Who Deserves To Be Here

Top Chef - Season 1, Episode 1

With the end of Project Runway, Bravo was anxious to keep their viewers around, and probably knew that documenting the lives of boobalicious old women wasn't going to do it. So, they whipped up another reality show, this time to search for a great chef. Being Jewish means that food occupies 50% of my mind at all times, so I was immediately intrigued. Let's hope the producers can meet the high standards that Project Runway has set for them.

"WHAT. DOES. IT. TAKE. TO. BE. A. GREAT. CHEF," a robotic voice intones. Hey, they've got some fancy animatronic devices involved with this show. Oh, my fault. It's Katie Lee Joel, child bride of Billy Joel. She's got the emotion and expressiveness of a loofah sponge. She and the other judges explain the premise of the competition. If you've ever seen another reality show, you don't need much of an explanation. Basically, there are twelve chefs who will take part in various challenges, and one will be eliminated each week until there is a winner. With a nod and wink, we're told how emotional it can get when you're working with fire, knives, and people, but I make no allowances for assholery in the kitchen. They act like being a jerk chef is excusable, because there's so much darn pressure when you're working with other people. Hey, you know what other profession involves working with other people? ALL OF THEM. We're introduced to the judges. Aside from the android Katie Lee (and between this woman and Kathie Lee Gifford, that type of name is pretty much ruined for eternity, isn't it?), the judges will be Tom Collichio and Gail Simmons. Tom is apparently the Tim Gunn of this show, acting as mentor as well as judge. He rattles off his credentials. He's no Tim Gunn, but seems intelligent enough. Gail is a food critic for Food & Wine magazine. And the prize? An article in Food & Wine, a showcase at some food event in Aspen, a bunch of nice kitchen equipment, and $100,000. Not a bad package.

The opening credits are boring, but at least allow me to match up faces with names. Opening shots of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. I've been there! Such a beautiful city. Then we jump right into the introductions.

Harold Dieterle is a 28-year-old restaurant chef from New York. He's sort of cute, but describes getting into cooking so he could meet girls, which is pretty obnoxious.

Andrea Beaman is a 37-year-old natural nutritionist who teaches cooking classes. She's all about educating people on the use of healthy food. That's a noble calling, as long as she doesn't get all pushy about it like those people who yell "Do you know how much salt is in that!?!" when you ask them to pass the soy sauce.

Miguel Morales is a 27-year-old hotel chef. He breaks the reality show contestant mold by being ugly. That sounds like a mean thing to say, but I actually intend it as a compliment in this case. It makes him more down-to-earth, which makes the show more palatable (no pun intended), because as you'll see in a moment, "attractive" people can be way more annoying.

Candice Kumai is a 23-year-old culinary student. The first words out of her mouth? "Yes, I do modeling work," as if that's the first question anyone ever asks her. I instantly hate her guts. Here's a question for all you attractive people out there. Ready? Are you hot? If you answered "yes", you have automatically invalidated your hotness. Very simple. Arrogance cancels physical attraction. A splash of humility is what makes someone really hot. Plus, as with 99% of the people who go on TV and talk about how attractive they are, she's really not that cute.

Brian Hill is a 37-year-old personal chef and caterer. He lists some of the celebrities he's cooked for, including Eddie Murphy, Mary J. Blige, and Mariah Carey. Apparently, there's a clause in his contract that states he'll only work for black people.

Ken Lee is a 34-year-old restaurant chef, originally from Dublin, Ireland. He's good-looking, and heaven knows I'm a big sucker for English/Irish/Scottish/Welsh accents, so he's got everything going for him in my book so far. He'd have to be a major jerkoff for me to turn on him. But I'm sure that'll never happen. He says that learning to cook in Ireland is very militaristic. I'll take his word for it.

Lee Anne Wong is a 28-year-old chef for an event planning (read: catering for wedding receptions and such) institute. She's confident.

Stephen Asprinio is a 24-year-old sommelier in charge of the wine program at a restaurant. He claims to be a leader who sets an example that others should follow. I have the feeling if we all followed his example, personality-wise, nobody would ever get laid, and the human race would die out.

Lisa Parks is a 45-year-old cooking teacher, who is self-taught. The self-taught people always turn out to be likable, but way out of their league (see: Marla), so let's enjoy Lisa while we can.

Cynthia Sestito is a 52-year-old personal chef/caterer. She's one of those delightful Women Of A Certain Age who smokes and curses a lot, and are tremendous fun to hang out with. Her application tape shows her swigging from a bottle of liquor, and using another one to tenderize some meat. Hah!

Dave Martin is a 40-year-old restaurant chef. He's really prissy, which is the type of gay man I enjoy least. He says he used to be in the technology sector before becoming a chef. One moment he talks about how the technology field crashed, the next moment he's talking about how successful he used to be. Presumably that was before the crash.

Tiffani Faison is a 28-year-old restaurant chef. She immediately gets off on the wrong foot by saying "I don't want to be a cliche, but I'm not here to make friends." God damn it. Demonstrating that you know it's a cliche doesn't excuse you for using it. Santino said that. Jade said that. Someone always says it, and no matter how true it is, STOP! SAYING! IT! It is fast replacing "think outside the box" as the most annoying phrase of all time.

Perhaps two or three of these folks strike me as "real people". All of the rest are basically "personalities" or "archetypes", which may lead to some problems. You can't root for a "personality" - they have to be relateable. We'll see how it goes. We're taken directly into the first challenge. The chefs pull up to a restaurant called Fleur de Lys, which is apparently a well-recognized place in the culinary world. Katie Lee introduces herself, Tom, and the chef/owner of Fleur de Lys, Hubert Keller. EACH. WEEK. THERE. WILL. BE. TWO. CHALLENGES. Hang on, I'm going to plug in my Katie Lee to Human translator. There we go. It's all set up. Anyway, each week, there will be two challenges. First is the Quickfire, which is generally a short, simple test. The second is the Elimination Challenge. If you win the Quickfire, you have immunity in the Elimination.

Tonight's Quickfire is to competently hold down the restaurant line for half an hour. Cynthia describes for us what that entails. It's tough. You have to keep an eye on everything that's going on, plate dishes, clean dishes, do garnishes, follow the chef's orders, etc. Basically, you're doing everything except cooking the food and taking the finished product out to patrons. If Chef Keller doesn't feel the contestants are doing well for whatever reason, they'll be dismissed from the line, and the next chef will start. They get dressed and get going. Lisa's up first. She has no restaurant experience, and is thus doomed from the start. She gets 23 minutes in before she knocks some food over and is dismissed. Ooh, she almost made it. Miguel (8 years restaurant experience) is dismissed only three minutes in for nerves. Yeah, he's visibly shaking. Cynthia (19 years) doesn't even get to start, being dismissed immediately for wearing sneakers. I don't quite understand that. Who cares what shoes you wear in the kitchen, as long as they're practical? Andrea (no restaurant experience) drops food 16 minutes in, and is dismissed. This is brutal. Tiffani (6 years) is very impressive, and Chef Keller jokingly says he may offer her a job when all this is over. She jokes back that she may hold him to that. She does appear to be extremely competent, and is the first competitor to pass.

Dave (2 years) passes as well. Candice (no restaurant experience) is dismissed 10 minutes in for working too slowly. Brian (5 years) makes it to 19 minutes before he is dismissed, also for working too slowly. Stephen (7 years) makes it 26 minutes before being dismissed for nerves and slow work. Harold (13 years) interviews that seeing so many experienced people not make it made him increasingly nervous. Amazingly so, for as he starts, he's shaking so violently he cannot sauce the plates correctly. He only makes it 7 minutes. He's upset with himself. Lee Anne (8 years) sails through, and the other restaurant workers seem to love her. Ken (20 years) is last. You'll note he has the most experience working in kitchens. One minute in, Chef Keller asks him to test some sauce, and he does so. By sticking his finger into it, and then into his mouth. Wow. I don't want to get all "I don't know how they do things in Ireland, but here in the good ol' U.S.A. we don't do that", but seriously. Ew. Chef Keller is furious, and says that they have to throw out the sauce and start all over. Ken's tossed out. He goes out back to where the other chefs are waiting and tells them what happens, saying he always tests with his finger. Can I get the name of his restaurant so that I can studiously avoid it? Katie Lee, Chef Keller, and Tom come out back. "THE. WINNER. OF. TONIGHT'S. CHALLENGE. CANNOT. BE. ELIMINATED."

Commercials. Rapping and SpongeBob SquarePants. Together at last.

Chef Keller has chosen a winner from among the three chefs that made it through the thirty minutes. Tiffani and Dave both did an impressive job. However, Lee Anne communicated the best with all of the other workers, so she takes the win. She's happy. Another annoying cliche pops to the surface as she says she always "gives 110%". I may have to start keeping a tally of the irritating catchphrases this show perpetrates. Katie Lee introduces the next day's Elimination Challenge, which will be to create a signature dish. "GO. HOME. AND. ENJOY. YOUR. FIRST. NIGHT. IN. THE. HOUSE. FOR. ONE. OF. YOU. IT. WILL. BE. YOUR. LAST." God, she sucks. Chef Keller says he hopes they learned something today, clearly trying to wrap it up. Ken says he didn't learn a thing, because he wasn't in the kitchen long enough. Then, he aggressively asks Chef Keller if he threw the sauce out, like he claimed he was going to. Chef Keller tells him he shouldn't have stuck his finger in the sauce. You'll note he's avoiding the question. Ken asks again, just as rudely, and Chef Keller again dances around the answer. Which means he didn't. Ew. Make that another restaurant to studiously avoid. Way to uphold your reputation, Hubert. Not that that excuses Ken for being an ass, and Tom jumps in to take him to task. "Are you accustomed to talking back to the chef in his own restaurant? To show that much lack of respect?" He's furious, and is kind of my hero. Ken says he speaks his mind - that's the way he is. Tom says that what he's being is rude and obnoxious. Preach it. As they get ready to go, Ken picks some food off a rack. Tiffani spots him and yells at him. He tries to intimidate her. She shuts him down, which is fairly awesome. Ken, Tiffani, and Lee Anne are trapped in a very awkward car ride together back to the house. Hehehe. Lee Anne and Tiffani talk about how much fun the line was, and Ken agrees with them, noting how fun it was to taste the sauces. He's clearly just trying to get their goat, and the best way to respond to that is to not respond, but of course Lee Anne can't resist. She tells him to shut up and how much of a damper he put on her evening. I'm sure he cares.

As with the "do you consider yourself hot" question, there's another problem that's sweeping the nation. People who believe that since they "speak their minds", they're entitled to respect. Speaking your mind isn't an asset, in and of itself. What assholes like Ken fail to recognize is that speaking your mind when appropriate is what earns you respect. Talking back to a judge? Not appropriate. What, does he go up to people at a funeral and say "It's probably best that she's dead, considering what a bitch she was," and then claim that people shouldn't be upset because he's just "speaking his mind"? It's ridiculous. He's ridiculous.

Elimination day. Everyone goes shopping. They have $30 and one hour to get supplies. Wow, that's not a lot of money, especially in San Francisco. Still, the challenge is to make a signature dish, so the chefs have little to no excuse for doing a poor job. Here's their chance to play to their strengths. They shop. Ken wants a part of a chicken that's not on display, so he goes into the back and slices up a chicken himself. He wants you to be very impressed by this. Harold is still kicking himself for fouling up the Quickfire. Cynthia curses a blue streak, having not the faintest idea what she wants to do. Stephen brags to a guy in a flowered shirt about being a wine expert. The guy's like "Whatever, are you going to buy something?". I mean, is he going to get a good wine for under $30? And that's not even considering that it has to cover all his food expenses as well. He talks the guy into letting them taste some wines. Lisa and Miguel join Stephen for the tasting, and Lisa sucks up to him a little bit, which is exactly the right way to handle a raging narcissist.

The chefs file into the main kitchen to get started. Tom and Katie Lee follow them in. "WELCOME. TO. THE. TOP. CHEF. KITCHEN." The chefs will have three hours to get everything ready. Tom tells them that they'll be cooking for each other on this challenge. They seem excited about it. Tiffani interviews that this will be a good chance to see what her competitors' true level of skill is, as opposed to who's just all talk. This is hilariously voiced over a shot of Ken. Candice thinks she'll be underestimated, presumably because she's just so darn purty. Tom tells them they'll be split into two groups: red and blue. They'll be assigned teams by drawing lots (or in this case, knives). The red group will be cooking first. So they have to make enough food for six competitors and four judges to taste - with thirty dollars? I'm not seeing how anyone could get more than a single bite, which doesn't seem quite fair to judge upon.

The three hours start counting down. Candice is making a chicken shitake roulade, and interviews that the "eye eats first", so she wants to make it very presentable. Dave is making braised lamb enchiladas, which sound so good, I can't even tell you. Ken starts sharpening knives and screaming because he is still an attention hog. We all know how to react to attention hogs, right? Nobody on the show does. They're not pleased to be distracted by him. He interviews that since he doesn't own a restaurant, he doesn't have a signature dish. May I suggest he adopt the Shut The Hell Up Platter with a nice tall glass of Go The Fuck Away? He's working on some halibut/fig concoction. Lisa's making mushroom and shrimp risotto. I happen to hate mushrooms, and wonder how the judges can competently judge foods they don't care for. Nobody likes everything. Miguel's doing a duo of beef dish. Andrea's throwing some shrimp together with a bunch of vegetables, and interviews that she's got an advantage, because her food will make people take a dump. Hey, I just pass along what I hear.

With fifteen minutes left, Tom checks in. Dave has a long list of notes he consults. Heh, I'm like that when I cook, too. Tom asks Ken when he's going to actually start cooking the fish. What has he been doing for 2 hours and 45 minutes? Probably just running at the mouth, which he begins to do here. He yammers about how much he likes fish because he surfs and walks on the beach and blah blah blah. Tom looks desperate to escape. With five minutes left, everyone scrambles to make the finishing touches. Time runs out, and everyone covers their plate with lids. They head for the dining room.

Commercials. According to the products and shows advertised during this break, only women cook. Which explains why Tom is on this show. And Hubert. And Harold. And Stephen. And Brian. And Miguel. And Ken. And Dave.

Evening. Katie Lee, Gail, Tom, and Chef Hubert Keller are on one side of the table, the blue group on the other. If it were up to me, I'd have the tastings be blind, so that the people eating couldn't associate the competitor's personality with their food. Still, if I had my way, the outcome may have been very different this evening, so I should probably shut up. Andrea's shrimp/vegetable dish has plum sauce and an odd sesame maple cole slaw. Everything about Dave's enchiladas looks wonderful, from the handmade tortillas to the mashed potatoes that include black beans and sweet corn. Yum. Candice has included some wasabi mashed potatoes with her chicken, and topped the whole thing with soy/ginger cashews. Where can I buy those? Ken's is pan-seared Alaskan halibut with a bunch of tomatoes and figs that he tries to make sound fancy by giving them a foreign accent. Miguel's duo of beef includes filet mignon and short rib. Mmm. There only appear to be four shrimp on Lisa's risotto. See? How is everyone going to taste that? The judges dig in. Stephen gleefully points out to Brian that the kale on Andrea's plate has sand in it. Ew. Still, he's such a snot that I want to stick up for Andrea.

Judging. Nobody liked Andrea's plate, saying that the vegetables were either overcooked or undercooked. Yuck, nothing ruins broccoli more than undercooking it. They ask Tiffani what she liked. She enjoyed Miguel's beef duo and Dave's enchiladas. Stephen rips apart Candice's dish. Brian defends it. Stephen shoots him a dirty look, because how dare someone have a dissenting opinion? They ask for opinions on Ken's halibut. If he weren't a jerk that "speaks his mind", who knows what they may have said? What they do say is that it was flavorless. It looks like bad hotel food. Harold says he may be into fusion or "confusion" as the case may be. Hehehe. Lee Anne says that the attitude and ego that they've been dealing with isn't backed up at all by this food. Oh, snap! Lisa did well, considering her lack of experience. Everyone seems to agree that Andrea's was the worst. "NOW. IT'S. YOUR. TURN. TO. HEAD. INTO. THE. KITCHEN. I. HOPE. THAT. YOU. CAN. REALLY. IMPRESS. US," Katie Lee drones. Ugh. The competitors leave, and the judges deliberate. Gail is unimpressed with most of the entries. They do seem to like Miguel's beef duo.

The blue group cooks get started. Harold's making steamed snapper with some squash. It looks good already, and he hasn't even started. Lee Anne's working on smoked sturgeon and some form of potato salad. I'm pleased to see all these fish dishes. I love me some fish. She interviews that she's still working hard, despite her immunity. Stephen is searing lamb four different ways. It sounds good, but he's still so smarmy, it's hard to appreciate his creativity. Cynthia agrees with me, calling him full-of-himself. Lee Anne says that because he's a sommelier, he's a professional bullshitter. Ha! Awesome. Tiffani interviews that she's very focused when she's cooking. She's making pumpkin lasagna, baked inside a small sugar pumpkin shell. That's a very good idea. I've never heard of pumpkin lasagna, but it sounds tasty. Brian's making a Caribbean jerk chicken. With one hour to go, Cynthia still doesn't know what she's doing, saying she likes to do things "on the fly". She's toast. Harold interviews that watching her work is crazy - that's she just total chaos. It's true. She seems like a really cool lady, but that doesn't disguise her incompetence. There's a hilarious montage of her cursing all over the place. She calls Stephen by Brian's name. He snottily corrects her. If I were her, I'd call him Brian for the remainder of my time there, just to get under his skin. Tom checks in with 15 minutes to go. Cynthia appears to be working on some lamb/rice thing, but is still all over the place. People start plating things. Cynthia's meat is extremely rare. I think I can hear it still baa-ing. I like meat that's fairly bloody, but her meat is so rare, it's on the endangered species list. She's still not done when time runs out.

Commercials. Let us all be brought together in our mutual amusement at bad waitresses.

We're back at the judges' table. I don't know if it's supposed to be the same day or not. Stephen enters first with a threesome of braised Colorado lamb. Tiffani brings in her pumpkin lasagna. It includes orange/sage pasta. Looks good. Harold presents his steamed Thai snapper with squash sauce. Aside from the inclusion of Brussels sprouts and mushrooms, it looks wonderful. Lee Anne's smoked sturgeon is the only cold plate of this challenge. The greens she's topped it with look like they're overwhelming the fish. Cynthia comes out with her lamb and crazy rice, and blathers about a lost pomegranate and how things didn't come out how she intended and such. She needs to learn when not to be self-deprecatory. Brian has char-grilled jerked chicken breast, accented with coconut mashed potatoes (ew) and mango/papaya relish (yum). Everyone starts eating. The blue group paces nervously in the kitchen.

Dave tries to describe Cynthia's dish without being overly bitchy. The judges tell him not to be shy, since the blue group didn't have any trouble ripping on their food. Miguel still manages to be fairly diplomatic, saying that it was OK, but could have used better presentation. Everyone loves Harold's snapper, and Miguel compliments Lee Anne's seasonings. The compliments keep on coming as everyone justly loves Tiffani's creative presentation and Brian's chicken. Lisa says Stephen's lamb was beautiful. Andrea says that Stephen's had too many flavors, so she couldn't really taste anything. The red group doesn't have much trouble pegging Cynthia's as the weakest, though Lisa says that the lamb had some good flavor to it. They're dismissed.

The judges like Harold and Stephen's dishes as far as flavor goes, but Chef Keller says that if you consider flavor, presentation, and creativity, Tiffani is the frontrunner. Miguel's personality shows in his beef duo. Andrea's plate was a giant mess. Katie Lee asks if the other think Ken's dish got criticized on account of him being a giant tool. Tom thinks that the other chefs were actually looking for a reason to excuse his crap behavior by his being a fantastic chef, and were just as shocked as the judges when it turned out to be mediocre. Candice's was unimpressive, flavor-wise. The eye may eat first, but you can't ignore the taste buds, Candy. Guess she's not underestimated after all. The judges make their final decision. Katie Lee comes into the kitchen. "WOULD. HAROLD. STEPHEN. AND. TIFFANI. PLEASE. JOIN. US. AT. THE. JUDGES'. TABLE." They come in, and seat themselves. They're told they're the top three. Tiffani's held up really well to the dishes that had meat in them. Harold's snapper was flavorful. Stephen's was visually attractive. The winner of the challenge is - Harold. Nice. The others congratulate him. What does he win? Only the duty to call in Ken, Andrea, and Candice. He does so, after getting applause for his win. They enter the dining room, and are told they represent the bottom three. One of them is being eliminated.

Commercials. That's probably not the reaction I'd get if I walked into a party naked.

Ken's fish was bland and the seasoning was off. Andrea tried to do too much on the plate. Candice's was overcooked. They all agree with their critiques. And the loser is - Ken. Yes! "PLEASE. PACK. YOUR. KNIVES. AND. GO," the KatieBot tells him. That's the dumbest elimination line I've ever heard. They go back into the kitchen and Ken shares the news of his elimination. Everyone's like "sounds good to us". They're relieved at his ouster. Me too. He thinks his tone got him into trouble, but "That's me. I express myself." Well, bully for you. Now maybe you can work on when to express yourself. I'll even be nice and tell you where to express yourself. Loserville. Where you're headed. "Who's goin' down????????" You.

Instead of an episode preview, we get an entire season preview. There is rushing. There is cooking. There is fighting. There is spilling. There are fires. There are allergies.

Overall Grade: B-