The Girl Who Wants It So Bad

America's Next Top Model - Season 1, Episode 1

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Nothing, because this show didn't exist. I got to borrow the Cycle 1 DVD set from my very generous friend Rood, and finally had the chance to break it out last night. Ah, the heady experience of watching catty bitches backstab each other for the first time. Nothing quite like it.

Ew. The opening credits have a superfluous apostrophe. The opening credits and I can never be friends. We're in Los Angeles, as 20 semi-finalists arrive at a hotel for their final audition. Why is the doorman's face blurred? I find it hard to believe they couldn't have gotten a signed release from him. Maybe he didn't want to be associated with such a trashy show. Loser. Tyra explains that only 10 of these women will move on to be finalists. We meet a few of the girls. Katie is claiming to be 21 years old. Katie is either a huge liar, or she's been rode hard and put away wet. Kesse has strange, disturbing lips. Elyse is really pretty and is rocking the short hair that a lot of other women try to pull off and cannot.

The judges interview each of the model wannabes. OK, twenty women. That's a lot. Let's zoom through them. The aforementioned Pretty Elyse is in medical school, but wants to try modeling before she's too old and crusty. Ebony is a bald lesbian. Katie says that a lot of people don't try to get to know her. For example, she loves animals! Wow, I can't imagine why more people aren't fascinated with her. April wants to be a model because she loves having her hair done. Karen likes makeup. Natalie comes from a broken home and wants to be a success story that her 23,000 siblings can look up to. Shannon is the blandest bland that ever blanded a bland, and is a Jesus-freak. Justine is a snotty bitch. Kesse refers to herself as a diva, which she is not cool enough to do. Adrianne is pretty, but her voice drives me crazy. She sounds functionally retarded. Then, a quick succession of girls we know have no chance: Shawna claims to be "on another level". Yeah, the cocaine-addict one. Christina says that her hair stands out, which, not. Nicole has flaming red hair, and says "I'm in law school." Wave goodbye to Nicole, because that is the one line she is allowed on TV for the rest of the episode, the series, and her life. Jakai loves her body. Glad to hear it. Back to the women who are allowed some screen time. Another Nicole. She's got kind of stringy, blond hair and feels that she can be a supermodel because she wants it so, so bad. OK, then. I want rock hard abs so, so bad. Hey, it's not working! Robin has a bubbly personality and an extremely ugly leather dress.

The girls wait to hear the results. Justine smokes out on the balcony by herself and calls everyone else annoying. Then she wonders why she has no friends. Tyra comes in and announces that they wanted to choose ten girls, but could only agree on eight. Ooooh, burn! And the girls who will be invited to New York are: Bland Nicole (They just say Nicole. How awesome would it have been if both of them had gotten excited and then Tyra explained to the red-haired one that whoops, she didn't mean her). Robin. Kesse. Elyse. Katie (Of course. Boo! They should have taken Jakai). Ebony. Adrianne. Shannon. And that's it! The losers talk about how they wish they weren't losers. I smile smugly as Justine whines and disappears off of my screen forever. Natalie is sad that her 23,001 siblings (another one was born as I was typing this) won't get to see her model.

New York. The girls explore their penthouse. The rooms are modeled after different fashion centers of the world. Tokyo! Milan! Paris! Miami! Wuh? I'm sorry, but Miami does not scream fashion to me. Plus, it's the ugliest room in the penthouse. Robin calls it "ironic" that she winds up rooming with Kesse and Shannon, the household's other two committed Christians. That is not ironic. That is not even coincidental, considering people chose their roommates. She couldn't be further from the correct definition if she tried. Why, it's almost ironic. Elyse interviews that she got the room she wanted, and has no interest in spending her time quietly reading the Bible. Preach it, Elyse. No pun intended. Sometime later, Tyra appears and springs the news that they're going to have ten competitors after all. She brings in two more girls: Tessa and Giselle. Nobody is happy to see them.

Tessa and Adrianne smoke out in the hallway. Robin appears and complains that the smell is getting into everything. We're supposed to think that Robin is a huge bitch for getting all up in arms, but seriously. They're in the penthouse. Smoke on the damn balcony. As a final treat for the evening, a personal trainer shows up to weigh the girls and announce their weights to the entire room, and then everyone gets a bikini wax. Fun! They receive another piece of Tyra mail that tells them to be ready at 7:45 sharp the next morning. Flash forward to daybreak. Ebony, along with the Christian Coven of Shannon, Kesse, and Robin choose to disregard the instruction to be on time, because they're dumb. What's taking Ebony so long to get ready? She's bald. The other three don't need to be on time because they love Jesus, and he loves them. Why bother showing consideration for anyone else? They miss the car to the photo shoot, and have to take a taxi. Tyra yells at them when they get there.

The photo shoot today will be swimwear. Outside. In the middle of winter. Oh, dear. Everyone's cold and miserable. The photographer is Douglas Bizzaro, and bizarro is right. Let the photo shoot begin! Katie's a big whore who's posing like she's in Hustler. Ebony has gorgeous cheekbones. Shannon says she can do anything because Christ strengthens her. I'm happy that she's so pleased with her spirituality, but posing in a bikini in cold weather isn't really about your faith in God. Like, at all. Tessa looks awful. Kesse takes to the posing very naturally. Elyse is really thin. No, really thin. For-seven-cents-a-day-you-can-make-sure-this-child-gets-all-the-supplies-she-needs thin. She tries to concentrate on the challenge, but the wind and cold reduce her to tears in no time. Have a bagel, sweetie. Giselle smarms about how she didn't complain when it was her turn to pose. Easy to say when you've got a more, shall we say, insulated body, isn't it Giselle? Bizarro and his assistant give critiques about each of the girls, which are very articulate and well-founded. It's so refreshing for there to be no sign of Orange Jay and his nonsensical babbling and scary teeth.

That night, at dinner, Elyse is outed as an atheist, and you can imagine how that sits with the Christian Coven. Elyse very calmly states that just because she doesn't believe in God doesn't mean she doesn't have ethics or morals. Seriously, I like Elyse so much.

Judging. These new (by which of course I mean old) judges scare and confuse me. It's nice to see Crazy Janice still in place, but where's Nigel? I want Nigel! Anyway, the judges are dull except for Janice and guest judge Douglas Bizarro, so I'll deal with them another day. The girls line up to see their best shot. Katie tries too hard. She's giving this faux-smoldering look into the camera and hooking her thumb into the waist of her bikini, which looks stupid. Kesse looks really, really good. Robin's shot comes out looking much better than I thought it would. Elyse is thin and miserable and it shows. Shannon looks terrible. I guess Christ's love wasn't enough to save this picture. Ebony's pose is not great, but her face is very striking. Tessa's bent over and looks silly, but since the pose wasn't her idea, I can't pin all the blame on her. Nicole, Giselle, and Adrianne's photos are all so boring that I can't even remember them.

The judges deliberate. Adrianne's feet are too big. Katie's got a lot to learn. Kesse is beautiful, and everyone loves her. We get our first glimmer of Janice's disdain of heavier women as she tears Robin to shreds. That's unfair. If you don't want to include a plus-size model in a competition like this, that's fine, but don't purposely cast one to show what "most women are like" and then criticize her for being the very body-type you wanted. There's nothing wrong with Robin having some meat on her bones. There is something wrong with Robin being a hypocritical, judgmental bitch, but I feel like she got a lot of unjust remarks from the panel. There are ten girls, but only nine photos. Whoa, that's way too many to count down, so we'll just cut to the chase. Tessa's ugly, and she's out. Sounds good to me.

"Next week" on America's Next Top Model: The models compete in a runway challenge. Ebony and Elyse hate all their roommates. I can't imagine what possible problems a lesbian and an atheist would have in a household with the Christian Coven.

Overall Grade: B