Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 7
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!
The sheriff arrives at the inn, which spurs talk amongst the wedding party about room searches and such. This freaks Malcolm out, because he still hasn't bothered to hide the ill-gotten money anyplace safer than under his bed. Shea and Madison sit in the dining room. Madison is a creepy brat some more. Shea looks like she's starting to catch the snap that her daughter's a psycho. Malcolm rushes upstairs to try and transfer the money from the satchel to his backpack, but he's interrupted by a knock at the door. Instead of asking who it is, he continues with his panic, and tosses the satchel of money out the window. He could have saved himself the trouble, because it's only Beth at the door, there to thank him for giving her a shoulder to blubber on.
MEANWHILE, Henry tries to talk to Trish. He says that while there's a charter boat coming later to take everyone back to Seattle, he can stay on the island until her dad's body is released. He also wants to know where their wedding stands now. Trish is too upset to offer any sort of opinion. Abby is met in the lobby by Jimmy, who's looking more like Milo Ventimiglia by the day. They both bemoan the fact that murder sprees always seem to get in the way of their budding romance. Yeah, poor you. We're catapulted into a flashback of seven years ago, when Harper's Island was some sort of sun-dappled paradise. Nikki and Abby giggle over the fact that Jimmy has invited Abby to go camping (the locals use camping as an excuse to bone each other). Abby figures if it ain't broke, don't fix it, and is all too willing to give it up. Jimmy overhears the last bit, and is all smiles. He and Abby make with the smooches.
MEANWHILE... Well, not meanwhile. Seven years later, the sheriff searches JD's room and finds some firecrackers. Henry comes in, and the sheriff snarks that Henry knew JD put the dead raccoon on the church altar, and didn't tell him. Wait, did Henry show the firecracker to the sheriff? I thought he hid it. Also, all the guests knew that JD had firecrackers. Why is it such a surprise now? ALSO, also, though the firecracker and the raccoon were found together, it doesn't automatically follow that JD is responsible for the animal carcass. We pass over all of that, and Henry just whines that he was trying to protect JD. Things get worse for the absent JD when the sheriff discovers the anti-depressant (or anti-psychotic) medication in the bathroom. Henry says that JD hasn't been taking his pills. Then the sheriff finds Uncle Marty's cell phone in JD's bag. That's enough evidence for him to assume for now that JD is the killer.
MEANWHILE, the inn staff takes down all the wedding decorations. Abby spots Henry trying to talk to a very unreceptive Trish. He comes over, and tells Abby about the cell phone, and that Trish must blame him for his brother being a psycho killer (in addition to being a depressive Froot Loop). He wanders off to convince the sheriff to let him come along on the search for JD. Abby takes a plate of food over to Trish, and they bond over their dead parents.
MEANWHILE, we get some interweaving scenes between sun-dappled-seven-years-ago, and now. Back then, Abby packs for her "camping" trip, which her Valerie Harperesque mother disapproves of, because she knows exactly what Abby's up to. In the present, Abby tells Trish that she was helped by going to talk to her mother's body before the funeral. Trish doesn't know if she can go through with that. In flashback, land, Valerie Harper extracts a promise from Abby that she'll be home by breakfast, and tacitly agrees to cover for her. Abby and Jimmy head off into the woods, chatting about the future, until a massive explosion from the docks rattles them.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff and Henry walk through the woods and talk about JD. Henry somewhat blames himself for the way that JD turned out, and we learn that Uncle Marty was JD's guardian after his and Henry's parents died. The two of them didn't get along well, as Uncle Marty was hardly the paternal type. The sheriff points out that plenty of people have had worse lives than JD and turned out fine.
MEANWHILE, Malcolm interrupts the gardener, who's trimming hedges with an electric chainsaw. This chainsaw was also seen earlier when Abby took the food to Trish. Why do I get the feeling we'll see it later, too? Malcolm snags the satchel from underneath his window, and dashes back to his room to transfer the money to a backpack. His bad luck continues, though, when Blond Tool and Danny barge in, Blond Tool demanding to know where Muffin is. Sure. You've seen two dead bodies in as many days, one of which was killed right before your eyes. You're hiding the fact that you've stolen thousands of dollars. One of your best friends has vanished. People are having their rooms searched by police. Naturally, the only thing you'd care about at a time like this is where your blow-up sex doll is. There's being a Tool, and there's just plain stupid. Assuming she's in the backpack, Blond Tool snags it and discovers the money. Malcolm swears he can explain.
MEANWHILE, Abby and Trish go to talk to Sinister Dad's body. The annoying coroner pulls Abby aside and needlessly reminds her that neither of them should look under the sheet. As Trish prepares to pour out her heart, we rejoin Abby and Jimmy in Flashback Land. They rush to the docks where Henry and the sheriff are attempting to administer first aid to Burnface McGee, who appears to be a deputy of some type. The sheriff sends Abby to report to her mother. In the present, Malcolm spills his guts. Not literally. Yet. He tells Danny and Blond Tool the whole story about Booth and the money. Danny socks him across the jaw. He announces that they have to tell the sheriff everything, and that there's no way they're leaving Booth in an unmarked grave on this island.
MEANWHILE, Henry tells the sheriff that back in the day, JD and some girl had a suicide pact. Henry came home in time to save JD, but not the girl. After that, he and Uncle Marty put JD into an institution, for which JD never forgave them. At the morgue, Trish finishes up, comes out to the lobby, and thanks Abby for taking an interest in her. She worries that her relationship with Henry will never be the same. Abby asks the coroner to take Trish back to the inn, because Abby needs to stop by her dad's place. The coroner doesn't think that's wise or safe, but Abby blows him off. In Flashback Land, Abby arrives home to find that the door has been forced, and her mother's coffee cup lies shattered on the ground. The sheriff calls in a panic, and orders her to lock all the doors and windows. In the present, Abby leaves the sheriff's house, where she's confronted by Burnface McGee. He tells her that JD is innocent, and that the sheriff is a liar who can't be trusted. He instructs her to ask her father about Wakefield's revenge against him.
MEANWHILE, in Flashback Land, Abby is ever the drama/danger queen, and disobeys her father to go wandering in the woods, looking for her mother. She witnesses Wakefield (I assume - we never see his face) murdering one of the locals with the head spade, and cries out. Wakefield comes after her, but is surprised by Jimmy in his truck. When Wakefield turns his attention to Jimmy, he roars off in the truck, and Abby uses the opportunity to escape. In the present, the police find JD, and after a brief chase, Henry tackles him on the docks. JD protests his innocence. After JD is locked up, Henry and the sheriff meet up with Abby, who confronts her father about what Burnface McGee said. The sheriff says that Wakefield wasn't after him, but Valerie Harper. Turns out that she and Wakefield dated when they were younger, and when Valerie Harper ran away, Wakefield tracked her for revenge. Oh, please don't tell me that Abby is going to turn out to be Wakefield's kid.
In Flashback Land, Abby pleads with her father not to be sent away. In his pain, he snaps that maybe Valerie Harper got what she deserved. In the present, he admits that when Wakefield first came after her, he sent his deputies, including Burnface McGee, to teach him a lesson. When Burnface McGee got hurt, the sheriff charged Wakefield with attempted murder, and put him away for a long time. Funny how that affects a man they already know is hell-bent on revenge. It made him even more so. The sheriff just thought it'd be easier to let Abby hate him than besmirch the memory of her mother.
MEANWHILE, Trish tells Shea that she's calling off the wedding for good, because she can't look at Henry without reliving Sinister Dad's death. Shea tries to tell her not to rush anything, but Trish has made up her mind. Madison is hanging around in some lobby somewhere. By herself, of course. Someone spots her through a window, and slips a note under the door. She reads it, and quickly exits. Malcolm goes down to the basement to throw the money into the incinerator. By himself, of course. Sigh. You wouldn't be able to pry me away from other people if I knew there was a murderer loose on the island. I'd be hanging out with the inn's employees all day. Malcolm has no such qualms, which is why it's ridiculously easy for the murderer to wait until the money is disposed of before disposing of Malcolm. He's chopped from behind, and in his screams and death throes, is only able to grasp the incinerator with his bloody hand, which can't feel great, either.
MEANWHILE, Abby goes to talk to Trish. She intimates that Trish shouldn't make any rash decisions about ending things with Henry, and hands Trish a picture of her and Henry when they were little kids. Trish softens. In Flashback Land, the sheriff puts Abby on the ferry to the mainland. Jimmy runs down to the dock yelling, but doesn't get there in time. In the present, Abby meets Jimmy at the dock, and apologizes for never contacting him during the seven years she was away. She also tells him that he saved her life that day in the woods with Wakefield, which he already knew. She leans in and kisses him, not caring that he's covered in fish guts.
MEANWHILE, Madison clutches the note she was given, and slowly walks to one of the inn's rooms. She calls for Richard as she enters the room, and the door is slammed behind her. I guess it's too much to ask that next week opens with the unfortunate news of her demise. I'm sorry! She gets on my nerves.
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: B-
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Into the Woods
Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 6
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH! IN FULL VIEW OF OTHER CHARACTERS!
Finally! Finally, the characters of Harper's Island can no longer wander around in blissful ignorance, planning scavenger hunts and going fishing. Everyone in the church freaks out over Sinister Dad being cleaved by the head spade, and with good reason. It's fairly gross. Hilariously, everyone is too busy with their own shock to worry about young Madison staring at her grandfather's bloody corpse until she starts emitting piercing screams. Richard takes his jacket off and puts it over Sinister Dad's face. The blood soon leaks through. The sheriff hears the commotion and busts into the church. Wait a minute. Two weeks ago -- that is to say, thirty seconds ago in the show's universe -- the sheriff was down by the water's edge, fishing out the reverend's body parts. I envy these characters' teleportation powers. He first rushes to Abby to make sure she's not hurt. Aw. Abby's in too much of a daze to explain what happened, but it's not too difficult to piece together. No pun intended. He asks the rest of the wedding party to step outside. Most are only too glad to get out of there, but Henry has to drag a hysterical Trish.
Katherine sits catatonic in a pew. The sheriff rouses her, and leads her outside, where everyone else continues to freak out. Who the hell is that old lady standing next to Abby? The sheriff asks a blood-spattered Maggie and Henry to get everyone back to the inn, and strongly recommends that everyone stick together; it's certainly not the time to be wandering off by themselves. Abby gets a call from an unknown caller, and when she answers, hears only "Ave Maria". It makes her more visibly upset than Sinister Dad's gruesome death. Madison spots JD hiding behind a nearby tree. He puts his finger to his lips, and she nods, content to keep his presence a secret.
Back at the inn, the groomsmen and Beth are having some stiff drinks, and discussing the situation with all the sensitivity and intelligence you'd expect. That is to say, not much. They agree that the wedding will have to be postponed (ya think?), and Blond Tool wants to leave the island immediately, because when a murder has been committed, the witnesses are free to take off whenever they'd like. MEANWHILE, the sheriff and deputy are processing the scene at the church. The annoying coroner shows up. They agree that the reverend was probably killed to give the murderer time to set up this convoluted booby trap, and that the modus operandi is very Wakefield-esque. The annoying coroner thinks the victim was randomly chosen, but the sheriff points out the notebook on the altar with a schematic of where everyone was standing. But that notebook hasn't been sitting around in the church; it's Maggie's. Very suspicious.
MEANWHILE, Shea brushes Madison's hair, which always makes Madison feel better. I'm thinking it may not do the trick this time. Henry tends to Trish, but is distracted by a knock at the door. It's Abby, stopping by to check on them, and Henry steps outside to confer with her. Trish glares at Richard and Katherine. Henry tells Abby he doesn't know what to do, and Abby tells him to just be there for Trish. Which he was doing before she interrupted. He lets her in on the fight he and JD had, and that JD said there was one more surprise for Henry. They fret over whether JD is capable of murder. I doubt that the guy whose big idea for getting attention is firecrackers would be able to set up the chandalier contraption.
MEANWHILE, Cal and Chloe are just returning from an ill-fated sailing excursion, during which they lost their wind and couldn't get back in time for the rehearsal. So, having now reached the mainland, they rush to the church to catch up with everyone. Hah! Just kidding, of course. No, the people who are monumentally late to the wedding rehearsal in which Chloe is supposed to be a member decide that there's plenty of time to stop by the local bar to call Trish. I guess so much time may have passed that they figure the rehearsal is over anyway, but then why not just go back to the inn? Oh, because then Cal wouldn't hear a story from Nikki about a local hick who found Cal's ring on the beach and proposed to his on-again-off-again girlfriend.
MEANWHILE, Abby returns to her room, where she discovers that JD has broken in. She's understandably frightened, but JD babbles that his surprise was a Roman candle in the Unity candle. He thinks the pseudo-theory that Wakefield is alive that Abby spouted when she was facing off with Shane could actually be true. He thinks he spotted Wakefield outside of the church, and discovered something else that he wants to show her. She's hesitant, but eventually agrees, because she's attracted to drama and danger like a mosquito to a bug zapper.
MEANWHILE, Richard tells Trish, Henry, Madison, Shea, and Katherine that the sheriff's on his way to talk to all of them. He gives a gung-ho "We're a family, let's stick together!" speech that makes Trish pop. She spills the affair he's having with Katherine to everyone else, just in time for the sheriff to overhear it. Whoopsie! The sheriff thinks starting the questioning with Richard would be expedient. Heh.
MEANWHILE, Cal tries to convince the hick that the ring is his. He's as successful as you'd expect. He walks back to Chloe, who can't get Trish on the phone, for obvious reasons. He relates the story of the lost ring, which gets Chloe first misted up with romance, then fired up to do battle with the hicks. Awesome. This reminds me of a roommate I had in college who we used to sic on utility companies when they tried to pull shit. She was an expert at completely demolishing them, and had the ironic name of Honey.
MEANWHILE, JD and Abby walk through the woods. So much for "stick together", I guess. Abby has the modicum of good sense to be troubled by the danger she's in, but not enough to not put herself into that danger. JD leads her to a tree, and pulls a knife. She's really scared now, but not so much that she, you know, puts up a fight or runs away or anything. Luckily for her, instead of stabbing her, JD directs her attention to the top of the tree, where a body is strung up. He moves to cut it down, which she doesn't want him to do for some unknown reason. He does it anyway, and the bottom half of Uncle Marty falls to the ground, followed a few seconds later by his top half. Yay, there is so much being resolved in this episode!
MEANWHILE, Trish apologizes to Shea for shattering her marriage in front of an audience. Shea had no idea Richard was cheating on her. That dispensed with, Trish must then admit that she told Sinister Dad about the affair earlier this morning, causing Shea fresh pain. She's especially pissed that Richard betrayed Sinister Dad, after all the generosity Sinister Dad bestowed upon him. In the other room, the sheriff is talking to Richard. Richard married Shea shortly after starting work for her family, and started sleeping with Katherine six weeks ago. He hated Sinister Dad, and slept with his wife in part to humiliate him, but swears he didn't murder him, claiming to have spent the day with Madison. The sheriff tries out a question about the Wakefield murders, but Richard doesn't know much about them.
MEANWHILE, Henry is wandering around the lawn by himself for no apparent reason. Seriously, that "stick together" direction was good advice, you nimrods. He runs into Abby, who must inform him of Uncle Marty's death. JD shows up, and Henry attacks. The two of them roll around the lawn, with Abby trying to break them up. She eventually pries them apart, and she and JD convince Henry that the killer is either Wakefield or a very good copycat.
MEANWHILE, Chloe approaches the dancing hicks, and pretends to have slept with the guy. Normally, I'd be annoyed by this pointless distraction of a plotline, but it's actually pretty amusing. Her ploy works. Girl Hick explodes with rage, and flings the ring across the bar, where Cal recovers it. He and Chloe dash out of the bar, Chloe giggling happily. Heh.
MEANWHILE, a few more loose ends are attended to, as Beth attempts to call Lucy. Malcolm joins her, and asks her if Lucy is in Seattle, hanging out with a guy. Beth says that that's what everyone's been saying, but can't confirm it. I think an inkling of truth might be seeping into the minds of the younger, stupider members of the wedding party. Malcolm perpetuates the lie that Booth is back with his family, and he and Beth huddle together in worry.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff plays War with Madison as he interviews her. Despite being in shock the last time we saw her, now she's all chatty and happy. Creepy brat. She tells the sheriff that she spent the day with Richard, swimming and playing ping pong. He seems satisfied, and steps outside. Madison asks Shea if she did well, telling her that she repeated everything Richard asked her to say. Shea turns to Trish, appalled.
MEANWHILE, Abby shows Henry and JD her father's Wall of Crazy. They determine that the sheriff has been tracking someone for a long time, whether it's Wakefield or a copycat. They find a stack of postcards accusing the sheriff of being a liar, though about what, they have no idea. They teleport back to the inn, where they tell the sheriff about Uncle Marty's body. They also confront him with a picture from his Wall of Crazy about Wakefield still being alive, which he denies. JD says that the only way to make sure is to dig up Wakefield's grave, which the sheriff can't endorse. He tosses JD into the hotel's walk-in cooler. JD snarks that the sheriff is just trying to look like a hero, and the sheriff retorts that it's an odd coincidence that JD wasn't present for Sinister Dad's death, that he discovered his uncle, and that he was the last person to see Kelly alive. Snap! He locks JD in the walk-in, and leaves, pausing only to tell Abby that he's getting her off the island tomorrow.
MEANWHILE, Trish goes to confront Katherine. She tells Katherine that Richard lied about his whereabouts earlier in the morning, and Katherine denies having been with him. So where has Richard been, hmmmmm? Henry and Abby reconvene, and decide to go ahead with JD's whole dig-up-Wakefield's-grave plan.
MEANWHILE, Cal and Chloe finally get back to the inn, where the other members of the wedding party fill them in on the fun they've missed. After they've absorbed the news, Chloe points out that the head spade that killed Sinister Dad has been missing from the maritime museum since the scavenger hunt. Danny comes in, and informs everyone that the sheriff said that nobody's allowed to leave until they've been questioned, like, DUH. They finally realize that they may be thought of as suspects, and not just witnesses. I'm going out on a limb, and predicting that no member of the wedding party was ever valedictorian.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff questions Katherine. She says that Richard used to fantasize about Sinister Dad dying, so he could take over the company, but that they were never serious threats, just jokes. Trish interrupts to insist Katherine show the sheriff articles that Katherine found. Um, why is Trish even there? I can understand her being present (along with Shea) for Madison's interview, but what business does she have here now? Katherine doesn't seem to mind, and shows the sheriff a bunch of newspapers she found in Richard's briefcase. They're the very articles about the Wakefield murders that Abby spotted when she was putting together her stupid scrapbook. Another loose end tied up! Also, it seems that Richard knows more about Wakefield than he admitted. Plus, he was the only one present when Trish almost drowned. It's looking bleaker and bleaker for him. The sheriff asks Katherine and Trish to keep this information to themselves.
MEANWHILE, JD passes the time by constructing a tower of canned vegetables. Madison lets him out of the walk-in, saying she snagged the key from Maggie's desk. She tells him people think Richard killed Sinister Dad, but it doesn't seem to upset her much, being a creepy brat and all. JD takes off, and Madison gleefully kicks over the vegetable tower.
MEANWHILE, Abby and Henry, instead of going directly to Wakefield's grave while it was still light out, have sensibly decided to dig it up in the dead of night. By themselves. After telling nobody where they'd be. Twits. Just as they reach the coffin, the sheriff shows up, looking for the missing JD. Abby apologizes, but says she needs to know the truth. The sheriff says he'll allow them to open the coffin, and when they do, they discover a skeleton grinning up at them. That seems to settle the issue, although we could also have just discovered where Lucy wound up. Abby and the sheriff discuss the issue while Henry does all the work of filling in the grave. The sheriff has suspected there has been a Wakefield copycat for years, but never imagined that he or she would come to this island. JD is still not cleared of suspicion. Abby also apologizes for going through her father's things, and the two of them make up over the fights and problems they've had since the original murder spree. The sheriff plans to send most of the guests home tomorrow, but tells Henry that he'll have to bring JD in. JD is hiding in the trees nearby, and overhears everything.
MEANWHILE, Cal and Chloe discuss their relationship. She hopes to become engaged, and promises to be less critical of Cal's overthinking everything. He promises he'll propose, but not on the same day Trish's dad was slaughtered. She's placated for the time being, and snuggles up to him to go to sleep. He stares intently into the middle distance.
MEANWHILE, Richard wanders around outside. Alone. "Stick together" just doesn't have the same weight it once did. He's on the phone with what sounds like his lawyer. He says that he hasn't been charged with anything, but doesn't want to make another move without the lawyer present. He's also worried about what Shea will do, now that she knows he's been cheating on her, and is royally pissed. He looks through the window at Madison, who's playing solitaire. He insists he's not interested in money, but wants to fight for "share...." That was probably going to be "shared custody", though I suppose it could have been "Cher tickets". I don't think shared custody is going to be much of a viable option, though, because before Richard can get the sentence out, he's speared with a harpoon. Eep. Madison looks up, and appears to see what's going on. Richard manages to groan her name before the harpoon is pulled back, and Richard is pulled somewhat comically off-screen. Madison actually didn't see any of this, but is simply looking at her reflection in the window.
MEANWHILE, JD runs through the woods to a cabin. He knocks on the door, and is admitted by Burnface McGee, looking like an even crazier Gary Busey.
Now, that was a satisfying episode. Figures that just as we get the real excitement rolling, I read that the show has been cancelled. Hopefully, that just means there won't be a Season 2, and they'll burn off the rest of Season 1 so we can at least get some closure.
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: A
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH! IN FULL VIEW OF OTHER CHARACTERS!
Finally! Finally, the characters of Harper's Island can no longer wander around in blissful ignorance, planning scavenger hunts and going fishing. Everyone in the church freaks out over Sinister Dad being cleaved by the head spade, and with good reason. It's fairly gross. Hilariously, everyone is too busy with their own shock to worry about young Madison staring at her grandfather's bloody corpse until she starts emitting piercing screams. Richard takes his jacket off and puts it over Sinister Dad's face. The blood soon leaks through. The sheriff hears the commotion and busts into the church. Wait a minute. Two weeks ago -- that is to say, thirty seconds ago in the show's universe -- the sheriff was down by the water's edge, fishing out the reverend's body parts. I envy these characters' teleportation powers. He first rushes to Abby to make sure she's not hurt. Aw. Abby's in too much of a daze to explain what happened, but it's not too difficult to piece together. No pun intended. He asks the rest of the wedding party to step outside. Most are only too glad to get out of there, but Henry has to drag a hysterical Trish.
Katherine sits catatonic in a pew. The sheriff rouses her, and leads her outside, where everyone else continues to freak out. Who the hell is that old lady standing next to Abby? The sheriff asks a blood-spattered Maggie and Henry to get everyone back to the inn, and strongly recommends that everyone stick together; it's certainly not the time to be wandering off by themselves. Abby gets a call from an unknown caller, and when she answers, hears only "Ave Maria". It makes her more visibly upset than Sinister Dad's gruesome death. Madison spots JD hiding behind a nearby tree. He puts his finger to his lips, and she nods, content to keep his presence a secret.
Back at the inn, the groomsmen and Beth are having some stiff drinks, and discussing the situation with all the sensitivity and intelligence you'd expect. That is to say, not much. They agree that the wedding will have to be postponed (ya think?), and Blond Tool wants to leave the island immediately, because when a murder has been committed, the witnesses are free to take off whenever they'd like. MEANWHILE, the sheriff and deputy are processing the scene at the church. The annoying coroner shows up. They agree that the reverend was probably killed to give the murderer time to set up this convoluted booby trap, and that the modus operandi is very Wakefield-esque. The annoying coroner thinks the victim was randomly chosen, but the sheriff points out the notebook on the altar with a schematic of where everyone was standing. But that notebook hasn't been sitting around in the church; it's Maggie's. Very suspicious.
MEANWHILE, Shea brushes Madison's hair, which always makes Madison feel better. I'm thinking it may not do the trick this time. Henry tends to Trish, but is distracted by a knock at the door. It's Abby, stopping by to check on them, and Henry steps outside to confer with her. Trish glares at Richard and Katherine. Henry tells Abby he doesn't know what to do, and Abby tells him to just be there for Trish. Which he was doing before she interrupted. He lets her in on the fight he and JD had, and that JD said there was one more surprise for Henry. They fret over whether JD is capable of murder. I doubt that the guy whose big idea for getting attention is firecrackers would be able to set up the chandalier contraption.
MEANWHILE, Cal and Chloe are just returning from an ill-fated sailing excursion, during which they lost their wind and couldn't get back in time for the rehearsal. So, having now reached the mainland, they rush to the church to catch up with everyone. Hah! Just kidding, of course. No, the people who are monumentally late to the wedding rehearsal in which Chloe is supposed to be a member decide that there's plenty of time to stop by the local bar to call Trish. I guess so much time may have passed that they figure the rehearsal is over anyway, but then why not just go back to the inn? Oh, because then Cal wouldn't hear a story from Nikki about a local hick who found Cal's ring on the beach and proposed to his on-again-off-again girlfriend.
MEANWHILE, Abby returns to her room, where she discovers that JD has broken in. She's understandably frightened, but JD babbles that his surprise was a Roman candle in the Unity candle. He thinks the pseudo-theory that Wakefield is alive that Abby spouted when she was facing off with Shane could actually be true. He thinks he spotted Wakefield outside of the church, and discovered something else that he wants to show her. She's hesitant, but eventually agrees, because she's attracted to drama and danger like a mosquito to a bug zapper.
MEANWHILE, Richard tells Trish, Henry, Madison, Shea, and Katherine that the sheriff's on his way to talk to all of them. He gives a gung-ho "We're a family, let's stick together!" speech that makes Trish pop. She spills the affair he's having with Katherine to everyone else, just in time for the sheriff to overhear it. Whoopsie! The sheriff thinks starting the questioning with Richard would be expedient. Heh.
MEANWHILE, Cal tries to convince the hick that the ring is his. He's as successful as you'd expect. He walks back to Chloe, who can't get Trish on the phone, for obvious reasons. He relates the story of the lost ring, which gets Chloe first misted up with romance, then fired up to do battle with the hicks. Awesome. This reminds me of a roommate I had in college who we used to sic on utility companies when they tried to pull shit. She was an expert at completely demolishing them, and had the ironic name of Honey.
MEANWHILE, JD and Abby walk through the woods. So much for "stick together", I guess. Abby has the modicum of good sense to be troubled by the danger she's in, but not enough to not put herself into that danger. JD leads her to a tree, and pulls a knife. She's really scared now, but not so much that she, you know, puts up a fight or runs away or anything. Luckily for her, instead of stabbing her, JD directs her attention to the top of the tree, where a body is strung up. He moves to cut it down, which she doesn't want him to do for some unknown reason. He does it anyway, and the bottom half of Uncle Marty falls to the ground, followed a few seconds later by his top half. Yay, there is so much being resolved in this episode!
MEANWHILE, Trish apologizes to Shea for shattering her marriage in front of an audience. Shea had no idea Richard was cheating on her. That dispensed with, Trish must then admit that she told Sinister Dad about the affair earlier this morning, causing Shea fresh pain. She's especially pissed that Richard betrayed Sinister Dad, after all the generosity Sinister Dad bestowed upon him. In the other room, the sheriff is talking to Richard. Richard married Shea shortly after starting work for her family, and started sleeping with Katherine six weeks ago. He hated Sinister Dad, and slept with his wife in part to humiliate him, but swears he didn't murder him, claiming to have spent the day with Madison. The sheriff tries out a question about the Wakefield murders, but Richard doesn't know much about them.
MEANWHILE, Henry is wandering around the lawn by himself for no apparent reason. Seriously, that "stick together" direction was good advice, you nimrods. He runs into Abby, who must inform him of Uncle Marty's death. JD shows up, and Henry attacks. The two of them roll around the lawn, with Abby trying to break them up. She eventually pries them apart, and she and JD convince Henry that the killer is either Wakefield or a very good copycat.
MEANWHILE, Chloe approaches the dancing hicks, and pretends to have slept with the guy. Normally, I'd be annoyed by this pointless distraction of a plotline, but it's actually pretty amusing. Her ploy works. Girl Hick explodes with rage, and flings the ring across the bar, where Cal recovers it. He and Chloe dash out of the bar, Chloe giggling happily. Heh.
MEANWHILE, a few more loose ends are attended to, as Beth attempts to call Lucy. Malcolm joins her, and asks her if Lucy is in Seattle, hanging out with a guy. Beth says that that's what everyone's been saying, but can't confirm it. I think an inkling of truth might be seeping into the minds of the younger, stupider members of the wedding party. Malcolm perpetuates the lie that Booth is back with his family, and he and Beth huddle together in worry.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff plays War with Madison as he interviews her. Despite being in shock the last time we saw her, now she's all chatty and happy. Creepy brat. She tells the sheriff that she spent the day with Richard, swimming and playing ping pong. He seems satisfied, and steps outside. Madison asks Shea if she did well, telling her that she repeated everything Richard asked her to say. Shea turns to Trish, appalled.
MEANWHILE, Abby shows Henry and JD her father's Wall of Crazy. They determine that the sheriff has been tracking someone for a long time, whether it's Wakefield or a copycat. They find a stack of postcards accusing the sheriff of being a liar, though about what, they have no idea. They teleport back to the inn, where they tell the sheriff about Uncle Marty's body. They also confront him with a picture from his Wall of Crazy about Wakefield still being alive, which he denies. JD says that the only way to make sure is to dig up Wakefield's grave, which the sheriff can't endorse. He tosses JD into the hotel's walk-in cooler. JD snarks that the sheriff is just trying to look like a hero, and the sheriff retorts that it's an odd coincidence that JD wasn't present for Sinister Dad's death, that he discovered his uncle, and that he was the last person to see Kelly alive. Snap! He locks JD in the walk-in, and leaves, pausing only to tell Abby that he's getting her off the island tomorrow.
MEANWHILE, Trish goes to confront Katherine. She tells Katherine that Richard lied about his whereabouts earlier in the morning, and Katherine denies having been with him. So where has Richard been, hmmmmm? Henry and Abby reconvene, and decide to go ahead with JD's whole dig-up-Wakefield's-grave plan.
MEANWHILE, Cal and Chloe finally get back to the inn, where the other members of the wedding party fill them in on the fun they've missed. After they've absorbed the news, Chloe points out that the head spade that killed Sinister Dad has been missing from the maritime museum since the scavenger hunt. Danny comes in, and informs everyone that the sheriff said that nobody's allowed to leave until they've been questioned, like, DUH. They finally realize that they may be thought of as suspects, and not just witnesses. I'm going out on a limb, and predicting that no member of the wedding party was ever valedictorian.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff questions Katherine. She says that Richard used to fantasize about Sinister Dad dying, so he could take over the company, but that they were never serious threats, just jokes. Trish interrupts to insist Katherine show the sheriff articles that Katherine found. Um, why is Trish even there? I can understand her being present (along with Shea) for Madison's interview, but what business does she have here now? Katherine doesn't seem to mind, and shows the sheriff a bunch of newspapers she found in Richard's briefcase. They're the very articles about the Wakefield murders that Abby spotted when she was putting together her stupid scrapbook. Another loose end tied up! Also, it seems that Richard knows more about Wakefield than he admitted. Plus, he was the only one present when Trish almost drowned. It's looking bleaker and bleaker for him. The sheriff asks Katherine and Trish to keep this information to themselves.
MEANWHILE, JD passes the time by constructing a tower of canned vegetables. Madison lets him out of the walk-in, saying she snagged the key from Maggie's desk. She tells him people think Richard killed Sinister Dad, but it doesn't seem to upset her much, being a creepy brat and all. JD takes off, and Madison gleefully kicks over the vegetable tower.
MEANWHILE, Abby and Henry, instead of going directly to Wakefield's grave while it was still light out, have sensibly decided to dig it up in the dead of night. By themselves. After telling nobody where they'd be. Twits. Just as they reach the coffin, the sheriff shows up, looking for the missing JD. Abby apologizes, but says she needs to know the truth. The sheriff says he'll allow them to open the coffin, and when they do, they discover a skeleton grinning up at them. That seems to settle the issue, although we could also have just discovered where Lucy wound up. Abby and the sheriff discuss the issue while Henry does all the work of filling in the grave. The sheriff has suspected there has been a Wakefield copycat for years, but never imagined that he or she would come to this island. JD is still not cleared of suspicion. Abby also apologizes for going through her father's things, and the two of them make up over the fights and problems they've had since the original murder spree. The sheriff plans to send most of the guests home tomorrow, but tells Henry that he'll have to bring JD in. JD is hiding in the trees nearby, and overhears everything.
MEANWHILE, Cal and Chloe discuss their relationship. She hopes to become engaged, and promises to be less critical of Cal's overthinking everything. He promises he'll propose, but not on the same day Trish's dad was slaughtered. She's placated for the time being, and snuggles up to him to go to sleep. He stares intently into the middle distance.
MEANWHILE, Richard wanders around outside. Alone. "Stick together" just doesn't have the same weight it once did. He's on the phone with what sounds like his lawyer. He says that he hasn't been charged with anything, but doesn't want to make another move without the lawyer present. He's also worried about what Shea will do, now that she knows he's been cheating on her, and is royally pissed. He looks through the window at Madison, who's playing solitaire. He insists he's not interested in money, but wants to fight for "share...." That was probably going to be "shared custody", though I suppose it could have been "Cher tickets". I don't think shared custody is going to be much of a viable option, though, because before Richard can get the sentence out, he's speared with a harpoon. Eep. Madison looks up, and appears to see what's going on. Richard manages to groan her name before the harpoon is pulled back, and Richard is pulled somewhat comically off-screen. Madison actually didn't see any of this, but is simply looking at her reflection in the window.
MEANWHILE, JD runs through the woods to a cabin. He knocks on the door, and is admitted by Burnface McGee, looking like an even crazier Gary Busey.
Now, that was a satisfying episode. Figures that just as we get the real excitement rolling, I read that the show has been cancelled. Hopefully, that just means there won't be a Season 2, and they'll burn off the rest of Season 1 so we can at least get some closure.
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: A
Monday, May 11, 2009
Leave it to Cleaver
Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 5
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH! MAYBE!
The morning after her drunken evening followed by her almost drowning, Trish walks around in a meltdown on the inn's lawn. I can't decide whether I'm relieved or miffed that we didn't see Trish wake up in a meltdown, shower in a meltdown, get dressed in a meltdown, and wander outside in a meltdown. Henry finds her, and beseeches her to calm down and take some time for herself. She says there's far too much to do with the wedding, but Sinister Dad appears and convinces her to hang out with him for a while. MEANWHILE, Abby wakes up in her clothes at Jimmy's place. She wakes up in her clothes a lot. Did she even pack pajamas? There's a knock at the door, and it turns out to be her father, who has breakfast plans with Jimmy. There's a lot of awkward avoidance of whether Abby and Jimmy knocked boots last night or not. I get that they're not anxious to talk about it, but it'd have been nice to let us in on a little information.
MEANWHILE, Trish and her dad take a leisurely bike ride through the woods. They chat about how little quality time they spend together, until that conversation is thankfully interrupted by Lucy's purse dog, whom Trish spots out of the corner of her eye. There's some very odd conversation about how they thought Lucy had left the island. Wait, why do they think that? Did someone send another fake text message? Wouldn't it strike them as weird that Lucy would leave before the wedding without even talking to someone face-to-face? Is this just a clumsily inserted line of dialogue to cover the fact that it's ridiculous that nobody's wondered where Lucy is for two days?
They decide to follow the purse dog, and are in a fairly jolly mood. Well, they are until their bikes set off a trip wire that springs a giant log trap. This murderer must have loved The Goonies. The log swings lower than you'd think, and smashes the bikes at wheel-level, rather than at human-head-level. It's enough to send Trish and her Sinister Dad sprawling to the ground. They're knocked out for a while, and are a bit banged up -- Trish has come down with a case of Twisted Ankle Cliche -- but manage to pull themselves together. Trish's cell phone has been smashed to bits, and Sinister Dad helps her hobble back towards the inn, notably passing a "NO TRESPASSING" sign.
MEANWHILE, Madison approaches JD and asks why he has "pictures" all over him. She declares them creepy, and JD tells her she's the one who's creepy. YES! Thank you! Someone finally said it! The two of them hatch a plot to set off a bunch of fireworks for attention. So JD is heavily inked, does drugs, and sets off explosives for attention. That nasty case of Cliche that Trish has come down with seems to be catching. Maggie corners Henry with pointless questions about tablecloths and napkin rings until they're startled by the fireworks exploding at their feet. Henry is upset, though you'd think he'd be grateful to escape the tedium of niggling wedding details. Also, I refuse to believe that Trish wouldn't have selected all of that stuff before-hand. What? Nitpicking tiny little plot holes is fun! Try it sometime!
MEANWHILE, Malcolm has unsettling dreams about Booth's death. He awakens to find forest detritus by his bed, clothes on Booth's bed, and the shower running in his bathroom. He creeps into the bathroom and rips the curtain back to find...nobody. Weird. He's surprised by Token Black (hereafter known as Danny), who has come in to ask about breakfast. Danny wonders where Booth has gotten to. Malcolm acts suspicious, and kicks the satchel of money further under his bed. Good hiding place, dude. Nobody would ever think to look there.
MEANWHILE, Abby, Jimmy, and the sheriff have a leisurely breakfast, giggling over the fact that the sheriff hated Jimmy back when he was dating Abby. He tells Abby he's got some of her stuff and some of her late mother's back at the house, so if she has time, she's welcome to come over and go through it. She waffles.
MEANWHILE, the groomsmen decide to look for Booth. Malcolm plays along. Madison stops by JD's room to see if he's up for more mayhem (for someone claiming to have spirits as friends, you'd think the creepy brat could come up with something better than the floating-candy-bar-in-the-pool gag). He blows her off, but not before they bond over the fact that both of their families have issues.
MEANWHILE, Trish and Sinister Dad hobble through the woods. Since they're alone, and have got nothing but time, they finally have it out over the fact that Sinister Dad doesn't like Henry. Sinister Dad says it comes down to him not trusting Henry, so Trish spills the beans about Katherine and Richard having an affair, though she tactfully leaves out all the sadomasochistic sex parts.
MEANWHILE, Henry is still under Maggie's thumb concerning the wedding details. Abby stops by long enough to recap everything we just saw at breakfast, but runs away before she can get pulled into selecting salad forks. Smart girl. Maggie hasn't been able to contact the reverend about the wedding rehearsal(for obvious reasons), so Henry says he'll go down to the church and take care of it. He leaves a message for Trish, hoping she'll get back soon, but soon has a more pressing concern. He arrives at the church to find a raccoon carcass on the altar, split down the middle and crawling with bugs. Ew.
MEANWHILE, Sinister Dad is moping that the affair makes him feel like a cliche. Oh, no! This Cliche Disease is spreading faster than Swine Flu! Just as Sinister Dad is about to explain the complications of his relationship with Katherine, Trish spots a figure in the woods. It doesn't look like anyone we've met. They call to him, asking if they can use his phone, and his response is to sic his attack dog on them. They hobble away as fast as they can, and manage to take cover in an abandoned truck. They are having a terrible morning. I'm glad Trish isn't the superstitious type, or this wedding would be so off.
MEANWHILE, Henry has summoned the sheriff to the church. They've finally figured out that the reverend is missing (lots of mail stacked up and unanswered messages), so the sheriff sends the deputy to check his house while he and Henry attend to the raccoon carcass. Malcolm is also in the woods, swearing to Booth's grave that he'll give Booth's share of the money to his mother and that he won't let Booth take any blame for what's happened. Oh, I guess Booth really is dead. Never mind all of my jabbering last week. Abby is also out and about, stopping by the sheriff's house. She leaves him a message, and lets herself in. Henry tells the sheriff about the deer in the bathtub, and admits his suspicions of Shane. Shane couldn't have pulled the raccoon trick, though, because he's still locked up for that whole attempting-to-murder-JD thing. They have a heart-to-heart about JD's issues, and about how happy the sheriff is that Henry decided to have the wedding on Harper's Island, since it's given him the chance to reconnect with Abby. Henry says it'll just take some time for Abby to get over her bad memories, including the ones the sheriff gave her. Ouch. Henry attempts a graceful exit by going to get the box of trashbags by the altar, and discovers a spent firecracker. Rut roh!
MEANWHILE, Sinister Dad and Trish hope they've out-waited the attack dog, and attempt to leave the truck. Sinister Dad arms himself with a convenient broken bottle, and climbs out. The dog is waiting on the roof of the truck, and immediately attacks. Sinister Dad stabs it to death with the bottle.
MEANWHILE, Abby has been wending her way through her dad's house, looking at pictures of her mom (who looks so much like Valerie Harper, that it may as well be Valerie Harper), digging through boxes of fugly sweaters, and eventually, climbing up into the attic, where she discovers a genuine Wall of Crazy. It seems the sheriff is obsessed not only with the Wakefield murders, but other similar murder sprees. When she hears her father return home, she hightails it out of the attic, but jars a file cabinet open in her haste. She manages to get downstairs in time to meet her father, who apologizes for the way he treated her seven years ago. She's far too distracted by his Wall of Crazy to care, and leaves to go blab about the whole thing to Jimmy.
MEANWHILE, Sinister Dad and Trish are being far too blase about the day they've had. They agree to table the whole Katherine/Richard thing until after the wedding. The purse dog comes to take stock of the dead attack dog, as does the creepy guy from the woods. Half of his face is covered in burn scars.
MEANWHILE, the groomsmen contend with the possibility that either Booth stole the money, or that whoever killed the guy on the boat found Booth, too. It's about time they started giving actual weight to the whole dead-body-on-a-boat thing. Malcolm breaks his promise and pretends to consider that Booth took the money and went to his mother's house. They all agree to table the matter until after the wedding. There's a lot of tabling going around. Maybe it's a side-effect of the Cliche Disease.
MEANWHILE, Trish and Henry reunite. The sheriff finds the open file cabinet, but is interrupted by a phone call from the deputy, who has found the reverend's hearing aid. Henry goes to ask Madison where JD is. She creepily brats something about having "lots of friends" on the island, and lies that she hasn't seen JD all day. Creepy brat. Henry berates her into telling him where JD is, which turns out to be...JD's room. Did Henry not think to look there? What a dink. Henry tells JD that he got the message at the church. JD says he doesn't know what Henry's talking about, which I believe. Too easy. Henry doesn't buy it, and tells JD that the two of them are finished, and he doesn't want to see JD again. JD doesn't have much of a problem with that, and smiles that he's got one more surprise for Henry that he thinks he'll really like. Yeeks.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff and deputy follow some tracks from the site of the hearing aid. Back at the Church of Awkwardness, Katherine is telling Sinister Dad she wishes they'd had a big church wedding (*wince*), the groomsmen are concocting a story to cover for the missing Booth (*wince*), and Blond Tool admits to Henry that he once tried to score with Trish, but got shot down (*wince*). Everyone else arrives, and Maggie takes over rehearsal duties for the reverend. The sheriff finds a line that leads into the water. At the Church of Awkwardness, people finally notice that others are missing. Lucy is still expected tomorrow (??), but the news of Booth's "family emergency" and Chloe's non-appearance are puzzling (*wince*). I guess they just didn't want to pay the actress who plays Chloe for sixty seconds of screentime this week. Shea talks to Trish about how happy her wedding day was (*wince*). Henry assures her that their relationship will be different than Shea and Richard's. One would hope. Leather whips and creepy children are expensive.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff begins tugging at the line. I clutch LabRat's arm, fully expecting something grosser to pop out of the water than the catfish the deputy suggests. The rehearsal begins. Madison comes down the aisle. At the back, Sinister Dad wishes Trish every happiness. Aw, he's gotten over his dislike of Henry! How nice of him to redeem himself before... Well...
The sheriff tugs the line. The wedding party assembles at the altar. Maggie summons Abby forward at the point where she'd do her Bible reading. Abby walks right in between Trish and Henry, which there's no way someone would do at a wedding. I'll let it go at the rehearsal. And speaking of letting things go...
The sheriff tugs the line. Body parts begin to emerge from the water. Maggie calls for Sinister Dad to approach and light the Unity candle. The sheriff pulls the reverend's head out of the water, complete with a fish-hook through the eye. Bleh. He attempts to call Abby (why she'd be first on the list is a mystery), but she turns her phone off in deference to the wedding rehearsal. Maggie asks for someone to turn off the lights. Since when do you hit the lights for the Unity candle? And speaking of hitting...
Abby runs to the back of the church to get the light switch. When she flips the switch, some gears begin to grind. We get a good look at the sharpened spade in the center of the chandelier hanging over the altar. So does Sinister Dad. Right before it splits him in the forehead.
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH! THAT THE CHARACTERS ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT!
Overall Grade: B
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH! MAYBE!
The morning after her drunken evening followed by her almost drowning, Trish walks around in a meltdown on the inn's lawn. I can't decide whether I'm relieved or miffed that we didn't see Trish wake up in a meltdown, shower in a meltdown, get dressed in a meltdown, and wander outside in a meltdown. Henry finds her, and beseeches her to calm down and take some time for herself. She says there's far too much to do with the wedding, but Sinister Dad appears and convinces her to hang out with him for a while. MEANWHILE, Abby wakes up in her clothes at Jimmy's place. She wakes up in her clothes a lot. Did she even pack pajamas? There's a knock at the door, and it turns out to be her father, who has breakfast plans with Jimmy. There's a lot of awkward avoidance of whether Abby and Jimmy knocked boots last night or not. I get that they're not anxious to talk about it, but it'd have been nice to let us in on a little information.
MEANWHILE, Trish and her dad take a leisurely bike ride through the woods. They chat about how little quality time they spend together, until that conversation is thankfully interrupted by Lucy's purse dog, whom Trish spots out of the corner of her eye. There's some very odd conversation about how they thought Lucy had left the island. Wait, why do they think that? Did someone send another fake text message? Wouldn't it strike them as weird that Lucy would leave before the wedding without even talking to someone face-to-face? Is this just a clumsily inserted line of dialogue to cover the fact that it's ridiculous that nobody's wondered where Lucy is for two days?
They decide to follow the purse dog, and are in a fairly jolly mood. Well, they are until their bikes set off a trip wire that springs a giant log trap. This murderer must have loved The Goonies. The log swings lower than you'd think, and smashes the bikes at wheel-level, rather than at human-head-level. It's enough to send Trish and her Sinister Dad sprawling to the ground. They're knocked out for a while, and are a bit banged up -- Trish has come down with a case of Twisted Ankle Cliche -- but manage to pull themselves together. Trish's cell phone has been smashed to bits, and Sinister Dad helps her hobble back towards the inn, notably passing a "NO TRESPASSING" sign.
MEANWHILE, Madison approaches JD and asks why he has "pictures" all over him. She declares them creepy, and JD tells her she's the one who's creepy. YES! Thank you! Someone finally said it! The two of them hatch a plot to set off a bunch of fireworks for attention. So JD is heavily inked, does drugs, and sets off explosives for attention. That nasty case of Cliche that Trish has come down with seems to be catching. Maggie corners Henry with pointless questions about tablecloths and napkin rings until they're startled by the fireworks exploding at their feet. Henry is upset, though you'd think he'd be grateful to escape the tedium of niggling wedding details. Also, I refuse to believe that Trish wouldn't have selected all of that stuff before-hand. What? Nitpicking tiny little plot holes is fun! Try it sometime!
MEANWHILE, Malcolm has unsettling dreams about Booth's death. He awakens to find forest detritus by his bed, clothes on Booth's bed, and the shower running in his bathroom. He creeps into the bathroom and rips the curtain back to find...nobody. Weird. He's surprised by Token Black (hereafter known as Danny), who has come in to ask about breakfast. Danny wonders where Booth has gotten to. Malcolm acts suspicious, and kicks the satchel of money further under his bed. Good hiding place, dude. Nobody would ever think to look there.
MEANWHILE, Abby, Jimmy, and the sheriff have a leisurely breakfast, giggling over the fact that the sheriff hated Jimmy back when he was dating Abby. He tells Abby he's got some of her stuff and some of her late mother's back at the house, so if she has time, she's welcome to come over and go through it. She waffles.
MEANWHILE, the groomsmen decide to look for Booth. Malcolm plays along. Madison stops by JD's room to see if he's up for more mayhem (for someone claiming to have spirits as friends, you'd think the creepy brat could come up with something better than the floating-candy-bar-in-the-pool gag). He blows her off, but not before they bond over the fact that both of their families have issues.
MEANWHILE, Trish and Sinister Dad hobble through the woods. Since they're alone, and have got nothing but time, they finally have it out over the fact that Sinister Dad doesn't like Henry. Sinister Dad says it comes down to him not trusting Henry, so Trish spills the beans about Katherine and Richard having an affair, though she tactfully leaves out all the sadomasochistic sex parts.
MEANWHILE, Henry is still under Maggie's thumb concerning the wedding details. Abby stops by long enough to recap everything we just saw at breakfast, but runs away before she can get pulled into selecting salad forks. Smart girl. Maggie hasn't been able to contact the reverend about the wedding rehearsal(for obvious reasons), so Henry says he'll go down to the church and take care of it. He leaves a message for Trish, hoping she'll get back soon, but soon has a more pressing concern. He arrives at the church to find a raccoon carcass on the altar, split down the middle and crawling with bugs. Ew.
MEANWHILE, Sinister Dad is moping that the affair makes him feel like a cliche. Oh, no! This Cliche Disease is spreading faster than Swine Flu! Just as Sinister Dad is about to explain the complications of his relationship with Katherine, Trish spots a figure in the woods. It doesn't look like anyone we've met. They call to him, asking if they can use his phone, and his response is to sic his attack dog on them. They hobble away as fast as they can, and manage to take cover in an abandoned truck. They are having a terrible morning. I'm glad Trish isn't the superstitious type, or this wedding would be so off.
MEANWHILE, Henry has summoned the sheriff to the church. They've finally figured out that the reverend is missing (lots of mail stacked up and unanswered messages), so the sheriff sends the deputy to check his house while he and Henry attend to the raccoon carcass. Malcolm is also in the woods, swearing to Booth's grave that he'll give Booth's share of the money to his mother and that he won't let Booth take any blame for what's happened. Oh, I guess Booth really is dead. Never mind all of my jabbering last week. Abby is also out and about, stopping by the sheriff's house. She leaves him a message, and lets herself in. Henry tells the sheriff about the deer in the bathtub, and admits his suspicions of Shane. Shane couldn't have pulled the raccoon trick, though, because he's still locked up for that whole attempting-to-murder-JD thing. They have a heart-to-heart about JD's issues, and about how happy the sheriff is that Henry decided to have the wedding on Harper's Island, since it's given him the chance to reconnect with Abby. Henry says it'll just take some time for Abby to get over her bad memories, including the ones the sheriff gave her. Ouch. Henry attempts a graceful exit by going to get the box of trashbags by the altar, and discovers a spent firecracker. Rut roh!
MEANWHILE, Sinister Dad and Trish hope they've out-waited the attack dog, and attempt to leave the truck. Sinister Dad arms himself with a convenient broken bottle, and climbs out. The dog is waiting on the roof of the truck, and immediately attacks. Sinister Dad stabs it to death with the bottle.
MEANWHILE, Abby has been wending her way through her dad's house, looking at pictures of her mom (who looks so much like Valerie Harper, that it may as well be Valerie Harper), digging through boxes of fugly sweaters, and eventually, climbing up into the attic, where she discovers a genuine Wall of Crazy. It seems the sheriff is obsessed not only with the Wakefield murders, but other similar murder sprees. When she hears her father return home, she hightails it out of the attic, but jars a file cabinet open in her haste. She manages to get downstairs in time to meet her father, who apologizes for the way he treated her seven years ago. She's far too distracted by his Wall of Crazy to care, and leaves to go blab about the whole thing to Jimmy.
MEANWHILE, Sinister Dad and Trish are being far too blase about the day they've had. They agree to table the whole Katherine/Richard thing until after the wedding. The purse dog comes to take stock of the dead attack dog, as does the creepy guy from the woods. Half of his face is covered in burn scars.
MEANWHILE, the groomsmen contend with the possibility that either Booth stole the money, or that whoever killed the guy on the boat found Booth, too. It's about time they started giving actual weight to the whole dead-body-on-a-boat thing. Malcolm breaks his promise and pretends to consider that Booth took the money and went to his mother's house. They all agree to table the matter until after the wedding. There's a lot of tabling going around. Maybe it's a side-effect of the Cliche Disease.
MEANWHILE, Trish and Henry reunite. The sheriff finds the open file cabinet, but is interrupted by a phone call from the deputy, who has found the reverend's hearing aid. Henry goes to ask Madison where JD is. She creepily brats something about having "lots of friends" on the island, and lies that she hasn't seen JD all day. Creepy brat. Henry berates her into telling him where JD is, which turns out to be...JD's room. Did Henry not think to look there? What a dink. Henry tells JD that he got the message at the church. JD says he doesn't know what Henry's talking about, which I believe. Too easy. Henry doesn't buy it, and tells JD that the two of them are finished, and he doesn't want to see JD again. JD doesn't have much of a problem with that, and smiles that he's got one more surprise for Henry that he thinks he'll really like. Yeeks.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff and deputy follow some tracks from the site of the hearing aid. Back at the Church of Awkwardness, Katherine is telling Sinister Dad she wishes they'd had a big church wedding (*wince*), the groomsmen are concocting a story to cover for the missing Booth (*wince*), and Blond Tool admits to Henry that he once tried to score with Trish, but got shot down (*wince*). Everyone else arrives, and Maggie takes over rehearsal duties for the reverend. The sheriff finds a line that leads into the water. At the Church of Awkwardness, people finally notice that others are missing. Lucy is still expected tomorrow (??), but the news of Booth's "family emergency" and Chloe's non-appearance are puzzling (*wince*). I guess they just didn't want to pay the actress who plays Chloe for sixty seconds of screentime this week. Shea talks to Trish about how happy her wedding day was (*wince*). Henry assures her that their relationship will be different than Shea and Richard's. One would hope. Leather whips and creepy children are expensive.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff begins tugging at the line. I clutch LabRat's arm, fully expecting something grosser to pop out of the water than the catfish the deputy suggests. The rehearsal begins. Madison comes down the aisle. At the back, Sinister Dad wishes Trish every happiness. Aw, he's gotten over his dislike of Henry! How nice of him to redeem himself before... Well...
The sheriff tugs the line. The wedding party assembles at the altar. Maggie summons Abby forward at the point where she'd do her Bible reading. Abby walks right in between Trish and Henry, which there's no way someone would do at a wedding. I'll let it go at the rehearsal. And speaking of letting things go...
The sheriff tugs the line. Body parts begin to emerge from the water. Maggie calls for Sinister Dad to approach and light the Unity candle. The sheriff pulls the reverend's head out of the water, complete with a fish-hook through the eye. Bleh. He attempts to call Abby (why she'd be first on the list is a mystery), but she turns her phone off in deference to the wedding rehearsal. Maggie asks for someone to turn off the lights. Since when do you hit the lights for the Unity candle? And speaking of hitting...
Abby runs to the back of the church to get the light switch. When she flips the switch, some gears begin to grind. We get a good look at the sharpened spade in the center of the chandelier hanging over the altar. So does Sinister Dad. Right before it splits him in the forehead.
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH! THAT THE CHARACTERS ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT!
Overall Grade: B
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Shot in the Dark
Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 4
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH! Not to mention, a move to a DEATHLY timeslot on Saturdays.
Shea and Madison approach a psychic who's setting up to entertain the ladies at Trish's bachelorette party. Madison, who never passes up an opportunity to be a creepy brat, gets the job done. Shea slips the psychic a list of names and birthdays for horoscopal purposes. I can't wait to trademark "horoscopal". Madison hovers over the creepy cards in the deck, fortunately skipping over the cliche "Death" and heading straight for "The Tower". Well played, show. They talk about spirits and death and blah blah blah.
MEANWHILE, Abby is at the bar again, getting a recipe from Nikki to paste into a scrapbook as a wedding present. Thanks a lot, cheapskate. You make enough money to subsist as a writer in Los Angeles and you can't get an actual wedding present? No wonder a serial killer is after you. Jimmy enters, and flirts with Abby via the time-tested method of joking about how he has an STD. Hot.
MEANWHILE, Henry is somehow surprised to find Trish naked (save her diamond earrings, of course), even though the two of them have been having sex like clockwork since they arrived on the island. I mean, it's nice to see two people in love, but come up for air, guys. Some banter is exchanged about Henry's bachelor party, and then they have sex again. Enjoy it while you can! Bodies have to start surfacing at some point, and I doubt that'll put anyone but Chloe in a romantic mood.
MEANWHILE, Shea and Madison take their leave of the psychic, and Madison is yet again a creepy brat, prattling on about spirits and cradling the stolen Tower card in her hands. How is the psychic supposed to tell accurate fortunes now, brat? I suppose that's the last thing on the psychic's mind, because as she scans the list of female guests, she sees Abby's name, and immediately begins to drip blood from her nose. Funny how she didn't have a psychic reaction to Lucy, whose charred corpse is rotting in a pit somewhere.
MEANWHILE, Jimmy has a heart-to-heart with Abby, apologizing on behalf of Shane, expressing sympathy over Kelly's death, and hoping that Abby can still have a good time while she's on the island. Abby's hot for Jimmy, so she's more receptive to the whole "Woo! Fun on the island!" idea than a normal person would be after Kelly's murder and nearly getting filleted in Shane's shack.
MEANWHILE, Blond Tool describes his ideas for Henry's bachelor party to Token Black and Nerd (hereafter known as Booth). He says he's found a stripper for later, but she's a townie, so he hopes she'll have some actual teeth in her head. Henry shows up, and discovers that the guys have also planned to take him fishing, which he loves. This destination wedding is getting lamer by the second. Come, spend a week with us! We'll offer skeet-shooting and fishing! I think I'd rather save the vacation days. And hey, as an added bonus, I wouldn't be murdered! Blond Tool whips out the additional guest invited to the fishing party: An inflatable doll named Muffin. I guess if the stripper isn't hot, it's nice to have a Plan B. Malcolm (the other groomsman, who was awesome in that one episode of Dead Like Me, and will thus have brownie points with me forever) is inside, pitching his idea for a beer company to Sinister Dad and Richard. He asks for $100,000 in start-up costs to get the suds flowing.
MEANWHILE, Shea surprises Trish by unpacking their dead mother's tea set, and the two of them get to bonding over how they'll have a nice tea party as part of the bachelorette activities. Madison, who can spoil a moment like no other child, creepily brats her way into shattering one of the teacups. She insists she didn't do it. That will probably turn out to be true in some dumb, it-was-the-spirits kind of way. And yet... Shut the fuck up, Madison.
MEANWHILE, the groomsmen and Muffin are out fishing. Malcolm is depressed, because Richard vetoed the idea to loan him start-up money. Token Black spots some gulls hanging out at a certain patch of water, which signals lot of fish, so they head over. I'm skipping yet another Abby/Jimmy flirt scene. Consider their flirting understood now. They need to have sex or get in a fight or be murdered because this storyline is getting milked more than the Octomom. Henry gets a bite in the new fishing spot, and though I was convinced they were going to bring up Cousin Ben's head, it's actually a big ol' fish. For some odd reason, Blond Tool reacts as if it were Cousin Ben's head. He freaks out and jumps into the water, using Muffin as a flotation device. Handy. That pointlessness dealt with, the groomsmen spot Hunter's boat. And then, the weirdness, in which none of these people act like actual people would in real life.
They see the large spatters of blood first, so Booth horks over the side of the boat, as this is naturally the role of the Hypochondriac Nerd. Then, Malcolm sees the body and the satchel full of money. That's enough to lure him onto the other boat, where he reaches into the satchel and picks up the gun. Seriously, people. You come across a grisly death scene and intentionally spread your fingerprints all over a weapon there? He wants to swipe the money, and all anyone can think about is whether to take the money or report the crime. At not one single point do they wonder who the dead body is. I'm going to be extremely generous, and assume that the gun blast rendered Hunter unrecognizable, because otherwise, this is asinine. Still, they should at least be curious about who it is and what happened here. Henry moves to call the harbor-master, and Malcolm shoots a hole in the bottom of Hunter's boat, which causes Henry to change his mind and allow Malcolm to take the money instead. Huh? Huh?!?!
MEANWHILE, Trish approaches Sinister Dad and Madison, who are playing cards, and are no doubt having a rousing conversation about how to be as off-putting as possible. She wonders where Cougar Stepmom (hereafter known as Katherine) has wandered off to. Madison thinks she may be by the pool, which leads Trish to walk to the...basement? Wine cellar? I don't know, but it's certainly not a swimming pool. She hears a female voice whimpering, and follows it until she sees Katherine chained to the ceiling. She panics for a second until it becomes clear that this is more sadomasochistic sex between Katherine and Richard. Rut roh! Trish runs off. Hey, how did Richard and Katherine know that there was chain-people-to-the-ceiling equipment in the basement? Was it in the brochure?
MEANWHILE, I'm skipping yet another Jimmy/Abby flirt scene. Let's rejoin the groomsmen, who run into Cal on their way back into the inn. He babbles a bit about how much about fish he knows, and is clearly feeling a bit left out of the festivities. The groomsmen, understandably nervous, blow him off and head to the privacy of a room, where they dump their fish in the bathtub. Geez, these bathtubs are seeing a lot of non-bath action. I hope they're well-cleaned after all these people are dead. The groomsmen stare at the pile of money, a lot of which is extremely bloody. Good luck spending that. "Oh, this? Cut myself shaving. In the jugular vein." It adds up to $250,000, which works out to $50,000 per groomsman, assuming they don't turn the money in. Malcolm pulls Henry aside to basically beg for his share, saying he's completely broke. Henry promises to think about it. In fact, all of the groomsmen, rather than doing anything an actual person would do (take the money and hide it, turn it in, fight about what to do, etc.), decide to just table the matter and go enjoy the bachelor party. No, really. "Let's leave this bloody pile of cash behind and go have some beer!" HUH?!?!
MEANWHILE, Abby stops by the local paper to pick up a copy of an article about Henry catching a fish to paste in her lame scrapbook. At first, I was surprised that Harper's Island, which is apparently about the size of koi pond, needs its own local paper, but then I remembered that people are murdered regularly here, so it's probably necessary to keep abreast of everything. While she waits for her article, Abby sees a stack of articles about John Wakefield on the counter. The girl working there says that somebody requested all the information the paper had about him, but she isn't sure who. Abby takes her article and wanders out in a daze, almost getting run over by the psychic. She drops her lame scrapbook into a puddle, and it's pretty much ruined.
MEANWHILE, Trish runs to Henry and blubbers "Katherine and Richard..." before pulling him into a comforting hug. If I were Henry, I'd be like "Katherine and Richard what? Want to talk to me? Are hurt? Got into an argument? Are having sadomasochistic sex in the basement?" Henry, as with the bloody money, is completely disinterested, and content to just stand there and hug her. The ladies then gather for some bachelorette activity. Nobody gives a solitary thought to where Lucy might be. Not a one. Are there any humans on this island? Will the twist be that this is all an imaginary play in Madison's mind or some shit? Act like people! Katherine hands out pink hoodies with "Henry and Trish" embroidered on them, saying she had black ones made for the guys. Katherine has been watching too much Grease. The perky lady we see for all of three seconds in every episode (hereafter known as Maggie), interrupts Trish's pouting to pull her and Shea into the adjoining room, where they discover that someone has completely destroyed the rest of their mother's tea set. Aw. Shea is no fool, and immediately asks where Madison is. Yeah, no kidding, lady. Abby, still wearing her Pink Lady jacket, says she'll look for her, and soon finds her sitting with some of the smashed china, being her usual creepy, bratty self. She says that the spirits told her she's not going to get to be a flower girl. Unfortunately, we cut to commercial before someone can slap the shit out of her and send her to her room.
MEANWHILE, the groomsmen are finally realizing that whoops, they've tampered with a crime scene and taken a bunch of money that probably belongs to some unsavory characters. Welcome to Duuuuuuuuuuuuuhsville, gentlemen. And yet, they still manage to make dumb jokes about prison sex. When two burly guys with guns come into the bar, the groomsmen panic and dash out to the patio for a conference. Funny, my first thought on seeing the two burly guys was "Yum." But then, I haven't stolen anything from them. Henry and the groomsmen decide to hide the money until they figure out how to turn it in without being killed or arrested. Helpful thoughts to have. Two hours ago. They draw straws to determine who has to hide the cash, and after a stupid false start thanks to Blond Tool, it winds up being Booth.
MEANWHILE, the psychic is telling Trish's fortune. Trish is trashed, because every time someone says "Henry", they have to drink. Putting aside the fact that the fortunes would be off thanks to a missing card, Madison, the psychic tells Trish that she is going to be betrayed. Trish makes a veiled dig at Katherine, but the psychic intimates that the betrayer will be male, and oddly enough, also be Trish's savior.
MEANWHILE, as Booth wanders through the woods, because God forbid he hide the money in the inn itself, the guys (and Muffin) hang out at the local bar. They're there enough to have their names engraved on the stools. Blond Tool and Token Black chat about Malcolm, and how he's now calm enough to put aside his feelings about the money, and will soon join them to help Henry enjoy his party. Are you panicked or are you in party mode, freaks? Pick a mode, because you can't be in both. Cal dances dorkily by the jukebox. Richard mopes alone at a table. Henry approaches him, and tells him that Trish spilled the beans about the sadomasochistic sex in the basement. Richard is undisturbed, daring Henry to tell on him. It looks like he knows something we don't. Ooh, maybe he's being pimped out!
MEANWHILE, it's Abby's turn with the psychic. She hands over her mother's necklace, and Trish mists over about her own dead mother. Still no mention of Lucy, by the way. The psychic takes Abby's necklace, promptly freaks out, and flees the room. Trish takes this as an opportunity to get drunker. And speaking of drunk, Blond Tool is hanging over Henry talking about what a great day it's been. Yeah, awesome, what with the blood and gunshots and all. The two burly guys enter, looking for Blond Tool. Blond Tool pawns them off on Henry. I can see why he's best man; he's such a caring friend. The two burly guys ask Henry about the money. Not THE money. The money for the stripper. Because they're bouncers. Why the stripper can't collect her own money is beyond me. I guess because then we wouldn't have had scary guys with guns to suspect of shady dealings. We've already got those, and they're in the wedding party.
MEANWHILE, and speaking of which, Booth wanders through the woods. He hears someone approaching, and pulls the gun. It turns out to be Malcolm, who is "watching his back". Watching the greenback, is more like it. Booth lowers the gun in relief, and...accidentally shoots himself in the leg. This is why you don't give firearms to hypochondriac nerds. Actually, it isn't clear that that's what just happened. Someone could have shot him from the woods. He's in shock, and isn't even in pain, but is losing a lot of blood. That's another odd thing. That shit would hurt. Malcolm wants to run and get help, but Booth doesn't want to be left alone. Malcolm cradles him as blood spurts out of his leg.
MEANWHILE, the stripper strips. It turns out that Henry knew her when she was little. That's a fascinating story. After her pseudo-naughty-because-this-is-network-TV dance, she flirts with Cal, which makes Blond Tool jealous. Malcolm enters, and though he is visibly upset, lies about having seen Booth. Curious. Oh, and elsewhere, the psychic is accosting Abby and telling her to get her ass off the island, tout de suite. So Abby goes over to Jimmy's place for a nice hug. Yeah, that makes everything better.
MEANWHILE, Malcolm is back at the inn. He's got the satchel of money, but is a good enough guy to at least be sad about his dead friend, whose body is still lying in the woods, for all we know. I'm not sensing a long lifespan for Malcolm. Too bad. Chris Gauthier is a good actor. And what the hell is up with Booth, anyway? Is he dead or alive? Who shot him, if anyone? Could this be a fakeout? Nobody suspects the hypochondriac nerd, after all.
MEANWHILE, a drunken Trish spots Muffin floating in the pool, and falls in trying to pull her out. Alcohol and night swimming - it's a winning combination! She enjoys the refreshing water, until she notices that the automatic cover is closing. She nearly drowns, but is rescued at the last moment by Richard, who is able to revive her with CPR. One could almost call him her savior, no?
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH! Not to mention, a move to a DEATHLY timeslot on Saturdays.
Shea and Madison approach a psychic who's setting up to entertain the ladies at Trish's bachelorette party. Madison, who never passes up an opportunity to be a creepy brat, gets the job done. Shea slips the psychic a list of names and birthdays for horoscopal purposes. I can't wait to trademark "horoscopal". Madison hovers over the creepy cards in the deck, fortunately skipping over the cliche "Death" and heading straight for "The Tower". Well played, show. They talk about spirits and death and blah blah blah.
MEANWHILE, Abby is at the bar again, getting a recipe from Nikki to paste into a scrapbook as a wedding present. Thanks a lot, cheapskate. You make enough money to subsist as a writer in Los Angeles and you can't get an actual wedding present? No wonder a serial killer is after you. Jimmy enters, and flirts with Abby via the time-tested method of joking about how he has an STD. Hot.
MEANWHILE, Henry is somehow surprised to find Trish naked (save her diamond earrings, of course), even though the two of them have been having sex like clockwork since they arrived on the island. I mean, it's nice to see two people in love, but come up for air, guys. Some banter is exchanged about Henry's bachelor party, and then they have sex again. Enjoy it while you can! Bodies have to start surfacing at some point, and I doubt that'll put anyone but Chloe in a romantic mood.
MEANWHILE, Shea and Madison take their leave of the psychic, and Madison is yet again a creepy brat, prattling on about spirits and cradling the stolen Tower card in her hands. How is the psychic supposed to tell accurate fortunes now, brat? I suppose that's the last thing on the psychic's mind, because as she scans the list of female guests, she sees Abby's name, and immediately begins to drip blood from her nose. Funny how she didn't have a psychic reaction to Lucy, whose charred corpse is rotting in a pit somewhere.
MEANWHILE, Jimmy has a heart-to-heart with Abby, apologizing on behalf of Shane, expressing sympathy over Kelly's death, and hoping that Abby can still have a good time while she's on the island. Abby's hot for Jimmy, so she's more receptive to the whole "Woo! Fun on the island!" idea than a normal person would be after Kelly's murder and nearly getting filleted in Shane's shack.
MEANWHILE, Blond Tool describes his ideas for Henry's bachelor party to Token Black and Nerd (hereafter known as Booth). He says he's found a stripper for later, but she's a townie, so he hopes she'll have some actual teeth in her head. Henry shows up, and discovers that the guys have also planned to take him fishing, which he loves. This destination wedding is getting lamer by the second. Come, spend a week with us! We'll offer skeet-shooting and fishing! I think I'd rather save the vacation days. And hey, as an added bonus, I wouldn't be murdered! Blond Tool whips out the additional guest invited to the fishing party: An inflatable doll named Muffin. I guess if the stripper isn't hot, it's nice to have a Plan B. Malcolm (the other groomsman, who was awesome in that one episode of Dead Like Me, and will thus have brownie points with me forever) is inside, pitching his idea for a beer company to Sinister Dad and Richard. He asks for $100,000 in start-up costs to get the suds flowing.
MEANWHILE, Shea surprises Trish by unpacking their dead mother's tea set, and the two of them get to bonding over how they'll have a nice tea party as part of the bachelorette activities. Madison, who can spoil a moment like no other child, creepily brats her way into shattering one of the teacups. She insists she didn't do it. That will probably turn out to be true in some dumb, it-was-the-spirits kind of way. And yet... Shut the fuck up, Madison.
MEANWHILE, the groomsmen and Muffin are out fishing. Malcolm is depressed, because Richard vetoed the idea to loan him start-up money. Token Black spots some gulls hanging out at a certain patch of water, which signals lot of fish, so they head over. I'm skipping yet another Abby/Jimmy flirt scene. Consider their flirting understood now. They need to have sex or get in a fight or be murdered because this storyline is getting milked more than the Octomom. Henry gets a bite in the new fishing spot, and though I was convinced they were going to bring up Cousin Ben's head, it's actually a big ol' fish. For some odd reason, Blond Tool reacts as if it were Cousin Ben's head. He freaks out and jumps into the water, using Muffin as a flotation device. Handy. That pointlessness dealt with, the groomsmen spot Hunter's boat. And then, the weirdness, in which none of these people act like actual people would in real life.
They see the large spatters of blood first, so Booth horks over the side of the boat, as this is naturally the role of the Hypochondriac Nerd. Then, Malcolm sees the body and the satchel full of money. That's enough to lure him onto the other boat, where he reaches into the satchel and picks up the gun. Seriously, people. You come across a grisly death scene and intentionally spread your fingerprints all over a weapon there? He wants to swipe the money, and all anyone can think about is whether to take the money or report the crime. At not one single point do they wonder who the dead body is. I'm going to be extremely generous, and assume that the gun blast rendered Hunter unrecognizable, because otherwise, this is asinine. Still, they should at least be curious about who it is and what happened here. Henry moves to call the harbor-master, and Malcolm shoots a hole in the bottom of Hunter's boat, which causes Henry to change his mind and allow Malcolm to take the money instead. Huh? Huh?!?!
MEANWHILE, Trish approaches Sinister Dad and Madison, who are playing cards, and are no doubt having a rousing conversation about how to be as off-putting as possible. She wonders where Cougar Stepmom (hereafter known as Katherine) has wandered off to. Madison thinks she may be by the pool, which leads Trish to walk to the...basement? Wine cellar? I don't know, but it's certainly not a swimming pool. She hears a female voice whimpering, and follows it until she sees Katherine chained to the ceiling. She panics for a second until it becomes clear that this is more sadomasochistic sex between Katherine and Richard. Rut roh! Trish runs off. Hey, how did Richard and Katherine know that there was chain-people-to-the-ceiling equipment in the basement? Was it in the brochure?
MEANWHILE, I'm skipping yet another Jimmy/Abby flirt scene. Let's rejoin the groomsmen, who run into Cal on their way back into the inn. He babbles a bit about how much about fish he knows, and is clearly feeling a bit left out of the festivities. The groomsmen, understandably nervous, blow him off and head to the privacy of a room, where they dump their fish in the bathtub. Geez, these bathtubs are seeing a lot of non-bath action. I hope they're well-cleaned after all these people are dead. The groomsmen stare at the pile of money, a lot of which is extremely bloody. Good luck spending that. "Oh, this? Cut myself shaving. In the jugular vein." It adds up to $250,000, which works out to $50,000 per groomsman, assuming they don't turn the money in. Malcolm pulls Henry aside to basically beg for his share, saying he's completely broke. Henry promises to think about it. In fact, all of the groomsmen, rather than doing anything an actual person would do (take the money and hide it, turn it in, fight about what to do, etc.), decide to just table the matter and go enjoy the bachelor party. No, really. "Let's leave this bloody pile of cash behind and go have some beer!" HUH?!?!
MEANWHILE, Abby stops by the local paper to pick up a copy of an article about Henry catching a fish to paste in her lame scrapbook. At first, I was surprised that Harper's Island, which is apparently about the size of koi pond, needs its own local paper, but then I remembered that people are murdered regularly here, so it's probably necessary to keep abreast of everything. While she waits for her article, Abby sees a stack of articles about John Wakefield on the counter. The girl working there says that somebody requested all the information the paper had about him, but she isn't sure who. Abby takes her article and wanders out in a daze, almost getting run over by the psychic. She drops her lame scrapbook into a puddle, and it's pretty much ruined.
MEANWHILE, Trish runs to Henry and blubbers "Katherine and Richard..." before pulling him into a comforting hug. If I were Henry, I'd be like "Katherine and Richard what? Want to talk to me? Are hurt? Got into an argument? Are having sadomasochistic sex in the basement?" Henry, as with the bloody money, is completely disinterested, and content to just stand there and hug her. The ladies then gather for some bachelorette activity. Nobody gives a solitary thought to where Lucy might be. Not a one. Are there any humans on this island? Will the twist be that this is all an imaginary play in Madison's mind or some shit? Act like people! Katherine hands out pink hoodies with "Henry and Trish" embroidered on them, saying she had black ones made for the guys. Katherine has been watching too much Grease. The perky lady we see for all of three seconds in every episode (hereafter known as Maggie), interrupts Trish's pouting to pull her and Shea into the adjoining room, where they discover that someone has completely destroyed the rest of their mother's tea set. Aw. Shea is no fool, and immediately asks where Madison is. Yeah, no kidding, lady. Abby, still wearing her Pink Lady jacket, says she'll look for her, and soon finds her sitting with some of the smashed china, being her usual creepy, bratty self. She says that the spirits told her she's not going to get to be a flower girl. Unfortunately, we cut to commercial before someone can slap the shit out of her and send her to her room.
MEANWHILE, the groomsmen are finally realizing that whoops, they've tampered with a crime scene and taken a bunch of money that probably belongs to some unsavory characters. Welcome to Duuuuuuuuuuuuuhsville, gentlemen. And yet, they still manage to make dumb jokes about prison sex. When two burly guys with guns come into the bar, the groomsmen panic and dash out to the patio for a conference. Funny, my first thought on seeing the two burly guys was "Yum." But then, I haven't stolen anything from them. Henry and the groomsmen decide to hide the money until they figure out how to turn it in without being killed or arrested. Helpful thoughts to have. Two hours ago. They draw straws to determine who has to hide the cash, and after a stupid false start thanks to Blond Tool, it winds up being Booth.
MEANWHILE, the psychic is telling Trish's fortune. Trish is trashed, because every time someone says "Henry", they have to drink. Putting aside the fact that the fortunes would be off thanks to a missing card, Madison, the psychic tells Trish that she is going to be betrayed. Trish makes a veiled dig at Katherine, but the psychic intimates that the betrayer will be male, and oddly enough, also be Trish's savior.
MEANWHILE, as Booth wanders through the woods, because God forbid he hide the money in the inn itself, the guys (and Muffin) hang out at the local bar. They're there enough to have their names engraved on the stools. Blond Tool and Token Black chat about Malcolm, and how he's now calm enough to put aside his feelings about the money, and will soon join them to help Henry enjoy his party. Are you panicked or are you in party mode, freaks? Pick a mode, because you can't be in both. Cal dances dorkily by the jukebox. Richard mopes alone at a table. Henry approaches him, and tells him that Trish spilled the beans about the sadomasochistic sex in the basement. Richard is undisturbed, daring Henry to tell on him. It looks like he knows something we don't. Ooh, maybe he's being pimped out!
MEANWHILE, it's Abby's turn with the psychic. She hands over her mother's necklace, and Trish mists over about her own dead mother. Still no mention of Lucy, by the way. The psychic takes Abby's necklace, promptly freaks out, and flees the room. Trish takes this as an opportunity to get drunker. And speaking of drunk, Blond Tool is hanging over Henry talking about what a great day it's been. Yeah, awesome, what with the blood and gunshots and all. The two burly guys enter, looking for Blond Tool. Blond Tool pawns them off on Henry. I can see why he's best man; he's such a caring friend. The two burly guys ask Henry about the money. Not THE money. The money for the stripper. Because they're bouncers. Why the stripper can't collect her own money is beyond me. I guess because then we wouldn't have had scary guys with guns to suspect of shady dealings. We've already got those, and they're in the wedding party.
MEANWHILE, and speaking of which, Booth wanders through the woods. He hears someone approaching, and pulls the gun. It turns out to be Malcolm, who is "watching his back". Watching the greenback, is more like it. Booth lowers the gun in relief, and...accidentally shoots himself in the leg. This is why you don't give firearms to hypochondriac nerds. Actually, it isn't clear that that's what just happened. Someone could have shot him from the woods. He's in shock, and isn't even in pain, but is losing a lot of blood. That's another odd thing. That shit would hurt. Malcolm wants to run and get help, but Booth doesn't want to be left alone. Malcolm cradles him as blood spurts out of his leg.
MEANWHILE, the stripper strips. It turns out that Henry knew her when she was little. That's a fascinating story. After her pseudo-naughty-because-this-is-network-TV dance, she flirts with Cal, which makes Blond Tool jealous. Malcolm enters, and though he is visibly upset, lies about having seen Booth. Curious. Oh, and elsewhere, the psychic is accosting Abby and telling her to get her ass off the island, tout de suite. So Abby goes over to Jimmy's place for a nice hug. Yeah, that makes everything better.
MEANWHILE, Malcolm is back at the inn. He's got the satchel of money, but is a good enough guy to at least be sad about his dead friend, whose body is still lying in the woods, for all we know. I'm not sensing a long lifespan for Malcolm. Too bad. Chris Gauthier is a good actor. And what the hell is up with Booth, anyway? Is he dead or alive? Who shot him, if anyone? Could this be a fakeout? Nobody suspects the hypochondriac nerd, after all.
MEANWHILE, a drunken Trish spots Muffin floating in the pool, and falls in trying to pull her out. Alcohol and night swimming - it's a winning combination! She enjoys the refreshing water, until she notices that the automatic cover is closing. She nearly drowns, but is rescued at the last moment by Richard, who is able to revive her with CPR. One could almost call him her savior, no?
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: B-
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