Black and White and Red All Over

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 6

Previously on Just Desserts: Zac, Gidget, and Heatherh coalesced into an annoying, Mean Girls clique. The chefs made edible fashion, which delighted some and devastated others. Heatherh continued to pitch a one-sided battle against her sworn enemy Morgan. Her cause wasn't helped when he picked up the challenge win and the prize money that came with it, but it sure was nice to see the Plastics suck their collective lemon. Meanwhile, Heatherc made a sad, vegetative garment which got her sent on her merry way. Again. Seven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. In the weeks leading up to Halloween, I've been auditioning new candy. Thumbs up to Butterfinger Crisp. Thumbs down to the Wonka Exceptionals Scrumdiddlyumptious Bar. The only "exceptional" thing about it was the price.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Danielle is frustrated and confused by her situation. She tends to like her own dishes, but often winds up in the bottom three, so she doesn't know how to progress. Yeah, that would be sucky. The Plastics amuse themselves at the expense of the others. Heatherh wants Morgan to be eliminated because he doesn't "play fair". Read: Heatherh wants Morgan to be eliminated because she doesn't like him. Note that those two things have little to no relation to one another.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Gail and this week's guest judge, Michael Laiskonis, who will spend the entire episode looking like he desperately needs to go to the bathroom:

The counter is stacked high with ingredients, but not ones you'd normally see in a pastry kitchen. It's all things like chicken, bacon, and vegetables. Gail and Michael tell the chefs that more and more pastry chefs are using savory ingredients to push their desserts further, and for today's challenge, the contestants will be doing the same. They have one hour to create a dessert that strikes a good balance between sweet and savory flavors. In order to make it even more challenging, the only cooking equipment the chefs are allowed to use is a single pot, though they're free to wash it as many times as they wish. Winner gets immunity. Ready? Go!

The chefs make a mad dash for the ingredients, with everyone grabbing at the pile at once. In the melee, Morgan bumps Heatherh in the lips. I must report that even though we see the grabbing, we never see the bumping, so you'll have to take Heatherh's word for it; I have no reason to disbelieve her. Assuming that it did happen, it was clearly unintentional, and fortunately, she's not hurt. So of course, she immediately milks it for all its worth, whining to the other Plastics about how horrible and abusive Morgan is. Honestly, if she hadn't been spending the last few episodes trying to pin everything but the world's financial collapse on Morgan, I'd have a lot more sympathy for her. As it is, I frankly don't give a shit. Funny how that works.

Zac runs daintily back and forth. Gidget, who has swiped the entire supply of bacon, hides it under his station so that only he and the other Plastics can use it. Erika sees this, and interviews that she's tired of the Plastics' bullshit. Sweet, gentle Erika. See, Heatherh? Not to beat a dead horse, but it's a point worth pressing that if you're going to gleefully form a cabal of bullies, you don't get to go crying for support when bad things happen to you. Gidget describes his family background. I don't care enough about him to transcribe any of it. Morgan hopes to make a successful sorbet with liquid nitrogen, even though he's never used it before. Time winds down, and Gail and Michael go down the line.

Zac has made a steamed beet cake, with sweet goat cheese cream, and a lemon thyme gremolata. Eric wants to evoke a sweet and savory breakfast, and has made couscous with milk, and an apricot and fig compote with prosciutto. That doesn't sound either breakfast-like or dessert-like to me. He admits to the judges that he never works with savory ingredients. Danielle has tossed avocado with honey and candied tomatoes, with a basil anglaise and caramelized corn. Morgan's got a sweet potato risotto, with a golden beet sorbet and fried ginger-infused carrots. Shot of Heatherh holding a compress to her lip as if she'd been smashed in the face with a golf club. Bid for sympathy...DENIED. Gidget has made a chocolate cremeux with bacon fat, and some caramelized foie gras garnished with sea salt. It's extremely unattractive, but I have to admit, that flavor combination intrigues me mightily. Heatherh has a sour cream corn custard, with a roasted beet and berry compote, and some mascarpone cream. That sounds like it would be good if you took the beet out.

Results. The bottom three starts off with Danielle, whose dessert wasn't sweet enough, thanks to almost raw corn. Eric's dessert was the least dessert-like, and his prosciutto was an afterthought. Heatherh layered her dessert in such a way as to obliterate the bacon flavor, and her beets were undercooked. Now, to the top three. Morgan took a big risk with liquid nitrogen that paid off. Zac's cake was warm and moist, and had rich beet flavor. Gidget's plate was a bold combination of ingredients that worked in his favor. The winner of the Quickfire and immunity is... Zac. "Finally!" he says, following up with comparisons to bridesmaids and Susan Lucci in a way he thinks is charming. It is not. In a new little wrinkle, Gail offers him some cash in exchange for his immunity. That's a clever idea. They haggle for a bit until he agrees to trade in the immunity for five thousand dollars. I wonder how high Gail would have gone. Zac immediately has buyer's remorse, but can't do anything but steel himself for the upcoming challenge.

Elimination Challenge. Gail explains that the Los Angeles Times is throwing a party to celebrate their 128th year. I guess they'd better party while the getting's good. Tick tock, print media. The chefs will be providing desserts for the party, the theme of which is "Black & White". They'll have to serve two-hundred plates, and the desserts themselves must be solely black and white. This announcement causes more stir than "Make clothes out of food" ever did. Weird. The pastry chefs explain that they're used to working with color, but there's any amount of dark chocolate and white creams that would fit the bill, so I'm not understanding the panic. The chefs have a $500 budget, thirty minutes to shop, four hours of Kitchen prep, and one hour of final prep at the event. Shopping. The chefs trudge around as if the challenge called for desserts made out of human fetuses.

Back in the Kitchen, the chefs get started on their four hours of prep. A lot of the footage is description of the desserts they're making, which we'll get to later. Zac says that he'll be deep-frying whoopie pies to order, which will be exciting for the party-goers. Yeah, I could get into that as a guest. As a side note, what's with the plethora of whoopie pies? Someone seems to make them -- or at least want to make them -- every week. Are they that alluring? Eric realizes he doesn't have enough egg yolk in his batter. He has to add more, so he's slow in getting out of the industrial mixer, which leaves Erika in the lurch. He feels terrible about the situation, but there isn't much to be done about it.

Johnny drops by to Ptimewaste. Erika's blackberries are more purple than black, but she figures the final product will be dark enough to pass muster. Eric hopes to impress the judges with more sophisticated plating than he's used to doing. Heatherh is incorporating cranberries and pomegranate juice, both of which are blood red. Johnny points this out, and Heatherh assumes that the final product will be dark enough to overcome the hit from not following instructions. This truly is a season of ignoring inconvenient challenge parameters and blindly hoping things will magically turn out all right. You'd think the chefs would learn their history. Morgan wants his dessert to have some architecture, specifically the blocks and columns suggested by a newspaper. Erika worries about her blackberries' color, but takes solace in the fact that her ice cream will be amazing, interviewing that she's known for awesome ice cream back home. Time runs out.

After a little clip of the Plastics annoying the hell out of their roommates, it's time to set up at the party. As promised, everything in the room is black and white. The chefs jog in, and start their hour of prep. Heatherh marvels at the decor and decides that now is the time to start worrying about the color of her dessert. Sigh. Zac hurries to get his frying oil hot and his pies ready for immersion. Morgan discovers that the syrup he's poured on his cake has not soaked in, and chunks of it are now falling off. He tries to salvage it by soaking it with some backup syrup he's brought along. Gidget's dessert has a lot of components, and he rushes to assemble everything, accidentally overcooking his compote because his attention is split in twenty different directions. In short, everyone is working down to the wire to finish on time.

Heatherh cannot find a sheet pan of white chocolate Rice Krispie treats. She concludes that Morgan stole or sabotaged them, because... Because... Because he's Morgan, and Morgan is responsible for all the evil in the world, including apartheid. She whines in interview about how talented people can play fair, and still come out on top. Oh, shut the fuck up, lady. The rest of the viewing party tends to see Morgan as kind of a tool, and they wonder why I keep defending him. I pointed out that even if someone isn't the most gracious gentleman on the planet, the fastest way to get me in his corner is for a group of obnoxious bullies to gang up on him. If Heatherh weren't being so douchey about Morgan, chances are I'd dislike him as much as she does. But until she can come up with better reasoning than "I've concluded that he cheats, based on the fact that I don't like him," I'll be over here waving the Morgan banner proudly.

Time runs out, and the guests stream in. The room is a sea of black and white outfits. Erika scoops her ice cream to order, and explains that her blackberries have been soaking in vodka overnight. Ooh, nice. The judges come in. Dannielle is back on the panel this week, along with Gail, Johnny, and Michael. They head for Gidget's table first. He's made a chocolate cake with white chocolate mousse, a berry compote, and an almond milk ice cream. The cake is stacked with layers of other goodies, like dark chocolate squares and tea ganache. Erika has lemon-poppyseed ice cream, with a white chocolate pave (mounted cookies in rich condensed and heavy cream sauce), and blackberry creme brulee. The blackberry layer has come out a lot more purple than black. She explains to the judges that she didn't want to lose the berry flavor in service of the challenge parameters. Well, I'm sure it'll work out okay, just like it did for Zac's souffle, Seth's wedding cake, and Heatherc's penny candy dish. All of those may have sunk their creators to the bottom, but this time, it'll totally score the win. Tasting. Gidget's compote is a bit thick and gummy, but his overall plate is very creative, and he sure packed a lot of flavor into it. Erika's ice cream tastes of soapy glue. Yikes.

Zac has deep-fried whoopie pies, with a passion fruit cream and some Asian pear. He loudly sings its praises to the guests and judges. Morgan snarks in interview about how annoying Zac's attention-seeking Julie Andrews act is. As one of Zac's sisters under the skin, I feel like I should defend him, but truth is, hanging out with drama queens is genuinely exhausting. Not everything in life needs to be a Sex and the City episode. All that said, the judges like the tropical components he's infused into his plate, though the overall flavor is intensely sweet. Morgan's blocks-and-columns idea has worked out nicely, giving his plates a very Art Deco effect. He's made a chocolate date cake, with banana anise cream, and a coffee Kahlua jelly. And there we have Limecrete's Pick of the Week. Really, anything with bananas gets a headstart on winning that honor. Heatherh has a dark chocolate gingerbread torte, with a frozen creme anglaise, and blackberry compote with candied ginger. Ooh, we're getting into gingerbread season, aren't we? Yay!

Tasting. Morgan's plating is lovely, and he did a good job balancing the sweetness with other flavors, though Gail finds his cake dry. I guess that syrup never soaked in properly. Heatherh, even more so than Erika, has ignored the black and white parameters of the challenge. There is red fruit and juice all over the plate. Everyone does enjoy the gingerbread, as well they should. Eric has done a play on Mississippi Mud Cake by topping it with Earl Grey whipped cream and hot fudge sauce. It looks fucking delicious. Gail compliments him on how far his plating skills have progressed, and he enthusiastically thanks her, and interviews about how thrilling he found the praise. Once the judges dig into his dessert, they agree that his pastry skills are really starting to blossom. Danielle has made three little desserts, shaped into the numerals 128. The "1" is a lemongrass ginger truffle with a little coconut in it. DRINK! The "2" is a baked meringue, with white peppercorns and cocoa nibs, and the "8" is a cream-filled chocolate sandwich cookie. Zac interviews that Danielle's dessert is more of a petit four plate than a composed dish. The judges agree. Service winds down.

Interstitial. The Plastics amuse themselves, and nobody else.

Fret 'n sweat. Gidget tries to start some shit by passive-aggressively wondering if anyone else had things go missing, other than Heatherh's Rice Krispie treats. Nobody did, and Gidget calls the situation shocking. Morgan doesn't rise to the bait, but just nods his head in mock sympathy, which is hilarious. Gail enters, and asks to see Heatherh, Erika, and Danielle at Judges' Table. The ladies head out with smiles on their faces. They don't stay happy for long, because the judges have thankfully mixed things up a bit, and called the bottom three out first this week. All three of the chefs have different facial responses, from consternation to horror to fury. Heatherh liked the dessert she put forth, and Dannielle points out that she had the least black and white dessert. I truly wonder when this batch of people will stumble across the fact that if the challenge is to make a great brownie, and they go on to make the best lobster bisque ever known to man, they've still failed the challenge. Michael liked Heatherh's gingerbread, but wonders if she just stuck to her guns because she didn't feel like adapting to the actual challenge. Thank you!

Tim (as the judges): "You've fallen to the bottom because you didn't have any Rice Krispie treats."

Erika admits that her blackberry creme brulee wasn't as dark as she would have liked it, but enjoyed her ice cream. Unfortunately, the ice cream is the main reason she's wound up on the bottom. Johnny tells her he didn't get any lemon flavor out of it, and Dannielle reports that it actually had a soapy flavor. I know Dawn is sponsoring the season, but I hope we haven't reached the point that the chefs are tossing it into their dishes. Erika's flavor issues don't end with the ice cream. Gail says she didn't get any blackberry flavor out of the creme brulee layer of her cake. Danielle is at a loss, because she liked the desserts she made, and felt like she stuck to the theme well. Dannielle tells her that the meringue was kind of flavorless, and Michael says that the three desserts didn't meld well with each other, making it more of a sampler plate than a composed dish. Johnny tells her she should have thought about the best way to offer the individual desserts, and then instructed the guests how best to enjoy it. This after he explicitly told Seth that his role is not to educate the public. Make up your mind. Don't morph into Ptom. The bottom three are dismissed, and Gail asks them to send out all four of the guys. That's new.

Tiffany (coming back into the room): "So they switched it?"
Limecrete: "Yeah, the four guys are all on top."
Tiffany: "Um, these guys are not all tops."

The guys are back in the Kitchen feeling sorry for themselves, and the women reveal nothing when they come back, only telling the others that the judges want to see all of them. Once they're gone, Erika addresses the camera (not in interview, but right there in the Kitchen), and denies that any of her food ever tasted like soap, so Dannielle can eat it. Daaaaamn. Heatherh grouses that she doesn't want the men to dominate the competition. I write a quick note to her that reads "Have you noticed that the more you obsess over other people, the worse your food gets?" and pop it into a time machine to send back to a point when it would have done any good. Out at Judges' Table, the guys are extremely relieved to be the top four. Zac's plate was creative, and embraced the theme well. His ice cream was fantastic. Morgan's plate was delicious and well-constructed. Eric layered his textures well, and presented his best dessert to date. Gidget packed a ton of flavors into his little plate. Michael gets to announce the winner, which is... Gidget. He's happy to win, and promises we'll see him in the final three. Don't you threaten me.

Deliberations. Danielle didn't think about her final product enough, and her desserts were rather flavorless. Danielle is shouting back in the Kitchen that she has no idea how to cook for a palate other than her own, and doesn't know how to make the judges happy. My guess is that she can't, and we'll be saying good-bye soon. Erika included blackberry in multiple components, but it never came through, and her ice cream sucked rocks. Erika tells the other chefs that she's made ice cream for her entire career, and has never had this problem. I wonder if it has something to do with the machine she made it in. We'll never know. Heatherh relied too heavily on her technical skill, and ignored the challenge at hand. Michael senses that she's stubborn, and gets fixated on what she wants to do, discarding any instruction she finds inconvenient. Gail says her gingerbread was good, but not particularly inventive. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. Danielle is in the bottom three all the time. That's seriously all Johnny can find to say to her. Heatherh has good skill, but sabotaged herself. I half expect a thought bubble to pop out of her head that describes her plan to blame this all on Morgan somehow. Erika's star component tasted bad. Gail winds up to deliver the bad news. Erika. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Please pack your tools and go. She thanks the judges and heads back to the Kitchen. In her final interview, she tells us that she put everything she had into these desserts. Her heart, her soul, passion, love, and soap. Okay, she didn't mention that last one. She's proud of what she's done, and I have to say, based on the sight and descriptions of her plates over the course of the competition, she didn't get a lot of the credit she deserved. She'll miss the other chefs, and has realized that she's a lot stronger than she realized. Aw. It's a shame to see someone so nice and grounded go. It's time to weed out some jerkholes.

Overall Grade: C+

Clothes, But Not Clothes Enough

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 5

Previously on Just Desserts: Melrose Place wished it could be this out-of-control. Seth had another meltdown, which led to an anxiety attack, which led to his ejection. Heatherc threw herself back into the competition with the tenacity and vigor of limp spaghetti. Heatherh was crabby, Yigit was snotty, and Malika was done with this show, quitting at her culinary high point. Eight chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. More Zettie's Confections. Yay! In addition to those, we had cupcakes I had made for LabRat's birthday, and Panny brought along mini-pumpkin pies, adapted from the mini-pecan pies that I love so. Happiness all around!

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Last week, I referred to Yigit as Gretchen Weiners. This week, let's get his opening lines verbatim, shall we? "Clique is such an awful word, but there's definitely groups of people who have gravitated towards one another. [Heatherh], Zac, and I... We've become Team Go Diva. People are a little bit threatened by the three of us being such talented pastry chefs and good friends, but...fuck them." Wow. Even though I thought it was a fairly apt comparison, I never dreamed it would be that prescient. Since Yigit is about a half-centimeter from getting hoop earrings for Hanukkah, why don't we just go ahead and fuse the two of them? Gretchen + Yigit = Gidget. Plus, we have the added bonus of never having to revisit the phrase "Team Go Diva", which is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. "Plastics" it is.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by a weird didgeridoo sound effect. Oh, and by Gail and this week's guest judge, Sherry Yard, who rules Pastryland in Wolfgang Puck's empire. Gail tells the chefs that their skills will be tested to the limit today, as they tackle the most notoriously fragile dessert there is. Yes, it's souffle time! Yay! They're light, they're airy, and they can deflate if you look at them cross-eyed. The chefs are appropriately nervous. Gail gives them an hour to whip up their souffles, and starts the clock.

Zac talks up the Plastics as he springs into action. The chefs interview about their various tips for achieving a successful souffle. Height, egg whites, and timing all figure into this terrifying enterprise. Zac says he doesn't like traditional souffle, so he's going to make a frozen version, dismissing the other chefs' as boring. Well, sure. Ignoring the entire point of the challenge worked out so well for Heatherc's penny candy dish and Seth's wedding cake. Third time's a charm! Tellingly, nobody claims to have this challenge in the bag. Everyone knows enough about souffles to avoid being overconfident. Dishes are filled, popped into the ovens, and watched like kids at a playground. Time runs out. Zac shouts about the Plastics again.

The chefs approach Gail and Sherry one by one to present their souffles. Danielle's is a lemon and lavender souffle, with a ginger/blueberry compote at the bottom, with honey/creme fraiche ice cream. Well, that didn't take long. It may not be terrifically light and high, but those flavors have won Limecrete's Pick of the Week for Danielle. That thing sounds fucking delicious. Zac talks up his frozen souffle to offset any objections to it not being traditional. It's a Grand Marnier/vanilla bean frozen souffle, with sauteed apples in brown butter in one side dish, and toasted oat streusel with fennel pollen on another. Erika is not happy with her souffle, saying it could have used another thirty seconds in the oven. That's the margin of error? I'm never going to make one of these things. Her souffle is lemon-basil, and is served with a white chocolate raspberry sauce.

Heatherh has a chocolate raspberry souffle with Grand Marnier and dusted with powdered sugar, which is served with a rasberry coulis and Godiva cream. Sherry tells her that a perfect souffle is like a unicorn, in that she's never seen one. Wow, that was kind of bitchy. Gidget tells the judges he's made a beautiful chocolate souffle, with a passion fruit and vanilla bean ice cream. He's made some spirals of hardened chocolate to surround the ice cream, which looks very cool. Morgan's made a gianduja souffle, with some burnt sugar ice cream and a raspberry coulis. Yes! More hazelnut! Less coconut!

Results. Aw, I was hoping to see what Heatherc and Eric came up with. Gail asks Sherry for her bottom three, which kicks off with Erika. Her souffle was too sweet and too heavy. Zac's had no airy qualities, and was dense. Gee, you'd almost think ignoring the challenge intentions doesn't work out well for the chefs! I wonder if they'll ever stumble across that clue. The bottom three ends with Heatherh, whose souffle lacked flavor. Danielle gets in a hilarious and extremely understandable dig at the Plastics, who kicked off the episode snarking about how intimidating they are to the other chefs, and now comprise two-thirds of the Quickfire losers. The top three starts with Morgan, whose souffle had great height and great flavor. Gidget's had height, acid, and good balance. Danielle layered her flavors well. The winner of the challenge is... Gidget. "I feel like this is what should have been happening since the beginning, so I'm finally glad that I'm in the rhythm of the competition, and hopefully, this is the first of many to come," he crows. Why do these weirdos sitting around me like this jerkoff? Are they pod people? I never hear mention of immunity, so I guess it's not offered for this Quickfire.

Elimination Challenge. Gail tells the chefs that Los Angeles Fashion Week is just around the corner, so the chefs will be putting on a fashion event of their own: They will be making edible fashion. Zac has a lot of experience making chocolate dresses, and can't wait to get started. A cart with a bunch of women's shoes is rolled in, and the Plastics react as if they're made of solid gold. Morgan is also pleased, but for more...adult reasons. It's refreshing to see someone own their fetish. The chefs pull cookies to determine the order in which they'll select a pair of shoes for inspiration. Zac disses Danielle's sense of fashion for picking some shiny orange shoes, as if she intends on wearing them to a runway show, and not using them as a basis for her dessert. God, he's annoying. Morgan cradles and fondles his chosen pair, completely checking out of the rest of the process. Heatherc gets stuck with last pick, and is forced to choose some frilly peach-colored shoes.

Gail tells the chefs that their edible outfits should match their shoes. That's not the entire challenge, though. The chefs must also create two petit fours as accessories to their outfits, which will be served to sixty diners, along with the judges. They get thirty minutes and $200 to shop, then eight hours to prep in the Kitchen, and two hours to set up at the event. Shopping. Morgan is still turned on, and peruses spices to give his petit fours the same heat as his sexy shoes. Zac grabs some toilet plungers to use as boob molds. Heatherc's shoes suggest a garden party to her, and she stocks up on vegetables. Gidget disdains her taste, declaring it more of an arts and crafts project than elegance.

Back in the Kitchen, the eight hours of prep begins. Zac brags to the other chefs about his edible fashion experience, but allows in interview that time is short. On the other end of the spectrum is my beloved Eric, who admits that he's not fashionable, and not the least bit interested in fashion. He doesn't have any experience with design, let alone executing that design, and senses disaster in the making. He's giving it the old college try, though, and starts cutting out cookie squares. I just want to pull him in for a big hug. Morgan tells us that there's no getting around the fact that his shoes are fuck-me pumps, so he'll be making "sequins" to accentuate their sexiness. He starts cutting out chocolate circles. Danielle, like Heatherc, is using a lot of plant material for her outfit. Gidget wants to evoke Bjork's swan dress. Heatherh tells the very touching story of being adopted from Korea by a single mother, and how inspirational and wonderful her mother has been. Adorable pictures are shown. Aw.

Johnny comes in and asks the chefs to stop working. Everyone knows this means a twist ahead, which sends an already stressed Eric into full-on panic. Fortunately, there isn't more work to be done. Johnny is just there to announce that the winner of the challenge will win $20,000. That's right, the winner of a single challenge will get a full fifth of the amount the winner of the entire competition will receive. I'm glad that this hefty prize money is for what seems like the most difficult challenge so far, but yowsa. It's still a little wonky. The chefs get back to work, doing the best they can to see around the little dollar signs that have just registered in their eyeballs. Heatherh, still stinging from Morgan's win last week, disdains his "easy" technique of attaching sequins. She's taking the more difficult tack of draping sheets of chocolate. She also doesn't appreciate Morgan's treatment of women in general (intercut with shots of Morgan objectifying his dress form and referring to the female chefs as "darlin'"). I guess there was more to her sore winner tantrum than met the eye last week.

Meanwhile, Heatherc is as happy as I've ever seen her as she attaches leeks and lettuce leaves to her dress form. She cheerfully admits that she was a tomboy, and has little to no idea what being fashionable entails. She sews circles of turnip onto the dress hem, hoping that leaving them out overnight won't ruin the effect. Morgan finishes early, and enjoys twisting the knife in the Plastics' side as they scurry to get their dresses done. He talks up how hot his completed dress is, and though this is where I'd normally attempt to take a self-satisfied boob down a peg or two, he's right. Plus, it's nice to see the Plastics sweat. Erika wants her dress to look like it belongs to a lady that gets a little wild when she's done with work for the day. Time winds down. Eric flails.

The next day, the chefs use their two hours to set up their dresses and get their petit fours done. Heatherc's turnips have dried and wilted, and she has to redesign the bottom of her dress. Zac makes fun of her in interview. Eric continues to struggle, and I continue to want to make it all better for him. Shut up, don't judge me! His dress looks awful, and he knows it. Morgan has a lot of spare time, and makes an extra accessory. The chefs take their completed dresses out to the gallery/dining room, where there are spaces with their names marked off. Eric is embarrassed to have his name attached to his monstrosity of a dress. Morgan happily admits in interview that he'll willingly help out anyone who isn't a threat to his win. He demonstrates this skewed altruism by assisting Heatherc wrap her peppercorn belt around her vegetable dress. Time runs out, and diners stream into the gallery. Zac interviews that it was a great crowd of people.

LabRat: "Meaning that it's all gay men."

Zac goes on to disdain the other chefs' petit fours and bloggers who aren't as classy as the "fashionistas" who have showed up to eat free dessert on camera, then leave. I'll be sure to let you know if there's anyone other than the other Plastics that Zac doesn't disdain. The judges come in to stares from the chefs and other diners. Okay, they're the judges. Not the Greek pantheon. Dannielle is back on the panel this week, along with Gail, Johnny, and Sherry. The judges head for Erika's table first. She describes her inspiration as business-woman-by-day, vixen-by-night. Her dress is gorgeous. The bottom hem is made of cocoa- and raspberry-dusted popcorn, giving it a ruffle effect. The skirt is molding chocolate, and the bustier is chocolate feathers. More popcorn leads up to the neckline. Her petit fours are chocolate earrings (made with raspberry jelly and pistachio mousse), and a chocolate purse (made with lemon milk chocolate ganache and apricot jam). A little mint leaf serves as the purse's clasp. Beautiful. The judges love the dress, but find the petit fours too big, putting a sweet spin on the classic not-an-amuse-bouche argument.

Zac's dress evokes a burlesque warrior. It's very Xena, and I mean that as a compliment. He talks it up further by saying that it's not just an art piece, but could actually be wearable. His petit fours are chocolate/passion fruit/lemongrass "pasties", and a coconut/black tea/pineapple makeup bag. DRINK! Good work all around. His petit fours get fairly positive reviews, though Johnny is left with an unpleasantly sandy aftertaste. Maybe it was that red glitter on top of the makeup bag. Eric does his best to sell his dress as "flirty homemaker". I applaud him for trying to adhere to the challenge, despite not knowing the first thing about it, but let's not pretend his work paid off. The skirt is meant to be a sort of gingham pattern with cookies, and the top is sheets of molding chocolate that he's tried to wrap around the form to create a semblance of clothing. His petit fours are a cherry cheesecake pendant and a chocolate cake and flambeed banana clutch purse. That one sounds good. The judges nail the execution of the sad dress, but enjoy the petit fours.

Heatherc has made a leaf lettuce skirt and leek top (complete with lemon thyme ruffle), with a pink peppercorn belt. Even if it weren't required by the challenge, I can't understand why no dessert materials were included. Surely that's what the judges are looking for. The skirt and top look kind of cute, but the belt is lackluster, and doesn't tie the other two pieces together. Her petit fours are a clutch made of chocolate/caramel/sea salt, and a chocolate fleur-de-lys hairpin. The judges like her caramel, but not much else. Johnny points out that the dress doesn't have a single pastry technique on display. Gidget's ice princess warrior dress is a wraparound of chocolate feathers, dyed blue at the top and green at the bottom. I like the twist he's put on it. That's a literal twist, in that the feathers spiral around, and don't point straight down. His petit fours are a raspberry and pinot noir ice cream hairpin, and an olive oil/citrus cake brooch with a raspberry on top. The judges like the meticulous layering of the dress, but find the petit four flavors flat.

Morgan's little black chocolate sequin dress has a red sequin stripe down the side. The extra chocolate purse accessory sits alongside the shoes, and matches perfectly. His first petit four is a spiced raspberry "ruby ring" bonbon, with the band made of chocolate. It looks awesome. His other petit four is a red hot cinnamon macaron earring. The judges love everything about his work, top to bottom. Heatherh's dress looks the most like real fabric. The top has a line of what looks like lemon cookies, and there's a ruffle made from pasta. Brilliant. Her petit fours are a lemon curd macaron purse with strawberry and pineapple, and a brooch of almond cake and raspberry cream, with passion fruit caviar. Dannielle loves the draping of the dress. Johnny points out that Heatherh's macaron pales in comparison to Morgan's. Ouch. I'm glad I wasn't in the room when she saw this episode air.

We wrap up with Danielle, who is telling one of the guests that she's not much of a shoe girl, usually opting for flip-flops. Heh. Her dress' top is roasted beets and chopped celery, and the skirt is made up of roasted leek leaves. A string of carrot coins forms a necklace, and there is a belt of stringed grapes. It's kind of sad looking, and again, has no whisper of dessert in it. None of the other chefs like the look of it, either. The Plastics giggle nastily over it, and even Eric, who usually refrains from shit-talking, says that he put more effort into his garment than the vegetable dresses. Danielle's petit fours are a red velvet whoopie pie purse and a roasted banana ice cream bonbon watch. Johnny wonders why two of the chefs didn't put any dessert components into their dresses, saying that the show isn't called Top Chef: Just Vegetables. True, but I'd totally watch that show. Sherry thinks the petit fours are overly sweet, and could have used some acid. Service winds down. Erika and Danielle dissuade Morgan from hitting on one of the diners. Heatherh tries to buck up Eric's spirits, but he knows from a quick glance around the room that he is not in good shape.

Interstitial. The chefs describe their nicknames for each other. The only bit of interest is a series of Danielle's cartoon faces, which crack me up.

Fret 'n sweat. Erika wonders what's to become of their dresses. Zac jokes that the judges are eating them one by one, with dressing served out of the shoes for Heatherc's and Danielle's. Gail comes back, and asks to see Gidget, Zac, and Morgan at Judges' Table. They naturally turn out to be the top three. Boo! Erika should have been in there somewhere. That popcorn ruffle was so great! I guess she was sunk by her gigantic petit fours. Chances I'll need the previous sentence again in my lifetime? Slim to none. By the way, Morgan is now limping for some reason. Maybe Seth slashed his leg after he stabbed Heatherc. Gidget's dress was beautiful, elegant, and delicate. Morgan's dress was sexy, and his ring was gorgeous. Zac's warrior woman was a great character and his pasties tasted great. The winner of the challenge, and the $20,000 prize is... Morgan. Yay! He may not be the most gallant man on the planet, but he certainly deserved this win. He's thrilled to win two Elimination Challenges in a row, mostly for the cachet it gives him with the other chefs. Really? I'd like the money. Gail asks the winners to send out the bottom three.

Morgan's win is applauded back in the Kitchen. Even Heatherh seems to be pleased for him. He tells the waiting chefs the unsurprising news that the judges want to see Heatherc, Eric, and Danielle. As the losing chefs trudge out, Gidget and Zac kid-but-not-really about how it sucks that the straight Texan just whipped them in a fashion challenge. Morgan blows them off. Out in the dining room, we hardly even need to hear the problems the judges had with the bottom three dresses, so obvious were the flaws. Eric admits that the process was incredibly difficult, and that he couldn't brush off his sense of panic, which led to all sorts of problems. Heatherc wanted to do something different, but didn't use anything sweet. Her dress didn't match the petit fours at all. Danielle liked her dress, and wanted to show color, texture, and shape. The judges wonder if she lacks the technical skill to pull off showing that through chocolate. She used more inedible material than any other chef, and her watch petit four was too big, and not watch-like. Her whoopie pie purse was a hit, though, and Johnny wishes she had applied the technique she put into that across the entire project. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Danielle disappointed the judges by not applying any of her pastry knowledge to her garment. Her watch was too small, her bonbon was too big, and her dress' skirt looked like it took fifteen minutes. Heatherc's dress looked like a drunken sorority girl made it. Ouch. She came out of her shell enough to take some risks, but the risks didn't pay off. Eric's stress showed in his disastrous dress, but his petit fours had outstanding flavor. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. None of the bottom three succeeded in the visual creativity the judges were looking for. Eric's garment was a total mess. Heatherc chose the easiest materials, and her accessories didn't accesorize. Danielle didn't show any technique, and didn't take any risks. Johnny gives it over to Gail for the chop. Heatherc. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Please pack your tools and go. Whew. I feel bad for her, but I'm relieved that my boy Eric is with us for another week.

In her final interview, Heatherc is a lot cheerier about her elimination this time around, which is heartening. She shrugs that she liked what she did, and she's proud of herself for stepping outside of her comfort zone. She giggles to the waiting chefs that this time, she's gone for real. Heh. She feels like the competition has made her a stronger person, and really enjoyed the experience, especially meeting other chefs who are dedicated to the same work she is. Well, that's sweet. It's certainly nice to have the opportunity to redo one's elimination in order go out on a higher note.

Overall Grade: B-

Flaming Queens

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 4

Previously on Just Desserts: Malika considered fleeing the insanity of the Top Chef house for the lesser insanity of divorce and children. Peanut butter was molded into a double-edged sword. One side of it gently tapped Eric on both shoulders, dubbing him challenge winner, while the other side speared Heatherc's chances of victory. Oh, and Seth's big wad of crazy showed no signs of abating. Nine chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. In addition to the usual spread, a happy accident resulted in not one, but two gooey butter cakes popping up at the party. No, that's okay. I didn't need a waistline, anyway. Next time you stop by St. Louis, be sure to pick up a butter cake of your own. You know, if you hate your arteries and want them to suffer.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Once again, Seth tries to casually explain away his psychotic breakdowns. It's "stress". It's "necessary to being an artist". It's bullshit. Boy just fell out of the crazy tree and hit every branch on the way down. Zac interviews that Seth flips out whenever he encounters difficulty, and difficulty is...kind of the entire point of the competition. A glimmer of self-awareness peeks through when Seth interviews that his biggest weakness is psychological, and that his emotions can drag him down. See, there's hope! Over on the rational end of responding to stress, Malika is carefully weighing the pros and cons of leaving the competition. As she's told us before, all she cares about is cooking and her children, and this experience is handily ruining one of those things. Rather than make any rash decisions, she's going to stick it out for the time being and see how things progress.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Gail and guest judge Gale Gand, an executive pastry chef at some restaurant or other. Gails aplenty! There is also a display of Breyers ice cream set up on the counter. Gail is plainly thrilled to introduce this week's challenge, which will be to make an ice cream sundae. Seth pumps his fist in victory, because as he interviews, he can make some awesome ice cream. It doesn't occur to him that there's a clearly product-placed, specific brand of ice cream sitting right there in front of him, so making his own is probably not in the cards. I guess he's hoping Gail's next announcement will be: "Chefs, we all love Breyers ice cream! Now completely ignore it and do your own thing!" As Gail tries to explain that the sundaes should have a creative twist to them, Seth asks if they get to make their own ice cream. Gail tells him that they will not, and off we go! Please enjoy the Psychotic Meltdown Roller Coaster!

We begin with a gentle climb, as Seth responds to... Well, it's not even a "twist", since the Breyers is an obvious component of the challenge. At any rate, Seth sees this as a setback, and we all know how great he is at handling those! He starts by trying to act amused-but-disappointed, like "Oh, well. Too bad, because I would have kicked your asses had the challenge been exclusively tailored to my strengths." Then he starts rocking back and forth on his feet, his head lolling around in all directions. He starts breathing heavily, like he's about to throw up. He starts muttering to himself and punching the air. Next time he tries to pawn off his insanity on stress, keep in mind that this impending implosion is his response to the fact that he'll be using ice cream provided for him. So stressful!

We get a rare behind-the-scenes look at the show, as the chefs go back to the fret 'n sweat room to wait for the crew to fully set up the challenge, and so that the chefs can ask questions and verify rules with the producers. Why this peek behind the curtain? Because the roller coaster car has reached the top of the hill, and it's time to fall. The chefs clutch paper copies of rules or something as a producer asks if everything's clear, and Seth asks the other chefs if any of them heard that supplies the chefs abandon would become part of the provided supplies in the pantry. They agree, but point out that they also know that the rule was changed later. It seems Seth threw out some paper cups, and the production will not be replacing them. Another minor setback. Down we go! He starts carping at the producers that the paper cups are vital to winning this ice cream sundae challenge, and he's not going to sacrifice his chances in this competition because EVERYONE IN THE WORLD IS AGAINST HIM. We're never going to hear why paper cups would help in an ice cream sundae challenge, and I'd love to hear his loony reasoning behind it.

Zac reports that Seth started screaming and asking for his phone, passport (??), and wallet so that he can leave. Why this is being reported second-hand and isn't being shown is beyond me. Seth stalks out the door, and Yigit takes on that condescending, Disappointed Dad voice that drives me fucking bananas when he admonishes the other chefs to put all this behind them, asking everyone who's sick of Seth's shit to raise their hands. It's unanimous, and he's got good points. I'm just sick of his snide tone. A siren wails in the distance. An ambulance arrives, and Seth is shown flat on the ground. He interviews that he had an anxiety attack, and couldn't catch his breath. He fainted, so 911 was called. Once he's up and spry again, he tells us that the producers have not medically cleared him to compete, so he has to go. Yaaaaaaaaaaay! I never thought I'd see the day!

You have to understand, I don't watch shows where the entire point is to be a crazy asshole. No Survivor. No Big Brother. No Housewives of Such-and-Such. The reality shows I watch involve some sort of merit-based challenges. Who can cook the best? Who can race from this city to this city the fastest? Who can design the best cocktail dress? A fight here and there is fine to keep things spicy, but it's essential that a person be, say, a chef who has temper tantrums, not a tantrum thrower who happens to cook now and then. Seth is completely cuckoo, and while I don't fault the production for letting him in (I'm sure they didn't know how deeply his nuttiness ran), once it became clear that he's unable to function in this arena without falling apart, it became imperative for him to go. Frankly, I wasn't entirely sure the production would do that, either by force or by elimination, and I'm pleased as punch to see that they have their limits. Bye, Seth! Turns out those paper cups were intrinsic to your chances in the competition!

Johnny comes in to talk to the other chefs, and tells them what has happened, hoping that everyone else can get back to the competition at hand. "We want to," Yigit sneers, as if Johnny has been chastising him personally. It's tough to be anti-Yigit at this viewing party, because everyone else here loves him. And if he'd stop responding to everything in a passive-aggressive snip, I could come around on him, too. In the meantime, he desperately needs to shut up. Needless to say, the chefs chatter a lot about Seth's ouster, but all I'll report is that they wish him the best. As long as the best is far, far away from them. I'll drink to that. So... There's this Quickfire. The ice cream sundaes, remember? Each chef pulls a scoop with a ribbon attached to determine the flavor they'll be working with:

Morgan - Mint Chocolate Chip
Yigit - Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
Erika - Chocolate
Zac - Cherry Vanilla
Danielle - Rocky Road
Eric - Natural Vanilla
Heatherh - Vanilla Fudge Twirl
Malika - Cookies & Cream

I'm disappointed not to see my favorite Breyers flavor: Half vanilla bean, half Dutch cocoa. Now there's a sundae I could get behind. And do. The chefs have half an hour to put their creations together, and the winner gets some sweet, sweet immunity. Ready? Go!

Chefs scatter. Eric's not entirely down with the whole wacky sundae idea, and hopes that sticking to good flavor will pull him through. Malika is reminded via Seth's flameout that things could be a whole lot worse, and decides to just have fun with it. Morgan tells us that Sunday is the day he gets to spend with his son, so he's throwing together all of the kid's favorites, from the mint chocolate chip ice cream to Oreos. Yigit hopes to incorporate the flavors he knows from Turkey into a very American kind of ice cream. Time winds down, and the Gails enter. They need to pull Gael Greene in from Top Chef: Masters and just go all out on the Gail party. Rather than the judges going down the line, the chefs bring their sundaes up one by one. Maybe everyone was allowed to keep things chilled while they waited their turn.

Zac has a "Black Forest is burning" sundae with deep-fried, panko-battered cherry vanilla ice cream. Erika has made chocolate banana s'mores, with a frangelico sundae. Morgan actually chokes up a bit when he describes the inspiration for his sundae. He's got an Oreo, mint chocolate chip ice cream sandwich alongside a glass of chocolate milk. It looks good, and makes me wish I were a bigger fan of mint. Eric has topped his vanilla ice cream with sauteed peaches, brandy, and a brown sugar/butter crisp. Yigit has a chocolate chip cookie dough sundae with peanut butter and s'mores. Dude really likes his marshmallow. Danielle has done a layered sundae that's half rocky road, half Neapolitan, with toasted almonds and meringue.

Results. Wait, "results"? At the viewing party, I clearly remember seeing Heatherh present her sundae, because she had that cute little ice cream ribbon tied in her hair. And I remember Danielle interviewing about how she wanted to open an ice cream shop of her own. Where's that footage? I'm recapping this from the iTunes broadcast, and if they're chopping out sections of the show I'm actually paying to rewatch, I'm going to be mad.

The bottom three starts off with Eric, whose sundae may have tasted fine, but was too simple. Danielle's Neapolitan reference didn't come through. Erika's sundae was too standard. In other words, everyone's sundae was delicious, and they had to split hairs to get a bottom three. Now, to the top three. Zac's idea to use panko was extremely creative. Yigit's combination of ganache and sauce was "fun to eat", and Morgan had nice, contrasting textures and temperatures. The winner of the challenge and immunity is... Morgan. He tears up again in interview about how great it is to have someone like his sundae as much as his son hopefully would. Well, that's sweet.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be split into three teams of three, which will be difficult with eight chefs. Gail announces that someone will be rejoining them to fill Seth's spot. The chefs all turn towards the door, and Heatherc appears, back in and ready to win! The chefs all clap happily, including the ones who practically socked her in the jaw last week. I wonder how they were able to get her back so quickly. Maybe there was a long lag between Quickfire and Elimination so they could reinstate her. She interviews that she went home too early to show her strengths, and she's happy she's gotten this second chance. She's still got that bandage on her forehead.

LabRat: "That's why Seth had to leave. He stabbed her in the face."

Morgan, Yigit, and Zac get to be team captains, since they were the top three of the Quickfire. The teams shake out to be:

Morgan/Heatherh/Eric
Yigit/Erika/Danielle
Zac/Malika/Heatherc

Once again, it takes little to no effort to decide which team I'm rooting for. More missing footage of how Morgan picked his team because they have varying strengths. I'm amazed I'm able to peer through the wine haze and screaming viewing party members to pull these missing bits out of my ass four days later. Go, me! Gail tells the chefs that they'll be attending a performance by a local troupe of performance artists, who are fine, but basically a third-rate version of Cirque de Soleil. The chefs will be drawing experience from the show to make their desserts, which will be served at a party for the troupe members and guests. Each team must present something flaming. At this point, Gail makes sure to spell out that she means the food must be on fire, lest things get super gay in here. Each team must also put forth a magnificent showpiece dessert. Something that will wow the eye. Everyone on the team is responsible for putting his or her own stamp on an individual dessert. As Gail sends everyone on their way, Eric interviews about how overwhelming the challenge is. Yeah, it's a lot to get done.

That night, the chefs take in the show. Just think of the first thing that pops into your head when I say "fire clowns". Whatever you're thinking? That's the show. Once it's over, the chefs head back to the Kitchen to plan their menus. Heatherh volunteers to do the showpiece for her team. Morgan shrugs in interview about how she's free to do it, though it's risky, because if it doesn't come out perfectly, she can't depend on immune team leader Morgan to take the fall. Meanwhile, Heatherc has not magically acquired the communication skills she lacked when she got eliminated. She's still having trouble figuring out her dessert, which does not make Zac happy. He interviews that she cannot function as an individual, which is part of the reason she got eliminated in the first place. True that.

Once the planning is done, the chefs have four hours to prep. Heatherh gives us the additional info that the showpiece must be at least two feet tall, and there must be three additional desserts, plus a flaming dessert. Team themes and menus are discussed. The themes are dumb, and we'll see the menus later, so let's skip it. Whee, I'm drunk with power! Zac is in charge of his team's showpiece, and asks someone to press his face hard into a bed of brown sugar to make a mold. I'll do it! He fills the mold with chocolate, and when it hardens, pops the face out. Okay, that's neat; he did a good job with that. Heatherc's meringues dry out, and she has to work hard to keep from freaking out. Malika interviews that she wishes Heatherc could pull it together, since they're in the midst of a team challenge. Jeez. Now that Seth's gone, other people's issues are coming to the fore pretty damn fast.

The next morning, Malika calls home. Hearing her kids probably doesn't do her any favors in the keep-my-head-in-the-game department. Speaking of problems in that area, Heatherc mopes on the couch in her sunglasses. Morgan goes over to talk to her, and she tells him that there's no joy in this experience for her. I feel weird defending Malika for having those feelings and rolling my eyes when Heatherc says basically the exact same thing. The key difference being if Heatherc was so unhappy being in the competition, why did she come back? Why not just say "Thanks, but no thanks. I'm going to head home to my loving fiancee," and leave it at that? What's the point of leaping back into the fray if all you're going to do is complain about how much you hate it, and by the way, drag all your teammates down with you? Heatherh feels pretty much the same way, but while I'd just seethe silently, she out-and-out takes Heatherc to task for wasting her second chance so frivolously. She tells Heatherc that she's letting her teammates down, and that she's being a spoiled brat, closing by telling Heatherc's retreating figure that she needs to suck it up. More missing footage. Something about how you can't get all down in the dumps about possibly being eliminated, because everyone's going to be eliminated except one person. Good (missing) point.

Over at the fire clown performance space, the chefs have two hours to set up. Showpieces are built. Yigit's team is still putting theirs together when guests start streaming in. In the final few moments, everyone hysterically plates their desserts. The fire clowns put on a show for the judges and guests. A lady spins around in a leather sling.

LabRat: "Big deal. I've got one of those in my basement."

The chefs do their best to stay focused on plating while people are twirling fire batons and swallowing swords two feet away. Once the show is over, the judges head for the dessert tables. Along with Gail, Gale, and Johnny, Hubert Keller is back on the panel this week. We begin with Morgan/Heatherh/Eric. Heatherh presents the showpiece, which is a giant chocolate sphere atop a pillar, with what looks like some spun sugar ribbons. Morgan has made mango panna cotta, with an acai fluid gel, and passion fruit sorbet. Heatherh has whipped up a triple chocolate chai tea mousse torte. Eric has made a lemon caramel roulade, with pomegranate sauce and candied kumquats. Isn't this the third or fourth dish we've seen with candied kumquats so far this season? Sounds like it needs inclusion into the drinking game. The team's flaming dessert is an almond cream, with spiced cherry flambe cooked in star anise. Tasting. Heatherh's showpiece is well-crafted, and Morgan's dish is visually stunning. The judges guess that Eric's sideways roulade is about as wacky as he's prepared to get, and add that Heatherh's torte is very pleasant. Missing footage of star anise seeds being found and spit out.

Zac/Malika/Heatherc. Zac admits that none of them has experience with showpieces, and it shows. It's just a collection of glittery chocolate shapes, although it's set off nicely by the face mold. His individual dessert is a banana creme fraiche cake with a red curry frosting, and handily takes the Limecrete Pick of the Week. I would love to know what that tastes like. Heatherc has made pineapple spiced with black pepper, and serves it with chocolate sorbet and meringue shards. Malika has infused a panna cotta with saffron, and serves it with feuilletine crunch and candied ginger.

Tiffany: "Feuilletine Crunch sounds like a wrestling move."

Their flaming dessert is a play off of Zac's Black Forest Quickfire entry, and is composed of dark chocolate creme fraiche cake, with flambeed cherries. Tasting. The showpiece nicely evokes the burlesque aesthetic of the event. Heatherc's plate is somewhat tepid, and the flavors don't interplay well. Malika's panna cotta is excellent, and far and away the best thing she's made so far. Zac's cake is creative, and the flavors work surprisingly well together. The flaming dessert works well, too. Missing footage of a Celine Dion lookalike chomping down in the background. You don't forget shit like that. Seriously, how much did they cut out of this episode?

Yigit/Danielle/Erika. Their showpiece is a sculpture made of towering circles with the centers cut out, overlaid with chocolate discs. It's pretty. Danielle has made a chocolate mousse cake, with basil ice cream, and chocolate shards. Yigit has made a creme fraiche and sweet lime Bavarian, with a Tonka bean and sweet lime sorbet. Erika has made an almond ice cream bar, with roasted pineapple on top. The flaming dessert is an almond citrus mirliton that has been flambeed with bourbon. The team idiotically decided to flambe all of their desserts before the judges arrived at the table, so they've got no actual fire to show off. Tasting. The showpiece shows a good translation from their inspiration. Danielle's cake is too dense, and the ice cream could use more basil. Erika's dessert is served at the perfect temperature, and the pineapple gives off good acidity. Yigit's dessert is totally girly, which the judges mean as a compliment. The fact that the flaming dessert was ablaze for everyone but the judges (and us) is disappointing.

As service winds down, Morgan notices that Heatherh has slipped into a moody funk for seemingly no reason. Heatherc is similarly blue. She interviews that she feels like Zac is just waiting to savage her at Judges' Table, and that she's squandering her second chance.

Limecrete: "She is totally going home."
LabRat: "Yeah. You can't have two Heathers."
Limecrete: "You can in the movie Heathers."

Interstitial. Eric is zen. The other chefs find it refreshing, because really, have you seen the other chefs?

Fret 'n sweat. Heatherc tells Zac and Eric that she doesn't know if she can handle another Judges' Table. What, may I ask, did she think coming back to the competition would entail? She strikes me as a perfectly nice woman, but she just doesn't seem to get it. "It" meaning "anything". Gail enters, and summons the Morgan/Heatherh/Eric team to Judges' Table. Once they're gone, Yigit sneers "We put so much more work into our showpiece, I'm sorry. It's bullshit. That's all I have to say." I've got it! I know why he keeps rubbing me the wrong way. The snide tone, the condescension, the rampant sense of entitlement... Yigit is Gretchen Weiners. Happily, he won't be making "fetch" happen tonight, because Morgan, Heatherh, and Eric have won the day. Yay!

Morgan's dessert was the best he's made so far. It was delicious and stunning. Heatherh's textures were spot-on, and her showpiece worked well with the theme of the evening. Eric is becoming more comfortable creating multi-layered desserts, and presented a lovely roulade. Gale gets to announce tonight's individual winner, and it is... Morgan. No longer can I wax intellectual about the rarity of people sweeping both challenges in an episode, because it seems to happen more and more these days. Heatherh sucks a lemon. Morgan is pleased to win, but realizes he'd better enjoy the thrill of victory while it lasts.

Curiously, his win is not applauded back in the Kitchen. There isn't really time to dwell on it, though, because Heatherh immediately snipes "You're WELCOME, Morgan," passive-aggressively, even though he hasn't even had time to really say anything. Then she shit-talks him with Yigit, saying that Morgan had time to concentrate on his plate, but Heatherh didn't get enough credit for single-handedly tackling the showpiece plus doing a plated dessert of her own. And perhaps that's true, but I have limited sympathy for people who whine at Winners' Table. You're one step closer to the grand prize. Morgan didn't get anything for winning the challenge. Practically, you've done as well as you can do, save a temporary sense of fleeting glory. Plus, it's not like Morgan took undeserved credit for anything. If she's going to bitch about somebody, it should be the judges. I could understand if she went into interview and said "I think I deserved the win, based on how much work I put into the set of desserts that ultimately put us on top," but to sit in the Kitchen and bitch at Morgan just comes off as sour grapes. I like Heatherh, but gracious, she is not.

Gail comes back to the Kitchen, and says that because there were hits and misses on both other teams, the judges would like to speak to everyone else. Oh, so they'd like to ignore team structure so that they can eliminate anyone they'd like. Thanks a lot, past precedent. The judges want to start with Yigit/Danielle/Erika. Why they even needed to speak with this team separately is a mystery, because all they want to mention is the fact that the flaming dessert wasn't lit in front of the judges. That's literally it. Riveting! The team goes back to the Kitchen so that Zac/Malika/Heatherc can come out for their drubbing. Zac's banana bread gets almost unanimously positive feedback. Gael says that it looked a little punched out, but it's a minor quibble. Malika gets similar praise. Everyone loved her panna cotta. But!

Before the judges can move on to what seems like Heatherc's certain doom, Malika intercedes, and asks the judges to eliminate her. This season is so fucking crazy. This contestant's too crazy to compete! This one got eliminated, came back, and can barely function anymore! This one wants to quit! The desserts are almost tangential at this point. Gail asks Malika if she sure that's what she wants, given that everyone loved her plate. Malika is certain that she wants to leave, rather than watching anyone whose heart is set on winning cut in her place. Gail sighs, and tells her that in that case, she can go back to the Kitchen and pack up her tools.

In her final interview, Malika says that she loves cooking, but has learned along the way that when she's in a competitive environment, she downright hates it. I can understand. I love cooking, too. It's fun, soothing, and is useful in terms of health and saving money. But if someone came along and told me to cook on a strict time limit with crazy competitors screaming in my face and demoralizing judging sessions, I'd high-tail it out of there, too. Back in the Kitchen, she tells the other chefs that she didn't think it was fair for her to continue without really wanting it. Good on her. I know I should be all "What did she think this was going to be like?" but we clearly have our answer, which is "Something else". I've got nothing but respect for her.

Overall Grade: B

Tastes Like Teen Spirit

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 3

Previously on Just Desserts: Seth flew over the cuckoo's nest. His crazy bloviating overshadowed Erika, who quietly accepted her win, and Tim, who quietly accepted his defeat. Ten chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. Once again, I didn't have enough time to lovingly craft a dessert in my kitchen. Once again, I substituted an unimpressive, yet welcome store-bought treat, in this case Double-Stuf Oreos. Once again, my contribution was blown away by something else at the viewing party. If you haven't had Zettie's Confections, order some now. They pretty much turn a bad day into a good one instantly. I'm going to have to really step up my game if that Almond Butter Toffee Crunch keeps showing up at the party.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Seth demonstrates yet more insanity, by asserting all of the following things within a single sentence:

1) Nobody here understands me.
2) I had a big series of meltdowns.
3) I'm not sure how to convince the other chefs that I'm not a huge, nutty asshole.
4) I don't care if I alienate everyone around me.
5) I'm going to cook in my own style, and thus totally dominate the rest of the competition. [This after cooking in his own style and falling to the bottom of two consecutive challenges].

So... Everyone else knows what you're about, but they don't understand you, but it doesn't matter because you don't care if they like you, but you wonder what it'll take to make them trust you again. How about a frontal lobotomy to start? Meanwhile, Eric is pleased to have done well in the last Elimination Challenge, especially given his mini inferiority complex as a baker in a room full of lah-dee-dah pastry chefs. He knows to enjoy the feeling of being lauded while it lasts, because you never know what's around the bend in this competition.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Gail and this week's guest judge, Sylvia Weinstock, who's a big wheel in the wedding cake industry. I've seen her pop up on television before, and heartily enjoy her, although I can't disagree with Tiffany that her giant glasses make her look like Mr. Magoo's wife. Unsurprisingly, today's Quickfire will be to make a wedding cake. Of course, most wedding cakes take days -- if not weeks -- to put together, so the chefs will need a leg up if this season is to end before I can collect Social Security. So, even though the chefs only have an hour and a half, they're helped by the fact that the base sheet cakes are already done for them. No baking necessary. So basically, this is a filling/frosting/decorating challenge. Winner gets immunity. Ready? Go!

Everyone stocks up on cake. Malika doesn't have experience with wedding cakes, and is just making up her approach as she goes along. Heatherc just got engaged, and feels like she has an advantage, because she's been so surrounded by wedding cakes lately. She explains that the two traditional routes to take as far as covering them are fondant and buttercream. Our viewing party agrees that fondant can be molded into very beautiful forms, but isn't much to write home about, taste-wise. Heatherc promises that soaking the cake layers in syrup before adding fondant helps add flavor. Danielle is the Shark to Heatherc's Jet, saying that as far as taste goes, buttercream blows fondant out of the water. Seth, like Malika, doesn't have any experience with wedding cakes. Unlike Malika, he's not even going to attempt anything. He says he's just going to make a little plated dessert and call it an "engagement cake". I'm sure that'll end well for him, just like ignoring the penny candy in the penny candy Quickfire worked out so well for Heatherc. Danielle hears him explaining his approach to the crew, and a look of pure disgust takes over her face. She hilariously interviews that Seth's "style" doesn't include cupcakes or chocolate or wedding cakes, so she's not really sure what he's ever done. Ha!

Erika soothingly talks to her stand mixer, while Morgan enthusiastically encourages his. Heh. I love the idea that mixers are like recalcitrant pets or children that must be nagged or bribed into cooperating. Heatherh tells us that she made her own wedding cake, and is fairly confident, though the time limit is giving her some worry. Zac duhs for the slower members of the audience that wedding cakes have to be structurally sound as you build them higher and higher. Eric is horrified to realize that the cakes he selected were the biggest ones, and he isn't sure he's made enough icing to cover them. Malika's frosting is melting by the second, and there's not enough time to firm it up. Decorations start going on, but with the mad panic to get done in time, a lot of them are subpar. Malika's second layer is off-center, and when she decides to pull it off, it drags a chunk of the bottom layer with it. Oof. She hurries to refrost it, and as she does, Morgan carps at her for shaking the table, calling her "Shaky". She's in no mood for his sack of bullshit, and curtly tells him that if he'd like to talk to her, he's welcome to call her "Malika". Morgan backs off. Eric is unhappy with the way something is going, and lets out a stream of cursing that necessitates a full, three-second bleep. Time runs out.

Gail and Sylvia go down the line. As she waits, an unhappy Malika begins to leak some tears. Seth attempts to comfort her, but as with last week, Malika wants nothing to do with him, and hurriedly tells him she's fine so he'll go away. "I cannot control the tears," she interviews. Or perhaps: "I cannot control the tiers," she interviews. The judges start with Heatherc, who's done a white cake with vanilla simple syrup and a Nutella buttercream. Wait, I thought she was going to use fondant instead of buttercream? Maybe it's just her snowflake decorations that are made of fondant. Eric's traditional cake has pistachio buttercream and an apricot brandy filling. Zac's cake has toasted meringue on the outside, and includes fruit of the forest jam with chocolate ganache. It's really ugly. Malika's mood does not improve, because as she waits, her cake starts disintegrating. A big chunk of it has fallen onto the table. Erika's made a very pretty mocha cake with a Kahlua buttercream. Danielle's cake is spearmint green. It's got a cream cheese and lemon filling with strawberries and pistachios.

Seth tells Gail and Sylvia that he doesn't know how to make tiered cakes, so he's trying to pass off a little "engagement" cakelette. I don't know which is weirder: The fact that inexperience with tiered cakes shouldn't make a huge difference when the tiers are provided for you, or that Seth's Quickfire offering is clearly not what anyone has in mind when it comes to wedding cakes, yet he's almost proud of what he's made, rather than dissolving into a puddle of crazy tears. Wouldn't a meltdown here make more sense than one where his mommy's red hots didn't make it onto the plate? I suppose I should mention his cakelette's ingredients. It's a caramel chocolate mousse with Marsala apricot jam, and absinthe honey. As he crows about it being his favorite dish of the competition so far, the other chefs cringe at each other in embarrassment for him. Sylvia tells him he should have at least made an effort. Yigit has made a passion fruit, vanilla, and lime soaked cake, with vanilla orange Diplomat cream [basic pastry cream -- as found in cream puffs, etc.] and raspberries. Heatherh's cake is gorgeous. It's got lemon and orange zest incorporated into the buttercream, and is served with either raspberry or strawberry sauce.

Morgan has an Italian cream cake, with coconut rum syrup, cream cheese icing, and toasted pecans. Another delightful sounding cake ruined by coconut! I feel like there's a drinking game in there somewhere. Malika tries to rotate her cake so the damaged part isn't so obvious. When Gail and Sylvia approach, she begins crying anew. Heatherh, still raw from Seth's feelings exploding all over the wall last week, can't understand why these other chefs are so frigging emotional. Malika manages to explain through her tears that her cake has a coconut custard inside, infused with cardamom, vanilla, raspberry jam...

Tiffany: "And now my snot."

Sylvia and Gail try to be encouraging as they take a taste, saying that it's a learning opportunity for Malika. That seems to pep her up a bit. Results. Two of the bottom three are no surprise. Seth made no effort to adapt his style to fit the challenge, and Malika's cake practically committed suicide. It didn't, though, because as Sylvia reminds her, it's just a cake, not death. Eric rounds out the bottom three for his uneven layers and sloppy icing. He's horribly embarrassed. Now, to the top three. Erika's cake was delicious, and had nice decorative work. Morgan's cake was clean and lovely, and had a great filling. Heatherh's cake was delicate and elegant. The winner of the Quickfire and its precious immunity is... Erika. She's just as quietly pleased about it as her Elimination win. Heatherh comes off as a sore loser, interviewing that Erika's cake wasn't as aesthetically pleasing as it should be.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be split into two teams, and instead of the traditional knife block, they draw fake cookies from a cookie jar. Gee, I can't imagine why they feel they're not taken as seriously as savory chefs. The two teams are designated as "Glee" and "Pep" and shake out as follows:

Glee: Zac, Seth, Yigit, Danielle, and Heatherc
Pep: Morgan, Malika, Eric, Erika, and Heatherh

So, everyone I've ever chided for being an attention whore, kind of dumb, or a giant pile of crazy is on one team, while everyone I've ever expressed admiration, attraction, or sympathy for is on the other. Which team shall I root for, I wonder? Yeah, I think I'll be pulling for Pep. The team designations make more sense when the glee club and pep squad from a local high school come bounding in. I was about to winkingly critique the respective song and cheer they introduce themselves with, but then remembered my orchestral and acting performances from high school, and decided to give everyone a cheery pass. Hooray for everyone! The glee club is hoping to raise money for a trip to New York, while the pep squad would love to go to cheerleading camp. In order to rack up the funds necessary, the chefs will be squaring off in a good old fashioned bake sale. Ooh, good idea! Heatherh agrees, as a hilarious and adorable picture of her playing the harp as a kid is shown.

The chefs will have three hours to prep in the Kitchen, and thirty minutes to prep on-site at the high school. The school will be giving out 490 tickets, each worth a dollar, and the school community will vote for their favorite treat with their ticket. Got it? Every chef has to make something, and the winning team will score five-thousand dollars. Nice! Heatherh calls the prize money "icing on the cake". Boo! Bad pun! That'll be in the drinking game, too. The teams split up to plan their menus, trying to strike a balance between desserts that will appeal to high school kids, yet be refined enough for the judges. Zac assigns himself and his teammates to various high school cliques. It's not interesting enough to go into detail.

Yigit warns his teammates that the dishes must be kid-friendly, which gives Seth a fabulous idea. Why not make financiers? You know, those cakes meant for the French banking district? That'll wow those kids! I love how in Seth's world, "staying true to my style" gets translated as "completely ignore everything that's being asked of me if it doesn't fall directly into my extremely narrow comfort zone." Heatherc wants to make whoopie pies, but Danielle tells her that since Yigit is incorporating marshmallow, that would be marshmallow overload. Danielle advises her to make some sort of cookie instead. Heatherc attempts to work herself up to a point where she could insist on making something she feels comfortable with, but pusses out. She wants to be a team player, and agrees to make peanut butter cookies. Zac cautions her to do something interesting with them, like dipping them in chocolate.

Prep work begins. On the Pep side of the Kitchen, Erika's making a chocolate chip walnut cookie that she's been selling since she was a kid to hustle spare change from her classmates. Heh. Eric plans on a peanut butter Rice Krispie treat, because any bake sale that doesn't include some kind of Rice Krispie treat should be hurled into the sun. The rest of the menu is outlined, but we'll get to that when the desserts are actually presented. When Eric goes to get peanut butter, he discovers that Heatherc has taken the entire Kitchen's supply. As he and Erika discuss other options, Heatherc grins to the camera that she's trying to protect herself and her team. Zac eggs her on by reminding her that it's a competition, so I guess anything goes. Morgan hears this, and plots a quick revenge. He goes back to the refrigerator and takes every stick of butter, telling the other team that they're welcome to trade for some peanut butter at any time.

Eric, while not giving a hearty endorsement of this tactic, appreciates his teammate sticking up for him. Zac gets pissy because Morgan took a staple, rather than a specialty ingredient. Oh, but Zac. It's a competition, remember? Heatherc, who three seconds ago told us that she was protecting herself and her teammates, swears up and down that she wasn't trying to keep others from having access to her ingredient, and gives up her extra peanut butter to Eric. Thus the butter embargo works, and though I feel like I should disapprove of what Morgan just did, I frankly found it quite awesome. Though Eric now has access to the precious peanut butter, there's not enough to complete his recipe, so Heatherh suggests making a mixture of peanut butter and Nutella. Seth's teammates work overtime at keeping him calm and focused, actively trying to prevent him from... I don't know, stripping off his clothes and running around Kitchen yelling "I am Mary, Queen of Scots!" while flinging poo at his competitors. He's a little calmer than usual, but focused he is not, accidentally adding coffee to his batter instead of vanilla. So now it's a French coffee financier, which I heard is all the rage in high schools across the nation.

Johnny drops by to Ptimewaste. It's pointless, as usual. Nice to see that in this topsy-turvy world, there is some constancy. Time begins to run down. Seth robotically yells "Hot! Hot! Hot!" as he strides through the Kitchen with a scorching pan. He is exhausting. Heatherc's peanut butter cookies are just that. She has done absolutely nothing to take them in some sort of risky or interesting direction. Time runs out. Yigit posits that his team's desserts have more elegance, even if the other team made more bake sale appropriate items. Well, then it's a good thing the challenge winner isn't being determined by customers at a bake sale. Except for the part where it totally is.

Back at the lofts, Malika has time to stew over how she feels about cooking in this environment. Her restaurant just closed, and she's still in the process of a divorce, so this stressful, degrading experience is really tearing her down. She considers leaving the show. Normally, I'd be fairly unsympathetic to someone who thinks a televised reality contest will be all hearts and flowers, but I get what she's saying. She thought she'd distract herself, challenge herself, get her name out there, and maybe hone her pastry skills, and instead has found herself in a place where she's unhappy with everything she makes, and is forced to interact with a screaming kook. I don't really blame her for having doubts. Meanwhile, Morgan and Seth are re-forming their manly, heterosexual bond. Seth is ready to blow the doors off this motherfuckin' pastry competition, yo!

The next day, the chefs hurry into the gym at the high school for their half hour of setup. After some frantic cutting and plating, the sale begins. Everyone gets to taste the desserts before voting with their tickets, which I'm happy to hear. We wouldn't want the winner to be the dish that appeared to be the best, and turned out to suck. Malika thrives when she's surrounded by excited children, and it's nice to see her mood improve. I don't know why I feel so protective of her, but there it is. The glee club and pep squad enter. Morgan tells the cheerleaders that they win if the Pep team wins, so they should get out there and help sell. Heh. Way to turn the Cheerleader Allure to your advantage. Seth plates at the back of his team, not wanting to interact with the kids, because he says he'll curse too much. While limiting his access to American youth is an excellent idea, I don't think asking him to pull himself together for two hours is overreaching, so let's go ahead and toss Talking To Potential Customers on the ever-growing hill of things Seth refuses to attempt.

Treats are dispersed. Tickets are collected. The judges come in to sample everything. In addition to Gail, Johnny, and Sylvia, Dannielle is back on the panel this week. Johnny is wearing a print shirt that he can't quite get away with. The Pep team is up first. Erika's made the aforementioned chunky chocolate chip walnut cookie, and tells the judges that this is the perfect opportunity to share an old family recipe with the community. Eric's peanut butter Rice Krispie treats have the Nutella mixed in, as promised, with a chocolate glaze on top. Morgan's black-and-white cupcakes have vanilla bean icing on cake, with milk chocolate cocoa nibs on top. Malika has fudge brownies with toffee. Anything with toffee can pretty much coast to Limecrete's Pick of the Week with little effort. Heather's made a sandwich cookie, with powdered sugar-dusted butter cookies on the outside, and chocolate and dulce de leche cream on the inside. A raspberry perches atop each one. Tasting. Erika's cookie is well-baked.

LabRat: "Not unlike the judges."

Eric's Rice Krispie treats have great texture. Malika's brownies also get positive reviews on that front. A kid with frosting smeared all over his face compliments Morgan's cupcakes. Off to the Glee team. Zac has strawberry shortcake, with rainbow sprinkles on top. I can't hear the phrase "strawberry shortcake" without thinking of that outrageous hat. Zac could have sold the shit out of his desserts if he had one of those. Heatherc has made a peanut butter cookie. There's literally nothing more to say about it. Yigit has made chocolate caramel pudding, with the "tiniest hint of ginger", some hazelnut crumbles, and bits of marshmallow. And bits is right. There's only a few little fluffs of it in each serving, and certainly not any amount that should have discouraged Heatherc from going with her whoopie pie idea, lest the gym be swallowed in a giant vat of marshmallow. Danielle has coconut cupcakes with salted caramel buttercream. DRINK! Seth's mocha financier with orange creamcicle sauce will surely be the talk of the prom. Oddly, the pink goo that Seth's been shown multiple times scooping out into shot glasses is never mentioned. It doesn't show up in the descriptions of anyone's dessert, and it's never judged. Weird.

Tasting. The school community seems to like Zac's shortcake, but the judges find it dense. Yigit's pudding leans heavy on the ginger. Seth's dessert has no place in a bake sale. Danielle's icing is good, but her cake is dry. Heatherc's cookie is fine, but extremely simple. The judges head off to tally the tickets. Results. It's a close race, with only ten dollars separating the winners from the losers. The Glee team has raised $240. A bunch of time meant to build suspense passes before the Pep team's number is announced. Of course, if they wanted to build suspense, they probably should have refrained from telling us at the beginning of the challenge that $490 worth of tickets were handed out. Indeed, the Pep team makes up the difference with $250, winning the challenge and sending the pep squad to cheerleading camp. Yaaaaay!

Phooey: "Figures. The popular kids get it again."

Top Chef is only heartless to its own competitors, so Gail announces that both teams are getting a zero added to their totals so that both school groups can go on their trips, free of charge. Nice! Not only that, but the show is donating five-thousand dollars to the school itself. That's super-sweet, although I wonder what happened to the five-thousand dollars that was promised to the winning team, as you'll note it's never mentioned again. This episode will not win any awards for editing, I fear.

Interstitial. Morgan charms the high school girls. Fortunately, it's a lot less skeevy than it sounds.

Fret 'n sweat. In Seth's case, it's more of a Freak 'n Shriek. The losing team waits in the back as the glorious winning team walks out to Judges' Table to collect their accolades. Yaaaay! Eric tells the judges that the five of them worked really well as a team. Gail tells them that the individual winner came down to three desserts. Eric's Rice Krispie treat was mature, well-layered, had a great glaze, and elevated a bake sale classic. Malika's brownies are complimented, and she gives credit for the base recipe to Eric, saying that she put her own twist on it to come up with the final product. Erika's giant cookie was the ultimate. Sylvia chirps about wanting the recipe. Gail allows Sylvia to announce the challenge winner, who turns out to be... Eric. Yaaaay! His teammates swarm him for a hug. After the celebration, Gail asks the victors to send out the losing team. Eric's win is applauded in the Kitchen before the Pep team sends the Glee team out to face the music. Get it?!?!?! Sorry, that was terrible. Although it does give you another opportunity to DRINK!

Once the losing team is lined up, Gail asks how working as a team went. Danielle answers that it went...er...better than expected. Ha! Subtle. Nobody misses that her tone drips with the notion that they somehow managed to get dessert plated without Seth imploding. She doesn't hint for long, though. She leaps right in and says that Seth didn't pull his weight, as far as interacting with the kids. Zac defends Seth by saying he did pull his weight, because Seth plated everyone's desserts. Danielle is a little lonely out on her limb, and Seth looks for validation by asking Yigit how he (Seth) did as a teammate. Yigit doesn't quite give him the answer he wants, saying that Seth was fine at the sale, but not exactly a paragon of virtue during the planning and prep.

Heatherc agrees that the team was disorganized in the planning session, bringing up the fact that she originally wanted to do something different. Yigit jumps down her throat, saying she wasn't forced into doing anything. That's true, and she should have stuck to her guns on her original idea, but she brought this whole thing up as an example of the team's massive failure to plan the menu effectively, and on that point, she's right. Heatherc's not assertive enough to say this, and just stammers. Seth spills a real gem out of his barrel of crazy, seething that someone's got to go home, so why can't they stand at Judges' Table and act honorably? Why, oh why, can't they be the pinnacle of maturity and grace, like he's trying to be? Hahahahaha! That was hilarious. Everyone continues to pile on Heatherc. I don't think she'd be able to order a pizza without inciting a mob riot. The entire team is seriously about a half-second away from a throttling each other, and the judges have asked one question. Dannielle reminds them that they haven't even mentioned the food yet. Snerk.

Finally, they get into the desserts, though that seems strange on a show entitled Top Chef: Just Paranoid Schizophrenics. Seth felt his financier would open up a wonderful new world to the students. Johnny nails him on this, telling him that he's got to get it out of his mind that his role is to educate the public. He needs to focus on making delicious food that makes people happy. Snap! He allows that the cake turned out perfectly, and Seth gives himself a little "Yes!" victory clap before Johnny reminds him that as a bake sale dessert, it was inappropriate. All Seth can hear is the waves of adulation coming from the voices inside his head. Heatherc's cookie was boring and uninspired. Yeah. She should have insisted on making the whoopie pie, but if she felt she had to make the cookie to get along with her team, she could have at least done something to it. Danielle enjoyed her own cupcake, but the judges found the cake dry. Zac's shortcake was fairly good, but sloppy and dense. Yigit admits his ginger had quite a kick, which is interesting, since he described it earlier as "the tiniest hint of ginger". Johnny tells him his pudding was the least popular dessert of the team. Yigit is not happy to hear that. The chefs are dismissed, and I take heart in the fact that there's no way I can be disappointed by tonight's elimination. Hell, chop all five of them.

Deliberations/Screaming. Deliberations first. Dannielle hilariously opens by opining that the losing team was kind of a dysfunctional group. Yep. And the Atlantic Ocean is the tiniest bit moist. Yigit's dessert had way too much ginger, and the crowd found it totally unappealing. Zac's biscuit texture was off. Dannielle continues the laughs by saying that the judges could almost taste the resentment in Heatherc's cookie. Ha! Well done. I may be coming around on Dannielle. Johnny says that Seth never plays it safe and stretches his limits. Um, I think there's a difference between risk-taking and challenge-ignoring, but whatever. Just as I think that, Gail essentially says the same thing. Johnny takes Danielle to task for "staying true to herself" to the detriment of the dessert, even though he just praised Seth for the exact same thing. The judges reach a decision.

During all of this talk, the losing team seethes in the back. Heatherc tries to explain herself. It does not go well. I want to feel bad for her, but her inability to get the simplest ideas across drives me up the wall. On the other hand, Yigit takes a condescending, disappointed-dad tone with her that makes me want to smack him. Seth again bemoans the fact that they couldn't fall on the sword together as a team, which makes Danielle snap. She tells Seth he's a piece of shit. That he didn't stay in the back in a noble attempt to help his teammates, but to avoid any responsibility for interacting with the kids. What she wants to say, and is too angry to ever spit out, is that he has a hell of a nerve whining about poor behavior at Judges' Table, when he spent last week screaming in people's faces and telling them to suck it. All Seth can really respond with is that the judges liked his food more than hers. Which is true and which has nothing to do with anything she just said. Feel free to keep on staying in your comfort zone, Seth. You've only been in the bottom of four challenges in a row. Things couldn't be better! Heatherh shakes her head, like, "How have I found myself in a room full of infants?"

Elimination. All five of these people suck for a different reason. They're a rainbow of suck. Unfortunately, we can only cleave one of them, so let's go over to Gail for the chop. Heatherc. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Please pack your tools and go. In her final interview, she employs her complete inability to communicate once more by saying that it's not fair that she be eliminated because it was a bake sale and a team challenge, and she "exhibited both of those". Yeah, and you sucked at them. Whatevs, lady. When you get married, see if you can manage the "I do" without falling down a well.

Overall Grade: B+