Finale - Part II

Project Runway - Season 3, Episode 14

Previously on Project Runway: The four finalists were told to design twelve looks for Fashion Week. Tim visited everyone. Laura accused Jeffrey of having outside help. Tim promised to look into it. Tonight, someone will be crowned the winner of Project Runway. Good. I don't think I could take another filler episode.

No opening credits. Because this is serious business this week.

New York. One and a half days until the runway show. In the workroom, Uli is wishing this whole cheating blowup never happened. Laura compares Jeffrey to an athlete on steroids. It's pretty much based on conjecture, but she admits as much. She and Jeffrey talk, and she's saying that if he has the receipts to back everything up, there will be no problem. Jeffrey says that what's really upsetting is Laura calling his integrity into question. "I never questioned your integrity," Laura says, and while I generally like her, and generally dislike Jeffrey -- BULLSHIT. Jeffrey storms off. Soon after, he receives a call from Tim, saying that the producers can't find all the receipts from a particular pleating business. Or something. He asks Jeffrey to call them and have them fax the missing receipts. If he can't get them, they'll deal with the issue again. Jeffrey disdains the business for keeping sloppy records. Yes, this is coming from the guy who handed over one giant wad of receipts to Tim. Good catch. Jeffrey calls the business and asks about the missing receipts. He's scared that this tiny omission will lead to not being able to show at Bryant Park.

Evening. Morning. Everyone looks completely dead, and over the entire enterprise. Yeah, I feel them. Maybe you could just have a one-part finale next season, Bravo? In the workroom, Jeffrey places a call to Tim, and leaves a message. He begins work on a simple skirt, in case the shorts that the missing receipts pertain to are disqualified. Good thinking. Eight hours left. Tim comes in, and gathers the designers. He says that after a thorough investigation, he is absolutely confident that Jeffrey did the work himself. OK, Tim's word is good enough for me. Please ignore all that blather I spewed last week. Jeffrey breaks down in tears of relief, and Uli hugs him. It's not entirely good news, as Tim tells him that the shorts will, indeed, need to be taken out of the collection, due to the missing receipts. Not only that, but he is the only designer to have gone overbudget, by $227.95. I hope they would have investigated everyone's receipts anyway, and didn't just do this because of the whole cheating scandal. Jeffrey will need to remove something from the collection, and the judges will be informed that he didn't stay within the budget. This will turn out to have absolutely no effect on the judging, so why it's even a rule, let alone is brought up here, is beyond me.

Tim says that the show stresses fairness very strongly, and he's confident that tomorrow's show will be an even playing field. I read in a later interview with Tim that he was actually glad Laura brought up her suspicions when she did, because it would have been twice as awful if Jeffrey had won, and then she called foul. Good point. Laura shakes Jeffrey's hand and says that she'll meet him on the runway. There's even a little half hug. Jeffrey says that he has no further issue with Laura (which he immediately belies by snotting about her inexperience), and Laura says that she's more than happy to compete against Jeffrey on the runway. She says it was never a goal of hers to get him disqualified, which I entirely believe. I think her accusations may have come from reasoning that was overly vague, but they were never motivated by personal reasons.

One hour left. Everyone packs up their clothing. Michael feels good. Uli thinks she has a strong collection. Jeffrey loses the blonde wigs to meet the budget, and substitutes the denim skirt he just made for the disqualified leather bubble shorts. I don't know if Laura (or even Jeffrey) knows it, but I think she just accidentally bumped up the quality of his collection a big notch. The wigs were stupid, and the denim skirt is far prettier than the shorts ever were. Tim enters for a final "gather round". He has the velvet bag. He tears up a little as he talks about how proud he is of the finalists. Aw, I love Tim. He says that they're all winners, and he means it in a very real sense; not in a sense of second place in an elementary school science fair which I should have won, because that reproduction of the solar system that took all night was amazing, and all Blake did was that lame poster where the lightbulbs light up because there are little bits of wire on the back! Sorry, where was I? He dismisses them, but brings them back for a group hug. Heh. So what was the velvet bag for? Stop showing the velvet bag, and then not using it! I guess he drew the order the designers would show in, and they just didn't air it.

Morning. 4:15 AM to be precise. Ugh. Jeffrey said he got two hours' sleep. Laura says that she's glad Jeffrey will be showing, because she wants to beat him on the runway; not the accountant's office. Everyone heads out. Michael tries to calm himself down. Calm himself down? The most animated I've ever seen him was a tiny little boogie dance. It's still dark as they approach Bryant Park, but the drizzle that seems to have been falling when everyone first stirred appears to have dissipated. Uli says that this is the biggest day of her life. They enter the tent, and act suitably impressed. I know the show is trying to go out with a bang, and I don't begrudge them that. But there's not even a stage. It's just a flat runway on the floor in a bland, white room. The regular runway is more impressive than this. There are a lot of seats, though. Jeffrey wants to prove he belongs here. Michael's ready to buckle down and work.

Commercials. I don't understand advertising Barbies at this hour. I don't see them advertising cars during Saturday morning cartoons.

Two hours until the show. Guests arrive. The models are going through hair and makeup backstage. Unfortunately, there's no eleventh hour emergency, like Danzzz's missing purses or Chloe's hair issues to keep us in suspense. Michael freaks out that everything has to be perfect. One hour. The tent fills up. Laura is wearing her hair down, thank God. Half an hour. The eliminated designers and the finalists' families are in the audience, as are Chloe, Danzzz, and...Brandy? Whatever. Tim tells Laura she has ten minutes. Her hair's down. She fits a dress to a model. Her hair's up. She's fitting the model from a different angle. Her hair's down. Stop it, I'm gonna barf! Uli's ready to show the world what she can do. Michael's glad for the opportunity. Jeffrey feels amazing. And...time.

Heidi comes out onto the runway. Everyone claps and "woo!"s. Her dress is ugly. Michael Kors is wearing his sunglasses indoors again, which makes me want to punch him. Heidi introduces the judges, including guest judge Fern Mallis, creator of Fashion Week. Ooh, I love Fern! Let's start the show. The first designer to present is Jeffrey. He comes out and greets his family, including his parents, a beaming Melanie, and a crying Harrison. Heh. Hey, Jeffrey's dad is kind of cute! Jeffrey introduces his collection and goes backstage. I should say at the outset of his show that the music that he's chosen is terrible. It's ponderous and pensive, and doesn't match his collection at all. Out first is a red dress with white polka dots. There are swathes of solid red fabric peeking out in a couple of areas. I like it, although I could do without the white straps hanging down, and the model is kind of ugly. Next is the same polka dot material, but as a swimsuit. The model is also wearing a see-through jacket over it. Meh. Third is the same polka dot material as a babydoll dress (I think). The polka dot fabric is covered by a layer of see-through white fabric, and the bustier is also white. I like it. The model shouldn't lead with her stomach, though. It makes her look more pregnant than Laura. Stand up straight, troglodyte! Oof, I don't even know how to describe this next one. It's good, though. It's a red, checked, v-neck top that only covers the boobs in front, but widens to cover the shoulders and has sleeves. The rest is a fan of white straps, and she has white pants on. The next dress is half red/white stripes and half blue (or black)/white stripes, and the two colors each occupy a vertical half. It's all right. Next is a more typical Jeffrey outfit. The same blue or black striped fabric, but with a random swath of solid fabric in front of it, and a denim jacket. It's messy and uneven. Next is a shimmery silver tank top with a white jacket (edged with black), and white pants. There's a green/white striped handbag that doesn't really seem to go with the outfit, but whatever. Next is a sort of cadet blue dress that widens at the thighs. It looks like an upside-down heart shape. God, am I terrible at describing these. Next is a royal blue dress with pleating at the bottom. Then, the same royal blue, but over a pattern mixing the blue with white. It almost looks like a sky with clouds. It's neat. The next outfit is a shiny silver shirt with tan leather pants (complete with patches) and a green/white striped jacket. Claaaaaaashy. Finally, Marilinda in the same green/white striped fabric, but with interesting seams running all over fashioned into zippers. She looks good. In fact, that entire collection was worlds better than I was expecting it to be. Applause, etc.

Uli emerges and gleefully greets the audience. She's thankful for all the opportunities she's been given, and gives a shoutout to her family. She runs backstage. Her first outfit is classic Uli. It's a long print dress, kind of like giraffe stripes. The next one is a departure for her. It's dark tan, with a shimmery silver sash and belt, which is fastened with an animal tooth clasp. Neat! The next is the same two colors, but the dark tan is a skirt, while the shimmering silver is a sleeveless keyhole top, with one of those built-in chokers that I think are so pretty. Next is a rather dull, gray, thigh-length dress with a bit of fringe at the bottom, and it's accented by a necklace that looks like it's made out of handcuffs. Next, a prettier, shorter version of the same dress, but with a different silhouette. Oh, and the model's way prettier. That probably helps. Next is Amanda, working it in brown shorts and a shimmering, silver tank top. She really is a fantastic model. Next is a far less talented model, not working a tan, flowing dress with accents of silver. Next is another print dress, with fabric extremely similar, if not identical to, the dress that won Uli the freestyle challenge. Next is another print, but this in a brown and yellow fabric that is totally gorgeous. The model reaches down, and for a horrible moment, I thought she was going to pick a wedgie. But no, the dress unbuttons to reveal a matching bikini underneath. Stunning. Next is a purple print with zebra stripe accents, and an ill-advised center line of reflective material. This is a bit too Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk. Next, another giraffe-stripe print, but in a different silhouette. Finally, Nazri in a drop-dead gorgeous green jungle print that flows easily at the bottom. Applause, etc.

Commercials. I don't want to live in a world where people falling down isn't funny.

Big ol' pregnant Laura comes out. She says that she came on Project Runway hoping to make it big in the fashion world, and she did it! She pats her belly. Hehehe. That's corny, but she sold it. She walks backstage. High heels cannot be comfortable in her state. Ah, the music! Gnat about leaps out of her skin with glee. It's a very jaunty, flapperesque tune, like something you'd hear in the '20s, and I love it. Heidi's already dancing along. The first dress is a camel shade of brown, and is a turtleneck, with sparkly beading starting at about the navel and becoming more dense at the bottom. Lovely. The model has gorgeous, long, straight, red hair. Next is a dress that looks kind of like a rock garden. That's just what leapt immediately to mind when I saw it. There's a band of black around the breastline, and the cups don't seem to fit very well. I'm not feeling this one. The next dress is almost like a white negligee, with feathers at the bottom. Next is an odd outfit that consists of sparkly black shorts, a metallic gold blazer, and a puff of gold fabric at the shoulder. Next is a partially see-through, floor-length black dress, with amazing detail. Note to model: black bra next time. Next is a similarly see-through detailed black dress, but with black fur as the shoulders. Pretty! Next is sort of a combination of previous dresses. The top is the see-through black detail, the bottom is composed of black feathers. The next dress is black, with crisscross designs, and a cowl of black feathers at each shoulder. Next is a model with a terrible, terrible walk. The dress is black, and also has two cowls of black feathers, this time as the cup of the breasts. Next is a black dress that I'd usually dislike, because it has multiple layers of fringe. I'm anti-multiple layers AND anti-fringe. And yet this works. Helping are the loose bands around the ankles, which whip around awesomely. Next, a black suit with tight-fitting pants that look kind of like vinyl, and another detailed top. Finally, Camilla in a beautiful gray spangly dress with a sash of mustard yellow around the waist. Applause, etc. I'm so tired of describing clothes. Must! Get! Through!

The crowd goes nuts for Michael. He explains that his collection is called "Street Safari" and is about a woman on the hunt to discover who she is. Oh, dear. Judging from the first outfit, the woman's going to discover that she's a stone-cold hoochie. It's a sleeveless white dress with a collar that is open in the chest, and is crisscrossed with white laces. There's also a blindingly gold belt. Another terrible walk. Gnat says that it looks like the model's head is about to fall off. Next is a pair of white shorts and a knotted top. Next, a variation on the first outfit, but as a short skirt instead of a dress. Next, tight white pants, an open white shirt, and those awful sequined pockets that made me want to hurl last week. Oof. Next is a jungle green outfit, and I'm sorry to use the word "hoochie" so much, but there's just no other way to describe it. The next one, I like. It's a short...I guess you'd call it a sundress. It's just as risque, but it's a fiery yellow/orange color that I love. The next is dark orange shorts and a midriff-baring, matching top with a tall collar. Next, a magenta dress with the same laced chest and gold belt as the first. Next is a slinky, metallic, gold bathing suit. It's hot. Then there a print minidress with a leather belt. Another swimsuit, this one in crisscrossing white fabric. Finally, Clarissa in a longer version of the print minidress. Oh, Michael. I'm just so...let down. Applause, etc.

After show interviews. All four finalists are thrilled with the response they're getting. Brandy loved Michael and Uli's collections. A suit from WalMart says he's there to see what's going on the fashion world. I assume he's hiding his cloven hoofs with some nice shoes. Chloe apologizes to Michael via the camera, but thinks Uli's was the best. Some suit from L'oreal liked Laura's collection. The WalMart devil liked Uli's collection, but liked Michael more over the course of the season. And God damn it, we have to check in with Raymundo again. Why am I still seeing his face? He sucked, and got chunked third! Some random woman liked Jeffrey's passion. Heidi asks the WalMart devil if anyone's going to be picked up for his store. Elsewhere, Laura, Michael, Uli, and Jeffrey simultaneously shudder violently, and don't know why. Kayne thinks Uli rocked the shit out. He's got his arm around Katie, who doesn't get to say a word, because who cares what the opinion of the person who came in third-to-last is? RIGHT, RAYMUNDO?

Commercials. Marie Antoinette. More like Marie Antoi-NOT.

Parsons runway. The judges think the show was great. Fern says that everyone in the world wanted to be at that show. Fern, I'm a member of the world, and I'm just as happy watching it from my couch with a pint of Vanilla Heath Bar Crunch in front of me, thanks. The designers come out onto the runway. Heidi congratulates them all. Prizes are recapped. Fern is reintroduced. The models emerge. Just the main ones from the show. Not all 48, although that would have been funny. We start the critiques with Laura. She says she wanted to do a line of eveningwear that was romantic and escapist. The judges tell her that she made $8000 look like $30,000, and they're right. Kors is impressed at the level of detail in her beading. He thinks all of the outfits were gorgeous, but there were no surprises. Well, you can thank Tim for that. Nina reminds her that she's always known that a narrow design aesthetic was the judges' chief complaint, and it seems she didn't address that for the final show. Laura responds with something about the feather jackets and hem stiffness. Fern says that when doing eveningwear, it's perfectly acceptable to maintain a specific focus. Gnat begins to love Fern as much as I do.

Michael. He talks about his safari inspirations. Fern says that he was clearly the crowd favorite, and she wishes the collection stood up to that. She liked specific pieces, but was disappointed overall. LOVE FERN. Kors doesn't understand how Michael went so over-the-top. Michael says he really wanted to get a strong point of view across, but that he's still young, and hasn't done anything on this large a scale before. Nina and Heidi appreciated the range of outfits. Michael wraps up with "I did what I could do," and chews his lip nervously. Jeffrey talks about his Japanese ghost story inspirations. Fern likes the detailing on the dress Marilinda is wearing. Kors likes that he dressed the models along a kind of life timeline. Fern liked the edgier pieces he did, but didn't care for the times when he attempted elegance (bringing up the royal blue pieces as the example). Heidi informs the others that Jeffrey went overbudget. He explains how he got the figure back down. Uli wanted to show that she can do more than prints. Nina tells her that she thinks her clothes are terrific, and that women love them and will buy them. She says this all in a way that suggests a giant "BUT" is coming up, and it never does. Huh. Heidi says she'd wear every outfit that Uli made. Aw. Kors felt that there wasn't a connecting thread to the collection as far as color goes. Uli says that she wanted to show that she could use neutral colors, but that her inspiration comes from where she lives, which is very vibrant. She shrugs that maybe she should move to New York. Fern flies to her defense, saying that resortwear is possibly the biggest niche of fashion right now, and that Miami and sunshine are good inspirations. LOVE FERN. The designers are dismissed.

Deliberations. Uli makes clothes that women want. She's a good worker with an eye for detail. Kors says the overall season was a roller coaster for her, which means that her previous triumphs and disappointments are being considered. You'll want to remember that. Jeffrey is the most innovative of the designers. He had good variety without being unfocused. Everyone hated the long dress with what I called the cloud pattern. Heidi asks the other judges what they think of him going overbudget. We cut away so we can't hear the other judges say "What the fuck ever". Laura is incredibly meticulous. Her pieces are beautiful and timeless. Nina doesn't know if she's creative or innovative enough. As Fern said, so what? Think of some famous designers like Ralph Lauren and Tommy Hilfiger. Their aesthetic is just as narrow. Michael understands a woman's body, but his collection was tasteless. His motivations were noble, though. They like and dislike things about all four collections. Nina said that someone asked her on the way out of the show how to buy Uli's clothing. They seem to make a decision fairly quickly. The designers are brought back out.

And now for the final nice thing about someone I don't like: A lot of the other passengers on the Metro are irritating freaks, but hey, them not driving helps out the environment, which I'm always for.

Heidi says this was a hard decision. The judges believe in Michael's future as a designer, but he needs time to mature. He's out. He hugs his family backstage. He believes in himself, and vows to be back. I don't doubt it. Laura creates exquisite clothing, but is too limited. She's out. She thanks the judges. She says in her final interview that she achieved everything she was going for with the collection, and is completely at peace with the judges' decision. You rock, Laura. She knows that her participation in the world of fashion is just beginning. Uli and Jeffrey hug out on the runway. Jeffrey was innovative. Uli pushed herself, and made a beautiful collection. Congratulations...Jeffrey. Oh, fuck this. Let's get through the show bits first. Uli gives him another hug, gets the double kiss from Heidi, and goes backstage. She's happy for Jeffrey, and is fine with second place. Marilinda comes out to join Jeffrey, excited for her attendant win. Melanie, Harrison, and Jeffrey's parents come out so that we can all celebrate the victory of this pompous twat who reduces elderly women to tears. Blah blah "passion". Blah blah "intense happiness". He bounces Harrison around, then gets a congratulatory hug from Tim. He strikes a final HARDCORE pose behind the white screen, and we're done. Except for seeing Tim present him with his new Saturn Sky. It's a cute car, but I wouldn't think white is Jeffrey's color.

So. Season postmortem. First I suppose I should let everyone on all the websites I've been flapping my jaw at have a hearty chuckle at my expense. I never for a single moment thought Jeffrey would win, and have been arguing the reasons why for several weeks now. Yep, I'm an idiot. Laugh away. Got that out of your systems? Good. The reason I thought Jeffrey would never win is that beyond this being a fashion competition, it is a reality show. And reality shows have archetypes. And one of the aspects of the Asshole Archetype is that he or she doesn't win. Sure, sometimes an Asshole will get the Redemption Edit, but aside from being exonerated from cheating and professing undying love for his son, I didn't see that with Jeffrey. So if we're ignoring the clothes completely, I'd rather he have lost based solely on the fact that as a person, he didn't deserve to win. He's mean and artificial and snide and thinks he's about a hundred times cooler than he actually is.

"But Limecrete," I hear you say. "This is a show about clothing. Surely he deserved the win on that level."

Nope, I don't believe so. I did enjoy his final collection. I think that a lot of these pieces were better than most of the ones he did during the show combined. But they still weren't that good. For every one of Jeffrey's pieces that I liked, I liked one of Uli's or Laura's more. Jeffrey won because he pushed himself out of his usual aesthetic. So did Uli. Uli lost because she had so many ups and downs during the season. So did Jeffrey. People are already practically clawing themselves to get their hands on Uli's clothing. Jeffrey did something neat with zippers. So color me disappointed. No, I'm not going to be one of those prissy pearl-clutchers who dramatically announces that they're giving up this show 4-EVAH! But there is something deeply unsatisfying about devoting three months of my life to watching these people work and fight and laugh and cry, only to watch a condescending prick waltz off into the sunset with a spring in his step, and a big toy check in his pocket. Feh.

Overall Grade: C-
Overall Season Grade: B-

The Girl Who Punk'd Ashton

America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 5

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Melrose asked the other girls to keep down their caterwauling so she could get a little sleep. This apparently makes her the spawn of Satan. AJ got covered in fake blood. Jaeda got covered in bullshit criticism. Megg got covered in finally going the fuck home. Nine girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Beautiful shot of the moon. The girls hang out in the backyard of the model pad, listening to CariDee play the guitar and sing. She's actually not bad. Jaeda is shaken by being in the bottom two for the second time. AJ interviews that she was closest to Megg, so losing her is like "losing this huge spirit". Not to mention a HARDCORE one. Don't fret, AJ. Maybe you'll see Megg sooner than you think. Spoiler! Melrose makes fun of the other girls for bawling at Megg's elimination. I'm starting to like Melrose more and more.

Morning. Everyone makes the observation that Amanda and Michelle are two very different people. Michelle is the "more outgoing" one. They proceed to prove this to us by her telling Jaeda that she might be gay. Shocked looks all around. Please. I so called this a long time ago. Eugena doesn't know if Michelle just came out or if she's "straddling the fence". There's some imagery for you. The twins go downstairs to get on the phone. Amanda interviews that she didn't really want to talk about this; she just wants it to go away. It doesn't sound like she disapproves, just that she doesn't want her sister's sexuality being scrutinized so publicly, which I can certainly get behind.

Tyra Mail. It says something about stupid questions. The girls hop in the Monster Escalade, and are dropped off at a studio of some sort. They're met by Mark Steines, one of the hosts of Entertainment Tonight, and a man I've never heard of because who watches Entertainment Tonight anymore? They show us some clips of him in action, in case we all thought he was lying. He tells the girls he's there to teach them how to conduct a good interview. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Not the interview challenges! They're always so goddamn boring! They all get to hold a microphone and ask him a question. Zzzzz. There's wacky music to let us know how much the girls suck. Actually, a few of them aren't bad. CariDee, Michelle, and Melrose all do a good job. Ah, yes. About Melrose. As she goes up to talk to Mark, the girls call her "Mel-stank" (um...good one) and Smell-rose (better). It looks like AJ is leading the charge. And any chance that I'd buy this Melrose-as-bitch edit just withered and died. These bitches are calling her names to her face in front of a complete stranger in the middle of a challenge. Fucking twats. She asks them what is up with this treatment, then blows them off to go up to Mark. AJ, Jaeda, and Michelle make snotty, dismissive faces as she does her faux interview. God knows why, because she blows all of them out of the water. Melrose nails it in an interview, saying the girls are far too concerned with her, and not enough with themselves. Preach it, Melrose.

Model pad. Michelle thinks Amanda's not being herself. AJ asks if she's uncomfortable with her sister possibly being bi. Amanda doesn't really know how to respond. And...scene. After the commercials, the girls get some Tyra Mail that reads "BEWARE OF SUPERMODEL. SHE BITES!!!" Well, AJ certainly does. Geez, remember when she was my favorite? Seems like a million years ago. The girls get into the Monster Escalade, which drops them at some design studio. Mark is there. He tells them that they'll be working the red carpet at an opening here tonight. The girls are excited. AJ is wearing the ugliest hat in creation. Mark tells the girls that they'll have an earpiece so that he can help them. And the subject of their interview tonight will be...Janice Dickinson. Score. CariDee knows immediately what sort of hell they're in for. Jaeda interviews that she's seen Janice be "being kind of like...not a bitch, but...kind of like, yeah, kind of a bitch." Hehehe. Jaeda's so cute these days. Begin!

CariDee asks Janice what makes her so "overpungent". I have no idea what word she was actually going for there. And, oof. In news not related to the challenge, CariDee sure has large bags under her eyes. Brooke asks Janice what makes her so bitchy. Scratching record sound. Anchal sucks. Eugena starts off well, but is interrupted by a bird shitting on Janice. Hahahaha! Michelle is blah, though she gives a good effort. Amanda sucks. AJ sucks, and it's all her ugly hat's fault. Melrose does very well. Jaeda royally sucks. Janice sprints off with her microphone. After the evening is over, Mark and Janice come out to announce the winner, who will do an actual interview for Entertainment Tonight. Janice jumps on AJ's ugly hat again. Nice. AJ interviews that she loves her hat; she doesn't care what Janice thinks. That's nice, sweetie. Maybe you can show your hat to Megg later. Spoiler! Mark selects Melrose as the challenge winner. Janice excitedly agrees. AJ is relieved not to have won. Did she actually think she stood a chance?

Model pad. Tyra sneaks in and surprises the girls. I suppose we haven't had enough boring segments this week, because it's time for those Tyresome one-on-one interviews we get every season. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Tyra tells the girls she's going to offer her guidance and share her vast knowledge and experience. I don't know why I'm constantly amazed at Tyra's gargantuan ego. She spots a drawing of herself on the refrigerator that AJ has done. It's not bad. Of course, Tyra would love any drawing in which she is the subject. Anyway, interviews. AJ wastes no time in getting teary, and calling Melrose out as "abrasive". Aw, I guess we can't all be as nice as AJ, who publicly calls people names. Cunt. Yeah, I said it. Melrose comes in with her ugly pink beret on. It certainly is the week of hideous headgear. She freely admits that sometimes her overconfidence can push others away. Tyra asks if she's scared to feel vulnerable. Um...duh, Tyra. Eugena is too cold. CariDee suffered from the heartbreak of psoriasis. Michelle is worried that Amanda isn't being herself. Amanda is withdrawn. She's worried for Michelle, knowing what a rough road an alternate sexual orientation can be.

Commercials. When we return, Michelle and Amanda get on the phone to tell their mother that Michelle basically just announced that she might be bi. Yeah, might be nice to tell the folks before the CW tells them. Their mom is kind of like "Uh.....OK, then." When she's done being stunned, she tells Michelle that she loves her no matter what. Aw. And she can't tell Amanda and Michelle apart on the phone. Heh. Oh, and apparently it's Mother's Day. Hahahahahaha! Happy Mother's Day, I'm a lesbian! Oh, man. Melrose goes to do her reward interviews. She talks to other people on CW shows, including that hot guy who plays Dick on Veronica Mars. Welcome to my short list of blonds, Ryan Hansen. Melrose does wonderfully. I'm going to go buy some posterboard and make a "GO, MELROSE!" sign with glitter. Back at the model pad, the girls get some Tyra Mail, which tells them that they'll be working with the person that knows them best. CariDee thinks it might be family members, which was my first guess as well. CariDee and I are thinking alike! Someone punch me!

The next day, the Monster Escalade drops the girls somewhere. I don't know, it's some studio or something. OJ pops out to greet them. Man, you'd think I'd be used to him after all these seasons, but I still cringe every time he appears onscreen. He tells the girls that they'll be posing with...themselves. They'll be shot once, go get made up again, then be shot again. And the theme? They'll be posing as celebrity couples. Zzzzzz. He assigns them their specific celebrities, which we'll get to later. OJ introduces the photographer, Matthew. The girls go to get made up in their first outfits. They pose in a set made up to look like a club, with some seriously awful extras "dancing" and "partying" behind them. Eugena's up first, as Jay-Z and Beyonce. Her Jay-Z is fine, but as Beyonce, she dances around like a complete hoochie. Anchal is next as Oprah and Stedman (about whom I know nothing). Her wig as Stedman is terrible. She looks like a Jehri-curled Charlie Chaplin. She does well as Oprah, though. CariDee is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. She looks stupid as Brad, and has to corral a bunch of screaming little kids. Hah! I'm not feeling the Angelina either. Maybe I just don't like her bad wig.

AJ is Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. She sucks at both. Brooke is Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. She does fine, though I don't know how challenging it is to look like white trash. For her Britney shot, they make her carry an eight-foot python named Banana. Hehehe. To her credit, she works well with Banana after some initial revulsion. Jaeda is Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston. She gives both of them some great energy, and winds up looking pretty damn good. Aw, you go, Jaeda. Michelle is Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi. Heh. She gives a perfect little Ellen dork dance. As Portia, her hair looks off. What is up with the stylists today? Amanda is Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. She's really boring, but I don't think it's her fault, given the boring people she has to portray. Melrose is Donald and Melania Trump. She does a very glamorous Melania. OJ tells her that almost every frame is useable. As Donald, she gives a hilarious pinchy face. I'm augmenting my "GO, MELROSE!" poster with little hearts made out of puff paint.

Model pad. Someone's getting eliminated! AJ is still wearing her fugly hat. Traditional hash out of who they think will wind up in the bottom two. Jaeda feels she did well at the photo shoot, but knows she did horribly in the other challenges this week. She says she don't know what she'll do if she winds up in the bottom two again. Don't tempt Tyra like that, Jaeda. After the commercials, we enter into the Chamber of Doom. No portrait of Tyra this week. Because what celebrity could burn as brightly as she? She asks the girls if they've had a whirled-wind of a week. IT'S WHIRLWIND! WHIRLWIND!!!!! Sorry, that's a pet peeve of mine. The prizes are recapped, and the judges are introduced, including guest judge Matthew, this week's photographer. Shit, there's a final challenge this week. And double shit, it's another interview challenge. The girls have to watch a clip of the Jays at a finale party and comment upon it. Unfortunately, they probably can't speak the truth, which is that both Jays look like crap on toast in this clip. As far as the challenge goes, it's a complete redux of the other ones, with the same girls doing well and the same girls doing poorly. Zzzzz.

Individual evaluations. CariDee is first. She did fairly well at the final challenge, and the judges inexplicably love her photo. Again. I think her Brad/Angelina shot is really unremarkable. Jaeda. She sucked at the interviews, but her Bobby/Whitney shot is great. The judges like the Bobby half more than the Whitney, saying she looks scared in that shot. Oh, she does not. The judges are impressed with Brooke's commentary challenge, and think she did an equally impressive job as Kevin/Britney. Yeah, I like the Britney half. I'm not feeling the Kevin photo, but then, I doubt that I ever could. She raps lamely again, much as she did way back when. Eugena looks embarrassed on her behalf. Amanda was too timid in her commentary. Nigel finds her Demi/Ashton shot the most convincing so far. Yes, if by "convincing" he means "dull".

Eugena was catty in her commentary, but Tyra doesn't seem too put off by it. The judges like the Jay-Z half of her shot, because it doesn't show her dead eyes. AJ's commentary was like "bad public access". Her Marc/Jennifer shot is cheesy and bland. Aw, you should have worn your ratty old hat, AJ! That would have won the judges over for sure. Michelle was very staccato in her commentary, but her Ellen/Portia photo kicks all kinds of ass. It really is awesome. At least the Ellen half. Melrose did a fantastic job in every challenge this week, and rocked the photo as well. I'm stringing my "GO, MELROSE!" poster with candy necklaces. AJ makes a snotty face. Eat it, bitch. Anchal's commentary sucked. But wow, did she nail the Oprah shot. The Stedman's not that great, but nobody cares much about him. Just like in real life.

Deliberations. Melrose was spectacular this week. Eugena is dead inside. Jaeda lacks confidence. CariDee is a keeper. Brooke performed strongly this week. AJ is incapable of being glamorous. Amanda has potential. Michelle is great. Matthew prefers Amanda, while Nigel prefers Michelle. Well, one of you isn't a regular judge, so I know who's going to win this fight. Anchal is too insecure. The judges chow down on donuts. Don't ask. It's a long story that's not amusing enough to go into. Elimination. Brooke is safe. Melrose. Another snotty face from AJ, like, GET OVER YOURSELF. Amanda is safe. CariDee. Michelle. Eugena. Anchal. Will Jaeda and AJ please step forward? Brief sidebar. Every week, when it gets down to two girls, I type out their names before Tyra says them, so I can attempt to stay ahead of her. And I'll be damned, but every week, Tyra says them in the opposite order, so that I have to go back and rewrite it. It's like she's doing it out of spite!

AJ takes nice pictures, but has no desire. Jaeda has no confidence. Both of them lack passion. And...Jaeda is spared from the gallows yet again. Yes! AJ makes a move to knock fists with her, but Jaeda doesn't see it, and leaves her hanging. Hahahaha! Tyra and AJ give each other weird little Japanese-lookin' bows. AJ hugs the girls. Even Melrose, though she tells her to "be nice". Shut up, AJ. Her portfolio is quite good, and she voices-over that Tyra eliminated her for the right reasons. Well, thanks for being mature about your elimination, AJ. Perhaps you could apply some of that maturity to not coining nicknames that would make a third-grader look ancient by comparison. She wears her disgusting hat in her final interview. Begone, AJ. You make me tired. Back to the Future fadeout. And then AJ is voted last week's Cover Girl (that audience-favorite poll online). The pull quote even praises her attitude. Hahahaha.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Eugena hates everyone else in the house. The girls dress as transvestite vampires. Or something. Burlesque is involved. Don't you need to have actual thighs to be good at that?

Overall Grade: C+

I Covered His Mouth, Oh My Gosh!

The Amazing Race - Season 10, Episode 5

Previously on The Amazing Race: Eight teams stuck around in Vietnam for a while. Sarah went through another tough wall climb, though this time it was voluntary, so I'm not drowning in sympathy over here. Speaking of drowning, Peter could barely manage to pluck baskets out of the water without sending himself (and Sarah) to a watery grave. Rob and Kimberly snapped at each other a lot, but managed a first place finish, while Tom and Terry ran out of steam and got eliminated. Seven teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. Hey, Duke. Put on a helmet!

Ha Long Bay, Vietnam. Phil has no opening blather for me to ignore this week. Nice! Maybe they can hear me. Godwin! Take off your shirt! RoKi leaves the mat first at 1:47 AM. Their clue tells them to fly more than 3,000 miles to Chennai, India. That's Madras for you old-fashioned folk. First, they'll have to take the train into Hanoi. And since Vietnam has some weird regulations about ticket purchase, they can't get plane tickets at the airport, so it's recommended at the outset that teams go to a travel agent. We hear nothing about what the teams are supposed to do once they actually get to India. I'm confident it will be something; seven weeks of watching people mill around twiddling their thumbs would get boring pretty quickly. Rob interviews that the race is a metaphor for life, so they need to chill out. Easier said than done, but I'm glad they recognize that there's a problem. They hop in a cab. Peter and Sarah leave at 2:17 AM. Man, that was some lead RoKi built up last week. Sarah interviews (in fact, it looks like the same interview as last week) that she's past that whole Peter-on-a-pedestal stage of dating. It looks like she's going straight on through to the Peter-is-an-asshole stage with no stops in between. Tyler and James leave the mat at 2:21 AM. You may not have heard, but they're recovering addicts. Apparently, that's the only facet of their lives except that they're models. Addicts. Models. Consider it understood. James has to draw a picture of a train to get the cab driver to understand where to go. They have an understandable giggle over the dumb little drawing, but they manage to use the words "wack" and "bro" unironically again, and I've really had it with their Hipster Speak.

Erwin and Godwin leave at 2:28 AM. They're wearing matching shirts with a picture of Phil and the word "LOST" on them. I'm sure you'll find him at the end of the leg. They interview that they're on the race for the experience rather than the money, which is exactly why I would sign up. I mean, yay for the slim chance of getting a million dollars, but double yay for the 100% chance of a free trip around the world. They go on to say that because of this, they see no need to lie or cheat. So they're above devious behavior. We'll have to remember that. David and Mary leave at 2:49 AM. David makes no bones about wanting to win the money, so he can get out of the coal mine and take his kids to Disneyland or the Grand Canyon. Aw. I bet I know which one the kids would pick. Lyn and Karlyn leave the mat at 2:53 AM. They laugh about the fact that they're stuck together 24/7 now, and are pretty much sick of looking at each other. Hehehe. KanDustin are the last to depart at 3:46 AM. Ouch. Tom and Terry must have been terrible at the rowing. Hey, they never told us how much money everyone's getting this leg. It looks to be at least sixty dollars. KanDustin interviews that they have to pull out all the stops to avoid being last, and vow to play very aggressively in this leg. They hope the trains don't start running until 5 AM or so. They're in luck. The station's not open yet, so everyone catches up.

At 5 AM, the station opens. That sun looks pretty high in the sky for five o' clock. Whatever. Everyone hops on the same train. Tyler and James say they just witnessed some people shooting up on the side of the train tracks, and you'll never guess what it reminds them of. Couldn't the junkies of Chennai find a better place to do drugs then an open train station right by the tracks? Tyler interviews that he started doing drugs when his father died in a car accident when Tyler was fifteen. Yeah, that's a rough thing to happen to a teen. I don't quite understand how an upper-middle class boy makes the leap from grief over a parent to heroin, but I won't pretend that I can empathize with his problems. Meanwhile, Erwin says that he doesn't really know the interpersonal dynamic of the other teams, but that he and Godwin, Lyn/Karlyn, and David/Mary are pretty well cemented as a group. I'd say this is the first alliance that ever did anyone any good on this show, if these three teams weren't averaging a fifth place finish or so. Godwin finds a travel agent in some map or guide book, and passes the info along to David and Mary (Lyn and Karlyn, being seated right by Erwin and Godwin, presumably already know).

Peter witnesses all this. He tells Sarah he's going to the bathroom, but stops to tell the Underdog Alliance that he'll tell them the closest agent to the train station. They're basically like "Keep walking, white bread". He continues on into another compartment, where he tries to form an alliance of his own with KanDustin. He tells them that the Underdogs are sharing maps (yep) and money (not that we've seen, but it's possible). KanDustin says that they have nothing to help them once they get to Hanoi, so they're not sure what Peter is asking them for. He says he'll share his map with them if they remember that down the road. They assent dismissively. Once he leaves, they wonder what prompted his offer. They think maybe it's cause he's all crushy-crushy on one of them, which...let's not go down that road, ladies. I like you, but you're not exactly going to be the impetus for the Trojan War anytime soon. They shrug that they'll figure out if it will benefit them to work with Peter on a case-by-case basis. Good for them. On his way back, Peter again "slyly" tells the Underdogs that he'll share the name of the closest travel agent. "Well, tell me, and quit telling me that you'll tell me," Lyn says. Awesome. He goes back to sit with Sarah, and Lyn continues that they don't need Peter for anything, so his trying to play the Underdogs like they're stupid can just stop right now. Looks to me like he's just trying to get into an alliance because he feels left out, not because he thinks it'll have any appreciable race benefits.

Erwin and Godwin -- you know, the guys who said they're doing the race for the experience and thus don't need to resort to trickery? -- resort to trickery. They have a fake cell phone, which Godwin uses to "book" tickets to Chennai. Because trying to shake up other teams by pretending to do something which would be a good idea to actually do always works. Right? Dumbass. Peter leaves the compartment again, and the Underdogs giggle over how manipulative they are. Yeah, they're so manipulative that Peter borrows a local's cell phone to call and book tickets through a hotel. Nice going, twits. Peter books tickets for KanDustin as well, since they have such a powerful alliance now. Snerk.

Hanoi. Everyone gets cabs. Tyler and James say that they're working with RoKi to get tickets. Man, nobody can just run their own race anymore. Being able to rise and fall based on your merit as a team is one of the reasons I watch this show in the first place. If I wanted to see stupid alliances being formed and broken, I'd watch Survivor. Peter and Sarah's cab driver is fairly slow, so KanDustin beats them to the hotel where they're picking up their tickets. According to the subtitles, they ask the ticket agent to help them before helping Peter and Sarah, but the quote is clearly patched together from separate lines. Nice try, editors. Peter and Sarah enter, and Peter warns KanDustin not to screw him. How? By picking up the tickets you've already booked? This whole scene is just to show that Peter is far more interested in working with KanDustin than they are in working with him, which we already knew. Sarah doesn't get a vote, of course, because she's just baggage on Peter's Grand Adventure. Other teams arrive at various offices to get tickets. David and Mary get separated from the other Underdogs, so they find out from a local that the office they're going to has moved. Erwin and Godwin find out the hard way. A local leads David and Mary to one travel agency, while Erwin and Godwin stumble across another.

The agent helping Peter/Sarah/KanDustin tells them that there's only one flight today that connects through Bangkok and gets into Chennai at around 12 PM the next day. They go ahead and book it. Elsewhere, Lyn and Karlyn are getting the same tickets. Yet elsewhere, so are David and Mary. Mary asks the people working there several times if this is the quickest way there, even throwing in a strongarm tactic, where she asks what the travel agency is going to do if people beat her to Chennai. Um...shrug their shoulders and write off your entire existence? I'll go with that. What are you going to do, Mary? Threaten to never use this specific Vietnamese travel agency again? Mary's cajoling comes to naught, as we see Tyler/James/RoKi snag tickets through Singapore and Delhi that will get them into Chennai at 9:20 AM. Ouch. I have to make the statement once per season: they should just title this show Ticket Agents Are Always Wrong and be done with it. The agent tells them that she can't print the tickets; they're coming by messenger. Er, not really sure how that works, but OK. The teams stress about making the flight.

The four teams on the late flight arrive at the airport. Lyn/Karlyn and David/Mary have an amusing little exchange of "What flight are you on?" "What flight are you on?" "I asked you first!". Heh. They figure out they're on the same flight, and relax. But wait! Erwin and Godwin are still at their travel agency, and they've got tickets connecting through Hong Kong and Delhi that will arrive in Chennai at, you guessed it, 9:20 AM. Peter and Sarah wander by the Underdogs and Lyn asks him what flight he's on. He gives some bullshit answer, and for once, I'm on his side. You've openly snubbed him, Lyn. Can't really expect him to help you out. Of course, he's kind of stupid, so Lyn figures out his real flight (which we know is the same as hers). She does have the grace to be sort of amused about the shady deals at work. The teams waiting for the messenger tickets get them, and take off for the airport. Erwin and Godwin arrive at the airport, and tell the rest of the Underdogs about their (better) flight. Mary has an unexplained cut on her lip. That has nothing to do with anything. I'm just noticing it. Erwin and Godwin remind them that they can't buy tickets at the airport, so they all start trying to think of how they can get David/Mary and Lyn/Karlyn on that better flight. They look mildly frustrated at worst, but the music would like you to think this is the most exciting event in the history of the world, so I'll indulge it. WILL THE REST OF THE UNDERDOGS MAKE THE EARLIER FLIGHT?!?!?!

Commercials. I don't think I've ever heard so much about breast cancer prevention and research during any other Breast Cancer Awareness month. Well done.

The Underdogs decide to look for the Cathay Pacific office. That'd be the airline with the better flight. I really don't know what qualifies it as "not buying tickets at the airport", but whatever. Tyler/James/RoKi get to the airport. Mary finds the Cathay Pacific office, which has a sign reading "OFFICE CLOSED" on the door. She walks right in, anyway. Heh. She begs the people inside to help her. A kind soul agrees, and tells them that the remaining Underdogs can get tickets to Delhi, but do not have confirmed seats from Delhi to Chennai. They are put on the reservation list, but will have to wrangle actual tickets in Delhi. They decide to risk it, seemingly based on the fact that they don't want to sit around on a plane with Peter/Sarah and KanDustin. What a remarkably stupid way to play the game. By all means, risk the earlier flight. It has the potential to pay off handsomely. But don't make travel decisions based on who you want sitting at your lunch table. You may have noticed that some of those people you're disdaining have finished ahead of you in every single leg. Peter, Sarah, and KanDustin sit around waiting for their flight, and do a rather mean (and yet rather apt) imitation of Mary carping at David. Erwin and Godwin join them, and tell them all about the earlier flight, because while they're nice boys, they're dumb as a bag of hair. Heh, no wonder they showed the shot of Peter/Sarah/KanDustin sitting in the Lucky Cafe. But what's this? They've somehow found out that the Underdogs don't have confirmed seats, so they're going to stick with the flight that gets in two hours and forty minutes later. I think I'd rather risk not getting seats, but knowing three other teams are in the same position I am.

Everyone takes off on their various flights. People land at various airports. In Bangkok, Peter/Sarah/KanDustin try to wrangle a better flight. And by gum, they find one (separately). It gets them into Chennai at 7:50 AM. Geez. Guess that blows the hell out of my argument. Thanks, ticket agents. KanDustin walks up to a counter near Peter, and he asks them what tickets they've got. They lie that they're not sure yet. I'm sensing this alliance is not as strong as Peter would like to think. Peter wanders over, looks over Kandice's shoulder, and sees that they're on the same flight. Comforted, he walks away. Kandice rolls her eyes at the camera. She and Dustin bitch to each other about how irritating Peter is. Well, yeah, if he had pulled that on anyone else, he'd be a tool, but he thinks he's in an alliance with KanDustin. Why wouldn't he expect them to tell him about the tickets? Now that Peter knows they were trying to hide information, their pathetic little agreement breathes its last, and falls apart. Meanwhile, in Delhi, Tyler, James, and RoKi are not happy to see the arrival of the Underdogs. Their frustration is understandable, but their surprise that these teams were able to actually summon the intellectual fortitude to buy airline tickets is a little insulting. Lyn/Karlyn and David/Mary scuttle off to try and get tickets on the connecting flight. It's full, so they go on the waiting list. Eventually, Lyn and Karlyn manage to get tickets, but David and Mary, despite their pleas of an "emergency", do not. "Sucks for them," Tyler says from the plane. Indeed.

Commercials. Those whiny kids in the Pizza Hut commercial don't need a Family Value Meal. They need a sound thrashing.

David and Mary wind up getting tickets that put them into Chennai at 10:00 AM. So they'll be behind by forty minutes. Establishing shots of Chennai. Peter/Sarah/KanDustin land at 7:50 AM. Phil finally tells us what comes next. Teams need to get themselves to a bus station, then take a bus about 40 miles to the town of Mamallapuram. Thanks, subtitles. Once there, they have to find an arts and crafts shop for their next clue. Don't let the name fool you. This is no Hobby Lobby. It's basically a guy sitting in a ditch with clay statues all around him. Peter whines about going from one polluted city to another. Because America's smog-free. The two cabs pull close to each other, and when KanDustin's cab driver goes to tell the other driver something, Dustin (I think) covers his mouth with her hand. Limits! I'm fine with not sharing information with your competitors, although I have to think the cab driver's going to be able to find the bus station. It's sort of his job. But you do not cover a stranger's mouth to prevent him from speaking. It's mitigated slightly by the fact that she did it in the excitement of the moment, and immediately realizes that it isn't acceptable. To her credit, Sarah says in an interview that KanDustin are fierce competitors, and she doesn't seem to hold a grudge against them for trying to beat her. It drives me crazy when people take it as a personal insult that their competitors are actually trying to, you know, WIN. Right, Tom? KanDustin is first to the bus station. Peter and Sarah just get dropped off at a streetside bus stop, but manage to get on the correct bus fairly quickly.

9:20 AM. The rest of the teams arrive, save David and Mary. The Underdogs get a good jump on cabs to the bus station, while Tyler and James' guy gets a bit lost. Kimberly racks her head on the open cab trunk. Ouch! Is she going to get a disease from that? 10:00 AM. David and Mary land. I refuse to believe that they landed before the 9:20 teams found the bus station. Mary says that she doesn't believe they're in last place. Their subtitle pops up. DAVID & MARY -- Currently in Last Place. Hahahaha! Funny editors. They think Peter/Sarah/KanDustin are behind them, though David admits the possibility of a faster connecting flight.

KanDustin arrives at the arts and crafts store, only to find a little handwritten sign that reads "Back at 11:30 AM". I wonder if that was a real sign or if it's a fake point set to get some teams evened up. Sarah and Peter catch up. Peter gives them a slightly sarcastic "Nice job on the taxi," which they deserved. Erwin/Godwin and Lyn/Karlyn hop a bus. RoKi finds one soon after. Since there's no real good place to shoehorn in the next interview, they just stick it here. Karlyn is happy to be in India, because the people have more "substance" to them. Which means that they're fatter. She says she and Lyn got some points and stares from the skinnies in Vietnam. Heh. On RoKi's bus, they're noting the smell. There's some talk about how they want to be in Europe, not in these poverty-stricken nations. It's meant to make them look really rude, but as you hear Kimberly talking, there's a shot of her on the bus, and her lips aren't moving. So she didn't just insult Indian people to their faces, as we're meant to think. I'm not RoKi's biggest fan, but that was unfair.

Tyler and James get out of their crappy cab and wait at a bus stop. The arts and crafts store opens, so Peter/Sarah/KanDustin can get their next clue. Detour! Wild Things or Wild Rice. In Wild Things, teams go nine miles to a crocodile pit. They then "help" two professional wranglers secure a crocodile. Once that's done, they put it on a stretcher and transport it to a new pit. In Wild Rice, teams just walk a couple hundred yards to a temple that has several chalk outlines on the ground. Using a template, they have to fill in the outline with colored powder (made from rice) to match the example. That powder sure is pretty, but I'd head for the crocodiles. Which both lead teams do. Tyler and James are still waiting for their bus. They're bleeding all sorts of time. It finally arrives. David and Mary arrive at the bus station and get a bus fairly quickly.

KanDustin is fretting over what they'll have to do with the crocodiles, when their cab blows a tire. The driver starts to change it, and Peter and Sarah blow right by. They get to the crocodile pits and start to jog to the correct one. Peter yells to Sarah to hurry, which she can't, because as she helpfully reminds us for the trillionth time, her artificial knee is leaking hydraulic fluid. You'd think Peter would know this. Sarah snaps that she's going as fast as she can. They get to the pit and hop over the wall. The professional wranglers throw a rope around a crocodile and some blankets over his face. One holds the snout closed while Peter wraps a rubber band around it. Sarah has to do one, too. Peter does the absolutely most unhelpful thing ever and harangues her about every single movement she makes. Dude, back off. He flusters her to the point where it takes her longer than I suspect it would have otherwise. KanDustin's tire is fixed. Peter tells Sarah that this is simple stuff. She wastes an opportunity to respond with "Just like pulling up empty oyster baskets, eh, ASSWAD?". Oh, well. They lift the crocodile onto the stretcher with the wranglers' help. It thrashes a little, and one of the rubber bands flies off.

KanDustin arrives. Peter and Sarah now have to tie a rope around the crocodile, which they do (with assistance, which is a good idea). As they start to carry the crocodile out, they spot KanDustin, so Peter says... Let me see if I can properly convey this in print. "Sarah, come OOoooooOOOOOnnnnnn!" KanDustin is a bit scared of the loose crocodiles running around, but get right to work. It looks kind of fun, to be honest. Peter and Sarah help release the crocodile. Once it's free, they get their next clue. They have to go back to Chennai by bus and find the Karthik driving school. Hey, I went to high school with a guy named Karthik. Saw him at the reunion. He's doing well, though he had some ill-advised facial hair. Peter and Sarah miss the bus by about fifteen seconds, mostly because Sarah can't keep up. Now that they have to sit and wait for another one, Sarah has time to unleash. She tells Peter that she can't go faster, implying that maybe he should stop yelling at her. He tries to pawn it off on encouragement and race enthusiasm, saying that that's the way he is. Sarah says that maybe he should work on that, and he's basically, "Um, no. I'm perfect." She says they should work as a team. He says they are, because look, they're in first place. He condescendingly reminds her that it's just a game; they're there to have fun. "I'm not really having fun with you, Peter." You go, girl.

Commercials. It's sad how excited I am to hear that Campbell's is going to put sea salt in their soups. Yum.

KanDustin releases their crocodile, and are able to catch up to Peter and Sarah. Lyn/Karlyn/Erwin/Godwin arrive at the arts and crafts shop, and decide to go over to Wild Rice to see how difficult it looks. They have to take off their shoes and socks when they get there, and the pavement is really hot. They get started on the design, moping about how long it's going to take. RoKi gets their clue and chooses Wild Things. Kimberly sees a cow wandering around the streets and asks if it's a homeless cow. Rob puts his hand up to his face, and the music guys insert an honest-to-goodness "sprrrrooooooing" noise of doofitude. Peter/Sarah/KanDustin's bus arrives. The teams at Wild Rice decide that the task will take too long, plus the sun isn't doing them any favors. They ditch for Wild Things. RoKi has no problems with their crocodile. A local tells them that the bus to Chennai comes once every half hour. They become nervous when they spot the Underdogs arriving at the pits. Tyler and James get their Detour clue, and decide to check out Wild Rice, much as the earlier teams did. The Underdogs work with their crocodiles. Lyn has trouble getting over the wall. See, this is where that We Love Fat Indian People interview should have gone. They manage to catch up to RoKi at the bus stop.

Tyler and James, despite knowing that it'll take a long time, decide to do Wild Rice. The bus to Chennai picks up the teams at the crocodile pits. The two lead teams arrive in Chennai and get taxis to the driving school. Tyler and James plug away on their design. David and Mary make it to the arts and crafts shop, and he tells her to pick whichever one she wants. She chooses Wild Rice. As they walk over to it, David carps that the other one may have been easier. Passive? Meet aggressive. Oh, I see you already know each other. When they arrive at Wild Rice, they put on special clothes, sort of like smocks. Tyler and James see this and rush back to get their own. In the blurblet for this episode, I said that Mary and David made a stupid Detour choice, because they can clearly see that Tyler and James are far ahead of them. But I guess that they still think Peter/Sarah/KanDustin are behind them, so maybe not wrestling a crocodile was a good idea, considering Mary's hurt ankle.

Peter and Sarah arrive at the driving school. Roadblock! "Who's the driving force behind this team?" At this point, I would turn to my partner and say "Have fun". This Roadblock would be horrific for me. The chosen team member has to sit through a short lecture on Indian driving laws, then drive themselves (and an instructor) around the packed streets. On the left side. Yeeks. Peter takes it. The instructor giving the instructions is hilariously strict, given that he kind of looks like Elvis: The Bloated Years. Once that's over, Peter does quite a good job of driving through the streets. He's calmer than he usually is. He's certainly calmer than I would be. They get the final clue just as KanDustin pulls up. The clue tells them to drive themselves, along with the driving school instructor, about ten miles to the pitstop, the Chettinad House (which is a ridiculously beautiful old palace). They leave. Dustin takes the Roadblock.

Tyler and James think they're done with Wild Rice, but the judge points out a section they've done incorrectly. David and Mary think they're catching up, but they're not even half done. I'm not buying. Dustin has a few more issues with the driving course than Peter did, but still performs quite admirably. They're off to the pitstop, at which Peter and Sarah are now arriving. Phil tells them they're team number one. They win a home gym system. Boring. RoKi gets a cab to the driving school, but Erwin/Godwin/Lyn/Karlyn are told by a local that it's walkable. KanDustin checks in as team number two. They did a really good job this week. Phil wonders if they'll be the first all-female team to win the race. Kandice cutesy-poos that she thinks they will be. RoKi arrives at the driving school, and Rob takes the Roadblock. The instructor tells him not to drink and drive. Rob's all "duuuuuuh". Tyler and James finish Wild Rice. Mary and David carp at each other. Rob seems to actually have fun with the driving. He does really well, and RoKi leaves just as Erwin/Godwin/Lyn/Karlyn arrive. Godwin and Lyn take the Roadblock. Godwin almost sideswipes another car. The words "chaos" and "insanity" make several appearances. They finish at about the same time, and leave.

RoKi checks in as team number three. Hey, they didn't fight at all this week! David and Mary finish Wild Rice. The cutest little girl in the entire world claps for them. Erwin and Godwin check in as team number four. We finally see a closeup of their shirts. In addition to "LOST" and Phil's picture, they read "REWARD: Bushel of Kiwis". That's...not that funny. Phil thinks the photo of him on the shirts is ugly. Heh. Tyler and James arrive at the Roadblock. Tyler takes it. Lyn and Karlyn are team number five. They don't appear to care the slightest bit. They don't see Mary and David, and hope that the leg will be non-elimination. Tyler finishes driving. They don't even attempt to build any suspense, and just show us them arriving as team number six. They're humbled by their worst placement ever. The sun sets. David and Mary arrive at the Roadblock, and Dave takes it. Mary interviews how proud of David she is. She thinks it's over for them. When they arrive at the mat, Phil tells them they're last. But good news! This is, indeed, the first non-elimination leg. And thank the heavens, they've changed the rules. Phil no longer strips the team of their money and possessions, sparing us twenty minutes of begging next week. There's still bad news for them. If they do not arrive in first place at the end of the next leg, they incur an automatic thirty-minute penalty. This is a fantastic change. It penalizes the last place team, but gives them a fighting chance. Thumbs up. Mary says that coming in first will be ridiculously hard, but they're not going to give up.

Next week on The Amazing Race: KanDustin doesn't appreciate being outfoxed by Lyn and Karlyn. And...robotic camel racing? OK, then.

Overall Grade: B+

Finale - Part 1

Project Runway - Season 3, Episode 13

Previously on Project Runway: Any chance that I'd ever feel bad for the way Vincent and Keith were edited flew out the window, landed on the street, got hit by a milk truck, fell off a cliff into a bed of razor blades, and rolled into a pond of salted lemon juice. On the upside, Bradley's still hot. We're still down to our final four. And still nobody's getting eliminated tonight. I've liked this season a great deal, but let's wrap this shit up, folks.

Opening credits. Qualify "they", Malan, and I'll actually agree that you're better.

Runway. Heidi comes out holding the velvet bag. Yay, velvet bag! She congratulates the final four, and drops the big challenge on them. Twelve looks. Two months. $8000 budget. They'll use the models they had in the last challenge. I can't believe Clarissa's still in the running, while Amanda and Lindsay are out. Boo! Heidi brings Tim out onto the runway. He tells them to give it their all. Heidi tells them not to play it safe. Shot of Laura. Hehe. Heidi goes on to send the designers back to the Atlas to pack and go home. So...what was the velvet bag for? Weird.

Atlas. Laura's suitcase is freakishly organized. I mean, I'm anal-retentive when I pack, too, but even my suitcases don't look that neat. She doesn't find the idea of producing a full line of clothing too scary; after all, she's produced a "whole line of kids". Heh. She's excited for the career opportunities showing a full line will open up. Everyone leaves the Atlas, and Laura starts walking home. Pregnant, carrying two bags, and wearing high heels. Unless you live two blocks away, spring for a cab, lady. The remaining three say good-bye to each other. Uli interviews that winning the last challenge has made her more confident. Michael promises his line will be hot. Jeffrey's dream of seeing a full collection walk down the runway is being fulfilled.

A month later, Tim begins to make the rounds. First, we head to Atlanta, where Michael is working on his collection. Tim pulls up in a cherry red Saturn convertible. Oh, Tim. I see you in a much more dignified color. Jeez, you're not going through a midlife crisis. OR ARE YOU? Michael opens the door and welcomes him. He sounds surprised, given the fact that this is shot from within his house. Granted, I don't know Michael, but I feel confident in guessing that he doesn't live with a camera crew. He interviews that seeing Tim is like seeing an old friend, then interjects with the fact that he's a "braceface" now. Heh. Yeah, we saw. He gives us a nice, wide, metallic smile. He shows Tim his little workspace, and Tim asks how he's progressing. He seems pretty behind. His line is called "Street Safari", and there are sketches taped to the wall of what his clothing will look like. As far as completed pieces, there's a long, white dress with crisscrossed laces on the chest. I like it. Another dress is a crazy print. Did Uli sneak in and do this one? I'm not wild about that one. Tim says that the collection doesn't look very cohesive right now, and Michael will need to focus on that. Michael's a bit anxious. He's got one month left, and has only completed three pieces.

Shop talk out of the way, Michael invites Tim over to his cousin's house for dinner. Once there, Tim meets Michael's father, Michael. And Pamela is there, of course. She's as cute as ever. His aunt is bustling around in the kitchen, but we don't hear her name, because it's time to delve into the designers' past. Unlike last season, this year doesn't feel like a race to see who can get the most sympathy for the crappy things life has thrown at these people. Good. There are baby pictures of Michael in which his dad is working the huge afro. Awesome. He talks about being an army brat over more pictures of him in various awkward phases, wrapping up with one that I presume is from his modeling days. He says that his parents have always been very supportive of his goals. His father tells Tim they thought he was going to be a beautician, but his aspirations changed on them. He's never tried to convince Michael to follow a different path, and that's particularly impressive for an Army father. The family circles up to pray before dinner. Michael wills himself to think positively about winning the season.

Flash over to New York City. There's another fake shot of Laura admitting Tim to her building via the intercom buzzer. I guess the camera crew just teleported in. Really, show. Stop with that. Laura is pleased to see Tim. She interviews that she'll be having her fifth son in a row. I can't even imagine trying to look after six kids, let alone five boys. Yikes. Her apartment is gorgeous, of course. She leads Tim over to a photo album, so that we can transition into shots of her as a kid, and also one with her first child. She looks so young in that shot. She says that her mother taught sewing, so she learned construction skills at a young age. She takes Tim in to see the progress she's made on the collection, which is considerable. She has started on everything, but hasn't finished anything, simply because she wanted to be able to discuss each piece with Tim. I like the way she thinks. She has stuck to an evening-wear theme, but hopes to take her usual silhouettes to a new level. Tim likes her work, but warns her that she'll need to "youth things up", because her pieces tend to skew old, and these are no exception. Tim has a particular problem with a rather frilly, green dress. Laura explains that this is where she was trying to take a risk, but Tim doesn't think it's pretty in the least. I don't know, I kind of like it. They talk about how much work she's got yet to do, and Tim kids that she should turn her children into a mini-sweatshop. Heh.

Speaking of her children, the boys stream in. One of them is already crying and whining. My reproductive organs draw back in disgust. Where's her daughter? Oh, well. One of the boys offers Tim something that turns out to be a hunk of turtle poop. Tim laughs and basically runs away from him. Laura interviews that this was probably her youngest son's way of welcoming Tim to the family. Hehehe. Everyone realizes that where there's turtle poop, there's probably a turtle, and that he's missing. They start to search for him, and eventually figure he'll turn up somewhere. Laura's husband comes in. He's nothing like what I pictured her husband would look like. He looks like an English Lit professor. Tim is exhausted after spending half an hour with the kids. Aw, poor Tim. One of the boys finds Frank, the turtle. Having all these children meant that Laura has never really had the funds to start and sustain a business, and she hopes the winning the season will help get her rolling in the right direction. Tim takes his leave. The turtle eats Cheerios.

Commercials. Make sure you take good care of your retirement money. How else will you host barn dances?

Miami, Florida. OK, the cherry red Saturn makes a little more sense here. Tim pulls up to Uli's apartment building. That bitch... OK, let me get a hold of myself, here. All right. Uli has an expansive ocean view from her balcony. I'm turning green. She interviews that she takes her inspiration from Miami living. That's fine, as long as the wardrobe from The Golden Girls doesn't filter into her aesthetic. She shows off some of the safari-themed dresses she's made so far. Tim likes them, but tells her that she's not going to surprise the judges with this line; that it's too predictable. She seems OK with that. She seems OK with everything. Tim suggests going for a walk.

They stroll along the beach. It's gorgeous. I miss the ocean so much. Uli talks about life back in Germany, and how she used to watch Miami Vice. Heh. She actually grew up in East Germany, so it was a fairly restrictive life. She learned to make clothes early, but grew up without much color, so that's why she's so attracted to the more vibrant patterns these days. Her baby pictures are adorable. She's happy to have made it to America, where you can start as nobody and achieve your dreams in a very short time. You want to tug at my patriotic heartstrings, show? Get back to me when my beloved countrymen aren't actively stripping away my civil rights. Uli's excited for Fashion Week.

Los Angeles, California. There are only two weeks left. Jeffrey welcomes him in, and interviews that he was glad to see Tim, but nervous as well, because he doesn't think he ever really convinced Tim of what his point of view is. Fair enough. We meet Melanie, who's got a dark mohawk above a head of blond hair, and little Harrison, who's a cutie. Jeffrey says that Melanie got pregnant five months after they started going out. Hmmm...I'm not sure that's something I'd share with the country. He talks about the 20-hour days he's worked, which is somehow our transition into his backstory. It's certainly not as cheery as Michael or Laura's. As we know, he used to be an abused, alcoholic, suicidal junkie. A roommate who had been unexpectedly fired came home and saved him from hanging himself. Guess that tempers the whole "got fired" thing, huh? Jeffrey cleaned himself up after his suicide attempt, and has been clean for five years now. Tim asks how things have been going, and he says that it's been crazy since the show started to air. Yeah, I can imagine that trying to strike a balance between designing clothes and dodging rocks thrown at your head can be tiring. He really wants to win, and thus provide Harrison with a future. It's an admirable ambition, which is why I'm so frustrated that he chose to be the asshole of the season. I can't see any way that he can win now, so he's essentially shot himself in the foot.

Tim and Jeffrey leave to go to the workspace. It's a gigantic warehouse. The clothes are wrapped in plastic and neatly hanging on a rack. Jeffrey interviews that his initial inspiration was Japanese ghost and demon stories. That's cool, though it doesn't quite explain the red and white polka dot number I see back there. He shows Tim a striped dress in green and white with some very neat zipper seams that Tim loves. Some of the other pieces are equally good, which Tim finds delightfully unexpected. Jeffrey likes that Tim is wowed, but says that he doesn't see it as foreshadowing to how the judges will feel about the collection.

New York City. Two weeks later. Five days until the runway show. Michael arrives first. He's quite excited, and loves his collection, calling it "nasty". Hmm. He checks into a suite much nicer than the one at the Atlas. He says he hasn't slept in two days. Next to arrive is Laura, who says that she feels very good about her collection. She really wants to win, if for no other reason than that means that Jeffrey loses. Meow! Yep, you can tell the show has started to air at this point. Those backstabbing interviews are no longer so private. She sneaks into the bedroom and shakes Michael awake for a hug. In the evening, Uli pulls up. She can't wait to see how the other designers' collections look. Or something. I'm too busy concentrating on the fact that I don't think her suitcase is going to fit in that revolving door. She enters the suite and hugs Michael and Laura, admiring the latter's pregnant belly. Jeffrey lands, and interviews that he's finished everything he wanted to get done. He's expecting some sort of eleventh hour surprise, which is good thinking on his part, given last season. He still expects to win. If only he could hear the music that greets him as he enters the suite. This is not "Here Comes The Winner" music. This is "Here Comes The Moustache-Twirling Villain, Ready To Tie Poor Nell To The Railroad Tracks" music. Uli asks him how his life has been, and if people have been throwing eggs at him. He pretends that everything has been peachy. I've read about his reactions to the vile things people have written about him on the internet. I'm not going to pretend I've been a ray of sunshine about him, but I have no wish to "hold him underwater until he stops struggling". And that's one of the more mild things I found. Michael and Uli get up to greet him, while Laura...doesn't. I have to say she's being fairly graceless right now. You said plenty about him too, lady. Jeffrey tells everyone about how much work has gone into his collection, and everyone heads to bed. Extremely fake-looking shot of moonrise over the skyline.

Commercials. Saw III. Limecrete passes. III.

Much more realistic sunrise. Four days until the runway show. Everyone hauls their collections out of the hotel. Laura is excited to get back to the workroom with Michael and Uli and "even the tension that Jeff tries to cause." Man, she is being brutal. Everyone walks into their spacious new workspace and begins setting up their collections. Michael says that everyone was pretending not to be checking out everyone else's work. I don't even see why they put up the pretense. Laura asks how much Jeffrey has done, because it looks like a lot. It's eight dresses, a bathing suit, and three separates. He thinks the plastic bags add volume. Tim enters and gathers the designers. He pumps them up for Fashion Week, and cautions them to think about their entire presentation. He dismisses them so he can make the rounds to each individual designer.

Jeffrey's collection is done. No, DONE. No buttons to sew. No hems to clean up. Everything is finished. Laura's face gives us a window into the shitstorm that's about to fall. Tim seems to love Jeffrey's work. Uli does not fare as well. Tim tells her he'd like to see her clothes on actual people, because he's worried about proportion. He says he kind of misses her wacky print dresses. Aw, me too. She may have been predictable, but she could really work that style. Laura's detailing work is phenomenal, of course. She's gotten rid of the green dress Tim didn't care for during his visit. Tim is really pleased with her overall work. Michael's first dress gets an "Oy". That's not a good sign. Tim asks to see the rest of it, and Michael brings out a...holy hell, what is that? It's a white shirt with the front pockets make entirely out of silver sequins. I'm slack-jawed that Michael is capable of producing something so hideous. Even his less successful garments during the season at least had a basis in something pretty. This is just...icky. Oh, God, it also has big ol' brass buttons. Feh. Tim tells him he can either intentionally go over-the-top with things like this, or he'll have to start taking elements away. Michael's flustered. Tim collects everyone's receipts, so the producers will know what the $8000 was spent on. Jeffrey fusses a little over his before handing them over. It's meant to look very suspicious. Work montage. Except for Jeffrey, of course. Michael interviews that he'd rather go over-the-top than have no point of view. He says he's going to "rework" the details of his garments. Uli looks forward to the model casting.

And hey, here we are! Girls walk for the designers. Laura excitedly chooses a girl with actual hips. Heh. They've been seeing too many toothpicks, I gather. Looks like Katie is there, but she doesn't get the fanfare that Amanda does. A bunch of other no-names are chosen. The next segment is a mind-numbingly boring hair consultation with one of the stylists. I'll spare you. Although it is worth noting that Jeffrey has brought several blond wigs. It looks like he wants all the girls to look the same, so that it's the clothing that people are focused on. Mattel would be proud. Night falls. Morning. Three days until the runway show. Everyone heads to the workspace to meet some models for preliminary fittings. Hey, I think one of Michael's is Alexandra. Laura interviews that Jeffrey's work doesn't need a lot of alterations, because of the way they're constructed. She goes on to say that the alterations are one thing, but she's having trouble buying the fact that he was able to finish every button, hook, and seam before arriving in New York.

Commercials. I want to know what that song in the Intel commercial is. That's got a nice beat to it.

Oh, Jesus. The boring hair segment wasn't bad enough. Now it's time for an even more boring makeup segment with my un-favorite snooze, Collier Strong. Skipping! Seven hours until the end of the day. Everyone works on the details of their collection, except for Jeffrey, who's just kind of sitting there. Laura interviews that she's been stewing over this for two days, and that she doesn't believe that Jeffrey sewed the collection himself. Jeffrey wanders out of the room, and while he's gone, Laura voices her suspicions to Michael and Uli. Michael immediately agrees there's something fishy about it, especially given that Jeffrey has said he's also been working on other projects in addition to his Fashion Week line. Laura interviews that she has no problem believing that Jeffrey designed the entire line, but that you don't "pull craftsmanship like that out of your ass." So it's not just that he was able to finish all that in a short amount of time; she actually feels he's not capable of the work that was produced. The three of them go to pick over Jeffrey's clothing. Uli seems to find some imperfections (that would exonerate Jeffrey, I assume), but Laura points out some stellar stitching on leather jeans. They agree to bring it up with Jeffrey when he gets back.

But it's not Jeffrey who enters the room next, but Tim. Who knows how this would have gone if Jeffrey had never left? It's an interesting thought. Tim checks in with Uli first. She says that the day went pretty well, though she's still missing some models to fit. It's during this that Jeffrey comes back with some food. So now Laura cannot confront Jeffrey without Tim being present. She asks to speak with Tim, and he suggests moving out onto the terrace for some privacy. She hesitates. It looks like she's torn between making this a clandestine accusation and openly involving the entire room. She ultimately agrees to go outside. After a weak transition from talking about the terrace, Laura presents her suspicions to Tim. She details the things that Jeffrey has supposedly accomplished in a collection seemingly beyond his capabilities in a very short time span. She says that it's nothing she can prove, admitting it's just a gut feeling she has, and that she wanted to go on-record rather than ignoring it. Tim tells her that something like this can be difficult, if not impossible to prove, but he will take it to the producers, and they will investigate. Tim leaves. Laura interviews that she knows people will think she's a bitch for bringing this up (and she was right -- you should see some of the shit I've been reading on the internet about her), but that she stands by her belief that there's no way Jeffrey could have accomplished what he has on his own.

Commercials. The new Top Chef contestants are briefly introduced. Michael and I? Oh, yeah, we're going to have some problems.

When we return, Uli says that Laura has an announcement. Laura doesn't really want to phrase it like that, but doesn't miss a beat before telling Jeffrey about her conversation with Tim. Every single other time that Jeffrey has been confronted about anything on this show, he immediately goes on the offensive. This time he stares silently at Laura, then gives a tight "No, absolutely not". And that, more than anything else I've seen, makes me think Laura is right. I'm really not in a position to know if Jeffrey cheated or not, so I'm hesitant to hand down some sort of proclamation of his guilt or innocence. For all I know, he's worked his ass off for the past two months to get this collection done. But we have been watching Jeffrey for several weeks now. We've gotten a feel for his personality. And my gut reaction is that if he had really done all the work himself, he'd be screaming in Laura's face right about now. He just waveringly tells her that he's come on the show to show what he can do. Michael shoulders some of the blame for her accusations, saying that he agreed with her once she brought it up. Uli starts to say something, but I can't hear it over Jeffrey's protestations. Laura calmly says that she had a feeling she needed to express, and now he knows what it is. Jeffrey just sits there, but soon flees to the terrace. It's just so out-of-character. If he's innocent, he's still being awfully shady. Laura says to the others that she's not going to apologize for bringing the subject up. Jeffrey interviews that Laura just feels that if anyone does better than she did, they must be cheating. "Who fucking cares what you think?" he rhetorically asks. I'll answer him anyway. The producers.

Morning. In bed, Laura says basically what I just did, that Jeffrey's reaction was odd. She expected him to say (as she puts on a faux-Jeffrey voice) "What the hell, bitch? I made this stuff myself. Shut up!" In even odder news, Laura apparently wears her earrings to bed. She hopes there won't be horrible tension in the workroom. They enter the workroom and set up. Jeffrey interviews that he started his business making hundreds of one-of-a-kind pieces for celebrities. His point is that he's genuinely able to make good clothes quickly, when it's all his own time to do it on. I'm not sure what makes his self-imposed time limits any more special than the show-imposed ones. He's not saying a word to anyone else, when you'll remember he couldn't wait to rehash the entire mom challenge with Angela. I'm just saying. Tim enters to talk to Jeffrey. He starts by saying that Jeffrey will be assumed innocent until they find reason otherwise, and gives him the opportunity to confess if he is, indeed, guilty. Jeffrey denies it. I know it must seem that I'm looking for ways to nail Jeffrey to the wall, but I must point out that he's not able to meet Tim's eyes as he says this. Tim generally inspects the collection, and says that they'll be studying Jeffrey's receipts to look for irregularities. "I fucking made the entire collection," Jeffrey interviews. "But I'm scared to death that I'm not going to be showing at Bryant Park." Um...why? It's not like Laura has the time or power to cobble together some vast conspiracy against him. If he made the collection, then they won't find anything wrong, and he'll be fine. It's only if he actually cheated that he has cause to worry. Yeah, I can feel my scales tipping.

Next week on Project Runway: Fallout from the accusation. Tim says something that makes Jeffrey cry, though whether in sadness or relief, I don't know. Clothes will be shown. A winner will be picked.

Overall Grade: C-

The Girl Who Joined the Circus

America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 4

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Monique was a bitch. Monique was a bitch. Monique was a bitch. Monique got eliminated. Ten girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Model pad. Everyone is relieved that Monique isn't darkening their doorstep anymore. Although I guess she darkens everything, given her horrific childhood problems. A bunch of girls pile into the large shower, apparently trying to recreate Act II of a straight porn movie. They squeal and shriek and have a grand old time. Melrose gets out of bed and comes into the bathroom to ask them to keep it down, so that she can get a few hours of sleep before they have to get up. Isn't she a rancid bitch? No, seriously. The show would like us to think that Melrose is being an insufferable snot...for asking people to stop screaming in the middle of the night. Nice try, show. Megg interviews that she doesn't appreciate Melrose's attitude, because she just wants to rock n' roll, and have a good time. How very HARDCORE of her. Brooke interviews that Melrose rubs everyone the wrong way, and that she's a know-it-all. Yeah, people who want to get three hours' sleep before a competition are such assholes.

Jaeda interviews that her confidence has been shaky ever since they slashed all of her hair off. She says that modeling is way harder work than she thought it'd be. Meanwhile, someone asks Anchal if she wants to come eat with them, and she assents, even though she just ate. She goes to the kitchen and starts cooking four eggs, all of them for herself. I'm not one to give people shit for eating a lot. If I did, I'd instantly be struck by a bolt of lightning. But, yeah. Anchal does seem to be packing it in. She interviews that she doesn't have a flat stomach like the other girls, and has actual hips and larger breasts. I like how she snuck that one in there. Heh. She says she grew up hearing a lot of criticism (shots of her as a kid...aw), but she just takes it in and doesn't say anything.

Tyra Mail! Key words include "twisted", "stretch", and "bend over backwards". Hey, maybe they really are making a porn. The Monster Escalade drops the girls off at a building with some colored lights and a few sad balloons for decoration. They're met by Stacey McKenzie, a very gifted drag queen who models and is a judge on Canada's Next Top Model. Sorry, what? She's not a drag queen? She's a woman? Hehehe. Good one. But, anyway... Huh? She actually is a woman? Um... Wow. If this is what Canada considers a model, it's no wonder nobody ever takes them seriously about anything. "She" introduces a man named Jonathan, a contortionist who's going to show the girls some extreme poses. Bend, stretch, blah blah blah. Stacey pretends that the girls would have to do these poses for a high fashion show, just as OJ pretended that actual high fashion shows would have tilt-a-whirl runways that dump the models into a pool. Tyra? Sweetie? Give up the ghost.

The girls, now wearing fugly leotards, attempt to do some leg stretches. Anchal is surprisingly gifted at pulling her leg over her head, which she interviews was a shock to her. After they're done, Melrose tells her she's surprised at her. "Why, you didn't think I could do it?" Anchal snots. Melrose says that it's not that, it's just that she didn't know Anchal had that talent. And I'll remind you that Anchal herself didn't know, which she just told us ten seconds ago. Anchal goes on to ask the group that if she's so flexible, why isn't she skinny? Melrose answers that flexibility has nothing to do with being skinny, and that Anchal has to exercise. Anchal says she does exercise. Melrose says that she hasn't seen her. Anchal snaps that she hasn't exercised in the model pad, but she does at home. Then she interviews that she doesn't see why Melrose has to concern herself with Anchal's body. This scene is, again, played from the "Isn't Melrose a catty snatch?" angle. And is, again, unfair. Why should Melrose concern herself with your body? Maybe because you just asked everyone why you're not skinny. Sorry your compliment fishing expedition didn't bring in the haul you were expecting, Anchal. Reap what you sow.

Evening. Model pad. Melrose, Jaeda, Brooke, Michelle, and Amanda are hanging out in the hot tub discussing Anchal. Michelle opens with the fact that Anchal is equal parts insecure and looking for compliments. Melrose agrees, saying she thinks Anchal may sometimes put on a wounded front so that someone will reassure her. She didn't mean to insult her, but obviously offended her. Jaeda interviews that Melrose comes across as pushy, but has good intentions. When did Jaeda become so awesome? Meanwhile, in the terrace above the hot tub, the other girls (save Eugena) are smoking and eavesdropping. The hot tub girls say that since this is a competition, they should just let Anchal eat and not exercise, and thus suck. Jaeda says that Anchal is beautiful and doesn't know it. Melrose says that Anchal certainly does know it, given the fact that the judges tell her so every week. Melrose thinks Anchal's not working her beauty well. I have to say, I agree with pretty much everything these hot tub gossips are saying. Anchal does fish for compliments, is insecure, and is not using her beauty to deliver good pictures. This is all fact, often substantiated by Anchal herself. The one legitimately bitchy thing Melrose says is that she considered Anchal her stiffest competition at first, but that she's "not becoming more beautiful" to her. CariDee interviews that they heard Melrose trashing Anchal. I guess Michelle, Amanda, Brooke, and Jaeda are all imaginary. So of course Anchal bursts into tears and runs inside. She cries as AJ comforts her, calling the other girls "fake". Commercials.

When we return, Anchal interviews that she was hurt by Melrose's comments. Sepia-toned flashback for those viewers whose memory doesn't span beyond three minutes. AJ gives her a hug, and interviews that she hates Melrose, and that it takes a lot of strength not to "retaliate" when she says mean things. Again, I'll totally buy that Melrose is annoying, but she's not half as bad as these people are making her out to be. Anchal vows to do the best she can in the competition. Later, the girls are whisked off to dinner where they await a "special guest". The guest turns out to be Twiggy. The dinner conversation is boring and unimportant; it's just another opportunity for the other girls to interview about Melrose's annoying habits. This one is that she kisses up to people. And yeah, this time I can't argue the point. Take it down a couple of notches, brown-noser.

Morning. Tyra Mail! It says something about "knocking you off your pedestal". Brooke thinks they'll be jousting, which would have been cool. The Monster Escalade drops the girls at an art gallery, where they meet a designer named Bao. She explains the next challenge, which will be to strike a dramatic and artistic pose to show off her collection of gowns. Jaeda is literally slack-jawed with worry. She knows she didn't do well at the contortionist stretches. Bao introduces a jeweler named Erica, who tells the girls that they may select one of the ten pieces of jewelry behind her to wear in the challenge. The girls get made up and stretch. When they're ready, they strut out to the main room, where pedestals await for them to stand on. The gowns are actually pretty cool; they manage to be interesting while avoiding that pitfall of being ugly. The girls are told to select their first pose. It looks like they have to hold that for a while, then choose another one. Guests stroll around and look at the girls. Amanda stumbles a bit. Melrose interviews that she's pretty confident in this challenge. After some more boring posing, the challenge ends. Bao gets to select the winner, and she chooses Eugena. Fair enough. She wins all the jewelry the girls wore, the total worth of which is about $32,000. Wow. After the challenge, it's time to pick on Melrose some more. She talks to the other girls about what she could have done better, and a bunch of them interview that she yaps a lot (which is true), and would like to see her gone. AJ makes a face behind her while she's blabbing. Heh. Hey, at least she's talking about how she can improve, and isn't all "Hey, I should have won! I'm so fabulous!" Commercials.

When we return, Tyra meets the girls at the model pad. It's another one of those hideously boring segments we get every season, where Tyra pretends to be Oprah to get the girls to open up to her. She wants to talk about the girls' fears. Melrose dreads being the "old one" (and she's twenty-three -- yikes). Jaeda wants to show confidence with her new hairstyle. Tyra mentions interpersonal relationships, which of course leads to the whole Anchal-overhearing-gossip thing. There's another sepia-toned flashback, and OH MY GOD, WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. WE WERE SITTING RIGHT HERE. Anchal cries as she talks about having no confidence in herself, which Jaeda interviews is fake. Wow. Tyra relates the story of being intimidated by another model that she couldn't stand up to. She doesn't name names, but I think we can just call this other model Caomi Nampbell. Melrose interviews that she now feels singled out as "the mean one". Yep, I'd say so. The girls get Tyra Mail that says that models are often "FREAKS of nature"; then we cut to the next day, as the girls are driven to their photo shoot out in the middle of nowhere.

They get out of the Monster Escalade in some ugly industrial yard, part of which has been converted into a circus-type setting. Finally a place where OJ fits in. He tells the girls they'll be portraying characters from turn of the century freakshows. I assume he means the turn from the 19th to the 20th century. The freakshows of this last century turn would be, like, Paris Hilton. OJ introduces Mike, the photographer, and the two give the girls their roles. The girls go to get made up. In the middle of preparation, OJ asks the girls to come outside to meet their special guest. It's Atoosa Rubenstein, editor-in-chief of Seventeen magazine, who will be sitting in for the shoot. AJ is up first. She's a cannibal, and there are bloody body parts strewn all over her cage. Plus, there's a hunky male model who gets to just lay there as she drips blood from her mouth all over him. It's pretty cool, actually. Brooke is rubber girl. I can't really concentrate on her shoot, because I'm listening to the music, which is ripped directly from the theme music to Dead Like Me. They should have used that for AJ's shoot! Man, that show was so great. Sigh. Canceled before its time. Michelle and Amanda are Siamese twins, joined at the foreheads. They start off kind of slow, but eventually get into it and give some good poses. Megg is the bearded lady. She sucks rocks, as always. OJ is disappointed in her, and she flees to the makeup trailer to get her beard taken off. She cries and says she has potential and knows she can do better. Megg, having seen your other pictures? No, you can't.

CariDee is the elephant woman, and her makeup job is really good. She has a little top hat and parasol. Eugena is the bird lady. She has a beak and poses in a cage. OJ seems to like her posing. Anchal is the "giant lady". She plays a tiny violin. They stop to do some touchup on her makeup, and OJ gives her some posing pointers. Atoosa comes over and spews a bunch of claptrap that amounts to literally no meaning. Actually, let me go back and get this verbatim: "I always feel like the best pictures, the most beautiful fashion pictures, is where there's like a real thing happening. So, like, get to that place." Gee, thanks, Atoosa! That's so helpful! I can see why they made you editor-in-chief! Anchal takes some more pictures hunched over a tiny table. OJ seems to think the second set is a big improvement. Jaeda is the strong-woman. She's had abs drawn on that look quite realistic. She also has a barbell and a feathered cape. After a few shots, OJ tells her to imitate the picture of Tyra in the model pad where her teeth are bared in anger. Jaeda does a weak growl. OJ tells her to commit to it, and she does a better one. He tells her that they'd like to spend less time coaxing her out of her shell, so that she can take more good photos. Melrose has an "old face/young body". She gives a nice variety of poses that drives OJ crazy. The good kind of crazy. Atoosa is impressed as well. Too bad I have no respect for her opinion anymore.

Evening. Model pad. Brooke would like to get through the Tyra Mail quickly, because Amanda's got to pee really bad. Hehe. Upcoming elimination. Anchal munches an ice cream bar. Mmm, I want one of those right now. Girls hash out who they think will be going. Jaeda's really anxious. Commercials. We come back to the Chamber of Doom, and a picture of Tyra as a lion tamer with a whip. I pick on Tyra a lot, but it's a really good photo. Tyra is pleased that nobody looks stupid at judging, for once, and recaps the prizes. She introduces the judges, including guest judge Atoosa Rubenstein. No final challenge, and we go straight to the photo evaluations. AJ is up first. The judges love her cannibal shot, and I agree that's it's great. Eugena finally gets compliments for her photo. It's not a terrific shot, but I will say that it's the best Eugena's done so far. Brooke. For the third week in a row, the judges like her photo more than I do. Twiggy actually articulates my feelings the best, saying that Brooke's body language as the rubber girl is great, but the face is a letdown. Michelle and Amanda. They bonk heads before stepping forward. Heh. Their photo is quite good, but Tyra points out that the way the light is hitting Amanda's chin makes it look swollen. Ew, she's right! I wish she hadn't pointed that out; I'd never have noticed otherwise. Anchal. The judges think her shot is generically beautiful, but she didn't convey "giant" well. She looks fine to me. She's hulking a bit, which really works.

Jaeda. Twiggy loves her snarling face as the strong-woman. Atoosa tells her that she took too long to direct, basically parroting OJ's line from earlier. Tyra tells her she would have preferred to see Jaeda look aloof as opposed to mean. OK, stop. First of all, Atoosa (and by the way, nice name -- you sound like a Pontiac), you're supposed to be judging on the photo; not the photo shoot. OJ's coaching should have nothing to do with how you view her at panel. Second of all, Atoosa (all-wheel drive and power windows come standard!), all of these girls get an allotted amount of frames to get a good shot. Jaeda received no more than anyone else, and she GOT THE SHOT. Maybe it came towards the end, and there weren't a lot of good shots to pick from, but so what? OJ gets to critique Jaeda about this; you don't. Third of all, Tyra, you never tire of yelling at the girls for refusing to follow OJ's direction. Jaeda did exactly what OJ asked of her (with the angry face), and now she's getting shredded for it. This entire critique of Jaeda was complete bullshit.

Melrose gets raves for her shot. I like it, too. Megg's shot is boring and awful. Again. Finally, the judges see it, too. Twiggy says she looks like she's waiting for the photo shoot to start. Nigel says that she looks a little down right now, and asks what the matter is. She cries, and says that she's capable of more than she's been giving in her photos. Don't fall for it, judges! Tyra tells her to put that insecurity into her photos, because it's not like the bearded lady has all sorts of fun being stuck in a freakshow. Hey, Tyra just made a good point! CariDee looks fairly awesome as the elephant lady. I'm just glad she didn't bug me this week. Of course, she didn't have a lot of screentime. The judges wet themselves over it. Megg is still crying. The girls are dismissed. Commercials.

Deliberations. Which freak is going home? Melrose did a fantastic job. Atoosa thinks Brooke is sweet (way to miss the point again, idiot), but Twiggy points out she has yet to deliver a great photo. Eugena may have just had a lucky shot, because Atoosa thinks she was dead-eyed for most of the shoot. Atoosa? Sweetie? JUDGE ON THE ACTUAL PHOTO YOU'RE GIVEN. Oh, one more thing. SHUT THE FUCK UP, ASSHOLE. AJ was wonderful. Twiggy thinks Megg is a disaster. Atoosa disagrees, because Megg has a good personality. Nigel points out that a good personality doesn't necessarily translate to good pictures, like, DUH. SHUT UP, ATOOSA. SHUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUP! Tyra tells the judges to judge Michelle and Amanda separately. They both seem to be fine, though the judges once again seem to prefer Michelle over Amanda, which I believe has happened just about every week. Twiggy thinks that Anchal is pretty, but can't model. CariDee rocked her trunk. Jaeda had to be pushed too much. Yeah, it's still bullshit. Twiggy didn't know the abs in her photo were fake. Hehehe.

Elimination. CariDee is safe. She spazzes, of course. Eugena. AJ. Melrose. Michelle. Anchal. She pumps her arms and says "Fee-Fi-Fo-Thank God" as she walks up. Hah! Amanda. Megg looks around to see how many girls are left. Not many, twit! Brooke is safe. Will Jaeda and Megg please step forward? Megg has a good personality (pffft), but it's not showing in the pictures. Tyra plainly hates Jaeda's guts no matter what she does, so whatever. Still, Jaeda's getting another chance, so Megg will be on her way. Yes! Megg thanks the judges for the opportunity, and says that she'll use this to make her stronger. In her final interview, she says she'll miss the other girls a lot. Well, some of them. She talks about becoming a musician-model. If she sings as well as she models (as we see her God-awful portfolio flash on screen), our eardrums are in trouble. Bye, Megg! Guess you weren't HARDCORE enough, after all. Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Michelle says she might be gay. America yells "Ya think!?!?!?!" in unison. Janice Dickinson tears the girls to shreds, which is always fun.

Overall Grade: B-