Wedding Bell Blues

Top Chef - Season 1, Episode 8

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs were split into two teams to create a new restaurant concept. On the blue team, Lee Anne's teammates Miguel and Stephen both sucked so hard, a series of black holes formed in the kitchen. On the red team, Dave was the expert at socializing with his guests, but couldn't manage the same positive attitude in the presence of his teammates. Lee Anne, Miguel, and Stephen were sent to the losers' table, and Chunk LeFunk was Truffle Shuffled all the way home. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

San Francisco. At the IHOF, Stephen smarmerviews that he and Harold are the best two chefs in the household. Tiffani interviews that as the competition gets stiffer, people are starting to make things personal. I guess she's referring to the "I'm not your bitch, bitch!" comment. She vows to never personally attack anyone. Something smells like foreshadowing. Dave, Harold, and Lee Anne sit around worrying what horrible challenge the judges are going to throw at them next. Sigh. If only they knew. Lee Anne interviews that she wants to win. I want you to win, too. Fingers crossed.

Quickfire. The chefs file into the Kitchen. KatieBot tells them that the challenge this week is to work with a specific client. The chefs will work together as one team to cater a wedding reception. The Quickfire Challenge will be the chefs pitching their ideas to the happy couple. The winner will not receive immunity; only the honor of having their menu prepared for the reception. Hmm. So, there's absolutely no advantage to winning except the knowledge that people like your ideas. In fact there's a disadvantage, since whoever wins knows that the Elimination Challenge will be based on their menu, which puts them in a precarious position when it comes time to choose who gets eliminated. We're off to a bad start. Dave starts his rolling-shoulder tic. Man, that's annoying. KatieBot brings in the couple; two gay men named Scott and Scott. Yeah, that's a serious problem with dating in the gay community - you never know when you're going to wind up with someone with the same name. Although, I do know a straight couple named Ryan and Ryan. What? I know I'm spinning off into tangents! Don't make me go back to this episode! OK, fine. Stephen interviews that chefs can generally be more creative and do more exciting things with their food for gay couples. I can buy that.

Scott1 tells the chefs that they'd like a Pan-Asian meal with fusion influences. They'd also like some form of prawn canape, and four additional courses, including dessert. Scott2 says that wedding cakes are traditional as far as weddings go. Ya think? The Timpani of Doomed Chefs that we've been hearing all season sounds here. Seriously. These chefs have been admitting since almost the very beginning that they have no experience with pastry-making. In addition to pitching a menu to the Scotts, the Quickfire will include a sketch of a wedding cake and preparing a cold prawn appetizer for them to taste. The reception will be for 100 guests and the budget will be $3000. They have thirty minutes to throw everything together, and get started.

Stephen interviews that you have to take the amount of guests into account when planning the menu, and that practicality is key. That's two interviews in a row from him that are perfectly reasonable, and don't make him sound like a huge douchebag. Is he feeling OK? Tiffani says that the dishes made for large crowds have to appeal to a large amount of people. Too bad Andrea's not still here to tell them about the wonderful crap they'll take after they eat. That's a people-pleaser! Dave has catering experience. Harold has Asian cooking experience. Lee Anne throws together some origami, and puts some watercolor paint on her menu to demonstrate how the dishes might look, color-wise. I'm surprised she has time to get that detailed. Harold bemoans his lack of art talent. People draw. People make prawn appetizers. Time runs out.

KatieBot returns with the Scotts, and they start with Stephen. He's made tangerine prawn escabeche, and wants to go with a Japanese theme for the main courses. Pretentious Chef to English Dictionary: Escabeche. Noun. A Spanish dish of poached or fried fish covered with a spicy marinade. Back to the show. Stephen outlines his ideas, pausing only to graciously receive a compliment on his appetizer. Seriously, is he coming down with something? His menu is woefully esoteric, as always. You will not please 100 people with grilled squid. It also includes lobster and veal, and KatieBot asks him if he can stay within the budget. He says yes, but let's not forget that last week, he had already "spent" more than double his budget on restaurant supplies before he even knew what he was doing. Tiffani. She's made Thai shrimp spring rolls.

Sidebar. Anything to escape this episode for a minute or two. The show is using the words shrimp and prawn interchangeably, and because I'm a science geek, I wanted to dig into the differences between them, consulting both my old invertebrate zoology textbook and a few cooking sites. The answer? Not many. They're extremely closely related taxonomically. As far as cooking goes, the word prawn is almost obsolete by this point, but if it is used, it's likely to be referring to the larger types of shrimp. Cue "The More You Know" star.

Tiffani's menu theme is Chinese-influenced, and she tries to work around her lack of experience in cake-making by suggesting 100 small, individual cakes rather than one large one. I know she's only suggesting it to get out of doing something she doesn't excel at, but it's really not a bad idea in general. I work at a restaurant that caters weddings, and one couple did exactly that, and they were the best little cakes I've had in my entire life. The Scotts like her appetizer. Harold. He plays off his lack of art skills. Heh. His appetizer is poached prawn wrapped in cabbage. He begins to explain his menu, which includes something about papaya salad and braised beef rib, and Tiffani interviews that although Harold's menu sounded good, it was too "conceptually out there" for 100 people. Dave's appetizer is a prawn bruschetta. He begins to explain his menu, and gets into his usual worked-up, arm-flailing state, which Harold and Stephen giggle over in the background. As the Scotts meet Lee Anne, she says that as they can see, she "the only real Asian in the room." Hehehehe. Her appetizer is crispy prawn toast. Interesting. Her menu includes Peking duck. Dave interviews that he's concerned that other chefs' menus (meaning Lee Anne's, I guess) are too complicated. Lee Anne's cake idea includes a passion-fruit filling. That sounds good. It sounds good to the Scotts too, because they select her as the winner. Yay and boo at the same time!

Elimination Challenge. Yes, it's time to cater the Scotts' reception...which is taking place the next afternoon. No, really. NO, REALLY. The chefs are unhappy to hear it. They have no idea how they're going to pull this off, and Lee Anne calls it "virtually impossible". Now, I'm not one to say that the challenges that the show throws at contestants necessarily have to gauge actual chef skills. For example, it's extremely unlikely that knowing how to put together a dish out of ingredients found at a gas station is really going to help these people in their careers. It was just done to see how the contestants would respond to it. But at least then, the judges could claim that they're testing the chefs' abilities to think on their feet. This is different. Telling them to create a full meal for 100 people in 24 hours (or less) is just going to end in heartache, and it cannot be used to fairly judge who's competent or not, unless someone really screws something up. Plus, the planned menus may have been very different if the chefs had known of this time limit. Seeing the chefs squirm can be fun. This is just cruel.

Commercials. I have to admit to liking that FedEx ad with the attacking lobsters. It gives me hope for my own army of killer crustaceans. But perhaps I've said too much.

If the establishing shots are to be believed, it's already evening when the chefs are told that the reception is the following afternoon. Oh, here we go. Lee Anne tells us that they have 16 hours. Blah blah split up tasks. Blah blah someone gets eliminated tomorrow. Now, the full weight of the hell she's brought upon herself hits Lee Anne, as she now has to assign the other chefs specific tasks. I so would have thrown this Quickfire on purpose. Harold calls the challenge "ridiculous". I agree with him. Dave agrees to prepare the appetizer, the crispy prawn canape. Stephen will do the amuse bouche (more appetizers). Harold gets the first course, which is seared salmon. Tiffani gets the second course, Lover's Nest, which is a vegetable dish of some kind. Lee Anne is taking on the main course. I guess it's not Peking duck, but Peking-style beef. All right, then. Everyone's going to work collectively on the cake.

Ah, yes. The cake. So. None of the chefs are accomplished at cake-making, and they now have to prepare not only a cake, but a wedding cake, and it must be done within 16 hours. What, no more obstacles? You don't want to blindfold them or anything? Faced with the other tasks they must get done by the next day, Lee Anne just suggests they buy pre-made cake mix. I guess we're supposed to be all up in arms about how these supposed professionals are taking such an easy shortcut, but I don't blame them one tiny bit. Tiffani specifically asks the entire group if it's OK that they're doing this. Nobody disagrees, although Stephen gets shifty-eyed. Once the group splits up, he suddenly decides it's time to register his disapproval of the cake mix idea. If I were one of the other chefs, I'd be like "You don't want to use cake mix? Fine. You're in charge of the cake. Have fun." I can understand his reservations, but it's not like he has any better ideas on how to handle this.

Tom enters. Boo! Since I always feel like spitting every time I see him (ptooey!), I'm just going to call him Ptom from now on. He asks about everyone's catering experience and verifies that the chefs are going to work throughout the night. Stephen smarmerviews that there was no need to pull an all-nighter. Dude, were you even listening when KatieBot gave you the challenge? Ptom tells us that this is going to be a challenge of stamina. Because that's so important in the cooking industry. Shut up, Ptom. The chefs leave to go shopping. Keep in mind that it's now night, and there's really no specialty market open to get quality ingredients, so the chefs have to get their supplies at the grocery store. I'm just going to rehash this challenge one more quick time. 16 hours to pull together a ceremonial meal for 100 people, including a course you have no experience in, plus all your food is coming from the local Piggly Wiggly or whatever. Yeah, this'll end well. Harold continues hating the challenge. I continue agreeing with him.

At the fish counter, which is probably about two minutes from closing, Stephen asks for some oyster, and Harold inquires into the available salmon. It's not promising. He can either buy fresh bad salmon or frozen better salmon. He interviews that he's always going to go for fresh fish when he can, so he has to get salmon that he knows is poor quality. Not only that, but the counter-woman is now telling him that she can't sell him the salmon, because they're saving it to make sashimi. I hate this episode. Harold quite rightfully has a mini-fit in which he interviews that he was basically like "Listen. We're spending a buttload of money here, and you will be giving me that salmon." He steps away to tell Lee Anne about the issue, and in an awesome moment, Lee Anne instantly is ready to run back to the fish counter to raise hell herself. Hehehe. Get 'em, Lee Anne! Harold tells her he's got it covered, and does wind up getting the fish. The fish that he didn't even want in the first place, because it sucks. Sigh. Tiffani loads up on cake mix, and everyone checks out.

They head for the kitchen at the hotel where the reception is taking place. Dave wants to get as much done as soon as possible, which everyone seems to agree with. Harold starts filleting his hated salmon. Lee Anne works on some sort of pancake that accompanies the Peking beef. Dave does something with chocolate that I think relates to the appetizers, not the cake. Speaking of which, Tiffani gets starting on making that cake. Ptom wanders through, and spots the cake mix boxes. He points it out to Tiffani like he just caught her violating a sheep with a stalk of celery. Timpani of Doomed Chefs. Tiffani cops to it, and interviews that part of being a good chef is knowing your weak points and how to work around them. She said she'd rather admit to making a mix than have to face these guys on their wedding day, crying about how she's sorry, but the cake fell and there's no time to make another one. I could not agree more. I'm starting to feel bad for yelling at Tiffani so much several episodes back, because I'm returning to that point where I really like her.

11 hours until the reception. Stephen has to roll up 300 little appetizer rolls, and it's taking him a long time to just roll one. Tell us again how this all-nighter isn't necessary. Xylophone of This Is Taking A Long Time. Hey, they used that same xylophone in Spellbound! Which I'd rather be watching right now. Lee Anne interviews that she could have finished in half the time it took Stephen. 8 hours until the reception. Stephen finishes rolling appetizers. Sheesh. Dawn breaks. Tiffani yawns. Dave interviews that because they were running behind, he jumped in and did whatever he could to speed things up. Good for him. Tiffani thinks he's overextending himself. 4 hours left. The Scotts interview about their wedding-day jitters. They mention that they're nervous about pleasing their guests, given the time limit the chefs have. I'd suggest to them that if they wanted to make sure their wedding reception food turned out well, they not have offered it up for a down-to-the-wire reality show challenge. No sympathy. Back in the kitchen, everyone's snappy and exhausted. Lee Anne's worried about finishing on time.

Commercials. Beer. Yes, please. Preferably two or three.

One hour left. The chefs come out into the dining room to meet with the judges. Ptom. Gail. KatieBot. The guest judge today is Marcy Blum, a wedding planner. Which makes her competent to judge food...how? Just because she's around it a lot? So am I. Why not make me a guest judge? Marcy planned KatieBot's wedding. Ah, that explains why she's on the show. I guess we can look forward to KatieBot's dog groomer being the guest judge next week. The chefs go back to the kitchen. Forty-five minutes left. Lee Anne ices the cake. People are tense. Lee Anne garnishes the cake with very pretty purple flowers. Boring segment wherein the Scotts commit themselves to one another. If I liked this episode more, I'd think this was very sweet and "aw" over it a lot. But since this episode sucks, I'm not anxious to celebrate the love of two people who are treating one of the most important days of their lives as an opportunity to screw over reality show contestants.

In the kitchen, the chefs are getting the bad news that the appetizers are supposed to be passed from 3:00 to 4:30. That is patently ridiculous for any wedding reception, let alone one where supplies are limited. An hour and a half of one-bite appetizers? If I were a guest at such a wedding, I'd be like "Congratulations on your happy day. I'm going to Steak n' Shake". The chefs justifiably freak out, because there's no way their food is going to last that long. I hate this episode. They throw together additional appetizers out of cucumber and crab and such. I don't know if they're using their own food or the hotel's. The first tray is sent out, which are the prawn canapes that Dave prepared. They're received well. There's also the quick appetizer of crab meat on pita chips. Gail and Marcy don't like the shrimp toast as much as the guests did.

In the main dining room, apart from the Neverending Appetizer Cocktail Hour, Stephen is lecturing the waiters on wine. He's going on about which wines go in which glass, and blah blah blah. Let's not forget that these waiters work at the hotel. They know how their service works already. Stephen doesn't. He's actually going into the origins of where each wine comes from, and how to approach the tables, and OHMYGODSHUTUP. Lee Anne points out that there is already a captain for the waiters, so Stephen was just wasting time. In fact, the chefs are having to deal with problems with Stephen's course in the kitchen while he's out satisfying his power trip. There are stickers on the Chinese spoons he's bought, so everyone has to abandon their food to come peel them off, which should have been done a long time ago. Tiffani interviews that the spoon thing put her over the edge, as far as Stephen is concerned. She takes a deep breath, and can't even come up with more to say, she's so angry.

The guests are seated in the dining room, and the chefs are still having to plate Stephen's course without him present, because he is still talking about wine with the waiters. He finally comes back, and we see the amuse bouche plated. They look good. It's a combination of oyster, roe, lobster, and some crab soup dumplings. Stephen interviews that it's the chef's responsibility to delegate work to the other members of the kitchen. Well, yes, but in his mad dash to "delegate" (because, let's be honest, he's just dressing up his love of bossing other people around), he's abandoning the food preparation. He's a chef that refuses to cook. It'd be funny if it weren't so infuriating. The amuse bouche is received well in the dining room. Meanwhile, Harold pulls Stephen aside and gently tries to inform him that they kind of, you know, need him in the kitchen, and to stop spending all his time messing with the front of the house. He's far more nice about it than he could have been.

Harold's green papaya salad with the seared salmon is the next course to go out. He actually just refers to it as a papaya salad, because he doesn't want to associate himself with the crap salmon he was forced to buy. Hang on, I'm going to go add Crap Salmon to my Awesome Band Names list. OK, I'm back. Hey, guess what! Nobody likes the poor-quality salmon! Who woulda thunk? Obviously, this is somehow Harold's fault because... Because... Anyway, the next dish to go out is Tiffani's "Lover's Nest". It's seafood with vegetables. There are also origami swans on each plate. A random guest likes it. Oof, would I be mad if a friend of mine got married and told me that there'd be TV cameras at the reception, ready to capture my every bite. The chefs get ready to send out the main course, but the guests decide to have a toast. This is something you need to tell your chefs, people. Again, it's not their fault that your beef is getting cold, because you didn't bother to tell them to hold off on getting it ready to go. I'm so fed up, you guys. Also, Stephen's the self-professed go-between for the kitchen and dining room. Where was he with this info? Harold interviews basically that.

The Peking beef goes out. Thanks to the toast, it's now been sitting too long, and is a bit cold. Lee Anne, bless her heart, interviews that she wanted the Scotts to have a great wedding dinner, and is disappointed in herself that things aren't working out. It's so not her fault (or any of the chefs', really) that things are going poorly, and I'm furious that they're going to have to shoulder the blame. The wedding cake goes out. Stephen again interviews that he was against the cake mix idea, though he leaves out the part where he was too gutless to tell any of the other chefs that he disapproved. The cake really does look pretty, for being a mix. The flowers are a nice touch, and it looks like they were able to make the passion-fruit filling, so it's not like it's entirely Betty Crocker's handiwork. The Scotts feed each other cake. Everyone applauds. There are some truffles as an additional dessert. A guest finds an eggshell in the cake. Whuh, oh. Gail thinks one of the truffles is too sweet. The Scotts seem to like them, though. The guests leave. The Scotts confer with the judges. The Scotts feel that the meal went well, overall. Ptom asks them to name a part of the meal that they loved, and they can't come up with anything, which Ptom gleefully notes. Lee Anne interviews that it has been a very humbling night for her.

Commercials. It's not that I'm opposed to the idea of handsome men falling from the sky. I'm just not thrilled about the damage they're going to do to my car.

Judges' table. KatieBot opens by asking Marcy's opinion, since she's an "expert". Oh, good. One sentence in, and I'm already pissed at the judges. In fact, to save time, every time the judges say something that's complete bullshit, let's just point out why in a parenthetical aside. The judges are overall disappointed with how the food turned out. Gail says that Lee Anne took on more than she could handle. (Uh, huh. Cause Lee Anne should be psychic and know that you'd give her an impossible time limit, given the complexity of her menu.) Ptom says that it seemed that the chefs were just hurrying through everything instead of focusing on making something especially good. (IMPOSSIBLE TIME LIMIT.) The judges say that they can't really choose a winner, and they just bring in all the chefs.

Ptom tells the chefs that he's had better food from a takeout place. I would suggest to Ptom that if he truly wants to simulate the experience, he go to a takeout place, and tell the cooks there that they have two and a half minutes to make him some General Tso chicken. Let's see how pleased he is with the outcome. Tiffani says that she thought they did fairly well, given that it was wedding food. That was the wrong thing to say, and Marcy says that treating wedding food as a lower class of meal isn't doing her any favors. Lee Anne is asked if she tasted everything. She said she did. When asked if everything was to her liking, she replies in the negative. She wishes she could have done better, given that it was her menu. Ptom disparages the salmon. (IMPOSSIBLE SUPPLY RESTRICTIONS.) Harold apologizes, but you can tell that he doesn't give a damn, because he knows very well that the salmon issue wasn't his fault. KatieBot asks whose idea it was to use a cake mix. Harold cops to the initial suggestion. Gail informs them about the eggshell a guest found. I will say that the eggshell is a genuine reason to take the chefs to task for something. It's about the only one I've heard so far.

The chefs are asked if everyone pulled their weight in the kitchen. Lee Anne takes the opposite tack, and says that if one person pulled more than their weight, it was Dave, since he worked so hard. Aw. Ptom tells Dave that he can assume he's safe for the moment, and asks who should have contributed more. Dave says Stephen. Timpani of Doom. Dave talks about the packaged, stickered spoons that they had to deal with while Stephen was out "selling" wines. He wasn't selling them, but Dave's certainly nailed the main problem. Stephen's non-involvement in the kitchen is the second thing a chef can actually be reprimanded for. Tiffani adds that Stephen was the only chef to concentrate on his own dish, without contributing to work on the others. Stephen says that the head of such-and-such asked him to come out and explain how things should be served, which I don't believe for a second. The other chefs are probably exaggerating how long he was gone, but he's making himself out to be the essential reason the waiters weren't tripping over themselves, or serving the dumplings by shooting them out of mini-cannons. He harps on Dave's "selling" comment, which was indeed factually inaccurate, but isn't the point.

Marcy is impressed that Stephen thought to tell the waiters to clear the room before serving or something. (Um...sorry to use a tired cliche, but this isn't Top Head Waiter. Who cares how good Stephen is at directing the staff, when that's not the lion's share of his job? And again, these are waiters. Waiters who wait tables. They don't need someone telling them how full a wineglass should be or when to clear a plate. They know. Shut up, Marcy.) Lee Anne is asked if she assigned Stephen the role of dining room liaison. She says no. Stephen is asked who he'd eliminate, and he says Lee Anne, which I will admit is his only logical choice. Still, he buys into the bullshit the judges are trying to sell, and says that Lee Anne's menu wasn't doable under the circumstances. THE CIRCUMSTANCES THAT SHE DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT WHEN SHE PLANNED THE MENU!!!!!! JESUS TAPDANCING CHRIST!!!!!! Lee Anne accepts responsibility for the overall problems the chefs had. Harold basically says that Lee Anne did the best she could under these circumstances, and that he respects what she did. Aw. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. The judges have the unmitigated gall to be "let down", even though the poor outcome of the challenge is completely their (or the producers') fault. Gail says that Stephen didn't play the role of a chef tonight, and that he gets defensive instead of trying to learn from mistakes. I can't argue with any of that. Ptom points out that this is the same thing he did last week; abandoning the kitchen to go chitchat in the dining room. Marcy again defends him, because she's a fucking imbecile. Lee Anne should have tried to manage him more or something. Let's all pause to consider what would have happened if Lee Anne had tried to micromanage Stephen. I'm envisioning another of his little meltdowns. Shut up, judges. I can see why Lee Anne is under the most scrutiny overall, but Stephen is always just going to do what he wants. Harold's salmon sucked. The judges make their final decision.

Commercials. White wine. Yes, please. Preferably two or three glasses.

The chefs are called back in. There is no winner of tonight's challenge. Rehash of deliberations. Everyone's taken to task for something except Dave. And the loser is... STEPHEN. PLEASE. PACK. YOUR. KNIVES. AND. GO. In your face, Marcy. KatieBot asks him if he's got anything to say, and he just gives her a blunt "no", which almost makes me respect him. Almost. The chefs are dismissed. As opposed to the tearful goodbyes given to Lisa and Cynthia, and the respectful interviews given after the fact to almost every other chef, nobody gives a rat's ass that Stephen got chopped. Heh. He gets in one final smarmerview about how he's going to change the face of the restaurant business or whatever. Sure.

A few last notes. This episode sucked. Royally. There is no way the chefs could have completed the challenge as given to the judges' satisfaction. That is unacceptable. However, at least the eliminated contestant got eliminated for a good reason. If Harold had been eliminated because of the salmon, or Lee Anne got eliminated because she's not a twit-wrangler, I would have been uber-pissed. Stephen deserved to go home for ignoring his kitchen duties, and I'm glad that the judges recognized that. Also, with him gone, we're left with a pretty likable final four, all things considered. I'm still rooting for Lee Anne, and it's very possible that Tiffani will do something insufferable to piss me off all over again, but as it stands, we're looking at a very deserving winner no matter which way it slices. Good. Finally, I want to apologize for the completely joyless tone of this recap. I hated this episode, but I can't imagine it's fun to listen to my steady stream of whining and vitriol. Let's hope both the next episode and I can bounce back.

Overall Grade: D