The Girls Who Go To Texas

America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 3

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Makeover drama. Most of which came from the always irritating OJ. Melrose and Monique hated each other. I guess the show would like us to pretend that everyone else in the house thinks Monique is a big, fluffy kitty. Megan refused to burst into tears at the drop of a moving wig, and she was sent home. Eleven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Model pad. The girls have set up a mattress-surfing contraption on the stairs, and have all sorts of fun sliding down. I'm sure it's a little different from the mattress-surfing they usually do. Ba-zing! Jaeda misses her hair, but vows not to screw up the opportunity she has by continuing to freak out over it. Progress! AJ and Melrose agree that either Monique or Eugena should have gone home last week, because of their terrible attitudes. Welcome to "reality" television, ladies, where terrible attitudes are the inside track to making it to the final four. Melrose interviews that Monique has lashed out at everyone there. Well, not everyone, because she knows that Michelle could kick her ass five ways from Sunday, despite weighing forty-five pounds.

The girls climb into the Monster Escalade, and get some Tyra Mail about "watching their step" and being "on the line". Someone concludes from this that they're going bungee-jumping. No, but I can't wait for the inevitable day when that's the photo shoot. Melrose says she always tries to figure out what the Tyra Mail means, because "nothing that [they] do there is pointless." Hahahahahaha! Good one, Melrose. The girls walk into, like, someone's backyard, and find Miss J rigged up to a tightrope. Sort of. There are straps to hold onto to make sure you don't fall. Brooke interviews that Miss J is a royal mess. Hehehe. He walks across (in a black tutu, of course), then tells the girls that they'll be learning about balance and posture this week. All the girls walk the rope, and it's really boring. Insert more Monique hates Melrose hates Monique hates Melrose blah blah blah.

More Tyra Mail awaits the girls back at the model pad. It tells them that tomorrow, they'll "rock their own line". Melrose gets onto the phone with her mom, and Monique comes in, saying she called first dibs on it or whatever. It's funny that after the shit she pulled last week, Monique expects her sworn enemy to be like "Really? Oh, I'm so sorry! Here, take it!" Melrose, of course, won't give it up, though she's a lot more polite about it than she could have been. Monique just keeps on blathering, and Melrose says "this is the girl I was talking about" into the phone. Hehehe. I bet that killed Monique. I wonder if I would like Melrose half as much if Monique weren't around. The enemy of my enemy and all that. Melrose shuts the door to the phone room, physically pushing Monique out. Brooke sees which way the wind is blowing and basically begs them not to stir all that shit up again. Brooke's a sweetie. Monique walks away, more because she's a big puss than because she's ceding the point. When Melrose exits the phone room, Monique is lying in wait, and intentionally bumps her shoulder as she walks by. Melrose laughs, because Monique is about as intimidating as a Strawberry Shortcake coloring book. Monique complains to the only two people who will listen about what a bitch Melrose is: her mom and Eugena. I don't just mean the two people she currently has access to. Those are literally the only two people in the world who wouldn't be all "Fuck off". Eugena interviews that Monique gets stressed out too easily, and that this competition may be too much for her. No kidding. I doubt Monique could get through a game of Chinese Checkers without throwing a tantrum.

To "get back" at Melrose over the whole phone thing, Monique tells Eugena she's going to rub her stank underwear all over Melrose's bed. Shot of Melrose going to bed. Um...with a towel still wrapped around her wet hair. Do women actually do that? Anyway, Monique follows through on this threat by...lightly swabbing a tiny area of the comforter. So she not only doesn't have the balls to confront Melrose, but she can't even touch an area of the bed that Melrose will come into contact with. Yeah, you're scary. Melrose wakes up for about two seconds, but basically doesn't care. Jaeda is far more grossed out. The girls worry that Monique will come in the night and do stupid crap like pour lemonade on them. It's a distinct possibility. Commercials.

When we return, Monique is bragging to Anchal, who's like "Fuck off". See? Anchal's basically tired of both of them. Melrose tells Michelle (or Amanda) that's she not scared, because she's had lots of girls attack her before. Is that really something to brag about? Brooke's just excited for the challenge.

Veruca (splayed out on the bed, breast feeding): "Put in there that I like Brooke."

The girls are dropped off at the challenge, where they meet Miss J and Bre (from season 5), who looks ridiculous. She's dyed her hair brick red, which makes her look like Ronald McDonald's love child. There's a straight line marked on the ground (which is made of cobblestones), and the girls will have to put on gowns, high heels, and masquerade masks to walk it. Michelle interviews that the masks limit their sight severely, so the girls will be essentially blind as they do their high-heeled walk on cobblestones. Yeeks. Most of the girls stumble quite a bit, and I cringe in sympathy pain. Walking on uneven pavement is how I sprained my ankle, and I can see that happening here all too easily. AJ has no problems whatsoever, interviewing that she just naturally tends to walk in a straight line. Monique and Brooke do good jobs as well. Miss J gathers the girls, and says that the winner will be flown to Austin, Texas to do a fashion show that raises money for some Dennis-Quaid-endorsed charity. Hey, as long as it's not Randy Quaid, I'm happy. Brooke gets all excited, because she's from Texas, and would love to go home. Not that she'll get to see anything or anyone that she knows, but her excitement is rather cute. AJ is declared the winner, and gets to pick two girls to go with her. Brooke practically begs, and AJ kind of bitchily chooses Megg (who thinks this'll be rock and roll, because she's HARDCORE) and CariDee instead. Not that she owes it to Brooke or anything, but still. Throw the girl a bone. Brooke gets misty as she interviews that she really wanted to go. Aw.

Back at the model pad, Monique tells us that she started to feel really ill. Yeah, that'll happen when you have fire ants where your soul should be. Melrose thinks her "negative energy" is "breeding on itself". The next morning, AJ, Megg, and CariDee get on their plane for Texas. I will say that going to model in a fashion show put on by an actual celebrity is a way better challenge prize than these girls usually get. Once they get there, they meet up with a bunch of other models who will be walking in the show. Cycle 4's Rebecca (also known as Splat!), Coryn from Cycle 5 (who has finally introduced her eyebrows to some tweezers, thank God), April from Cycle 2, Fucking Shannon from Cycle 1, Mercedes from Cycle 2, Brittany from Cycle 4, and Camille from Cycle 2. Camille tells our current girls that she's in a new country every month. Yeah, maybe if she's a flight attendant now. Dennis Quaid comes out to meet them, and they pretty much melt. Hehe. The fashion show starts. Megg sucks, of course, though she calls the experience rock n' roll, because she's so HARDCORE. Fucking Shannon is still slack-jawed lo these many years later. Also, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that CariDee sniffs her palm backstage, like she just farted on it or something. She does a ridiculously spazzy turn on the runway. CariDee is one of those girls I don't like, but I feel bad for not liking. She seems like a nice enough sort, but she's so exhaustingly incompetent.

Back at the model pad, the other girls discover some Tyra Mail that reads "Time to walk the plank", and someone says that they'll be dressed up as pirates. Heh. No, but I'm sure that'll pop up in a season or two. Brooke goes in to check on Monique and ask her if she can get her anything. Aw. Brooke is certainly nicer than I would be to her. Brooke and Eugena interview that Monique looks like death, and she's going to go to the hospital. She does indeed get driven there, and wanders into the hospital, the emergency entrance of which looking like it's under massive construction. Shouldn't the emergency entrance be, you know, ACCESSIBLE? Commercials.

When we return, Monique interviews how horrific the hospital was, but all we see is her coming straight back home, and hearing that she's dehydrated and needs to get some fluids into her system. OK. I'm sure being dehydrated is no fun, but it's not like she's got heartworm or something. She still looks like hell in the morning, but drags herself to the Monster Escalade anyway. AJ, Megg, and CariDee come back, and head straight for the photo shoot. OJ meets all the girls at the shoot, and introduces them to two designers, whose work they'll be wearing. One of the designers tells them that the clothes are fragile, so they can't move around a lot. Too bad, Megg. I'm sure you wanted to do some headbanging, being so HARDCORE and all. Hair and makeup. Monique gives up having the strength to do the shoot, turns around, and gets driven right back to the model pad. Michelle holds no quarter with that, remembering that Danielle (in cycle 6) had an IV at one point, and made it to the shoot where she had to ride an elephant. I'll also mention that Joanie had her teeth yanked out and made it to the shoot, and let's not forget the whole food poisoning thing.

OJ tells the girls they're beginning to look like real models, and takes them to look at the runway. It's a series of boards suspended over a swimming pool. Megg pumps her arms in the air a lot. Know why? She's so HARDCORE! I knew you'd get it. OJ pretends that shows like this are not unrealistic. Um...yes, they are. And if he'd told the girls that big fat lie, I wouldn't care, but he's telling us, so allow me to tell him to shut the fuck up yet again. The girls get dressed. The dresses are ugly. The show starts. Hey, there's even a little audience to watch. The thing about these planks that comprise the runway is that they're not connected. Different sections of it tilt when you step on them, so it's really difficult to keep your balance. The girls are walking in high heels, so really anyone managing to stay upright is deserving of some serious respect, here. Brooke goes first. She's got the unfortunate distinction of being totally pretty in real life and in interviews, but looking kind of fug in her photos. She manages to get out and back without falling. Yay! Jaeda makes it as well, and I have to admit that she did a really good job this week overall. So...yay! Anchal stumbles quite a bit, but makes it. Yay! CariDee's left boob is hanging entirely out. One of the designers admiringly calls her "so Paris". Well...EXACTLY. When did that become a good thing? She does more ridiculous spazzy arm pumps at the end of the runway. Megg walks really slowly, so as not to fall into the pool, but in doing so, looks really boring. AJ does great. Michelle stumbles a bit, but manages to strike a pose at the end of the runway. Amanda does fine. Eugena. Ah, Eugena. Eugena is the one girl that doesn't quite make it back. Her foot slides on the runway, and she goes down, racking her knee against the side as she slips partway into the pool. Ouch. Melrose has the toughest outfit to walk in. It's a really long, flowy skirt. And she does great. She wobbles a tiny bit, but never loses concentration. Even OJ is impressed. He's not through torturing them, so he makes them do a final walk with multiple girls on the runway at the same time. On wobbling, wet, narrow planks. Even the background music could best be described as "Check Out These Crazy Bitches".

Back at the model pad, Eugena tells Monique how difficult the shoot was. Some Tyra Mail announces the upcoming elimination. The girls hash out who they think may be going. Jaeda isn't sure, but suspects Eugena blew the hardest at the photo shoot. Other girls talk about how they would have done the shoot no matter how sick they were, as Monique sits outside in a floppy sun hat, reading the Bible. It cracks me up how holy she thinks she is. Maybe Mary and Joseph weren't allowed to stay at the inn because Mary pretended to pee on someone's bed. She doesn't know how she's going to explain herself to the judges. I can't work up even the tiniest iota of caring. Commercials.

Tellingly, there's no portrait of Tyra as we enter the Chamber of Doom this evening. Methinks the lady doth not want to fly headlong into a pool and ruin her wig. The guest judge this week is one of the clothing designers from the photo shoot. There's also a final challenge. The girls will have to balance a bowl of fruit on their heads, and walk up to the judges' table and back. Mostly everyone sucks. AJ does well, as she has done with all the tasks this week. Jaeda also. Well done! I have no idea where this soft spot for Jaeda has come from, yet here it is. Eugena and Monique are so-so. Brooke lets the fruit slide right off her head, then finishes her walk with a smile. Hee. Now, it's time for individual photo evaluations. Jaeda is up first. Tyra feels her body pose isn't strong, but Twiggy disagrees, saying that Jaeda really sold the outfit. I'm just impressed with the fact that she's posing for the camera, and doesn't look like "Am I about to fall into this water?" at all. Amanda's is fine. Michelle's walk was sloppy, but her photo is good. Megg is HARDCORE. CariDee is fun in her incompetence. Whatever, Tyra. Her photo is awful. Tyra loves it, but no. She's winking at the camera, and looks like a deluded mental patient who just woke up to find drool all over her straitjacket. She's entering Baby Jane territory. And keep in mind that this is her best shot. Bleh. Twiggy finds Monique vacant. The judges tell her people won't care in the real world that she's sick. They say that she'll be judged tonight on previous performances and overall potential. Melrose. The judges love her photo, saying that she pulled off looking pissed off and gorgeous simultaneously. For the second week in a row, the judges like Brooke's photo, whereas I think it's really pretty bad. But since I like Brooke, I don't mind. AJ did a fantastic job of looking like she's on solid ground. Anchal did poorly at the final challenge, and the judges think her photo is meh. Eugena sucks. Again. We see her bloodied knee. Ew. Twiggy finds all of her photos disappointing. The girls are dismissed.

Deliberations. Michelle is more impressive in photos than in person. Jaeda is the most improved. Amanda is fine. Anchal is unique. AJ rocked everything today. Megg sucks, but Tyra likes her. Brooke is a cutie pie. Melrose looks like a real model. Eugena's sparkle doesn't show. Nigel thinks she's a dead fish, and Miss J thinks even a dead fish shows more vitality. CariDee is giving "model". I think she's giving "suck". At least the guest judge recognizes that she's a spaz. Monique is pretty, but the judges feel like she doesn't want to be here. This leads into perhaps the funniest thing I've ever seen on the judging panel. Tyra and all the judges break into a full-on, Reverend Horton Heatish gospel song entitled "She Don't Wanna Be Here!" I can't even begin to do it justice, so here:



Elimination. AJ is cut. Just kidding! She's actually the first one declared safe. Jaeda. Brooke. Anchal. Michelle. Melrose. Megg. Amanda. CariDee. She spazzes, of course. Will Eugena and Monique please step forward? You both suck ass. But one of you sucks ass to a slightly lesser degree. And that person is...Eugena. Oh, thank God. Monique just turns around walks out without saying a word to anyone. Eat it, bitch. And her final interview? Allow me to paraphrase: "Wah wah wah I hate Melrose". She felt her whole time there was wasted, and NO KIDDING. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya, snatch. Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Girls shower together. Melrose is the house mommy again. Anchal overhears some gossip about herself, and weeps piteously. It's like the worst version of junior high in that place. Actually, my junior high was the worst, but I'll bet the model pad is a close second.

Overall Grade: B+