The Girl Who Makes A Disclaimer

America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 4

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Cassandra wept as her long auburn hair was hacked off and "styled" into a hideous blond spiky mess. Isn't she a bitch? Sarah started down the path of the love that dare not speak its name. I'll speak it: Sarah's a gargantuan lesbian. Ebony was twisted all the way home. Eleven girls remain. Who will be eliminated or be erased from existence tonight?

Bel Air. The girls are at a restaurant rehashing the previous elimination. Diane in particular knows she needs to step up. Tyra enters and explains that the elimination was a tough one for the judges as well. Jayla says that it's tough to know exactly what she looks like when she poses because she can't step outside herself and see what needs to be adjusted. Pretty astute, that. Tyra tells her that it comes with practice. That's pretty much the whole scene. Was that really necessary?

Back at the model pad, Tyra Mail awaits. It mentions "swimming with the sharks" and the girls are ecstatic. Why? I have no idea. Do they think their challenge will be "Lay out on the beach all day"? Kim and Sarah head out to the pool. Kim harkens us back to the episode where Sarah made out with her in the limo. There's a taupe-filtered flashback for the forgetful and/or horny. Kim says she knows straight girls like the back of her hand. Hee. Yeah, breeders are simple to understand. Morning. Cassandra does some more harkening as she says that Tyra wants to cut her hair even more. Taupe-filtered flashback. She's not happy that it has to go even shorter. I was on her side last week, but I'm not getting this. We're talking maybe another inch. Yes, her hair will look like bloated ass when they do it, but it already looks like bloated ass, so why not? Nicole says the first intelligent thing we've heard out of her as she tells Cassandra that she needs to decide what's more important: the desire to be in the competition or her hair.

The Monster Humvee takes the girls to a house with a pool. The model pad has a pool. Why did they have to go anywhere? Eh, maybe it's because this one is curvier to make for a more tortuous challenge. Sarah says she was hoping that they were there for a pool party. I like Sarah, but no. This isn't summer camp. Miss J enters in a typically Miss J outfit: a swim cap, ladies bathing suit, sparkly flippers, and a hot pink cape. He explains that the challenge will be to do a runway walk (in a bikini and high heels) around the contours of the swimming pool. It's boring. As Cassandra walks, Miss J intones over and over "beauty pageant beauty pageant beauty pageant," which irritates the hell out of her, but is also kind of true. The difference between a model walk and a beauty queen walk is subtle, but it's apparent here. Sarah blows, of course, because sweet as she is, girlfriend can't walk. Kim also has never done well with the walking, so she sucks too. Then the girls have to dance around, posing with garish hats. Zzzzz. Diane's dance is so bad it's funny. Kim sucks again. She gets up on her high horse (she's been spending a lot of time up there lately, and I'm not happy about it) and explains that it's difficult to reconcile her masculine beauty and her feminine beauty, and that Miss J should understand that. How this translates to being a crap dancer is beyond me. Sarah sucks too, to the point where I'm actually embarrassed for her. Miss J picks her and Kim out as the worst, tells them to practice, and sends the girls on their way. Well, that killed a big chunk of time.

The sad music of Girl Who Just Got Eliminated plays as the girls return to the model pad to find new Tyra Mail about another runway challenge the next day. Weird that that music is making an appearance here. Nothing sad is happening. Well, Kim's ugly shirt is making me sad, but nothing besides that. Sarah interviews that she wasn't always a bad walker and thinks she's concentrating too hard on it. That makes sense. She and Kim flirt some more after practicing their runway walks for like forty seconds. Bre interviews that they're not practicing their walking enough and that it'll hurt them in the long run. Oh come on, Bre. It's not like Kim and Sarah are going to be the final two or anything. Silly girl.

Commercials. Target would be hard pressed to find a worse singer for their ads.

Morning. Diane interviews that she hopes the challenge will be exciting. Diane is going to be disappointed. Sarah and Kim flirt some more over breakfast. Sarah admits that she's attracted to Kim. No kidding. Cassandra is on the phone with her mom who is saying "this isn't really a principle...this is vanity," so you can totally tell that Cassandra was just off on some rant about how she shouldn't have to cut more of her hair because she identifies herself with it so strongly. Seriously, why is she all up in arms about this now? Wouldn't the tantrum have been better served when they chopped those other seven inches off? Cassandra isn't happy, but her mom zings her again. "The question is, do you love your hair more than you love this opportunity?" Nice! So that's two people (Nicole and Cassandra's mom) who have made the very valid point that she's got to give up the hair obsession if she wants to get anywhere in the competition. I'm sure she'll listen.

The Monster Humvee takes the girls to meet Sue Wong, a designer who will be judging the challenge. Her dresses are very dramatic, with an Asian flair. They're pretty damn cool-looking. Sue reveals the runway which is a nice, straight line...until you hit the rotating circle at the end. Yes! The girls have to step onto a moving platform in high heels and big dresses. Pure evil. The winner gets to wear one of Tyra's castoff dresses for the evening. Can't they just save time and spit in the winner's eye? That reward is terrible. The girls go in to hair and makeup. Oh, dear God. Sarah is wearing one of those fucking tank tops with the spray-painted name on it. I wish I knew whose idea those things were so I could punch them. She plans to walk very slowly so she doesn't fall. The challenge begins, and the outfits are very beautiful. Good job, Sue Wong. Coryn is fine, but boring. Nicole has some trouble with the rotating bit. Fugly Lisa is far too pleased with herself, as always. Kim sucks. She wouldn't look good in Tyra's dress anyway. Kyle, Diane, and Jayla have trouble, but I'm inclined to cut Kyle some slack because that dress is enormous. Nik is pretty. Bre is absolutely perfect at this. She looks fantastic and has not one iota of trouble on the rotating platform. Sue Wong feels Cassandra is too stiff. Sarah has a dress and headdress about as big as Kyle's and she's not sticking to her promise to slow down. The best thing that can be said about her is that she doesn't fall flat on her ass. Bre is the clear winner, which makes me smile, and she interviews that her win was "long overdue", which wiped that smile away. I can't love you if you're going to be all self-satisfied, Bre. Down that path lies Fugly Lisa, and you do not want to be there. She gets to choose four friends to go out to dinner with her. She chooses Coryn, Kim, Nik, and Jayla. They go out to dinner and Bre interviews that she looks absolutely beautiful in the dress. Grrr. Even more grrr, because she's right. She gets her comeuppance, though, because dinner is caviar. Now, I love caviar. But caviar and only caviar? For dinner? No. Bre says she wants to be respectful, and at the same time, wants to throw up. Let's consider ourselves even, Bre.

Evening. Tyra Mail with typical nonsensical blah. It instructs them to be ready at 7 AM, which makes Cassandra scowl. I feel you, Cassandra. Sarah and Kim jump into the pool. Bre and Jayla smoke and watch them, and Bre says that if she were Kim's girlfriend, she'd be furious. Hilariously, this is over a shot of Kim releasing one of those floating noodle pool toys, and it flies out of the water in a very...spurting arc. I'm just saying. Sarah interviews that she's at that stage of her life where she's curious and sexual. Oh, so she's a LUG. Or she would be if she were going to college. She and Kim make out in bed, just out of the camera's range. They may even do it. Who knows? Morning. Nicole snottily interviews that she's concentrating on the game rather that staying up till all hours practicing lesbian lip-locks. Oh come on, Nicole. It's not like Kim and Sarah are going to be the final two or anything. Silly girl. Kim's talking to Bre, who tells her that she may be leading Sarah on a bit (which does seem to be the case, as Sarah interviews about how this may be the start of something). Sarah calls her boyfriend and tells him about Kim. He seems equally intrigued and terrified.

Commercials. Hey, ladies! If you win America's Next Top Model, you can sit in a factory break room and sign a couple autographs! Reach for the stars.

The Monster Humvee drops the girls off at the photo shoot. OJ explains that it's a special effects shoot, and that the girls will have to be on a moving conveyer belt in front of a green screen, running as if they're scared of something. He introduces the photographer Mike, who is hot. Especially when he's standing next to OJ. But then, who isn't? The girls will be styled as "fashion victims". Nice of you to demonstrate for us, OJ. Oh wait, he actually thinks he looks good. Spew. He sends them off to hair and makeup and asks to see Jayla and Cassandra. Cassandra looks down because she knows some serious shit is about to take place. OJ tells Jayla they're taking out her extensions and Cassandra that they're cutting more off. Jayla is fine with that. Cassandra is not. She says she's not comfortable with them chopping more off. OJ reminds her that she has to do what the client wishes if she wants to be a successful model. He's right. Again, I was sympathetic to her plight last week, but it's just nonsense to make a big stink about it now. Plus, she's making me defend OJ, which makes me feel icky. He sends her off to think about it for a few minutes. Bre again plays den mother as she counsels Cassandra to go with her instincts. She means well, but Cassandra's instincts are really bad in this case.

Nik's up first. Every time I type "Nik", I accidentally type "Nike" and have to erase the extra letter. It's frustrating. She's Nike from now on. She rocks the photo, as always. OJ loves her. I'm calling her as the sleeper to win this season. Of course, that's what I said about Kahlen. Fugly Lisa is even fuglier than usual in her fashion victim get-up, which involves a traffic-cone-orange headband. There's some more lesbian blather from Kim about how she loves her girlfriend, so that she's just using Sarah for fun. That's fine and all (provided Sarah understands that and feels the same way), but we get it now. Enough with the interviews. Diane has some trouble with the posing. She is so out of here in a week or two. Coryn is boring some more. Sarah sucks some more. Bre is beautiful some more. Kim is unimpressive some more. Nicole looks good. I'm tired of Nicole looking good. I want Nicole to look like crap so they cut her. Oh, well. Jayla's hair is short again, and it does suit her more. She does well at the photo. Kyle does not. I like Kyle, but I have yet to see a good photo of her. Once Diane is gone, I feel like she's next. I'll enjoy my Kyle moments now, I guess. The stylist is trying to convince Cassandra that he won't make her look like any more of a circus freak than she does now (not in those words, of course), but she's not budging. She's made it into her personal crusade. I really want to be happy that she's standing up for herself, but this is such a stupid thing to cling to. OJ comes back to get her decision and she gives it: she will NOT cut her hair. Good day, sir! He sends her off the set, and much as I hate him, he's right to do so. Now, I don't know where refusing to get the haircut automatically means that she's out of the competition (Cycle One's Shannon refused to do the nude shot and was kept in), but apparently Cassandra's cut. Or she quits. It's hard to tell which. She interviews about not letting people change the way she is. Sigh. They already did that, Cassandra. She says that she's going back to pageants. I think that would be best for all involved.

Commercials. Do those overnight teeth whiteners actually work? I'm...er...asking for a friend of mine.

The girls ride back to the model pad and discuss Cassandra's choice. Fugly Lisa smarmily interviews that it's a real competition with her gone. If anyone out there is looking for a good holiday present for me, I'd like a crowbar and five minutes alone with Fugly Lisa in a dark alley. Thanks. That evening the girls receive Tyra Mail that there will still be an elimination, so Cassandra quitting didn't save anyone else. Now Diane is wearing one of those goddamn tank tops. Ugh. Kim is concerned about her chances. Oh, Kim...why? Just because you sucked at the pool walking and sucked at the runway challenge and sucked at the photo shoot? At least she's self-aware. She talks to Kyle about it, and it strikes me that this is about the hundredth time we've seen a girl baring her soul to another contestant, and that other contestant is always Kyle. We never hear what Kyle herself thinks, but she's always in the shot, being a patient listener. I'll bet she's going steadily insane. The other girls are stressed too. Sarah hopes that that she and Kim will be safe. Oh come on, Sarah. It's not like you and Kim are going to be the final two or anything. Silly girl.

We enter the Chamber of Doom on a shot of Tyra in a disgusting outfit that makes it look like Toucan Sam exploded all over her. For once, she looks bad on purpose, so mission accomplished. Prizes introduced. Judges introduced. The guest judge is Sue Wong. Tyra lectures the girls about Cassandra not having the adaptability to be a model. It's a fair point. She tells them that anyone else who feels that way can just leave right now. Nobody does, of course. She thinks Fugly Lisa may be considering it, which Fugly Lisa vehemently denies. As if, Tyra. If/when Fugly Lisa is finally eliminated, you'll have to drag her out of there as she claws desperately at the floor. Tyra harkens back (there sure is a lot of harkening tonight) to Cycle Two's Camille, who said "this is my signature walk and this is what is going to make me famous," which Tyra just loves. Now, I haven't seen Cycle Two yet, but 1) Camille isn't famous. 2) From what I've read, the instant she said that, Camille was doomed in the competition. 3) It made everyone instantly hate her guts. But let's forget all that! The final challenge will be that the girls have to demonstrate a signature walk of their own.

The girls walk. Nicole tries to put her hands in her non-existent pockets. Or she's just picking at the top of her skirt. Either way, it looks awful. I don't think Kyle's looks good, but I'm apparently going to be in the minority on this one. Bre does the same horse walk she did back in the first runway show the girls did. I'm not a huge fan of it, but it's individualistic, and thus fits the idea of a "signature walk" very well. Tyra gives her a snap up, and Sue Wong looks impressed too. Nike bobbles her head too much. Third time is not a charm for Sarah, who's still terrible. Kim comes out and makes the titular disclaimer that she knows she sucks at walking, but promises to get better. Fortunately, the judges look as horrified as I do. I don't take this competition very seriously, but "hey, this is going to bite, but it won't later" is a bullshit thing to say. Plus, she's always complaining about how the judges want her to be feminine, but that's not her style. Here she's given an opportunity to do a signature walk; she can be as butch and manly as she wants. And she still blows it.

Evaluations. Jayla's a trouper about the hair, but her walk wasn't good. Tyra explains that at the photo shoot, the girls were running away from something. And that something is...the fashion police witch. Um. I can understand running from a witch. I can understand running from the fashion police. But the fashion police witch? Mix a few more metaphors in, why don't you? Miss J is the witch, of course. He looks very Medusa-ish. Jayla's picture is good, but I'm not loving the yellow teeth nor the clearly visible tongue piercing. Coryn. Zzzzzz. Diane shouldn't walk at an angle. Her photo's OK. Kim. The judges yell at her for trying to absolve herself of responsibility. Tyra suggests she study male model magazines as well as female ones. Interesting idea. They do like her photo. Eh. Kyle. The judges love her walk, but not her photo. Fugly Lisa. Her walk was too safe for a signature walk, and she lost her neck in the photo. Nicole's walk was abysmal, and the judges are semi-unimpressed with the photo. Nike. They do not enjoy the bobble-head walk, and love the photo. Bre. Twiggy hates the horse walk, but everyone else likes it. They're not wild about the photo, but I think she looks great. Sarah. Sucky on all counts. Sue Wong says her biggest problem is poise. I think she hit the nail right on the head.

Commercials. I hate Nextels, and I hate the people who use them, but that commercial with the two technicians arguing over condiment status is hilarious.

Deliberations. The general consensus is summed up by Sue Wong once again. "Sarah is a mess." The rest is just the usual rehashing. Elimination. Jayla is safe. Kyle. Nike. Bre. Fugly Lisa. Diane. Coryn. Nicole. Will Sarah and Kim please step forward? Whoops! Looks like they are the final two after all. Who could have called that? Sarah's already crying. Tyra says she cracks under pressure. Kim was very disappointing this week. But she's being given another shot, and Sarah will be the one to go. Aw. She hugs the other girls. Ah, here's the sad music of Girl Who Just Got Eliminated again. Sarah interviews that she's learned a lot about herself. I'll say, what with the whole lesbian love affair. Come on home to Missouri, Sarah. As she gets the Back to the Future fadeout, we see that Cassandra is already gone from the picture. Ouch.

Well, for an episode where a hell of a lot happened, that was kind of boring. Next week on America's Next Top Model: The girls take a group topless photo of themselves. I'll bet Sarah's kicking herself over missing that one. Coryn's as fed up with Fugly Lisa as I am.

Overall Grade: C-