America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 6
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Jayla was a horrible example for Jehovah's Witnesses. She neglects to mention that she's a horrible example for the rest of humanity as well, but we'll get to that later. Fugly Lisa got on everyone's nerves, but Coryn was the only one with balls enough (probably literally) to confront her. And the token plus-sized model took her customary dive with the deserved, yet saddening elimination of Diane. Eight girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Bel Air. Nike's sad that her friend Diane was cut, so she feels like she shouldn't have any strong relationships in the house. She vows to be the quiet girl from now on. From now on? Have we heard her utter more than six words at a stretch? Meanwhile, Jayla interviews that she will do whatever it takes to win, "clawing her way to the top" if she has to. Oh, well then I'm sure completely unreasonable personal vendettas won't get in the way of that competitive spirit. Some of the girls lounge in the hot tub, and Fugly Lisa has the idea to put some bubbles into it. We get to relive the whole Fugly Lisa/Coryn smackdown of last week, which I'm not going to revisit forty times like the show does. Kim interviews that Fugly Lisa always needs to be the center of attention. Yep, I'd say so. Fugly Lisa rambles nonsensically about how much she loves bubbles. What's funny is that Kyle gives her a look like she's completely insane, but Kyle herself has a big ol' bubble foam hat on her head at the time, so she looks like kind of a loon herself. Heh. Bre interviews that Fugly Lisa goes through entire bottles of wine in about 45 minutes. Yowsa. More shots of nude girls covered in bubbles. My loins fail to stir. Jayla's also sick of Fugly Lisa, hoping that she'll be cannon fodder for this week's elimination.
Morning. OJ invades the model pad, and collects all the girls in the kitchen. There's a bunch of food set up, and Kim interviews that she thought there may be a cooking challenge. Is Kim unaware that this is a modeling competition? This is almost as dumb as when they thought their challenge would involve doing math. OJ says they'll have a special guest, whom he introduces by calling out for "Miss Thing" in such a way that makes me want to punch him with a set of brass knuckles. He tends to have that effect a lot. The special guest is Iman, whose name I know, but whose career I know very little about. She'll turn out to be so boring that I completely forgot to include her in the little blurblet about this episode. She is pretty, though. She explains that you need good skin to be a model, and that you can make homemade skin products out of common household foods, which is what they're there to do. OJ hands out recipe cards, and they get started. Kim and Jayla's products make it look like someone has thrown up on their faces. Nike looks like Violet Beauregarde. There's some more blather, and Bre gets caught eating some of her ingredients. She's so cute. The point of this entire scene is to introduce the later challenge, in which the girls will be spokesmodels for a honey-banana firming mask. Why they couldn't have just said so instead of this five minutes of filler is beyond me. OJ says that the girls will have to get several product points across during a mock interview. He passes the information out. So that's it for Iman. What a stunning cameo.
The Monster Humvee takes the girls to the challenge. They meet a man who introduces himself as comedian Chris Spencer. He's about as funny as melanoma. He tells them that they'll have a three-minute interview with him. Fugly Lisa interviews that there are 10 product points that they have to memorize, and she brags that she has them down cold. Jayla's up first. I think she does a fine job, but Chris interviews that she bored him to death. I wish. Coryn is legitimately boring, but it doesn't help that Chris is using her interview to tell more "jokes". Is it part of the challenge that he tries to distract them from the product points to see how they react? If so, fine. If not...what a fucking asshole. He also interrupts Bre, and Nike seriously cannot get a word in edgewise, which is bullshit. Kim has written the product points on her hand, but doesn't consider that cheating. Whatever helps you sleep at night, Kim. Nicole actually leapfrogs onto my good side by saying that the firming mask is made from bananas from Caracas. Chris asks her where Caracas is in an attempt to trap her. Nicole responds with "I don't exactly know, but I heard they've got really good bananas." Hahahahahaha. Nicole hasn't been objectionable since episode 1, so I think I'll take her off THE LIST. Kyle, who's always so quiet and unassuming in the house, turns out to be quite a ham, and she does a fantastic job outlining the product points, and doesn't allow Chris to lead her off topic. I love Kyle. Fugly Lisa, who you'll remember said she had the product points down cold, completely blows her interview. She sounds very confident, but basically gets all of her facts wrong, and wastes about half her interview doing a little dance. Yeah, I don't know.
Chris proves he's not a complete waste of oxygen by deservedly judging Kyle the winner. She gets to choose one other girl to share in the reward. She mixes it up by choosing Nicole. See? Kyle is a patient listener, doesn't openly badmouth people even when they deserve it, Lisa, and tries to spread her good fortune around. She's my official favorite. Sorry, Bre. The reward is that they get to do some host segments for a VH1 show about supermodels. They're excited. Jayla nastily says that Kyle winning two challenges in a row isn't fair. It'd be different if she were kidding, but it seems fairly clear that she's not. Fugly Lisa, already upset because she didn't win the challenge (er...was she expecting to?), takes an offhand remark from Coryn about her dancing as an open insult, and the fight is on again. Fugly Lisa tells Coryn that she needs to stop hating on people. Coryn has no problem with anyone but Lisa, but I'm sure it brings Fugly Lisa comfort to imagine that other souls are suffering the burden of Coryn's hate along with her. It's more of the same fighting, except that Fugly Lisa says that Coryn's the only one who dislikes her, and Coryn correctly replies that she's the only one who's openly stated as much. Yeah, I think we've seen enough interviews featuring Kim's open contempt of Fugly Lisa to know that Coryn's not exactly alone in her feelings. Oh, and Fugly Lisa tells Coryn that she's "presenting herself like a moron" (whatever that means) and Coryn responds that Lisa's an alcoholic bitch. The other girls sit around in uncomfortable silence.
Commercials. Shut up, Kirsten Dunst.
And...we're back. And we get to see the "alcoholic bitch" comment again, but it doesn't lead into more fighting or anything. The next shot is just the girls getting back into the Monster Humvee. Fugly Lisa finally catches the snap, and figures out that maybe these girls aren't her best friends ever. Ya think, Lisa? Nike interviews that she doesn't like it when people fight or when there's drama, so she tends to withdraw when that happens. I do the same thing. You just try to make yourself completely invisible so that people don't try to enlist you in either side.
Back at the pad, Jayla and Nicole are out by the pool, and Jayla is trashing Fugly Lisa. She's absolutely correct on substance, but the way she's saying it makes her sound like the bitchiest bitch that ever bitched a bitch. Not only that, but she's complaining that Fugly Lisa doesn't get that everyone hates her; not just Coryn. Well, nobody but Coryn's ever confronted her and Fugly Lisa's kind of delusional, so why wouldn't she think that? I mean, I could understand this confusion on Jayla's part if Fugly Lisa had been fighting with everyone, but she hasn't. Nicole tries to stay out of it, only remarking that Fugly Lisa thinks she knows it all, but not attacking her personally or anything. Jayla snots that the pad is like high school. Yeah, it's not like Jayla herself would ever perpetuate a bunch of immature bullshit.
The next day, it's time for Kyle and Nicole's reward, which is being shot in the model pad. The director shows up and introduces himself. They get started. Fugly Lisa interviews that if she would have won the challenge, she would have done better at the hosting segments. This is the delusional Fugly Lisa we're all familiar with, because she doesn't even consider that the reason she's not hosting the VH1 show is that she did such a crappy job at the challenge that called for her to speak well. She whines that if she had won, she would "talk very sophisticated" (like...nice start), and that she'd give her opinions (and I'm sure the director would have been thrilled with her deviating from the script). It's like she's stuck on a Mobius strip of stupidity. Not only that, but she's bitching about it so loudly that the director has to come in and tell her to keep it down so they can shoot the damn thing. He asks her to be quiet for thirty seconds. She manages about three. She rolls her eyes and talks about how disgusted she is. Yeah, she's the picture of professional behavior.
Which is our segue into the Fugly Lisa is A Big Ol' Booze Hag segment! Won't that be fun? Kyle thinks Fugly Lisa's drinking may be a big problem for her. Nicole thinks so too, calling her behavior "bizarre". We follow this with a shot of Fugly Lisa belching loudly. Nice. She bumbles around, knocking over glasses. The other girls laugh at her. She sulkily retires to a beach chair, interviewing about how betrayed she feels, and then starts talking out loud to a nearby plant that she has named "cousin 'it'" (and learn to spell, show - it's Cousin Itt), saying that she and the plant are like the same. Hmm. You remember in Cycle One how the show tried to make us believe that Elyse had an eating disorder and how I didn't buy it, because it was just a bunch of hearsay from the other girls? This I buy. It's not just the other girls branding Fugly Lisa an alcoholic because they dislike her. She's clearly smashed in a lot of scenes, and that probably goes to the heart of why she's so unlikeable. Drunk people are funny for a little while, as a source of amusement, but they are no fun to hang out with for extended periods of time. The other girls continue talking about her drinking as she passes out on the porch chair. Bre goes out to check on her and bring her in. What's weird is that it looks like Coryn goes with her. Huh? As Fugly Lisa cries to her boyfriend on the phone, Bre interviews that Fugly Lisa appears to be a confident person, but that the constant arguing and criticism is eating away at her, as it is for all of them. She wants to help her, but doesn't know how. I think Bre is exactly right, and it's sweet that she's showing such concern for a girl she probably doesn't like very much.
Commercials. We already get a commercial for Everybody Hates Chris in every single ad break. Is it really necessary to have more than one in a two minute span? You want me to watch the show. I GET IT.
Morning. Tyra shows up at the model pad. Kyle's embarrassed to still be in rollers. Heh. Tyra gathers the girls and asks them about their vices. Bre says she relies on sleep a lot. I hear that. Tyra asks about smokers in the group, and says that 98% of models smoke or have smoked. Short PSA about how smoking is bad. Tyra says her own vice is fatty foods. I'm sure we all believe that. Of course, the entire reason Tyra showed up like this is to provoke Fugly Lisa into admitting she drinks. She does admit it, but downplays it, saying that a glass of wine calms her down, which is a bit different from stumbling around talking to plants. She says she doesn't drink to get drunk, and Kyle interviews that she was kind of mad that she lied right to Tyra's face. I understand that and all, but it's not like Tyra doesn't see everything that goes on in the house. I think she's pretty wise to Fugly Lisa's game. Tyra leaves.
Tyra Mail. It tells them to be ready at 8 AM. Morning. The girls meet OJ at a soundstage, and he tells them (in another horrible overdub) that they'll be doing an ad for Secret deodorant today, which includes a commercial shoot, a photo shoot, and another mock interview. OJ introduces Bill (the commercial director) and Jason (the photo shoot director). He tells them to think of a little secret to reveal as part of the commercial. The girls go into hair and makeup. Nike practices a little out loud, saying that her secret is that she's scared of the dark and sleeps with a nightlight. Jayla overhears her. No problems so far. Meanwhile, Fugly Lisa is shooting her commercial. She actually does a really nice job. Her photo's good too, but she's too...well, she's too Lisa in her interview. You just want her to shut up so bad. Nicole and Bre are fine at the commercial. Kyle overacts a little too much, which I still find surprising. There's some footage of the photo shoot, and a bit of the girls' interviews. Nicole's secret is that she eats ice cream in bed, which Ryan the interviewer dismisses as G-rated. Yeah, it is kind of lame.
Coryn sucks at the commercial and interview. She just falls apart when called upon to be personable. Meanwhile, back in the dressing room, Nike and Jayla have discovered that they have the same secret. They're minutely different in that Jayla's is that she's afraid of the dark, and Nike's is that she's afraid of the dark and sleeps with a nightlight. There's still no problem here. If I were Nike, I'd just think of another stupid little secret, and even if she can't, OJ tells her that it's not a big deal that they have the same one. Jayla's up, and she tries her line that she's scared of the dark, but they want more takes, so she replaces it with Nike's line about the nightlight. Nike hears this and is upset. So yeah, on the one hand, Jayla did kind of steal it, which is bitchy, but it's not that big a deal. 1) Nike had plenty of time to pick an entirely different secret. 2) OJ already said that it's not a big deal if they have the same secret. 3) Jayla used the nightlight line, but not that she's scared of the dark, so why doesn't Nike just use that? Instead, the combined stress of having her line stolen and being kind of nervous causes Nike to just unravel. She's pretty bad at the commercial, photo shoot, and interview. She says that she's been sucking all day. Again, it's understandable that she be mad about the line stealing, but she's blowing it out of proportion.
OK. Having said that, let's go into the portion of the evening wherein Jayla completely pisses away any chance that I'd defend her. Nike interviews that she did not say anything to Jayla about the line stealing, because she just figures that karma will take care of it. So she didn't yell at Jayla, didn't fight with her, didn't even say anything about the whole ordeal. That evening, Jayla is sitting out on the porch gossiping with Fugly Lisa. You know, the Fugly Lisa she can't stand and was gossiping about with Nicole earlier. Yeah, Jayla's stripes are starting to show. Not that she's into that high school drama or anything. She tells Fugly Lisa that she's sick of Nike giving her the cold shoulder. Fugly Lisa, delighted at not being the target for a change, pretends that she's sworn to secrecy or whatever, but clearly could not be happier in informing Jayla that Nike's not thrilled with the line stealing. Cut to the beginning of Jayla's confessional where she fumes that she's tired of stupid people. So am I, Jayla. Back on the porch, she flippantly remarks at how she's not going to be friends with certain people after the competition is over. I'm sure Nike burst into tears upon learning that. Back in the confessional, Jayla tries to become all threatening, talking about how something big's going to go down between her and Nike. Because Nike's such a confrontational type? Could someone please tell me how Nike (who responded to Jayla's theft simply by not being her BFF) should be on the business end of an ass-kicking? Jayla's acting like Nike was all up in her face with a broken bottle or something. Plus, Jayla? You're about as intimidating as a Keebler Elf, but nice try.
Commercials. So this lady wants her teeth to be whiter so her lipstick can appear to be an even more whorish shade of red. Got it.
Elimination looms. Coryn's nervous. Nike's nervous. Now instead of aiming for threatening and missing, Jayla is aiming for sarcastically funny. And missing. Seriously, she's seething with hate over Nike not baking her a friendship cake or something. At this point, Fugly Lisa could take lessons in How To Be Completely and Undeservedly Impressed With Yourself from Jayla. It's really disturbing. We enter the Chamber of Doom, and Fugly Lisa is wearing the weirdest outfit ever. Did she steal that flapper headband from the set of Xanadu? The guest judge tonight is Bill, the commercial director. Let's get to the evaluations.
Nicole. The judges like her commercial more than I do, but take her to task for too many "uh", "um" and "like" in the interview. Her photo's great. Tyra says that whoever has the strongest picture will have that picture run in People as an actual ad for Secret. Jayla. They say she's a bit too model-like in the commercial, but knocks the picture and interview out of the park. Coryn. Bill and Nigel call her on her sense of sadness, which seems to permeate everything she does. Can't argue with that. Her picture's nice, though. Kyle. The judges remark on her overacting in the commercial, but love her interview. I like her picture, but they don't think it's strong enough. Bre. Again, the judges don't think the picture is as good as I do, but love her interview and commercial. Kim. She's too slouchy in the commercial, which Nigel actually defends. Feh. Her interview is great, and she's taken what I consider to be her first good picture. Fugly Lisa. Nigel reads my mind and asks her what she was thinking when she got dressed. She says she feels playful (read: drunk). The judges love everything about the ad, and I do have to say she did a really good job. Nike. Her discomfort shows. She did OK at the photo shoot, and had a good interview, but her commercial sucks. She brings up that she felt hurt and betrayed, but doesn't go into detail. I don't want to defend Jayla, but pick one, Nike. Either get it all out or keep quiet. This "one of the other girls was a bitch to me and that's why I did poorly, but I'm not going to say which or how" bit is not going to fly.
Commercials. If you went by TV, you'd think that everyone who works in an office is a complete nutbar. Actually, that's not so far from the truth.
Deliberations. The usual bullshit. The only thing of note is that Nigel says that Fugly Lisa always leaves you wanting more (that's a good thing in this case). He follows this up with: "However, I also can't stand Lisa." Hahahaha. Oh, Nigel. Come over and we'll slag Fugly Lisa together. Then we'll do other things.
Elimination. Fugly Lisa is safe. Jayla. Kim. The next girl is the one with the best photo and shall have her face grace the pages of People. Nicole. She deserves it. And wow, what with this and the VH1 show, she's getting all sorts of exposure. Kyle is safe. Tyra makes fun of her overacting. Heh. Bre is safe. Will Nike and Coryn please step forward? Coryn is too sad. Nike was too stiff and uncomfortable. She can work on that, though, whereas Coryn's sadness is apparently intractable, so she's cut. The other girls come to hug Coryn; even Fugly Lisa. Aw. Coryn is actually relieved to be cut. It seems like she's going to give up on the whole modeling thing. "My life is going to change," she says on her way out. Well, if the rumors I've heard are true, the first thing to change will be her genitals.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: The girls have to contend with an Army-style obstacle course, which Nicole isn't too wild about. Kim is actually required to look like a woman.
Overall Grade: B
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