Please, Lord, Give Me Milk

The Amazing Race - Season 12, Episode 3

Previously on The Amazing Race: Ten teams flew from Ireland to the Netherlands. Ronald passed the time by picking fights with Nicolas and Christina, while Lorena laid low to let Jason carry both of them through the leg to a first-place finish. Gee, I wonder what their placement will be when she starts contributing? At the other end of the spectrum, Kate and Pat were swell people, but not so adept at the whole "racing" thing, and were sadly eliminated. Nine teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. Somehow, I doubt basketball is really one of the activities Nicolas and Donald enjoy together in real life. I guess there's just a strict law requiring basketball to show up in the opening credits somewhere.

Amsterdam, the Netherlands. Phil lets us know that Ronald developed a hernia while pedaling the cargo bike at the end of the last leg, and needed medical attention. I guess Karma was still sticking around after Ari and Staella's departure, and had time to smite someone else before she had to take off. Ronald and Christina interview that this setback doesn't weaken their determination to do well in the race. Maybe it'll even be to their advantage. Gretchen certainly became more tolerable after she got bonked in the head. Jason and Lorena leave the mat first at 4:19 AM. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to fly to Ouagadougou (which is in Burkina Faso). And yes, listening to the teams murder the word "Ouagadougou" is great fun. The clue doesn't mention Burkina Faso, so teams will have to figure that out for themselves. Hopefully, they don't wind up in Ouagadougou, Idaho. Once in Ouagadougou, teams will take a cab to the train station, where the next clue awaits. Jason interviews that Lorena can sometimes go all Exorcist-head-spinning crazy, and she smiles placidly.

Nathan and Jennifer (who are heading to Aa-ooga-doo-ow) leave the mat at 4:30 AM. They don't even make it to the airport before they start picking at each other. They bore me. The IBs leave the mat at 4:31 AM, and actually pronounce Ouagadougou correctly. They just keep shattering my preconceived notions of them! I'm so confused! Kynt and Vyxsin (Ooh-ga-doo-goo) leave at 5:21 AM. Vyxsin interviews that she takes on some of the masculine roles in her relationship with Kynt. No surprise there. At the airport, Jason and Lorena fruitlessly scan the monitors for a flight to Ouagadougou. Nathan/Jennifer and the IBs catch up.

Azaria and Hendekea (Oh-ah-gah-doh-goh) leave the mat at 5:22 AM. They peg it as being in Africa, which makes them very comfortable, because they're "from Ethiopia". I wasn't aware New Orleans belonged to Ethiopia. I'm all for embracing one's heritage, but I wouldn't jump the gun on assuming you'll know your way around an entire continent because your ancestors once lived in a small part of it. The three lead teams discover that Ouagadougou is in Burkina Faso, and that Air France is the carrier that will get them there. TK and Rachel (Oh-ah-gah-goh-doh-goh) leave the mat at 5:23 AM. They interview that they're not letting themselves get stressed out, and are just enjoying their success while having a good time. Sounds like someone visited a "coffee shop" during the rest period. Marianna and Julia (Ooh-gah-dah-gah-doo-gah-doo) leave the mat at 5:46 AM. Marianna says that Julia tends to get excited, which impairs her ability to think rationally. Hmm, I wonder if that could possibly have any bearing on this episode? It was so subtle! Nicolas and Donald (Oh-gah-dah-duh-goh) leave at 5:47 AM. Donald says he's just letting it all hang out on the race. Boy, I'll say. He's turning sixty-nine soon, but doesn't feel old. Well, good. He wants to show what a guy his age can do, and if previous lovable older contestants are any predictor, he'll putter around for a while and get eliminated by the halfway point.

Both Marianna/Julia and Nicolas/Donald borrow their cab drivers' cell phones and discover that they'll be going to Burkina Faso. Nicolas rightly points out that there probably won't be a ton of flights for that destination, so it's very important to get to the airport quickly. Nathan and Jennifer are finding out that, indeed, there's only one flight to Ouagadougou today. It departs Amsterdam at 8:00 AM, connects in Paris, and lands in Ouagadougou at 4:35 PM. Good thing we had the subtitles for that information, because the tense music is so annoyingly loud here, I can't understand a word the ticket agent is saying. Nathan and Jennifer's agent tells them that there's actually an earlier flight to Paris (7:20 AM), but that it's already full. They put themselves on the waiting list just in case, which is smart. Less smart is Nathan's assertion that if they manage to swing the earlier flight, they'll be "set". There's only one flight to Ouagadougou. I'm all for giving yourself as much padding as possible in connection times, but it's not like they'll be able to build a lead unless all the other teams miss the connecting flight. I suppose it's possible, but highly unlikely.

Kynt/Vyxsin, Azaria/Hendekea, and TK/Rachel arrive at the airport. Meanwhile, Ronald and Christina (Ouagadougou -- hey, another apt pronunciation!) leave the mat at 6:26 AM. Ouch. Ronald sheepishly interviews that he wasn't the best father on the last leg, in that he was overly harsh and demoralized Christina. He pledges to be more uplifting and stop criticizing her every move. Somebody got yelled at during the rest period. If he's good to his word, it'll make all our lives a lot easier, so let's hope he is. Kynt/Vyxsin, Azaria/Hendekea, and TK/Rachel get tickets for the 8:00 AM flight. Then Marianna/Julia and Nicolas/Donald. Nathan and Jennifer are told they can board the 7:20 AM flight, and are entirely too proud of themselves for it. They take off.

Ronald and Christina arrive at the airport at about 7:30 AM. It's a little dicey as to if they're going to make the 8:00 flight. Or it would have been if we hadn't gotten yet another string of "Oh, of course they're not going to make it" from other teams, which always means that the lagging team will make it just fine. As Ronald and Christina do. Ronald's hernia doesn't feel great from the running, but they're happy to make the flight. Nathan and Jennifer land in Paris. The 8:00 flight has mechanical problems, so the rest of the teams worry about making the connection to Ouagadougou. Yikes! Please don't let Nathan and Jennifer be right! Or more to the point, please don't let Nathan and Jennifer get an entire day's lead on the rest of the teams!

Commercials. It's relatively uncommon for a business to have commercials that are so fucking obnoxious, I flat out refuse to even consider patronizing it, but Jared jewelry stores have managed to pull it off. Congratulations.

The 8:00 AM flight takes off, though I'm not sure how much it was delayed. Nathan and Jennifer board the sole flight to Ouagadougou. The other teams land in Paris and run and run and run and run and run. Thankfully, they make it, to Nathan and Jennifer's consternation, and thus, my delight. Jennifer offers a patently phony "Glad you made it!" to the other teams as they board, then shrugs at Nathan, like, "Eh. We tried." The plane takes off.

Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso. The locals dance around in costume and cheerfully ride their bikes down the street. The plane lands, and teams stream out of the airport to look for taxis to take them to the train station. Some of them get going pretty quickly, but the IBs are caught up in negotiation. They call out that they'll offer 3000 [CFA francs, I guess], and a nearby driver says "no problem". On the trip, they give him 5000, and distinctly ask for change more than once. Suddenly, he's not understanding them too well, and just says "thank you". Looks like the IBs are getting taken for two rides. IB#1 is getting agitated, but IB#2 tells her to relax, and that it's not like the driver is just going to steal their money. Uh, huh. As they ride through the neighborhood, the IBs notice that people in Africa aren't exactly like the people in Los Angeles. IB#1 wonders where they're being taken, and IB#2 cracks herself up by saying that they're being sold into slavery. Yeah, they deserve to be fleeced. Fleece them, cab driver!

Marianna and Julia are first to the train station. They say "Gracias" to the driver, because "Merci" is such an obscure word. They run everywhere but to the cluebox, so Nathan and Jennifer get there first. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to take a train to Bingo, which is out in the middle of the African savannah. There's no station, so once on the train, they'll have to pay close attention for Bingo to be called out, and not because someone has just won a shoe buffer. Sorry, I had to go there. The next clue will be waiting near the train's dropoff point. Marianna and Julia find the cluebox, as do Azaria/Hendekea and Ronald/Christina behind them. The IBs arrive, and the driver gives them back only half the change they agreed upon. They fight with him for a while, but he holds firm, so they get stiffed 1,000 CFA francs. As they angrily depart, he thanks them, wishes them "bon voyage", and laughs at them. I should be upset to see crooks get away with cheating people out of their money, but in this case, I've gotta say I laughed along with him. Ronald and Christina are finding out that the ticket window is closed, and will not reopen until 6:00 AM the next day, so everyone will catch up. The IBs are pissed off.

Night. The teams are settled somewhere, and a local is playing some wild drum music. Marianna and Julia are up and dancing, and one of them pulls Donald up to dance as well, over an interview of him saying that they're hot, and that they're "a little bitchy, but not bad. A guy could learn to live with it." Hahahahaha! The next morning, the locals are up and going through their morning routine, including requisite shots of heavy loads being balanced on people's heads. If only we could import that custom. It would certainly make the overly-narrow aisles at Trader Joe's more navigable. The teams climb aboard their train to Bingo. The IBs get settled in, then pass the time by indulging in stereotypically Ugly American behavior. They insult the locals' clothes and smell, and giggle nastily. Whew. I was starting to respect them, and I'm glad I can be pulled back from that ledge and reaffirm my original impression that they're spoiled assholes.

The train gets going. Nathan and Jennifer see an impressive goal scored in the soccer game they pass by. The IBs are complaining that there are flies in the train, and that there is trash piled up by the side of the tracks. IB#2 rubs lotion on herself as IB#1 declares that she could never live this way. Yeah, someone ought to explain to the locals how they're doing it wrong. Why do people choose to live in such poor conditions? They should withdraw some of the money in their trust funds to spruce up the place a bit. The other teams are enjoying Burkina Faso just fine. Azaria and Hendekea are about ready to start building a house here, while Nathan leans out of the train to happily take it all in.

The train stops in the middle of nowhere, which means they've arrived at Bingo. As funny as it would be if someone slept through the announcement or something, all of the teams hear the announcement and hop off. Ronald and Kynt have some issues jumping off onto the ground, the former due to his hernia and the latter because he seems to be in a whiny-ass mood. The cluebox doesn't take long to find, and TK and Rachel are first to get there. Rrrrrrrip! Roadblock! "Who's ready to work up a thirst?" Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member must milk a camel. Yay, more potentially uncooperative animals! I could watch those every week. The Roadblocker must milk a camel until the liquid reaches the fill-line in a bowl. Once they've got enough, they must drink it. Phil takes an ominous tone to inform us that they must be careful not to spill the milk, and that if a Roadblocker's camel runs dry, the person will have to wait until someone else is done with their camel to use it. So, no teat-blocking.

Rachel essentially volunteers TK for the task, then apologizes for it. Hehe. Lorena will be milking for her team, because she'll clearly be so great at tasks that require concentration and patience. Azaria takes the Roadblock. Vyxsin. Nathan. IB#2. Julia. Marianna reads off part of the clue that says "Be mindful that camels are sensitive to fast movements and loud noises." The fact that there isn't a smash cut to Lorena here is unforgivable. Christina takes the Roadblock, as does Donald. Nicolas is happier about Grandpa taking this one than about the ditch vaulting last week. Indeed, Donald gets started with no problems, voicing-over that he's been around his share of farms and animals. TK makes soothing noises for his camel, while the noises Lorena is making can only be called diametrically opposed to soothing. She interviews that she gets really stressed out under pressure, which would be understandable if she had been at this task for more than fifteen seconds. I've got it freeze-framed on her right now, and the look of terror on her face would not be out of place in the opening scene to one of those inexplicably popular torture movies. She yelps and shrieks every time her camel makes the slightest movement.

Azaria is squeezing. Hendekea unhelpfully yells at him to hurry up. Azaria calls back for her to back off, and she does. Nathan is making good progress, until his camel moves and knocks Nathan a little off-balance, spilling some of his milk. "Aw, fudge!" Nathan yells. No, really. Jennifer calls over that he needs to be gentle, as he's handling nipples.

LabRat: "It's too bad Kate and Pat are gone. They would have nailed this challenge."

Julia's camel is protesting loudly. She freaks out a bit, begging it to calm down. TK is still being extremely calm, nodding confidently to the camel handler. His bowl is almost to the fill-line. Donald and Christina are also doing well. Vyxsin sings to her camel. Hehe. IB#2 wonders how she'll ever choke the milk down. And then, the funniest sequence of the episode, nay, of the season to date. Lorena makes progress on her milking. Jason calls over to her that she can do it. The camel shakes its head no, and elbows Lorena's bowl, spilling milk all over. She squeals "Jaaaaaason!" and the camel grouses. Hahahaha! TK's bowl is full, and he gulps the milk down. He does not enjoy it, describing it as "grainy, sweet, and warm". Ew. Still, if I were on the race, I think I'd take this Roadblock. TK runs back to Rachel, thanks the clue-wrangler, and opens the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! It tells them to lead four camels down a marked path to the next clue. Donald finishes with his camel and messily drinks the milk. He and Nicolas take off. Jennifer asks if Nathan's almost finished, and he snips that he's not even close to done. Lorena's camel elbows her again, and once again, the milk goes flying. She opens her mouth and wails like a banshee. I wonder why she's having so much trouble with an animal she's been expressly told is sensitive to loud noises. Weird! Julia gets some milk knocked out. Azaria's camel almost kicks him.

Christina's bowl is full. See what happens when you don't constantly berate and harangue your teammate? IB#2 also tries to turn in her bowl, despite the milk obviously being a full inch below the fill-line. If she's assuming the natives are idiots, it doesn't work, and the judge sends her back to the camel. Christina drinks and gets the next clue. TK and Rachel aimlessly wander off the marked path, in what is fast becoming their trademark maneuver. Nicolas and Donald are just kind of following them rather than looking for flags, so all four of them are on the wrong track. All twelve of them, if you count their camels. Ronald makes kissy faces at a camel, and Christina heartily approves, as their camels aren't giving them any trouble. She looks for flags, but he doesn't want to waste time with that, suggesting that they just follow the teams they can still see up ahead.

Vyxsin's done milking. She gets to drinking as Jennifer yells to Nathan to hurry up, because "everyone's already done". Sure, if by "everyone" she means "less than half". I have no doubt that if I were on this race, I'd get stressed out and snippy, but I am always at a loss to understand how someone thinks "You're not doing as well as other people!" is a helpful motivator. "Hurry up!" can be useful, on occasion. "You suck!" cannot. Of course, I can understand it coming from Jennifer, because she's a stank bitch. Kynt and Vyxsin get their clue and their camels. Hendekea moans about Azaria's lack of progress. But you guys are from Ethiopia! You're in the homeland! TK and Rachel figure out that they have no idea where they're going. They turn around, alerting Nicolas/Donald, Ronald/Christina, and now Kynt/Vyxsin that something's wrong. Christina gets a nice dig in at Ronald about how this is what happens when you follow others instead of focusing on the task. He apologizes, and interviews that he needs to have more faith in Christina's ability to lead.

Nathan's finished, so now Jennifer is "so proud of him". Well, of course! Thanks to the navigation difficulties of the lead teams, Nathan and Jennifer catch up by the time TK and Rachel discover the marked path, and slide into second place. Boo! Ronald is singing badly, which the camel does not appreciate. Christina politely asks him to put a lid on it. Why that four seconds of nothing made it into this episode's preview is beyond me. Back at the Roadblock, Lorena is in the middle of a full-on meltdown. "Baby, there's no more miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilk! THERE'S NO MORE MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILK!!!!!!!!!!!!" Maybe you'd better keep on screaming like you just watched your child get eaten by a shark. That'll help. Azaria spills some milk. Homeland! IB#2 is giving her camel a teatjob. Seriously, watch her repeatedly jerk her camel's nipple and try not to giggle like a seventh-grader. Julia's camel is dry. Lorena continues wailing.

Commercials. Why is that lady wearing so much makeup to bed? What does building a cardboard rocket have to do with JC Penney? Why are they advertising reruns of late-night talk shows? Why are commercials so freaking weird these days?

Lorena weeps as she gives us the titular quote. Azaria, Julia, and IB#2's camels also aren't giving any more milk. Lorena keeps looking at Jason in desperation, as if he's going to save her or give her milk of his own. Azaria is more practical, and asks to switch camels. After he does, IB#2 says "Me too! I want a new camel!" in a voice you would not be able to distinguish from a petulant child in the plush animal section of a toy store. Julia's still not getting milk, but she's getting plenty of camel poop. She switches, and finally, so does Lorena. Everyone starts doing better on their new camels except for her. Speaking of petulant children, Lorena gets kneed, and whinily tattles that the camel hit her, like it just stole her kickball or something. Azaria and a baby camel each take a teat, and are getting plenty of milk. He finishes, and runs to drink and get his clue.

TK and Rachel have found the next cluebox. They drop off their camels and grab the clue. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! The choice is between Teach It and Learn It. In Teach It, teams have to help a local child memorize ten English words (that go along with corresponding drawings of whatever the word is). When the child can recite all ten words in one sitting, the team will get its next clue. In Learn It, a local child will teach the team ten words in the local language (Moore -- pronounced more-EE, with some unbloggable accent marks). These ten words also correspond to drawings of what they represent, and once the team can recite all ten in one sitting, they'll get their next clue. Good task! Essentially, you just need to choose which is more reliable: a randomly-selected child's memory or your own. I'd go for Learn It. TK and Rachel disagree with me, and head for Teach It. Nathan and Jennifer choose Learn It. The sky has turned gray and threatening. That's not a metaphor. It really has. Kynt and Vyxsin reach the cluebox, and choose Learn It. Nicolas and Donald explain to the camera that they've gotten such little sleep recently, they'd be useless as memorizing words, so they opt for Teach It. Ronald and Christina say the same thing. The teams look around for the school.

IB#2 fills her bowl and gulps down her milk in a hurry. IB#1 interviews that she's proud of IB#2 for not complaining. I'm guessing that's because IB#2 realizes that they've got no time for that right now. They grab their camels and go. Meanwhile, Azaria and Hendekea are dropping theirs off. They open the Detour clue, and choose Learn It. They find a kid who knows where the school is, so they're able to make up some time on the other teams. Several teams converge on the children at one time, and everyone gets started on their language lessons. Ronald tries to teach the word skyscraper by referencing King Kong. That's probably not going to work. Nicolas and Donald's kid has issues with motorcycle. Kynt and Vyxsin work on learning tiiga (tree). Azaria and Hendekea handle the task exactly the right way, each taking responsibility for learning five of the ten words. Hendekea explains this systematic method in interview, saying that "it doesn't take a brainiac to memorize ten words". Smash cut to Nathan and Jennifer, having trouble memorizing ten words. Hah! The teachers make progress, though Nicolas and Donald's girl has trouble getting a "scr" sound out. She makes hilarious concentration faces as she tries to spit out the word. Kids really are the same everywhere.

Azaria and Hendekea go to take their test. They breeze through on their first try, vaulting them into the lead from sixth place. They get the clue that directs them down a marked path to this leg's pitstop, a small tribal village on the outskirts of Bingo. The last bipulgas here will race no more. A local child points the way for them. Although we could hear the rain pounding down while Azaria and Hendekea took their test, it only shows up now. So that's three out of three episodes with rain. Soggiest season ever. Debris is whipping past the windows, and camels are running in fear. As sucky as that is for the people in the school, it's even suckier for Julia and Lorena, still back at the Roadblock. The IBs are also not thrilled, though the camels they're leading don't seem to mind the impending storm. Lorena shrieks some more, so no news there. The kid sticking with Azaria and Hendekea knew what he was talking about, and they bring him onto the mat with them in first place. Phil stands there with the greeter under a pale pink umbrella. Hehe. They win a trip to Bermuda, which must seem nice as they stand in a torrential African downpour. Julia discovers a gentle rubbing technique that helps her get more milk. She fills her bowl and drinks it down. Some of it comes right back up, but she pulls herself together so they can read the clue. That just leaves Lorena, kneeling in the dirt and sobbing.

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As Marianna and Julia leave with their camels, Julia calls over to Lorena to try milking a camel that has a baby with it, because the best thing to do when you're in second-to-last place is to give the only people behind you useful advice. Lorena switches camels, and before you know it, her bowl is full. She gulps down the milk with nary a whimper, but cries in Jason's face before they leave with their camels. "Do you still love me?" she asks, and he good-naturedly assures her that sucking at a task doesn't destroy their relationship. Ronald and Christina's student passes her English test, and they leave for the pitstop. They have some initial trouble finding the marked path.

TK and Rachel's student passes. Nathan and Jennifer pass. Nicolas and Donald's student passes. Kynt and Vyxsin pass. All the teams search around in the mud and rain for the marked path. Ronald stops to put on a jacket. Jennifer spots the mat, so all the teams run for it. Nathan/Jennifer and TK/Rachel get there at about the same time, but the ground is muddy, and they can't stop on a dime, so they careen into the poor greeter woman, who by the way has a baby strapped to her back. Kynt/Vyxsin arrive before everyone straightens themselves out, so TK/Rachel are team two, Nathan/Jennifer are team three, and Kynt/Vyxsin are team four. As soon as they clear the mat, Ronald and Christina hop on as team five, and then Nicolas and Donald as team six. Phil can't believe that after the thousands of miles traveled in this leg, five teams have hit the mat at the same time. The teams smile happily.

The IBs have reached the Detour, and choose Teach It. IB#2 imparts the word cowboy with as much boob-jiggling as possible. Marianna and Julia walk along with their camels. La la la! No hurry! Jason and Lorena are not as lax, and try to jog as much as possible. The IBs finish teaching, and they thank the man that gives them the clue, completely ignoring the little boy that just passed the test for them. Marianna and Julia discover that Jason and Lorena are right behind them. "They're running with theirs, you wanna run?" asks Julia, like it's a big imposition. "Yeah, [dumbass]," says Marianna. She doesn't actually say "dumbass", but it's palpable. Both teams reach the Detour, and both choose Learn It. Jason says that Lorena's good at languages. The IBs check in as team seven. The weather has turned Phil's hair into a bed of porcupine spikes. Hehehe. This episode is all kinds of fun. Lorena and Jason find the school before Marianna and Julia. The two teams eye each other as they get to learning. They know they're battling over last place, and trying to memorize words in such a high-pressure situation can't be easy.

Jason and Lorena hurry through, and go to take their test. They're through a few words by the time Marianna and Julia go to take theirs. More overly loud, tense music. I get it, music. It's very exciting, but I'd really like to hear what these people are saying. Back and forth shots of both teams successfully reciting words. It's edited to look like both teams finish at about the same time, and are racing to the mat, though we never see them in a shot together. The greeter's baby sleeps peacefully on her back. Aw! Who will make it to the mat first? Who?!? Well, Jason and Lorena, unsurprisingly. They check in as team eight. Jason kindly interviews that Lorena gets so emotional because she's "passionate about life" (okay) and about "pleasing [him]" (ew). He goes on to talk about her "love of competition", which is beyond kind and into bullshit. I don't think "love of competition" translates into "throw a hysterical tantrum when you're not doing well".

And, here come Marianna and Julia. They're last to the mat, and they're eliminated. Julia weirdly holds her hair up in a bun to get the news. They hug each other. Marianna shrugs their elimination off, saying that it's sort of like they've had a black cloud hovering over them for the whole race, and that they never caught a break. Well, sort of. I won't deny that they had some wretched luck, such as always reaching an equalizing point the second they looked like they were pulling away from other teams. On the other hand, taking the long way to every destination, and cheerfully helping out the only team you can hope to beat cannot be laid at Lady Luck's feet. Marianna and Julia love each other very much, and wouldn't have done the race with anyone else. That's sweet. True, I'm pissed that they allowed a more annoying team to stay in the race, but it's sweet nonetheless.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Booty dancing in the African wild. The IBs piss off Jason and Lorena. Ooh, the battle of One Team I Don't Particularly Like versus Another Team I Don't Particularly Like! How exciting.

Overall Grade: A