America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 1
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Geez, what drug addled your memory? It was five minutes ago! Thirty-three girls came to Los Angeles for a teaspoon of fame, and twenty of them discovered that they're too plain even for this show. Ouch.
Los Angeles. The girls walk down Hollywood Boulevard, peering at the stars on the sidewalk. I don't know, I pretty much stopped considering those stars as some sort of talent benchmark the day I heard Britney Spears has one. They walk into a large room with a runway, where Miss J awaits them. Yep, we're diving right into the first challenge. Miss J introduces the guys behind Elmer Ave, a Los Angeles design team. Ugh. You just need to catch one glimpse of them to know exactly what they and their clothes are like; it's basically a fashion design team made up of four Jeffreys. Feh. Then the stage is stormed by a bunch of ugly male models. Sorry to be so harsh, but there are thirteen guys up there, and maybe two of them are bordering on cute. One of the Elmer guys tells the girls what their challenge will be. On his word, they have to snag a male model of their choosing, take his clothes, and wear them down the runway, trying to feminize them as much as possible. Hey, not a bad idea. It'd be better if the clothes weren't essentially unisex anyway, but whatever. Elmer says go, and the girls stampede. Melrose interviews that a lot of the girls were trying to select hot models, but that she was concentrating on the clothes. Megg yells some more, and it looks like my prediction that I'll be telling her to shut up a lot is going to come true even sooner than I expected.
The impromptu runway shows begins. Since every piece of the clothing is ugly to the exact same degree, there's really nothing to focus on but the girls. They go alphabetically. AJ rocks it out. I think she may be my favorite at this early stage. Amanda is boring. Anchal seems fine, but interviews that she really only needs to work on two things: her confidence and her body. Um. That's a bit like saying that you've got walking down, but just need to work on two things: when your left foot moves, and when your right foot moves. Anchal's a bit of a mystery to me. Brooke is competent. Caridee looks freaking ridiculous. Christian tells us she "rules the runway". Only if the runway is a kingdom where everyone strikes awkwardly dumb poses. Eugena isn't very good. Jaeda apparently hopes that by not wearing pants, nobody will look at her face. Megan isn't very good. Megg gets to the end of the runway and whips her hair around, because she's so HARDCORE. She's not even speaking, and I still desperately want her to shut up. Melrose is confident. She has a really horrible walk. Michelle sucks. Monique is fine. Wow, that's it? There are no girls past the letter M in the competition? Odd. The Elmer guys decide the winner, and since I have no respect for their taste in clothing, I don't know why I'm so surprised when I have no respect for their choice of winner, either. It's Melrose. She's won a prize that she won't find out about until later.
When the girls walk out, they're met by a Monster Escalade. I guess the Monster Humvee retired. The girls squeal when they see it. Squeal when they get into it. Squeal when they discover Tyra Mail with their house key inside. Squeal when they get out of the car. The poor driver looks like he's about to shoot out his eardrums with a nail gun. The model pad is swank, as usual, with its swimming pool and jacuzzi. I'm particularly impressed by the spacious, wood-paneled kitchen. That room is pretty. It's also almost literally the only room in the house without giant pictures of Tyra plastered everywhere. I wonder if Tyra's ego will ever get so big that it pops. There's even a letter from Tyra blown up to poster size that we hear in voiceover. The entire point of the letter is to encourage girls to shit-talk each other in the confessional, but what's really funny is that it's signed with XOXO at the end. I was always given to understand that XO meant hugs and kisses, but Tyra insists on pronouncing each letter, like she's reading off a Tic-Tac-Toe board. The girls love the house. AJ strips down and jumps into the pool. Brooke runs for the confessional to make a fake phone call about how excited she is. Hmm. Brooke seems like a pretty unobjectionable girl so far. But between this and the "rapping" last hour, I think someone told her once upon a time that she's funny, and she's really...not.
There are only eleven beds for thirteen girls, and Brooke tells us that she and Christian got hosed. It looks like they get some sort of shaggy sofa to sleep on. Meanwhile, Monique moves all of Eugena's stuff off of a bed, and replaces it with her own stuff. She then pours a little bit of water on the comforter to "mark her territory". Nice of her to use that phrase. Now I don't even have to make a "bitch" joke! Needless to say, Eugena is not pleased when she returns to discover that her bed has been poached. Monique pretends she has pissed on the sheets, which Eugena doesn't buy for a second. She actually makes a far smaller deal out of it than I would have in the same situation. She and Monique have a little spat, but Monique snots that she's going to stay right where she is, in the bed under a poster of Tyra. Except that all the beds have a poster of Tyra over them. And shouldn't both Eugena and Monique have beds anyway? I thought Brooke and Christian were the bedless ones. Anyhow, the point is that Eugena meekly goes to sleep on the shaggy sofa, instead of waiting until Monique's back was turned and throwing all her stuff into the pool, which is what I wish had happened. Monique smarmerviews that she "deserves" a bed, just as she "deserved" to be in the competition. Seems to me the only thing Monique deserves is an angry cobra shoved down her blouse, but I'd be more than willing to give her a Purple Heart if it meant she'd just go the fuck away. I hope that fight for her bed was worth $100,000 to her, since with that little tantrum, she just pissed away any chance she'd win this season.
The bedroom isn't the only center of drama at the moment. Melrose is trying to set up some house rules involving doing the dishes in the kitchen, and the other girls don't appreciate her acting like their mommy. Of course, she's not really demanding anything outlandish, and the kitchen almost immediately becomes completely encrusted with grimy-ass dishes, so maybe Melrose has a more valid point than the show would like us to believe. But I'm sure that'll be the last time this hour that Melrose is made out to be bitchier than she really is. The dishes aren't the only mess these girls have made. The bathtub has a disgusting ring, and there are about three overflowing trashcans. They've been there two days! I don't think Motley Crue could trash a place this fast. The next day, Melrose calls another house meeting, this time to discuss when people are going to take their showers. She asks if they all can try to keep them short out of respect for everyone else. Oh my God, what a snatch! I'll give you one guess who has problems with the whole respect-for-others idea. Yes, once again, Monique loudly refuses to do anything that would cause even partial inconvenience. But I shouldn't be too hard on her. She does, after all, "deserve" a longer shower than everyone else.
Tyra Mail! This season's mail doesn't come in plain old envelopes. No, the Tyra Mail is too swank for that now, so it's inserted into a fake glossy magazine. Oh, Tyra. You're so classy. The Tyra Mail reads "People think models are stupid, anorexic, drug-addled bitches. Are YOU?" The fact that the editors don't immediately cut to a shot of Monique is dropping this episode's grade by a half-letter. The girls discuss the mail, but have no idea what it could mean. A voice I can't quite identify self-righteously denies being anorexic. She doesn't refute the "stupid, drug-addled bitches" part.
The Monster Escalade drops the girls at their photo shoot. Tyra comes out and pretends to be a screaming diva, calling the girls bitches no less than five times. It'd be funnier if it didn't go on and on and on and on and on. And on. After she finally wraps up her tantrum, OJ emerges and tells the girls that Tyra really isn't like that at all; she was just embodying the stereotypes that people assign to models. Heh. Nice how Tyra can't even let people see her being an obviously fake jerk without having one of her minions come out to justify it. OJ tells the girls that this photo shoot will be the most controversial one in ANTM history, but we're forced to spend the commercial break on the edge of our seats, wondering what it could be. When we return, OJ reveals that the girls will be made up to look like different model stereotypes. Oh, sweet Jesus! How controversial! Someone fetch my smelling salts! He gives each of them their specific stereotype, and tells Melrose that her prize for winning the earlier challenge is that she gets to be a diva-for-a-day, which seems to entail a quick massage and having a personal assistant for ten minutes.
The girls go into hair and makeup, and we begin the shoot. Monique's stereotype is that she's throwing her cell phone at her assistant. Hahahahaha! That is the closest Tyra's ever come to openly insulting another professional model. Take that, Naomi! Monique sucks. She alternates between giving the exact same boring model pose, and scowling at the camera like it just stole her parking space at K-Mart. The woman who wordlessly plays her cowering assistant looks way better. Caridee's stereotype is the dumb blonde, which she plays to the hilt. Not that she's good at it because she's actually a dumb blonde or anything. Heaven forfend. Speaking of playing to type, Megg's stereotype is a strung-out, drunken drug addict. She always looks like that! Eugena's stereotype is a black model that the industry wants to portray as white. That's a stereotype? Whatever. She does quite a good job. Megan's is the diva-with-a-lapdog. Yeah, that's just a stereotype. That never really happens! And the lapdog's name is Tyra Banks, because it's been nearly four minutes since we've seen or heard anything about her, and we can't have that. Megan does a great job. Anchal is the "narcissistic model", and now there's curiously no mention of Tyra at all. Anchal seems to do fine, but is still a little shaky in her confidence.
Christian is the "model turned actress". She gives the exact same pose twenty times in a row. Zzzzz. Brooke is the "backstabbing bitch". I love that her photo is her pulling another girl's hair and pretending to shove her down the stairs. She has fun playing Mean Girl. AJ is on the "casting couch". She looks awesome, especially considering she has to spend the shoot straddling a somewhat slimy-looking guy. Jaeda is the model who "gets a lot of plastic surgery". Too bad they can't really do a little work on her, because her fug is like whoa. She just lays there like a corpse the whole time. Michelle is the "bulimic model", while her sister Amanda is the "anorexic model". I guess this is supposed to be the controversial part. Looks to me like they're simultaneously shunning and glorifying eating disorders, but I don't really take this show very seriously, so I'm not going to write my congressman or anything. Both Michelle and Amanda do excellent jobs.
And finally, Melrose. After having a personal assistant (of whom she asked for a cup of hot water, and that's about it) and a massage, Melrose is called to the set. But her stereotype of "diva who won't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day" has apparently gripped her brain, because she's not there. What sort of shocking, prissy, Lindsay Lohanesque behavior is she indulging in? She's having her makeup retouched, because it got smudged during her massage. OH. MY. GOD. What a fucking bitch. When she makes it to the set all of ten minutes late, OJ asks what the holdup was. She tells him, and he interprets her perfectly reasonable excuse as a snotty attitude. Funny, when OJ himself is about the snottiest snot that ever snotted a snot. She tries to put on a haughty face in her photo, which OJ calls "bad acting" after every single shot. I hate OJ so, so much. Having sufficiently beaten Melrose down, he ends the shoot, and she flees to cry in the bathroom. I officially apologize for calling her a bitch in the first half of the episode. I try not to be taken in too much by editing, but it seems we've got another case of Cassandra (that is, the editors trying to create a bitch where none exists) on our hands. Watch, now that I've said that, she'll punch Megan in the nose next week.
Back at the model pad, new Tyra Mail awaits. Time to eliminate someone! Melrose says she's been "humbled" by the photo shoot experience, but what she should really be humbled by is the stupid, pink, Punky Brewster lookin' hat she's wearing. The girls walk into a new Chamber of Doom. It is way too bright, and the alternating blue and silver panels make it look like the bridge of the Enterprise. After showing it off, Tyra outlines the grand prizes. A contract with Elite models (which Tyra brags about by saying she was with them for a long time -- a couple of years). A cover and six-page spread in Seventeen magazine (which Tyra brags is the first magazine she ever posed for. She also slips in a "When I was 15 in eleventh grade..." hoping we'll be impressed by how smart she is). And finally, a contract with Cover Girl cosmetics worth $100,000. Curiously, Tyra doesn't insert some bragging comment here. Maybe she needs to catch her breath. No surprise judges this season, as Nigel, Miss J, and Twiggy are all present and accounted for. Twiggy looks good! You'd never know she was dead.
Time for evaluations. The judges say Megan's photo is great, except when she tilts her head a certain way, her nose can look a bit piggy. They tell Monique she looks crazy in her shot, which is true. Caridee was good at being the dumb blonde, but struck very "modely" poses. I understand where the judges are coming from, but what else is she supposed to do? Pick her nose? Tyra tells Anchal that she's almost "too pretty". Her shot looks great, and I'm glad they made her take out those ridiculous blue contacts. Tyra asks Nigel to explain to Anchal that individuality can be beautiful, because he's part Indian as well. It's nice to see Anchal gain a bit of confidence in her natural beauty, but I'm warning Tyra and Nigel right now that I'm going to have limited sympathy for the confidence problems of good-looking people. Tyra rearranges Megg's outfit so she doesn't look so terrible at judging. Her shot makes her look too strung out. I can't imagine how the girl who desperately wants everyone to see how HARDCORE she is overreacted to this shoot. Amanda's anorexic shot is haunting, but her face is a bit anxious, which she attributes to having all the girls watching her photo session. Michelle's bulimic shot is scarily good. It's kind of disturbing.
The judges make Melrose take off her ugly blazer and put her hair in a ponytail. Miss J tells her that she photographs "old", and Tyra reads off all the complaints about her "attitude" that OJ had noted. Shut up, Tyra. And fire OJ. He's ugly, incompetent, a horrible shill, and a giant asshole. Melrose apologizes and says that it'll never happen again. Brooke's shot makes her look too angry, as if she forgot she's still supposed to look pretty. Don't you love how the girls who embraced their stereotypes don't look "modely" enough, while the girls who tried to be pretty are too "modely"? You'd almost think a boring girl is going to go home, instead of one who turned in a genuinely bad performance. Nah. I think Eugena looks wonderful, but Twiggy and Tyra find her shot bland. AJ, who seemed so vibrant up until now, is taciturn and nervous in front of the judges. They immediately pounce on it, so that they'll later be able to eliminate her for having no personality. Her shot is great, but her neck is hidden, which makes her look slouchy. She tries to blame the fact that she has a high collar, but Tyra insists on demonstrating good and bad neck poses. Tyra pulls Christian's hair up. Christian can't believe that the Great Tyra Banks is really touching her. The judges don't like her photo. It's really bland, and she didn't offer a variety of poses. Jaeda needs to "bring out her femininity". Bitches, please. Burt Reynolds is more feminine than Jaeda.
The girls are sent off. Deliberations. AJ needs confidence. Jaeda is a man, baby! Eugena is resting on her laurels, whatever that means. Amanda and Michelle really captured the mood of their photos. Megg's eyes are too narrowed in her shot. Anchal is great. Christian bores the shit out of Miss J and Twiggy and Limecrete. I may have added that last bit. Brooke is mediocre. Megan gives off a Kim vibe, but is more feminine. Caridee's stereotype was too easy. Well, you're the ones who gave it to her, freaks. Monique gets a lot of bullshit comments to ensure that they don't have to cut her yet, so she can keep on being a rancid bitch. Melrose flipped out, and looks old. She did not, in any way, shape, or form "flip out".
Elimination. Michelle is safe. Caridee. AJ. Megan. Anchal. Megg. Monique. Amanda. Jaeda. Eugena. Brooke. Would Melrose and Christian please step forward? Melrose threw a bunch of attitude, while Christian is boring. We all know what that means. Melrose gets her picture and collapses on the ground in tears of relief. Christian gets a hug from Tyra and the other girls, and is sent on her way. She has a refreshing exit interview, in which she doesn't pretend not to be crushed. She believes she wanted it more than any other girl in the house. That may be, but she's about as suited to modeling as I am. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Makeover meltdowns! It looks like Jaeda wins the freakout award, which is funny when you realize that she needs the most work. The other girls are finally fed up with Monique, and give the bitch some of her own medicine.
Overall Grade: B
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