Donkeys Have Souls, Too

The Amazing Race - Season 12, Episode 1

Previously on The Amazing Race: Eleven races, seven and a half of which were pretty darn entertaining. Season 6 gets partial credit. It's time for another trek around the world, and we can only hope the contestants will be able to travel to foreign countries without getting spit on. I guess they can always sew Canadian flag patches on their bags. This season starts with Phil standing on top of a Los Angeles skyscraper. They're starting from LA again? That's not very amazing. Branch out, producers! The teams head for the starting line in classic cars. I'm not one to get all giddy over the form of transportation the teams are dropped off by, but...cars. On a show where they've streamed in on jetskis. And they're being driven to the Playboy mansion. They could have chosen any landmark in America and that's where they want to begin? Ten seconds in, and I'm already worried that this season is going to be depressingly watered-down. Anyhow, my blood fails to race in excitement as the eleven teams are being sedately chauffeured to this ridiculous starting line in a "race for one. Million dollars." I admire Phil's ever-dramatic intonation of the prize money. Would you like to get acquainted with the teams again? Let's!

Marianna and Julia are sisters from Miami, Florida. I can't tell them apart just yet, but can cleverly deduce that Julia is talking when she refers to "Marianna and I". She says that they have the hearts and souls of soldiers, the "good looks" of a woman, and the "competitiveness and aggressiveness" of a man. Well, they're certainly well-versed in cliche. I wasn't aware that as a man, I'm ugly and aggressive.

Ronald and Christina are father and daughter from Tacoma, Washington. I'd call the shot of them happily bonding by riding foot-propelled scooters the funniest intro clip, but cannot, because I've already seen the rest. As mentioned on the web bio, Ronald traveled a lot for business when Christina was young, so she's looking forward to getting to know him better over the course of the race.

Kynt and Vyxsin are a dating goth couple from Louisville, Kentucky. I'd love to know what their real names are. As they run gaily through a cemetery, Kynt voices-over that goth is all about beauty and art, but with a darker edge. He goes on to say that they're like real-life cartoon characters, and that for them, every day is Halloween. Well, then give me some candy. Kynt's goth getup doesn't suit him very well, but I have to say that Vyxsin's pink hair is really kind of fetching.

Nicolas and Donald are a grandson and his grandfather. Nicolas is a young airline pilot. Donald swears more than your average kindly old man. That's pretty much all they can find to say about themselves.

Nathan and Jennifer are a requisite dysfunctional couple from Huntington Beach, California. Their intro shots naturally show them working out together, because that's probably the only thing these two have in common. Jennifer and her boobs tell us that Nathan has been unfaithful to her in the past, and he says that it was one of the biggest mistakes of his life, so he's now trying to prove that he loves her. Well, the stress of international travel and never-ending pressure from other teams will surely provide a wonderful opportunity for that.

Azaria and Hendekea are brother and sister from New Orleans, Louisiana. Now this is the funniest intro clip. Despite the fact that Azaria is a facilities engineer and Hendekea is an aerospace engineer, they are shown in lab coats and glasses, swirling a beaker full of yellow liquid around. Hahahahaha! It's the total entertainment industry cliche of "Look! Science is happening!" Yep, as a scientist, I can tell you that playing with a rainbow of chemicals is all that we do all day. Between our efforts to create super-viruses and genetically modify babies, that is. They try a weak sibling rivalry angle, and Azaria says that they'll have an advantage over other teams because they're more intelligent. Sure, smart teams always win. Just ask Freddy, Kendra, Eric, and Danielle. They're total Mensa candidates.

Lorena and Jason are a dating couple from Los Angeles, California. Should they get married? Should they not? Should I care?

Kate and Pat are married, lesbian ministers. They say that this state of affairs causes people's eyebrows to raise, which is understandable. The blond one says that they are not "wimps for Jesus". Hehe. They promise to give the competition their all. Hey, I have no problem believing that lesbians or ministers can race well. It's the mileage on the ol' Life Odometer that I'm a little worried about.

Ari and Staella are friends and coworkers. They're a couple of those tiresome people who try and play to the camera by espousing "Oooh, we're naughty!" attitudes. Yawn. Ari says that "karma's a bitch, but I'm a bigger bitch". Really? Why don't you get back to me in about an hour on that one?

Shana and Jennifer are friends from Los Angeles, California. Well, it's nice to meet the four of you. Shana says that they fully plan to "flirt their way" through the competition. Have at it, ladies. I'm sure that strategy will work out nicely when you're faced with eating a plate of cow lips or need to dig an ice fishing hole.

TK and Rachel are a "newly dating" couple from Southern California. The fact that Rachel can look past the tragic grunge hairstyle TK is working to the personality beneath is a testament to her character. Nothing besides the fact that they like each other is mentioned. Fascinating.

Phil wonders who will have the essential combination of brains, brawn, and teamwork to win the race. Phil, you forgot to ask who will surge ahead because of their boobaliciousness! The teams walk up to the starting line, and Phil welcomes them. He tells them that there are eleven legs to the race, and that someone will be eliminated at the end of eight of the legs. Wait, I thought I heard that there aren't any non-elimination points this time around. If there aren't, yay! It was an interesting twist at first, but those things really got to be tedious. The first clue awaits the teams on top of their luggage. When Phil gives the word, they may run for the clue, then for one of the cars lined up on the driveway. Blah blah money. Everyone's raring to go. "The world is waiting for you". The racers assume sprint positions. "Good luck." Phil raises his hand. "Travel safe." Ari and Staella clutch hands, because that'll really speed them up on their dash for the clue. "GO!!!"

Everyone takes off. A large knot of racers almost collides, but most of them manage to get to the luggage at the same time, though Blond Lesbian and Donald are lagging. Shocker. [Upon reviewing previous seasons' opening credits, it looks like team members are always lined up in reading order. That would mean Blond Lesbian is Pat, so that's what I'm assuming for now.] Rrrrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to get to Shannon, Ireland. Oooh, cool. Everyone hops into a car in panic mode. Marianna and Julia have apparently not agreed on who's doing what in advance, as they both wrestle for the driver's door. In order to heighten the tension and excitement of the opening leg, we get a riveting scene in which Nicolas and Donald take their sweet time about leaving. Since they're the first in the line of cars on a narrow driveway, nobody else can go, so everyone is just sitting around honking their horns. Zzzz. Seriously. The slow ride to the starting line. Taking off from Hef's place. A line of unmoving traffic. Is the whole race going to be this Early Bird Special-y? I feel like I should pull my pants up to my chest and yell at some kids to get off my lawn. The teams finally get going.

Opening credits. Hehehe. Azaria and Hendekea's beaker of yellow liquid has made it here, too. Science!

The teams begin to make their way to the airport. Nicolas and Donald, having left first, are the first to arrive at a T-junction, and decide to take a right. Nicolas explains that they're not from California, which does kind of suck for them, given that half the other teams are. Donald says that he's watched the race from home, and decided that he can do everything previous contestants have done. Azaria and Hendekea take a left. Ari and Staella take a right, and TK and Rachel follow. Hendekea realizes that they've gone a different direction than everyone else. Ari and Staella screech in excitement over going to Ireland, and Staella interviews that they probably won't make many friends on the race because Ari "tells it like it is". If they say anything that isn't straight out of Chapter One of Reality Show Villainy and You: How to Spin Your Lack of Personality Into Diet Fame, let me know. Kynt and Vyxsin take a right, Kynt sighing "Oh my Goth, where are we going?" Yeah, he was clearly waiting to drop that little nugget of wit, but it was good for a giggle. Lorena and Jason take a left. I can tell that Lorena's going to be one of those people who yells "WOOOOOOOOOO!" a lot. As if she heard me, she interviews that Jason's a lot more calm than she is. Marianna and Julia hang a right. Nathan and Jennifer go left. Jennifer seems pretty sure that she's heading in the correct direction.

More driving. Hendekea implores Azaria to take a left, as he interviews that his biggest fear is "her not being ready", which will cause him to "blow a gasket". All right, then. They take a wrong turn, which allows Lorena and Jason to take the lead. I guess Jennifer was right. The teams that went left are in good shape. Lorena and Jason find the freeway to the airport, which makes Lorena coo "Baby, I love you...I'm so grateful!" For finding the freeway? Jeez. Nathan and Jennifer are right behind them. Kate/Pat, Ronald/Christina, and Shana/Jennifer have magically found their way here, too. Nicolas leans out of his window to ask for directions and makes a U-turn, alerting the other four teams who mistakenly took a right at the T-junction to follow suit. Donald says that they're hoping to make a British Airways flight. Hey, yeah! Normally, Phil tells the audience about what flights are available (usually two), and he didn't bother this time. I guess we didn't have time, what with all that stimulating sitting-around-in-honking-cars footage. Hendekea asks for help as well, which causes Azaria to grumble about "women and directions". Yeah, what is with those chicks always wanting to go, like, the right way and stuff?

Smoggy highways. Airport. The lead teams all head for a specified parking lot (I guess -- it's never mentioned, but they all know to head there). Ronald and Christina go the wrong way. Lorena and Jason are first to the marked British Airways counter. Nathan and Jennifer have gotten themselves on a slow shuttle, so Shana/Jennifer and Kate/Pat are next to the counter. Lagging teams try to grab a shuttle. Azaria/Hendekea and Marianna/Julia are picked up, but Nicolas and Donald miss it. Nathan and Jennifer get to the British Airways counter, where the first flight is starting to fill up. Marianna and Julia narrowly edge out Azaria and Hendekea to the counter. Hendekea tries to ask the agent how many seats will be left after the sisters get their tickets, and the agent awesomely (yet politely) tells her to wait her turn. Turns out Marianna and Julia did, indeed, get the last seats, so Azaria and Hendekea are out of luck (as are Nicolas and Donald, waiting in line behind them). The classic Slow Motion Shots of Team In Peril lead us into the commercial break.

Commercials. Cripes, how tall is Peyton Manning?

Now that the British Airways flight is full, the rest of the teams must head for Aer Lingus. Azaria and Hendekea are frustrated that they didn't make the first flight. As the British Airways flight prepares to depart, Lorena interviews that they should have a forty-five minute lead over the other teams. Ronald and Christina catch up to Azaria and Hendekea at the gate, where they are using a laptop that they've borrowed from a kind-hearted lady. The two teams decide to form a little mini-alliance for the time being. All the other teams have managed to find their way on board the Aer Lingus flight, though we thankfully don't have to watch them all purchase tickets. Azaria borrows another passenger's cell phone so that Hendekea can call ahead to reserve a taxi for them and Ronald/Christina at the Shannon airport. The plane takes off. Phil explains that the British Airways flight is connecting through London, and the Aer Lingus flight through Dublin. Makes sense. Air travel, being the unreliable beast it is, throws its first wrench into the works. The British Airways flight is delayed in London. So who lands in Shannon first? Aer Lingus! Whee! They land at 12:42 PM, and everyone heads outside.

It's raining, as I've heard it usually is in Ireland. How do you think it stays so green? Hendekea almost racks her head on the camera. Ari and Staella hop in the cab that was meant for Ronald and Christina, though I don't think they're aware of that at first. Azaria and Hendekea get theirs with no problem. Ari and Staella figure out that they've taken another team's taxi, and are delighted with another opportunity to brag about being such rapscallions. Azaria and Hendekea are still at the airport, trying to arrange for another taxi to come pick up Ronald and Christina. There's no time for that! Alliances are complicated on this show. You really can't plan them out in advance. If you find yourself at a task or airport counter, and can symbiotically work with another team to screw over someone else, it can work out, but you can't pledge to stick together through everything. Look what happened to the Underdogs. Ari and Staella's cab driver figures out that he's got the wrong people, which he could have avoided by asking for names or identification at the airport, but whatever.

Phil then lets loose a stream of task information involving difficult names in his New Zealand accent, and there isn't a hint of subtitle to help. Thanks for nothing, CBS. Help me, internet! Ah, here we go. Teams are now making their way to the Rossaveal ferry port, where they'll take a ferry to the island of Inis Mor. Once on the island, they'll have to find Teampall Bheanain, a tenth century ruin that is considered the smallest church in the world. Yeah, I'd say they could pack in a congregation of about two. Waiting in the church is a list where teams sign up for one of three returning ferries. Wait, that's the entire task? Take a ferry to the island, then back again? This episode will turn out not to have a Detour, so I'm wondering if something's missing or edited out here. Anyway, three teams may come back to the mainland at 8:00 AM, three at 8:30, and the rest at 9:30. Ronald and Christina have found a taxi, as have Kynt and Vyxsin. Nicolas and Donald find one, too. TK and Rachel are wandering around aimlessly, and Marianna and Julia are still in the airport.

By the time they find cabs, the British Airways flight has landed. More cab-getting. Azaria and Hendekea think their cabbie knows a shortcut, while Ronald and Christina's cruises right by Ari and Staella. Hehehe. How are you liking that stolen taxi now? The shortcut has worked, and Azaria and Hendekea are first to board the ferry, which departs at 4:45 PM. I don't know how long that is from now, but it's long enough for all the other teams to catch up. I'm not a fan of equalizing all the teams, then forcing them into a mini-race for a time advantage. It penalizes teams who work to get ahead, but may not necessarily have pure speed. Ronald confronts Ari and Staella about the stolen cab, and they pretend not to know it was reserved. Blame the taxi driver, Ronald. He actually doesn't appear to care that much. On the ferry to the island, Kate says the line from the preview, that "The Amazing Race is a love letter to the planet."

LabRat: "That's why you're using a bunch of fuel, jetting around the world to win a load of money."

Once on the island, teams get wildly varying directions to the church from different locals. Oh, so it's not right there in front of them. That's much better than having them dash off the boat and right up to the ferry sign-in sheet. I take back my objection from before. Teams rush all over the place. The island is unbelievably green and beautiful. After jogging for a bit, Jennifer has to stop and walk. That's Nathan's Jennifer, not Shana's Jennifer. We'll have to find some sort of identifying mark to keep them separate, which will be difficult. Both blond. Both Californian. Both booby. Both irritating. Anyway, why does it always seem to be the gym-rat teams who run out of steam first? It's telling to see how teams handle setbacks, both minor and major. Nathan's response to Jennifer's having to walk for a stretch? "You're the worst person at this I've ever met." Supportive. I can see why she's so desperate to make it work with him. She screeches back at him. Kynt and Vyxsin are making good time, and Vyxsin interviews that they're like "little Gothic Energizer bunnies".

Marianna/Julia and Ronald/Christina are finding that their directions weren't very good, and they're now two miles off from where they need to be. Ouch. Some teams spot the church in the distance and begin to trudge up the hill that leads to it. First to the sign-in sheet are Lorena and Jason, closely followed by TK/Rachel and Kynt/Vyxsin. They all get to leave the next day at 8:00 AM. Ari/Staella, Nathan/Jennifer, and Azaria/Hendekea get the 8:30 ferry. Nathan and Jennifer make up and share a little smooch. Oh, well that's all right then. I'm sure they'll never fight again. Jennifer cries that this was the hardest thing she's ever had to do. Walking down a street, then up a hill is the hardest thing she's ever had to do? I've played games of Candyland that were more arduous than this task.

Donald tumbles into a bush as he walks up the hill, then gets his shoelaces tangled up in the branches. Sigh. Why do they even bother casting old people on this show? I tend to like them, but it's always so frustrating to watch them struggle. Donald finally gets to his feet, and it looks like he's got some small cuts on his face. Yikes. The remaining teams sign up for the 9:30 ferry. Ronald and Christina are last on the list. The teams get to stay at a bed and breakfast for the night. There isn't a lot of room, so Azaria and Hendekea give up one of their beds for Ronald and Christina. Aw. Although I'd be hard-pressed to share a twin-sized bed with my sister. Shana and Jennifer are depressed that they're on the last ferry. What, you mean flirting with the ferry and the church didn't work? Weird!

Morning. The 8:00 AM departure teams board the ferry. "Two fairies on a ferry," Vyxsin sings. Phil tells us that once they make it back to the mainland, the teams will select a car, which has the next clue under the windshield wipers. He recaps which teams are on which ferry. At 8:55 AM, the first ferry docks. Rrrrrrrrrip! The clue tells the teams to drive themselves forty-two miles to Cleggan Farm, where they'll have to take a very muddy tandem bike ride along a trail to the next cluebox. After getting some directions from the ferry workers, everyone takes off. Lorena and Jason are in the lead, but Lorena realizes that nobody else is sticking with them. This worries her, because the other teams have directions to the farm that she and Jason do not. Then why are they the lead car? Lorena frets because they're not following the directions they've been given. So do they have directions or not? This is confusing. One thing I can say for sure is that she's excessively whiny about it, and he's excessively dismissive. She manages to hear me again, and admits in interview that her uncontrollable emotions are a weakness of hers. Well, it's nice to see someone with a grain of self-awareness for once. I feel somewhat bad for her, as her boyfriend isn't listening to a word she's saying about the directions, but just try and listen to her whine "Liiiiiiisten to meeeeeeeee!!!!" without wanting to smack her across the face with a halibut.

Commercials. Are people really still talking about Spiderman 3? Wasn't it out, like, a year ago?

Lorena and Jason pull over to a small shop for directions, and it turns out she was totally right that they were taking the... Well, not the wrong route, but an unnecessarily lengthy one. Back in the car, she much more calmly (and thus much more acceptably) tells Jason that she doesn't feel they're communicating well, which is also a problem in their day-to-day lives. He still doesn't seem to really be listening to her, but murmurs an apology. Meanwhile, the second ferry is docking at 9:20 AM. TK/Rachel and Kynt/Vyxsin arrive at Cleggan farm at the same time, and select tandem bicycles. Not three seconds into the ride, Kynt and Vyxsin's chain breaks. Either they can't fix it or it can't be fixed, and they just decide to walk the bike to the end of the trail. Lorena and Jason must have really taken the long way, because the second knot of teams is next to the tandem bikes. Nathan and Jennifer get off to a quick start, with Ari/Staella and Azaria/Hendekea not far behind. Azaria and Hendekea soon pass Ari and Staella, who are whining at such a high pitch, I wish I had a dog to translate.

TK and Rachel arrive at the next cluebox, which is this season's first Roadblock. As Phil explains, the Roadblock is a task that only one member of the team may perform, and though the rule goes unsaid as usual, I'm guessing that team members have to split the race's Roadblocks fairly evenly. "Who's ready to pedal for their partner?" They easily decide that TK will take it on. Phil describes the actual task, which is a doozy. The Roadblocker pedals a bike attached to a high-wire, which is suspended two hundred feet above a ravine. They actually have to cross over a river. Not only that, but the Roadblocker's partner will be hanging off a pole that hangs eight feet below the bike. I'm sure everything is lashed to a million supports and safety harnesses, but it still looks intimidating. I always talk about who would take on certain tasks with whoever's watching the show with me, and it took one look of that wobbly bike for me to turn to LabRat and say "have fun". Hanging off the bottom actually looks kind of fun.

As TK and Rachel head for the wire, the third ferry docks at 10:15 AM. The last group of teams all stress about being in the back of the pack. Everyone gets going except Shana and Jennifer, who stop for directions, and thus sink to last place. What's funny is that even the subtitle guy doesn't care who they are, referring to them as "Nathan and Jennifer". See, I told you we need an identifying mark! TK and Rachel get started on their high-wire task. Kynt and Vyxsin finally get to the cluebox, and Vyxsin takes the Roadblock. They're not far ahead of Nathan and Jennifer, who refer to the Goths as the Freaks. Nice. Nathan takes the Roadblock. TK and Rachel are simultaneously thrilled and terrified as they cross the ravine. Rachel hangs on for dear life as the pole beneath the bike starts swaying wildly with each pedal pump. They get to the other side, and receive their next clue. And thus begins the portion of the episode that completely redeems all that earlier blah.

Teams must now choose a donkey from a nearby hitching post. After filling the two baskets it's carrying with fifteen pieces of peat each, the teams must walk their donkey back to the farm's entrance. Simple, no? Mwahahahaha! TK and Rachel start loading up a donkey's baskets. Kynt and Vyxsin start crossing the ravine. Vyxsin's cat-eye glasses (or Mrs. Peacock glasses, as I like to call them) are super-cool. There is more than one bike setup, so Nathan and Jennifer can get started as well. To nobody's surprise, Nathan's faster on the pedaling, so he reaches the other side of the ravine a little ahead of Vyxsin. Both teams sprint for the cluebox, and either Kynt has no peripheral vision or he intentionally almost body-checks Nathan. I wouldn't do that, Kynt. Nathan wouldn't be my first choice in a trivia team partner, but I'm pretty sure he can beat you up. Both teams read their clues and approach the donkeys, just as TK and Rachel are leaving. Rachel gives the donkey a friendly little slap on the ass, and the donkey happily starts moving.

Azaria has taken the Roadblock, and he and Hendekea cross the ravine. Staella gets started next. They finish at about the same time, and run to pick a donkey. Ari and Staella choose a donkey off by himself because he "looks lonely". Little do they know that there's probably a good reason the donkeys have left this one out of their clique. Jennifer's having trouble with the concept of counting to fifteen. She manages to work it out, and she and Nathan head for the farm in second place. Ari calls his donkey stupid. Significant close-up on the donkey, as if to show him thinking "Stupid, eh? Suddenly I'm not feeling so cooperative." Azaria and Hendekea, having passed Ari and Staella on the tandem bike ride, now pass Kynt and Vyxsin on the donkey walk. They just keep on climbing! TK, Rachel, and their donkey actually pass Lorena and Jason coming the other way on their tandem bike. Those were some mighty shitty directions. Azaria and Hendekea have picked the best donkey ever, as it's not even waiting for them. They have to jog to keep up with it, Azaria laughingly challenging it to a race. Heh. Nathan and Jennifer see them coming, and do what they've been doing best the entire episode: Immediately become flustered.

Jason takes the Roadblock. Ari and Staella try to leave with their donkey, but forgot to untie it from the hitching post, and it drags the thing to pieces, while kicking at the other donkeys. He is so the bully of the donkey playground. Ari continues to shriek at it in a tone of voice that has me looking around for something sharp I can puncture my eardrums with. Azaria and Hendekea run. Jason pedals. Azaria and Hendekea pass Nathan and Jennifer, dropping the latter to third place. Do Nathan and Jennifer immediately become flustered? They do! They whine and scream in their donkey's face, which we all know is the quickest way to get an animal to like you. Ari is similarly threatening his donkey, who's like "La la la! Can't hear you! I'm 'stupid', remember?" Kynt and Vyxsin pass Nathan and Jennifer, dropping the latter to fourth place. Nathan screams at it some more. "YOU CAN'T YELL LIKE THAT!!!!!" Jennifer screams just as loudly. Nathan and Jennifer's donkey: "AAAAAAA-eee! AAAAAAA-eee! AAAAAAA-eee!" This is awesome. "I don't know what's wrong with him," Nathan sighs. My guess is that like any right-thinking sentient being, he hates you.

Commercials. Not that I'll be rushing off for a Big Mac or anything, but the guy in this McDonald's commercial is really cute.

Nathan and Jennifer are completely stymied by their stubborn donkey. It's very poetic. Nathan yanks on the rope (from too far away -- he should grip it just under the donkey's chin). Jennifer stands by and snivels.

LabRat: "Why won't she slap its ass? That's probably why Nathan cheated on her."

Lorena and Jason pass Ari and Staella. Have I mentioned I love these donkeys? The obnoxious teams just keep plummeting and plummeting. TK and Rachel are not obnoxious, and are therefore not having the slightest problem. They drop off their donkey and receive the final clue. They must now drive thirteen miles to the Connemara Heritage Centre, this leg's pitstop. The last team there will forever shoulder the embarrassment of First Team Out. TK and Rachel happily take off. Rachel says that all they have to do now is not get lost. Fate looks down and says "Oh, good. Someone to smite. I've been so out of practice lately." Azaria and Hendekea drop off their donkey, whom Hendekea politely thanks as she calls him Eeyore. Hehe. They're off to the pitstop. Kynt and Vyxsin aren't far behind. TK takes a wrong turn, which allows Azaria and Hendekea to pass yet another team. Kynt and Vyxsin pass as well. TK and Rachel figure out what went wrong and get back on the right track.

Ari and Staella are yelling at their donkey. Nathan and Jennifer's donkey is yelling at them. Lorena and Jason pseudo-sympathetically pass Nathan and Jennifer, dropping the latter to fifth place. Nathan gets the dubious distinction of being the first to sing a chorus of "Poor Us, We're Out Of It". Azaria and Hendekea reach the pitstop, leap out of the car, and run like hell. Kynt/Vyxsin and TK/Rachel are nipping at their heels, but they're not fast enough, and Azaria and Hendekea land on the mat in first place. Woo! I know the first leg isn't a good indicator of how a team's going to do overall, but they did really well today. The adorable greeter welcomes them. Phil tells them that they're first, and that they've won a trip to a lovely resort in Alberta. Azaria interviews that Hendekea has a small frame, but that she's got a tiger within. She makes a tiger claw and hissing noise. Hehehe. They smile. I covet their teeth.

Ari is still annoying the piss out of me, his donkey, the entire viewing audience, his camera crew, and any other plants or animals unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity. Nicolas and Donald are just now crossing the ravine. Kynt and Vyxsin arrive at the mat in second place. I have to say, I underestimated these two just as much as the other teams did. Well done. They're thrilled. Ari yells at and threatens his donkey some more. The donkey fails to care. Nicolas and Donald are starting down the trail with their donkey. TK and Rachel arrive at the mat as team number three. Ronald is singing "Danny Boy" horribly as he pedals himself and Christina across the ravine. Heh. Christina is really proud of the way he tore through the task, and they're off to the donkeys in great spirits. Lorena and Jason turn in their donkey and head for the pitstop in much better moods than they were in earlier. You know who's not in a good mood? Nathan and Jennifer, still arguing with their donkey and with each other. Nicolas and Donald, whose ferry docked almost a full hour behind Nathan and Jennifer's, are now passing them, dropping the latter to sixth place. Love, love, love that donkey.

Ronald and Christina happily pass Ari and Staella, who are still screeching at their donkey. Take it, Christina! "I was really surprised at how Ari and Staella were treating their donkey. Donkeys have souls, too!". She grins. Hehe. Staella yells. Watching them fail brings me joy. Marianna and Julia cross the ravine. Kate and Pat are right behind them. And bringing up the rear is Shana and Jennifer, who I'd pretty much forgotten existed by this point. Marianna and Julia get a quick start on the donkey, but spill some of their peat. Shana and Jennifer cross the ravine. Nicolas and Donald turn in their donkey as Shana and Jennifer arrive at theirs. Staella mopes. Each of her salty tears is like a precious diamond to me. Lorena and Jason hit the mat as team number four. Wow, they made up a lot of time. Kate/Pat, Marianna/Julia, and Shana/Jennifer wander right by Ari and Staella, and I savor the "Currently In Last Place" subtitle for as long as I can. Shana and Jennifer are being nice to their donkey, who is happy to run as fast as they'd like. Funny how that works. Their donkey trots so quickly, they vault from tenth to sixth place in a breeze, dropping Nathan and Jennifer to seventh. Shana and Jennifer head for the pitstop, making time to kiss the donkey wrangler on the way out, of course.

Nicolas and Donald check in as team number five. Kate and Pat apologetically pass Nathan and Jennifer, dropping the latter to eighth place. Then Ronald and Christina, dropping them to ninth. They throw more tantrums. I could watch this all day. Marianna and Julia have some initial trouble with their donkey, but work it out and start to pick up the pace. Kate/Pat and Ronald/Christina turn in their donkeys and head for the pitstop. Ronald plants a kiss on his donkey's head as they leave. Awwwww. Shana and Jennifer are shocked to arrive at the mat as team six. The other Jennifer sobs. She and Nathan interview that they tried everything to move the donkey. Everything except not wailing like an air-raid siren, that is. They finally make some headway by pushing on its butt. Ari and Staella make slow progress, as well. Nooooo! Hurry, Marianna and Julia! Jennifer prays to the Lord to help her move her ass. In both senses. Come on, you knew I had to go there at least once. The Lord makes his opinion clear by sending Marianna and Julia sprinting by, dropping Nathan and Jennifer to tenth place. Tenth. After starting the donkey task in second.

Marianna and Julia drop off their donkey and head for the pitstop. The two loser teams struggle. Go, Marianna and Julia, go! Nathan and Jennifer finally finish, and can't get away from their donkey fast enough. Go, Marianna and Julia, go! Ronald and Christina arrive at the mat as team seven. Kate and Pat are right behind them as team eight. The four share a hug on the mat as Ronald talks about not wanting to disappoint Christina. She says that they're in it together. Aw. The four of them get a little teary. But enough of that... Go, Marianna and Julia, go! They arrive at the Heritage Centre only a few steps ahead of Nathan and Jennifer. Will they make it to the mat ahead of them? Will they!?!?

YES! Marianna and Julia check in as team number nine, which means that the Irish donkeys have very efficiently shuffled the two most annoying teams to the back, so no matter what happens now, we're ensured a happy ending. I'm on the brink of sending a hundred thousand bushels of the tastiest carrots in Creation over to those noble creatures, with "THANK YOU" carved on each one. Nathan and Jennifer arrive at the mat before Phil announces the news, and they must not know that Ari and Staella are still way behind, because they look petrified. Upon hearing that Marianna and Julia are team nine, Nathan and Jennifer celebrate happily. Yeah, you don't suck quite as much as one other team. Yay!

Ari and Staella drag themselves to the mat. They're last, and they're eliminated. Aaaaaaaah. The amount of irritation we've just saved ourselves by not having to watch these two laughingly smarm their way across the globe is incalculable. Ari is thankfully silent for once. Staella says that there's so much more they could have done and seen. Ari interviews that karma bit them on the ass. Well, partially. I happen to think the cab-snatching pales in comparison to the team's determination to expend their energy trying to play themselves up as rascals, rather than actually racing. That and some good, old-fashioned ineptitude. Staella thinks the race has brought them closer together as friends. Isn't that sweet. Now go away.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Ronald and Christina get into a fight. Donald falls down some more.

Overall Grade: B+