Amazing Race 13 - Meet the Teams

Previously on The Amazing Race: A run of crappy seasons threatened to kill my loyalty towards my favorite reality show (I can actually admit I watch this, while the admission that I watch America's Next Top Model must be made sotto voce and with shifty eyes). A sudden upswing in the fantastic twelfth season renewed my faith, but also set me up for inevitable disappointment in the teams cast for the upcoming thirteenth season (premieres Sunday, September 28, 7PM Central). I love to pre-judge, even though I always wind up being wrong in regards to about half of the teams. Let's really hope I am in this case, because after watching the intro video, one thing leaps out. We've got the potential to have a big pile of douchebags on our hands. Time to ferret out the wastes of perfectly good oxygen! Join me, won't you?

Terence and Sarah: She's cute as a button, but his faux-hawk is ill-advised. I know I've whined about faux-hawks before, but the thing is, Richard and Jennifer were both able to pull theirs off pretty well. Terence's just makes him look dippy. Their web bio doesn't make them look too bad, even if it relies heavily on TAR cliches like "prove to themselves whether they belong together". The tease about "dietary restrictions" is intriguing, too. That said, the intro video does not flatter them. New York is a wonderful place, no doubt, but few things irritate me more than New York Snobbery. The biggest symptom of this obnoxious malady is the assumption that commonplace feelings and events only take place in the Big Apple. Sarah says that being from New York is a "strategic advantage", because they're used to having to live their lives on the run. Oh, they've got busy lives and need to be places on time? Only in New York! See what I mean with that?

Douchebag Alert Level: Moderate

Marisa and Brooke: "What would The Amazing Race be without a team of blonds?" the announcer asks with amused wonder. Rhetorical as the question is, I have several answers: Interesting. Competitive. Smarter. Better. I don't understand this show's fascination with the Dumb, Cannon-Fodder Blond Woman archetype. KanDustin was a remarkable exception that proves the rule: The Amazing Race blond teams, despite their traditional protestations that they're more than plasticized faces with an affinity for pink, are bad racers with inflated senses of self-worth. That may have been a fun dynamic to watch once or twice, but not in every freaking season. These two certainly aren't angling to shed that image. Right there in the web bio is the idiotic assertion that always appears with these teams: "And if they have to do a little flirting along the way, they're not opposed to that, either". Right, because the flirting strategy worked out so well for Heather and Eve. And Megan and Heidi. And Danielle and Dani. And the IBs.

Douchebag Alert Level: Moderate to Extreme

Andrew and Dan: Frat brothers. They seem to be less toolish than your typical TV frat guys, so they've got that going for them. Aside from clearly being too invested in Judd Apatow movies and having goofy majors like "Tourism Management", there's not really much to say about them. This will have to be a wait-and-see team.

Douchebag Alert Level: Mild

Aja and Ty: As mentioned with Terence and Sarah, Amazing Race bios are nothing if not consistent in their use of cliche. We've covered the "use the race to test our relationship" and "flirting with strangers will somehow allow me to scale an ice wall" ones, and now we come to "I'm competitive, which is code for 'I throw an infantile hissyfit the moment things don't go my way'". Of course, Aja and Ty are the only black team in an embarrassingly white-bread season, they seem to mistake "competitive" for "win everything", and they appear at the outset to have nothing in common except for exercise. Sound familiar? I expressed similar disgust with Ray and Yolanda, who turned out to be lovely people and damn fine racers. Let's hope these two will also break free of their unflattering bio.

Douchebag Alert Level: Mild to Moderate

Mark and Bill: Geeks are king right now, and The Amazing Race knows when to jump on a good bandwagon. These two are friends who are into science-fiction and gaming, so you know one of them's got to be a Level 70 Druid based in Darnassus. Uh... I mean... I don't know anything about gaming! That stuff's for dorks! OK, fine. I'll admit I have a slight bias towards these two, as they seem perfectly nice, and I also have a pinch of geek in my patchwork personality. It'll be interesting to see how people with such cerebral interests will fare in such a physical contest.

Douchebag Alert Level: Non-Existent

Toni and Dallas: One of the things that made Season 12 so compelling was the number of family teams, which I generally find a lot more interesting than the endless parade of dysfunctional couples. Unfortunately, there are only two family teams this time, and only one of them appears to want to run a race, rather than to get their mugs on television. And here they are! What's funny about these two is that I know a single mom named Toni and I know a tall, wry guy named Dallas. They've never crossed paths, but it's fun to think about them in the same room. Anyhoo, this Toni and this Dallas appear to have a functional family relationship, which is nice to see, as parent/child teams are often fraught with so much psychological baggage, there's no room for the literal baggage. She says she'll fight the natural tendency to boss her kid around, and he's worried she'll embarrass him on multiple continents. Sounds logical.

Douchebag Alert Level: Non-Existent

Nick and Starr: Here's the other family team, and these siblings are thrilled to be on television. Yay! Millions of people will see their photogenic, smiling faces! Oh, and apparently, they'll be running the race as well. Who could have ever imagined that someone named Starr Spangler would like attention? All of this is pure speculation on my part, of course, and they could turn out to be skillful, intelligent racers. They just have that look of being more interested in the camera than the experience. One part of their bio that really chaps my hide isn't their fault. "Nick performs on the New York stage in an Off-Broadway musical called The Fantasticks, while Starr was a cheerleader for the Dallas Cowboys for the past three seasons." So, a record-holding show that has run for 48 years needs the qualifier "an Off-Broadway musical called...", but the phrase "a football team called..." is nowhere in sight, for obvious reasons. Damn breeders.

Douchebag Alert Level: Mild

Anita and Arthur: Wowsers. There's not much to say about these two that looking at their photo wouldn't explain. What can I add? Frankly, they look like they'd be a blast to hang out with. Older teams don't have the greatest track record, so I suppose we'll just have to enjoy them while they last.

Douchebag Alert Level: Non-Existent

Kelly and Christy: I would love to see an all-female team win the race. I really would. And I believe that the producers would like to see it as well. Why, then, are teams of such obvious ineptitude constantly foisted upon us? It can't be that difficult to find a smart, able all-female team. Cut it out with the cheerleader/pharmaceutical reps already. In their intro video, all they can find to talk about is their makeup. Literally. Not a word is spoken that is unrelated to cosmetics. These two are practically clones of Kellie and Jamie. Remember them? Me neither.

Douchebag Alert Level: Extreme

Ken and Tina: It's hard to pick the most annoying thing about these asses. The Bickering Couple archetype is never fun, and these two have all the classic signs. They're married but separated, just as many people on this show with severe personality flaws have been. He's cheated on her, but they have no trouble identifying themselves as strong Christians (and ten will get you twenty that they're the Weaver kind of Christian -- not the Golden Rule kind). So she's a nagging shrew and he's an aggressive tool. Let's hope they can work their marriage out. We don't need people like this in the dating pool. Oh, and if Tina's quote that they'll be "touching lives" across the world doesn't make you giggle nastily, you're a better person than I.

Douchebag Alert Level: Extreme

Anthony and Stephanie: If one tiresome, fighting couple isn't enough, have another one! They broke up for a year, but if they make it through the race, Anthony says he'll propose to Stephanie. What a terrific relationship benchmark. In the intro video, they try to pawn off their fighting on their ethnicity, which I didn't accept from Sam, and I won't accept now. At least Ken and Tina are obnoxious and slightly interesting. These two are just plain obnoxious.

Douchebag Alert Level: Extreme