Domestic Disturbance

Top Chef - Season 12, Episode 2

Previously on Top Chef: 15 chefs and 1 person who cooks occasionally and hopes to get noticed by being a douche arrived in Boston to get cookin'. A new twist called the Sudden Death Quickfire punted George before his apron was even tied on properly. The Elimination Challenge put the chefs in charge of their own booths at a food fair. It's not a place you'd expect congee to excel, but Mei's impressive dish won the day, anyway. Michael's off-putting corn/caviar soup got him punted, and he groused off to no doubt find more failings to blame on other people. Fourteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Monday Morning Quarterback Session. After 11 seasons, you'd think the contestants would know the easiest way to shut down a burgeoning villain is to not pay him/her any attention, but Kariann has apparently not received the memo, and is only too happy to bicker with Aaron. Katsuji goes to wake Joy up, and tells her she's got "20 Mexican Minutes" to get ready. "How long is that in Black Minutes?" she grumbles, desperate for a little more sleep. Hehe. Meanwhile, James shows off his Patrick Swayze tattoo, which... Sure is there. On his skin. Forever.

Quickfire. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and this week's guest judge Todd English. Aaron swoons as if they weren't just cooking alongside him, like, yesterday at the food fair. Also, I guess Top Chef is so impressed by the English name that they're willing to overlook silly things like DWIs and not paying rent.

Anyhow, today's Quickfire is a play on the old Paul Revere saw about "One if by land, Two if by sea". There are two lanterns set up, and if one of them lights up, the chefs must grab an ingredient from the Land table, which includes all sorts of earth-bound components, from meat to herbs to snack foods. If two lamps light up, the chefs will grab an ingredient from the Sea table, which has a bunch of oceanic creatures on it. Once a chef claims an ingredient, it's all his/hers, and all the ingredients must be used to make one composed dish. Sounds pretty challenging. Oh, and the winner will not get immunity, but will get $5000 in prize money. Ready? Go!

One lamp lights up (with a "ding" noise that I'm fairly sure that was added after the fact), and the chefs scramble and tackle each other at the Land table. There's a fair amount of hurry-up-and-wait in preparation for further lamp lightings, since there's only so much prep you can do with your single ingredient. It goes on in this manner until the Land lamp has gone on three times, and the Sea lamps have gone on just once. After Todd and Padma go down the line, Joy and Stacy fall to the bottom, while James and Katsuji rise to the top. I'm consulting my notes to see what they made that inspired these opinions, and have found that I did not write it down. Stellar work, me. Katsuji is happy to have redeemed himself after his disappointing Elimination performance in the first challenge, but that pride will have to be prize enough, as James takes the win. James is quietly pleased. I sense he's not going to get a lot of camera time this season unless he's the clear frontrunner (a la Paul in Season 9).

Elimination Challenge. The heads of the Boston police department and fire department enter (ugh, those BOSTON ACCENTS) and Padma tells the chefs that they'll be cooking for a group of the city's first responders. Pretty noble! The gentlemen describe a bit of what they're looking for (no donuts, please), but it turns out not to matter, because the chefs won't be shopping for ingredients anyway. Good, because that's reliably the most boring segment in every episode. Why do they insist on showing it? Eh, that's a rant for another day. The chefs are amped to cook for the city's heroes, especially hometown girl Stacy (who naturally brings up the Boston marathon bomber), and Adam, who tells the story of his mother, who went briefly missing after the September 11 attacks. He's allowed to spend a couple of minutes detailing the terror and sense of foreboding he went through before finding out that she was okay, and because his story is given some actual time and weight, it's genuinely affecting, and doesn't come off as overblown or pandering. So that's a nice change.

The chefs pull knives to determine teams. Each team will focus on one dish. The number they pull will also determine the order they cook in, and thus the order they get to select their mystery box of ingredients. The teams shake out to be:

Team #1: Mei/Katsuji/Katie
Team #2: Rebecca/Gregory/Adam
Team #3: James/Dougie
Team #4: Melissa/Joy/Ron
Team #5: Aaron/Kariann/Stacy

So that causes some feelings. Mei isn't thrilled to be teamed with two people who were on the bottom of the first Elimination Challenge. Kariann is bummed that she's forced to work with a massive tool. Too bad, suckas. That evening, the teams meet to discuss strategy. Team #5 wonders if they'll be forced to make dessert, and though Kariann has limited experience in pastry, she says it's pointless to try and plan anything without knowing what their ingredients are. That's true across the board, but it does give us time to watch the imminent implosion of Team #5, since they can't go three sentences without Kariann and Aaron getting into a fight. Poor Stacy is caught in the middle, and in interview, mimes shooting herself. I feel you, girl. For viewers, here's a fun game: Re-watch the episode and count how many times Stacy rolls her eyes at the two idiots she's stuck with.

The next day, the teams enter one at a time to start prep. None of the mystery boxes have any overly wacky ingredients (and there aren't any dessert components), so really, the choice is more about preference than about sticking anyone with bad food. Mei and Katsuji get into a brief... Well, not fight. It's just that they both want to make the sauce for their halibut dish. Mei doesn't trust Katsuji after his last Elimination Challenge dish (I guess his high placement in the Quickfire doesn't carry any weight), and he wants to prove he's capable of the task. Mei reluctantly agrees to let him make the sauce, but insists on tasting both his and Katie's components before anything is finalized. I mean, I know she won last week, but I missed the step where she was elected Team Leader of this group. We don't see any interviews of Katsuji or Katie complaining that she's acting like their boss, so maybe it really was decided that she'd take point on this challenge.

Team #5 (well, Aaron and Kariann) are still fighting, and still getting on Stacy's nerves. Meanwhile, Team #4 is suffering from the diametrically opposed problem. They're all trying to be ultra-polite and considerate of each other's feelings, which means that the ideas for the dish are becoming muddled and unfocused. Joy offers to cook the veal, while Ron insists that it should include some vanilla in the flavoring. Sirens go off and a dozen red flags fall from the ceiling. OK, not really, but they should have. Aaron and Kariann take a break from fighting to harangue Stacy about how she's cooking the chicken. She ignores both of them.

Service. Team #1 has made sauteed halibut, with a pea coconut puree and a grilled fennel slaw with pickled cherries and rhubarb. It gets very positive feedback, and to her credit, Mei gives a mea culpa interview in which she gives Katsuji full credit for a delicious sauce. Team #2 is also praised for their filet mignon with parsnip puree, scallops, and vinaigrette. The big shocker for that team is that Rebecca is actually allowed to say a few dozen words on camera. Team #3 believes they had an advantage in only having two people instead of three. I'd be curious to see how they'd have felt about that if their partner had been Aaron, instead. In any case, they've made grilled pork chop with grilled stone fruit salad, mushrooms, and walnuts. The diners like everything. Can it be that this'll be one of those challenges where everything is good, and the loser comes down to a tiny little detail?

Well, no. Because here comes Team #4 with undercooked veal that is flavored with maple and vanilla. Eeeeeeeew. It's also got a citrus/kale slaw on it. I'm gonna go make a quick flow chart called "Should You Add Maple and/or Vanilla to Your Meat/Fish Entree?" It won't take long. All the questions will just point to a big red NO. Joy is in trouble for not cooking the veal long enough, but since it was Ron's idea to include the vanilla, he's in trouble, too. Melissa tries to make herself invisible. Team #4 is also helped along by Team #5, who has prepared pan-roasted chicken breast, with onion/bourbon jam and fresh corn salad. Stacy's chicken is perfectly cooked, but both Aaron's jam and Kariann's corn salad are offensively bad. Who would have thunk it? You know, besides me, you, and everyone else watching.

Judges' Table. Teams #1 and #2 are in the top two spots, and both are given high praise. Katie and Katsuji are relieved to be on this end of the spectrum. It's not quite enough to carry the day, though, as Team #2 takes the top spot. Obviously, Teams #4 and #5 are on the bottom. Joy and Ron are meek when taken to task for their failings, but meekness is not an attitude that Team #5 embraces. Aaron blames Kariann for all their problems. Kariann blames Aaron for all their problems. Stacy stands there and looks like she wants to jump into a volcano. Tom tells both Kariann and Aaron that they should be falling all over themselves to thank Stacy, as her chicken has saved the team (Spoiler: They do not, preferring to fight some more, instead). Unfortunately, that means that lovable, normal Joy will be taking the long walk home. Why yes, I did see this coming a full week ago - you're so considerate to notice! Still, that doesn't mean I can't be sad to lose such a nice contestant. Unlike Michael, she takes full responsibility for her mistakes, and regrets that she couldn't pull it together enough to go farther. Me too, Joy. Be well.

Overall Grade: B-