America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 6
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Michelle sort of came out. Janice Dickinson made the girls look foolish. Like they need the help. Melrose rocked the photo shoot, while AJ's "attitude" got her eliminated. I prefer to think it was because of the hat. Eight girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Model pad. Someone went grocery shopping, and the girls carp gently over what was purchased. Eugena is pretty much fed up with everyone else. She says that Jaeda's always whining about her hair, CariDee can't keep her clothes on, Anchal never stops complaining, and Melrose is a backstabbing ho. Despite being a firm Melrose fan now, I have no problems believing any of that. I wouldn't last a day in that house without going batshit. I'm impressed Eugena was able to last so long. Anchal is still self-conscious about her weight. I didn't notice it before, but the runway in the model pad is equipped with a camera and monitor, so the girls can actually watch themselves walking. Swanky. Night falls.
Morning. Brooke receives a package with a bunch of graduation-themed stuff in it. She's missing both graduation and prom to compete, which she's a little bummed about. Melrose wanders out into the backyard and "discovers" a bunch of photo equipment set up. She's met by Elyssa, who apparently produces all of the photo shoots. Elyssa's only there to introduce Tyra as the photographer, because without that introduction, Tyra wouldn't be able to make a grand entrance. We see some of the "work" that she's done as a photographer before she tells Melrose that she'll be shooting the girls today for an edgy black and white shot. She wants the girls to look angry and evil, but still exude sex appeal. To help with the evil part, the girls will be wearing some scary-ass contact lenses. Melrose is first, and has contacts that give her white irises. Brooke has the same ones. I guess we're supposed to think that the evil is being helped along by giving the girls really high bangs. I guess that works. The mall bangs the girls worked in junior high were pretty damn scary. Eugena's contacts are also white, but they're in a cat-eye shape. Cool! We never really get a closeup of Michelle.
Jaeda looks appropriately evil. She interviews that she doesn't like looking freaky; she'd rather be the pretty girl. There's a yearbook shot of her and a couple of sparkle-tooth "ding!" noises. Heh. Amanda's got the cat-eye, and starts off weak. When Tyra tells her to strike sharper poses, she does. Anchal's also got the silver cat-eye, and that color contrasting with her dark skin looks amazing. CariDee has the white iris effect. She enjoys being all scary, and does a great job. When she's done, she tells Tyra she's going to change back into Normal CariDee. I guess she doesn't realize that that's just as unsettling. Ba-zing!
That evening, the girls get some Tyra Mail that asks them if they're ready to flaunt their assets. I'm just glad it didn't say "flout" their assets, because learn the difference between those two words, America. CariDee gets all excited, hoping they'll be in lingerie. Why do I get the feeling that CariDee's bedpost has a lot of notch-marks in it? The next morning, the Monster Escalade drops the girls at a small theater. They're met by... Ick. It's that stylist (Sutan) that I dislike so much, I felt the need to comment on him before. I even suggested we see him look even more ridiculous, and let that be a lesson to be careful what we wish for. Here he is in drag, and yeah. Not an improvement. He says that the girls will be shown the fundamentals of being sexy, and introduces a "well-known" burlesque performer, Dita von Teese. She's very pretty, and does a little dance for the girls before sitting in a giant martini. No, really. Melrose tells Eugena that Dita is married to Marilyn Manson. Really? How does that guy keep scoring hot women? Rose McGowan could do so much better.
After getting dressed, she comes out and gives the girls a few tips on looking sexy without going over-the-top. She suggests using props, which leads us to a mini-challenge. The girls will need to strut their stuff across stage, using a prop. Sutan gives Anchal some unhelpful advice. She does her best with a sunflower, but is very uncomfortable. Michelle works a riding crop, interviewing that she's more used to being a tomboy. Melrose also has the riding crop, and struts around in a very stripper-like fashion, which Eugena gleefully points out to us. CariDee thinks Eugena doesn't have enough emotion, despite her gold pom-pons. Jaeda finds it difficult to act sexy with her short hair. She does fairly well with her pink boa. Amanda's got the sunflower. I think she kind of sucks, but Dita disagrees with me. The music ramps up for CariDee embarrassing strut. We're well beyond stripper and into streetwalker. Shocking. Brooke has a difficult time, but tries her best. Dita tells the girls to act with confidence and not second-guess themselves. Shot of Anchal, naturally.
Model pad. Jaeda is still going on about having long, luscious hair, and seriously. Enough with that now. Don't pull a Cassandra on us, Jaeda. Eugena interviews that she's tired of listening to Jaeda whine about her hair, and will be glad to see another girl go. She doesn't much care who. After the commercials, the girls get some Tyra Mail that mentions keeping their elbows off the table, but not their feet. CariDee must feel right at home. The Monster Escalade drops the girls at some house, where they meet Cathy Gould, the director of a modeling agency. With her is "supermodel" Kylie Bax. Not that I soak myself in the world of fashion or anything, but I've never heard of this woman. Let's not give her the "super" prefix just yet. Cathy introduces the upcoming challenge, which is so fucking stupid. Basically, the girls will walk up and down a dining room table, being "sexy" while people sit around watching them. Anchal is nervous again, because she doesn't have as toned a body as the other girls. Consider that theme understood, editors.
The challenge is really, really boring. The upshot is that Melrose does a great job, as usual, and Cathy feels that Anchal doesn't have a typical "runway body". I guess that's nicer than making a big MOOOOOOO sound. Melrose wins the challenge. The prize is an editorial spread in Seventeen. CariDee is pissed in her interview that Melrose wins so many challenges. Well, maybe you'd win if you didn't act like such a spazzy hooker all the time. Melrose gets to choose three friends to appear in the spread with her, and she picks Brooke, Michelle, and Amanda. There's a quick, badly-edited soundbite to make Eugena seem jealous of Melrose's win. Nice try, show. Melrose interviews that it's ironic that she's the oldest girl, but wins a spread in Seventeen. Melrose can correctly use the word ironic! I love her even more now. She and her chosen "friends" go to get their picture taken, and they're met by Atoosa Rubenstein. Fuck! Not that bitch again! Beau Quillian is present to help get the girls styled. Oof, someone's gone down in the world. At least he looks a little better now. The girls get photographed, and they all look quite nice.
That evening, at the model pad, Anchal whines about her lack of confidence, and blah blah I'll let you know if anything new pops up. CariDee tells her that once she starts eating better, she'll feel better. Anchal says that having CariDee talk to her and coach her helps her a lot. And if you watched this scene with a puzzled frown, because Melrose told her almost the exact same things and was branded a horrendous bitch for doing so, you're in good company. Commercials. When we return, CariDee reads a passage of Tyra Mail written in the melodramatic vein of a romance novel. I'm really distracted by the fact that a lot of the girls have huge bangs and weird high ponytails for no reason in this scene. Are they having a Debbie Gibson lookalike contest?
The next morning, the Monster Escalade drops the girls at a very nice estate. You'll can tell it's nice, because I used the word "estate" instead of "house". OJ springs out, plants his hands on his hips, and looks just as ugly and ridiculous as ever. He tells the girls to try and find the right side of the sexy/sleazy line, and lets them know that the photo shoot today will be recreations of romance novel covers. They show Melrose being excited at the news, but I'm more drawn by Jaeda's extremely sour face in the background. Each of the girls has a separate story to portray, which we'll get to when they're photographed. OJ introduces the photographer, Randee St. Nicholas. Nice name. What, Titty McGee was already taken? The girls get some makeup done before coming out to meet their costar. Why, it's Fabio! I guess his pressing schedule of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter commercials eased up a little bit. The girls are excited to meet him, Eugena saying how well she remembers his covers when she was a little girl. Heh, seriously. How old is he now? OK, I was curious enough to look it up. He's forty-seven, and looks damn fine for it. I'd like to know what he does as far as skin care.
CariDee is up first. She's portraying a peasant girl in love with a rich man. She actually reigns in the spazzy hooker routine, and looks very good. Fabio and OJ are impressed. Amanda is leaving Fabio for another woman. Er, I don't remember romance novels being heavy on the lesbian love, but whatever. Amanda is confused about how to convey this. Jeez, no kidding. Consequently, she doesn't do very well. She and Michelle talk with Fabio about how they like their own space, and are two very separate people. They ask if he ever wanted to be a twin, and he's all "Sure, why not?". Yeah, having an identical twin would be fun. Michelle's scenario is that she has a secret love child with Fabio. She says that lying in bed with a man and fake baby is very "different" for her. Well, I'd sure hope so. She's fairly uncomfortable during the shoot. Anchal is an Egyptian queen, and looks fucking awesome. There's just no other way to put it. Fabio is thrilled with her.
Eugena's scenario is getting caught with her secret lover. She's meh, as always. Jaeda plays a girl who falls in love with a vampire and gets bitten. Whoever styled her hair knows what he or she is doing, because she looks fantastic. She does several poses where she hangs limply, which makes sense given her story. When OJ suggests that she can do more active posing and grabbing, she jumps right in and does so. Brooke is next. She plays a woman desperately holding on to her man, who's leaving her. She clings to Fabio's leg and looks cartoonishly anguished. There's a lot of folderol about her growing up and finding herself as a person, and blah blah blah. Finally, there's Melrose, who plays a madam in a brothel. She does a fantastic job, of course. I know that there's no way in hell Melrose is going to win the season, because she's been given too much of the Bitch Edit (of course, I said the same thing about Jeffrey), but I'm pulling for her at this point.
Evening. Tyra Mail. Someone's gettin' eliminated. Brooke interviews that her high school graduation is during the panel judging tomorrow, and if she gets eliminated on the evening that she's supposed to be walking across stage to accept her diploma, that's going to suck. Indeed. Anchal worries that the guest judge is going to be Cathy, who thinks Anchal is a fatass. After commercials, we enter the Chamber of Doom on a picture of Tyra as a romance cover model. By herself, of course. And variations of the word "Tyra" and the word "Banks" appear three times. I'd ask to see the cover featuring Tyra's ego, but it'd be bigger than the AIDS quilt. And good God, check out her wig for panel. I don't even know how to describe it. It's voluminous and curly and juts out to one side. Combined with the fact that she appears to be kind of pissed off, she looks like she's about to shove Gretel in the oven. Prizes are recapped. Judges are introduced. Unfortunately for Anchal, her fear that Cathy would be the guest judge has come to pass. Boring! It should have been Fabio, or at least Dita. No final challenge this week, and we get right to the individual evaluations.
Up first is Anchal. Her black and white "scary" shot is terrific. The judges love it, but Tyra warns her to not let the makeup do all the work. It is true that the white contacts really contribute to the fact that the shot is so good. Not that that's Anchal's fault. Her romance cover shot is equally good. She is on fire this week. What was up with the forty bazillion segments about her body and confidence issues if she's going to do this well? Cathy likes the romance shot. Tyra warns Anchal not to back her butt up in a hoochie type of way. I confess that I'd have the same problem if asked to do that pose. Up next is Amanda. Her B&W shot isn't good. The judges disagree with me. Tyra brings up the fact that Amanda responded to direction well, which you'll want to remember. Her romance novel shot actually doesn't get a lot of comment, possibly because it's kind of dull, but the judges don't want to admit it. CariDee did a very nice job in the B&W, and Tyra loves how much she committed to the scary posing. Twiggy says that her romance novel shot shows a soft side previously unseen. I'd agree with that. In fact, the only criticism of CariDee that they can come up with is that she's wearing too much makeup to judging.
Brooke. They call her B&W shot "interesting". Ooh, that's not good news. Tyra says that there are two sides to Brooke: the newscaster girl and the photo shoot Brooke. Apparently, the photo shoot Brooke is good. I don't know, Tyra's babbling again. The judges like the longshot of her romance novel shot, but say that she has no expression in her eyes in the closeup. Twiggy likes Brooke's frown in the photo, but that's about the only good thing they say. Michelle. Her B&W features her sticking her tongue out to the side. It looks pretty good, and Tyra gives her credit for "stepping out of the box". Pardon me while I become totally juvenile for a moment. HAHAHAHAHA! OK, I'm done. Her romance novel shot isn't as good, since she's visibly uncomfortable. Michelle says it might be due to the fact that she's never laid in bed with another person. Tyra pounces upon this as a weak excuse that Michelle is trying to use to disavow responsibility for a bad shot. Jump to conclusions much, Tyra? She's offering a possible explanation for why she didn't do as well this week! It's perfectly reasonable! I think some chemicals in that shitty wig are soaking through to Tyra's brain.
Eugena. Tyra tells her she looks good with straight hair. She does. Her B&W shot is very good. The judges ask her how she was feeling when the picture was taken, and she cautiously opines that she was angry. Something about the way she phrases her answer sets the judges off again, and they tell her that she comes across as unlikeable. It progresses to the point where they directly order her to have manners and charm. Did the judges have some bad shrimp with dinner? Calm the fuck down, assholes! The judges tell her she has dead eyes again in her romance novel shot. Yeah, it's true.
Melrose. I think her B&W shot is gangly. Tyra thinks that she tried to come across as too glamorous. Her romance novel shot gets better reviews. Nigel calls it the best shot of the bunch. Tyra says that acting sexy comes easily to Melrose, but she needs to work on some other stuff. Even though being sexy was supposed to be the entire point of this episode, but there's no stopping the Avalanche of Bitch Tyra's got going right now. Jaeda. Her B&W is, and I hate the overuse of this word, but it's true -- FIERCE. The judges want her to be more enthusiastic at judging, so they'll probably cut her for losing her "spark" at some point, like they did to Toccara. Her romance novel cover is one of the ones towards the beginning, where she was trying to act like the undead woman she is presumably becoming. She looks pretty good. The judges say she looks uncomfortable and out of character. Of course, the fact that she responded well to OJ's direction (just as Amanda responded to Tyra's) is never brought up, and the later shots where she was clearly NOT uncomfortable aren't shown or mentioned, because the judges have a hard-on for beating up on Jaeda. Whatever. Fuck off, judges.
The girls are dismissed. Commercials. Deliberations. Twiggy likes Brooke, but Nigel and Cathy agree that she gives off too much of a pageant vibe. Anchal is exotic and sexy, but is "too pretty", whatever that means. Amanda has reached her "defining moment", which I don't take from these bland-ass pictures at all. The usual bullshit about Jaeda. CariDee is great, but is too eager. Eugena's attitude stinks. Melrose is uncomfortable being "freaky". Or something. Michelle didn't have the best week, and of course Tyra has to bring up the whole "excuses" thing, which MICHELLE NEVER DID. GAH! SHUT THE FUCK UP, TYRA. Elimination. Amanda is safe. CariDee. Anchal. Melrose. Jaeda. Well, good. Michelle is safe. Would you like to place bets on whether or not Tyra brings up the "excuses" thing again? You wouldn't? I don't blame you. Would Brooke and Eugena please step forward? Now, this is odd. Because after all the stupid crap these judges have been spewing for the past five minutes, this is actually the correct bottom two, in my opinion. Uncanny.
Brooke has a great personality, but doesn't have much model potential. Eugena has obvious potential, but has no respect or humility. At this point, I'm entirely convinced that Eugena is on her way out, so I'm shocked to see her get her photo. Wow. She gives Brooke a hug. Brooke starts to cry as she walks over to hug the other girls, and bemoans that fact that she's missing her high school graduation to get eliminated. A fair enough thing to bemoan. Tyra, still in her ungracious bitch mode, cannot let this pass unchallenged. Brooke wails piteously, and begins to walk out while expressing love for her fellow contestants. Tyra interrupts to harangue her for having the nerve to be upset at getting eliminated on the eve of her graduation, snotting that a lot of girls would be happy to be in Brooke's place right now. Really? I'm not sure I'd agree that there are many people who would like to be on the business end of a bullshit lecture delivered by a megalomaniacal cunt. Brooke has the good grace to agree and hug Tyra, rather than spitting in her face, which is what I wish she would have done.
Brooke's final interview talks about how she didn't see this elimination coming at all. Yeah, I'm with her on that one. Not that I disagree with her booting. We see her portfolio, and it's really weak. She says that she's given a lot up to be here, but that she wouldn't change anything, given the chance to do it over. She's a good egg. Back to the Future fadeout. Thankfully, this gives us a better view of Jaeda's impressive rack.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: A photo shoot involving attacking a racecar driver. Um, OK. Some Mission Impossible sort of wire work. Anchal and Melrose throw down again.
Overall Grade: C-
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Friday, October 27, 2006
Maybe Steven Segal Will See Me and Want Me to Be in One of His Movies
The Amazing Race - Season 10, Episode 6
Previously on The Amazing Race: Seven teams left Vietnam for the hustle and bustle of Chennai, India. Peter formed an "alliance" with KanDustin that lasted about forty-five seconds. Wrestling a crocodile was easy for Sarah. Wrestling Peter's ego? Not so much. Sarah and Peter managed to get first place, despite their bickering, which is kind of a light motif for this season. David and Mary came in last and were spared elimination, but have to come in first place tonight or they'll incur a thirty-minute penalty. Here's hoping that the fact that they have yet to finish above fifth isn't running through their minds right now. Seven teams still remain. Who will be eliminated next?
Opening credits. If that's really what the scenery around David and Mary's place looks like, I want to go visit them.
Chennai, India. Peter and Sarah are off first at 12:54 PM, though we don't hear the usual intro that they arrived at 12:54 AM. I wonder what that means. Anyway, their clue is different this week. It's an actual clue to an actual puzzle! That needs, like, solving and stuff! Hooray! There's a video device in the clue envelope, and a message from Phil tells them to fly to Kuwait City and find the pictured location. They'll have to buy airline tickets at a travel agency, fly 2400 miles to Kuwait, and get one of the provided cars at the airport. Peter's confident that they'll do well this leg. Snerk. He says he has to be careful of pushing Sarah too hard while she's got a blown-out knee. Someone got a tongue-lashing at the pitstop! And not the good kind. They grab a cab. KanDustin leaves the mat at 1:06 PM. They think other teams are jealous that a "couple of blonde girls" beat them to the mat. Right, because people wouldn't be unhappy at all if other teams beat them to the mat. I'm glad you're doing well, KanDustin. But you need to get over yourselves a little bit. They get a cab. Peter and Sarah arrive at a completely empty travel agency, and tell the agent there that they need help very quickly, because Sarah's leg is a medical emergency. Why they felt they had to be devious about getting help when there are literally no other customers around is beyond me. KanDustin uses their feminine wiles to charm an agent at a different agency. Both teams find tickets that get them into Kuwait at 7:50 AM. Dustin puts her palm up for a high five from the ticket agent, and he totally leaves her hanging. Hahahahaha! Peter and Sarah use the internet at the travel agency to identify their destination: Kuwait Towers.
RoKi leaves the mat at 1:42 PM. Rob says that he's a dramatic person who sometimes gets in trouble because he "speaks freely". Well, then I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I freely asked him to shave, because he's got some ew going on. They get a cab. Erwin and Godwin leave the mat at 1:53 PM. Godwin's wearing a shirt that reads "Will Flex For Food". Oh, Godwin. No. I don't even know where to begin talking about what's wrong with that shirt. They say they're going to stick with Alabama (Lyn/Karlyn), who are leaving the mat at 2:03 PM. They let us in on the fact that teams have $31 for this leg. The producers are still being stingy. Hooray! The two teams talk about their alliance with David and Mary, and that their goal is to be the last three teams standing. They head off to a travel agency. An agent at RoKi's travel agency is able to identify the Kuwait Towers.
Tyler and James leave the mat at 3:37 PM. Tyler says that coming in sixth place was a dagger in the side, and James adds that they can't "let up their guard" at any moment. I'm starting to see why Tyler does all the work. A monkey hangs out on top of a traffic light. Heh. The Underdogs are stuck in traffic, so Tyler and James get to a travel agency first. They also use the internet to identify the Kuwait Towers. Ticket-booking ensues. David and Mary are last to leave the mat at...oh, my God. 6:04 PM. Jeez, did they fill in those colored sections of the pattern at last week's Detour one grain at a time? Mary says that the possibility of the penalty is daunting, especially with the fierce competition they've got. She says that nobody's going to lay down and let them win. They've got to do it themselves. Foreshadowing! The Underdogs buy tickets. The lead teams arrive at the airport. David and Mary catch up to the rest of the Underdogs at the travel agency. Wait, what? Are you telling me it took Erwin/Godwin/Lyn/Karlyn more than four hours to ride from the pitstop to a travel agency? No way. The Underdogs have already set up David and Mary's tickets for them. Aw. Everyone goes to the airport, which Lyn does a sarcastic little cheer about. Heh.
Although Tyler and James got a slightly earlier flight out of Chennai, everyone meets on the same connection in Mumbai (Bombay). Once again, Tyler and James are frustrated and surprised to discover that the other teams didn't wander around lost for sixteen hours, fall into an open sewer, and accidentally book flights to Lansing, Michigan. You were in sixth place, dudes. Did you really think everyone ahead of you would get a worse flight? The plane takes off, and before you know it, we're in Kuwait City. Establishing shots which I'm obligated to tell you are nowhere near as pretty as the ones in Vietnam or China. Everyone jumps in their marked cars except the Underdogs, who are waiting for a local to get his luggage, and will then guide them to the towers. Hopefully, he won't ask to be dropped off at his brother's place, first.
KanDustin's out in front, saying they got directions from the flight's pilot. RoKi passes Tyler and James on the road. The Underdogs finally get going. Kuwait's oil is mentioned, of course, and Kandice talks about her father fighting over here when she was little. Dustin fails to snap at her during this, so she must need to get some tips from Mary. They take a wrong turn, so RoKi/Tyler/James are first to the towers. An employee there tells them to take an elevator up to the top. When they get off, they take a moment to take in the sweeping vista of Kuwait City, then notice that there are numbered tags hanging on little hooks. Kimberly manages to snag #1, so Tyler and James get #2. Hehehe. Tyler and James get #2. They can't start on their next task until 11:00 AM, but they know they're in good shape. The teams exchange high tens. I think Peter and Sarah are the only team with no friends. That's appropriate. KanDustin and Peter and Sarah take the same elevator up, and Peter dashes out the second the doors are open, so he gets #3. KanDustin is stuck with #4, which they find annoying. So that puts the Underdogs into the last three spots, with Lyn/Karlyn getting #5, David/Mary #6, and Erwin/Godwin #7. Erwin and Godwin note how high up they are, and are getting nervous, because neither one of them likes heights.
11:00 AM. The tower office opens, and everyone gets a clue. Roadblock! But before we get to that, there's also one of the two Fast Forwards of the season. The Fast Forward involves a team doing a task that once completed, allows them to skip all the other tasks of the leg and go straight to the pitstop. A team may only use one in the entire race, and I still wish they had one on every leg. However, at least this time, it's showing up when everyone is in first place, so to speak. It's so pointless when everyone is spaced out. Anyhow, in this Fast Forward, the team(s) will have to drive 18 miles to an oil field, don protective gear, and approach a clue box near an intense, controlled fire. RoKi, Tyler, and James know they're in fairly good position right now, so ignore the Fast Forward for the Roadblock. In this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to scale a ladder on the outside of one of the towers' "bubbles". It's extremely high up, but the ladder is encased in an outer shell of metal rungs, and the team member will be rigged up to a safety harness, so I wouldn't be frightened at all. Of course, it's easy for me to say that while sitting at home on the couch, but still. But! This isn't just a physical task. Once the team member has scaled the ladder, they have to pick up a satchel with some puzzle pieces inside. They then go down to the ground (on the stairs, presumably -- no rappel here), get some additional puzzle pieces out of a trunk, and assemble a jigsaw of sorts. Once complete, it will give the address (in Arabic) of a marked stall where their next clue awaits. Whoever designed the tasks this season deserves a big kiss on the cheek.
Kimberly takes the Roadblock. So does Tyler, of course. I'm surprised Tyler lets James step on the mat with him. So far, Tyler has: shot the flaming arrow, driven through the congested streets of India, and did a wall climb the same week he did all of the rowing in a choppy Vietnamese bay. James? Has eaten a small bowl of fish eyes and sat on an unmoving bicycle selling flowers to flirty old ladies. Karlyn takes the Roadblock. Sarah's interested in going for the Fast Forward, and Peter's not. Guess who wins? Yep, they stick around, and Sarah takes the Roadblock. KanDustin is also interested in the Fast Forward. Erwin takes the Roadblock. He and Godwin note that David and Mary haven't read through their clue yet, and that KanDustin is about to leave for the Fast Forward. They make like they're getting on the elevator, and tell KanDustin that they're headed for the Fast Forward as well, since they're in last place. It works. KanDustin would rather keep their position than risk coming back in last, so they commit to the Roadblock. Kandice takes it. David and Mary want the Fast Forward, and the way is now paved for them. Well played, Erwin and Godwin. Mary gives them a hug and thanks them. She and David take off, Mary talking about how her heart will be broken if Erwin and Godwin are eliminated because of this. The brothers themselves are also starting to fret.
Commercials. Impress your potential new boss by stalking him.
Now that Mary and David are safely on their way, Erwin and Godwin go back up in the elevator. Erwin is still talking about what a "test" this Roadblock is going to be, as he will continue to do for several minutes, but this is the last time I'm going to mention it, because it's simply not that intimidating. Erwin and Godwin tell the other teams that they gave up on the Fast Forward. The other teams are clearly thinking "idiots" to themselves, not knowing what really just happened. Heh. David and Mary are bit lost, and getting snippy again. They pull over and find someone willing to lead them to the oil field. More teams profess to be scared of the climb. Kimberly starts on hers. And, of course, she has no problems whatsoever, because ominous music aside, THIS IS EASY. She grabs her satchel. Tyler has even fewer problems. He pauses to take his hands off the rungs to show how easy it is. Kimberly gets down to the ground, and begins on her puzzle. It looks like the Roadblocker's partner can give verbal advice about what to do, but just can't help assemble. For the third time, Sarah talks about how she's not sure if she can do the climb or not. Well maybe if you are constantly unsure about your climbing abilities, you should stop voluntarily taking the climbing tasks. Kandice and Karlyn agree that she shouldn't have been the one to do the Roadblock, but she does fine. She again is all "Yay, look at what I just did!" when she finishes, which would be more impressive if we hadn't been watching her do a climb almost every week.
Tyler starts his puzzle. Upon hearing that the climb was easy, James says that he should have done it. Dead weight. Kimberly has finished the puzzle, but has left out all the parts that need to be filled in with Arabic letters, so she's got to rework it. Tyler figures out where the letters go fairly easily. Kandice climbs. Sarah starts on the puzzle, warning Peter at the outset to leave her alone and let her figure it out. Kandice practically dances off with her satchel, having thoroughly enjoyed her climb. Karlyn begins her climb. David and Mary pull up to the Fast Forward. Karlyn finishes, grabs her satchel, and runs off. Erwin starts to climb. Wah wah scared. Hey, there appears to be a water park right next door to the towers. Cool! I wish the task had been there. Kimberly is struggling with her puzzle, and after seeing Tyler work, Rob tells her that she has to figure out how the gold lettering fits into the blue indentations. Hmm, getting that information off another team seems a little shifty, but it's minor, so whatever. Erwin climbs. Godwin yells up encouragement, including "You are not going home today!" "Yes you are, Chos," Tyler mutters to himself. Hehehe. Erwin finishes the climb.
David and Mary are suited up in a bunch of protective gear. Mary's a bit nervous, but seems excited, spouting the titular quote (so that's four out of six episode titles she's responsible for). Kimberly continues to struggle. "Am I just stupid?" she wails to herself. A blast of "YES!!" coming from every house in the neighborhood shatters my windows. After I have new ones installed, I'm just in time to catch David and Mary approaching the fake oil well fire. The back of the clue box is completely scorched. They come up while holding a shield in front of them and having some professionals lead the way. David is happy that his childhood dream of becoming a firefighter is becoming a sort of reality. Aw. They take the clue, which directs them to drive to the Al-Sadiq water towers. Phil doesn't give any factoids about them, like he usually does with the pitstops. They're water towers. They have stripes on them. That's about it.
Tyler finishes his puzzle. He and James lift up the entire puzzle, and run it over to someone who presumably works at the Kuwait Towers. He tells them it reads "Street Al-Gharabally", and Phil lets us in on the fact that this street is in a market three miles away. There is a marked bead shop there where they'll get the next clue. Tyler and James get directions. Sarah finishes the puzzle, and they get directions. Erwin sweats like a pig. Kimberly finally finishes. This is why I love these mental tasks. It shuffles the team order by merit, not luck. RoKi gets directions, Kimberly having a lot of trouble with the word "mosque". I wonder why she couldn't put an Arabic puzzle together. In their car, Rob points out that they need to turn at a mosque, and Kimberly's like "Whatever, I don't know what that is". The editors can't let this go, and give Kimberly her second Sproooooooing of Doofitude. Karlyn finishes the puzzle. As she and Lyn walk off with it, Kandice finishes as well. Lyn and Karlyn get the information about the street name from some nearby men.
And now for this week's drama. KanDustin approaches the same men. Lyn and Karlyn tell them not to help KanDustin. In fact, Karlyn actively tries to herd them away from KanDustin, and when Dustin approaches even more closely, Karlyn physically pushes her away. One of the guys is apparently charmed enough by Karlyn to not help KanDustin, but the other one relents and agrees to ride with them. Lyn and Karlyn conclude that this is unfair, and that KanDustin needs to learn how to "run their own race". In the KanDustin car, Dustin says that Lyn and Karlyn were acting like pigs, and hogging all the help, because they already had their answer, and should just move on. I've been waffling back and forth over this all week. On the one hand, KanDustin has a lot of nerve getting all up in arms about a team trying to prevent a local from helping another team, because remember? With the hand over the taxi driver's mouth? Yeah. On the other hand, Lyn and Karlyn did three things that essentially put me on KanDustin's side. First, the pushing. Pretty aggressive from a set of women who are morally offended when Sarah gets on a plane early or KanDustin snakes their boat. Second, Dustin's absolutely right. Once you have the information you need to move on, I feel like staying behind for the sole purpose of impeding another team is kind of assy. Third, and this is the big one: "run their own race"? What does that mean? That KanDustin should have figured out the Arabic address without help? That they shouldn't ask a local to ride with them, which is a perfectly acceptable strategy for Lyn and Karlyn's pals David and Mary? And speaking of them, Lyn and Karlyn don't really get to be snide about independent work when they're openly part of an alliance. So, yeah. While my sympathy for KanDustin is minimal, Lyn and Karlyn can just shut it.
Erwin, in last place, finishes the puzzle, and he and Godwin get the translated address. They convince a policeman who's sitting around doing nothing to lead them there. The policeman's only too happy to help, even putting on his lights and sirens. Hehehe. Tyler and James are first to the market. They have trouble finding the marked bead shop. Peter and Sarah are driving around lost, but RoKi spots the mosque they need to turn at, and find the market. Erwin and Godwin are making good time, thanks to their police escort. Peter and Sarah manage to locate the market. KanDustin arrives next, thanks to their helper. Then Erwin and Godwin. Thanks, remarkably cute Kuwait policeman! Lyn and Karlyn are having trouble, and pull over to pay a taxi to lead them there. Tyler spots the marked bead shop, and they are first to get the next clue. Detour! Manual or Automatic. In Manual, teams have to drive themselves to an area called Sulaibiya, and find a feedlot there. At the feedlot, they have to fill ten bags that can carry 110 pounds of camel feed up to a marked line. After closing them, and carrying them to a pallet 100 yards away, they'll receive their next clue. In Automatic, teams drive themselves to the Kuwait Camel Racing Club, which is totally where I'd spend my Sunday afternoons if I lived in Kuwait City. Once at the club, the team will attach a small, robotic jockey to a camel. When they use a voice-activated remote control, the robot swishes a whip around, which will make the camel run. Phil makes sure to tell us that the whip strikes lightly. Once the camel runs the 140-yard track, the team will get their next clue. So all they have to do is strap a robot on and yell into a walkie-talkie? Sounds easy.
Tyler and James don't hear me think that, and choose Manual. Meanwhile, David and Mary have found the pitstop. They run up to Phil and check in as team #1. So, no penalty for them. Plus, they win a trip to Jamaica. Nice! Mary gives all the credit for their placement to Erwin and Godwin. Speaking of whom, they and a bunch of other teams are running all over the marketplace, looking for the marked shop. Rob is the first to spot it, and Kimberly intelligently suggests not running in until a nearby KanDustin has already sprinted by. Good thinking. Once the coast is clear, RoKi gets their Detour clue, and hurry out before they're spotted. Peter and Sarah are next to find the shop. They choose Automatic. KanDustin is still wandering around. Peter and Sarah run by Erwin and Godwin, and Peter feeds them a stupid lie about being illegally parked, so that the Chos don't realize that Peter and Sarah already have the clue. They need to learn that the most successful lie is a simple one. "We haven't seen the shop." Brilliant. "We have no idea where the shop is, and we need to go back to our car because it's illegally parked, and blah blah blah." Suspicious over-sharing. Erwin and Godwin see right through it, and are easily able to locate the shop. Peter's a dumbass. The Chos go for Manual. Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the market, and start asking around for someone who speaks English. KanDustin is still wandering around lost.
Commercials. These Mac vs. PC commercials are getting more annoying by the day.
Lyn/Karlyn and KanDustin continue running around the marketplace, looking for the bead shop. Lyn and Karlyn find the Chos, who tell them precisely where to find the Detour clue. So much for "running your own race", huh? KanDustin still manages to find it first, and they choose Manual. Lyn and Karlyn are last to the Detour clue, and choose Automatic. They pause to get directions. The Chos find the same policeman who helped them before, but he doesn't seem to know how to find where they're headed. Lyn and Karlyn approach, and when nobody can figure out how to find Manual, the Chos just arrange to follow Lyn and Karlyn to Automatic. And now, the driving. And driving and driving and driving. Peter and Sarah zoom along. Tyler and James ask another driver for directions, while RoKi stops to ask a cab driver. These Detour locations must be really tough to find. Dustin can't find the Manual neighborhood on her map. At a stoplight, she hops out of the car and asks the people in front of her for help. They go above and beyond the call of duty, and agree to lead KanDustin to the Detour. Tyler and James are lost again, and stop at a gas station. After they leave, James confesses that he didn't understand a word the (cute) guy at the gas station said. So I guess in addition to everything else, Tyler's in charge of directions. And driving. And finding the bead shop.
RoKi is first to arrive at their Detour (Manual). KanDustin is right behind them, so they just made up a lot of time. Both teams start madly shoveling feed into their sacks. Kimberly has Rob put an extra shovel's worth in to be sure they're above the line, while KanDustin seems to have missed that part of the clue, which is helpfully pointed out to us by the Fwiiiish of Ineptitude. The Chos don't think Lyn and Karlyn are going the right way, so they change their minds again, and peel off for Manual. Of course, since they didn't know where they were going in the first place, they're now completely lost. They stop at a gas station for directions. James and Tyler are now stopping for their third set of directions since leaving the marketplace. Ouch. Actually, double ouch, since the folks at the store they stop at have no idea where Manual is. They give up, and decide to head for Automatic. Peter and Sarah are equally lost. Sarah is consulting the map, and says that there are no roads mapped out for getting to Automatic. One would think that not having a helpful map would lead to stopping for directions, but they don't.
KanDustin is stapling their feedbags shut before they're filled to the appropriate level. RoKi, standing literally two feet away, note that KanDustin's bags aren't as full, but apparently this doesn't worry KanDustin, who haul their first bag over to the pallet. Lyn and Karlyn note that they've lost the Chos at some point. One of RoKi's feedbags splits wide open when they toss it on the pallet, spilling feed everywhere. They hurry to refill it. The Chos stumble across Manual. I guess they successfully stopped for directions, though we never saw it. They get to shoveling. Tyler and James stop for directions again. And again, the people they talk to can't help. Aside from being stuck in traffic, this has got to be the most frustrating aspect of the race. KanDustin is convinced they're done, only to be told that they've got to fill their bags to the fill line. Handy name, that. One of them concludes that the guy handing out the clue is just being picky. Yeah, that must be it. Peter and Sarah are still lost, and still not pulling over. Erwin and Godwin are making good time on the feedbags, but RoKi is first to finish. Their clue tells them to drive themselves to the next pitstop, the boring water towers we've already seen. One would hope Kuwait City has more interesting landmarks. RoKi is off, pleased with how simple their Detour was. KanDustin finishes their bags correctly this time, and leave for the pitstop in third.
Lyn and Karlyn arrive at Automatic. They strap the robotic jockey to the camel in about forty-five seconds. The camel makes a loud groan in protest, and one of the ladies snarks at the camel for giving them "attitude". Aw, I love it when camels complain. Peter and Sarah. Lost. Not asking for directions. Peter spots a red and yellow arrow on a sign, and congratulates himself loudly for spotting it. Tyler and James are driving around in circles. They're really pissed.
Commercials. Jane Seymour sleeps with Neil Patrick Harris. Isn't she practically his grandmother?
We rejoin a lost Tyler and James. James is wearing a tragically unhip pooka-shell bracelet. Peter and Sarah follow their magical arrow, only to find that it leads them to the long-gone Fast Forward. Heh. They finally decide to switch Detours, and head for Manual. Tyler and James get more directions. Erwin and Godwin finish Manual. They're pretty convinced they're in last place, not knowing about the straggling teams driving around lost. RoKi stops for directions to the pitstop, while Kandice spots the water towers on her map, which allows KanDustin to slide right by. Karlyn yells into her remote control. Now this is a task she excels at. The camel takes off running. Lyn and Karlyn get their clue, and leave for the pitstop. Peter and Sarah. Lost. Not asking for directions. They actually find themselves back at the Roadblock, so it's like they're running this leg in reverse. Heh. They finally, FINALLY ask someone for help. The man points out the neighborhood on the map, and Peter sighs that Sarah really needs to be looking out for these things and paying attention. And while Peter is an insufferable jerk 90% of the time, I have to agree with him on this one. Read the damn map, lady. He takes over the navigation as well as driving. Tyler and James arrive at Automatic, having slipped five places between the bead shop and the racing club. Ouch. They have no trouble rigging up their camel.
KanDustin hits the mat as team #2. Tyler and James have a good time running their camel down the track, and leave for the pitstop. Yeah, not the most intense Detour I've ever seen. Thank goodness for the wacky misadventures in driving around Kuwait. RoKi hits the mat as team #3. I have to say that the huge, expectant grin Rob always gives Phil is equal parts scary and completely endearing. Peter and Sarah stop for directions. Huh, guess he was just as useless at navigating as she was. A cute guy agrees to lead them to the Detour. What is up with the random hotness? Do I need to buy a ticket to Kuwait? Peter harangues Sarah some more about "getting her head together", and now he's over the line, because it's not like he was so good at finding where they needed to go, either. Tyler and James, you'll be shocked to hear, are having problems finding the pitstop. Not having problems are Lyn and Karlyn, who manage an amazing fourth place. They jump up and down in happiness. Karlyn gives Phil a hug. Peter and Sarah follow their cute guy. Erwin and Godwin check in as team #5. They're extremely relieved.
This is where we'd usually have suspenseful intercutting shots of the last two teams, to suggest that it's anyone's guess who will hit the mat next. But Peter and Sarah haven't even found the Detour yet, and in fact are led to the wrong place, so the editors don't even bother this week. Heh. Welcome, Tyler and James. You are team #6. Meh. Part of me would love to see the brawny white dudes chunked midway through the season. The sun sets. Yikes. Peter and Sarah find Manual well after dark. Their clue tells them to proceed directly to the pitstop, so they don't have to do the shoveling. They hope it's a non-elimination round. The water towers are lit with blue light, and look extremely pretty. Peter and Sarah step onto the mat and are eliminated. I exhale with relief. I'm not sure how much longer I could have stood watching such an awkward relationship. Speaking of which, Phil asks Peter what the situation is with said relationship. Peter tries the euphemistic route, saying that while they're dear friends, they're both too focused and driven to work as a couple. Sarah is not about to let the guy who has treated her like dirt for the past five legs get off that easy. She says that Peter is a "go-getter", but that he's not a very nurturing or kind individual. She's looking for someone strong, but also wants them to be caring and compassionate. Oof. I hope Peter likes that new asshole she just ripped him. She has a final individual interview in which she says that she's seen a lot of sides to Peter on this trip, and that he's not the person for her. Translation: "I got involved with a dickhead, but at least it's over". For the audience too, thank goodness. Who will service Sarah's artificial leg now?
Next week on The Amazing Race: KanDustin and Lyn/Karlyn butt heads. KanDustin and another car butt fenders.
Overall Grade: B
Previously on The Amazing Race: Seven teams left Vietnam for the hustle and bustle of Chennai, India. Peter formed an "alliance" with KanDustin that lasted about forty-five seconds. Wrestling a crocodile was easy for Sarah. Wrestling Peter's ego? Not so much. Sarah and Peter managed to get first place, despite their bickering, which is kind of a light motif for this season. David and Mary came in last and were spared elimination, but have to come in first place tonight or they'll incur a thirty-minute penalty. Here's hoping that the fact that they have yet to finish above fifth isn't running through their minds right now. Seven teams still remain. Who will be eliminated next?
Opening credits. If that's really what the scenery around David and Mary's place looks like, I want to go visit them.
Chennai, India. Peter and Sarah are off first at 12:54 PM, though we don't hear the usual intro that they arrived at 12:54 AM. I wonder what that means. Anyway, their clue is different this week. It's an actual clue to an actual puzzle! That needs, like, solving and stuff! Hooray! There's a video device in the clue envelope, and a message from Phil tells them to fly to Kuwait City and find the pictured location. They'll have to buy airline tickets at a travel agency, fly 2400 miles to Kuwait, and get one of the provided cars at the airport. Peter's confident that they'll do well this leg. Snerk. He says he has to be careful of pushing Sarah too hard while she's got a blown-out knee. Someone got a tongue-lashing at the pitstop! And not the good kind. They grab a cab. KanDustin leaves the mat at 1:06 PM. They think other teams are jealous that a "couple of blonde girls" beat them to the mat. Right, because people wouldn't be unhappy at all if other teams beat them to the mat. I'm glad you're doing well, KanDustin. But you need to get over yourselves a little bit. They get a cab. Peter and Sarah arrive at a completely empty travel agency, and tell the agent there that they need help very quickly, because Sarah's leg is a medical emergency. Why they felt they had to be devious about getting help when there are literally no other customers around is beyond me. KanDustin uses their feminine wiles to charm an agent at a different agency. Both teams find tickets that get them into Kuwait at 7:50 AM. Dustin puts her palm up for a high five from the ticket agent, and he totally leaves her hanging. Hahahahaha! Peter and Sarah use the internet at the travel agency to identify their destination: Kuwait Towers.
RoKi leaves the mat at 1:42 PM. Rob says that he's a dramatic person who sometimes gets in trouble because he "speaks freely". Well, then I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I freely asked him to shave, because he's got some ew going on. They get a cab. Erwin and Godwin leave the mat at 1:53 PM. Godwin's wearing a shirt that reads "Will Flex For Food". Oh, Godwin. No. I don't even know where to begin talking about what's wrong with that shirt. They say they're going to stick with Alabama (Lyn/Karlyn), who are leaving the mat at 2:03 PM. They let us in on the fact that teams have $31 for this leg. The producers are still being stingy. Hooray! The two teams talk about their alliance with David and Mary, and that their goal is to be the last three teams standing. They head off to a travel agency. An agent at RoKi's travel agency is able to identify the Kuwait Towers.
Tyler and James leave the mat at 3:37 PM. Tyler says that coming in sixth place was a dagger in the side, and James adds that they can't "let up their guard" at any moment. I'm starting to see why Tyler does all the work. A monkey hangs out on top of a traffic light. Heh. The Underdogs are stuck in traffic, so Tyler and James get to a travel agency first. They also use the internet to identify the Kuwait Towers. Ticket-booking ensues. David and Mary are last to leave the mat at...oh, my God. 6:04 PM. Jeez, did they fill in those colored sections of the pattern at last week's Detour one grain at a time? Mary says that the possibility of the penalty is daunting, especially with the fierce competition they've got. She says that nobody's going to lay down and let them win. They've got to do it themselves. Foreshadowing! The Underdogs buy tickets. The lead teams arrive at the airport. David and Mary catch up to the rest of the Underdogs at the travel agency. Wait, what? Are you telling me it took Erwin/Godwin/Lyn/Karlyn more than four hours to ride from the pitstop to a travel agency? No way. The Underdogs have already set up David and Mary's tickets for them. Aw. Everyone goes to the airport, which Lyn does a sarcastic little cheer about. Heh.
Although Tyler and James got a slightly earlier flight out of Chennai, everyone meets on the same connection in Mumbai (Bombay). Once again, Tyler and James are frustrated and surprised to discover that the other teams didn't wander around lost for sixteen hours, fall into an open sewer, and accidentally book flights to Lansing, Michigan. You were in sixth place, dudes. Did you really think everyone ahead of you would get a worse flight? The plane takes off, and before you know it, we're in Kuwait City. Establishing shots which I'm obligated to tell you are nowhere near as pretty as the ones in Vietnam or China. Everyone jumps in their marked cars except the Underdogs, who are waiting for a local to get his luggage, and will then guide them to the towers. Hopefully, he won't ask to be dropped off at his brother's place, first.
KanDustin's out in front, saying they got directions from the flight's pilot. RoKi passes Tyler and James on the road. The Underdogs finally get going. Kuwait's oil is mentioned, of course, and Kandice talks about her father fighting over here when she was little. Dustin fails to snap at her during this, so she must need to get some tips from Mary. They take a wrong turn, so RoKi/Tyler/James are first to the towers. An employee there tells them to take an elevator up to the top. When they get off, they take a moment to take in the sweeping vista of Kuwait City, then notice that there are numbered tags hanging on little hooks. Kimberly manages to snag #1, so Tyler and James get #2. Hehehe. Tyler and James get #2. They can't start on their next task until 11:00 AM, but they know they're in good shape. The teams exchange high tens. I think Peter and Sarah are the only team with no friends. That's appropriate. KanDustin and Peter and Sarah take the same elevator up, and Peter dashes out the second the doors are open, so he gets #3. KanDustin is stuck with #4, which they find annoying. So that puts the Underdogs into the last three spots, with Lyn/Karlyn getting #5, David/Mary #6, and Erwin/Godwin #7. Erwin and Godwin note how high up they are, and are getting nervous, because neither one of them likes heights.
11:00 AM. The tower office opens, and everyone gets a clue. Roadblock! But before we get to that, there's also one of the two Fast Forwards of the season. The Fast Forward involves a team doing a task that once completed, allows them to skip all the other tasks of the leg and go straight to the pitstop. A team may only use one in the entire race, and I still wish they had one on every leg. However, at least this time, it's showing up when everyone is in first place, so to speak. It's so pointless when everyone is spaced out. Anyhow, in this Fast Forward, the team(s) will have to drive 18 miles to an oil field, don protective gear, and approach a clue box near an intense, controlled fire. RoKi, Tyler, and James know they're in fairly good position right now, so ignore the Fast Forward for the Roadblock. In this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to scale a ladder on the outside of one of the towers' "bubbles". It's extremely high up, but the ladder is encased in an outer shell of metal rungs, and the team member will be rigged up to a safety harness, so I wouldn't be frightened at all. Of course, it's easy for me to say that while sitting at home on the couch, but still. But! This isn't just a physical task. Once the team member has scaled the ladder, they have to pick up a satchel with some puzzle pieces inside. They then go down to the ground (on the stairs, presumably -- no rappel here), get some additional puzzle pieces out of a trunk, and assemble a jigsaw of sorts. Once complete, it will give the address (in Arabic) of a marked stall where their next clue awaits. Whoever designed the tasks this season deserves a big kiss on the cheek.
Kimberly takes the Roadblock. So does Tyler, of course. I'm surprised Tyler lets James step on the mat with him. So far, Tyler has: shot the flaming arrow, driven through the congested streets of India, and did a wall climb the same week he did all of the rowing in a choppy Vietnamese bay. James? Has eaten a small bowl of fish eyes and sat on an unmoving bicycle selling flowers to flirty old ladies. Karlyn takes the Roadblock. Sarah's interested in going for the Fast Forward, and Peter's not. Guess who wins? Yep, they stick around, and Sarah takes the Roadblock. KanDustin is also interested in the Fast Forward. Erwin takes the Roadblock. He and Godwin note that David and Mary haven't read through their clue yet, and that KanDustin is about to leave for the Fast Forward. They make like they're getting on the elevator, and tell KanDustin that they're headed for the Fast Forward as well, since they're in last place. It works. KanDustin would rather keep their position than risk coming back in last, so they commit to the Roadblock. Kandice takes it. David and Mary want the Fast Forward, and the way is now paved for them. Well played, Erwin and Godwin. Mary gives them a hug and thanks them. She and David take off, Mary talking about how her heart will be broken if Erwin and Godwin are eliminated because of this. The brothers themselves are also starting to fret.
Commercials. Impress your potential new boss by stalking him.
Now that Mary and David are safely on their way, Erwin and Godwin go back up in the elevator. Erwin is still talking about what a "test" this Roadblock is going to be, as he will continue to do for several minutes, but this is the last time I'm going to mention it, because it's simply not that intimidating. Erwin and Godwin tell the other teams that they gave up on the Fast Forward. The other teams are clearly thinking "idiots" to themselves, not knowing what really just happened. Heh. David and Mary are bit lost, and getting snippy again. They pull over and find someone willing to lead them to the oil field. More teams profess to be scared of the climb. Kimberly starts on hers. And, of course, she has no problems whatsoever, because ominous music aside, THIS IS EASY. She grabs her satchel. Tyler has even fewer problems. He pauses to take his hands off the rungs to show how easy it is. Kimberly gets down to the ground, and begins on her puzzle. It looks like the Roadblocker's partner can give verbal advice about what to do, but just can't help assemble. For the third time, Sarah talks about how she's not sure if she can do the climb or not. Well maybe if you are constantly unsure about your climbing abilities, you should stop voluntarily taking the climbing tasks. Kandice and Karlyn agree that she shouldn't have been the one to do the Roadblock, but she does fine. She again is all "Yay, look at what I just did!" when she finishes, which would be more impressive if we hadn't been watching her do a climb almost every week.
Tyler starts his puzzle. Upon hearing that the climb was easy, James says that he should have done it. Dead weight. Kimberly has finished the puzzle, but has left out all the parts that need to be filled in with Arabic letters, so she's got to rework it. Tyler figures out where the letters go fairly easily. Kandice climbs. Sarah starts on the puzzle, warning Peter at the outset to leave her alone and let her figure it out. Kandice practically dances off with her satchel, having thoroughly enjoyed her climb. Karlyn begins her climb. David and Mary pull up to the Fast Forward. Karlyn finishes, grabs her satchel, and runs off. Erwin starts to climb. Wah wah scared. Hey, there appears to be a water park right next door to the towers. Cool! I wish the task had been there. Kimberly is struggling with her puzzle, and after seeing Tyler work, Rob tells her that she has to figure out how the gold lettering fits into the blue indentations. Hmm, getting that information off another team seems a little shifty, but it's minor, so whatever. Erwin climbs. Godwin yells up encouragement, including "You are not going home today!" "Yes you are, Chos," Tyler mutters to himself. Hehehe. Erwin finishes the climb.
David and Mary are suited up in a bunch of protective gear. Mary's a bit nervous, but seems excited, spouting the titular quote (so that's four out of six episode titles she's responsible for). Kimberly continues to struggle. "Am I just stupid?" she wails to herself. A blast of "YES!!" coming from every house in the neighborhood shatters my windows. After I have new ones installed, I'm just in time to catch David and Mary approaching the fake oil well fire. The back of the clue box is completely scorched. They come up while holding a shield in front of them and having some professionals lead the way. David is happy that his childhood dream of becoming a firefighter is becoming a sort of reality. Aw. They take the clue, which directs them to drive to the Al-Sadiq water towers. Phil doesn't give any factoids about them, like he usually does with the pitstops. They're water towers. They have stripes on them. That's about it.
Tyler finishes his puzzle. He and James lift up the entire puzzle, and run it over to someone who presumably works at the Kuwait Towers. He tells them it reads "Street Al-Gharabally", and Phil lets us in on the fact that this street is in a market three miles away. There is a marked bead shop there where they'll get the next clue. Tyler and James get directions. Sarah finishes the puzzle, and they get directions. Erwin sweats like a pig. Kimberly finally finishes. This is why I love these mental tasks. It shuffles the team order by merit, not luck. RoKi gets directions, Kimberly having a lot of trouble with the word "mosque". I wonder why she couldn't put an Arabic puzzle together. In their car, Rob points out that they need to turn at a mosque, and Kimberly's like "Whatever, I don't know what that is". The editors can't let this go, and give Kimberly her second Sproooooooing of Doofitude. Karlyn finishes the puzzle. As she and Lyn walk off with it, Kandice finishes as well. Lyn and Karlyn get the information about the street name from some nearby men.
And now for this week's drama. KanDustin approaches the same men. Lyn and Karlyn tell them not to help KanDustin. In fact, Karlyn actively tries to herd them away from KanDustin, and when Dustin approaches even more closely, Karlyn physically pushes her away. One of the guys is apparently charmed enough by Karlyn to not help KanDustin, but the other one relents and agrees to ride with them. Lyn and Karlyn conclude that this is unfair, and that KanDustin needs to learn how to "run their own race". In the KanDustin car, Dustin says that Lyn and Karlyn were acting like pigs, and hogging all the help, because they already had their answer, and should just move on. I've been waffling back and forth over this all week. On the one hand, KanDustin has a lot of nerve getting all up in arms about a team trying to prevent a local from helping another team, because remember? With the hand over the taxi driver's mouth? Yeah. On the other hand, Lyn and Karlyn did three things that essentially put me on KanDustin's side. First, the pushing. Pretty aggressive from a set of women who are morally offended when Sarah gets on a plane early or KanDustin snakes their boat. Second, Dustin's absolutely right. Once you have the information you need to move on, I feel like staying behind for the sole purpose of impeding another team is kind of assy. Third, and this is the big one: "run their own race"? What does that mean? That KanDustin should have figured out the Arabic address without help? That they shouldn't ask a local to ride with them, which is a perfectly acceptable strategy for Lyn and Karlyn's pals David and Mary? And speaking of them, Lyn and Karlyn don't really get to be snide about independent work when they're openly part of an alliance. So, yeah. While my sympathy for KanDustin is minimal, Lyn and Karlyn can just shut it.
Erwin, in last place, finishes the puzzle, and he and Godwin get the translated address. They convince a policeman who's sitting around doing nothing to lead them there. The policeman's only too happy to help, even putting on his lights and sirens. Hehehe. Tyler and James are first to the market. They have trouble finding the marked bead shop. Peter and Sarah are driving around lost, but RoKi spots the mosque they need to turn at, and find the market. Erwin and Godwin are making good time, thanks to their police escort. Peter and Sarah manage to locate the market. KanDustin arrives next, thanks to their helper. Then Erwin and Godwin. Thanks, remarkably cute Kuwait policeman! Lyn and Karlyn are having trouble, and pull over to pay a taxi to lead them there. Tyler spots the marked bead shop, and they are first to get the next clue. Detour! Manual or Automatic. In Manual, teams have to drive themselves to an area called Sulaibiya, and find a feedlot there. At the feedlot, they have to fill ten bags that can carry 110 pounds of camel feed up to a marked line. After closing them, and carrying them to a pallet 100 yards away, they'll receive their next clue. In Automatic, teams drive themselves to the Kuwait Camel Racing Club, which is totally where I'd spend my Sunday afternoons if I lived in Kuwait City. Once at the club, the team will attach a small, robotic jockey to a camel. When they use a voice-activated remote control, the robot swishes a whip around, which will make the camel run. Phil makes sure to tell us that the whip strikes lightly. Once the camel runs the 140-yard track, the team will get their next clue. So all they have to do is strap a robot on and yell into a walkie-talkie? Sounds easy.
Tyler and James don't hear me think that, and choose Manual. Meanwhile, David and Mary have found the pitstop. They run up to Phil and check in as team #1. So, no penalty for them. Plus, they win a trip to Jamaica. Nice! Mary gives all the credit for their placement to Erwin and Godwin. Speaking of whom, they and a bunch of other teams are running all over the marketplace, looking for the marked shop. Rob is the first to spot it, and Kimberly intelligently suggests not running in until a nearby KanDustin has already sprinted by. Good thinking. Once the coast is clear, RoKi gets their Detour clue, and hurry out before they're spotted. Peter and Sarah are next to find the shop. They choose Automatic. KanDustin is still wandering around. Peter and Sarah run by Erwin and Godwin, and Peter feeds them a stupid lie about being illegally parked, so that the Chos don't realize that Peter and Sarah already have the clue. They need to learn that the most successful lie is a simple one. "We haven't seen the shop." Brilliant. "We have no idea where the shop is, and we need to go back to our car because it's illegally parked, and blah blah blah." Suspicious over-sharing. Erwin and Godwin see right through it, and are easily able to locate the shop. Peter's a dumbass. The Chos go for Manual. Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the market, and start asking around for someone who speaks English. KanDustin is still wandering around lost.
Commercials. These Mac vs. PC commercials are getting more annoying by the day.
Lyn/Karlyn and KanDustin continue running around the marketplace, looking for the bead shop. Lyn and Karlyn find the Chos, who tell them precisely where to find the Detour clue. So much for "running your own race", huh? KanDustin still manages to find it first, and they choose Manual. Lyn and Karlyn are last to the Detour clue, and choose Automatic. They pause to get directions. The Chos find the same policeman who helped them before, but he doesn't seem to know how to find where they're headed. Lyn and Karlyn approach, and when nobody can figure out how to find Manual, the Chos just arrange to follow Lyn and Karlyn to Automatic. And now, the driving. And driving and driving and driving. Peter and Sarah zoom along. Tyler and James ask another driver for directions, while RoKi stops to ask a cab driver. These Detour locations must be really tough to find. Dustin can't find the Manual neighborhood on her map. At a stoplight, she hops out of the car and asks the people in front of her for help. They go above and beyond the call of duty, and agree to lead KanDustin to the Detour. Tyler and James are lost again, and stop at a gas station. After they leave, James confesses that he didn't understand a word the (cute) guy at the gas station said. So I guess in addition to everything else, Tyler's in charge of directions. And driving. And finding the bead shop.
RoKi is first to arrive at their Detour (Manual). KanDustin is right behind them, so they just made up a lot of time. Both teams start madly shoveling feed into their sacks. Kimberly has Rob put an extra shovel's worth in to be sure they're above the line, while KanDustin seems to have missed that part of the clue, which is helpfully pointed out to us by the Fwiiiish of Ineptitude. The Chos don't think Lyn and Karlyn are going the right way, so they change their minds again, and peel off for Manual. Of course, since they didn't know where they were going in the first place, they're now completely lost. They stop at a gas station for directions. James and Tyler are now stopping for their third set of directions since leaving the marketplace. Ouch. Actually, double ouch, since the folks at the store they stop at have no idea where Manual is. They give up, and decide to head for Automatic. Peter and Sarah are equally lost. Sarah is consulting the map, and says that there are no roads mapped out for getting to Automatic. One would think that not having a helpful map would lead to stopping for directions, but they don't.
KanDustin is stapling their feedbags shut before they're filled to the appropriate level. RoKi, standing literally two feet away, note that KanDustin's bags aren't as full, but apparently this doesn't worry KanDustin, who haul their first bag over to the pallet. Lyn and Karlyn note that they've lost the Chos at some point. One of RoKi's feedbags splits wide open when they toss it on the pallet, spilling feed everywhere. They hurry to refill it. The Chos stumble across Manual. I guess they successfully stopped for directions, though we never saw it. They get to shoveling. Tyler and James stop for directions again. And again, the people they talk to can't help. Aside from being stuck in traffic, this has got to be the most frustrating aspect of the race. KanDustin is convinced they're done, only to be told that they've got to fill their bags to the fill line. Handy name, that. One of them concludes that the guy handing out the clue is just being picky. Yeah, that must be it. Peter and Sarah are still lost, and still not pulling over. Erwin and Godwin are making good time on the feedbags, but RoKi is first to finish. Their clue tells them to drive themselves to the next pitstop, the boring water towers we've already seen. One would hope Kuwait City has more interesting landmarks. RoKi is off, pleased with how simple their Detour was. KanDustin finishes their bags correctly this time, and leave for the pitstop in third.
Lyn and Karlyn arrive at Automatic. They strap the robotic jockey to the camel in about forty-five seconds. The camel makes a loud groan in protest, and one of the ladies snarks at the camel for giving them "attitude". Aw, I love it when camels complain. Peter and Sarah. Lost. Not asking for directions. Peter spots a red and yellow arrow on a sign, and congratulates himself loudly for spotting it. Tyler and James are driving around in circles. They're really pissed.
Commercials. Jane Seymour sleeps with Neil Patrick Harris. Isn't she practically his grandmother?
We rejoin a lost Tyler and James. James is wearing a tragically unhip pooka-shell bracelet. Peter and Sarah follow their magical arrow, only to find that it leads them to the long-gone Fast Forward. Heh. They finally decide to switch Detours, and head for Manual. Tyler and James get more directions. Erwin and Godwin finish Manual. They're pretty convinced they're in last place, not knowing about the straggling teams driving around lost. RoKi stops for directions to the pitstop, while Kandice spots the water towers on her map, which allows KanDustin to slide right by. Karlyn yells into her remote control. Now this is a task she excels at. The camel takes off running. Lyn and Karlyn get their clue, and leave for the pitstop. Peter and Sarah. Lost. Not asking for directions. They actually find themselves back at the Roadblock, so it's like they're running this leg in reverse. Heh. They finally, FINALLY ask someone for help. The man points out the neighborhood on the map, and Peter sighs that Sarah really needs to be looking out for these things and paying attention. And while Peter is an insufferable jerk 90% of the time, I have to agree with him on this one. Read the damn map, lady. He takes over the navigation as well as driving. Tyler and James arrive at Automatic, having slipped five places between the bead shop and the racing club. Ouch. They have no trouble rigging up their camel.
KanDustin hits the mat as team #2. Tyler and James have a good time running their camel down the track, and leave for the pitstop. Yeah, not the most intense Detour I've ever seen. Thank goodness for the wacky misadventures in driving around Kuwait. RoKi hits the mat as team #3. I have to say that the huge, expectant grin Rob always gives Phil is equal parts scary and completely endearing. Peter and Sarah stop for directions. Huh, guess he was just as useless at navigating as she was. A cute guy agrees to lead them to the Detour. What is up with the random hotness? Do I need to buy a ticket to Kuwait? Peter harangues Sarah some more about "getting her head together", and now he's over the line, because it's not like he was so good at finding where they needed to go, either. Tyler and James, you'll be shocked to hear, are having problems finding the pitstop. Not having problems are Lyn and Karlyn, who manage an amazing fourth place. They jump up and down in happiness. Karlyn gives Phil a hug. Peter and Sarah follow their cute guy. Erwin and Godwin check in as team #5. They're extremely relieved.
This is where we'd usually have suspenseful intercutting shots of the last two teams, to suggest that it's anyone's guess who will hit the mat next. But Peter and Sarah haven't even found the Detour yet, and in fact are led to the wrong place, so the editors don't even bother this week. Heh. Welcome, Tyler and James. You are team #6. Meh. Part of me would love to see the brawny white dudes chunked midway through the season. The sun sets. Yikes. Peter and Sarah find Manual well after dark. Their clue tells them to proceed directly to the pitstop, so they don't have to do the shoveling. They hope it's a non-elimination round. The water towers are lit with blue light, and look extremely pretty. Peter and Sarah step onto the mat and are eliminated. I exhale with relief. I'm not sure how much longer I could have stood watching such an awkward relationship. Speaking of which, Phil asks Peter what the situation is with said relationship. Peter tries the euphemistic route, saying that while they're dear friends, they're both too focused and driven to work as a couple. Sarah is not about to let the guy who has treated her like dirt for the past five legs get off that easy. She says that Peter is a "go-getter", but that he's not a very nurturing or kind individual. She's looking for someone strong, but also wants them to be caring and compassionate. Oof. I hope Peter likes that new asshole she just ripped him. She has a final individual interview in which she says that she's seen a lot of sides to Peter on this trip, and that he's not the person for her. Translation: "I got involved with a dickhead, but at least it's over". For the audience too, thank goodness. Who will service Sarah's artificial leg now?
Next week on The Amazing Race: KanDustin and Lyn/Karlyn butt heads. KanDustin and another car butt fenders.
Overall Grade: B
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Into the Fire
Top Chef - Season 2, Episode 1
Previously on Top Chef: After the chaff was ditched, we were left with two talented chefs. The forces of Good were represented by genial, easygoing Harold, while the abrasive, conceited Tiffani led the forces of Evil. Harold triumphed, of course, because that's what the forces of Good do on reality shows. Right? RIGHT? Now, it's time to start the whole enterprise again with a fresh set of famewhores. Hooray!
We open with an introduction by our new host, Padma Lakshmi. Yes! The Bot has been deactivated! Padma talks about the pressure, and the passion, and the competition, oh and by the way, did you know that some food will be prepared? Well, it totally will. Out of "thousands" of applicants, the contestant pool has been whittled down to a final fifteen. Observing the chefs will be head "judge" Tom Collichio, known as Ptom around these parts, because all this man should be qualified to judge is how far up his ass I could plant my foot. Gail Simmons of Food & Wine magazine is also back. Welcome back, comparatively unannoying Gail! Padma gives a brief rundown of her own credentials (really just not being KatieBot is enough), including authoring a cookbook and loving all things culinary. Hey, I guess that means I'm 50% qualified to be a judge! All I need to do is dash off a quick cookbook. I'll have to play to my strengths, but I'm not sure "How To Include Soy Sauce In Every Single Dish" will be flying off the shelves. Padma has a large scar on her arm that will likely distract me every single time she's onscreen. One of the contestants will be eliminated each week, until four remain to cook in the finals in Hawaii. Ooh. The grand prize includes state-of-the-art kitchen equipment, a feature in Food & Wine, a chance to cook for the Food & Wine Classic in Aspen, and $100,000.
Opening credits just as boring as last season's.
Hey, the competition's not in San Francisco this year, but Los Angeles. That's a bit disappointing. Ready to meet this year's contestants? If not, too bad!
Josie Smith-Malave is a 31-year-old sous chef at a restaurant in New York. We see a brief glance at her application tape, which includes a shot of her lesbian lovah. Josie looks like she could be a good rollergirl.
Betty Fraser is a 44-year-old ex-actress from Los Angeles, which makes sense, given that she looks like Suzanne Somers with a bigger nose. She's waited a lot of tables, presumably because she couldn't find acting work, and picked up an interest in cooking from that. She now cooks for and owns a restaurant in Los Angeles. I don't even know how to describe how disturbing the shot of her doing wild, flailing, jumping cheers is. Nor the shot of her cooking while wearing a midriff-baring tank top, and her gut hanging out over a black and white miniskirt. Someone needs to take Betty aside, and gently explain that perhaps it's time to leave the ingenue days behind.
Ilan Hall is a 24-year-old line cook from New York City. He's got a touch of the obnoxious faux rocker look about him, which unfortunately seems to be a pervading theme on TV these days. He says he's going to win Top Chef because he wants the prize money. Well, so do I. Guess I've got a shot of winning, too.
Marcel Vigneron is a 26-year-old Stephen knockoff from Las Vegas. I mean, really. Three words out of his mouth, and we already know who the pretentious twit of the season is going to be. He's a "master cook" from Las Vegas, and he's got a flyaway hairstyle that must take fifteen cans of Aqua Net daily to maintain.
Gnat: "I didn't know Jimmy Neutron existed in real life."
He talks about his interest in "molecular gastronomy". Midway through his first interview, and I'm already tired of him. This'll be fun.
Elia Aboumrad is a 23-year-old room service chef from Las Vegas. Don't yell at me. I'm just transcribing the subtitles. It's not my fault she's trying to get away with saying she's twenty-three. She's originally from Mexico, where women who cook are presumed to be interested in marriage only, she tells us. So no women in Mexico prepare food because they're, I don't know, HUNGRY? She does have very pretty hair.
Sam Talbot is a 28-year-old "executive consulting chef" from New York City. I have no idea what that title means. He hopes the show will take his career to "the next level". Tally mark on the Irritating Reality Show Cliche list! Along with the unmentioned "in it to win it" from Josie that I was trying to ignore, we're up to two already. Impressive. Of two brief introductory paragraphs on his Bravo biography, his "good looks" are mentioned four times. Apparently, he's been voted one of New York's sexiest chefs, and if that's true, New York? Time to import some new chefs. Yes, I know you're crowded, but this cannot stand as the benchmark of what your city considers sexy.
I hate to interrupt the introductions, but they're intercut with the chefs moving into their living space, which has to be mentioned. Gone is the International House of Famewhores. These people are apparently staying in a Dickensian workhouse. There are tiny, utilitarian bunk beds set up, the decoration is sparse, and the whole room looks like these guys have been sent to juvie. Marcel and Ilan meet each other and whip out their knives to compare their sizes. The joke practically makes itself. Ilan makes it anyway, saying that next they'll be comparing cocks. He seems to instantly dislike Marcel. Sweet.
Frank Terzoli is a 39-year-old executive chef from San Diego. He's brought along earplugs, but they're not for him; they're for his roommates. Hehehe. He also comments on the prison-like nature of their accommodations. I'm glad someone mentioned how crappy they are, because have I mentioned the twin-sized bunk beds?
Marisa Churchill is a 29-year-old executive pastry chef from San Francisco. Finally, someone who knows how to make dessert! In her application tape, she brags that she uses her sexuality to her advantage, and as with pretty much all people who herald themselves for their allure, she ain't all that. The shot of her ass gets honest-to-God blurs, though I don't know if they're covering a logo on her jeans or actual cheek sticking out. If it's the latter, she's dead to me.
Suyai Steinhauer is a 28-year-old chef and owner of a catering company from New York City. She's originally from England, and has a nifty accent. Her name is pronounced with a J-sound in the middle. She was bulimic for many years, and got into food as a way of healing her eating disorder. Gnat and I come up with similar remarks along the lines of "you healed it!" at about the same time. Man, we're bitches.
Michael Midgley is a 28-year-old line cook from Lodi, California. He wants to own a sports bar, and is definitely working the dirty slob look. Bleh. He notes that the other contestants have more experience, but that he's got balls. Thank you for telling me about your balls. Kindly never mention them again. He says he's ready to "rock and roll". Tally mark!
Carlos Fernandez is a 36-year-old chef and owner of a cafe in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. He owns the cafe with his life partner of the last twelve years, and they just got their first four-star review. Good for them, but I'm less impressed with that than with the fact that these two can live and work together for twelve years without resorting to murder. Private time, people. It can't be overestimated. He's self-taught, and wants to show those people with their snooty culinary degrees that he can be successful.
Mia Gaines-Alt is a 32-year-old chef and owner of a catering restaurant in Oakdale, California. Her mother and husband are "holding the torch" for her while she competes, and I'd love to know how the working relationship is between those two. If she wins, the money's going to be put right back into her business. I like a practical thinker.
That's not all the chefs, but they're hurrying us along into the Quickfire Challenge anyway. The chefs stream into the new Kitchen, which is bigger and uglier than the one in San Francisco. They're met by Padma, Ptom, and Harold, who's still cute, but needs to stand up straight. God, I sound like my mother. Harold will be this week's guest judge. Nice. Ptom goes into his first smug speech of the season, and it's worth analyzing what he has to say. "I know everybody's excited to start cooking, but first a little housekeeping. I am not the chef here, and I am not your mentor; I'm the head judge. I will be making trips into the Kitchen, asking questions, and observing you. I will take those observations back to the Judges' Table, and share them with the other judges. Good luck." OK, let's just plug that into the Ptom to English Translator. "I am NOT Tim Gunn. I am NOT Tim Gunn. I am NOT Tim Gunn. I know everyone hates my guts, but making sure I don't come off as a smarmy dickhead takes way too much time and effort for me to bother. Hear that, audience?" What gives, here? Either Bravo or Ptom himself is clearly desperate to distance him from Tim, but why would you want to distance yourself from Tim? Tim Gunn rocks. Nobody but delusional freaks like Vincent has anything but glowing things to say about him, and he gives friendly, but frank criticism. I'm sorry that Ptom lacks the personality to be the same kind of authority figure, but then maybe they shouldn't have asked his conceited ass back. Or, if they want his crabby commentary at the Judges' Table that much, send someone else into the Kitchen to be an observer, if not a mentor. Padma, perhaps?
That unpleasant disclaimer out of the way, Padma tells the chefs they'll have to survive through twelve rounds to get to the finals. In each round there will be a Quickfire Challenge and an Elimination Challenge. If a chef wins the Quickfire Challenge, they are immune from elimination in the latter. Padma announces that suitably, the first Quickfire challenge involves quickness and fire. The chefs will have to create a flambe dish (sorry, I don't bother with accent marks; they're too time-consuming), using any alcohol and ingredients provided in the Kitchen. Otto, who we haven't even been introduced to yet (Otto Borisch - a 46-year-old chef instructor from Las Vegas), says that flambe is as simple as tipping a high alcohol-content liquid towards a gas flame. Suyai has never studied the flambe technique, so she's nervous. The chefs have twenty minutes to prepare their dishes. Go!
Sam wants to win immunity. Michael thinks the time limit is too short to do something fancy, so he's playing it safe. I'd think that was smart, if I believed that Michael were capable of anything fancier than potato skins. Emily (yep, we haven't met her either -- Emily Sprissler - a 30-year-old "master cook" from Las Vegas) says that flambe provides a lot of flavor and a lot of heat. Er...thanks for explaining the relationship between fire and heat, Emily. Marcel considers combining bananas and avocados, hoping to wow the judges. I can't picture those two flavors together, but it doesn't sound bad. Cliff (who? -- Cliff Crooks - a 28-year-old executive chef from West Caldwell, New Jersey) says that every part of his brain is firing. Five minutes left. People set their dishes on fire. Everyone is flaming along merrily except Elia, who can't get hers to light. Apparently, this is because she chose red wine as her alcohol. Marcel interviews that it doesn't have a strong enough alcohol content. Tell that to my friend Tiffany after a Memorial Day at the wineries. Time runs out, and Elia gives up.
Harold and Padma go to taste the food. I guess Ptom wandered off at some point. First up is Marcel, who has made a banana and avocado tart with corn chips, ice cream, and a rum cocktail on the side. It's pretty. Elia has made strawberries with red wine and chocolate flambe sauce. So she put chocolate on strawberries, doused it in wine, and called it a day? Here's a good rule of thumb. If I can make it, it's not an especially good effort on the contestant's part. Betty has made spicy coconut curry, with steamed mussels and mango couscous. Harold asks about Carlos' jalapenos, and is told that they're purely garnish. Suyai has made tequila lime shrimp, with chunky mango and avocado salsa. That sounds great. She's just happy the damn thing caught on fire. Heh. Sam has made espresso shrimp flambeed with sambuca, roasted hazelnut, and peanut paste. Harold seems to like it, though you know Harold. Not the most emotional guy in the world. That's all the entries we see.
Harold says that he was impressed with most of the dishes, especially the ones incorporating seasonal ingredients. As far as the ones he didn't like, he hates non-functional garnish, so he's not happy with Carlos. Elia's red wine disaster sucked as well. Suyai's lacked seasoning, and the shrimp were a little undercooked. On the flip side, Sam, Emily, and Betty all get high marks. Jeez, this show likes to ignore Emily, doesn't it? I know she's not going to be on the cover of Vogue anytime soon, but come on! They do have the grace to at least flash a picture and subtitle of what she prepared, which was sliced pork chops in applesauce, red plums, and Granny Smith apples. Oh my God, that sounds so good. [It is here that the cardinal rule of writing about Top Chef reared its head again. Never sit down to write an entry until you've eaten. I'm starving. -- OK, I'm back. I've got nothing in the apartment, so I had to go out for the nearest thing my neighborhood has to offer: fried chicken and beer. Not quite the gourmet tonight. --Limecrete] When Betty is told she did well, she gives a scarily huge grin and tells Harold that she loves him. Shut up, Betty. Harold announces the winner, giving the proper Dramatic Pause before doing so. The winner is Sam, who says he's "stoked" and that the news is "awesome". Great, man. Perhaps you can make something "tubular" later. The chefs are reminded that Sam is the only one who cannot be eliminated tonight. Elia hopes to bounce back in the next challenge.
Evening. The chefs break out the wine and beer. Otto says that chefs party "like rock stars without the budget". I have no idea what that means. Everyone clinks glasses. Ilan says that everyone had some beers and got a little toasted, while Michael had a few more beers and got more toasted. Michael spills beer on his shirt. I'm shocked. All he needs to do now is break out into "Louie, Louie", and the stereotype is complete. He takes off his shirt, and swaggers off to bed. Carlos and Cliff aren't thrilled to be his roommates, and briefly lock him out of the bedroom. Heh.
Commercials. "If you go to work early, and come home late, you're a Ford kinda guy." Ummm.....OK.
Morning. Michael drags himself into the kitchen. He interviews that the other chefs think he's "crazy". No, the other chefs think you're a loser. There's a non-sequitur into Michael saying that his mother only ever hit him once. Marcel says that maybe she should have hit him a few more times. He may be joking, but he delivers it completely deadpan. This is our cue to hear about how unlikable Marcel is. I can totally buy that he's a dick, but honestly? Who wouldn't like to hit Michael a couple of times? Ilan says that if this were a demeanor competition, Marcel would go home first. Yeah, he'll never win a beauty pageant of kindness. And now, the interview so trite and predictable, my newt saw it coming. Yes, Marcel isn't here to make friends. This is about the food! Sure it is. And according to Limecrete's Rule, Marcel is now eliminated.
Elimination Challenge. The chefs walk into the Kitchen, where all of the judges await. Padma describes the challenge. The chefs will divide into two groups: black and orange. This just serves as a reminder that the Halloween party is on Saturday, and my costume's not done. Got to get on that tomorrow! Teams will be formed randomly by the ever-popular knife drawing. Everyone draws a knife out of the butcher block and splits up. Padma points out some wooden boxes that contain five mystery ingredients. The challenge will be to create a dish that incorporates all five. The orange group (Suyai, Marisa, Ilan, Frank, Carlos, Michael, and Elia) will cook first. The black group will taste their food and vote for their two favorite and two least favorite. Otto interviews that other chefs are the toughest critics. The black group is dismissed. The orange group has two hours to create tasting portions for the black group (and the judges). Go!
The mystery box contains escargot, American cheese, potatoes, artichokes, and peanuts (they're called bar peanuts -- I guess to differentiate them from their fancier roasted cousins). Those certainly are random ingredients. Marisa's response to these ingredients is "Oh, fuck". Indeed. Suyai is nervous. Michael finds the Kitchen eerily quiet. Elia wants to prove herself worthy after her crappy Quickfire performance. Ilan is winging it at this point. Suyai freaks out some more. Marisa says that she was trying to focus on what she was doing, and cut herself with the knife. Guess you weren't so focused, then. Why not "use your sexuality" to heal the cut? Carlos helps her wrap it up. She says she can handle the pain, but worries about losing time. Frankly, I'd be more worried about the puddle of blood over by her ingredients. With forty minutes remaining, Ptom comes in to do his typically unhelpful walkthrough. Marisa shows off her bandaged finger and laughingly asks for a knife lesson after the competition is over.
Elia disdains the cheese to Ptom. She interviews that American cheese is a funky product that shouldn't exist. Hey, you if you don't like it, go back to Oaxaca, traitor! Michael tells Ptom that he grilled the escargot in some garlic butter, and is making an artichoke cheese dip. I'm still waiting to hear an idea out of him that doesn't sound like it belongs at Applebee's. Suyai is still freaking out. She tells Ptom that she is not doing well, and that her only shot right now is that someone messes up more than she has. Ptom asks if she thinks it's a good idea to tell him this. She says she doesn't know what else to say. Ptom nods and walks away with a happy smile, because yay! He now has ammunition to use against someone that has absolutely nothing to do with the food! Prick. Ptom leaves when there are about thirteen minutes left, and interviews about his general impressions, from the difficulty of using processed cheese to Suyai's lack of confidence. One madcap cooking montage later, and we're done. The judges and the black team stride in.
Carlos presents first. He's made an artichoke potato cake with the escargot on the side, and a coconut sambal peanut sauce. Josie interviews that she was disappointed with his dish, saying it's underseasoned, and expected more from a chef who bragged earlier about a four-star review. Which is why these tastings should have been blind. But whatever. Frank has made ravioli, stuffed with the escargot and American cheese. On top of this is a potato, bell pepper, and peanut sauce. Sounds good. I see strips of artichoke lining the plate, but I don't know if they're meant to be eaten or not. Marisa has made a pate brisee tart with snail garnish. Pretentious Chef to English: pate brisee. Noun. A French short-crust pastry dough made of flour, sugar, ice water, salt, and butter. She included some carmalized onion and balsamic vinegar, though we never hear what she did with the actual mystery box ingredients. Michael has made shoestring potatoes with artichoke cheese sauce, and peanut pesto on the escargot. Mia doesn't care for the pesto. Elia has made buttery escargot with the artichoke and American cheese, and mashed potatoes with parsley, ginger, butter, and garlic. She manages to bash American cheese again. Hey, you don't hear me over here carping about how disgusting refried beans are! Oh, wait. Betty is very impressed with Elia's dish. Ilan has baked the escargot into the shell. He's also gotten an impressive amount of work done in the short time span, including poaching the artichokes, chopping the peanuts up, etc. Everyone loves it. Suyai has made braised potatoes and artichokes, and garlic escargot with American cheese sauce. Marcel is unimpressed. I get the feeling I'll be typing that sentence a lot.
The orange team is dismissed. The black team votes. Betty says she'll speak up for the two worst dishes (though she invites anyone to disagree). Carlos and Suyai. Everyone seems to be on board with that. Suyai's had too much vinegar and too much red wine. Emily didn't even want to swallow it. Ouch. Carlos had too many competing flavors. As far as their favorite two, Ilan is mentioned without hesitation. The dish was immaculately presented. Cliff says he should be "damn proud" of it. Betty liked Frank's ravioli, but Elia's is more popular, overall. Ptom asks which of the dishes they'd be happiest with if asked to pay for it in a restaurant. Then Betty interviews that Ptom asked which of the dishes they'd be happiest with if asked to pay for it in a restaurant. Yes, thanks. I actually was present three seconds ago. We don't hear their answer.
Commercials. Cows like earthquakes. Or something.
Time for the black team to get their mystery boxes. Same time limit, of course. Their five ingredients are frog legs, chicken liver, eggplant, cornflakes, and peanut butter. Yeesh. This one seems more difficult. Betty interviews that the five ingredients are frog legs, chicken liver, eggplant, cornflakes, and peanut butter. YES, THANK YOU. I AM, IN FACT, WATCHING THE SHOW. Everyone gets to work. Marcel disdains Otto's habit of grabbing one thing at a time. Well, I disdain your hair, twit. With an hour left, it's Ptimewasting with Ptom. Betty's never used frog legs, but is working off the assumption they taste like chicken. Yeah, they kinda do. She's also pureeing the chicken liver to make into a little cake, which looks disgusting. The puree looks disgusting, that is. Not the overall chicken livers, which are so completely delicious. Man, I love those. Marcel is making frog leg lollipops. Mia is quite pleased with her array of ingredients, making what she calls "Sunday dinner at grandma's house". Cliff says he usually uses cornflakes to line the cat bowl. Heh. For now, he's using them to bread the livers. Otto frets over the time his rice is taking to cook. People plate up. Time runs out. Marcel believes he is going to be in the top three. Marcel must have had a heaping bowl of delusion with breakfast.
He presents first. In addition to the frog leg lollipops, there is a chicken liver puree with garlic and parsley sauces. I don't know where the eggplant and peanut butter are. Marisa says the garlic is overpowering (translation: "I don't like Marcel"). Frank says that Marcel talks a better game than he plays (translation: "I don't like Marcel"). Care to rethink that interview about how you don't need to cultivate friendly relationships, because this competition is all about the food? Betty feels fairly confident in this challenge. She's made a cake from the frog leg and chicken liver meat, a salad, and peanut vinaigrette. Ilan really likes it. Sam has made a tumeric and cornflake-crusted frog leg, with eggplant and caper saute, and a duo of sauces. Me likey capers! Josie calls her dish "East meets West meets Southwest". I guess the North can just suck it. She's made a frog leg nugget, with chicken liver peanut butter, and eggplant jelly. Interesting. I'd actually be curious to try that. Cliff has made the eggplant into a sort of chip, has braised the frog leg, and breaded the chicken liver with cornflakes. Michael doesn't like the chicken liver. Emily has made cornflake and peanut butter-crusted frog legs with grilled eggplant. She's included mint and cilantro and glued it to the rest of the food using peanut butter. Heh. I think I may like Emily. Frank enjoys it. Otto has coated the frog leg in cornflakes and made a rice/chicken liver/vegetable saute with a peanut sauce. Also some brown rice. Ilan interviews that he was surprised at how underseasoned Otto's dish was. Mia has followed through on her Southern-style Sunday dinner. She's made chicken-fried frog leg with garlic mashed eggplant and wilted arugula. Sounds tasty. Michael enjoys her frog legs.
The black team is dismissed. The orange team fairly easily hits upon Betty and Mia as the two favorite, though Emily gets praised as well. When it comes time to discuss their least favorite, Ilan volunteers Otto and Marcel. Everyone rushes to agree about Otto. The seasoning was off, etc. Suyai's quote has to be taken verbatim. "The liver, I found very hard. The liver was, like, 'Hello, I'm a liver.'" Hahahahaha! That's totally going to be the line I find myself shoehorning into conversations this week. Ilan describes the overwhelming garlic in Marcel's dish. Elia disagrees, saying she liked Marcel's simple presentation. Carlos agrees about the overwhelming garlic, and Ilan jumps in to assert his point again. Dude, we've got it. Now it's time for other people to talk. Don't make me break out the conch shell. Carlos picks out Marcel's and Cliff's as the worst. It's generally agreed upon that Cliff's dish wasn't cohesive enough. They have to take a vote to determine who to choose as the worst. Looks like Elia loses out. "Majority rules," Michael smarms. Oh, is that how voting works? Thanks, I was confused.
Commercials. My like for Clint Eastwood battles with my dislike for Ryan Phillippe. Dislike wins.
Judges' Table. Harold thinks the Elimination Challenge was quite difficult as a first challenge. The judges feel that overall, most people did quite well. The orange group showed a lot of versatility. Gail agrees with the chefs' decision to make Elia and Ilan the top two of that group. When it comes to the black group, Ptom liked Betty's cake, but thought the slaw was a throwaway. Harold disagrees, saying it complemented the cake well. Mia's was fantastic. It wasn't the most refined dish, but probably the most satisfying. Padma goes back and calls these four chefs to the table. Elia's nervous, not knowing if this is good or bad news. She soon finds out that it's good. When she's praised, she bashes the American cheese yet again, and said that if she had more time, she would have done something different with the artichokes. Mia showed a personal point of view in a tasty way. She's delighted. Ilan combined wonderful flavors, especially for someone who's never worked with escargot before. Gail, in particular, is more animated than I've ever seen her. Betty showed a sense of style and her cake was a great idea. Harold gets to announce the winner. Dramatic Pause. The winner is Ilan. Mia's face morphs into a death glare. Jeez, you'd think that winning the Elimination Challenge actually carried a single benefit. It still doesn't. All Ilan gets for winning is credit for winning. This is a poorly planned aspect of the show. The Quickfires, by definition, shouldn't be as important as the Elimination Challenge, and yet they're more so. Ilan is happy. Mia continues looking sour. Ptom points out that Harold won the first Elimination Challenge, and went on to win the entire season. No pressure, Ilan.
Padma asks them to send in Suyai, Marcel, Carlos, and Otto. They walk back to the Kitchen. Mia announces Ilan's win, and sends the bottom four to the Judges' Table. She wishes them luck. The bottom four walk in to an odd gong noise on the soundtrack. Otto is asked what he thinks went wrong. He surmises that the rice was undercooked. Harold says that he didn't feel Otto's dish had enough depth. Ptom asks why he should be spared. Otto replies that every chef has a bad day. Suyai admits that she panicked. Gail says that the judges agreed with the chefs voting it a least favorite, but that there were parts of the dish that she enjoyed. Just try to look at the condescending smile Ptom gives Gail at this point and not want to shake him until his teeth rattle. "Silly little woman," it says. Suyai knows she has to step it up. Marcel has no idea why he's standing there, because he's perfect. He says he liked his "utilization" of the mystery "basket" ingredients, by which he means "use" of the mystery "box" ingredients. But those words are shorter, so they must not carry as much meaning. Harold actually agrees that Marcel's dish was fine, and that he does not belong in the bottom four. Since Carlos was part of the team that sent Marcel here, he's asked for his reasoning. He brings up the garlic. Marcel becomes even douchebaggier, as he says that people are just scared that he'll do well, and are trying to get him out of the way so that they'll have less intense competition. He's actually close to the probable real answer, which is that everyone hates his guts. He just thinks it's about the food, and it's...not. Ptom informs us that Carlos was done forty-five minutes early. Carlos admits that he should have taken more time to plan out what he wanted to do. Ptom asks if Carlos would be "proud" to serve the dish in his restaurant. Trick question, since if he says "yes", he'll be nailed for supporting lackluster food, and if he says "no", he'll be nailed for lacking confidence. He wriggles out of it quite nicely by saying that while the dish certainly wasn't his crowning achievement, it wasn't "crap on a plate" either. Well played, Carlos. The chefs are dismissed.
Deliberations. Carlos didn't think his food through enough. There was no complexity to his dish. Gail thinks that no matter what the reason that Marcel was selected as one of the worst, the fact that his peers all agreed that he belonged there has to be taken into consideration. Ptom says that his peers just want to knock him down a peg. That garlic was strong, but nothing on the plate was aggressively bad. Elia is watching this somewhere, cackling and thinking "take that, majority vote". Suyai's nerves got the best of her, which Ptom points out is the first thing she said to him in his walkthrough. OK. I don't like the way Ptom's observations are structured, but he did fairly warn the chefs that they'd be taken into consideration. But just when Ptom starts to make a glimmer of sense, off he goes into Assville again. He says Otto did the same thing, by willingly referencing his undercooked rice. Gail tries to gently point out that they kind of, you know, DIRECTLY ASKED OTTO WHAT HE'D CHANGE ABOUT HIS DISH, but Ptom's not buying. God, I fucking hate him. Harold says that it's important to stand behind your food, implying that you shouldn't come out and admit when something didn't turn out right. Shut up, Harold. You fell on the sword plenty. The judges reach a decision. The bottom four come back in.
Commercials. God bless that lady for at least attempting to do The Worm.
Elimination. One of you has to go. Otto has too much experience to allow undercooked rice to be served. Hey, I thought he was supposed to stand behind it. Christ, if you're going to come up with bullshit critiques, could you at least stick to one? Suyai lacks confidence. Marcel shouldn't be so quick to pawn off his low placement on jealousy. Carlos was unfocused. And the loser is... Suyai. Please pack your knives and go. Wow, it feels so weird to type that without the robot-speak. Padma actually infuses it with a little too much emotion. You're not sending Suyai to the guillotine. Suyai thanks the judges, and goes back to hug everyone good-bye. She's not surprised at her elimination, admitting she pretty much did this to herself. She's not sure what she'll be doing next, but will certainly keep on cooking. She goes out by laughingly saying that at least she knows how to flambe now. Hehehe. Aw, she would have been fun.
This season on Top Chef: Cooking. Fire. Tension. Shopping. Fighting. Bitchy judging. Crying. Threatening. Betty showing an inappropriate amount of boob. I don't know, you guys. If the judging continues to be as arbitrary and unfair, I'm not sure I'm in for the whole season. Consider yourself on probation, Top Chef.
Overall Grade: C
Previously on Top Chef: After the chaff was ditched, we were left with two talented chefs. The forces of Good were represented by genial, easygoing Harold, while the abrasive, conceited Tiffani led the forces of Evil. Harold triumphed, of course, because that's what the forces of Good do on reality shows. Right? RIGHT? Now, it's time to start the whole enterprise again with a fresh set of famewhores. Hooray!
We open with an introduction by our new host, Padma Lakshmi. Yes! The Bot has been deactivated! Padma talks about the pressure, and the passion, and the competition, oh and by the way, did you know that some food will be prepared? Well, it totally will. Out of "thousands" of applicants, the contestant pool has been whittled down to a final fifteen. Observing the chefs will be head "judge" Tom Collichio, known as Ptom around these parts, because all this man should be qualified to judge is how far up his ass I could plant my foot. Gail Simmons of Food & Wine magazine is also back. Welcome back, comparatively unannoying Gail! Padma gives a brief rundown of her own credentials (really just not being KatieBot is enough), including authoring a cookbook and loving all things culinary. Hey, I guess that means I'm 50% qualified to be a judge! All I need to do is dash off a quick cookbook. I'll have to play to my strengths, but I'm not sure "How To Include Soy Sauce In Every Single Dish" will be flying off the shelves. Padma has a large scar on her arm that will likely distract me every single time she's onscreen. One of the contestants will be eliminated each week, until four remain to cook in the finals in Hawaii. Ooh. The grand prize includes state-of-the-art kitchen equipment, a feature in Food & Wine, a chance to cook for the Food & Wine Classic in Aspen, and $100,000.
Opening credits just as boring as last season's.
Hey, the competition's not in San Francisco this year, but Los Angeles. That's a bit disappointing. Ready to meet this year's contestants? If not, too bad!
Josie Smith-Malave is a 31-year-old sous chef at a restaurant in New York. We see a brief glance at her application tape, which includes a shot of her lesbian lovah. Josie looks like she could be a good rollergirl.
Betty Fraser is a 44-year-old ex-actress from Los Angeles, which makes sense, given that she looks like Suzanne Somers with a bigger nose. She's waited a lot of tables, presumably because she couldn't find acting work, and picked up an interest in cooking from that. She now cooks for and owns a restaurant in Los Angeles. I don't even know how to describe how disturbing the shot of her doing wild, flailing, jumping cheers is. Nor the shot of her cooking while wearing a midriff-baring tank top, and her gut hanging out over a black and white miniskirt. Someone needs to take Betty aside, and gently explain that perhaps it's time to leave the ingenue days behind.
Ilan Hall is a 24-year-old line cook from New York City. He's got a touch of the obnoxious faux rocker look about him, which unfortunately seems to be a pervading theme on TV these days. He says he's going to win Top Chef because he wants the prize money. Well, so do I. Guess I've got a shot of winning, too.
Marcel Vigneron is a 26-year-old Stephen knockoff from Las Vegas. I mean, really. Three words out of his mouth, and we already know who the pretentious twit of the season is going to be. He's a "master cook" from Las Vegas, and he's got a flyaway hairstyle that must take fifteen cans of Aqua Net daily to maintain.
Gnat: "I didn't know Jimmy Neutron existed in real life."
He talks about his interest in "molecular gastronomy". Midway through his first interview, and I'm already tired of him. This'll be fun.
Elia Aboumrad is a 23-year-old room service chef from Las Vegas. Don't yell at me. I'm just transcribing the subtitles. It's not my fault she's trying to get away with saying she's twenty-three. She's originally from Mexico, where women who cook are presumed to be interested in marriage only, she tells us. So no women in Mexico prepare food because they're, I don't know, HUNGRY? She does have very pretty hair.
Sam Talbot is a 28-year-old "executive consulting chef" from New York City. I have no idea what that title means. He hopes the show will take his career to "the next level". Tally mark on the Irritating Reality Show Cliche list! Along with the unmentioned "in it to win it" from Josie that I was trying to ignore, we're up to two already. Impressive. Of two brief introductory paragraphs on his Bravo biography, his "good looks" are mentioned four times. Apparently, he's been voted one of New York's sexiest chefs, and if that's true, New York? Time to import some new chefs. Yes, I know you're crowded, but this cannot stand as the benchmark of what your city considers sexy.
I hate to interrupt the introductions, but they're intercut with the chefs moving into their living space, which has to be mentioned. Gone is the International House of Famewhores. These people are apparently staying in a Dickensian workhouse. There are tiny, utilitarian bunk beds set up, the decoration is sparse, and the whole room looks like these guys have been sent to juvie. Marcel and Ilan meet each other and whip out their knives to compare their sizes. The joke practically makes itself. Ilan makes it anyway, saying that next they'll be comparing cocks. He seems to instantly dislike Marcel. Sweet.
Frank Terzoli is a 39-year-old executive chef from San Diego. He's brought along earplugs, but they're not for him; they're for his roommates. Hehehe. He also comments on the prison-like nature of their accommodations. I'm glad someone mentioned how crappy they are, because have I mentioned the twin-sized bunk beds?
Marisa Churchill is a 29-year-old executive pastry chef from San Francisco. Finally, someone who knows how to make dessert! In her application tape, she brags that she uses her sexuality to her advantage, and as with pretty much all people who herald themselves for their allure, she ain't all that. The shot of her ass gets honest-to-God blurs, though I don't know if they're covering a logo on her jeans or actual cheek sticking out. If it's the latter, she's dead to me.
Suyai Steinhauer is a 28-year-old chef and owner of a catering company from New York City. She's originally from England, and has a nifty accent. Her name is pronounced with a J-sound in the middle. She was bulimic for many years, and got into food as a way of healing her eating disorder. Gnat and I come up with similar remarks along the lines of "you healed it!" at about the same time. Man, we're bitches.
Michael Midgley is a 28-year-old line cook from Lodi, California. He wants to own a sports bar, and is definitely working the dirty slob look. Bleh. He notes that the other contestants have more experience, but that he's got balls. Thank you for telling me about your balls. Kindly never mention them again. He says he's ready to "rock and roll". Tally mark!
Carlos Fernandez is a 36-year-old chef and owner of a cafe in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. He owns the cafe with his life partner of the last twelve years, and they just got their first four-star review. Good for them, but I'm less impressed with that than with the fact that these two can live and work together for twelve years without resorting to murder. Private time, people. It can't be overestimated. He's self-taught, and wants to show those people with their snooty culinary degrees that he can be successful.
Mia Gaines-Alt is a 32-year-old chef and owner of a catering restaurant in Oakdale, California. Her mother and husband are "holding the torch" for her while she competes, and I'd love to know how the working relationship is between those two. If she wins, the money's going to be put right back into her business. I like a practical thinker.
That's not all the chefs, but they're hurrying us along into the Quickfire Challenge anyway. The chefs stream into the new Kitchen, which is bigger and uglier than the one in San Francisco. They're met by Padma, Ptom, and Harold, who's still cute, but needs to stand up straight. God, I sound like my mother. Harold will be this week's guest judge. Nice. Ptom goes into his first smug speech of the season, and it's worth analyzing what he has to say. "I know everybody's excited to start cooking, but first a little housekeeping. I am not the chef here, and I am not your mentor; I'm the head judge. I will be making trips into the Kitchen, asking questions, and observing you. I will take those observations back to the Judges' Table, and share them with the other judges. Good luck." OK, let's just plug that into the Ptom to English Translator. "I am NOT Tim Gunn. I am NOT Tim Gunn. I am NOT Tim Gunn. I know everyone hates my guts, but making sure I don't come off as a smarmy dickhead takes way too much time and effort for me to bother. Hear that, audience?" What gives, here? Either Bravo or Ptom himself is clearly desperate to distance him from Tim, but why would you want to distance yourself from Tim? Tim Gunn rocks. Nobody but delusional freaks like Vincent has anything but glowing things to say about him, and he gives friendly, but frank criticism. I'm sorry that Ptom lacks the personality to be the same kind of authority figure, but then maybe they shouldn't have asked his conceited ass back. Or, if they want his crabby commentary at the Judges' Table that much, send someone else into the Kitchen to be an observer, if not a mentor. Padma, perhaps?
That unpleasant disclaimer out of the way, Padma tells the chefs they'll have to survive through twelve rounds to get to the finals. In each round there will be a Quickfire Challenge and an Elimination Challenge. If a chef wins the Quickfire Challenge, they are immune from elimination in the latter. Padma announces that suitably, the first Quickfire challenge involves quickness and fire. The chefs will have to create a flambe dish (sorry, I don't bother with accent marks; they're too time-consuming), using any alcohol and ingredients provided in the Kitchen. Otto, who we haven't even been introduced to yet (Otto Borisch - a 46-year-old chef instructor from Las Vegas), says that flambe is as simple as tipping a high alcohol-content liquid towards a gas flame. Suyai has never studied the flambe technique, so she's nervous. The chefs have twenty minutes to prepare their dishes. Go!
Sam wants to win immunity. Michael thinks the time limit is too short to do something fancy, so he's playing it safe. I'd think that was smart, if I believed that Michael were capable of anything fancier than potato skins. Emily (yep, we haven't met her either -- Emily Sprissler - a 30-year-old "master cook" from Las Vegas) says that flambe provides a lot of flavor and a lot of heat. Er...thanks for explaining the relationship between fire and heat, Emily. Marcel considers combining bananas and avocados, hoping to wow the judges. I can't picture those two flavors together, but it doesn't sound bad. Cliff (who? -- Cliff Crooks - a 28-year-old executive chef from West Caldwell, New Jersey) says that every part of his brain is firing. Five minutes left. People set their dishes on fire. Everyone is flaming along merrily except Elia, who can't get hers to light. Apparently, this is because she chose red wine as her alcohol. Marcel interviews that it doesn't have a strong enough alcohol content. Tell that to my friend Tiffany after a Memorial Day at the wineries. Time runs out, and Elia gives up.
Harold and Padma go to taste the food. I guess Ptom wandered off at some point. First up is Marcel, who has made a banana and avocado tart with corn chips, ice cream, and a rum cocktail on the side. It's pretty. Elia has made strawberries with red wine and chocolate flambe sauce. So she put chocolate on strawberries, doused it in wine, and called it a day? Here's a good rule of thumb. If I can make it, it's not an especially good effort on the contestant's part. Betty has made spicy coconut curry, with steamed mussels and mango couscous. Harold asks about Carlos' jalapenos, and is told that they're purely garnish. Suyai has made tequila lime shrimp, with chunky mango and avocado salsa. That sounds great. She's just happy the damn thing caught on fire. Heh. Sam has made espresso shrimp flambeed with sambuca, roasted hazelnut, and peanut paste. Harold seems to like it, though you know Harold. Not the most emotional guy in the world. That's all the entries we see.
Harold says that he was impressed with most of the dishes, especially the ones incorporating seasonal ingredients. As far as the ones he didn't like, he hates non-functional garnish, so he's not happy with Carlos. Elia's red wine disaster sucked as well. Suyai's lacked seasoning, and the shrimp were a little undercooked. On the flip side, Sam, Emily, and Betty all get high marks. Jeez, this show likes to ignore Emily, doesn't it? I know she's not going to be on the cover of Vogue anytime soon, but come on! They do have the grace to at least flash a picture and subtitle of what she prepared, which was sliced pork chops in applesauce, red plums, and Granny Smith apples. Oh my God, that sounds so good. [It is here that the cardinal rule of writing about Top Chef reared its head again. Never sit down to write an entry until you've eaten. I'm starving. -- OK, I'm back. I've got nothing in the apartment, so I had to go out for the nearest thing my neighborhood has to offer: fried chicken and beer. Not quite the gourmet tonight. --Limecrete] When Betty is told she did well, she gives a scarily huge grin and tells Harold that she loves him. Shut up, Betty. Harold announces the winner, giving the proper Dramatic Pause before doing so. The winner is Sam, who says he's "stoked" and that the news is "awesome". Great, man. Perhaps you can make something "tubular" later. The chefs are reminded that Sam is the only one who cannot be eliminated tonight. Elia hopes to bounce back in the next challenge.
Evening. The chefs break out the wine and beer. Otto says that chefs party "like rock stars without the budget". I have no idea what that means. Everyone clinks glasses. Ilan says that everyone had some beers and got a little toasted, while Michael had a few more beers and got more toasted. Michael spills beer on his shirt. I'm shocked. All he needs to do now is break out into "Louie, Louie", and the stereotype is complete. He takes off his shirt, and swaggers off to bed. Carlos and Cliff aren't thrilled to be his roommates, and briefly lock him out of the bedroom. Heh.
Commercials. "If you go to work early, and come home late, you're a Ford kinda guy." Ummm.....OK.
Morning. Michael drags himself into the kitchen. He interviews that the other chefs think he's "crazy". No, the other chefs think you're a loser. There's a non-sequitur into Michael saying that his mother only ever hit him once. Marcel says that maybe she should have hit him a few more times. He may be joking, but he delivers it completely deadpan. This is our cue to hear about how unlikable Marcel is. I can totally buy that he's a dick, but honestly? Who wouldn't like to hit Michael a couple of times? Ilan says that if this were a demeanor competition, Marcel would go home first. Yeah, he'll never win a beauty pageant of kindness. And now, the interview so trite and predictable, my newt saw it coming. Yes, Marcel isn't here to make friends. This is about the food! Sure it is. And according to Limecrete's Rule, Marcel is now eliminated.
Elimination Challenge. The chefs walk into the Kitchen, where all of the judges await. Padma describes the challenge. The chefs will divide into two groups: black and orange. This just serves as a reminder that the Halloween party is on Saturday, and my costume's not done. Got to get on that tomorrow! Teams will be formed randomly by the ever-popular knife drawing. Everyone draws a knife out of the butcher block and splits up. Padma points out some wooden boxes that contain five mystery ingredients. The challenge will be to create a dish that incorporates all five. The orange group (Suyai, Marisa, Ilan, Frank, Carlos, Michael, and Elia) will cook first. The black group will taste their food and vote for their two favorite and two least favorite. Otto interviews that other chefs are the toughest critics. The black group is dismissed. The orange group has two hours to create tasting portions for the black group (and the judges). Go!
The mystery box contains escargot, American cheese, potatoes, artichokes, and peanuts (they're called bar peanuts -- I guess to differentiate them from their fancier roasted cousins). Those certainly are random ingredients. Marisa's response to these ingredients is "Oh, fuck". Indeed. Suyai is nervous. Michael finds the Kitchen eerily quiet. Elia wants to prove herself worthy after her crappy Quickfire performance. Ilan is winging it at this point. Suyai freaks out some more. Marisa says that she was trying to focus on what she was doing, and cut herself with the knife. Guess you weren't so focused, then. Why not "use your sexuality" to heal the cut? Carlos helps her wrap it up. She says she can handle the pain, but worries about losing time. Frankly, I'd be more worried about the puddle of blood over by her ingredients. With forty minutes remaining, Ptom comes in to do his typically unhelpful walkthrough. Marisa shows off her bandaged finger and laughingly asks for a knife lesson after the competition is over.
Elia disdains the cheese to Ptom. She interviews that American cheese is a funky product that shouldn't exist. Hey, you if you don't like it, go back to Oaxaca, traitor! Michael tells Ptom that he grilled the escargot in some garlic butter, and is making an artichoke cheese dip. I'm still waiting to hear an idea out of him that doesn't sound like it belongs at Applebee's. Suyai is still freaking out. She tells Ptom that she is not doing well, and that her only shot right now is that someone messes up more than she has. Ptom asks if she thinks it's a good idea to tell him this. She says she doesn't know what else to say. Ptom nods and walks away with a happy smile, because yay! He now has ammunition to use against someone that has absolutely nothing to do with the food! Prick. Ptom leaves when there are about thirteen minutes left, and interviews about his general impressions, from the difficulty of using processed cheese to Suyai's lack of confidence. One madcap cooking montage later, and we're done. The judges and the black team stride in.
Carlos presents first. He's made an artichoke potato cake with the escargot on the side, and a coconut sambal peanut sauce. Josie interviews that she was disappointed with his dish, saying it's underseasoned, and expected more from a chef who bragged earlier about a four-star review. Which is why these tastings should have been blind. But whatever. Frank has made ravioli, stuffed with the escargot and American cheese. On top of this is a potato, bell pepper, and peanut sauce. Sounds good. I see strips of artichoke lining the plate, but I don't know if they're meant to be eaten or not. Marisa has made a pate brisee tart with snail garnish. Pretentious Chef to English: pate brisee. Noun. A French short-crust pastry dough made of flour, sugar, ice water, salt, and butter. She included some carmalized onion and balsamic vinegar, though we never hear what she did with the actual mystery box ingredients. Michael has made shoestring potatoes with artichoke cheese sauce, and peanut pesto on the escargot. Mia doesn't care for the pesto. Elia has made buttery escargot with the artichoke and American cheese, and mashed potatoes with parsley, ginger, butter, and garlic. She manages to bash American cheese again. Hey, you don't hear me over here carping about how disgusting refried beans are! Oh, wait. Betty is very impressed with Elia's dish. Ilan has baked the escargot into the shell. He's also gotten an impressive amount of work done in the short time span, including poaching the artichokes, chopping the peanuts up, etc. Everyone loves it. Suyai has made braised potatoes and artichokes, and garlic escargot with American cheese sauce. Marcel is unimpressed. I get the feeling I'll be typing that sentence a lot.
The orange team is dismissed. The black team votes. Betty says she'll speak up for the two worst dishes (though she invites anyone to disagree). Carlos and Suyai. Everyone seems to be on board with that. Suyai's had too much vinegar and too much red wine. Emily didn't even want to swallow it. Ouch. Carlos had too many competing flavors. As far as their favorite two, Ilan is mentioned without hesitation. The dish was immaculately presented. Cliff says he should be "damn proud" of it. Betty liked Frank's ravioli, but Elia's is more popular, overall. Ptom asks which of the dishes they'd be happiest with if asked to pay for it in a restaurant. Then Betty interviews that Ptom asked which of the dishes they'd be happiest with if asked to pay for it in a restaurant. Yes, thanks. I actually was present three seconds ago. We don't hear their answer.
Commercials. Cows like earthquakes. Or something.
Time for the black team to get their mystery boxes. Same time limit, of course. Their five ingredients are frog legs, chicken liver, eggplant, cornflakes, and peanut butter. Yeesh. This one seems more difficult. Betty interviews that the five ingredients are frog legs, chicken liver, eggplant, cornflakes, and peanut butter. YES, THANK YOU. I AM, IN FACT, WATCHING THE SHOW. Everyone gets to work. Marcel disdains Otto's habit of grabbing one thing at a time. Well, I disdain your hair, twit. With an hour left, it's Ptimewasting with Ptom. Betty's never used frog legs, but is working off the assumption they taste like chicken. Yeah, they kinda do. She's also pureeing the chicken liver to make into a little cake, which looks disgusting. The puree looks disgusting, that is. Not the overall chicken livers, which are so completely delicious. Man, I love those. Marcel is making frog leg lollipops. Mia is quite pleased with her array of ingredients, making what she calls "Sunday dinner at grandma's house". Cliff says he usually uses cornflakes to line the cat bowl. Heh. For now, he's using them to bread the livers. Otto frets over the time his rice is taking to cook. People plate up. Time runs out. Marcel believes he is going to be in the top three. Marcel must have had a heaping bowl of delusion with breakfast.
He presents first. In addition to the frog leg lollipops, there is a chicken liver puree with garlic and parsley sauces. I don't know where the eggplant and peanut butter are. Marisa says the garlic is overpowering (translation: "I don't like Marcel"). Frank says that Marcel talks a better game than he plays (translation: "I don't like Marcel"). Care to rethink that interview about how you don't need to cultivate friendly relationships, because this competition is all about the food? Betty feels fairly confident in this challenge. She's made a cake from the frog leg and chicken liver meat, a salad, and peanut vinaigrette. Ilan really likes it. Sam has made a tumeric and cornflake-crusted frog leg, with eggplant and caper saute, and a duo of sauces. Me likey capers! Josie calls her dish "East meets West meets Southwest". I guess the North can just suck it. She's made a frog leg nugget, with chicken liver peanut butter, and eggplant jelly. Interesting. I'd actually be curious to try that. Cliff has made the eggplant into a sort of chip, has braised the frog leg, and breaded the chicken liver with cornflakes. Michael doesn't like the chicken liver. Emily has made cornflake and peanut butter-crusted frog legs with grilled eggplant. She's included mint and cilantro and glued it to the rest of the food using peanut butter. Heh. I think I may like Emily. Frank enjoys it. Otto has coated the frog leg in cornflakes and made a rice/chicken liver/vegetable saute with a peanut sauce. Also some brown rice. Ilan interviews that he was surprised at how underseasoned Otto's dish was. Mia has followed through on her Southern-style Sunday dinner. She's made chicken-fried frog leg with garlic mashed eggplant and wilted arugula. Sounds tasty. Michael enjoys her frog legs.
The black team is dismissed. The orange team fairly easily hits upon Betty and Mia as the two favorite, though Emily gets praised as well. When it comes time to discuss their least favorite, Ilan volunteers Otto and Marcel. Everyone rushes to agree about Otto. The seasoning was off, etc. Suyai's quote has to be taken verbatim. "The liver, I found very hard. The liver was, like, 'Hello, I'm a liver.'" Hahahahaha! That's totally going to be the line I find myself shoehorning into conversations this week. Ilan describes the overwhelming garlic in Marcel's dish. Elia disagrees, saying she liked Marcel's simple presentation. Carlos agrees about the overwhelming garlic, and Ilan jumps in to assert his point again. Dude, we've got it. Now it's time for other people to talk. Don't make me break out the conch shell. Carlos picks out Marcel's and Cliff's as the worst. It's generally agreed upon that Cliff's dish wasn't cohesive enough. They have to take a vote to determine who to choose as the worst. Looks like Elia loses out. "Majority rules," Michael smarms. Oh, is that how voting works? Thanks, I was confused.
Commercials. My like for Clint Eastwood battles with my dislike for Ryan Phillippe. Dislike wins.
Judges' Table. Harold thinks the Elimination Challenge was quite difficult as a first challenge. The judges feel that overall, most people did quite well. The orange group showed a lot of versatility. Gail agrees with the chefs' decision to make Elia and Ilan the top two of that group. When it comes to the black group, Ptom liked Betty's cake, but thought the slaw was a throwaway. Harold disagrees, saying it complemented the cake well. Mia's was fantastic. It wasn't the most refined dish, but probably the most satisfying. Padma goes back and calls these four chefs to the table. Elia's nervous, not knowing if this is good or bad news. She soon finds out that it's good. When she's praised, she bashes the American cheese yet again, and said that if she had more time, she would have done something different with the artichokes. Mia showed a personal point of view in a tasty way. She's delighted. Ilan combined wonderful flavors, especially for someone who's never worked with escargot before. Gail, in particular, is more animated than I've ever seen her. Betty showed a sense of style and her cake was a great idea. Harold gets to announce the winner. Dramatic Pause. The winner is Ilan. Mia's face morphs into a death glare. Jeez, you'd think that winning the Elimination Challenge actually carried a single benefit. It still doesn't. All Ilan gets for winning is credit for winning. This is a poorly planned aspect of the show. The Quickfires, by definition, shouldn't be as important as the Elimination Challenge, and yet they're more so. Ilan is happy. Mia continues looking sour. Ptom points out that Harold won the first Elimination Challenge, and went on to win the entire season. No pressure, Ilan.
Padma asks them to send in Suyai, Marcel, Carlos, and Otto. They walk back to the Kitchen. Mia announces Ilan's win, and sends the bottom four to the Judges' Table. She wishes them luck. The bottom four walk in to an odd gong noise on the soundtrack. Otto is asked what he thinks went wrong. He surmises that the rice was undercooked. Harold says that he didn't feel Otto's dish had enough depth. Ptom asks why he should be spared. Otto replies that every chef has a bad day. Suyai admits that she panicked. Gail says that the judges agreed with the chefs voting it a least favorite, but that there were parts of the dish that she enjoyed. Just try to look at the condescending smile Ptom gives Gail at this point and not want to shake him until his teeth rattle. "Silly little woman," it says. Suyai knows she has to step it up. Marcel has no idea why he's standing there, because he's perfect. He says he liked his "utilization" of the mystery "basket" ingredients, by which he means "use" of the mystery "box" ingredients. But those words are shorter, so they must not carry as much meaning. Harold actually agrees that Marcel's dish was fine, and that he does not belong in the bottom four. Since Carlos was part of the team that sent Marcel here, he's asked for his reasoning. He brings up the garlic. Marcel becomes even douchebaggier, as he says that people are just scared that he'll do well, and are trying to get him out of the way so that they'll have less intense competition. He's actually close to the probable real answer, which is that everyone hates his guts. He just thinks it's about the food, and it's...not. Ptom informs us that Carlos was done forty-five minutes early. Carlos admits that he should have taken more time to plan out what he wanted to do. Ptom asks if Carlos would be "proud" to serve the dish in his restaurant. Trick question, since if he says "yes", he'll be nailed for supporting lackluster food, and if he says "no", he'll be nailed for lacking confidence. He wriggles out of it quite nicely by saying that while the dish certainly wasn't his crowning achievement, it wasn't "crap on a plate" either. Well played, Carlos. The chefs are dismissed.
Deliberations. Carlos didn't think his food through enough. There was no complexity to his dish. Gail thinks that no matter what the reason that Marcel was selected as one of the worst, the fact that his peers all agreed that he belonged there has to be taken into consideration. Ptom says that his peers just want to knock him down a peg. That garlic was strong, but nothing on the plate was aggressively bad. Elia is watching this somewhere, cackling and thinking "take that, majority vote". Suyai's nerves got the best of her, which Ptom points out is the first thing she said to him in his walkthrough. OK. I don't like the way Ptom's observations are structured, but he did fairly warn the chefs that they'd be taken into consideration. But just when Ptom starts to make a glimmer of sense, off he goes into Assville again. He says Otto did the same thing, by willingly referencing his undercooked rice. Gail tries to gently point out that they kind of, you know, DIRECTLY ASKED OTTO WHAT HE'D CHANGE ABOUT HIS DISH, but Ptom's not buying. God, I fucking hate him. Harold says that it's important to stand behind your food, implying that you shouldn't come out and admit when something didn't turn out right. Shut up, Harold. You fell on the sword plenty. The judges reach a decision. The bottom four come back in.
Commercials. God bless that lady for at least attempting to do The Worm.
Elimination. One of you has to go. Otto has too much experience to allow undercooked rice to be served. Hey, I thought he was supposed to stand behind it. Christ, if you're going to come up with bullshit critiques, could you at least stick to one? Suyai lacks confidence. Marcel shouldn't be so quick to pawn off his low placement on jealousy. Carlos was unfocused. And the loser is... Suyai. Please pack your knives and go. Wow, it feels so weird to type that without the robot-speak. Padma actually infuses it with a little too much emotion. You're not sending Suyai to the guillotine. Suyai thanks the judges, and goes back to hug everyone good-bye. She's not surprised at her elimination, admitting she pretty much did this to herself. She's not sure what she'll be doing next, but will certainly keep on cooking. She goes out by laughingly saying that at least she knows how to flambe now. Hehehe. Aw, she would have been fun.
This season on Top Chef: Cooking. Fire. Tension. Shopping. Fighting. Bitchy judging. Crying. Threatening. Betty showing an inappropriate amount of boob. I don't know, you guys. If the judging continues to be as arbitrary and unfair, I'm not sure I'm in for the whole season. Consider yourself on probation, Top Chef.
Overall Grade: C
Monday, October 23, 2006
Finale - Part II
Project Runway - Season 3, Episode 14
Previously on Project Runway: The four finalists were told to design twelve looks for Fashion Week. Tim visited everyone. Laura accused Jeffrey of having outside help. Tim promised to look into it. Tonight, someone will be crowned the winner of Project Runway. Good. I don't think I could take another filler episode.
No opening credits. Because this is serious business this week.
New York. One and a half days until the runway show. In the workroom, Uli is wishing this whole cheating blowup never happened. Laura compares Jeffrey to an athlete on steroids. It's pretty much based on conjecture, but she admits as much. She and Jeffrey talk, and she's saying that if he has the receipts to back everything up, there will be no problem. Jeffrey says that what's really upsetting is Laura calling his integrity into question. "I never questioned your integrity," Laura says, and while I generally like her, and generally dislike Jeffrey -- BULLSHIT. Jeffrey storms off. Soon after, he receives a call from Tim, saying that the producers can't find all the receipts from a particular pleating business. Or something. He asks Jeffrey to call them and have them fax the missing receipts. If he can't get them, they'll deal with the issue again. Jeffrey disdains the business for keeping sloppy records. Yes, this is coming from the guy who handed over one giant wad of receipts to Tim. Good catch. Jeffrey calls the business and asks about the missing receipts. He's scared that this tiny omission will lead to not being able to show at Bryant Park.
Evening. Morning. Everyone looks completely dead, and over the entire enterprise. Yeah, I feel them. Maybe you could just have a one-part finale next season, Bravo? In the workroom, Jeffrey places a call to Tim, and leaves a message. He begins work on a simple skirt, in case the shorts that the missing receipts pertain to are disqualified. Good thinking. Eight hours left. Tim comes in, and gathers the designers. He says that after a thorough investigation, he is absolutely confident that Jeffrey did the work himself. OK, Tim's word is good enough for me. Please ignore all that blather I spewed last week. Jeffrey breaks down in tears of relief, and Uli hugs him. It's not entirely good news, as Tim tells him that the shorts will, indeed, need to be taken out of the collection, due to the missing receipts. Not only that, but he is the only designer to have gone overbudget, by $227.95. I hope they would have investigated everyone's receipts anyway, and didn't just do this because of the whole cheating scandal. Jeffrey will need to remove something from the collection, and the judges will be informed that he didn't stay within the budget. This will turn out to have absolutely no effect on the judging, so why it's even a rule, let alone is brought up here, is beyond me.
Tim says that the show stresses fairness very strongly, and he's confident that tomorrow's show will be an even playing field. I read in a later interview with Tim that he was actually glad Laura brought up her suspicions when she did, because it would have been twice as awful if Jeffrey had won, and then she called foul. Good point. Laura shakes Jeffrey's hand and says that she'll meet him on the runway. There's even a little half hug. Jeffrey says that he has no further issue with Laura (which he immediately belies by snotting about her inexperience), and Laura says that she's more than happy to compete against Jeffrey on the runway. She says it was never a goal of hers to get him disqualified, which I entirely believe. I think her accusations may have come from reasoning that was overly vague, but they were never motivated by personal reasons.
One hour left. Everyone packs up their clothing. Michael feels good. Uli thinks she has a strong collection. Jeffrey loses the blonde wigs to meet the budget, and substitutes the denim skirt he just made for the disqualified leather bubble shorts. I don't know if Laura (or even Jeffrey) knows it, but I think she just accidentally bumped up the quality of his collection a big notch. The wigs were stupid, and the denim skirt is far prettier than the shorts ever were. Tim enters for a final "gather round". He has the velvet bag. He tears up a little as he talks about how proud he is of the finalists. Aw, I love Tim. He says that they're all winners, and he means it in a very real sense; not in a sense of second place in an elementary school science fair which I should have won, because that reproduction of the solar system that took all night was amazing, and all Blake did was that lame poster where the lightbulbs light up because there are little bits of wire on the back! Sorry, where was I? He dismisses them, but brings them back for a group hug. Heh. So what was the velvet bag for? Stop showing the velvet bag, and then not using it! I guess he drew the order the designers would show in, and they just didn't air it.
Morning. 4:15 AM to be precise. Ugh. Jeffrey said he got two hours' sleep. Laura says that she's glad Jeffrey will be showing, because she wants to beat him on the runway; not the accountant's office. Everyone heads out. Michael tries to calm himself down. Calm himself down? The most animated I've ever seen him was a tiny little boogie dance. It's still dark as they approach Bryant Park, but the drizzle that seems to have been falling when everyone first stirred appears to have dissipated. Uli says that this is the biggest day of her life. They enter the tent, and act suitably impressed. I know the show is trying to go out with a bang, and I don't begrudge them that. But there's not even a stage. It's just a flat runway on the floor in a bland, white room. The regular runway is more impressive than this. There are a lot of seats, though. Jeffrey wants to prove he belongs here. Michael's ready to buckle down and work.
Commercials. I don't understand advertising Barbies at this hour. I don't see them advertising cars during Saturday morning cartoons.
Two hours until the show. Guests arrive. The models are going through hair and makeup backstage. Unfortunately, there's no eleventh hour emergency, like Danzzz's missing purses or Chloe's hair issues to keep us in suspense. Michael freaks out that everything has to be perfect. One hour. The tent fills up. Laura is wearing her hair down, thank God. Half an hour. The eliminated designers and the finalists' families are in the audience, as are Chloe, Danzzz, and...Brandy? Whatever. Tim tells Laura she has ten minutes. Her hair's down. She fits a dress to a model. Her hair's up. She's fitting the model from a different angle. Her hair's down. Stop it, I'm gonna barf! Uli's ready to show the world what she can do. Michael's glad for the opportunity. Jeffrey feels amazing. And...time.
Heidi comes out onto the runway. Everyone claps and "woo!"s. Her dress is ugly. Michael Kors is wearing his sunglasses indoors again, which makes me want to punch him. Heidi introduces the judges, including guest judge Fern Mallis, creator of Fashion Week. Ooh, I love Fern! Let's start the show. The first designer to present is Jeffrey. He comes out and greets his family, including his parents, a beaming Melanie, and a crying Harrison. Heh. Hey, Jeffrey's dad is kind of cute! Jeffrey introduces his collection and goes backstage. I should say at the outset of his show that the music that he's chosen is terrible. It's ponderous and pensive, and doesn't match his collection at all. Out first is a red dress with white polka dots. There are swathes of solid red fabric peeking out in a couple of areas. I like it, although I could do without the white straps hanging down, and the model is kind of ugly. Next is the same polka dot material, but as a swimsuit. The model is also wearing a see-through jacket over it. Meh. Third is the same polka dot material as a babydoll dress (I think). The polka dot fabric is covered by a layer of see-through white fabric, and the bustier is also white. I like it. The model shouldn't lead with her stomach, though. It makes her look more pregnant than Laura. Stand up straight, troglodyte! Oof, I don't even know how to describe this next one. It's good, though. It's a red, checked, v-neck top that only covers the boobs in front, but widens to cover the shoulders and has sleeves. The rest is a fan of white straps, and she has white pants on. The next dress is half red/white stripes and half blue (or black)/white stripes, and the two colors each occupy a vertical half. It's all right. Next is a more typical Jeffrey outfit. The same blue or black striped fabric, but with a random swath of solid fabric in front of it, and a denim jacket. It's messy and uneven. Next is a shimmery silver tank top with a white jacket (edged with black), and white pants. There's a green/white striped handbag that doesn't really seem to go with the outfit, but whatever. Next is a sort of cadet blue dress that widens at the thighs. It looks like an upside-down heart shape. God, am I terrible at describing these. Next is a royal blue dress with pleating at the bottom. Then, the same royal blue, but over a pattern mixing the blue with white. It almost looks like a sky with clouds. It's neat. The next outfit is a shiny silver shirt with tan leather pants (complete with patches) and a green/white striped jacket. Claaaaaaashy. Finally, Marilinda in the same green/white striped fabric, but with interesting seams running all over fashioned into zippers. She looks good. In fact, that entire collection was worlds better than I was expecting it to be. Applause, etc.
Uli emerges and gleefully greets the audience. She's thankful for all the opportunities she's been given, and gives a shoutout to her family. She runs backstage. Her first outfit is classic Uli. It's a long print dress, kind of like giraffe stripes. The next one is a departure for her. It's dark tan, with a shimmery silver sash and belt, which is fastened with an animal tooth clasp. Neat! The next is the same two colors, but the dark tan is a skirt, while the shimmering silver is a sleeveless keyhole top, with one of those built-in chokers that I think are so pretty. Next is a rather dull, gray, thigh-length dress with a bit of fringe at the bottom, and it's accented by a necklace that looks like it's made out of handcuffs. Next, a prettier, shorter version of the same dress, but with a different silhouette. Oh, and the model's way prettier. That probably helps. Next is Amanda, working it in brown shorts and a shimmering, silver tank top. She really is a fantastic model. Next is a far less talented model, not working a tan, flowing dress with accents of silver. Next is another print dress, with fabric extremely similar, if not identical to, the dress that won Uli the freestyle challenge. Next is another print, but this in a brown and yellow fabric that is totally gorgeous. The model reaches down, and for a horrible moment, I thought she was going to pick a wedgie. But no, the dress unbuttons to reveal a matching bikini underneath. Stunning. Next is a purple print with zebra stripe accents, and an ill-advised center line of reflective material. This is a bit too Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk. Next, another giraffe-stripe print, but in a different silhouette. Finally, Nazri in a drop-dead gorgeous green jungle print that flows easily at the bottom. Applause, etc.
Commercials. I don't want to live in a world where people falling down isn't funny.
Big ol' pregnant Laura comes out. She says that she came on Project Runway hoping to make it big in the fashion world, and she did it! She pats her belly. Hehehe. That's corny, but she sold it. She walks backstage. High heels cannot be comfortable in her state. Ah, the music! Gnat about leaps out of her skin with glee. It's a very jaunty, flapperesque tune, like something you'd hear in the '20s, and I love it. Heidi's already dancing along. The first dress is a camel shade of brown, and is a turtleneck, with sparkly beading starting at about the navel and becoming more dense at the bottom. Lovely. The model has gorgeous, long, straight, red hair. Next is a dress that looks kind of like a rock garden. That's just what leapt immediately to mind when I saw it. There's a band of black around the breastline, and the cups don't seem to fit very well. I'm not feeling this one. The next dress is almost like a white negligee, with feathers at the bottom. Next is an odd outfit that consists of sparkly black shorts, a metallic gold blazer, and a puff of gold fabric at the shoulder. Next is a partially see-through, floor-length black dress, with amazing detail. Note to model: black bra next time. Next is a similarly see-through detailed black dress, but with black fur as the shoulders. Pretty! Next is sort of a combination of previous dresses. The top is the see-through black detail, the bottom is composed of black feathers. The next dress is black, with crisscross designs, and a cowl of black feathers at each shoulder. Next is a model with a terrible, terrible walk. The dress is black, and also has two cowls of black feathers, this time as the cup of the breasts. Next is a black dress that I'd usually dislike, because it has multiple layers of fringe. I'm anti-multiple layers AND anti-fringe. And yet this works. Helping are the loose bands around the ankles, which whip around awesomely. Next, a black suit with tight-fitting pants that look kind of like vinyl, and another detailed top. Finally, Camilla in a beautiful gray spangly dress with a sash of mustard yellow around the waist. Applause, etc. I'm so tired of describing clothes. Must! Get! Through!
The crowd goes nuts for Michael. He explains that his collection is called "Street Safari" and is about a woman on the hunt to discover who she is. Oh, dear. Judging from the first outfit, the woman's going to discover that she's a stone-cold hoochie. It's a sleeveless white dress with a collar that is open in the chest, and is crisscrossed with white laces. There's also a blindingly gold belt. Another terrible walk. Gnat says that it looks like the model's head is about to fall off. Next is a pair of white shorts and a knotted top. Next, a variation on the first outfit, but as a short skirt instead of a dress. Next, tight white pants, an open white shirt, and those awful sequined pockets that made me want to hurl last week. Oof. Next is a jungle green outfit, and I'm sorry to use the word "hoochie" so much, but there's just no other way to describe it. The next one, I like. It's a short...I guess you'd call it a sundress. It's just as risque, but it's a fiery yellow/orange color that I love. The next is dark orange shorts and a midriff-baring, matching top with a tall collar. Next, a magenta dress with the same laced chest and gold belt as the first. Next is a slinky, metallic, gold bathing suit. It's hot. Then there a print minidress with a leather belt. Another swimsuit, this one in crisscrossing white fabric. Finally, Clarissa in a longer version of the print minidress. Oh, Michael. I'm just so...let down. Applause, etc.
After show interviews. All four finalists are thrilled with the response they're getting. Brandy loved Michael and Uli's collections. A suit from WalMart says he's there to see what's going on the fashion world. I assume he's hiding his cloven hoofs with some nice shoes. Chloe apologizes to Michael via the camera, but thinks Uli's was the best. Some suit from L'oreal liked Laura's collection. The WalMart devil liked Uli's collection, but liked Michael more over the course of the season. And God damn it, we have to check in with Raymundo again. Why am I still seeing his face? He sucked, and got chunked third! Some random woman liked Jeffrey's passion. Heidi asks the WalMart devil if anyone's going to be picked up for his store. Elsewhere, Laura, Michael, Uli, and Jeffrey simultaneously shudder violently, and don't know why. Kayne thinks Uli rocked the shit out. He's got his arm around Katie, who doesn't get to say a word, because who cares what the opinion of the person who came in third-to-last is? RIGHT, RAYMUNDO?
Commercials. Marie Antoinette. More like Marie Antoi-NOT.
Parsons runway. The judges think the show was great. Fern says that everyone in the world wanted to be at that show. Fern, I'm a member of the world, and I'm just as happy watching it from my couch with a pint of Vanilla Heath Bar Crunch in front of me, thanks. The designers come out onto the runway. Heidi congratulates them all. Prizes are recapped. Fern is reintroduced. The models emerge. Just the main ones from the show. Not all 48, although that would have been funny. We start the critiques with Laura. She says she wanted to do a line of eveningwear that was romantic and escapist. The judges tell her that she made $8000 look like $30,000, and they're right. Kors is impressed at the level of detail in her beading. He thinks all of the outfits were gorgeous, but there were no surprises. Well, you can thank Tim for that. Nina reminds her that she's always known that a narrow design aesthetic was the judges' chief complaint, and it seems she didn't address that for the final show. Laura responds with something about the feather jackets and hem stiffness. Fern says that when doing eveningwear, it's perfectly acceptable to maintain a specific focus. Gnat begins to love Fern as much as I do.
Michael. He talks about his safari inspirations. Fern says that he was clearly the crowd favorite, and she wishes the collection stood up to that. She liked specific pieces, but was disappointed overall. LOVE FERN. Kors doesn't understand how Michael went so over-the-top. Michael says he really wanted to get a strong point of view across, but that he's still young, and hasn't done anything on this large a scale before. Nina and Heidi appreciated the range of outfits. Michael wraps up with "I did what I could do," and chews his lip nervously. Jeffrey talks about his Japanese ghost story inspirations. Fern likes the detailing on the dress Marilinda is wearing. Kors likes that he dressed the models along a kind of life timeline. Fern liked the edgier pieces he did, but didn't care for the times when he attempted elegance (bringing up the royal blue pieces as the example). Heidi informs the others that Jeffrey went overbudget. He explains how he got the figure back down. Uli wanted to show that she can do more than prints. Nina tells her that she thinks her clothes are terrific, and that women love them and will buy them. She says this all in a way that suggests a giant "BUT" is coming up, and it never does. Huh. Heidi says she'd wear every outfit that Uli made. Aw. Kors felt that there wasn't a connecting thread to the collection as far as color goes. Uli says that she wanted to show that she could use neutral colors, but that her inspiration comes from where she lives, which is very vibrant. She shrugs that maybe she should move to New York. Fern flies to her defense, saying that resortwear is possibly the biggest niche of fashion right now, and that Miami and sunshine are good inspirations. LOVE FERN. The designers are dismissed.
Deliberations. Uli makes clothes that women want. She's a good worker with an eye for detail. Kors says the overall season was a roller coaster for her, which means that her previous triumphs and disappointments are being considered. You'll want to remember that. Jeffrey is the most innovative of the designers. He had good variety without being unfocused. Everyone hated the long dress with what I called the cloud pattern. Heidi asks the other judges what they think of him going overbudget. We cut away so we can't hear the other judges say "What the fuck ever". Laura is incredibly meticulous. Her pieces are beautiful and timeless. Nina doesn't know if she's creative or innovative enough. As Fern said, so what? Think of some famous designers like Ralph Lauren and Tommy Hilfiger. Their aesthetic is just as narrow. Michael understands a woman's body, but his collection was tasteless. His motivations were noble, though. They like and dislike things about all four collections. Nina said that someone asked her on the way out of the show how to buy Uli's clothing. They seem to make a decision fairly quickly. The designers are brought back out.
And now for the final nice thing about someone I don't like: A lot of the other passengers on the Metro are irritating freaks, but hey, them not driving helps out the environment, which I'm always for.
Heidi says this was a hard decision. The judges believe in Michael's future as a designer, but he needs time to mature. He's out. He hugs his family backstage. He believes in himself, and vows to be back. I don't doubt it. Laura creates exquisite clothing, but is too limited. She's out. She thanks the judges. She says in her final interview that she achieved everything she was going for with the collection, and is completely at peace with the judges' decision. You rock, Laura. She knows that her participation in the world of fashion is just beginning. Uli and Jeffrey hug out on the runway. Jeffrey was innovative. Uli pushed herself, and made a beautiful collection. Congratulations...Jeffrey. Oh, fuck this. Let's get through the show bits first. Uli gives him another hug, gets the double kiss from Heidi, and goes backstage. She's happy for Jeffrey, and is fine with second place. Marilinda comes out to join Jeffrey, excited for her attendant win. Melanie, Harrison, and Jeffrey's parents come out so that we can all celebrate the victory of this pompous twat who reduces elderly women to tears. Blah blah "passion". Blah blah "intense happiness". He bounces Harrison around, then gets a congratulatory hug from Tim. He strikes a final HARDCORE pose behind the white screen, and we're done. Except for seeing Tim present him with his new Saturn Sky. It's a cute car, but I wouldn't think white is Jeffrey's color.
So. Season postmortem. First I suppose I should let everyone on all the websites I've been flapping my jaw at have a hearty chuckle at my expense. I never for a single moment thought Jeffrey would win, and have been arguing the reasons why for several weeks now. Yep, I'm an idiot. Laugh away. Got that out of your systems? Good. The reason I thought Jeffrey would never win is that beyond this being a fashion competition, it is a reality show. And reality shows have archetypes. And one of the aspects of the Asshole Archetype is that he or she doesn't win. Sure, sometimes an Asshole will get the Redemption Edit, but aside from being exonerated from cheating and professing undying love for his son, I didn't see that with Jeffrey. So if we're ignoring the clothes completely, I'd rather he have lost based solely on the fact that as a person, he didn't deserve to win. He's mean and artificial and snide and thinks he's about a hundred times cooler than he actually is.
"But Limecrete," I hear you say. "This is a show about clothing. Surely he deserved the win on that level."
Nope, I don't believe so. I did enjoy his final collection. I think that a lot of these pieces were better than most of the ones he did during the show combined. But they still weren't that good. For every one of Jeffrey's pieces that I liked, I liked one of Uli's or Laura's more. Jeffrey won because he pushed himself out of his usual aesthetic. So did Uli. Uli lost because she had so many ups and downs during the season. So did Jeffrey. People are already practically clawing themselves to get their hands on Uli's clothing. Jeffrey did something neat with zippers. So color me disappointed. No, I'm not going to be one of those prissy pearl-clutchers who dramatically announces that they're giving up this show 4-EVAH! But there is something deeply unsatisfying about devoting three months of my life to watching these people work and fight and laugh and cry, only to watch a condescending prick waltz off into the sunset with a spring in his step, and a big toy check in his pocket. Feh.
Overall Grade: C-
Overall Season Grade: B-
Previously on Project Runway: The four finalists were told to design twelve looks for Fashion Week. Tim visited everyone. Laura accused Jeffrey of having outside help. Tim promised to look into it. Tonight, someone will be crowned the winner of Project Runway. Good. I don't think I could take another filler episode.
No opening credits. Because this is serious business this week.
New York. One and a half days until the runway show. In the workroom, Uli is wishing this whole cheating blowup never happened. Laura compares Jeffrey to an athlete on steroids. It's pretty much based on conjecture, but she admits as much. She and Jeffrey talk, and she's saying that if he has the receipts to back everything up, there will be no problem. Jeffrey says that what's really upsetting is Laura calling his integrity into question. "I never questioned your integrity," Laura says, and while I generally like her, and generally dislike Jeffrey -- BULLSHIT. Jeffrey storms off. Soon after, he receives a call from Tim, saying that the producers can't find all the receipts from a particular pleating business. Or something. He asks Jeffrey to call them and have them fax the missing receipts. If he can't get them, they'll deal with the issue again. Jeffrey disdains the business for keeping sloppy records. Yes, this is coming from the guy who handed over one giant wad of receipts to Tim. Good catch. Jeffrey calls the business and asks about the missing receipts. He's scared that this tiny omission will lead to not being able to show at Bryant Park.
Evening. Morning. Everyone looks completely dead, and over the entire enterprise. Yeah, I feel them. Maybe you could just have a one-part finale next season, Bravo? In the workroom, Jeffrey places a call to Tim, and leaves a message. He begins work on a simple skirt, in case the shorts that the missing receipts pertain to are disqualified. Good thinking. Eight hours left. Tim comes in, and gathers the designers. He says that after a thorough investigation, he is absolutely confident that Jeffrey did the work himself. OK, Tim's word is good enough for me. Please ignore all that blather I spewed last week. Jeffrey breaks down in tears of relief, and Uli hugs him. It's not entirely good news, as Tim tells him that the shorts will, indeed, need to be taken out of the collection, due to the missing receipts. Not only that, but he is the only designer to have gone overbudget, by $227.95. I hope they would have investigated everyone's receipts anyway, and didn't just do this because of the whole cheating scandal. Jeffrey will need to remove something from the collection, and the judges will be informed that he didn't stay within the budget. This will turn out to have absolutely no effect on the judging, so why it's even a rule, let alone is brought up here, is beyond me.
Tim says that the show stresses fairness very strongly, and he's confident that tomorrow's show will be an even playing field. I read in a later interview with Tim that he was actually glad Laura brought up her suspicions when she did, because it would have been twice as awful if Jeffrey had won, and then she called foul. Good point. Laura shakes Jeffrey's hand and says that she'll meet him on the runway. There's even a little half hug. Jeffrey says that he has no further issue with Laura (which he immediately belies by snotting about her inexperience), and Laura says that she's more than happy to compete against Jeffrey on the runway. She says it was never a goal of hers to get him disqualified, which I entirely believe. I think her accusations may have come from reasoning that was overly vague, but they were never motivated by personal reasons.
One hour left. Everyone packs up their clothing. Michael feels good. Uli thinks she has a strong collection. Jeffrey loses the blonde wigs to meet the budget, and substitutes the denim skirt he just made for the disqualified leather bubble shorts. I don't know if Laura (or even Jeffrey) knows it, but I think she just accidentally bumped up the quality of his collection a big notch. The wigs were stupid, and the denim skirt is far prettier than the shorts ever were. Tim enters for a final "gather round". He has the velvet bag. He tears up a little as he talks about how proud he is of the finalists. Aw, I love Tim. He says that they're all winners, and he means it in a very real sense; not in a sense of second place in an elementary school science fair which I should have won, because that reproduction of the solar system that took all night was amazing, and all Blake did was that lame poster where the lightbulbs light up because there are little bits of wire on the back! Sorry, where was I? He dismisses them, but brings them back for a group hug. Heh. So what was the velvet bag for? Stop showing the velvet bag, and then not using it! I guess he drew the order the designers would show in, and they just didn't air it.
Morning. 4:15 AM to be precise. Ugh. Jeffrey said he got two hours' sleep. Laura says that she's glad Jeffrey will be showing, because she wants to beat him on the runway; not the accountant's office. Everyone heads out. Michael tries to calm himself down. Calm himself down? The most animated I've ever seen him was a tiny little boogie dance. It's still dark as they approach Bryant Park, but the drizzle that seems to have been falling when everyone first stirred appears to have dissipated. Uli says that this is the biggest day of her life. They enter the tent, and act suitably impressed. I know the show is trying to go out with a bang, and I don't begrudge them that. But there's not even a stage. It's just a flat runway on the floor in a bland, white room. The regular runway is more impressive than this. There are a lot of seats, though. Jeffrey wants to prove he belongs here. Michael's ready to buckle down and work.
Commercials. I don't understand advertising Barbies at this hour. I don't see them advertising cars during Saturday morning cartoons.
Two hours until the show. Guests arrive. The models are going through hair and makeup backstage. Unfortunately, there's no eleventh hour emergency, like Danzzz's missing purses or Chloe's hair issues to keep us in suspense. Michael freaks out that everything has to be perfect. One hour. The tent fills up. Laura is wearing her hair down, thank God. Half an hour. The eliminated designers and the finalists' families are in the audience, as are Chloe, Danzzz, and...Brandy? Whatever. Tim tells Laura she has ten minutes. Her hair's down. She fits a dress to a model. Her hair's up. She's fitting the model from a different angle. Her hair's down. Stop it, I'm gonna barf! Uli's ready to show the world what she can do. Michael's glad for the opportunity. Jeffrey feels amazing. And...time.
Heidi comes out onto the runway. Everyone claps and "woo!"s. Her dress is ugly. Michael Kors is wearing his sunglasses indoors again, which makes me want to punch him. Heidi introduces the judges, including guest judge Fern Mallis, creator of Fashion Week. Ooh, I love Fern! Let's start the show. The first designer to present is Jeffrey. He comes out and greets his family, including his parents, a beaming Melanie, and a crying Harrison. Heh. Hey, Jeffrey's dad is kind of cute! Jeffrey introduces his collection and goes backstage. I should say at the outset of his show that the music that he's chosen is terrible. It's ponderous and pensive, and doesn't match his collection at all. Out first is a red dress with white polka dots. There are swathes of solid red fabric peeking out in a couple of areas. I like it, although I could do without the white straps hanging down, and the model is kind of ugly. Next is the same polka dot material, but as a swimsuit. The model is also wearing a see-through jacket over it. Meh. Third is the same polka dot material as a babydoll dress (I think). The polka dot fabric is covered by a layer of see-through white fabric, and the bustier is also white. I like it. The model shouldn't lead with her stomach, though. It makes her look more pregnant than Laura. Stand up straight, troglodyte! Oof, I don't even know how to describe this next one. It's good, though. It's a red, checked, v-neck top that only covers the boobs in front, but widens to cover the shoulders and has sleeves. The rest is a fan of white straps, and she has white pants on. The next dress is half red/white stripes and half blue (or black)/white stripes, and the two colors each occupy a vertical half. It's all right. Next is a more typical Jeffrey outfit. The same blue or black striped fabric, but with a random swath of solid fabric in front of it, and a denim jacket. It's messy and uneven. Next is a shimmery silver tank top with a white jacket (edged with black), and white pants. There's a green/white striped handbag that doesn't really seem to go with the outfit, but whatever. Next is a sort of cadet blue dress that widens at the thighs. It looks like an upside-down heart shape. God, am I terrible at describing these. Next is a royal blue dress with pleating at the bottom. Then, the same royal blue, but over a pattern mixing the blue with white. It almost looks like a sky with clouds. It's neat. The next outfit is a shiny silver shirt with tan leather pants (complete with patches) and a green/white striped jacket. Claaaaaaashy. Finally, Marilinda in the same green/white striped fabric, but with interesting seams running all over fashioned into zippers. She looks good. In fact, that entire collection was worlds better than I was expecting it to be. Applause, etc.
Uli emerges and gleefully greets the audience. She's thankful for all the opportunities she's been given, and gives a shoutout to her family. She runs backstage. Her first outfit is classic Uli. It's a long print dress, kind of like giraffe stripes. The next one is a departure for her. It's dark tan, with a shimmery silver sash and belt, which is fastened with an animal tooth clasp. Neat! The next is the same two colors, but the dark tan is a skirt, while the shimmering silver is a sleeveless keyhole top, with one of those built-in chokers that I think are so pretty. Next is a rather dull, gray, thigh-length dress with a bit of fringe at the bottom, and it's accented by a necklace that looks like it's made out of handcuffs. Next, a prettier, shorter version of the same dress, but with a different silhouette. Oh, and the model's way prettier. That probably helps. Next is Amanda, working it in brown shorts and a shimmering, silver tank top. She really is a fantastic model. Next is a far less talented model, not working a tan, flowing dress with accents of silver. Next is another print dress, with fabric extremely similar, if not identical to, the dress that won Uli the freestyle challenge. Next is another print, but this in a brown and yellow fabric that is totally gorgeous. The model reaches down, and for a horrible moment, I thought she was going to pick a wedgie. But no, the dress unbuttons to reveal a matching bikini underneath. Stunning. Next is a purple print with zebra stripe accents, and an ill-advised center line of reflective material. This is a bit too Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk. Next, another giraffe-stripe print, but in a different silhouette. Finally, Nazri in a drop-dead gorgeous green jungle print that flows easily at the bottom. Applause, etc.
Commercials. I don't want to live in a world where people falling down isn't funny.
Big ol' pregnant Laura comes out. She says that she came on Project Runway hoping to make it big in the fashion world, and she did it! She pats her belly. Hehehe. That's corny, but she sold it. She walks backstage. High heels cannot be comfortable in her state. Ah, the music! Gnat about leaps out of her skin with glee. It's a very jaunty, flapperesque tune, like something you'd hear in the '20s, and I love it. Heidi's already dancing along. The first dress is a camel shade of brown, and is a turtleneck, with sparkly beading starting at about the navel and becoming more dense at the bottom. Lovely. The model has gorgeous, long, straight, red hair. Next is a dress that looks kind of like a rock garden. That's just what leapt immediately to mind when I saw it. There's a band of black around the breastline, and the cups don't seem to fit very well. I'm not feeling this one. The next dress is almost like a white negligee, with feathers at the bottom. Next is an odd outfit that consists of sparkly black shorts, a metallic gold blazer, and a puff of gold fabric at the shoulder. Next is a partially see-through, floor-length black dress, with amazing detail. Note to model: black bra next time. Next is a similarly see-through detailed black dress, but with black fur as the shoulders. Pretty! Next is sort of a combination of previous dresses. The top is the see-through black detail, the bottom is composed of black feathers. The next dress is black, with crisscross designs, and a cowl of black feathers at each shoulder. Next is a model with a terrible, terrible walk. The dress is black, and also has two cowls of black feathers, this time as the cup of the breasts. Next is a black dress that I'd usually dislike, because it has multiple layers of fringe. I'm anti-multiple layers AND anti-fringe. And yet this works. Helping are the loose bands around the ankles, which whip around awesomely. Next, a black suit with tight-fitting pants that look kind of like vinyl, and another detailed top. Finally, Camilla in a beautiful gray spangly dress with a sash of mustard yellow around the waist. Applause, etc. I'm so tired of describing clothes. Must! Get! Through!
The crowd goes nuts for Michael. He explains that his collection is called "Street Safari" and is about a woman on the hunt to discover who she is. Oh, dear. Judging from the first outfit, the woman's going to discover that she's a stone-cold hoochie. It's a sleeveless white dress with a collar that is open in the chest, and is crisscrossed with white laces. There's also a blindingly gold belt. Another terrible walk. Gnat says that it looks like the model's head is about to fall off. Next is a pair of white shorts and a knotted top. Next, a variation on the first outfit, but as a short skirt instead of a dress. Next, tight white pants, an open white shirt, and those awful sequined pockets that made me want to hurl last week. Oof. Next is a jungle green outfit, and I'm sorry to use the word "hoochie" so much, but there's just no other way to describe it. The next one, I like. It's a short...I guess you'd call it a sundress. It's just as risque, but it's a fiery yellow/orange color that I love. The next is dark orange shorts and a midriff-baring, matching top with a tall collar. Next, a magenta dress with the same laced chest and gold belt as the first. Next is a slinky, metallic, gold bathing suit. It's hot. Then there a print minidress with a leather belt. Another swimsuit, this one in crisscrossing white fabric. Finally, Clarissa in a longer version of the print minidress. Oh, Michael. I'm just so...let down. Applause, etc.
After show interviews. All four finalists are thrilled with the response they're getting. Brandy loved Michael and Uli's collections. A suit from WalMart says he's there to see what's going on the fashion world. I assume he's hiding his cloven hoofs with some nice shoes. Chloe apologizes to Michael via the camera, but thinks Uli's was the best. Some suit from L'oreal liked Laura's collection. The WalMart devil liked Uli's collection, but liked Michael more over the course of the season. And God damn it, we have to check in with Raymundo again. Why am I still seeing his face? He sucked, and got chunked third! Some random woman liked Jeffrey's passion. Heidi asks the WalMart devil if anyone's going to be picked up for his store. Elsewhere, Laura, Michael, Uli, and Jeffrey simultaneously shudder violently, and don't know why. Kayne thinks Uli rocked the shit out. He's got his arm around Katie, who doesn't get to say a word, because who cares what the opinion of the person who came in third-to-last is? RIGHT, RAYMUNDO?
Commercials. Marie Antoinette. More like Marie Antoi-NOT.
Parsons runway. The judges think the show was great. Fern says that everyone in the world wanted to be at that show. Fern, I'm a member of the world, and I'm just as happy watching it from my couch with a pint of Vanilla Heath Bar Crunch in front of me, thanks. The designers come out onto the runway. Heidi congratulates them all. Prizes are recapped. Fern is reintroduced. The models emerge. Just the main ones from the show. Not all 48, although that would have been funny. We start the critiques with Laura. She says she wanted to do a line of eveningwear that was romantic and escapist. The judges tell her that she made $8000 look like $30,000, and they're right. Kors is impressed at the level of detail in her beading. He thinks all of the outfits were gorgeous, but there were no surprises. Well, you can thank Tim for that. Nina reminds her that she's always known that a narrow design aesthetic was the judges' chief complaint, and it seems she didn't address that for the final show. Laura responds with something about the feather jackets and hem stiffness. Fern says that when doing eveningwear, it's perfectly acceptable to maintain a specific focus. Gnat begins to love Fern as much as I do.
Michael. He talks about his safari inspirations. Fern says that he was clearly the crowd favorite, and she wishes the collection stood up to that. She liked specific pieces, but was disappointed overall. LOVE FERN. Kors doesn't understand how Michael went so over-the-top. Michael says he really wanted to get a strong point of view across, but that he's still young, and hasn't done anything on this large a scale before. Nina and Heidi appreciated the range of outfits. Michael wraps up with "I did what I could do," and chews his lip nervously. Jeffrey talks about his Japanese ghost story inspirations. Fern likes the detailing on the dress Marilinda is wearing. Kors likes that he dressed the models along a kind of life timeline. Fern liked the edgier pieces he did, but didn't care for the times when he attempted elegance (bringing up the royal blue pieces as the example). Heidi informs the others that Jeffrey went overbudget. He explains how he got the figure back down. Uli wanted to show that she can do more than prints. Nina tells her that she thinks her clothes are terrific, and that women love them and will buy them. She says this all in a way that suggests a giant "BUT" is coming up, and it never does. Huh. Heidi says she'd wear every outfit that Uli made. Aw. Kors felt that there wasn't a connecting thread to the collection as far as color goes. Uli says that she wanted to show that she could use neutral colors, but that her inspiration comes from where she lives, which is very vibrant. She shrugs that maybe she should move to New York. Fern flies to her defense, saying that resortwear is possibly the biggest niche of fashion right now, and that Miami and sunshine are good inspirations. LOVE FERN. The designers are dismissed.
Deliberations. Uli makes clothes that women want. She's a good worker with an eye for detail. Kors says the overall season was a roller coaster for her, which means that her previous triumphs and disappointments are being considered. You'll want to remember that. Jeffrey is the most innovative of the designers. He had good variety without being unfocused. Everyone hated the long dress with what I called the cloud pattern. Heidi asks the other judges what they think of him going overbudget. We cut away so we can't hear the other judges say "What the fuck ever". Laura is incredibly meticulous. Her pieces are beautiful and timeless. Nina doesn't know if she's creative or innovative enough. As Fern said, so what? Think of some famous designers like Ralph Lauren and Tommy Hilfiger. Their aesthetic is just as narrow. Michael understands a woman's body, but his collection was tasteless. His motivations were noble, though. They like and dislike things about all four collections. Nina said that someone asked her on the way out of the show how to buy Uli's clothing. They seem to make a decision fairly quickly. The designers are brought back out.
And now for the final nice thing about someone I don't like: A lot of the other passengers on the Metro are irritating freaks, but hey, them not driving helps out the environment, which I'm always for.
Heidi says this was a hard decision. The judges believe in Michael's future as a designer, but he needs time to mature. He's out. He hugs his family backstage. He believes in himself, and vows to be back. I don't doubt it. Laura creates exquisite clothing, but is too limited. She's out. She thanks the judges. She says in her final interview that she achieved everything she was going for with the collection, and is completely at peace with the judges' decision. You rock, Laura. She knows that her participation in the world of fashion is just beginning. Uli and Jeffrey hug out on the runway. Jeffrey was innovative. Uli pushed herself, and made a beautiful collection. Congratulations...Jeffrey. Oh, fuck this. Let's get through the show bits first. Uli gives him another hug, gets the double kiss from Heidi, and goes backstage. She's happy for Jeffrey, and is fine with second place. Marilinda comes out to join Jeffrey, excited for her attendant win. Melanie, Harrison, and Jeffrey's parents come out so that we can all celebrate the victory of this pompous twat who reduces elderly women to tears. Blah blah "passion". Blah blah "intense happiness". He bounces Harrison around, then gets a congratulatory hug from Tim. He strikes a final HARDCORE pose behind the white screen, and we're done. Except for seeing Tim present him with his new Saturn Sky. It's a cute car, but I wouldn't think white is Jeffrey's color.
So. Season postmortem. First I suppose I should let everyone on all the websites I've been flapping my jaw at have a hearty chuckle at my expense. I never for a single moment thought Jeffrey would win, and have been arguing the reasons why for several weeks now. Yep, I'm an idiot. Laugh away. Got that out of your systems? Good. The reason I thought Jeffrey would never win is that beyond this being a fashion competition, it is a reality show. And reality shows have archetypes. And one of the aspects of the Asshole Archetype is that he or she doesn't win. Sure, sometimes an Asshole will get the Redemption Edit, but aside from being exonerated from cheating and professing undying love for his son, I didn't see that with Jeffrey. So if we're ignoring the clothes completely, I'd rather he have lost based solely on the fact that as a person, he didn't deserve to win. He's mean and artificial and snide and thinks he's about a hundred times cooler than he actually is.
"But Limecrete," I hear you say. "This is a show about clothing. Surely he deserved the win on that level."
Nope, I don't believe so. I did enjoy his final collection. I think that a lot of these pieces were better than most of the ones he did during the show combined. But they still weren't that good. For every one of Jeffrey's pieces that I liked, I liked one of Uli's or Laura's more. Jeffrey won because he pushed himself out of his usual aesthetic. So did Uli. Uli lost because she had so many ups and downs during the season. So did Jeffrey. People are already practically clawing themselves to get their hands on Uli's clothing. Jeffrey did something neat with zippers. So color me disappointed. No, I'm not going to be one of those prissy pearl-clutchers who dramatically announces that they're giving up this show 4-EVAH! But there is something deeply unsatisfying about devoting three months of my life to watching these people work and fight and laugh and cry, only to watch a condescending prick waltz off into the sunset with a spring in his step, and a big toy check in his pocket. Feh.
Overall Grade: C-
Overall Season Grade: B-
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)