The Girl Who Walks On Water

America's Next Top Model - Season 4, Episode 12

Previously on South Africa's Next Top Model: A bunch of horseshit that resulted in Brittany's undeserved elimination.

We're down to the final three! Let's meet our girls. Kahlen is a small town girl with no modeling experience. She's never even seen this show before, a fact that makes Tyra give her quite the dirty look. She takes wonderful photos, but lacks confidence. Has she not won a single challenge? Huh. I guess not. Naima is the reformed party girl, who has muffled her past, causing the judges to criticize her for being in a "shell". Keenyah has weight issues and is confident (read: a bitch), which can lead to arrogance (read: a megabitch). Tyra says that she is "hungry for success", which is hilariously mean.

Cape Town. The girls visit an outdoor zoo, and walk up to a pen of cute little birds. I know those aren't penguins, but they look mighty close. I have no idea what they really are. Wow, those two biology degrees are certainly well-deserved, aren't they? Keenyah asks if they're going to attack her. Oh, if only. Tyra meets with the girls one-on-one. Kahlen talks about how a lot of people never believed in her, and didn't think she'd make it in this competition. Naima talks about how much more comfortable with herself she is now. Keenyah thinks that she eats because she has an oral fixation. So chew a damn pen like the rest of us. All in all, the "Tyra is caring den mother to the girls" is always a really boring segment that does nothing but helps kill about five minutes.

Tyra Mail! Kahlen reads it out, and it includes the phrases "draw on everything you've learned" and "duck for cover". Kahlen jokes that the challenge will be drawing ducks, which would have been sweet. The girls show up bright and early, and the first thing they're faced with is Orange Jay. Gah! Not that I'd ever be happy to see him, but I'd be especially ooked out at the crack of dawn. He asks them if they're ready for a runway show. Kahlen smiles widely, interviewing that she thinks she excels at runway shows, so she's got this in the bag. Orange Jay quickly crushes her dreams by announcing that the runway show is a fake, as a backdrop for the Cover Girl commercial they'll be shooting today. Kahlen's smile fades rapidly. "Acting is not my thing at all," she interviews. Acting's not her thing. Dancing's not her thing. Posing with boys is not her thing. Kahlen needs to get a thing. In addition to the commercial, the girls will have a close-up beauty shot taken for a print ad. Jay blathers about how great Cover Girl is. Ew. Next time, make the product placement a little less blatant, and have someone who doesn't look like a sandblasted mannequin deliver it.

Kahlen is extremely nervous about the commercial. Keenyah is very confident and says that she'd be a great representative for anything in the modeling world. I don't quite hear the rest because I am choking on my own hysterical laughter. The ugly makeup artist gives Naima a bunch of crap for being a quiet girl. Shut up, Ugly Makeup Artist. Less yakking. More covering up the unfortunate zit that Naima seems to have sprung. The fake runway show starts. Miss J is there, and tells Naima not to lead with her chin, because otherwise, everyone can look right up her nose and "see what [she's] thinking". Ha! I love Miss J. Keenyah looks great, but is a bit overconfident, tossing in a lot of winks and kisses at the camera. Orange Jay complains that she doesn't look natural. This from a man who's so processed and bleached and waxed and tanned that he looks like a cross between a Ken doll and an Oompa Loompa. Kahlen is fine, if a little dull, at the runway scene.

Now it's time for the girls to deliver their lines. Naima's a little wooden, but does fine overall. Keenyah flubs her lines a bit, but seems very natural and poised for the camera. Kahlen, as she predicted, sucks rocks. "Jesus Louise-us," she mutters after she messes up for like the fortieth time. Aw, she's cute when she's incompetent. Finally, the girls pose for their beauty shot. Keenyah's up first. Orange Jay babbles on and on nonsensically as he always does. Miss J manages to insert a line about how she shouldn't lose her neck, which is the only piece of helpful advice to come from the observers. Naima thinks the beauty shot is a bit tough, but she turns out beautiful, as always. Kahlen wants the beauty shot to redeem her crappy performance in the commercial. As she tries to smile naturally, Miss J tells her to imagine farting and smiling at the same time. Kahlen cracks up, and the photographer gets a great shot. See? Miss J is effortlessly smarter, funnier, and cooler than Orange Jay.

The girls discuss how they think they did. Keenyah interviews that the judges see something special in Naima that she doesn't see. That'd be a soul, Keenyah. Naima is nervous. Kahlen thinks she really underperformed, and is convinced she's going to be cut. Judging time. Wow, Keenyah's necklace is really, really pretty. The guest judge for today will be Gretha Scholtz, who's a designer for a bathing suit line called Poison Ivy. Red, blotchy skin is certainly what I like to think of when I'm purchasing a bathing suit. Why not just call it the Eczema line? Tyra explains the prizes for the show, as she does every week, then says that the two finalists will compete in a runway show. Janice begs to be in the show. You can play with the other models when your Botox is through hardening, young lady.

The girls are being judged on three things today: the commercial, the beauty shot, and a model walk. Naima's up first. On anyone else, the walk would be fine, but I think it's pretty poor for her. Janice agrees with me. The beauty shot could not look better. It's simply perfect (Nole disagrees, but I tend to ignore him because he's stupid). As to the commercial, the judges are very impressed. Tyra in particular didn't think Naima had it in her. We have to hear again about her troubled past. Janice tells her what's in the past is all over now, and Naima bursts into tears for no apparent reason. All right then. Keenyah. I like her walk, but the judges, especially Gretha, don't feel it was up to her standards. The photo is great, except for one thing. Yes, she's lost her neck, which makes her head look disproportionate. Should've listened to Miss J, Keenyah. The judges are wishy washy about her commercial performance, but I think she did very well with it. Kahlen. Her walk is stiff and her face isn't the least bit expressive. Nigel notices that she holds her breath when she walks, which you really cannot do. Tyra doesn't like her beauty shot, but I think she looks terrific; very natural and relatable. I thought she was just so-so in the commercial, but the judges are more generous than I am.

Deliberations. Everyone loves Naima. Kahlen's pictures are great, but she loses a lot of appeal in person. Keenyah is striking and pudgy. The girls come back in. Here we go. Naima is safe. No surprise there. Would Keenyah and Kahlen please step forward? Tyra makes them face each other, and tells them that every quality that they lack can be found in the other girl. As she begins to pull out the photo, it cuts to commercials. You rat bastards!

OK, we're back. And the second finalist is....Kahlen! Oh, snap! Keenyah starts crying. We see Keenyah's portfolio, and she took some really awesome photos. Of course, she proceeds to piss away any lingering respect I may have had for her by turning her entire exit interview into a list of reasons why Kahlen sucks. Not what she's learned. Not what she's accomplished. Just that she's shocked she's leaving because she's so much better than Kahlen. Keenyah? Sweetie? Fuck off.

The next day, Kahlen and Naima interview that they like each other, but cannot be friends right now, because they are in direct competition. Sounds fair. They head for the fashion show. Orange Jay is waiting for them, and looks even more hideous than usual. He's wearing a kind of pink outfit with weird straps and a neckline open to the chest. It really highlights his skin tone, and that is not a compliment. We are seeing way too much of him this episode. He explains that they will be modeling clothes from three designers, then points out the runway, which is partially submerged in water. That is so cool! Miss J appears and demonstrates walking on the runway. He also calls them "model tramps" and tells them they have move on the water like Jesus, who had all the hip action under his robe. Ha! Flash forward to show time. Tyra comes backstage to wish them luck. They're both very nervous. Kahlen is petrified she's going to fall right off the runway into the water. That'd make for quite a finale. The girls don't talk to each other, concentrating very hard on the show ahead. The judges file in and sit down with the rest of the audience. Miss J is dressed head to toe in African garb, complete with the Erykah Badu turban.

First pass. I'm not loving these outfits they're wearing. They're kind of slutty goth style. Both Naima and Kahlen do excellent walks and poses. The second pass is evening gowns, which are totally gorgeous. Kahlen walks confidently as she interviews that she was "stomping" on all the people who didn't believe in her and the little girl who didn't believe in herself. I understand, but the imagery of stomping on a scared little girl is probably not what she was going for. Work on your metaphors, Kahlen. Third pass is swimsuits, and this is the big one. Tiny, complicated suits that shows everything. Plus, this is the pass where Naima and Kahlen will actually walk by each other. Naima interviews that when she sees Kahlen, she'll be all like "Look bitch, this is what I have to offer." Only Naima could say that and make it sound like she still totally respects Kahlen. The suits are bizarre, but they both look great. During the finale, all the models come out and dance around in the water, and you can tell they both had a blast. After the show, Kahlen sneaks up on Naima and gives her a monster hug and a kiss. Aw. I cannot tell you how wonderful and refreshing it is to watch a finale where I like both of the finalists.

The girls feel great about their performances in the show and in the entire competition, as they should. The final Tyra Mail appears out of thin air. Kahlen reads aloud about the upcoming judging, then squints and pretends to read "Kahlen, you are the greatest model in the world", which leads Naima to fake-read "but Naima, your walk tonight was beautiful." They both crack up. They both rock. They enter the judging wearing the same beautiful evening gowns they wore for the show. Tyra introduces them a final time, saying that Naima is from Detroit, Michigan, but that Kahlen is from "Oklahoma". That's it. We don't get to hear what town she's from, because it totally doesn't matter. The whole Midwest is just a gelatinous mass of flyover country, right? Asses.

Tyra recaps the prizes as if we didn't just hear them ten minutes ago. They watch the fashion show, and the judges love both of them. The final "challenge" is to compare the girls' photos from week to week. Here's how they stack up in my book. Aliens. Advantage: Kahlen. Her makeup helps a lot, but she gave a terrific pose as well that really works for her. Naima looks fine, but a bit bland. Walkin' The Dogs. Advantage: Kahlen. She's got a kind of pouty mouth, which I usually hate, but looks great here. Again, Naima looks OK, just not as good. Wet and Wild. Advantage: Naima. She has a badass look on her face that just pummels Kahlen's generic pose into the ground. Seven Deadly Sins. Advantage: Kahlen. For once, Nole says what I'm thinking, that Kahlen is personifying the definition of Wrath. Naima looks good as Envy, but is simply outshined by Kahlen. Animal Safari. Advantage: Naima. Everyone loves Kahlen's springbok photo, but I find Naima's cheetah much more alluring. The Aristocrats. Advantage: Naima. The judges call this her best photo, and I agree. It is just flawless. That makes it 3 to 3, and they both look so great in the Cover Girl beauty shot. If I absolutely had to pick, I'd choose Naima's as being better. Tyra asks each girl why she thinks she should be America's Next Top Model. They both give bullshit beauty pageant answers that judges love about overcoming the Shy Girl inside.

The judges deliberate. They think that Kahlen has the more solid portfolio, but that Naima completely rocked the commercial, beauty shot, and fashion show. They bring the girls back in. Tyra informs them that it was the longest deliberation the judges have ever had. Easy to see why. And the winner is.....Naima! Yay! She yells with excitement. Kahlen starts to cry. Tyra hugs both of them, whispering "I'm so proud of you" to Kahlen. Kahlen interviews about how much modeling means to her, and what she's learned about herself in the process. She's sweet. She'll do all right for herself. We flash back over some pictures of Naima's childhood and some clips of her during the show. She gleefully announces that she is, in fact, America's Next Top Model. That you are, Naima. Cheers!

Overall Grade: A-