I Covered His Mouth, Oh My Gosh!

The Amazing Race - Season 10, Episode 5

Previously on The Amazing Race: Eight teams stuck around in Vietnam for a while. Sarah went through another tough wall climb, though this time it was voluntary, so I'm not drowning in sympathy over here. Speaking of drowning, Peter could barely manage to pluck baskets out of the water without sending himself (and Sarah) to a watery grave. Rob and Kimberly snapped at each other a lot, but managed a first place finish, while Tom and Terry ran out of steam and got eliminated. Seven teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. Hey, Duke. Put on a helmet!

Ha Long Bay, Vietnam. Phil has no opening blather for me to ignore this week. Nice! Maybe they can hear me. Godwin! Take off your shirt! RoKi leaves the mat first at 1:47 AM. Their clue tells them to fly more than 3,000 miles to Chennai, India. That's Madras for you old-fashioned folk. First, they'll have to take the train into Hanoi. And since Vietnam has some weird regulations about ticket purchase, they can't get plane tickets at the airport, so it's recommended at the outset that teams go to a travel agent. We hear nothing about what the teams are supposed to do once they actually get to India. I'm confident it will be something; seven weeks of watching people mill around twiddling their thumbs would get boring pretty quickly. Rob interviews that the race is a metaphor for life, so they need to chill out. Easier said than done, but I'm glad they recognize that there's a problem. They hop in a cab. Peter and Sarah leave at 2:17 AM. Man, that was some lead RoKi built up last week. Sarah interviews (in fact, it looks like the same interview as last week) that she's past that whole Peter-on-a-pedestal stage of dating. It looks like she's going straight on through to the Peter-is-an-asshole stage with no stops in between. Tyler and James leave the mat at 2:21 AM. You may not have heard, but they're recovering addicts. Apparently, that's the only facet of their lives except that they're models. Addicts. Models. Consider it understood. James has to draw a picture of a train to get the cab driver to understand where to go. They have an understandable giggle over the dumb little drawing, but they manage to use the words "wack" and "bro" unironically again, and I've really had it with their Hipster Speak.

Erwin and Godwin leave at 2:28 AM. They're wearing matching shirts with a picture of Phil and the word "LOST" on them. I'm sure you'll find him at the end of the leg. They interview that they're on the race for the experience rather than the money, which is exactly why I would sign up. I mean, yay for the slim chance of getting a million dollars, but double yay for the 100% chance of a free trip around the world. They go on to say that because of this, they see no need to lie or cheat. So they're above devious behavior. We'll have to remember that. David and Mary leave at 2:49 AM. David makes no bones about wanting to win the money, so he can get out of the coal mine and take his kids to Disneyland or the Grand Canyon. Aw. I bet I know which one the kids would pick. Lyn and Karlyn leave the mat at 2:53 AM. They laugh about the fact that they're stuck together 24/7 now, and are pretty much sick of looking at each other. Hehehe. KanDustin are the last to depart at 3:46 AM. Ouch. Tom and Terry must have been terrible at the rowing. Hey, they never told us how much money everyone's getting this leg. It looks to be at least sixty dollars. KanDustin interviews that they have to pull out all the stops to avoid being last, and vow to play very aggressively in this leg. They hope the trains don't start running until 5 AM or so. They're in luck. The station's not open yet, so everyone catches up.

At 5 AM, the station opens. That sun looks pretty high in the sky for five o' clock. Whatever. Everyone hops on the same train. Tyler and James say they just witnessed some people shooting up on the side of the train tracks, and you'll never guess what it reminds them of. Couldn't the junkies of Chennai find a better place to do drugs then an open train station right by the tracks? Tyler interviews that he started doing drugs when his father died in a car accident when Tyler was fifteen. Yeah, that's a rough thing to happen to a teen. I don't quite understand how an upper-middle class boy makes the leap from grief over a parent to heroin, but I won't pretend that I can empathize with his problems. Meanwhile, Erwin says that he doesn't really know the interpersonal dynamic of the other teams, but that he and Godwin, Lyn/Karlyn, and David/Mary are pretty well cemented as a group. I'd say this is the first alliance that ever did anyone any good on this show, if these three teams weren't averaging a fifth place finish or so. Godwin finds a travel agent in some map or guide book, and passes the info along to David and Mary (Lyn and Karlyn, being seated right by Erwin and Godwin, presumably already know).

Peter witnesses all this. He tells Sarah he's going to the bathroom, but stops to tell the Underdog Alliance that he'll tell them the closest agent to the train station. They're basically like "Keep walking, white bread". He continues on into another compartment, where he tries to form an alliance of his own with KanDustin. He tells them that the Underdogs are sharing maps (yep) and money (not that we've seen, but it's possible). KanDustin says that they have nothing to help them once they get to Hanoi, so they're not sure what Peter is asking them for. He says he'll share his map with them if they remember that down the road. They assent dismissively. Once he leaves, they wonder what prompted his offer. They think maybe it's cause he's all crushy-crushy on one of them, which...let's not go down that road, ladies. I like you, but you're not exactly going to be the impetus for the Trojan War anytime soon. They shrug that they'll figure out if it will benefit them to work with Peter on a case-by-case basis. Good for them. On his way back, Peter again "slyly" tells the Underdogs that he'll share the name of the closest travel agent. "Well, tell me, and quit telling me that you'll tell me," Lyn says. Awesome. He goes back to sit with Sarah, and Lyn continues that they don't need Peter for anything, so his trying to play the Underdogs like they're stupid can just stop right now. Looks to me like he's just trying to get into an alliance because he feels left out, not because he thinks it'll have any appreciable race benefits.

Erwin and Godwin -- you know, the guys who said they're doing the race for the experience and thus don't need to resort to trickery? -- resort to trickery. They have a fake cell phone, which Godwin uses to "book" tickets to Chennai. Because trying to shake up other teams by pretending to do something which would be a good idea to actually do always works. Right? Dumbass. Peter leaves the compartment again, and the Underdogs giggle over how manipulative they are. Yeah, they're so manipulative that Peter borrows a local's cell phone to call and book tickets through a hotel. Nice going, twits. Peter books tickets for KanDustin as well, since they have such a powerful alliance now. Snerk.

Hanoi. Everyone gets cabs. Tyler and James say that they're working with RoKi to get tickets. Man, nobody can just run their own race anymore. Being able to rise and fall based on your merit as a team is one of the reasons I watch this show in the first place. If I wanted to see stupid alliances being formed and broken, I'd watch Survivor. Peter and Sarah's cab driver is fairly slow, so KanDustin beats them to the hotel where they're picking up their tickets. According to the subtitles, they ask the ticket agent to help them before helping Peter and Sarah, but the quote is clearly patched together from separate lines. Nice try, editors. Peter and Sarah enter, and Peter warns KanDustin not to screw him. How? By picking up the tickets you've already booked? This whole scene is just to show that Peter is far more interested in working with KanDustin than they are in working with him, which we already knew. Sarah doesn't get a vote, of course, because she's just baggage on Peter's Grand Adventure. Other teams arrive at various offices to get tickets. David and Mary get separated from the other Underdogs, so they find out from a local that the office they're going to has moved. Erwin and Godwin find out the hard way. A local leads David and Mary to one travel agency, while Erwin and Godwin stumble across another.

The agent helping Peter/Sarah/KanDustin tells them that there's only one flight today that connects through Bangkok and gets into Chennai at around 12 PM the next day. They go ahead and book it. Elsewhere, Lyn and Karlyn are getting the same tickets. Yet elsewhere, so are David and Mary. Mary asks the people working there several times if this is the quickest way there, even throwing in a strongarm tactic, where she asks what the travel agency is going to do if people beat her to Chennai. Um...shrug their shoulders and write off your entire existence? I'll go with that. What are you going to do, Mary? Threaten to never use this specific Vietnamese travel agency again? Mary's cajoling comes to naught, as we see Tyler/James/RoKi snag tickets through Singapore and Delhi that will get them into Chennai at 9:20 AM. Ouch. I have to make the statement once per season: they should just title this show Ticket Agents Are Always Wrong and be done with it. The agent tells them that she can't print the tickets; they're coming by messenger. Er, not really sure how that works, but OK. The teams stress about making the flight.

The four teams on the late flight arrive at the airport. Lyn/Karlyn and David/Mary have an amusing little exchange of "What flight are you on?" "What flight are you on?" "I asked you first!". Heh. They figure out they're on the same flight, and relax. But wait! Erwin and Godwin are still at their travel agency, and they've got tickets connecting through Hong Kong and Delhi that will arrive in Chennai at, you guessed it, 9:20 AM. Peter and Sarah wander by the Underdogs and Lyn asks him what flight he's on. He gives some bullshit answer, and for once, I'm on his side. You've openly snubbed him, Lyn. Can't really expect him to help you out. Of course, he's kind of stupid, so Lyn figures out his real flight (which we know is the same as hers). She does have the grace to be sort of amused about the shady deals at work. The teams waiting for the messenger tickets get them, and take off for the airport. Erwin and Godwin arrive at the airport, and tell the rest of the Underdogs about their (better) flight. Mary has an unexplained cut on her lip. That has nothing to do with anything. I'm just noticing it. Erwin and Godwin remind them that they can't buy tickets at the airport, so they all start trying to think of how they can get David/Mary and Lyn/Karlyn on that better flight. They look mildly frustrated at worst, but the music would like you to think this is the most exciting event in the history of the world, so I'll indulge it. WILL THE REST OF THE UNDERDOGS MAKE THE EARLIER FLIGHT?!?!?!

Commercials. I don't think I've ever heard so much about breast cancer prevention and research during any other Breast Cancer Awareness month. Well done.

The Underdogs decide to look for the Cathay Pacific office. That'd be the airline with the better flight. I really don't know what qualifies it as "not buying tickets at the airport", but whatever. Tyler/James/RoKi get to the airport. Mary finds the Cathay Pacific office, which has a sign reading "OFFICE CLOSED" on the door. She walks right in, anyway. Heh. She begs the people inside to help her. A kind soul agrees, and tells them that the remaining Underdogs can get tickets to Delhi, but do not have confirmed seats from Delhi to Chennai. They are put on the reservation list, but will have to wrangle actual tickets in Delhi. They decide to risk it, seemingly based on the fact that they don't want to sit around on a plane with Peter/Sarah and KanDustin. What a remarkably stupid way to play the game. By all means, risk the earlier flight. It has the potential to pay off handsomely. But don't make travel decisions based on who you want sitting at your lunch table. You may have noticed that some of those people you're disdaining have finished ahead of you in every single leg. Peter, Sarah, and KanDustin sit around waiting for their flight, and do a rather mean (and yet rather apt) imitation of Mary carping at David. Erwin and Godwin join them, and tell them all about the earlier flight, because while they're nice boys, they're dumb as a bag of hair. Heh, no wonder they showed the shot of Peter/Sarah/KanDustin sitting in the Lucky Cafe. But what's this? They've somehow found out that the Underdogs don't have confirmed seats, so they're going to stick with the flight that gets in two hours and forty minutes later. I think I'd rather risk not getting seats, but knowing three other teams are in the same position I am.

Everyone takes off on their various flights. People land at various airports. In Bangkok, Peter/Sarah/KanDustin try to wrangle a better flight. And by gum, they find one (separately). It gets them into Chennai at 7:50 AM. Geez. Guess that blows the hell out of my argument. Thanks, ticket agents. KanDustin walks up to a counter near Peter, and he asks them what tickets they've got. They lie that they're not sure yet. I'm sensing this alliance is not as strong as Peter would like to think. Peter wanders over, looks over Kandice's shoulder, and sees that they're on the same flight. Comforted, he walks away. Kandice rolls her eyes at the camera. She and Dustin bitch to each other about how irritating Peter is. Well, yeah, if he had pulled that on anyone else, he'd be a tool, but he thinks he's in an alliance with KanDustin. Why wouldn't he expect them to tell him about the tickets? Now that Peter knows they were trying to hide information, their pathetic little agreement breathes its last, and falls apart. Meanwhile, in Delhi, Tyler, James, and RoKi are not happy to see the arrival of the Underdogs. Their frustration is understandable, but their surprise that these teams were able to actually summon the intellectual fortitude to buy airline tickets is a little insulting. Lyn/Karlyn and David/Mary scuttle off to try and get tickets on the connecting flight. It's full, so they go on the waiting list. Eventually, Lyn and Karlyn manage to get tickets, but David and Mary, despite their pleas of an "emergency", do not. "Sucks for them," Tyler says from the plane. Indeed.

Commercials. Those whiny kids in the Pizza Hut commercial don't need a Family Value Meal. They need a sound thrashing.

David and Mary wind up getting tickets that put them into Chennai at 10:00 AM. So they'll be behind by forty minutes. Establishing shots of Chennai. Peter/Sarah/KanDustin land at 7:50 AM. Phil finally tells us what comes next. Teams need to get themselves to a bus station, then take a bus about 40 miles to the town of Mamallapuram. Thanks, subtitles. Once there, they have to find an arts and crafts shop for their next clue. Don't let the name fool you. This is no Hobby Lobby. It's basically a guy sitting in a ditch with clay statues all around him. Peter whines about going from one polluted city to another. Because America's smog-free. The two cabs pull close to each other, and when KanDustin's cab driver goes to tell the other driver something, Dustin (I think) covers his mouth with her hand. Limits! I'm fine with not sharing information with your competitors, although I have to think the cab driver's going to be able to find the bus station. It's sort of his job. But you do not cover a stranger's mouth to prevent him from speaking. It's mitigated slightly by the fact that she did it in the excitement of the moment, and immediately realizes that it isn't acceptable. To her credit, Sarah says in an interview that KanDustin are fierce competitors, and she doesn't seem to hold a grudge against them for trying to beat her. It drives me crazy when people take it as a personal insult that their competitors are actually trying to, you know, WIN. Right, Tom? KanDustin is first to the bus station. Peter and Sarah just get dropped off at a streetside bus stop, but manage to get on the correct bus fairly quickly.

9:20 AM. The rest of the teams arrive, save David and Mary. The Underdogs get a good jump on cabs to the bus station, while Tyler and James' guy gets a bit lost. Kimberly racks her head on the open cab trunk. Ouch! Is she going to get a disease from that? 10:00 AM. David and Mary land. I refuse to believe that they landed before the 9:20 teams found the bus station. Mary says that she doesn't believe they're in last place. Their subtitle pops up. DAVID & MARY -- Currently in Last Place. Hahahaha! Funny editors. They think Peter/Sarah/KanDustin are behind them, though David admits the possibility of a faster connecting flight.

KanDustin arrives at the arts and crafts store, only to find a little handwritten sign that reads "Back at 11:30 AM". I wonder if that was a real sign or if it's a fake point set to get some teams evened up. Sarah and Peter catch up. Peter gives them a slightly sarcastic "Nice job on the taxi," which they deserved. Erwin/Godwin and Lyn/Karlyn hop a bus. RoKi finds one soon after. Since there's no real good place to shoehorn in the next interview, they just stick it here. Karlyn is happy to be in India, because the people have more "substance" to them. Which means that they're fatter. She says she and Lyn got some points and stares from the skinnies in Vietnam. Heh. On RoKi's bus, they're noting the smell. There's some talk about how they want to be in Europe, not in these poverty-stricken nations. It's meant to make them look really rude, but as you hear Kimberly talking, there's a shot of her on the bus, and her lips aren't moving. So she didn't just insult Indian people to their faces, as we're meant to think. I'm not RoKi's biggest fan, but that was unfair.

Tyler and James get out of their crappy cab and wait at a bus stop. The arts and crafts store opens, so Peter/Sarah/KanDustin can get their next clue. Detour! Wild Things or Wild Rice. In Wild Things, teams go nine miles to a crocodile pit. They then "help" two professional wranglers secure a crocodile. Once that's done, they put it on a stretcher and transport it to a new pit. In Wild Rice, teams just walk a couple hundred yards to a temple that has several chalk outlines on the ground. Using a template, they have to fill in the outline with colored powder (made from rice) to match the example. That powder sure is pretty, but I'd head for the crocodiles. Which both lead teams do. Tyler and James are still waiting for their bus. They're bleeding all sorts of time. It finally arrives. David and Mary arrive at the bus station and get a bus fairly quickly.

KanDustin is fretting over what they'll have to do with the crocodiles, when their cab blows a tire. The driver starts to change it, and Peter and Sarah blow right by. They get to the crocodile pits and start to jog to the correct one. Peter yells to Sarah to hurry, which she can't, because as she helpfully reminds us for the trillionth time, her artificial knee is leaking hydraulic fluid. You'd think Peter would know this. Sarah snaps that she's going as fast as she can. They get to the pit and hop over the wall. The professional wranglers throw a rope around a crocodile and some blankets over his face. One holds the snout closed while Peter wraps a rubber band around it. Sarah has to do one, too. Peter does the absolutely most unhelpful thing ever and harangues her about every single movement she makes. Dude, back off. He flusters her to the point where it takes her longer than I suspect it would have otherwise. KanDustin's tire is fixed. Peter tells Sarah that this is simple stuff. She wastes an opportunity to respond with "Just like pulling up empty oyster baskets, eh, ASSWAD?". Oh, well. They lift the crocodile onto the stretcher with the wranglers' help. It thrashes a little, and one of the rubber bands flies off.

KanDustin arrives. Peter and Sarah now have to tie a rope around the crocodile, which they do (with assistance, which is a good idea). As they start to carry the crocodile out, they spot KanDustin, so Peter says... Let me see if I can properly convey this in print. "Sarah, come OOoooooOOOOOnnnnnn!" KanDustin is a bit scared of the loose crocodiles running around, but get right to work. It looks kind of fun, to be honest. Peter and Sarah help release the crocodile. Once it's free, they get their next clue. They have to go back to Chennai by bus and find the Karthik driving school. Hey, I went to high school with a guy named Karthik. Saw him at the reunion. He's doing well, though he had some ill-advised facial hair. Peter and Sarah miss the bus by about fifteen seconds, mostly because Sarah can't keep up. Now that they have to sit and wait for another one, Sarah has time to unleash. She tells Peter that she can't go faster, implying that maybe he should stop yelling at her. He tries to pawn it off on encouragement and race enthusiasm, saying that that's the way he is. Sarah says that maybe he should work on that, and he's basically, "Um, no. I'm perfect." She says they should work as a team. He says they are, because look, they're in first place. He condescendingly reminds her that it's just a game; they're there to have fun. "I'm not really having fun with you, Peter." You go, girl.

Commercials. It's sad how excited I am to hear that Campbell's is going to put sea salt in their soups. Yum.

KanDustin releases their crocodile, and are able to catch up to Peter and Sarah. Lyn/Karlyn/Erwin/Godwin arrive at the arts and crafts shop, and decide to go over to Wild Rice to see how difficult it looks. They have to take off their shoes and socks when they get there, and the pavement is really hot. They get started on the design, moping about how long it's going to take. RoKi gets their clue and chooses Wild Things. Kimberly sees a cow wandering around the streets and asks if it's a homeless cow. Rob puts his hand up to his face, and the music guys insert an honest-to-goodness "sprrrrooooooing" noise of doofitude. Peter/Sarah/KanDustin's bus arrives. The teams at Wild Rice decide that the task will take too long, plus the sun isn't doing them any favors. They ditch for Wild Things. RoKi has no problems with their crocodile. A local tells them that the bus to Chennai comes once every half hour. They become nervous when they spot the Underdogs arriving at the pits. Tyler and James get their Detour clue, and decide to check out Wild Rice, much as the earlier teams did. The Underdogs work with their crocodiles. Lyn has trouble getting over the wall. See, this is where that We Love Fat Indian People interview should have gone. They manage to catch up to RoKi at the bus stop.

Tyler and James, despite knowing that it'll take a long time, decide to do Wild Rice. The bus to Chennai picks up the teams at the crocodile pits. The two lead teams arrive in Chennai and get taxis to the driving school. Tyler and James plug away on their design. David and Mary make it to the arts and crafts shop, and he tells her to pick whichever one she wants. She chooses Wild Rice. As they walk over to it, David carps that the other one may have been easier. Passive? Meet aggressive. Oh, I see you already know each other. When they arrive at Wild Rice, they put on special clothes, sort of like smocks. Tyler and James see this and rush back to get their own. In the blurblet for this episode, I said that Mary and David made a stupid Detour choice, because they can clearly see that Tyler and James are far ahead of them. But I guess that they still think Peter/Sarah/KanDustin are behind them, so maybe not wrestling a crocodile was a good idea, considering Mary's hurt ankle.

Peter and Sarah arrive at the driving school. Roadblock! "Who's the driving force behind this team?" At this point, I would turn to my partner and say "Have fun". This Roadblock would be horrific for me. The chosen team member has to sit through a short lecture on Indian driving laws, then drive themselves (and an instructor) around the packed streets. On the left side. Yeeks. Peter takes it. The instructor giving the instructions is hilariously strict, given that he kind of looks like Elvis: The Bloated Years. Once that's over, Peter does quite a good job of driving through the streets. He's calmer than he usually is. He's certainly calmer than I would be. They get the final clue just as KanDustin pulls up. The clue tells them to drive themselves, along with the driving school instructor, about ten miles to the pitstop, the Chettinad House (which is a ridiculously beautiful old palace). They leave. Dustin takes the Roadblock.

Tyler and James think they're done with Wild Rice, but the judge points out a section they've done incorrectly. David and Mary think they're catching up, but they're not even half done. I'm not buying. Dustin has a few more issues with the driving course than Peter did, but still performs quite admirably. They're off to the pitstop, at which Peter and Sarah are now arriving. Phil tells them they're team number one. They win a home gym system. Boring. RoKi gets a cab to the driving school, but Erwin/Godwin/Lyn/Karlyn are told by a local that it's walkable. KanDustin checks in as team number two. They did a really good job this week. Phil wonders if they'll be the first all-female team to win the race. Kandice cutesy-poos that she thinks they will be. RoKi arrives at the driving school, and Rob takes the Roadblock. The instructor tells him not to drink and drive. Rob's all "duuuuuuh". Tyler and James finish Wild Rice. Mary and David carp at each other. Rob seems to actually have fun with the driving. He does really well, and RoKi leaves just as Erwin/Godwin/Lyn/Karlyn arrive. Godwin and Lyn take the Roadblock. Godwin almost sideswipes another car. The words "chaos" and "insanity" make several appearances. They finish at about the same time, and leave.

RoKi checks in as team number three. Hey, they didn't fight at all this week! David and Mary finish Wild Rice. The cutest little girl in the entire world claps for them. Erwin and Godwin check in as team number four. We finally see a closeup of their shirts. In addition to "LOST" and Phil's picture, they read "REWARD: Bushel of Kiwis". That's...not that funny. Phil thinks the photo of him on the shirts is ugly. Heh. Tyler and James arrive at the Roadblock. Tyler takes it. Lyn and Karlyn are team number five. They don't appear to care the slightest bit. They don't see Mary and David, and hope that the leg will be non-elimination. Tyler finishes driving. They don't even attempt to build any suspense, and just show us them arriving as team number six. They're humbled by their worst placement ever. The sun sets. David and Mary arrive at the Roadblock, and Dave takes it. Mary interviews how proud of David she is. She thinks it's over for them. When they arrive at the mat, Phil tells them they're last. But good news! This is, indeed, the first non-elimination leg. And thank the heavens, they've changed the rules. Phil no longer strips the team of their money and possessions, sparing us twenty minutes of begging next week. There's still bad news for them. If they do not arrive in first place at the end of the next leg, they incur an automatic thirty-minute penalty. This is a fantastic change. It penalizes the last place team, but gives them a fighting chance. Thumbs up. Mary says that coming in first will be ridiculously hard, but they're not going to give up.

Next week on The Amazing Race: KanDustin doesn't appreciate being outfoxed by Lyn and Karlyn. And...robotic camel racing? OK, then.

Overall Grade: B+