I Don't Kiss, I Make Out!

The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 3

Previously on The Amazing Race: Nine teams made their way from Lancaster, Pennsylvania to Washington, D.C. Several teams wound up at the wrong reflecting pool, because reading the clue is, like, hard and stuff. Afterwards, they took part in a "covert" Roadblock that Harriet the Spy would have dismissed as too juvenile. Nobody "EVAH EVAH EVAH" listens to Mama Paolo! If she'd like to know why, I'd point out that harridan and harpy are really close to each other in the dictionary. It wouldn't take long for her to look up both. Several teams appeared to struggle at the Civil War themed Detour, but they could have been at it all day and night without it making a whit of difference, since the Rogers family got lost over and over again, then got eliminated. Way to rule that family, Denny! Eight teams remain. Which team's elimination will cause me to question my faith in God tonight?

Credits. That advancing pastel wall of Weavers is horrifying. No wonder they're holding those horses so tightly. The poor things are probably trying to bolt. Commercials. I'm not sure how someone knowing I like plantains would lead to my identity being stolen. You wanna pass the ganja, AOL?

Middleburg, Virginia. Apparently, the twelve hour pit stop rule is in effect this week, as the Weavers leave at 2:26 AM. The clue tells them to fly to Charleston, South Carolina, and drive themselves to the Battery. A gazebo there will have their next clue. Hah! Last week, I said that the Weavers needed more Carmen Sandiego in their lives, and the Battery is exactly where Where in the USA is Carmen Sandiego sends you when you go to South Carolina. Rebecca interviews that they don't want any "drama" on the race. Welcome to Reality Show Foreshadowing 101. The Linzes are leaving at 2:27 AM. Megan says that sometimes her brothers don't listen to her because she's the lone girl in a group of macho guys. I'd say they're not so much macho as emotionally retarded. I can see how she'd get those confused, though. The Pink Ladies are off at 2:29 AM. Sharon interviews that the family doesn't really have a leader, because she doesn't want to say the truth, which is that she is the leader. The other ladies babble amongst themselves as Sharon tries to direct their driver to the airport they need to go to. I like Sharon. The Shroeders leave at 2:35 AM. Char is happy that the kids don't think of her as a stepmom in that "negative connotation". My, they're laying the foreshadowing on thick this week. Also, do people still automatically assign stepmothers a negative connotation? Isn't the Cinderella age behind us now? My stepmother is great. We hear the most out of Hunter yet as he says he's not very familiar with Charleston. Char tells him they need to focus and he rolls his eyes and gives a massive (though silent) "whatever". Heh.

Matt Aiello does a happy little jig on the mat as they leave at 2:37 AM. He is so adorable. They read off that they need to go to Chaaaaalston. OK, he's adorable, but those Boston accents are not. Ugh. The Bransens' departure time is 2:38 AM. These times are really close together. I thought that traffic jam last week slowed some teams down. Guess not. Walter is still wearing that "Late Night with David Letterman" shirt. He's been wearing that thing for, like, three days now. Ew. The Gaghans leave at 2:43 AM with a little pep talk from Billy. Tammy interviews that they're trying to raise the children like little adults instead of kids that are going to hold them back. I can certainly get behind that. Kids aren't dumb; I never patronize them. I'll be treating my impending nephew as a social equal when he's about three weeks old. Bill interviews that his kids are great, and he's really proud of them. Aw. Blood Ray makes throaty growls at my side. Down, boy.

The Weavers and Linzes are stuck behind some oversized trucks on the highway. Meanwhile, the Bransens borrow a cell phone from their driver and call ahead to the airport to check on flights. The Gaghans do the same thing. They both find the same US Air flight, which arrives in Charleston at 10:06 AM. The Paolos are now leaving at 3:05 AM. I'm anxious to get away from them, but the next team we see is the Weavers, so my situation hasn't much improved. It hasn't improved for them either, as they realize they have missed their exit. They decide to ask their driver to stop on the highway, and back up so they can get to the exit. Normally, I'd blast them for doing something so stupid (and do they really want to do something so dangerous, given the way the father died?), but it wasn't their fault they missed the exit, there's hardly any traffic around, since it's the middle of the night, and I'd probably break some traffic laws too if I were in a race for a million dollars. That's pretty much the last time you'll hear me defend the Weavers tonight. Hope you enjoyed it, Weaver fans. All zero of you.

The Linzes and Weavers arrive at the Washington-Dulles airport. They find a flight at Independence Air that gets them into Charleston at 10:04 AM, two minutes earlier than the flight the Bransens and Gaghans know about. Eh, I wouldn't really worry about a two minute difference. More teams arrive at the airport. Walter gives the Aiello family the tip that he's found the first flight, which he hasn't, but again: two minutes. To their credit, the Aiellos note the earlier flight at Independence Air, and pass the word along to the Bransens. The Pink Ladies have already arrived and gotten these tickets. As the Aiellos buy tickets from one agent, the Shroeders buy them from another, and that sells out the Independence flight, so the Bransens won't be able to get on. They scuttle off to US Air to get the other flight. The Gaghans arrive and get the same tickets, and now that one is sold out as well.

And now, the comment we had to rewind to watch about three times, because we couldn't believe someone would actually utter it. Linda Weaver: "We've got time just to come and familiarize ourselves with the airport, and find out...anything." You see, the Weavers don't know how air travel works. Seriously, they don't. They're asking airline agents for information. Not specific information; just stuff like how airports work. Can I ask why they applied to be on this show? Did they not think air travel was going to enter into the picture at some point? Stassi watches them suspiciously, sure that they're up to something sneaky. I guess she doesn't know that they're too dumb for mischief. The Aiellos also think they're up to something, and David asks them if they found a better flight. They ignore him, and he's completely pissed off. I mean, the Weavers don't really have an obligation to help their direct competition, but it seems that David's more mad because they wouldn't even acknowledge his presence, not even with a "can't help you, sorry." That, I understand. The only comfort I can give him is that he wouldn't want to associate with the Weavers, anyway. Well, I could offer another kind of comfort, but Blood Ray would kill me. The Paolos finally arrive and get a flight on United that puts them in Charleston at 10:38 AM. It's always nice to see them behind.

As the teams wait for their flights, Rolly and Hunter bond the way pre-teen boys bond: by punching each other in the leg. Char is not thrilled to see this, because she's sure Hunter is passing vital information to the Weavers such as... Such as... Anyway, she pulls Hunter aside and in her own words, tells him to shut his piehole. The minute her back is turned, Hunter tells Rolly she's a bitch. So much for them not sticking you in the "evil stepmother" pigeon-hole, there, Char. The first two flights take off. The Paolos are being typically Paolish. I refuse to pay attention to them. Their flight takes off too, and unfortunately is not diverted to the center of a black hole.

Commercials. I know we're supposed to find that commercial where the guy flies his wife's whole family to Italy and re-proposes to her romantic, but I really want to punch all of them in the mouth.

Charleston, South Carolina. The first flight lands, and everyone picks a car to go to the Battery. The Linzes call the Weavers "team fruit loop", which is an insult to an awesome cereal. Also, show? It's Froot Loop. Get it right. Although it does warm my heart to see team after team express disgust with the Weavers. Flight #2 also lands. The Shroeders are first to the gazebo. The clue is this week's Detour: Forrest Gump or Muddy Waters. Wow, this is some truly stupid Detour-naming. If and when the race gets to St. Louis, do not name one of the choices after an overrated sappy movie, please. In Forrest Gump, teams go seven miles, get onto a boat, and de-head two hundred pounds of shrimp. In Muddy Waters, teams go 37 miles, get into a 4x4, and drive through a mud bog. My initial instinct would be to go for the shrimp, not only because I would hate any and all driving tasks, but because it sounds genuinely faster. Other teams have also reached the clue. The Shroeders and Linzes head for the shrimp, while the Weavers go for the mud bog. Flight #3 lands. The Pink Ladies find the gazebo and choose shrimp, while the Aiellos head for the mud bog. I love typing the phrase "mud bog".

The Shroeders reach the boat and get a quick lesson in de-heading shrimp. Char calls the lady on the boat "ma'am", so it's good to see she's only a bitch to Hunter, and not to strangers. They get started. The Linzes have a little spat, but find the boats as well. The Pink Ladies are right behind, and what the hell? Christine is wearing rubber dish gloves. In their car. Um...why? Whatever. The Gaghans arrive at the gazebo in sixth (mud bog!), and the Bransens are close behind. They choose shrimp. The Weavers and Aiellos arrive at the mud bog. Mud bog! They both get stuck in the mud. Bog. Mud bog! The Bransens are already starting their shrimp. The Paolos are at the gazebo and choose shrimp. More problems for the families at the mud bog. Mud bog! Back at the boats, Stassi is yelling at Hunter for not de-heading the shrimp correctly. "Hunter, let me demonstrate what you are doing!" she bleats. "Let me demonstrate how to shut up," he replies. I kind of love Hunter. Everyone laughs. I go back and forth on the Shroeders. Sometimes, they're genuinely funny. If Mark talked a lot less, I'd probably like them a lot more. Tommy Linz gives one of his unlucky shrimp (in more ways than one) a French kiss. The Pink Ladies snip at each other. The Bransens are tearing through their shrimp. They're glad to have found something they're good at.

The Gaghans have arrived at the mud bog. Mud bog! After their sixth failure, the Weavers give up and head for the shrimp instead. The Shroeders have finished their shrimp. Their clue sends them to the Charleston Visitor Center to sign up for one of two buses that will take them to a "mystery destination"; one that leaves at 3:00 PM, and one that leaves at 5:00 PM. The Linzes, Pink Ladies, and Bransens are done with the shrimp, as the Paolos get started on theirs. Mud bog! The Gaghans make it through the run on their first attempt. Ouch. That's gotta be even more embarrassing for the Aiellos than when they got passed in the Amish buggy. Back at the Visitor Center, the Linzes, Shroeders, Pink Ladies, and Bransens get on the first bus. Wait, wait, wait. Assuming the two-minute flight difference didn't amount to much, everyone except the Paolos should have been on a fairly equal footing upon arrival in Charleston. The Gaghans got through the Detour on their first attempt, and are still stuck on the later bus. In other words, much like in the first episode, one of the Detour options has zero advantages. Any team that chose Muddy Waters is automatically hosed. This is complete crap.

Now that it doesn't matter in the least, let's check in with the Aiellos! They're still not through the course on their 13th attempt. Why is Kevin still driving? Shouldn't someone else give it a go after you fail five times or so? David bounces around in the passenger seat trying to will the car forward with his body and grunting. He's hot. Blood Ray: "I'd like an audio loop of David's voice during that scene."

Commercials. Once upon a time, my mother pointed out that every single Country Crock ad ends with that simpering woman's asinine giggle. Now I can't hear anything else.

Poor, ineffectual Kevin is finally ejected from the driver's seat, and big, strong David gets them through the course on the 14th attempt. Mud bog! That's nice and all, but we know they're stuck on the loser bus, so boo. The Gaghans are just now getting the bad news that they're on it too. The Paolos still need to shut the fuck up. Even worse, now that the Weavers are in last place, it doesn't make a difference. I hate this episode. The Paolos are at the Visitor Center before the Aiellos (who arrived in Charleston a half an hour earlier), so there's another clue that the shrimp was way too easy. I hate this episode. The Weavers finally catch up. On the loser bus, Bill Gaghan joyfully yells "We're all in last plaaaaace!" and everyone cheers. Heh.

Phil lets us in on the mystery destination: Huntsville, Alabama, which is eight hours away. Once there, the teams will find their next clue. Care to tell us where in Huntsville they're going, Phil? I guess not. Oh, here we go. The clue is at the bus station, and tells them to go to the U.S. Space and Rocket Center, five miles away. They have to find a specific hangar once they get there. Hope you like the order that the teams leave the bus station, because there is pretty much no way that anyone can get ahead or behind from here on out. I hate this episode. In the lead, the Bransen girl who's driving asks where she should go, and one of the others helpfully points out that she should probably head for that giant rocket with all the lights on it in the distance. She must be the smart one. They get to the hangar first, and it's the stupidest Roadblock ever. Two team members get into a centrifuge and are spun until the pressure hits 3.2 G. So basically their task is to...sit still. I hate this episode. The only good thing about this segment is that Phil demonstrates the centrifuge, and is typically unflappable. His voice hasn't changed a bit, even though he's being spun and crushed by pressure. You show 'em, Phil. Elizabeth and Lindsay (who I only identified because of the subtitles) take it on.

Blood Ray points out that we haven't yet seen any points where teams are equalized by hours of operation. That's a good point. On a normal season, there'd be no way something like this would be open in what appears to be the middle of the night. Strange. The Linzes arrive, and we get the first, but not the last, shot of Alex staring out the window with psycho bug eyes. Aaaaaaah! The Shroeders arrive third. The Bransens begin to spin as the Linzes wait their turn. Well, we knew it was only a matter of time before one of the Linzes did the stupid sideways visor thing that was cool for twenty seconds in 1998, then thankfully sputtered and died. Might as well get it out of the way now. I hate the sideways visor thing. I also hate this episode. The Pink Ladies get to the hangar. The Bransens get their clue, which tells them to make their way on foot to Rocket Park, find a computer within the museum, log onto a web service that I am not mentioning, and get their next clue from Phil. So, since the centrifuge takes X amount of minutes, it spaces the teams out to regular intervals, so it's worth another mention that barring someone being struck by lightning or something, nothing can be done to change the order of teams. So stupid. I hate this episode.

The Linzes (Alex and Tommy) spin. Zzzzzz. The Shroeders (Mark and Stassi) spin. Zzzzzz. The Bransens find their computer. Phil tells them to go to the space shuttle Pathfinder, this week's pit stop. They're off. The Linzes do the same. Stop showing us Alex's psycho eyes! It's edited to look close, but it's so not. The Bransens hit the mat in first. The greeter is an old astronaut-looking dude. They win free gasoline for life. OK, now that is an awesome prize. I think I'd rather have that than the $5000 each of the individual Pink Ladies won in the first leg. The Bransens are thrilled. The Linzes are nowhere to be seen during this, but soon check in as team #2.

Back on the loser bus (remember them?), the Weaver girls are...crying? The hell? Why? Because they're so stressed to be on a bus and not to have gotten any sleep or whatever. Well, I'd suggest that instead of whining and crying they, you know, GO TO SLEEP. Linda says that she feels like she's a prisoner on the bus. So they're being chauffeured to their next destination instead of having to navigate for themselves, and Linda's upset by this? I hate the Weavers so much. I hate this episode. They begin to freak out on the bus, and the other teams are like "Great. Not only are we behind, but we're stuck with these fucking twits." The teams stop off at Waffle House, and the Weavers decide to trick the other teams into thinking that they're not stressed at all, really they're very happy! They proceed to do the worst acting job since Claire Danes in...anything, dancing around the parking lot with huge grins. One of the Paolo sons interviews that the Weavers have snapped, and I'd agree, except that I think the Weavers snapped a long time ago.

Commercials. Eat at Jack in the Box. Because stalking someone is funny.

Bus of Crazy. The Weavers are singing loudly, while the other teams are trying to sleep. Everyone completely hates them. I never thought I'd feel sorry for the Paolos, but there it is. The Shroeders are on their way to Rocket Park, while the Pink Ladies (Michelle and Christine) spin. The loser bus arrives and everyone heads to the hangar. The Shroeders check in as team #3. The Pink Ladies are team #4. The Weavers are first of the loser bus teams to pull the clue. In the car, Bill tells Billy that at space camp, they simulate weightlessness. Billy gets a face like "that is the coolest thing I have ever heard," then declares that he wants to do whatever task it is. I've really warmed up to Billy. When the teams get there, everyone realizes that it's first come, first serve. The Paolos pull number 6, the Gaghans 7, and the Aiellos 8. I am in so much suspense as to who's going to lose this week, aren't you? The Weavers check in as team #5. Phil clearly hates their guts. Linda gives an interview that "this is us. If you like us, great. If you don't, well, we're not going to change for you." First of all, 99% of people who have to give the "I don't care if you don't like me" speech are assholes, and know they're assholes. Secondly, there's a difference between "I'm not going to change my overall personality to please you," and "I'm going to sing loudly while you're trying to sleep because that's just who I am! I gotta be me!" It's not that people don't like you just because you're you, Linda. They don't like you because you're rude, stupid, and kind of crazy.

I hate this episode. This is bullshit. Why even go over it to any amount of detail (except that Bill Gaghan looks especially good while they're waiting their turn at the centrifuge)? The teams spin in the order they pulled the ticket. The teams get to the computers in the order they pulled the ticket. The teams check in at the mat in the order they pulled the ticket. That means the Aiellos are last, and they're eliminated. Fuck. Tony is proud of his guys. David and Matt are still hot. I can't even watch this another time.

Next week on The Amazing Race: A task takes the teams to a racetrack, which causes the Weavers to freak out even more than usual. The Pink Ladies have a fight.

So let's see. We got a stupidly named, extremely poorly designed Detour. We got a boring Roadblock that spaced the teams out to the degree that all of their actions were meaningless, and we lost a loving, functional, good-looking family so that we can spend more time with the loud-ass Paolos and crazy-ass Weavers. Gotcha. And no, I didn't hear the phrase "I don't kiss, I make out!" during any of the multiple times I viewed several scenes, and I'm not going back in to find it.

I hate this episode.

Overall Grade: F