone forced to live and work with a guy who is mentally incapable of calming the hell down would be.

As time winds down, Heatherh helps Yigit get his stuff wrapped up. Back at the loft, her get-shit-done-with-a-minimum-of-fuss attitude also comes in handy in dealing with the household's resident kook. She tells Seth that she thinks he owes the rest of them an apology, which Seth is very amenable to giving. He's almost too facile in owning up to his poor behavior, which doesn't provide much relief to everyone else, because him shifting gears that quickly is part of the problem in the first place. He tells Heatherh that he'll make it up to the rest of them, and she says she doesn't want him to make anything up, just to spend the remainder of his time treating his fellow chefs like decent people. God, I like her. That would seem like it settles matters for the time being, but Yigit can't resist getting in another dig at Seth, telling him that everyone has personal life issues, and letting them bleed violently into the competition is not helpful. Seth apologizes again. Well, I guess that's it, then. Seth will never lose control again!

After the commercial break, it's back to Mark's bar, where the chefs have an hour to finish up and get everything plated. The space is very cramped, so the chefs will be plating and presenting three at a time. Seth tells Yigit that "my gelee is going to be harder than yours," sending the viewing party into a gale of very immature giggles. Eric is nervous, having never done a plated service before. This is where you can tell I have an unfair bias in his favor, because normally, I'd sneer at the contestant sarcastically that it's a good thing they didn't sign up for a contest in which plating desserts is a given, but in this case, I simply sigh like a schoolgirl. Oh, Eric. I'll enjoy you while I can. Erika realizes she's a few desserts short, so she decides to cut her spheres in half, not only to increase the portions, but so the diners can see the layers inside. It's a genius idea, because it winds up looking even better than her original concept:

Time runs out, and Danielle is so busy dancing to the timer beeps that she doesn't realize she's the one that's supposed to turn it off. Hahahaha! The first set of plates goes out. Gail introduces the judging table, which in addition to her and Johnny, includes Elizabeth Faulkner, Hubert Keller, Mark Peel, and his wife/business partner. Erika kicks off the presentation with her margarita bombe, which includes a lime cookie, tequila mousse, and a Grand Marnier creme brulee. Like Eric's chili-spiced brownie in the first episode, I declare this one Limecrete's Pick of the Week. It looks wonderful. Erika warns the judges that she has incorporated salt, as any good margarita would. Danielle has made a lime and lemon curd tart, topped with toasted coconut and resting on a bed of rum sabayon and candied kumquats. It's always sad to see a promising dessert ruined by coconut. Eric's bourbon pineapple cocktail inspiration has naturally been translated into a pineapple bourbon upside-down cake that looks quite tasty.

Tasting. Erika's margarita bombe was a great idea, and the salt jazzes up what might have been an overly subtle dessert. Danielle's is disappointing. Besides some execution issues, Johnny can't identify any sort of cocktail inspiration. Hubert likes it more than the other judges, but agrees it lacks oomph. Eric's cake had the simplest presentation, but the biggest depth of flavor. The textures were all nice, and there's a pleasant aftertaste of bourbon.

Back in the kitchen, a still-remorseful Seth wants to help the others, and starts by grabbing Yigit's ice cream out of the freezer for him. Morgan is using the scoop, and Yigit barely gets everything onto the plates in time. He worries that his rush has let to a lackluster presentation that will sink him to the bottom three. He's the first in his group to present. He's got a campari and blood orange agar agar, with a citrus vanilla panna cotta, and basil ice cream. Morgan has turned a Jack and Coke inspiration into a cola spiced whiskey cake, with some coke fluid gel and a whiskey gelee. Heatherc has made a gingerbread cake with a rum caramel sauce, and topped with candied ginger. Tasting. Yigit's plate is nicely colorful, but his ice cream is beginning to melt, leading Johnny to surmise that Yigit had a timing issue back in the kitchen.

Tim: "He practically ran out of time plating. How much longer could he have delayed?"

Hmm. Good point. Between this and "Tania had plenty of time to make another mousse", I'm starting to think Johnny isn't as much of an expert as we've been led to believe. The judges enjoyed Morgan's plate, but wish there was one more component. Heatherc made some good gingerbread, but that's about all that can be said for her plate.

Seth is in full-on spaz mode back in the kitchen, and figures that he won't finish on time. Zac, although he's not a big Seth booster, admits that he can't watch someone flail like that, and helps Seth plate. Thanks to him, Seth finishes with a little time to spare, so he zooms over to Malika to offer his assistance. Malika: "I'm good." Malika's tone: "Get the fuck away from my food, nutbar." He then sets his sights on Heatherh, who tells him he can help by going over to the timer to keep an eye on the countdown. Heh. Clever little minx. Time runs out.

The next set of chefs goes out to meet the judges. Seth's plate is based on a blueberry gimlet. He didn't have enough blueberries to incorporate into the cake, and has decided that dyeing the cake blue is the next best thing. Well, sure. That's why instead of keeping a fire extinguisher around, I just tacked up a picture of one. It's just as good, really. Seth's cake also has lemon juice, lime juice, gin, and juniper soda. Malika has made a blood orange/blackberry mojito cake soaked with white rum, with a white chocolate mousse infused with cream. Privately, she's concerned about her flavor balance, but has no choice but to hope for the best. Heatherh's inspiration is a White Russian, and she has made a custard with coffee, Kahlua, white chocolate, and vodka. Tasting. Malika's dessert is one of the weakest so far. The flavors she meant to highlight were overshadowed, and Hubert finds it far too sweet. She did well with the cocktail half of the challenge, just not the dessert half. Heatherh's plate is overcomplicated. As to Seth's plate, Elizabeth tells the other judges that blue food is a faux pas in the pastry world. Is that true? Because it sounds a little urban legendy. Aside from the color, Johnny didn't get a hint of either of the two gins Seth included.

As the next set of chefs gets ready, a crash resounds throughout the kitchen. A tray of Zac's chocolate squares has fallen to the floor. The only person nearby is Seth, who insists that he didn't do anything to it. I'm going to refrain from assuming Seth knocked it over in some flailing spaz attack, because we didn't see it on camera, and God knows there's plenty else to hold Seth accountable for this week. Still, it may be a good idea to not let the hyperemotional basket case near your food from now on. Or your toolbox. Or your medicine cabinet. Seth wants to appear contrite and helpful by cleaning up the mess, but all he accomplishes is being even more in the way while Zac is trying to plate. Your homework for tonight will be to read "Helping" from Shel Silverstein's Where the Sidewalk Ends and write an essay about how it relates to this scene. Zac still has plenty of tuile to top each of his plates, but leaves one off, only realizing it after time has elapsed. You'd think he'd be extra sure to make sure that one goes to some random diner instead of the judges' table. You'd think. Naturally, Zac takes this whole situation to mean he should never help anyone out, and nice guys finish last, and so on and so forth. Way to completely miss the point while simultaneously pissing away any sympathy I had for you, Zac. It's tough to do that in two sentences. Oh, and good job serving the tuile-less plate to Gail. That wasn't dumb at all.

Presentation. Zac sags even further in my estimation by explaining that his inspiration was a Jager Bomb. Of course, that's not entirely his fault. It's the Misses', a Saint Louis girl band who had me dress up as Cupid and introduce them for their Valentine's Day show. It was a Jagermeister-sponsored event, and folks just love to buy shots for dudes dressed up as Roman love fairies. Needless to say, I haven't been able to touch a drop of the stuff since. Anyway, back to Zac. He's made a Benedictine bombe, which is a dark chocolate malt cake, with a Benedictine cremeux (basically a mousse). The cakes are topped with the chocolate squares that escaped the crash, lime ice cream/sorbet/gelato/something-or-other and a tarragon tuile except for the one Zac didn't put on and somehow blamed on Seth. Tim describes his cocktail inspiration for the third time. I'll assume you're up to speed. His dessert is a basil pudding with orange, kumquat, and lime granita. Tasting. Zac had a great concept, but not a great dessert. Johnny rails against Tim for doing two desserts served in a bowl in two challenges. I get where he's going with that, but two instances does not a pattern make. Elizabeth has a more concrete criticism, which is that Tim's textures are awful, rather like finding scrambled eggs in your soup. Spew. Mark agrees that it's messy, but enjoys the flavors.

Interstitial. Seth tries to drum up activity partners during the long fret 'n sweat. Nobody's interested.

Judges' Table. Gail enters the Kitchen, and asks to see Erika, Yigit, and Eric. Once they're gone, Seth says he's happy for Eric, condescendingly saying that Eric needs a hit now or he'll just fall apart and never pull it together. Nobody who's ever said "The red hots were for my mommy" gets to comment on other people pulling it together. Heatherc, who more and more is looking like she's a few hotels short of a Monopoly game, decides to poke the big bag of crazy by insisting that the three chefs who just left may not even be the winners. Seth explodes yet again, saying that the other chefs are taking advantage of his emotional vulnerability, and telling them all to suck it. I don't think "Stop spewing wads of insanity all over me" can be construed as taking advantage of someone, but since parsing Seth's outbursts would fulfill a full-semester course towards a psychology degree, we just don't have the time to go into it that deeply. In the meantime, Heatherc, here's a helpful little to-do list for you:

1) Cut your bangs. I know your forehead is raging with some sort of fungal outbreak right now, but walking around with that hair curtain isn't much better.

2) Listen to the challenge parameters. They're kind of important.

3) Stop picking fights with insane people. Their arguments don't rely on reason, and you're only setting yourself up to come home and find your beloved pet bubbling away on the stove.

4) As a matter of fact, just shut up entirely. You're annoying.

Thanks. So, after we're treated to Seth's third rant of the hour, we go out to Judges' Table, where Gail informs Erika, Yigit, and Eric that they're the top three. Erika's margarita bombe was aesthetically pleasing, as well as delicious. Eric's pineapple upside-down cake had great consistency, and the pineapple was well-caramelized. Elizabeth warns that he'll have to step up his plating skills, though. Yigit impressed the judges with his colorful plate and creamy panna cotta. Elizabeth gets to announce the challenge winner, who turns out to be... Erika. Yay! Erika is reserved, but pleased, and looks genuinely anxious when Gail asks the top three to send out the losing chefs.

Erika's win is applauded back in the Kitchen before Yigit tells the chefs that the judges want to see Malika, Tim, and Seth. Once they're lined up, Gail asks Tim if his final result was the way he pictured it. He says that it was, and that his intent was simply to mirror a cocktail he enjoys. Johnny describes the horrible texture issues Tim had, and says that while Tim knows his flavors inside and out, he has real trouble putting them together.

Seth admits that he made a poor dessert, and won't pretend otherwise. He begins to get agitated again, but backs off in time. Hubert says that his cake wasn't so much a blueberry cake as a blueberry-colored cake, but that he's being too hard on himself. Johnny jumps on board by telling Seth that he's a smart guy, just spread himself too thin. Such a hard worker! Have you ever heard this many compliments for someone at Losers' Table? I guess I can understand their thinking: Keep him calm. Back away slowly. Don't make eye contact. Elizabeth comes as close as a judge has ever gotten to asking "Are you sure you're sane enough to continue in this contest?" Seth maintains his placid mask, but admits that he can't promise to not scale a clocktower and begin blasting away the next time he, I don't know, runs out of butter or something.

Tiffany (as Gail): "Seth, please pack your knives and go. Actually, no. Don't pack them. Please gently hand over your knives, then go."

Malika's cake was far too sweet and off balance. Johnny asks her why she has such time issues, and she says that she was trying to correct mistakes, when she should have just started from scratch with a new idea. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Seth tried to do too much, and will probably start a hostage crisis any minute now. Tim has great flavor combinations, but his pudding was a curdled soup. Malika's mojito cake was too sweet and lacked important elements. She's having a hard time adapting to the challenges. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. The chefs aren't wearing Kevlar, so I guess I know one person that's safe. Tim's textures were awful. Malika's balance was awful. Seth is an awesome, wonderful person, but maybe this dish was just an eensy-beensy bit off. Gail delivers the bad news. Tim. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Please pack your tools and go. Note that I am not suggesting that they kept Seth around so he could continue to be cuckoo and make good television. I don't know if that's because I've been doing that too much lately, Tim's dessert really did look quite icky, or because the judges seem to know as well as anybody that Seth is not the cute kind of zany, and still didn't eliminate him. All of the above, probably.

In his final interview, Tim is surprised to have been eliminated, and can't think of anything he'd change about the dessert. The chefs waiting in the Kitchen are heartbroken to hear of his ouster, and I'll bet it's not too much of a stretch to assume that 50% of that heartbreak has nothing to do with Tim. Although he's shocked by the judges' decision, he accepts it graciously, and says that it's been an exciting experience that he doesn't regret at all. I imagine it would be somewhat of a relief to go back to a place where you don't have to sleep with a gun under your pillow.

Overall Grade: B