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The Amazing Race - Season 10, Episode 1

Previously on The Amazing Race: A season that didn't make me want to jump into an ammonia lake. How nice! We're back for another race, and it looks like the network execs got a "Be More Diverse" memo, so they're pandering to us by giving us minorities previously unrepresented on this show. Well, it's about time. Pander away!

Space Needle. Hey, start the race here next time! After some sweeping shots of Seattle, we catch up with Phil, aboard a large boat. He fills us in on the fact that Seattle's nickname is the Emerald City, but if some of these teams came here to ask the wizard for brains, I'm afraid they're going to be disappointed. This will be the starting point of a race around the world for one... Million dollars. Ah, Phil's emphasis of certain words. How I've missed it. This year, we're up to twelve teams instead of the eleven favored by most recent seasons. Oh good, more people to keep track of. The twelve teams are being dropped off at the starting line by seaplanes. Let's meet them! The teams, that is. Not the seaplanes.

Peter and Sarah: Newly dating triathletes from Southern California. Newly dating, indeed. In all of the pre-show interviews I saw with them, they were billed as friends. They must have started dating four minutes before their seaplane landed at the starting line. Both of them are blond and cute. Sarah tells us they train for the Hawaii Ironman together. But enough of that boring stuff; let's get to her artificial leg. It seems Sarah was born with one leg shorter than the other, so it was amputated when she was a child. And her old friend and new boyfriend builds artificial legs for a living. How fortuitous! She think he's hot for being able to take care of her in a way that other men can't. You mean that you get free stuff? Peter says that Sarah is the first woman he trusts with his heart.

Bilal and Sa'eed: Best friends from Cleveland, Ohio. They are Muslim and American. They are devout, saying that they will take five minutes to pray each day. Well, bully for you. I'm not getting an annoying ping yet, which is good. Still, I'm all about treating people of different religions equally, and I'm frankly no more interested in their relationship with their deity than any of the Jesus freak teams we've been cursed with over the years.

Rob and Kimberly: A dating couple from Los Angeles. I'm semi-ashamed to find Rob hot. He tells us their relationship is at the point where they move forward and get married, or they don't. Thank you for that stunning analysis. Kimberly says she wants to see how he works under pressure, and "making decisions for both of [them]". I have the feeling that statement's going to bite her in the ass. Rob says that Kimberly always wants her own way, but that he's a human being and she can't control him. Upon hearing that, Kimberly gets a "what a dickhead" look on her face. Yeah, I can totally see how in love they are. Two sentences out of their mouths, and they already hate each other.

Dustin and Kandice: Beauty queens from New York City. How I wish I were making those names up. They met at a pageant, where Kandice was Miss New York, and Dustin was Miss California. How sweet that they live an entire continent apart, and yet seem to be the exact same person. Dustin says that Kandice's competitive spirit is the glue of their friendship, which is really sad when you stop to think about it.

David and Mary: A married couple from Stone, Kentucky. David is a coal miner, and Mary is a stay-at-home mother. They've got three kids. David feels they're tougher than a lot of other people, because of the danger and stress of his job. I can certainly buy that, although I wouldn't argue with Mary saying the same thing about hers.

Erwin and Godwin: Brothers from the San Francisco Bay area. Are they just ashamed to say Oakland? Godwin dismissively says that people look at him as a meathead over a shot of him kissing his own bicep. Yeah, Godwin and I may have some problems, especially since I'm even more ashamed of finding him attractive than I am of the whole Rob thing. Erwin also works out, but I'm sorry to say that...um...having a nice body will only take him so far. They both have advanced degrees.

Duke and Lauren: Father and daughter from Rhode Island. Just Rhode Island? I guess they couldn't give a city, because they probably live in different areas. Why do I suspect that? "When I look at Lauren, I love her to death. But there's just a teeny bit of disappointment...as a father, looking at Lauren." That disappointment springs from the fact that Lauren is a lesbian. She came out after college and the two of them went through a period of not speaking to each other. They're trying to rebuild their relationship. Fair enough. I'm not thrilled with Duke's initial prejudice, of course, but he seems to be genuinely trying to work through it.

Vipul and Arti: A married couple from Orlando, Florida. They've been married for about two and a half years. My goodness, Arti is beautiful. They both try to embrace their Indian heritage and culture while still maintaining an American life. They're on the race to have an adventure before they settle down to have kids. I like them.

Kellie and Jamie: Best friends and cheerleaders from South Carolina. Oh, so I guess the beauty queens aren't our requisite bubbleheads for the season. They must be relieved about that. Kellie says they entertain each other, and that you could put the two of them in a cardboard box, and they'd still find a way to have fun. I think I'd have fun stuffing them into a cardboard box, too. Call me, ladies.

Tyler and James: Recovering drug addicts and models from Hollywood, California. Of course. Our straight, white, pretty-boy team. See you at the finish line, guys! I'm sorry, I'll really, really try to give them a fair shake before I toss them on the RobBrennanChrisAlexDerekDrewDavidJeffBrianGregEricJeremy pile. They met through drug use and model together. James is legitimately good-looking, but I'm not feeling the whole Tyler thing at all. There is, of course, an intro clip of them playing basketball shirtless, but they're not like those past teams at all! Sorry, sorry. Fair shake. I mean it.

Lyn and Karlyn: Lifelong friends and single mothers from Birmingham, Alabama. Well, sure. They're black women with children on reality television. Of course the fathers are absent. White women are "soccer moms". Black women are "single mothers". I'm so glad you're out to shatter stereotypes, Amazing Race! Karlyn says something about independence, but I miss a lot of it, because there's ironically a boop-boop-boop Amber Alert announcement about a missing child at the bottom of the screen (she's been found now).

Tom and Terry: Boyfriends from New York City. There's a clip of them getting manicures, and they talk about how they're not looking to make any new friends. Sigh. Speaking of stereotypes. Listen, I'm not a self-loathing queer. And I love all my brothers, from the guys who wouldn't know Judy Garland if her reanimated corpse bit them on the ass to the flamiest flames. But I like to see some range. Lynn and Alex were prissy and bitchy. John and Scott were prissy and bitchy (well, John was). In the fifteen seconds that we've known them, Tom and Terry have been prissy and bitchy. This show hasn't had a likable gay man on it since Ken, and that is depressing.

The twelve teams jog up to meet Phil at the starting line. Wait, if the starting line is on land, what was the point of Phil making his introductions from a boat? That was completely random. Phil explains the entire concept of the show to the teams. It's Seattle, so it's raining, and the teams are going to have to run across an expanse of grass to get to their bags. Someone's gonna wipe out. Who's it gonna be? I'm takin' all bets! The number of elimination points hasn't changed, and is still eight, which immediately throws me into a panic. That doesn't make sense! If there are eight elimination points, that leaves four teams to run for the finish line. Gnat practically has to force a Valium down my throat to get me to shut up about this. Phil also says there will be some additional surprises along the way that are different from previous races. When he gives the word, they can run to their packs, jump in the provided cars nearby, and then it's all up to them. "The world is waiting for you. Good luck. Travel safe." An infinity of silence. "GO!!!!"

And, boom! Those of you who picked Duke in the Splat Sweepstakes, please come see me for your winnings, which will vary based on your gender and physical characteristics. It looks like Bilal is first to the luggage. Peter and Sarah and David and Mary are lagging. The clue tells everyone to fly to Beijing, China. Wow. Normally, the teams are eased into the race by going to a place where English may not be the principal language, but at least you can understand the alphabet. Starting in China is evil. I love it. There are only two flights, one on United, and one on Korean Air. The United leaves at 1:22 PM, while the Korean Air departs about 40 minutes later. They only get $66 for this leg of the race. Everyone dashes for the cars. Bilal always seems to be about twenty paces in front of Sa'eed. Tyler and James are first out of the parking lot. Bilal and Sa'eed are right behind them, and offer thanks up to Allah. They follow this up with a more secular "That's right! That's what I'm talkin' about!" Heh. Kellie and Jamie can't seem to get their car in drive. They work it out eventually, and squeal us into the...

Opening credits. I'm sure Dustin and Kandice are just trying to hail a cab or something, but that's an unfortunate shot. It makes them look like they're lookin' for a date, sugar.

We jump right back in for the heart-pounding trip to the airport. Apart from frontrunners Tyler/James and Bilal/Sa'eed, it looks like Erwin and Godwin are up in the front. They're excited to go to "the homeland", even though they're not from China. Um, OK. Meanwhile, Dustin/Kandice, David/Mary, and Duke/Lauren are having the same gear problems Kellie and Jamie did. What kind of cars are these? They finally figure it out, and Duke and Lauren are last out of the parking lot. Tyler and James pull over for directions. Bilal is yelling at traffic. He interviews that he's aggressive, while Sa'eed is passive. I can believe it, since I'm fairly sure we haven't heard a word come out of Sa'eed's mouth so far. Tom/Terry, Rob/Kimberly, and Erwin/Godwin miss the turnoff for the highway. Karlyn tells Lyn that Chinese people like folks from Alabama because of the movie Forest Gump. Hehehehe. Peter and Sarah are convinced that they'll be underestimated. Vipul's busy adoring his wife. Aw. David and Mary pull over for some directions. There's a serious accident on the highway that's jamming up traffic, and Peter/Sarah risk getting off the highway to get around it. They succeed, and are soon whizzing down the highway again. Meanwhile, David and Mary aren't even attempting to find the highway at all, but taking another route to the airport. Mary isn't happy about this, and yells at David. He tells her to be quiet. She says she won't play the quiet woman. It's a good thing they have those thick accents, or we might confuse them for Rob and Kimberly. I sure can't get enough of couples arguing, can you? Dustin and Kandice weave around the accident.

Peter and Sarah are first to the airport, followed by David and Mary. Now that his route saved them time in the race, everything's OK! She's not angry about his decision-making anymore. Sweet. The only thing I like better than couples arguing is a passive-aggressive shrew. Dustin and Kandice get there in third. After they were stuck back at the parking lot? They must have been awesome on that highway. Sa'eed finally opens his mouth to pray while Bilal says that they'll make the first flight if God wills it. Because if there's one thing important to Allah, it's traffic and airline schedules. Phil lets us in on the fact that there is room for six teams on the United flight, which lands almost a full hour before the Korean Air one. Peter and Sarah have made it inside the airport, while David and Mary introduce themselves to Dustin and Kandice on the shuttle. Mary's excited to meet beauty queens. Peter and Sarah are smart enough to ask about arrival times, rather than departure times, and are the first to get tickets on the United flight. David/Mary and Dustin/Kandice get these tickets too.

The remaining teams are looking for the specific area to drop their rental cars, and are not having much luck. They're frustrated. Boy, no kidding. There's nothing more maddening than trying to find something at the airport. They're all such clusterfucks. Bilal/Sa'eed and Kellie/Jamie find themselves in an airport Mobius strip. God, I hate those. Erwin and Godwin also head the wrong way, as do Rob and Kimberly behind them. Rob snots at Kimberly that she should know that Thrifty is a car rental place, even as he makes a wrong turn. Instant karma is my favorite thing in the world. He soon figures out he's in the wrong place, and of course the answer to that is to yell at Kimberly some more. Don't you hope they have sixteen kids that they raise to be just like them? They're so sweet! All the other teams find their way to Thrifty with no problems. The loser teams get stuck in a line of cars and begin to freak out.

Commercials. Ventriloquist week on Dave Letterman. Yeah, I'll be sure to catch that.

The loser teams figure out what they've done wrong and head to Thrifty. Meanwhile, the non-loser teams are already in line at the airport. Tyler and James get on the United flight, as do Duke/Lauren and Lyn/Karlyn. In line, Vipul and Arti introduce themselves to Kellie and Jamie. Vipul calls himself "Vipul of the people". Heh. After they get tickets, Duke and Lauren also introduce themselves to the cheerleaders. Jamie wants to know if they're siblings or dating. Hahahaha! Lauren fills them in that Duke is her father. Duke kids that he's been trying to ask her out for years. Lauren misses a golden opportunity to insert "and that's why I became a lesbian." Oh, well. Vipul and Arti are the first team to get the bad news that they won't be on the United flight. Arti's pack is enormous. It's almost as big as she is. That's not good at all. They and the cheerleaders head for Korean air. It looks like Tom and Terry aren't even attempting United, so they're first to the Korean air counter. Kellie/Jamie and Vipul/Arti get in line behind them, and are soon joined by Bilal and Sa'eed. Introductions are made all around. Kellie tries to shake Bilal's hand, but he tries to gently inform her that his religion doesn't allow him to touch her. She's left hanging, but seems to take the rejection well. She asks Jamie if Muslims believe in Buddha. Sigh. I know next to nothing about the Muslim religion, but even I'm not that dense. We don't see the rest of these teams get their tickets, because by the time Erwin and Godwin get there, everyone's already gone. And last to get tickets are Rob and Kimberly. Eat it, suckas!

Erwin and Godwin... You know those well-traveled brothers with advanced degrees? Yeah, they think it'd be a neat idea to fill water guns in the airport bathroom and squirt other teams. Because gun-shaped things are so welcome in airports these days. They manage to squirt two teams before a security officer comes over and manages to tell them he'll be taking those guns away without calling them morons. Well done, officer. Gee, I can't imagine why Godwin thinks other people view them as meatheads. Tyler and James laugh at them, and offer up a "buuusted". An intercom voice announces pre-boarding for passengers who need assistance. Peter and Sarah jump on this. This pisses off Lyn/Karlyn and Tyler/James (who announce that it's "no excuse"). I think it's awesome. I don't for a minute believe that Sarah needs to pre-board, but every team has its advantages and disadvantages, which is entirely fair. Every time Sarah can speed up thanks to sympathy about her leg, she'll be slowed down by something else. Peter tells Sarah that they'll be able to play that card a lot. OK, now they're just tempting Fate. They'll want to watch that. The rest of the lead six teams board the United flight. Bilal and Sa'eed pray while they wait for their flight. Eventually, they and the other lagging teams board their Korean Air flight.

Beijing, China. It's freaking gorgeous. The United flight was delayed at some point, so they're landing at 8:22 PM, which is about twenty minutes late. Teams walk off the plane and begin to jog. Karlyn snarks that Sarah can run the Ironman, but can't stand in line. Heh. Duke and Lauren are first to get to the cabs and on their way. Teams have to go to a specific neighborhood and find the Gold House Restaurant, where they'll receive their next clue. The other lead teams aren't far behind. David and Mary are really impressed by Beijing. Mary interviews that she's never been outside Kentucky and Tennessee, so this is like dropping a thirty-year-old baby in the middle of China, and telling her to race. I'm glad her initial reaction is "Oooh, China!" and not "Eww...foreign things!". Lyn and Karlyn's cab passes Peter and Sarah's. Karlyn says she's "so sick of Sarah". The Sarah you met for five minutes twelve hours ago? I understand she's not happy about that airport trick, but how much time did Peter and Sarah gain? Sixty seconds? Plus, you just passed them, so calm down.

The Korean Air flight lands on time at 9:00 PM. Take that, United! Tom and Terry flail around in their cab. Kellie and Jamie opt for clapping and yelling "woo!!!" a lot. Kimberly says her adrenaline kicked in the second she walked off the plane. She and Rob have given up on their vanity already, and switched from contacts to glasses. Godwin thinks China is similar to Korea. I'll take his word for it. Two guys stand in the middle of the street playing badminton with no net. Lauren and Duke get to the restaurant first. Roadblock! Hey, weird. Normally, there is no Roadblock in the first episode. What? Oh. Roadblock. Noun. A task that only one team member may perform. The team chooses which member will do the Roadblock before they know exactly what the task entails, and once they choose the team member, they can't switch. Hopefully, the rule that team members must split the Roadblocks fairly evenly is in effect, though it goes unspoken. Phil tells us that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to eat all of the eyeballs out of a bowl of fish heads. OK. Sounds gross, but I bet I could do it.

The Roadblock hint reads "Who's hungry to stay in the race?". Lauren's eyes widen. She knows what lies in wait. Duke takes it on. So does Karlyn. Lyn thinks that's good, since she doesn't eat Chinese food. Lyn doesn't eat Chinese food? Is she from Neptune? They get started. A strand of goo hangs out of Duke's mouth. Ewwwwwwww. Lauren laughs at him. Peter and Sarah arrive, and Peter takes the Roadblock. Karlyn's having a little bit of trouble, but with some encouragement from Lyn, manages to finish first. The waiter hands them their next clue. It tells them to take a taxi to the Forbidden City and find the Meridian Gate. Once at the gate, they have to find a kiosk. The kiosk is pretty cool, and has three departure times on lit-up tabs that will determine what time teams head out the next morning. Phil also tells us that the first big surprise of the race awaits us at this kiosk. I wish he hadn't said that. It's not so surprising when you announce it twenty minutes in advance, Phil. Lyn and Karlyn take off. Duke and Lauren aren't far behind. Lauren guesses that the last team to the kiosk will be eliminated. Then she and Duke dismiss this as silly. Peter is visibly shaking, and Sarah asks a waiter to come over and check the bowl. He's done, and they head for the Meridian Gate in third.

Dustin and Kandice's cab driver has taken them to the wrong place. Whoops! David and Mary's hasn't. Mary takes the Roadblock, and it's not the eyeballs that are giving her trouble; it's the chopsticks. Aw. Dustin and Kandice wander to another place, but nobody there knows where the restaurant is. Tyler and James find the restaurant, and James takes the Roadblock. Mary finishes up. They did a good job! They're off to the Meridian Gate in fourth. As they leave, Kellie and Jamie are going in. Wow. Kellie and Jamie were on the later flight, and they're right behind Tyler and James now? They must have had the best cab driver in the world. James finishes his eyeballs. He and Tyler actually find a cab before David and Mary do. When they finally do hail a taxi, Mary spouts the titular quote. I just like saying "titular". Tom and Terry arrive, and Terry takes the Roadblock. Jamie gives off an orgasmic "Oh, my God!", though it's impossible to tell whether she thinks the eyeballs are really good or really bad. Terry dives right in. Jamie finishes, and celebrates with yet more clapping and yet more "woo!!!!". Terry finishes. Dustin and Kandice? Still lost.

Commercials. Crystal Light has fifteen "gorgeous" flavors. I guess it doesn't matter what stuff tastes like, as long as it's pretty. Right, girls?

Dustin and Kandice are still wandering around lost. It probably doesn't help that they're asking for the "golden" house instead of the "gold" house. They manage to find someone who knows where it is and is willing to walk them there. He says it's about a ten-minute jog away. Rob promises to tip his driver if he can get them to the restaurant fast. I hope he meant an additional tip. All the other lagging teams are worried about their slow-ass drivers too. Dustin and Kandice finally find the restaurant. Rob and Kimberly arrive at about the same time. Kandice takes the Roadblock. I think. She and Dustin are awfully...similar. Rob takes it, also. Kandice looks at the bowl of fish heads like they're about to come to life and attack her.

Meanwhile, at the Meridian Gate, Duke/Lauren and Lyn/Karlyn arrive, but go to the wrong area. Peter and Sarah manage to slip by them, and arrive at the kiosk first. They take one of the 7:00 AM departure times, of which there are four. Duke/Lauren and Lyn/Karlyn figure out where to go and also grab the 7:00 tabs. Tyler and James arrive to grab the last one. Back at the restaurant, Vipul takes the Roadblock. Kimberly yells at Rob to eat the eyeballs as he's...eating them. Kandice talks herself into not minding the eyeballs so much. Arti begins to cough and gag a little just from watching Vipul. She's glad she didn't take the task. Man, no kidding. David and Mary arrive at the Forbidden City, but get out of their cab too early. Tom and Terry shoot right by, as do Kellie and Jamie. Guess what they do. They clap. And they "woo!!!"

Gnat: "I'm calling them Woo and the Clap from now on."

Both they and Tom/Terry grab 7:15 AM tabs. The four of them huddle up and jump up and down in excitement. I sense a friendship in the works! An annoying one, but a friendship nonetheless. Erwin and Godwin's driver has taken them to the wrong place. Whoops! Is the Gold House a really unpopular restaurant or something? Kandice finishes her eyeballs. David and Mary grab the penultimate 7:15 AM tab. Rob is still working on his eyeballs as Bilal and Sa'eed arrive. Bilal takes the Roadblock. Erwin and Godwin are still wandering around lost. Kimberly helpfully spots the final eyeball for Rob to eat. She and Rob take off in ninth. Sa'eed goes to get Bilal some water. Vipul's having none of that, nor of separating the eyeballs from the rest of the fish heads. He's just shoveling it all into his mouth. That's really admirable, in a disgusting sort of way. It pays off, and Vipul and Arti leave in tenth. Back at the kiosk, Dustin and Kandice take the last 7:15 AM tab. Dustin is disappointed that two teams (Tom/Terry and Jamie/Kellie) from the second plane passed them, because they "worked so hard" to get on that first flight. You...drove to the airport. Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back just yet. Bilal finishes his eyes. He and Sa'eed are off to the Meridian Gate. After they leave, Erwin and Godwin finally arrive. Erwin takes the Roadblock.

Kimberly tells Rob to pull an early time. Sorry, suckas! Only 7:30 AM is left. There are three of those tabs, along with one that reads "Last Team". Dun dun duuuuun! Vipul and Arti are having trouble directing their cab driver to the Forbidden City, as are Bilal and Sa'eed. Erwin finishes his eyeballs. Vipul, Arti, and their cab driver go into a hotel and get directions. They're very calm for people who have got to know they're battling over last place right now. Bilal and Sa'eed's driver also gets directions, but still doesn't really look like he knows where he's going. The editing is cut to look like all three of these teams get to the Forbidden City at about the same time. First to the kiosk is Vipul and Arti. That makes sense. And yay! They grab their 7:30 AM tab. And the last 7:30 AM tab goes to Erwin and Godwin. Wow, Bilal and Sa'eed's driver must have been really lost. They take their "Last Team" tab. A guy in ceremonial Chinese clothing directs them over to the mat, where Phil pops out from the darkness like a mugger.

All the other teams are nearby, watching as Phil delivers the first "surprise" of the race: Bilal and Sa'eed are eliminated. Well, I suppose it would have been a surprise if Phil hadn't said something like this was coming up and there weren't a check-in mat, and Lauren hadn't guessed word-for-word that this is what was going to happen and if we didn't know there weren't enough pitstop elimination points announced at the starting line. But, you know, aside from that...total shock! Bilal and Sa'eed are obviously shaken up by this, but take the news with good grace. Godwin just about busts out crying. Bilal says that this just goes to show that you never really have control over anything; the Creator does.

Bilal and Sa'eed seem like pretty cool guys. Them sticking around would have meant that people who aren't used to seeing Muslims act like normal people instead of scary footage on the news could have re-evaluated their opinions on those who happen to be different. And I wish they hadn't been eliminated now. That said? The Creator didn't make you sit in a traffic jam you could have driven around. The Creator didn't hide Thrifty from you. The Creator didn't make you useless at using chopsticks. The Creator didn't get you lost on your way to the Forbidden City. People need to stop shoving the responsibility of all of their mistakes and decisions off onto the deity of their choosing, because when you start to do that, it's the first step on the road to deciding that since everything is in God's hands, you don't have to treat your fellow humans with any sort of decency. And that leads to...pretty much the unfortunate, willfully-ignorant, narrow-minded, intolerant, scientifically-stifled, jingoistic, rich-Christian-run society we have today. Sigh. So anyway, Bilal and Sa'eed are eliminated, and the other teams are sorry to see them go.

Commercials. Not that I expect crime dramas to be entirely realistic, but there is something fundamentally wrong with an FBI field agent looking like he's one of Spicoli's stoner friends from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

The other teams are sympathetic about Bilal and Sa'eed's elimination, but are still basically "Hey, better them than us" about it. The teams shuffle off, and night turns into morning. 7:00 AM. The teams are leaving in a straight line in the order they checked in, which is silly, because all they have to do right now is run to a line of World War II motorbikes and get on. The clue tells them to direct their driver to a specific street address, where they'll find a line of pedicabs and their next clue. Sarah interviews that she realized last night that her artificial leg is leaking hydraulic fluid, which Peter likens to a slow leak on a bicycle. He's not able to fix this specific problem. Does that mean Sarah doesn't love him anymore? She says that this problem won't cause any pain, but it will make the leg harder to run on. Lauren is happy with how she and Duke are communicating. Lyn thinks some of the teams are surprised by how well she and Karlyn did in the first round of this leg. Tyler and James call themselves "fighters", because they've been through rehab and all that.

Gnat's Stepmother: "Are we supposed to admire them? How about those of us who weren't drug addicts in the first place?"

Everyone runs for the motorcycles. One team member rides behind the driver, while the other rides in a sidecar. That looks like so much fun. They all rumble off. 7:15 AM. The second group (Tom/Terry, Kellie/Jamie, David/Mary, and Dustin/Kandice) get their clues. At the pedicab line, the lead teams are arriving, and the pedicab manager gives them their next clue. Detour! Labor or Leisure. What? Oh. Detour. Noun. A choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. If they're well-designed that is. There have been unfortunate Detours in the past where one task had all the advantages, and the other all the disadvantages. When it comes to this show, there is no quicker way to piss me off than a shittily-planned Detour. Unlike the Roadblock, if a team decides one Detour option is too difficult, they can switch to the other one, but of course that eats up time. So let's get to this particular choice. In Labor, teams use a pedicab to travel one mile to a market-type area. Once there, they have to pave a 45-square-foot section of sidewalk in a specific pattern. In Leisure, teams use to a pedicab to travel two miles to an extremely beautiful park. They will then take part in a Chinese relaxation exercise known as Tai Gee Bai Long (perhaps -- please excuse my spelling). It kind of looks like a mixture of dancing and Tai Chi. Once the team successfully performs the routine in unison, they'll get their next clue.

All four of the lead teams choose Labor. 7:30 AM. The three trailing teams (Rob/Kimberly, Vipul/Arti, and Erwin/Godwin) get their motorbike clue. Rob and Kimberly say they're going to concentrate on catching up with the others. Good strategy! Arti's pack is still really large and awkward. Erwin and Godwin hope to make up some ground. One of them calls Vipul and Arti "Team Karma". I'm not sure who coined that phrase, but I'm afraid that bragging about your karma is a really great way to get Fate pissed off at you. Peter/Sarah and Lyn/Karlyn have arrived at Labor. They see the example pattern that's already been set down for them. Phil voices-over that there is an outer ring of large gray bricks that must be placed before placing the inner section of red bricks for the pattern to work. Peter is spazzing out, and immediately starts placing red bricks while telling Sarah that she needs to back off and let him handle this. Sarah interviews that Peter can be hyper, which somehow leads to her saying that she's not very competitive with him. Not seeing the connection there, but whatever. Lyn and Karlyn have also started mistakenly placing red bricks, and Karlyn gets a bit snappy with Lyn as she asks her to go look at the example pattern again. Lyn interviews that Karlyn is "quick-tempered" and will blow her stack if she's not in control. The over/under on their race placement just dropped three spots.

Duke/Lauren and Tyler/James arrive. Lauren directs the bottom placement of red bricks, and Duke tells her that this can't be it; it's not working. Note how instead of screaming at each other or insisting that the other person is a moron who needs to shut up, they concentrate on the pattern, and try to figure out where they went astray. I like them. Tyler and James are the first to figure out the trick with the gray bricks, and Duke realizes it soon after. Hey, the two teams that aren't freaking out were able to solve the puzzle faster! Uncanny! Peter and Sarah are third to catch the snap, and Lyn and Karlyn finally start grabbing gray ones as well. Everyone's building steadily now. The second group arrives at the pedicabs, minus a lagging David and Mary. Dustin and Kandice head for Labor. Kellie and Jamie are cheerleaders, and Tom and Terry are hothouse flowers, so they naturally head for Leisure. They immediately get snarled in some traffic. David and Mary arrive a few moments later and pick Labor. Vipul and Arti are lost. They're going in circles, and can't find anyone to direct them to the pedicabs. Rob and Kimberly have found them, and Rob snipes impatiently at Kimberly to pick a Detour. She picks Labor. Probably the right choice for these two tiresome people, although it would have done my evil heart good to see them try and do the relaxation routine. Erwin and Godwin also choose Labor. Vipul and Arti still can't find anyone to help them, and being perilously lost must mean it's time for...

Commercials. Poseidon almost kills a fisherwoman because he has a headache. Maybe it's decompression sickness.

Vipul is cursing their luck at being stuck at a red light, but while they're stuck, Arti finds someone who tells them the way to the pedicabs. Hey, maybe there's something to that karma nickname after all. They find the pedicabs and head to Labor, but they're far behind by this point. The Labor teams are still building. Peter, who was spazzing at Sarah before to leave him alone and let him work, is now spazzing at Sarah to help him. Oh, and spazzing at Lauren to move a little so he can see the example pattern. Tyler and James finish first, and receive their next clue, which directs them to take a taxi to the pitstop at Juyongguan. I totally spelled that myself, and didn't use the subtitle at all. I sense I'm not fooling anyone. It's one of the gateways to the Great Wall of China. Oh, but they can't just run up to the mat. They have to scale up a rope climb and onto the Great Wall to reach it. I think this is the most difficult first leg ever run, which is great.

Tyler and James begin to hunt for a taxi. Peter and Sarah finish their sidewalk, and are off. Sarah's excited about the wall climb. Ah, this show's little ironies. Nuggets of joy, every one of them. After they're gone, Karlyn snarks that Peter tries to micromanage everything. Although Karlyn's grapes are beyond sour by now, she's got a point. Tyler and James see that Dustin and Kandice are arriving. Kandice interviews that the model boys are "attractive" and "dangerous". Oh, good. I was hoping for an exact replay of the whole Tool/Double D thing, because that was so much fun. As Dustin and Kandice get started on the bricks, Duke and Lauren finish up. They leave for the Great Wall. Peter spazzes at Sarah to get over to him, because he found a taxi. "Cab! Taxi!" she yells. These two are weird. It looks like they may steal the cab from an everyday citizen by claiming it's an emergency, though I'm not sure. Hmm. Using the artificial leg to get ahead of other teams? Fine. Using the artificial leg to swindle the general populace? Not as fine. Sarah hopes to slow the hydraulic fluid leak as much as possible. Tyler and James are still looking for a cab, but Duke and Lauren have no trouble finding one.

David and Mary arrive at Labor and greet Lyn and Karlyn. Tyler and James finally find a cab. Rob and Kimberly arrive at Labor. Lyn and Karlyn finish up, and leave for the Great Wall in fourth. Dustin and Kandice, who arrived at Labor at least fifteen minutes after the first group, are already done. Wow, I have to give them kudos for that one. Rob and Kimberly have started with the incorrect red bricks, and are already at each other's throats. David is walking right by them with the gray bricks, but they're too busy trying to one-up each other to notice. Rob interviews that "99.9% of the time", he's in love with Kimberly, but "the other 1%" is when they take tones with each other. Maybe she's taking a tone with him because he can't count to 100. They finally see David with the gray stones (what, you think they'd figure it out on their own?), and get back on track.

Kellie and Jamie are doing an annoying cheer in their pedicab. Tom and Terry, right behind them, do an identical cheer. I'd love to believe they're mocking the cheerleaders, but I think it's a weird bonding thing. They arrive at Leisure. The routine is more difficult than I originally thought, because you have to balance a ball on a large paddle, and occasionally toss it up into the air and catch it while you dance. They begin. Tom drops a ball, and there's an honest to goodness scratching-needle-on-record sound. Is this America's Next Top Model all of a sudden? Should I listen for the Crickets of Oh No You Di'int? Erwin and Godwin arrive at Labor. They pick up gray bricks immediately, but they're from David and Mary's pile. Hehehe. Everyone realizes it was an accident, and laughs it off good-naturedly. The teams at Leisure continue trying to catch their balls on the paddles. Vipul and Arti reach Labor. It appears that they know to use the gray bricks right away.

Gorgeous shot of the Great Wall. Peter and Sarah are psyching themselves up for the wall climb. Sarah interviews that Peter might be her great love, and that she has to risk her heart. Before we can completely slip into Sense and Sensibility, Duke and Lauren's cab has passed them. There's a slow-motion shot of Duke kissing Lauren's cheek, which I gather is supposed to be heart-warming. And it might have been, if the slow-motion shot didn't continue into Lauren wiping his spit off with her hand and making an "Ew" face. Tyler and James are fast arriving. Duke and Lauren stop to ask where the wall climb is, so Peter and Sarah surge ahead. They run up a flight of stairs, with Peter spazzing encouragement to Sarah the whole time. "You are my girl. You are solid. You are an All-American. You're a world-class athlete." Oh, how sweet. May I add one? "You are in the wrong place." Yep, they're on the wall all right, but not at the wall climb.

Tyler and James are first there, with Duke and Lauren right behind. James blahs something about being able to rely on Tyler. Tyler studs that he's not even going to use the rope's loops to help him climb, and makes it about two inches up before he decides that he needs them after all. Ha! Peter and Sarah arrive and suit up. Duke starts up the wall. Sarah does too, but has significant difficulty finding a foothold for her artificial leg. Tyler's up. Duke's making progress. Sarah continues to struggle. See, Karlyn? It's not all perks and early flight boarding.

Commercials. You know what makes tea taste better? Making the bag pyramid-shaped.

Sarah is still having trouble, but begins to make some progress up the wall. James is already finished, so he and Tyler easily hit the mat in first place. The white, muscly, pretty-boys in first? How exciting! I just may fall right off of my zzzz....... They win $20,000, and congratulate themselves on their "character". Ew. You know, they haven't done anything particularly annoying or smarmy or sexist this entire episode. And yet? I'm so stupefyingly bored with this archetype always leading the pack that I still want them to go away. Oh, well. I tried.

As Duke nears the top of the wall, Lauren starts to cry, because she sees how hard he's working and she's really proud of him. Aw. Lauren starts up the wall as Sarah's about 60% done. It looks like she's doing it by completely ignoring her artificial leg, using the rope loops for her other foot, and pulling herself up completely with her upper body. That shit is hard. Good for her. She makes it to the top, and Peter begins climbing. Lauren reaches the top, so she and Duke hit the mat in second. Yay! They're happy to be doing so well as a team. Peter reaches the top, so he and Sarah take third place.

Back at Labor, the news isn't so sunny. Mary's screeching tendencies have returned. She snaps at David to tend to his own section, because she's not his slave, and blah blah blah. It is fairly cute when they finish, and she thanks the man who gives them their clue in Chinese. She's never been out of a two-state area, and took the bother to learn how to thank people in their native tongue. Kinda makes people who snap rudely at the locals look like even bigger douchebags, huh? Rob and Kimberly finish their bricklaying just as Dustin and Kandice are starting up the wall climb. Lyn and Karlyn have reached the wall and are none too pleased with the task that awaits. Kandice reaches the top of the wall and kisses it. I don't know whether to be grossed out, or kind of impressed that a beauty queen is willing to kiss something that's had birds shitting on it for 640 years. Karlyn starts the climb, and doesn't do well, probably because she's not using the loops.

Erwin/Godwin and Vipul/Arti continue bricklaying. Tom and Terry finish the routine over at Leisure, although I will point out that they did it pretty much the opposite of "in unison". Apparently, it's good enough. They leave for the wall. Dustin and Kandice check in as team number four. Kellie and Jamie finish Leisure. Jamie reads off the clue. "Take a taxi to the Great Wall and find...whatever." Heh. Who would have thought "Juyongguan" would give them such trouble? David and Mary zoom along in their taxi. Erwin and Godwin finish Labor. They wish Vipul and Arti luck. They find a taxi, and... Hey, are Rob and Kimberly still looking for one? I guess so, as they are just now getting into one. Erwin and Godwin agree to let them follow to the Great Wall. Tom/Terry and David/Mary arrive at the wall climb, where Karlyn is still trying to even get started up. Tom and David start climbing. Mary thinks the climb looks really hard. Tom freaks out a bit about falling. Karlyn has finally started using the loops, but not very well. Vipul and Arti finish Labor. Teams continue climbing, but Karlyn falls right off the rope. It's only about three feet down, and both Lyn and the safety rope catch her, but yikes.

Commercials. I have to admit loving that commercial where the insomniac guy sits down at the kitchen table to have a chat with the dreams that miss him.

Karlyn gets the hang of the loops. No pun intended. Terry yells encouragement to Tom. David calls some advice down to Mary, and she thanks him by snapping that he's helping other teams. I think I've got it now. She's nice to absolutely everyone except her husband. How romantic. Rob/Kimberly and Erwin/Godwin arrive. Kimberly smokes Godwin on the wall. That's pretty freaking funny. Kellie and Jamie are just now arriving. Kellie seems to have no trouble climbing. Vipul and Arti are on their way, but it's not looking good for them. David finishes climbing, and Mary cautiously begins, naturally taking time out to yell a couple of times for her helpful husband to shut up. Karlyn makes it up the wall. Yay! She's not my favorite person ever, but that was extremely difficult for her, and she stuck with it. Tom makes it up. Kimberly makes it up. Good Lord, she was fast. Godwin makes it up. Kellie makes it up. Rob makes it up. So despite being on the loser flight, getting the loser tab at the Forbidden City, doing a mediocre job at the Detour, and taking forever to find a cab, one good wall climb has vaulted Rob and Kimberly into fifth place. Hmm. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Ditto Kellie and Jamie checking in as team number six. Erwin and Godwin check in as team number seven. Tom and Terry are eight.

Mary and Lyn struggle on the wall. Both David and Karlyn are trying to be supportive. One of the wall climbers keeps steadily working; one yells for her teammate to shut up. I'll leave it to you to guess which is which. Vipul and Arti are still in their cab. Sigh. Lyn makes progress. Karlyn yells down that this can't be any worse than childbirth. Hehe. Lyn finishes, and they check in as team nine. A significant slip. They're in trouble. They're understandably proud of themselves for making it over the wall. Mary apologizes for not being faster. David yells back that he still loves her. "Yeah, I'm sure," she snots. She finally makes it up, and apologizes some more. They're convinced they're last, and are stunned to find that they're team number ten. Mary hugs everyone, from Phil to David to the greeters standing nearby. Heh. Poor Vipul and Arti still have to do the wall climb, which they seem to be good at. They check in, and are eliminated. Damn. Their last interview is about how much they love and respect one another, and not that blatant ass-covering, you-just-saw-us-fight-for-three-weeks-but-we're-soulmates crap. Sigh. So two of the least annoying teams are the first two eliminated. I don't like what that portends.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Rob and Kimberly fight yet some more. Oh, fucking go home. Someone falls off a horse, and someone else gets dragged by one. Ouch! Peter and Sarah lose control of an ox-type animal, and Sarah breaks down crying.

Overall Grade: B+