Family Favorites

Top Chef - Season 3, Episode 3

Previously on Top Chef: Howie couldn't get his food plated in time and sunk to the bottom of the Elimination Challenge. Then Howie served dry, boring pork and sunk to the bottom of the Elimination Challenge. One wonders about all this "haven't cooked up to my potential" bluster. Cleveland Joey opined that Howie should be sent home, and the two of them became mortal enemies forever. Sandee tried to do something new and interesting with her barbecue dish, but unfortunately went so far afield that it wasn't barbecue anymore, and she got chopped. Thirteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. This menu was due to be a picnic with the Card Night folks, but inclement weather drove us indoors. Aside from the bottle upon bottle of wine, there was Pinot grigio sausage, Italian pepperoni, forty-spice hummus (unfortunately, the label did not deign to tell us any of the forty), homemade pasta salad with some very zingy olives, smoked salmon/cream cheese spread, cracked pepper/olive oil crackers, and to round out the gourmet menu -- sea salt/vinegar Pringles. Hey, not everything has to be fancy.

Another sunny morning brings us to Chef's Manor. Various shirtless chefs awaken. Sandee has left a sweet little good-bye note for everyone. Lia interviews that the friendliness the chefs share has become strained and tense now that eliminations have started to happen. As much as I loathe the use of "I'm not here to make friends" to try and pawn off being an asshole, these guys aren't at sleepaway camp. Howie interviews essentially the same thing, in reference to his tiff with Topeka Joey, who says that they exchanged words, but he's over it, and ready to move on. Micah does pushups, which seems to be becoming a light motif for these opening scenes. She describes her erratic placements, from winning the first Quickfire to sinking to the bottom in the next one, then back up to the top for the second Elimination Challenge. She's not too worried about it, saying she came to America and started her business with $400, her daughter, and a dream. OK, she leaves the "dream" part out, but it's all very melting pot. The chefs wander out.

Quickfire Challenge. Padma meets everyone in the Kitchen and introduces this week's guest judge, Alfred Portale. He's from New York, so Pocatello Joey has obviously heard of him and his award-winning food. I'm sure he's a very accomplished chef and a wonderful person, so I feel a little mean for pointing out that he can't really get away with that size shirt anymore. Also, are those...plucked eyebrows? Yikes. A sheet covers the main ingredient for this week's Quickfire, and Padma whips it off dramatically. It's a tank full of live shellfish. Hung claps his hands and says "Yes!". He interviews that he's really good with seafood. Also good with seafood is Brian, who actually focuses on it for a living. He interviews that if he can't win this one, he'll get fired, and his whole world will dissolve. Don't tempt Fate, Brian. Look what happened with Tre, the barbecue "expert" from Texas. Each of the chefs will have thirty seconds to grab a net and scoop out as much shellfish as they want.

Hung's up first, and he runs at top speed to the tank, as if the fish are going to melt or something. He grabs the net out of Padma hand, gets up on a stepstool, and plunges the net into the water like he's spear fishing. Dale interviews about how off-putting Hung's aggression is. Saran chides him to leave some fish for the rest of them, but Lia's not worried. Hung empties his net into a metal bowl, and inadvertently drops a crawfish onto the ground. Everyone lets an "awwww" as it lays there helpless. CJ interviews that after the "poor" crawfish fell, Hung's "true colors" flew out. Hung abandons it, returning to the line of chefs. Everyone gasps like he's leaving behind his wounded dog. Lia tells him not to just leave it laying there, and Hung asks "What do you want me to do?". "I want you to clean up after yourself," she answers. Oh, so they're not upset that he mistreated the animal. They're upset that he's leaving debris strewn on the floor. OK, that makes more sense. Micah's next. She says she used to live in the Bahamas, so she's looking forward to working with conch. So she's from South Africa, lived in the Bahamas, and came to America from Italy. Is she on the lam or something? More chefs approach the tank. I wonder how the order was chosen. Saran thinks this is going to be a difficult challenge, especially because the net is so flimsy. Tre finds out how flimsy, as he only manages to net about eighteen pieces. He's nervous about what he can do with that. Eh, it's plenty for a Quickfire.

The chefs now have thirty minutes to create their seafood dishes. The countdown begins. Lia interviews that it's going to be difficult, because shellfish require shucking, cleaning, deveining, etc. Just getting it ready to cook can easily suck up a third of the time. Especially if one gets conch, as Dale describes. Getting conch meat out of the shell is tough and time-consuming, requiring some odd-looking contraptions. With only thirty minutes to cook, Dale says he doesn't have time to "dick around with a conch". Hahaha! I think dicking around with conch is illegal in fourteen states. I think the only ones even attempting to work with it are Saram and Micah. Saram easily uses that odd tool (almost like a larger version of a corkscrew) to get the conch meat out. Micah beats on the shell with everything but the Kitchen sink, but has significant issues getting to the meat. Saran interviews that Micah's "roller-coaster" of challenge placements is a sign of someone who's really inconsistent. Says the woman who joined Micah in both the bottom of the Quickfire last week and the top of the Elimination Challenge. Time to start polishing the panes in that glass house, Saran.

A crawfish makes a desperate bid for freedom. We don't see if he makes it, but I'm guessing not. Sweat drips off Howie's face. He's making a ceviche, which I swear someone makes on this show about every other challenge. He grinds the pepper mill as if there were diamonds inside. Brian is trying to keep it simple, saying the less you do with seafood, the better, because it already tastes phenomenal. I can get behind that argument. Hung disdains this, saying that everyone's just throwing seafood into white wine, which is simple and good, but that "my monkey can do that". Hung owns a monkey? There's a topic I'm not anxious to explore. Also, as with Saran, maybe Hung ought to watch the sneering over other people's excess simplicity, since he made a basic flank steak for the upscale barbecue last week. Time gets tight. People start plating. Sweat continues to drip off of Howie. Hopefully, not into his food. Padma and Alfred come in, and time runs out. Howie is nervous, because he didn't "re-taste" as much as he'd normally like. He thinks it'll either turn out great or be a total disaster.

Padma and Alfred go down the line. CJ has made pan-roasted "fruits de mer" (so...seafood with a huge, heaping portion of pretention) with shaved cauliflower, saffron paprika vinaigrette, prosciutto, and olives. Alfred likes the flavor. Casey has made linguini with scallops, mussels, and cockles, and has a cilantro bread with truffle butter on the side. Impressive. Alfred tells her that she was smart not to have used the conch. Significant shot of Micah. Tre has poached scallops in fish stock, butter, and chive oil, and paired it with a summer corn/grilled leek compote. I bet that'd be good. Well, it'd be good until I started projectile vomiting due to my scallop allergy, but it still looks tasty. Alfred looks unimpressed. We don't hear what Saran made, but hear that it's "nice". Micah has made conch salad, ceviche style (see?), with sour orange, and it's finished with "sky juice". Alfred calls the sky juice "an acquired taste". And what, since we're to focus on this concoction, is actually in sky juice? Don't be silly. They never tell us. Why would we, the viewers, have any need or wish to understand what the chefs are talking about or why they draw certain praise/criticism? Asses.

Brian has called his dish "Three Rivers", and his seafood is prepared in wine, butter, garlic, and chives. He wasn't kidding when he said he was going to keep it simple. Significant shot of Hung. Brian's also made an oyster mignionette, which is making me ravenously hungry, and conch toast, which we never even see a shot of. Alfred likes everything. Lia has paired raw scallops with figs and lemon zest (ew), some cockle with tomato water (ew), and capellini with crayfish (not ew). Saram has made cornmeal-crusted conch with citrus butter. There's also what I assume is an oyster mignionette with mango and cilantro on it. Alfred likes the flavor, but finds it a bit salty. Camille actually gets to tell us what she's made, which is crayfish and mussels in a hibiscus sauce, and tarragon-crusted mussels. Alfred asks where her flavors are coming from, and Camille says that she likes working with teas. Thud of Doom, as Alfred raises his eyebrows dismissively (which he's done an awful lot in the past few minutes, and which I wouldn't notice if they weren't so damn disturbing).

Hung calls his "East/West", and it's a curry made with the heads and bellies of scallops and mussels. He's made two large croutons to dip in the curry, and this is what Alfred finds fault with. It's not even the flavor of the croutons he doesn't like; it's the size and proportion to the curry. That's a pretty dumb criticism. I wonder if Alfred just doesn't like Hung after the whole "eh, I'll just leave the crawfish on the floor" thing. Hung manages to piss away any sympathy I had for him by interviewing that Alfred just didn't "understand the concept". Because award-winning chefs don't get the intensely complicated process of dipping bread into liquid dishes. We never hear what Concord Joey makes (though it gets a nod and a "very good"). Dale has made spicy Italian sausage with scallops and tomato sauce, then topped it with a sunny side up egg. Weird. Alfred enjoys it. Howie's ceviche has conch, scallops, crayfish, and mussels. It also includes plantains and mixed greens. Alfred calls it "very tasty" but an obvious choice to make with these flavors.

Padma asks for Alfred's least favorites. Micah's conch salad had little conch, and needed heat and seasoning. Camille's tea flavoring was overpowering. Tre could have used a lot more seafood and a lot less corn. Huh, guess I was wrong about Tre having caught plenty of shellfish. Now, to the three favorites. Howie's ceviche was intelligent and well-presented. Well, then what was all that noise about it being "obvious"? Alfred's beginning to rub me the wrong way. Brian's methods were simple, but smart. CJ's dish didn't look good at first, but the flavors were well-integrated. CJ makes a face like "Thanks, ass". Padma asks who Alfred has chosen as the winner of the Quickfire. He selects Brian, whom Fate has spared, despite a severe temptation. He's told his progression was nice, and that he has made a thoughtful, well-presented dish. The other chefs applaud, and Brian gets immunity. I'm so very sick of typing various permutations of "Yay, I got immunity/won a challenge, but I can't/won't rest on my laurels", so from now on, all that blather is just being referred to as the Standard Speech. Howie's just glad not to be a bottom-dweller for once.

Commercials. Oh, goody. Mobile TV. Can't wait to ride the train with people who have got that.

Damn Quickfire! As I was writing about that challenge, a friend called me to ask for my help in moving some DJ equipment to a local restaurant/brewery he was playing at. Once there, I saw they had crawfish cakes on the menu, and I never would have gotten them if not for this episode. They were very good, but needed some alcoholic refreshment on the side, and instead of coming home and finishing this entry, I just went to bed instead. It's probably for the best. There's no telling what I'd say about these people if I were slightly drunk. Anyhoo...

Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the chefs they're going from something fresh to something a lot more stale. She and Alfred wheel in two tables full of fatty American comfort foods. The plaid tablecloths are a nice touch. Saram makes a disgusted face, like, they're tater tots, lady. Not cockroach heads. Hung rolls his eyes and moans. Dale is a lot more practical, saying they're bad-for-you, nasty foods that "we all eat every day". Thank you, Dale. I understand these chefs generally work with upscale food, which is fine. I love upscale food. But I also love fried chicken, and it's annoying of them to pretend they don't, just because it costs two and a half bucks, and can be found on every other street corner. Padma tells them that Americans have been eating these dishes for generations, and their challenge today is to rework them into a more modern version. Also, while they're at it, the updated version should have lower cholesterol than its old-fashioned inspiration. Good challenge. It's difficult, but reasonable, and tests actual chef skills, rather than some bullshit like "throw together an enormous gourmet meal with crap ingredients and an impossible time limit".

Lia interviews that she has no experience cooking low cholesterol or low sodium foods. Hung thinks all the dishes look disgusting. He would. The chefs will pick their comfort food in the reverse order that they selected seafood for the Quickfire. That means Casey is up first. She takes the sloppy joe with tater tots. CJ takes tuna casserole. Lia takes franks 'n beans. Some chefs grabs some plates we don't hear about, so we know they won't turn out to be too important. Howie takes the pork chops and applesauce. Peter Brady approves. Howie interviews that the challenge resonates with him, because heart disease runs in his family. Micah has a typically snobby response to American comfort food, then selects meatloaf, which can be about the most delicious thing on the planet if made well. Camille takes tacos. Dale opts for chicken and dumplings. Brian grabs the stuffed cabbage. Saram takes chicken a la king, which she calls "pot pie without a pot". I have to admit that I've never really eaten some of these "favorites". My mother never served chicken and dumplings, nor chicken a la king, and I've never felt inclined to see what I'm missing. Hung gets last pick, and all that's left is fried chicken.

The chefs now have thirty minutes, and $75 to shop for ingredients. They'll then have an hour to cook on location for the members of the Miami Elks Club Lodge. Hah! Nice. That's a perfect audience to test a revised comfort food. I have to say that an hour doesn't sound like enough, though. Padma warns the chefs that they'll have to use "every weapon in [their] arsenal" to win over the diners. Micah interviews that meatloaf and mashed potatoes can't be too hard to improve. Well, sure. I just took a look at the only meatloaf recipe I use, and it doesn't look too unhealthy to me. And this is coming from my grandmother's day, when you couldn't stroll to the corner store and pick up ground turkey meat. Padma dismisses the chefs. Dale is excited about this challenge, saying that reinventing classics is very much what his style of cooking is based on.

At the Fresh Market, chefs dive right into getting their ingredients. Wow, they sure didn't have a lot of time to come up with an idea of what to do. Casey recaps the challenge, as if we didn't just hear about it thirty seconds ago. The notoriously awful titles tell us that she's working on "Sloppy Joe's [sic] & tater tots". Sloppy Joe's what? What does Sloppy Joe possess? Bravo, hire a freaking proofreader. Saran, who is working with fish sticks and french fries, has no idea what she wants to do. Oh, I don't know. Making low cholesterol fish should be pretty easy, no? I guess she's trying to focus on making sure that her dish is as satisfying as battered, fried fish would be. CJ disdains the chefs who are perusing fatty cheeses (Camille and Hung, from the looks of it). Brian buys lobster to stuff his cabbage with. Micah interviews that lobster is really high in cholesterol, and Saran shrugs that Brian can afford to take chances, thanks to his immunity. Saram tries to direct the butcher to the cut of chicken she wants, with hilarious results. Lia buys beer-infused chicken sausage, and some Guinness to bring out its flavor. Dale, mindful of the strict time limit, takes an idea from his family food history and buys a rotisserie chicken and instant mashed potatoes. Brilliant. He's just severely cut his preparation time, but can still give the food his own spin. CJ disagrees, saying it's bullshit, because Dale is "too good a cook" to rely on easy ingredients like that.

Back at the Kitchen, the chefs get an hour of prep time. Wait, is this in addition to the cooking time at the lodge later? Maybe the time limit isn't as stringent as I thought it was. Or maybe they have to do all their cooking now, and can just warm things up at the lodge. Micah says it's always tough to change traditional food, because people expect certain things from them. Dale interviews that potatoes may be high in carbohydrates, but they really have no cholesterol or fat, so he's in good shape. He tosses his chicken in a pot with some seasoning. Hung says he's updating fried chicken with macaroni and cheese by preparing the chicken in low-fat yogurt instead of buttermilk. Lia interviews that she hasn't been in the top or the bottom yet, and that being in the middle is a frustrating place to be, because she never gets any feedback. Really? I'd be perfectly content to ride the wave of middle-ground for as long as I could. Or at least I wouldn't rue never being in the bottom. Of course, I've never been very competitive. She feels pretty confident about this challenge, because franks 'n beans is delicious and easy to prepare. I am unqualified to comment, as I detest baked beans with a passion.

Night falls at Chef's Manor, and a lot of the chefs are hanging out in the hot tub. Vaguely pornish music plays in the background. Chefs chat and drink wine, which is naturally our cue for Howie's THIRD avowal that if he makes friends, that's great, but that's not what he's here for. Howie is antisocial. Consider it understood. The next day, the chefs are driven to the Elks Lodge, where a few members are playing horseshoes. That's popular around here, too, but we use washers. I'm awfully tangential today. Anyway, the chefs get started on their prep work in the kitchen. The first subtitle we see tells us that there are forty minutes until service, so my best guess is that they got another hour to get things ready here. CJ seems nervous in his interview, saying that the diners at the Elks Lodge grew up with these dishes, and that they're dear to their hearts. He doesn't want to mess with the basic idea of tuna casserole too much.

Ptom stops by to Ptimewaste. Tupelo Joey is making vegetable lasagna with no oil or butter. Camille is putting tuna and grilled beef into the tacos. "So it's a pretty literal translation, here," Ptom says. Camille agrees. CJ wants to keep the creamy consistency of tuna casserole, so he's using Greek yogurt, and making a tuile (basically, a cracker) of flax seeds to put on top instead of bread crumbs. Dale talks about making the dough of his dumplings with instant mashed potatoes, because with one hour, you "gotta do what you gotta do". Ptom gives him sort of an evil eye. Back outside, he interviews that he's surprised that so many chefs are going with such literal ideas, because there's so much that can be done to reinterpret them. "Hopefully, something different will come up." So, he's disappointed that people aren't being more creative. Fair enough.

With fourteen minutes left, diners start streaming into the dining room. Chefs are beginning to go into hyperdrive mode back in the kitchen. It can't help that the kitchen was certainly not built with the idea that thirteen people would be cooking at the same time. The chefs are packed in there like sardines. Howie interviews that something always goes wrong. Saram, who's to serve second, interviews that she didn't want to cook her chicken in cream, so she's skewering it and grilling it. When she goes back to check on it, it's not cooked through, because the oven has been set to "cool-down". Hung interviews that after his chicken was done, he took it out and turned the oven off, and that it's Saram's responsibility to make sure that the oven was on. This scene is confusing, as it's never established if Saram just made a mistake and assumed the oven was on because it was still hot from Hung's chicken, or if Hung and Saram's chicken was cooking together, and Hung screwed her by turning it off when his was done. So, someone messed up, but I have no idea who. Saram's flustered. CJ is also having issues. His sauce has broken, and as he explains, when sauce breaks, you have to add fat. Also, his presentation didn't turn out well. It looks like clumps of tuna on top of green, leaky goo. He's very nervous, and tells Hung that he hates his dish, to which Hung just makes a "Yeah, it sucks, so I don't really know how to comfort you" kind of face.

Commercials. Side effects of this sleep aid include drowsiness and fatigue.

CJ finishes plating, including putting that flax cracker on top of his tuna. Howie recaps the challenge. YES. I FULLY UNDERSTAND IT NOW. CJ presents his food to the judges and diners. Ted Allen is filling in for Gail this week. CJ has used whole wheat pasta, the aforementioned yogurt for the cream in the tuna, and the tuile made from flax seeds and black sesame seeds. I have no idea what's making his dish so green. He worries over not getting any reaction from the judges. He wouldn't have liked it anyway. Once he's gone, they describe it as looking very "health food" and grassy green, as well as having a "mushy" consistency. Yeah, nobody likes that wheat germ connotation. Ptom thinks it was an idea that didn't work out, but seems to appreciate the thought behind it. Saram frantically checks to make sure her chicken is cooked through, and says it's "just on the edge". Yum, salmonella! She presents her updated chicken a la king, which is chicken that has been marinated and grilled, then put into a puree of mushroom sauce, with couscous and watercress salad. The judges look at it as if it were dog crap. Even before tasting it, Alfred asks if it reminds anyone of chicken a la king. "Not remotely," Padma sniffs. We'll come back to that in a bit.

Lia serves her modernized franks 'n beans, which is the beer-grilled chicken sausage with Dijon lentils, carrots, and onions. There's also a drink on the plate which is never explained (possibly Guinness), and what appears to be chunks of watermelon. The judges ask if she made the sausage, which she admits she didn't. She interviews that she didn't really have the option to make the sausage. I agree. Can't give the chefs a restrictive time limit, then complain that they didn't get enough done. Still, everyone seems unimpressed, from the Elks Lodge members to CJ (who tells Lia the lentils seem underdone) to Alfred, who complains that all Lia did with her two hours is grill sausage and make lentils (and agrees with CJ about the doneness of said lentils). Ted is disappointed in all three of those dishes, and feels the judges are in serious need of some "wow". Dale is next to present his chicken and dumplings, which are chicken-filled potato dumplings with broccoli, horseradish, and celery root. This is the first dish people seem to enjoy. A diner loves the sauce, and the judges also like the flavor. Ted especially likes that Dale seared the outside of the dumpling for some texture. I'm suddenly craving potstickers. Ptom just mutters, never as happy to praise as to criticize.

Hung is up next. His fried chicken with macaroni and cheese has become skinless chicken marinated in yogurt and spices. There's also some "pasta and vegetables" which are not further described on the side. To solve the skin issue, Hung has rendered all the fat, and left a thin veneer left for some crunch. I actually think that's a really good idea, but all the judges look nonplussed. What crawled up their asses this week? One of the diners says that it's certainly not like Grandma's fried chicken, and someone who could be her mother-in-law responds with "On the other hand, Grandma's fried chicken will kill you." Hahaha! Good one, Possible Mother-in-Law! Saran serves panko-topped snapper with pine nuts, currants, lentils, and roasted beets. Interesting. A random diner samples it, pauses, then gives her approval, saying it's very good.

Micah brings out her reinvented meatloaf and mashed potato, which is "Italian style" meatloaf (ground sirloin) with smashed garlic potato, and roasted pepper sauces. She says she knows Americans like to put ketchup on meatloaf (not this American -- give me gravy), so she substituted roasted tomato. Once she's gone, the judges gossip that they didn't care for that note of snideness in the way she talked about Americans' tastes. I don't know if that colors their opinion of her dish at all, but they hate it. The word "terrible" is thrown around. The Elks Lodge diners seem to agree, picking at it, and wondering why it's so crunchy. Brian's stuffed cabbage is a lobster and shrimp roll in a lobster broth. He tries to play off his use of lobster by saying that everything is fine in moderation, including cholesterol. OK, that's true, but the challenge wasn't "Create a dish full of something that's fine in moderation." You can't just ignore the main facet of a challenge because it doesn't figure into the way people "should" or "are allowed to" eat. Well, I guess Brian can ignore it this week, but he'd better keep an eye on that.

Camille cheerfully brings out her tacos, one of which is filled with beef and chili salsa and one with tuna, tomatillo, and apple. Ew, tuna, green tomato, and apple? I'm not feeling that. A diner reaches for her water, not really loving how spicy the tacos are. Casey serves her "Rib eye Sloppy Joe's [sic] with butter pickle and apricot compote". I'd like my portion without the superfluous apostrophe, please. A diner pronounces it "very good". Portland Joey brings out his lasagna, which isn't vegetable lasagna, as he told Ptom, because it has turkey sausage in it. Just cause it didn't moo doesn't mean it's vegetarian. Anyhow, it also includes eggplant and mushroom. Tre has made roast chicken cordon bleu with bluefoot chanterelles, asparagus, and parsnip sauce. Neither of these dishes elicit much comment apart from "Not bad" from Padma and "It's not the worst thing we were served today" from Ptom. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with the judges? It's like they were forced to come here and give their opinions against their will. It's not even that they dislike everything; they just couldn't seem to care less.

Howie brings out his updated pork chops with applesauce. He's made fennel-crusted pork chops (with apple cider vinegar reduction), apple fennel slaw, and a sultana raisin emulsion. "The pork is beautifully cooked," Ted says, in the same tone of voice you'd use to say "Yes, I'm sure I'm not interested in converting to Scientology, thanks". Padma is equally lackadaisical when she says it captures familiarity, but is still tasty. The diners all love it. Padma thanks the Elks Lodge diners, and asks them to fill out opinion cards. Some lady gives some dish a four out of five. Another diner can't spell "mediocre". Back in the kitchen, CJ guesses that the top three are going to be Lia, Tre, and Howie. After he told Lia her lentils were undercooked? Weird. Maybe he feels bad about that, and is trying to make nice. Dale interviews that his food was a lot more upscale than his competitors', and is confident that this will be the best-received dish of his amongst the judges. Padma comes back, and in the tone of a mother disappointed with her kids, tells the chefs that there were some surprises and some disappointments that will be discussed at Judges' Table. Camille makes a "Daaaaaamn, we're busted" face. Heh.

Commercials. I'm sympathetic about your sensitive nose, ma'am, but in that case, maybe you should have rethought getting a dog.

Judges' Table. Padma recaps the challenge for the judges, just in case we didn't catch it the first three times. Ted says he was excited for this challenge, but as it turned out, most of the dishes were underwhelming. CJ's tuna casserole was a big, green blob. Ptom agrees that it had no finesse. Alfred is surprised, given how good CJ's Quickfire entry was. Ptom jokes that it certainly was evocative of the original, as it was just as bad as most tuna casseroles. Ted cracks up. Padma thinks Howie's pork was great. Alfred agrees. Ptom says that the Elks Lodge diners hated Micah's meatloaf. Alfred says it had a very odd aftertaste. Brian blew the challenge by using lobster. Both the Elks Lodge diners and the judges loved Dale's chicken and dumplings. Padma goes back to the Kitchen to bring the top two chefs out. She summons Dale and Howie to the table.

They're told they are the top, and they shake hands. Howie's sourpuss never changes, and Padma lets him know he can smile if he'd like. He breaks into a wide grin that's really very appealing. Ptom tells him it's got to feel better than being up twice in the bottom group. Howie agrees. Ted enjoyed the updated version of applesauce, which Howie says is for babies, and thus made the slaw to "uplift the palate". Dale is asked about using instant mashed potatoes, which he fully admits to and stands by. Ptom tells him that nobody picked up on it coming out of a box at all, and that people really enjoyed it. Ptom says that picking a winner was difficult, but as always, the judges managed. It's Howie. He's given three books, and the opportunity to work with Alfred for a week. Zzzz. Howie takes it much more gracefully than "zzzz", saying that it'll be an honor. He's pleased about his win, and the vindication of his skills. He hopes he can keep his positive momentum going. Howie and Dale shake the judges' hands, and Padma gives them the names of the loser chefs to summon to the table.

Howie and Dale return to the Kitchen to applause. Dale tells them that they know the drill, and that the judges want to see Micah, CJ, Lia, Saram, and Brian. Five? That's almost to the point where it'd be faster to announce who they don't want to see. Brian's confused about being called, since he's got immunity. The always odd Asian music heralds the loser chefs' entrance. CJ stands in the middle, and if only Brian and Lia would switch places, we'd have a nice bell curve going on. The five are told that they're the lodge members' and the judges' least favorites. I doubt Brian's went over poorly at the lodge. He's told he's safe from elimination, but that the judges are disappointed that he went for such a high cholesterol dish. Also, they know he's been successful with seafood, but he's going to have to start working with meat if he wants to go all the way in this competition. Hey, that's right! Brian has used seafood in every single challenge so far. He's dismissed.

As far as the real loser dishes, the judges start with Micah, whose meatloaf scored the lowest with the Elks. She shrugs, like, "Eh, what are ya gonna do?". Not make crappy meatloaf, maybe? She talks about never eating standard meatloaf, and is asked if she was happier with her version. She says she had issues with its texture, and Alfred tells her that it had an odd "finish" to it. Saram is asked if she's eaten a lot of chicken a la king. She has not, as it's not really something passed around the table too often in Jamaica. Ted asks how she connected her dish to the original, "other than the mushrooms". She said she thought the ingredients tied together, and she liked what she came up with. Alfred snootily informs her that it bore no resemblance to chicken a la king. Nobody takes any issue with any of her flavors. And here's where we unpack that criticism of Ptom's from earlier. You know, the one where he was so disappointed that everyone was taking their dishes too literally, and wished the chefs would come up with something more imaginative and creative? Witness the results when they do. They land in the bottom. Nothing bugs me more than inconsistent judging. Decide what you're looking for, then judge on it, you twits.

CJ is asked what he was thinking. He says he wanted to come up with something original. Alfred says there was a lot of flavor, but that it was all pea. At least, I really hope he said "pea", or else CJ's got some issues. He also found the violent green color off-putting. Ptom didn't mind the color, but found the flavors muddy. He did enjoy the flax seed cracker, though. Lia is asked for her thought process, and she says she wanted to make something that people could realistically come home and recreate for their families. Not a bad answer. Ptom takes her to task for not getting much done in the two hours. Lia somewhat sarcastically answers that she didn't realize how complex franks 'n beans are. Hahaha! Luckily for her, the judges laugh instead of being insulted. Ptom makes sure she was making something to win, because there's nothing he hates worse than people trying to coast. She does seem to have tried her best, which I think Ptom picks up on. The chefs are dismissed.

Back in the Kitchen, Saram complains that their criticisms or her flavors make no sense to her. Deliberations. Lia should have done more with her time and money, but there was really nothing wrong with the food presented, except for the lentils being somewhat undercooked. CJ had an impressive idea, and the flax seed cracker was great, but the rest was flavorless. Micah's food was the only dish to elicit a "yuck". Alfred says that it was really bad. Saram's dish was apparently "worse", because it wasn't anything like chicken a la king. The judges agree that she could have used some peas. Ted agrees it was a trainwreck, but appears to be leaning towards Micah's as worse. The judges make a decision.

Commercials. I admit to having a weakness for this commercial where people look like food.

Elimination. Ptom says the challenge seemed straightforward. I could say the same thing about judging it. Micah's dish suffered from "a lack of imagination". That's not true. Her dish was plenty imaginative; it just tasted horrible. Saram's didn't remind anyone of her original dish. CJ's tuna casserole was unfocused. Lia's food showed a lack of work. Padma delivers the bad news. Micah. Please pack your knives and go. The chefs head back to the Kitchen. Micah's final interview is interesting. Her first words? "I'm relieved. I'm glad to go." Wow. She says she wishes she could have focused better, because when she did, she put out good food. However, she's glad to go home to her daughter, and she's glad to be cut before the competition becomes cutthroat and ugly. I feel her on that one.

I should have liked this episode. The challenges were top notch. But I didn't like it, and while bad episodes are usually due to chef tantrums or unreasonable challenges, the blame for this one lies squarely on production's shoulders. Judge the challenges fairly. Criticize bad food, not lack of a killer instinct. If the judges are sour and bored, can you reasonably expect the audience to be any different? And finally, a lesson that's easily accomplished and completely free: Learn how to use a fucking apostrophe.

Overall Grade: C