I've Become the Archie Bunker of the Home

The Amazing Race - Season 12, Episode 2

Previously on The Amazing Race: Eleven teams took off from the House of Bunnies on a race around the world. First stop? Ireland. Damn, Kynt's biceps are way bigger than I expected. His arm muscles were not the only thing to impress others, as he and Vyxsin astonished the other teams by zipping through the entire leg. Nathan/Jennifer and Lorena/Jason lived up to their tiresome, fighting couple images by being... Tiresome, fighting couples. Ronald and Christina had a blast, while Nathan spent the back half of the episode "cursing" like Napoleon Dynamite. Azaria and Hendekea darted into the lead, while Nathan and Jennifer's donkey became the hero of the hour by busting them down eight places. Ari and Staella insulted Karma, and Karma responded by flicking them off its sweater like the insignificant lint balls they are. Ten teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. It tickles me that for all the work they put into cultivating their Evil Team image, Ari and Staella's lasting legacy is a lonely little jig.

County Galway, Ireland. The overhead shots make it look too gorgeous to be real. As always, I'm going to skip the suspense-killer that is Phil's Opening Blather, so let's go straight to Azaria and Hendekea, leaving the mat at 12:00 AM. Rrrrrrrip! The clue directs them to fly to Amsterdam, the Netherlands. Once there, they'll hop a train to the central station, then search the nearby bridges for the one with the next cluebox in the middle. Naturally, the name of the bridge isn't subtitled, because we can all naturally figure out Melkmeisjesbrug for ourselves, right? It's like the subtitle guys have just thrown up their hands in defeat this season. Come on, folks. You've managed to get Tohotohobato Ambondrona Analakely, and your titles certainly couldn't be any worse than the random assortment of letters that pop up on Top Chef.

Azaria and Hendekea snip a little over directions, but appear to be well-situated. Kynt and Vyxsin leave the mat at 12:08 AM, and we're let in on the fact that teams will get $59 for this leg of the race. They're looking forward to Amsterdam, and Kynt says that teams are often "in the dark" as far as what's coming up. Vyxsin tries to sound appropriately Gloomy Goth as she says that normally, the dark is one of her favorite places to dwell. Smash cut to her in the backseat, grinning like her grandma just told her she can have extra rainbow sprinkles on her sundae. Hehehe. TK and Rachel leave the mat at 12:15 AM, and are naturally thrilled to go to Amsterdam. Understandable. I mean, look at them. TK interviews that his relationship with Rachel is way more important than any race, so they're determined to enjoy themselves. Well, good.

Lorena and Jason smooch before leaving the mat at 1:15 AM. Lorena says that they're calm and composed now, which causes Jason to grin like a maniac, because he knows that the second they suffer a tiny setback, she'll have a meltdown. She smiles at this, which I hope is a knowing "Yeah, I can be a freak sometimes" smile and not "Oh, what a funny joke, sweetie!" smile. Nicolas and Donald leave the mat at 1:35 AM. Nicolas says he'll never yell at Donald to run faster, but that his grandfather tends to be slow sometimes, which drives Nicolas insane. Well, good thing they didn't sign up to be on some sort of race, then. Donald's already puttering along the road at ten miles under the speed limit. Shana and Jennifer leave the mat at 1:57 AM. I'm still not sure I can tell them apart, but Interchangeable Blond #1 (Shana, I think) says that she hasn't had a facial or manicure, so the race is even tougher than we can imagine. Your bravery is an inspiration to millions, Interchangeable Blond #1. She can't figure out how to keep the car's lights on without keeping one hand on the controls at all times, and wonders if she's an idiot. Too easy; moving on.

Donald continues embracing every stereotypical old man behavior in the book by driving straight into a curb that Nicolas easily spotted from a distance. Sigh. Why isn't Nicolas driving? Their tire is flattened, and they get to work fixing it. Meanwhile, Ronald and Christina are leaving the mat at 2:46 AM. Christina interviews that they're learning to "work out the kinks" of their relationship. Judging from last week, they didn't really seem to have any, but I don't think I'm ruining too much to tell you that this relationship is actually kinkier than a Vegas bondage club. Christina has forgotten her fanny pack, and has to run back to get it. Ronald chides her not to do that again. Kate and Pat leave the mat at 2:47 AM. And then... Wait, this can't be right. Let me rewind. Oh, my God! It's true! I've watched it five times, and still can't believe she actually said it!

Kate: "We are religious people, but we have no illusions that God cares whether or not we win The Amazing Race."
Pat (jokingly): "No? Dang!"

Cue the streamers. Get a cake in here. Mark your calendars, so that this day may go down in history. Some reality show contestants (ministers, to boot) have finally grasped the concept that God does not take a particular interest in the outcome of games and contests! Thank you, thank you, thank you! It may seem odd that I'm making such a big deal of this, but maybe you didn't have to suffer through Russell and Cyndi, who believed that God put an angel trinket in some house where they got directions, or those fucking Weavers, who thanked Jesus for the divine instruction that allowed them to consult a map, or Bilal and Sa'eed, who assumed the Creator was responsible for a traffic jam, or Lyn and Karlyn, who demonstrated their infallible senses of Christian morality by flicking people off, yelling at blameless ticket agents, and admonishing others to examine their consciences for having the nerve to outrace them. And that's just this show. Don't even get me started on the vacuous twits who think God wants them to vanquish other wannabe models by, say, rubbing dirty underwear on someone else's bed.

Anyhow, off they go. Shana and Jennifer drive by Nicolas and Donald, saying that they'd stop if somebody looked injured, but they're not going to stop and help them with their car trouble. Sounds fair to me. Nicolas and Donald finish fixing their tire. Marianna and Julia leave the mat at 2:59 AM, and last to leave are Nathan and Jennifer, at 3:00 AM. They blah some twaddle about being competitive and getting a "wake-up call", and it's nothing you haven't heard a thousand times from teams just like them. Jennifer's already given up on vanity, not bothering to put in her contacts just yet. I don't blame her, though I'm not sure those Velma frames are the way to go. They get on a road Jennifer thinks is more direct than the one Marianna and Julia took.

Azaria/Hendekea and Kynt/Vyxsin arrive at the Shannon airport. Hendekea interviews that Kynt has some serious adrenaline, so it looks like the Goths can't count on being underestimated anymore. The four of them decide that connecting through Dublin is probably the way to go, so they set up camp at Aer Lingus, which won't open until 6:00 AM. TK/Rachel and Lorena/Jason arrive. Meanwhile, Kate/Pat and Ronald/Christina have stopped by a small inn to use their internet connection. It looks like they can't book tickets, but they can at least learn flight information. Shana and Jennifer get to the airport. Ronald begins needling Christina about wasting time, like, if you're in such an all-fired hurry, why didn't you go to the airport directly? Nathan and Jennifer pass by the inn. Nicolas and Donald reach the airport. Ronald continues to pick and pick at Christina. That's not just my interpretation, as once the teams finally start for the airport, Kate and Pat disdain the way he just harped on her, and hope Christina isn't having a miserable time.

By the time 6:00 AM rolls around, Nathan and Jennifer are almost to the airport. The Aer Lingus counter opens, and Hendekea asks about tickets to Amsterdam. Kynt and Vyxsin are getting the same tickets from another agent, saying that the flight should arrive in Amsterdam by 12:15 PM. Not bad. Nathan and Jennifer dash into the airport, now in sixth place. Azaria is finding out that while it may be a cinch to fly from Shannon to Dublin, there's only room for six teams on the Dublin to Amsterdam flight. Dun dun dun! Everyone starts booking seats. The ticket agent has an ill-advised ABBA haircut. Ronald and Christina reach the airport line, but Kate and Pat are still wandering around outside. Kate says that Pat has survived cancer, so she's very "solid in her own being". Apparently, being solid in one's own being means that they never hurry anywhere. Kate hears this somehow, and says that while they may not be the fastest team, they'll get ahead by being smart. I mean... Yes, it's important to play intelligently, but that doesn't preclude trying to get places quickly.

Seats are filling up on the Dublin-Amsterdam flight, and we're let in on the fact that ABBA Haircut Agent has super-human typing speed. She's already more impressive than Maja and Alejandro. Her coworker is not as speedy, with the result that Nathan and Jennifer, who were behind Nicolas and Donald in line, still ace them out of the last pair of tickets. Ouch. Nicolas says that unless they manage to get standby seats on the first flight, they'll be stuck on a later flight to Amsterdam. The lead teams begin to board the 7:00 AM flight to Dublin. The lead teams being everyone except Marianna and Julia, whose route to the Shannon airport must have included a quick stop in Addis Ababa. They're upset to be the only team not to make the Dublin flight. Eh, from what we've heard, four teams aren't going to be able to make the first flight to Amsterdam, so they should be able to catch up.

The Dublin flight lands, and the teams who weren't able to get tickets scramble for the standby counter. Well, Nicolas/Donald and Ronald/Christina run. Kate and Pat still have all the time in the world. La la la! No hurry! Why not sit and read the paper? Nicolas and Donald run up to the standby counter and talk to the agent in one of those race panic modes, apparently not noticing that there's actually a regular passenger already there. The agent duhs that Nicolas will have to wait. Ronald and Christina are fast approaching, and have the presence of mind to talk to an open agent, so now it's just a matter of who can get on the list first (assuming there's limited room for standby passengers). Ronald interviews that he tries to be very polite to ticket agents and such. If only he held that attitude about, oh say...daughters. Spoiler!

Nicolas and Donald are being helped now, and the agent says it's going to be difficult to get on the flight. "We need to try," Nicolas says. Tense music. Nicolas and Donald get on the list, and Nicolas tries to ascertain if they're ahead or behind Ronald and Christina. He's still in that stressball mode, and says "Please move fast" to the agent, who smiles, all "Whatever, prick." Donald interviews that the ticket agent was none too pleased with how pushy Nicolas got, and they're asked to stand off to the side for a moment. Ronald and Christina overhear the agent say something about Nicolas being rude (though we, the audience never hear it). Ronald interviews that Nicolas "made us" look bad, so he just "lost it". I don't know if "us" means "racers" or "Americans". He comes over and picks a fight with Nicolas, starting with "you got a mouth that basically starts with bad energy". Christina tries to diffuse the situation by telling Nicolas what she heard the agent say, and Nicolas admits that he was "hasty". Christina gets a bit condescending when she says that service agents are more likely to help you if you're nice to them, which is true, but... Well, we'll get to the meat of the argument in a second.

"That's basically your whole problem," Ronald whines, as he accuses Nicolas of being the "bad cop" to Donald's "good cop". I don't know why Nicolas even feels he has to defend himself to these people, but he prepares to try, asking if he may speak. No, he may not. Heavens, you don't think that Ronald is interested in what actually happened, do you? No he "has his own version" and while he "may have some problems with interpretation, [boy, I'll say], the words that come through my ear is very clear, because I cleaned out all the wax yesterday [??]". Christina is again trying to get Ronald to back off, but he ignores her. Nicolas interviews that he tried to explain himself, but soon saw that there was nothing he could do but stand back and let Ronald make an ass of himself. I guess the best way to tackle this is a good, old-fashioned list.

1) Yes, being nice to servicepeople is very important. It certainly is in day-to-day life, but I feel like you have to make allowances for "race mode". That doesn't mean I think it's acceptable for teams to screech at their taxi drivers for not careening down rain-slicked roads or haranguing ticket agents for not allowing people to skip security checkpoints. I do, however, think it's more than acceptable to make sure the agent knows in no uncertain terms how much of a hurry you're in.

2) Of course, you can let people know you're in a hurry without being rude, but let's go back to the statement which caused all this uproar, which was simply "Please move fast". Not "Let's go, lady!" Not "Hurry up, ya Irish cow!" In fact, this may have been the most polite nagging I've ever seen on this race. Yes, Nicolas was being a bit pushy, but as far as outright rudeness, this doesn't even scratch the surface of what some teams have done in the past.

3) Ronald might have realized that if he'd actually heard the statement in question. Which he didn't. Or if he'd allowed Nicolas to say a single word in his own defense. Which he didn't. Nope, he just "has his own version", based entirely on hearsay, and I guess that's enough ammunition in Ronald's world to sling accusations and pick fights with almost total strangers.

4) Speaking of which, Nicolas and Donald's "whole problem"? Didn't you meet them, like, two days ago?

5) Plus, mind your own business.

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The teams that already have confirmed tickets board the flight to Amsterdam. One of the standby agents learns that only one additional team will be able to board, and that team will be... Nicolas and Donald. Suck it, Ronald. The flight takes off. Marianna and Julia arrive in Dublin, where they catch up with Kate/Pat and Ronald/Christina. Kate does a hilarious impression of their false cheer to see a struggling team make up time. The three teams board a later flight to Amsterdam, knowing that it will likely be one of them who is last to the mat, although there are at least two tasks ahead, and it's not inconceivable that disaster will befall one of the lead teams.

Amsterdam. The first flight lands at 12:15 PM. Azaria and Hendekea run like hell for the train. They know it's scheduled to leave in just a minute or two, so Hendekea suggests just getting on, and paying for their tickets while on-board. Genius. It pays off, as the train leaves while the rest of the teams are all busy buying tickets, putting them ten minutes behind. Go, science geeks! They reach the station, find the bridge, and grab the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! As we all know, Detours are a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. The choice in this Detour is between Hoist It or Hunt It. In Hoist It, teams walk just a few feet to an apartment building. One member ties ropes attached to a pulley to five large pieces of furniture (one by one), and hoists them up to a window, where the other team member will pull each piece in. In Hunt It, teams must walk several blocks to a parking lot, which is currently occupied by thousands of bicycles. The team must find the two with the colored sticker that matches their clue, then use those two bikes to ride five miles to a man that will hand them their next clue. Huh, interesting choice. I suck at knots, but if my race partner had any skill with them, I'd want to go for Hoist It. That other one just sounds so long and involved.

Azaria and Hendekea are similarly dismayed by knots (go, science geeks!), so they head for Hunt It. Lorena/Jason and Kynt/Vyxsin reach the cluebox, and both opt for Hoist It. Vyxsin volunteers to be the team member on the ground, because... Oh, let's just let her tell us. "I felt pretty comfortable doing the knots. Um... I used to macrame." Hahahaha! I have to say, I'm liking the Goths more and more, although I've seen no indication that they're really that Gothic. Or really that into each other. They're not so much dating Goths as "dating" "Goths". Jason is the knot artist for his team, and the nearby workers who have to inspect the rope system to make sure it's safe to hoist make him start over on his first piece. Vyxsin has no such trouble, and up goes the baby carriage. Azaria and Hendekea reach the parking structure, and are like "Wow, we thought they were exaggerating when they said 'thousands' of bikes." They were not exaggerating. They're stymied for a moment, but soon begin to hunt for the two bikes that have the tri-color purple-green-purple pattern. Jason hoists his first item (a television set). Vyxsin's next item isn't safe enough to hoist, and she has to restart it.

Shana and Jennifer reach the clue, and opt for Hoist It. Interchangeable Blond #1 says that her arm muscles are one of the stronger parts of her body. I guess her bionic tits top the list. Vyxsin keeps working. TK/Rachel and Nathan/Jennifer reach the clue, and both choose Hoist It. I guess there are enough pulleys set up to accommodate everyone at the same time. Nicolas and Donald reach the clue, and head for Hunt It. Nathan hoists his first item. TK has no idea what he's doing with the ropes, and Rachel calls down advice. Jason hoists his fourth item, then his fifth. Lorena interviews how proud she was of them for working so well together on the Detour. Sure, if by "together", she means "he did a good job, and I didn't get in the way". One of the nearby workers hands them their next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now travel by bus from... Buikslotermeerplein. Jesus Christ, Amsterdam. Anyhoo, teams must now travel by bus from Blahblahblahblah to the rural village of Ransdorp. Once there, they'll search a marked field for the next clue. Vyxsin ties. Azaria finds the first bike. Nicolas and Donald arrive at the bikes. Their clue is tri-color green-yellow-green, and doesn't match the first bike they hold it up to. That bike is purple-green-purple. Sound familiar? Yep, Nicolas and Donald have inadvertently found the very bike Azaria and Hendekea are still searching for. Hehehe.

Interchangeable Blond #1 hoists her first item. Vyxsin's finally done with her second, though it takes considerable strength to get it up to the window. Lorena and Jason miss the bus to Ransdorp by seconds. Doh! Nathan and Jennifer are done with their fourth item, as are Kynt and Vyxsin. Vyxsin's out of strength by this point, so she and Kynt trade places. Jennifer yells unhelpful advice down to Nathan, who shouts that he has no idea what she's saying. She snits that as a guy, he should know how to do these physical things. Sure, all guys are born knowing how to tie knots. The only reason I wasn't is because I'm gay, and thus, defective. Shut the fuck up, Jennifer. TK still hasn't managed to tie a single successful knot. I guess he's not a real man, either. He begins to realize that this is not something he's going to figure out in a hurry, and the fact that it's begun to rain probably doesn't help. Kynt hoists the final item, a really big grandfather clock that must weigh quite a bit. The other teams watch jealously as they rush off to catch their bus.

Nicolas and Donald find their first bike. Hendekea finds their second, so she and Azaria pedal their asses out of there. Nathan still cannot figure out the knots, so he and Jennifer decide to switch places. Now, I won't pretend to be the Interchangeable Blonds' (IB from now on) biggest fan, but even I have to say that I'm mightily impressed with how fast they crank through this task. IB#1 hoists that enormous grandfather clock, which means they've finished the task before TK and Rachel (who arrived at Hoist It before them) have gotten a single item up. Wowsers. They head for the bus in third place. Kynt and Vyxsin have gone back to the train station information counter, and learn that they need the #30 bus. Nathan and Jennifer finish Hoist It. The IBs catch up to Lorena and Jason at the bus stop, and they're soon joined by Nathan and Jennifer. Nathan frets over where Kynt and Vyxsin are. IB#2 is too busy applying lip gloss to care. The bus arrives, but by the time Kynt and Vyxsin have figured out where to go, it has taken off. Crud.

Nicolas and Donald find their second bike, and crab at each other as they get going. Azaria and Hendekea finish their ride, which happens to end right where they need to be to catch the bus to Ransdorp. Well, that would have been helpful to know when deciding between Detours. TK is still struggling with the knots, as Rachel calls down more advice. She seems to know what she's talking about, so why they haven't switched places is beyond me. Maybe they think she's too bitty to hoist things like that giant clock. Hey, remember the later flight? It's just now arriving at 1:55 PM. The three lagging teams catch the train. TK and Rachel keep on struggling.

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TK and Rachel finally decide to switch places. The train carrying Kate/Pat, Ronald/Christina, and Marianna/Julia is almost to the station. Rachel gets the knack of the knots fairly quickly, although I can't tell if the eyebrow-raise the nearby clue-wrangler gives her is "Wow, good job" or "Please don't break that television set". By the time the second train arrives at the station, Rachel's pretty much finished hoisting. Good job, granola queen! They get their Ransdorp clue. Speaking of which, the first bus is just arriving there. The lead teams grab the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Roadblock! Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member must participate in a task once used by Dutch farmers to travel between fields, but is now a local sport. Ditch vaulting. It's basically a miniature pole vault, in which you take a running start, plant your pole in the muddy ditch, and catapult yourself across. Phil says that both of the Roadblocker's feet must land in the grass on the other side. In other words, if you fall, you've got to try again. Once they've landed, they may run to the nearby cluebox, get the next clue, and come back over the muddy ditch any way they'd like. Ooh, I'd take this one. It looks fun. The Roadblock hint reads "Which of you is the acrobat?". Jennifer takes it. IB#1. Jason.

Jason flies across and lands successfully on his first try. He runs, gets the clue, runs back, and vaults himself across again, dragging his feet in the muddy water a bit. The IBs witness this, and conclude that the task is easy. Jason and Lorena open the clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now choose a nearby Dutch cargo bike (a bicycle with a wheelbarrow-like attachment on the front) and ride it to the next pitstop, the Durgerdam Yacht Club. Last team to check in is outta here! Because Jason did all the furniture hoisting and the Roadblock, it's only fair that he has to do all the cycling too, right? Lorena happily perches in the wheelbarrow. Back at the Roadblock, Jennifer makes her first attempt. While in the air, her body spins around, and she lands smack on her back right into the mud. Ouch! The clue-wrangler adds insult to injury by declaring her attempt "no good". Heh. She has to have someone come pull her out of the mud so she can try again. IB#1 dithers.

Nicolas and Donald finish their bike ride, meeting up with Kynt/Vyxsin, Azaria/Hendekea, and TK/Rachel on the bus to Ransdorp. The lagging teams have reached the Detour. As clue-wranglers explain Hoist It to Ronald and Christina, Kate and Pat ditch for Hunt It. Ronald says he's confused by the knots, but Christina says she can handle it. "Well, it's up to you," Ronald says. "Make a decision." Back at the Roadblock, IB#1 starts to run and vault. IB#2 shouts "Not fast enough!" which is equal parts annoying, unhelpful, and incorrect. IB#1 makes it across, only getting a bit of mud on her feet. And now, the best clue-wrangler in the history of the show, a very...um...butch woman, barks at IB#1: "GOOD JOB! GET TO CLUE!" Hehehe. Nathan thinks it would be helpful to point out to Jennifer that IB#1 managed to make it. Jennifer snaps at him not to do that. Nathan misses a golden opportunity to say "You're a woman! You're supposed to be good at this acrobatic stuff!"

Either Christina was wrong about understanding the knots, or Ronald just doesn't believe she can handle it, as he carps that they're wasting time. Rather than pick a fight, Christina agrees to head for Hunt It, but Ronald doesn't know which way to go, and peppers her with questions about where the bikes are. Marianna and Julia have arrived at Hunt It, and find their first bike. As Ronald and Christina walk to Hunt It, Ronald complains about how they're going to have to search oceans of bikes for the right ones. So according to him, both tasks suck. They should just do the third task. You know, the invisible one. Christina, beginning to lose patience, says that she's confident they can find the right bicycles, and Ronald needs to have confidence, too. IB#1, having gotten her pitstop clue, attempts to vault back across the ditch, but the pole leans sideways, spilling her headlong into the mud. Snap! A clue-wrangler hauls her out. To her credit, she doesn't cry or moan, but smiles widely through her new mud mask, looking for all the world like she's put on blackface. IB#2 tells her what a good sport she is, and volunteers to ride the bike to the pitstop. I may come around on these two. Jennifer narrowly makes a vault to the other side of the ditch, and is allowed to run and get the clue. She splats into the mud again on her way back. They leave for the pitstop in third place.

Lorena and Jason ride down the street, and see the turnoff they need to take to get to the yacht club. The IBs and Nathan/Jennifer are also riding. Jennifer, being the very essence of a gracious lady, hocks a loogie onto the road while snapping that the "frickin' little bitch" (referring to IB#1) got through the task ahead of her. So dainty, that Jennifer. She must have gone to finishing school. Lorena and Jason approach the pitstop. They drop off their bike, and run up to the mat. The greeters are two adorable little Dutch children. Welcome, Jason, you are team number one. And I guess you're allowed to check Lorena in with you. They interview that this successful leg is a "stepping-stone" in their relationship. What'ere. They win a pair of all-terrain bikes. Zzzz. I'd rather get a trip somewhere. What are they going to do with all-terrain bikes in Los Angeles?

Marianna and Julia find their second bike. I have no idea how they managed to finish before the other lagging teams even show up. They take off, and Kate and Pat arrive to start looking for their bikes. Ronald and Christina soon join them there. Nathan and Jennifer spazzily drop off their cargo bike, and check in as team number two. Feh. The IBs are right behind them, and check in as team three. Semi-feh. I'm predisposed to dislike them, but they're starting to grow on me a little. Ronald and Christina find their first bike. Kate and Pat stroll along the rows of bikes slowly. La la la! Why not take a break and go grab a cup of coffee? Marianna and Julia drop off their bikes and get their Ransdorp clue. Ronald yells at Christina that he told her it was going to be an ocean of bikes. She, a lot calmer under the circumstances than I would be, responds that the only way they're going to do well at this task is if they stay positive.

Kate finds the first of their bikes. Ronald is still harping on Christina, yelling about who's looking on the left row of bikes, and who's looking on the right, which is fair thing to discuss, but... Well, remember Lorena's whine about directions last week? Yeah. You could have the best argument in the world, but if the only way you can find to express it is through tantrums or aggression, you're not communicating well. Pat sheepishly laughs at Ronald's frustration. Marianna and Julia wait for the bus, not knowing if they're ahead or behind the other lagging teams. Ronald actually finds a way to yell at Christina, even as he finds their second bike. How he managed a statement that is basically "We've finished the task! You suck!" is a mystery. Kate and Pat continue to methodically check for their second bike. Ronald and Christina get directions. Now he manages to find a way to yell at her for...knowing where they're going. He says he's not going to lie to her and give her the impression that things are great when they're not. He uses the phrase "boogers in your bowl", which...ew.

I was confused about why he's so steamed, but now I think it's because he didn't like the Detour choice (not that he liked the other one, either), and doesn't want to be sunny about a job well done, because he thinks they didn't get the bikes quickly enough. Of course, the fact that they've FOUND THE FUCKING BIKES should render all this moot, but I guess that would take all the fun out of bitching at your daughter, right? Christina is out of polite ways to tell him to shut the fuck up, and tells him she's not getting on her bike until he stops shouting. Well said. Not that it stops him, but I like her backbone.

The second bus arrives at Ransdorp. Rrrrrrrip! Hendekea takes the Roadblock, as do Rachel and Kynt, though he's not thrilled about it, admitting in interview that he's kind of prissy. Heh. Nicolas and Donald decide to watch the other teams make an attempt before choosing who's going to take the task. Hendekea tries to vault, and splats right into the mud. Nicolas' sympathetic "OW!" face is priceless. Azaria is not as sympathetic, snapping at Hendekea to get up and try again. Rachel goes flying, and makes it across on her first try. Kynt splats. Donald thinks he'll have no problem, and he takes the Roadblock. Nicolas doesn't disagree, though he mutters that this may be a costly decision. Kate and Pat find their second bike, as Ronald and Christina drop theirs off. They catch up at the bus stop with Marianna and Julia, who pray that Kate and Pat won't also catch up.

LabRat: "Yes, pray to God that the ministers won't catch up."

Now that they're not cycling, Ronald decides there couldn't be a better time to restart the argument about how much Christina sucks at everything, and how her indecisiveness has cost them time. He'd be an asshole even if he were right, but he's not. They're not behind because Christina couldn't make up her mind or performed poorly at the Detour. She said she could handle the knots, and he didn't believe her. She said they'd find the bikes by staying calm and positive, which is exactly what happened. They're behind because they didn't outrun Donald and Nicolas to the standby counter, and because Ronald dithered over which Detour they should do, passive-aggressively forcing Christina to make the actual choice so that he wouldn't have to take any responsibility for anything going wrong. Handy. The worst moment is when he says she's "disappointed" him, which is completely unacceptable. Fuckwad.

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The last bit of Ronald's tirade is replayed. Marianna and Julia watch uncomfortably. Christina tells Ronald that he's being way too hard on her, and that he's got to back off. He gives her a half-hearted hug, and says it's not too easy to change who he is. Ah, the "Accept me for the stupid asshole that I am!" argument. Always a classic. Christina is more diplomatic than that, saying that in the race, you have to make improvements overnight. Seriously. And she's not even asking him to change as a person. She's asking him to keep a lid on the constant stream of unhelpful criticisms. Kate and Pat drop off their bikes, and calmly watch from across the street as Marianna/Julia and Ronald/Christina board the bus to Ransdorp. They could not be in less of a hurry as they begin to walk towards it, and it takes off without them.

Rachel has made it back across the ditch, but before she and TK can take off for the pitstop, Kynt makes a wild flail that actually succeeds in propelling him across the ditch. He runs for the clue, and TK/Rachel make a hasty exit. Donald makes his first attempt. Splat! The Goths leave for the pitstop. Kate and Pat are now so far behind that bus service to Ransdorp has stopped, and they have to bring in a hired minibus to take them there. They shrug that they agreed ahead of time not to point fingers at each other, and would make decisions together, such as the decision to treat the race like a leisurely sightseeing tour. They may have left that last part off. Hendekea makes it across the ditch. TK and Rachel pedal along, TK cheerfully telling Rachel that she smells like poop. She cheerfully agrees. Heh. The Goths are catching up. Azaria and Hendekea leave for the pitstop. Vyxsin has been pedaling too hard, I guess, and she makes Kynt switch places with her. Meanwhile, Donald has decided that the trick to making it across the ditch is to shed all that muddy clothing. Cue the burlesque music, because our Sunday night entertainment now includes Grandpa in his undies.

TK and Rachel cycle right by the drop-off point, though Phil and the Dutch children are clearly visible from the road. Kynt and Vyxsin spot it, though, and the Goths run up to the mat to check in as team number four. They go to give each other a high five, but completely miss, and Kynt hits Vyxsin in the face. Hahahaha! TK and Rachel must have turned around and missed the pitstop again, because they meet Azaria and Hendekea coming the other way. Azaria tells them to just follow along, which is not a bad idea at this point, unless someone wants to construct a giant neon arrow pointing to Phil. Stripper Donald splats in the mud again. And again. Azaria/Hendekea and TK/Rachel approach the mat together, becoming teams five and six, respectively. They're like "Eh, okay."

The third bus arrives at Ransdorp, so Nicolas is getting a bit anxious. Marianna/Julia and Ronald/Christina dash for the clue. I still can't tell Marianna and Julia apart. Christina takes the Roadblock. Nicolas tells Donald to keep his legs up as he vaults, which actually helps get Donald across successfully. He gets the clue, and the two of them head for the pitstop. Whichever sister takes the Roadblock (Marianna, I think, but don't quote me on that) says that she's had plenty of experience with pole vaulting. It shows, as she easily makes it across the ditch on her first attempt. Christina almost makes it, but doesn't quite. Splat! Marianna and Julia leave for the pitstop without a speck of mud on them. Kate and Pat ride their Minibus of Doom. Nicolas and Donald ride right past the drop-off point, so Marianna and Julia make it to the mat as team number seven. Nicolas and Donald right themselves, and soon check in as team number eight. Donald kids Phil about doing the Roadblock naked.

Ronald, haven't sufficiently been enough of a jackass this week, begins to lecture Christina about vaulting the ditch, completely destroying her focus and interrupting her attempt. He just keeps talking and talking and talking and talking and talking, until Christina tells him that she needs to concentrate. This is Ronald, though, and the polite version of "Please shut the fuck up" doesn't penetrate his skull, so she has to repeat herself. And guess what happens when he buttons his fat yap for two seconds? She makes it. Ronald treats this success, as he's treated every one this week, as something he could have done better. Shut up, fuck-knuckle. As they leave for the pistop, Christina asks how the cargo bike feels for him, and he "kids" that she needs to lose some weight, then trips over the wheel and knocks over the whole contraption, spilling his daughter onto the pavement. I just... I don't have any more energy to devote to this horrible man. They reach the pitstop as team number nine, and they should thank their lucky stars Kate and Pat never roused themselves to more than a gentle jog. Ronald hugs Christina happily, because everything's great now. Christina is extremely magnanimous, as she says that they don't "know each other's work styles" yet, but that they're working through it. Ronald gives us the titular quote, which makes about as much sense as anything else he's said tonight. Christina says one should treat their family like "gold", and Ronald looks like he may actually get it. I won't hold my breath.

Kate and Pat are still at the Roadblock. Kate vaults across, not really making it, but the awesome clue-wrangler lets her off. "GOOD JOB! GET TO CLUE!" Pat interviews that the race has shown them that they can still have a lot of fun together. Kate comes back across the ditch, and I appreciate that they didn't edit out the shot of them sharing a nice, long smooch. We don't even watch them cycle their cargo bike, and cut straight to them jumping onto the mat. The Dutch children happily greet them, and Phil tells them that they are eliminated. They say that they wish they could have lasted longer, and had the chance to show people more of who they are and what they can do. They reaffirm that they belong together, and that they balance each other really well. Aw. They seem like delightful people, but I wish that they'd have put a bit more effort into the actual race.

Next week on The Amazing Race: More uncooperative animals! Yay! Christina loses more patience with Ronald. The meltdown Lorena was obviously destined to have since Minute One finally comes to fruition.

Overall Grade: B-