Herculean Effort for Some Herculean Dudes

The Amazing Race - Season 9, Episode 7

Previously on The Amazing Race: Seven teams left the pleasant land of Sicily for the pleasant land of...other parts of Sicily. Phil tries to make last week's episode sound exciting through the use of words like "panic" and "surged", but what really happened is that everything was boring, and Dave and Lori fell a tiny bit behind and couldn't catch up. *sniff* Six teams remain. Really? Only six? This season's flying by. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. Ray and Yolanda look so mean and sour, which they're not in the slightest. Also, Lisa and Joni look cute and charming. I'll let you extrapolate that out to the natural conclusion.

Siracusa, Sicily, Italy. Phil says it was once the most powerful Greek city in the Mediterranean Sea. That's a lot of qualifiers, Phil. If we're going to dress things up to make them look more impressive, let's just say I'm the most powerful gay Irish-Jewish scientist in St. Louis. There's more of the usual opening Phil blather that I'm liking less and less these days. The Tools leave the mat first at 10:33 PM. Their clue tells them to take a train to Rome, Italy. Rome appears to be such a beautiful, culturally rich city. I'll bet the teams do all sorts of fascinating things there. A man on a red and yellow scooter in front of the Trevi fountain will give them their next clue. It looks like tickets have been provided for everyone, and the train doesn't leave until 8 AM. The Hippies leave the mat at 10:38 PM. They talk about their positive attitudes and senses of humor, like they do every week. The positive attitudes I like a lot. Their senses of humor...could use some work. MoJo leaves the mat at 11:40 PM. Monica interviews about how emotionally draining the race is. Yeah, I don't often pause to consider that. I like to make fun of teams that are going through meltdowns over the tiniest little thing, but I can't say that I wouldn't burst into tears if I were caught in a traffic jam in Jodhpur, India or whatever.

Frankenberry leaves the mat at 11:53 PM. The Tools have arrived at the train station and learn that their 8 AM train is the earliest one to Rome. Yeah, I suspected that an alternative wouldn't be available, given that the teams were provided with tickets. The Hippies arrive, and learn that all the teams will likely catch up with them. Lake and Michelle leave the mat at 12:17 AM. Three steps off the mat, they get into a ridiculous fight about directions. Something about how Michelle didn't hand over a piece of paper to Lake, or something. She snots that she won't take the blame for his mistake, and Lake calls her a bitch and tells her to shut up. As Blood Ray pointed out to me, it wasn't as if he said "you're being a bitch" or "you're being bitchy". It was full-on "You never handed it to me, bitch, now SHUT UP." Classy. The stupidest thing about this fight is that it's completely pointless. This isn't the same as Monica saying she gets emotionally wound up due to racing. They've got time to kill, here. Lake and Michelle already have tickets for the train. So they've lost their directions. So what? They can't find the train station in 8 hours?

More people arrive at the train station. Ray and Yolanda are last to leave the mat at 1:02 AM, which makes Lake and Michelle's fight even stupider. Ray interviews that being at the bottom kind of sucks, and that their strategy for now has to be concentrating on passing at least one team. That sounds kind of obvious, but he's right. Teams in last often try to pull some miracle to jump into the lead, and he recognizes that they don't have to exhaust themselves trying for first place right now. Lake and Michelle arrive at the train station. The Tools say that they think Lake is bipolar. If that's the case, I wish the Tools were bipolar, too. Maybe then their personalities would swing into a territory that doesn't completely suck. Ray and Yolanda arrive, and joke that they haven't seen the Tools in so long. Seriously. But now everyone's caught up, which means that maybe the teams can shuffle into another order for once! Yay!

Rome. Everyone hops off the train. Some teams head for taxis, while others choose the Metro. I'd say from my experience watching the show that taxis are the faster choice about 90% of the time. Lake has passed the time on the train by shaving off his beard. He looks kind of naked without it. The Tools and MoJo, who were the only two teams to get cabs, are first to the fountain. See? Scooter Guy gives the Tools their clue, which tells them to find the horse carriages by the Spanish Steps, less than a mile away. There are portfolios in the carriages that have their next clue. Scooter Guy also gives them half of a puzzle so stupidly easy, you'd think it was out of Highlights magazine or something. The puzzle is part of Da Vinci's Vetruvian Man. The portfolios in the carriage have the second part. When you put the two together, it forms the message that the first team to the mat will win a prize, which only happens...um...every week. The whole point of throwing this in there is to plug the upcoming Da Vinci Code craptacular. My feelings on the movie are already a matter of public record, so I'll just leave it at that.

Monica talks about how she's wanted to come to Rome her entire life. Prepare to be disappointed with the amount of time you spend here, Monica. They get their scooter clue. All the other teams (except for Ray and Yolanda, who have lagged behind yet again) exit the Metro and a bunch of people start yelling "Fontana di Trevi????" over and over and over and over again. Thank God they finally get the heads up and find it. I couldn't have taken much more of that. Everyone gets their scooter clue. Ray and Yolanda get it afterwards, though I don't know how much time has passed. The Tools have found the carriages, and open their next clue. It tells them to fly to Athens, Greece. So that was Rome. Not that I wouldn't be overjoyed to be sent to Athens; it just stinks that Rome got shoehorned in like this so they could insert some dumbass product placement. Once in Athens, teams have to find the Ancient Agora, which are the ruins of a Grecian marketplace. The next clue will be on the grounds. The Tools also pick up the second piece of their "puzzle" and take about five seconds to solve it. That, more that anything else, should give you an idea of the puzzle's difficulty; I'll bet the Tools could spend an entire afternoon searching for Waldo.

The Tools head for the airport. MoJo gets the clue, and heads for the airport. Hippies. Lake and Michelle. Frankenberry. Ray and Yolanda. At the airport, the Tools learn of a flight that leaves at 7:25 PM. Everyone winds up on this flight, so nobody's actions in Rome had the slightest effect. Poor Rome, to be treated so cavalierly. It reminds me of my "trip" to New York City, which in fact consisted of me arriving in town, visiting the Museum of Radio and Broadcasting, getting an egg cream, and leaving. Everyone boards, and we're off to Greece. Once there, everyone hops in cabs. Monica is excited to be in Greece, which is where she says "thinking began". Hehehe. Well, it certainly didn't begin in this cab. I know what she's getting at, but that was still a very mockworthy comment. Frankenberry is excited to take the lead, not really pausing to consider that the grounds of the agora aren't likely to be open in the middle of the night. They're first to the gate, and discover that it opens at 8 AM. Suddenly, it's the next day. Everyone's lined up at the gate, and it is pouring down rain. Ick. MoJo is first to the clue box. The first of only two Fast Forwards for the entire race are in this clue.

Brief sidebar for race n00bs. The Fast Forward is a task. The first team to complete it gets to skip the rest of the leg, and go directly to the pit stop. There used to be a Fast Forward on every leg of the race, which I liked. Teams had to seriously consider when it was the best time for them to use it, because once you've gotten a Fast Forward, you can't use another one, ever. It was a cool way of giving a lagging team another shot, or an exhausted team time to rest. For some reason, the producers have reduced the number of Fast Forwards to two, which is dumb. I've gone into this before, but with only two on the entire race, there is literally no reason for the team in the lead not to take it. If they don't, they can't count on being first to the other one, so they've wasted their opportunity. In short, all it accomplishes now is giving a solid team even more of an advantage, which is boring. In this Fast Forward, teams travel on foot less than a mile to a restaurant. Once there, they "ward off mischievous spirits" by breaking plates. Only one of the hundreds of plates has the little yellow and red flag baked into it. The team that finds it wins the Fast Forward.

MoJo runs for the restaurant. Ray and Yolanda decide to ignore the Fast Forward and just look at the regular clue. It tells them to travel by train from the Anargini station to the Isthmos station in Corinth, seventy miles away. The next clue will be waiting for them when they get off the train. The Tools head for the Fast Forward. Lake and Michelle and the Hippies decide to forget the Fast Forward, and head for the railway station. Frankenberry, in last place, wants to try for the Fast Forward. I can understand why they'd want to do it, but they're not in a place where they're likely to succeed. Plus, we've all seen the kind of dumb luck that follows the Tools around. Greek musicians and dancers await the plate-breaking teams, who pretty much ignore them and get to smashing. So of course the Tools find the flag, which my cynical side knew would happen all along. Feh. An upset MoJo leaves to go to the railway station. The Tools can now drive themselves straight to the pitstop, the Fortress of Rion. They smash some more plates for fun, then leave. Frankenberry arrives at the restaurant and finds a sign that lets them in on the fact that the Fast Forward is now Tooling its way out of town. Everyone who originally ignored the Fast Forward hops on the train, while MoJo has trouble flagging down a cab to get them to the station.

Commercials. "Did you know depression hurts both emotionally and physically?" Why, no I didn't! I thought depression was a wild party at which everyone has the time of their lives! I particularly look forward to the Depression Luau!

Monica starts pissing and moaning that they're going to be eliminated because they can't find a cab. I know they don't know that Frankenberry is behind them, but season after season, people do this "poor us, we're out of it" song and dance. Even when it's true, it's really obnoxious. Joseph basically says this to her when they finally get on a bus. He says they'll keep on going, and if they're last, so be it, but the negative attitude just brings them down. Well said. In the Frankenberry cab, Barry is whining that because he and Fran are older, they can't run to clue boxes and such as fast as everyone else, so they're always falling behind. I'd have a lot more sympathy for him if the reason they consistently fell behind was due to running slowly, rather than making careless mistakes. Or if their entire introduction wasn't them basically gloating about how good they are at competing against younger people. As it is? Shut up, Grandpa. The two lagging teams wind up on the same train.

On the lead train, the Hippies are admiring the beautiful scenery, while Lake carps about it not being as pretty as Italy. Everyone gets off the train at the Corinth station. Whoops! The clue directed them to get off at the Isthmos station in the town of Corinth. Understandable mistake. Everyone buys bus tickets to the correct railway station. Meanwhile, Frankenberry helpfully lets us in on the fact that their train is forty minutes behind the lead one. The lead teams hop off the bus and run across to the clue box at the Isthmos station. Roadblock! "Who wants to hear the sound of their own screaming?" So, I'm guessing the Roadblock doesn't involve having a tea party in an English garden. Nope. It's a 240-foot bungee jump into the Corinth Canal. Aiiiieeee!!!! No, thanks. Ray, Tyler, and Michelle all accept the task with no apparent reservations. Frankenberry and MoJo arrive at the correct train station. Monica takes the Roadblock, and jumps in excitement and happiness when she learns what the task is. Fran takes it, and jumps in fear and revulsion. Um, Fran? "Who wants to hear the sound of their own screaming?" What the fuck did you think it was going to be? Recording a song with Bjork? What's weird is that they've caught up to the other teams. I guess the train/bus mistake cost them their forty-minute lead.

Ray swan dives off the platform. Oh, sweet juniper, that looks terrifying. He's hauled back up and gets the next clue. Detour! Herculean Effort or It's All Greek To Me. In Herculean Effort, teams travel to a 2300-year-old stadium. Kind puts that whole "St. Louis needs a new baseball stadium because that other one's so old" argument to shame, doesn't it? But I kid. The new stadium is really pretty. Aaaaaanyway, once at the stadium, teams have to complete three events: discus toss, javelin throw, and wrestling. Greek men in togas demonstrate. My, it's a little warm in here. In It's All Greek To Me, teams travel to a different area of the same stadium and collect nine pieces of pottery fragments with Greek letters engraved on them. Once collected, they ask nearby spectators to help translate the letters into English, then unscramble them to form the name of a city on a provided map. Tough choice. Ray and Yolanda choose Herculean Effort, and in a refreshing change of pace, figure out how to get to the stadium without wandering around for half an hour pleading for directions. Tyler jumps. The Hippies choose Herculean Effort. Michelle jumps. Herculean Effort. Monica jumps. She comforts and encourages Fran on the way out. Aw. MoJo goes for Herculean Effort. Fran is still terrified. I certainly can't blame her for that.

Commercials. Car commercial with the following fine print: "Fictionalization. Vehicle not suitable for underwater use." People actually get paid to make these ads.

Fran jumps. Her eyes are tightly clenched shut the whole time. I can't decide if that'd make the situation better or worse. After she's hauled back up, she tells Barry it's the most frightened she's ever been, and let's not forget she had cancer. They get their clue, and choose It's All Greek To Me. Michelle is just now opening her map, and is not pleased to discover that the map of Greece that she bought in Greece is in...Greek. Three guesses how they respond to this. If you answered "they get into a stupid, sniping bitchfest", you win a free pass to the Depression Luau. We can take the underwater car to get there. In order to get Lake to back off, Michelle whines that she just did something that was very hard for her, which is patent bullshit. She jumped off that bungee platform with nary a whimper. They stop in a gas station two seconds later and get clear instructions, so that's the second baseless argument about directions we've seen from them tonight. Can they get the hat trick?

The Tools arrive at the pit stop, turn in their lame puzzle, and win an invitation to the premiere of The Da Crappy Code. And that's all we see of them tonight. Awesome! Ray and Yolanda arrive at the stadium, and follow the arrow that leads to Herculean Effort. Yolanda throws the discus, and gets it to go a far enough distance after a few tries. A Greek man demonstrates the javelin for Ray. Meanwhile, the Hippies have discovered that they're lost. Now that they don't have an insurmountable lead, they don't have the time to be so goofy, which is a very good thing. Lake and Michelle are fighting. I'll take that hat now. MoJo arrives at the stadium and sees Ray flailing at the javelin. Monica completes the discus, so now Ray and Joseph take turns at the javelin. Frankenberry arrives at the stadium. Cute Greek guys wander around. Frankenberry collects their pottery fragments, which seems to take them about twenty seconds. Lake and Michelle arrive, and for about the billionth time, they wander the wrong way, even though there's a giant sign pointing out each Detour option. They decide to just do It's All Greek To Me, since they're there. They begin collecting pottery fragments. The Hippies are still lost. They stop at a gas station and discover that they've driven an hour out of the way, which means another hour to get back. Eep. They do a reprise of the "poor us, we're out of it" chorus.

Commercials. That lady in the Ensure commercial should pick up some work as Jeanne Tripplehorn's stand-in or stunt double. Seriously.

The Hippies are depressed. I'm sorry for their problems, but it's a welcome release from doofy accents and dancing through the streets. Back at the javelin, Joseph manages to land one before Ray does. The Greek spectators help Frankenberry translate their letters into English. Lake and Michelle also get started, but of course not before Lake lobbies another "shut up!" in her direction. I've lost count of those. BJ wears a dumb hat. Moving on. MoJo gets to double-team the guy in the wrestling ring, which seems kind of skewed, but whatever. Joseph manages to force him out of the ring without too much difficulty. They get the clue that sends them 107 miles to the pit stop, which Phil informs us is still the Fortress of Rion, just in case they were tempted to move it after the Tools settled in, which I wouldn't blame them for. MoJo is confused by their map, and Monica suggests stopping for directions. Ray finally lands the javelin. Whew. He and Yolanda take out the wrestler easily. As they leave, Yolanda says "We got beat by MoJo. Which is a big NoNo." Hahahahaha!!! They have better luck with their directions.

More translating over at It's All Greek To Me. Another "shut up" from Lake. It's so old by now, I can't even work myself up over it anymore. Frankenberry finds the correct town on the map, Dimitsana. They get their pit stop clue. Lake and Michelle aren't far behind. The fortress itself isn't on their map, so they are completely stymied. Meanwhile, Barry continues enforcing every stereotype about old people that he can by backing directly into a tree. Fran tells him the whole back window's been smashed out, and he says "I didn't see it" in the most infuriating tone of voice ever, like he couldn't possibly be blamed for such an occurrence. I can't do it justice in print, but it made me want to punch him. They pull over for directions. The Hippies finally arrive at the Detour. BJ makes the discus throw in a couple of tries. Lake and Michelle get hopelessly lost. Now that having a discussion about directions would actually matter, Lake and Michelle decide to stop and take a calming series of deep breaths instead. Tyler finishes the javelin. The wrestler hands both of the Hippies their asses while an old Greek man laughs at them from the sidelines. Hehehe. They finally pull the wrestler out of the ring, and leave for the pit stop.

Ray and Yolanda arrive at the pit stop. Woo! Phil tells them that they are the second team to arrive. Wuh, oh. It's not good when Phil says that instead of "you're team #2". Yes, they've received a fifteen minute penalty for not taking the train all the way to Isthmos station as the clue stated they were to do. Fair enough. Fifteen minutes isn't too bad, plus they know that two other teams will receive the same penalty. They're not thrilled, of course, but seem to be pretty calm about it. Unfortunately for them, this fifteen minutes is enough time for MoJo to arrive at the mat, and check in as team #2. Monica is shocked. Ray and Yolanda's penalty runs out, and they check in as team #3. They did well today, all things considered. Lake and Michelle are still lost, and become the third team of the evening to sing the "poor us, we're out of it" number. The Hippies are also convinced that they're last. Not last is Frankenberry, who checks in as team #4. Instead of the usual "Who Will It Be?" edit, they just straight-out show us the Hippies arriving next. Wow, Lake and Michelle must have gotten extremely lost. They've probably wandered into Turkey by this point. Phil tells the Hippies that they're the fifth team to arrive, then hits them with the fifteen-minute penalty. Now, the editors get all shifty with us, trying to drive us into a frenzy of suspense over whether Lake and Michelle will arrive within that fifteen minutes or not. It completely snowed me on the first viewing, but now I realize that even if they had arrived two seconds after the Hippies, they'd still be hit with the same penalty, so there's no way that they could overtake them at this point. It turns out not to matter, as the Hippies' penalty runs out before Lake and Michelle arrive. They're checked in as team #5, and each gives Phil a big smooch on the cheek.

That puts Lake and Michelle into last place. I fully expect a non-elimination point. People who have been living under rocks expect a non-elimination point. Aliens from Jupiter who just happened upon our planet this evening expect a non-elimination point. But no! They're eliminated! Wow! They hug and praise each other as if they haven't just spent the entire leg treating each other like garbage. Isn't that sweet? I mean, for the people with no short-term memory, that is. Michelle interviews that people don't understand them, but that their relationship works for them. It works for the rest of us, too, in that it keeps both of you freaks out of the dating pool. Smell ya later, wackos.

Next week on The Amazing Race: "Ray and Yolanda turn against each other," which from the looks of it, appears to be no worse than a tiff with your best friend over who gets the last stick of gum. Teams travel to the Middle East, where BJ has trouble with the Roadblock. Trouble that apparently doesn't spring from being an American in the Middle East.

Overall Grade: B-