The Girl Who Flops in the Mud

America's Next Top Model - Season 4, Episode 10

Previously on America's Next Top Model: The girls left a dismal, rainy LA for a wild kingdom adventure in South Africa. Keenyah was fat, while Naima was phat. Michelle got eliminated, and was sent packing. Better luck with the wrestling, Michelle.

Cape Town. The girls' hotel room is really nice. Who says starving yourself for a career that you're too old for when you hit 35 doesn't pay off? Tyra comes to visit the final five, wheeling in a cart of food. Ah, the traditional visit to show that Tyra is more than a harsh judge, pointing out every smidge of cellulite. She's a caring friend! Everyone settles in for dinner. Keenyah interviews that she was in the bottom two last week, and needs to step it up. Or something. I'm having trouble paying attention to what she's saying because I'm blinded by her lip gloss. Three layers is probably enough, Keenyah. Naima talks about how she used to be a party girl, drinking all the time, and in her efforts to move on from that, tends to put up a wall around herself. Tyra tells her that she needs to let her personality shine through, and Brittany nods emphatically, thinking "Yeah, you need to hang your ass out of more windows. That's personality!" Kahlen talks about how much she's learned about modeling and about herself, and starts to tear up a little. That girl is smart. Tyra loves a crier. Christina wants to show the more caring, warm side of her personality; she's just nervous in front of the judges. Tyra tells her to picture all of the judges in their underwear. Keenyah points out that Tyra would be gorgeous in her underwear, so that's no help. I can't decide if Keenyah was being witty or being an ass-kisser there. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. After Tyra leaves, Keenyah takes a plate that's pretty much still full of food up to the cart for another helping. Man, she's thisclose to doing all her modeling at the Hefty Hideaway. Call Mr. Pinky!

The next morning, the girls head for their first challenge. They meet Jackie Burger, who is the fashion director for Elle in South Africa, and Paola De Vito, the CEO of the National Association of Model Agencies. Jackie is really pretty. I love women who can wear gray hair gracefully. Paola is...not as pretty, but she's smart as a whip, and has one of those adorable South African accents. I like her. She tells them that their challenge will be a series of "go-sees", wherein the girls visit a bunch of designers, photographers, etc. and try on some of their clothes. They'll be judged on arriving (so they get points for just showing up), personality, portfolio, look, and professionalism. Paola tells them that they can go on as many go-sees as they like. The only hard and fast rule is to be back by 4:30. "That's the only thing you MUST do." Gee, with the way Paola's really emphasizing punctuality, I'll bet all the girls make it a priority. Everyone takes off. The way they're all rushing around in cabs, I feel like I'm watching The Amazing Race. How cool would it be if one of them had to shave their heads to win a challenge?

Christina is not winning over the designers. She just kind of stares at them a lot with her crazy eyes. Kahlen's having a bunch of problems getting in to see people, because she can't figure out the keypads out front. Brittany interviews about how professional she's going to be, then grabs her boobs in front of one of the designers. Professional! A designer asks Kahlen if she's done "ramp" work. Kahlen thinks he means "rap". After she gets it straight she says no. Five seconds later, she says "I mean yes." The designer looks at her as if she were retarded. Naima and Keenyah are closing in on the same designer at the same time. Naima gets there first, but Keenyah runs up ahead of her and gets in the door first. She interviews about how she has to be ultra-competitive to stay in the game. Well, there's competitive and there's plain rude. Naima's pissed. She interviews that Keenyah is not going to take this away from her. Looks like she just did, Naima. Don't worry about it. You look better in the clothes, anyway. Brittany tells a designer that she's over that party stage in her life (HA!). Kahlen racks her head on some steps (HA!). Christina stares at a designer like she's wondering what her liver tastes like (HA!). Keenyah pulls the same body check crap on Kahlen as she did on Naima. Kahlen is a good egg about it (saying she's not right for the hip-hop style of this particular designer), but she's annoyed. Preach it, Kahlen. Instant karma strikes, however, as the designer thinks Keenyah's too fat to model for them. It's time to go back, but Christina wants to do one more go-see. She rushes through it, paying no attention to what the designer is saying because she's worried about making it back on time. Bad move.

Everyone rushes back to the hotel. I said everyone rushes back to the hotel. Naima, what are you doing? OK, Naima's not rushing back to the hotel. She makes a decision to try and go to everyone on the list rather than returning. This is a tough call. On the one hand, Paola did say that it was extremely important to be back on time, and it's unwise and rude to ignore that. On the other hand, this competition is not going to last forever. Naima wants to make South African contacts, and she thinks it's more important to meet everyone than focus on winning one challenge. Not that she actually meets anyone. The challenge is over, and everyone's either closed or unwilling to meet with her. One lady says "we're in the middle of a strategic planning meeting" which is code for "we're trying to decide which of these hats to put on the mannequin tomorrow." Naima gets back 45 minutes late. Oh, Naima. No. I like you, but that is just plain wrong. Keenyah thinks Naima did it on purpose to impress the judge with her commitment to see everyone. Way to miss the point, Keenyah. Paola rips Naima a new one, then announces the winner of the challenge: Keenyah. OK, then. She's going to a party at one of the designer's houses, and chooses Brittany to take along with her.

Keenyah and Brittany leave for the party. "Any situation we have, she's gonna be fun," Keenyah interviews about Brittany. My, the Irony Fairy is getting a good workout lately. In the limo, Keenyah rates the other girls and why she didn't pick them. Meow! For a nice contrast, back at the hotel, Kahlen beautifully toasts Naima and Christina. Kahlen's a sweetie. Brittany is...well, basically Brittany at the party. She steals the spotlight, which makes Keenyah jealous and peeved. Nobody to blame but yourself for that one. "I hope I'm not too annoying!" Brittany brays loudly, clearly thinking that she's being deliciously clever. I hate people who call themselves annoying, high-maintenance, rude, etc. and think that by admitting it, everyone else is just supposed to accept it. The solution to you being annoying is not admitting it. The solution is to stop being annoying.

The main challenge starts at 6AM the next morning. Ick. Nobody looks good at six in the morning. The girls will have to "kloof" which is just fancy talk for hiking to their next shoot. They're introduced to Anton, the photographer, who's dreamy. They kloof along, Brittany complaining, Naima enjoying it, and Kahlen simply describing it as "an experience." They get to the site, where Orange Jay is waiting. I just cannot look at him without wanting to hit him with a lead pipe. Their challenge will be to use the surrounding environment as their outfit (though the show cheats by making them wear bikinis underneath. Boo!), and pose in front of a waterfall. The girls meet Q, the fashion stylist. Good, something else to rant about. People who give themselves asinine names in a pathetic attempt to appear special are stupid. Wow, that was a short rant. OK, then let's talk about Q's job. The girls choose what parts of nature they'd like to use. They also choose where on their body they'd like it to go. Q's entire job seems to consist of nodding thoughtfully, saying "think about your look", and passing the pruning shears. I'll bet she made more money for this shoot than I make in a year.

Photo shoot. Jay's annoying commentary on the girls runs throughout, but I care too much about my sanity to revisit it. Keenyah has pasted a bunch of grass on her stomach to try and hide that fact that she's getting heavier. It doesn't work, and looks silly to boot. She also has attached leaves to her leg and chest. It doesn't look good at first sight. There seems to be a fern taking root in her cleavage and growing out of it. Her hair looks pretty, though. Naima has tried a sort of camouflage approach, using stripes of mud to try to blend into the surroundings. Brittany goes that one further and rolls around in a mud puddle like a prize hog. As she poses for her photo, Jay repeatedly tells her to tone down her sexuality, and try to think of it more as a serene, innocent shot. Kahlen eschews the green surroundings and covers herself with dead sticks instead. Christina covers herself with some leaves, and in a very Pocahontas moment, puts a pine branch in her hair that sticks up like a fan. It looks good. She's very mechanical and technical during the shoot, and I'm almost positive they had to blur her boobs. Were they hanging out? Weird.

Judging. The girls come in. My God, Keenyah. Step away from the lip gloss. Admitting you have a problem is the first step. All the usual judges are there, plus guest judge Paola De Vito. Tyra breaks it to the girls that they will be judging each other's photos as their final challenge. Janice gives them this awesome look, like, "let the bloodbath begin." Brittany's up first. I'm so torn on her. If I ever met her in person, I'd hate her immediately, but girlfriend takes some awesome pictures. She looks terrific. There's some blather about how the mud makes her neck look thick, but I'm not seeing it. Kahlen. Keenyah and Christina harp on the fact that she looks surprised. Naima says that it works for the shot, and I agree. It gives her a dreamlike quality.

Christina. As I thought, the branch in her hair looks awesome, but that's about the only good thing. Her shoulder is hunched forward and looks terrible. She has a half-smile on her face like the camera went off too early. Everyone criticizes the slouching. Except Brittany. Throughout this challenge, Brittany never uses a word more than two syllables long or beyond a third-grade reading level. She can't come up with a single relevant point, good or bad, regarding anyone's photo. Keenyah. She looks better than I originally thought. I like the big palm frond on her leg (Christina disagrees), but the grass on the stomach is ridiculous. Naima. Hoo boy. This is not a good picture. Her face is all washed out and she looks almost monkey-like. She has a good pose, though.

Now the girls have to say who they think has the most model potential and who has the least. Keenyah says that it's a tie between Brittany and Kahlen for most, and that Naima has the least potential because of the "shell" around her personality. So she's just parroting the judges' critiques from last week. Lame. Christina thinks Kahlen has the most potential, and that Brittany has the least, because she only has one look. Interesting. Naima thinks Kahlen has the most potential, too. Kahlen is on fire! As to least, Naima picks Christina, calling her "bland". At first Brittany says that she herself is the best, but takes it back and chooses Keenyah as best and Christina as worst, both due to facets of their personalities. She does realize that most models will never meet the people seeing their pictures, right? Who cares what their personalities are like? She's dumb. Kahlen picks Keenyah as the strongest, and Christina as the weakest, cushioning the blow by saying Christina would be good at modeling expensive-type fashion only. I'd agree with that.

Now it's time for the judges' take on everything. They think Keenyah was a bit too catty in her critiques. In her photo, Janice doesn't like the way the body is positioned, but likes the face. I feel the exact opposite way. No mind meld with Janice for me. Nole tells her that her shot "doesn't show fashion". Yeah, Keenyah. How are you going to sell those palm frond outfits looking like that? Shut up, Nole. The judges agree that Christina is robotic and cold, from the go-sees to the photo shoot to the critiques. Tyra says that models slouching is becoming very fashionable. I don't buy it. Naima needs to show more personality. She explains that she used to be very wild, and that she's trying to get away from that sort of life. The judges exclaim that they've finally seen the real Naima, but frankly, I don't see any difference. Then again, I think their claim that she needs to let more personality out is bullshit. Not everyone is loud and outgoing. That doesn't mean there's nothing to them. They hate her photo, but loved her critiques. There's no mention of the late arrival at the first challenge, so I guess they don't care. Kahlen. Tyra likes the photo, but says that it's the only good one Kahlen took, and that this was her worst shoot to date. However, they loved her critiques, and 3 of the 4 other girls chose her as having the most model potential. Brittany. The judges all love her photo, praising her over and over about her sensuality and saying that every teenage boy would want this shot above his bed. Janice calls Nigel a "big ol' horny judge", which was funny, but what's really hilarious is that everything that the judges like about the shot is what Orange Jay told Brittany to tone down. Man, even the judges ignore his advice. Yay! Photo shoot aside, the judges think Brittany hasn't learned a thing since she arrived. Nole tells her she's acting like she's in high school. Never thought I'd see the day when I was all, "sing it, Nole".

The girls leave, and the judges have their final discussion. Nigel likes Naima. Everyone hates Christina. Paola thinks Keenyah has a lot of potential. Janice loves Brittany. Tyra inexplicably shifts into some weird ghetto-speak, saying that the only reason Janice likes Brittany is because she reminds her of herself. What follows is so awesome that it has to be transcribed almost word for word.

Nole: Her first face, anyway.
Janice: Don't even get me started, you short, fat, squatty, bald, blind boy.
Nole: All right, you plastic-surgery victim freak of nature.
Paola: This is what I've been waiting to see.

Hahahahahaha! That was totally the highlight of the season so far.

The girls come back in. Naima is safe. Keenyah is safe. Kahlen is safe. Would Brittany and Christina please step forward? Tyra tells them that both of their photos are fine (which is not true), and says that they're both on the bubble because of their attitudes. Christina is an ice-queen. Brittany is a bubblehead. There's very little suspense, because everyone loved Brittany's photo so much. Indeed, Christina is cut. She cries, and hugs everyone. As she packs, she interviews that she doesn't know where confident meets cold, and she'll just have to learn from the experience. Sounds good. On occasion, she looked very, very pretty, but I can't argue with the judges' choice.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Everyone hates each other. Naima stalks out of the room. Keenyah and Brittany are so not BFF anymore.

Overall Grade: B-