Home Cooking

Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 10

Previously on Top Chef: Two restaurants went to war. It seemed that the Green team would be the conquering army, but the scrappy Purple team indulged in some sneaky tactical attacks, such as cooking good food and providing capable service. Uncanny! Justin's huffy sneer every time he receives criticism made another unwelcome return, but it seems to be working for him, as Sara's terrible dessert and abysmal service earned her a one-way ticket back to the WWII thrift store. Nine chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Quickfire. Guest judge Hubert Keller joins Padma to explain that for this week's challenge, the chefs will be creating dishes centered around coffee. And not just any coffee, but [brand-of-coffee]! Wow, [brand-of-coffee] is awesome! Oh, did you want me to fill in those brackets? Sure thing. As soon as I receive the same $10,000 check that the chef who wins the challenge gets, I'll get right on that. Now, I'm a big coffee enthusiast, but apparently nothing like Nina, who tells us that she drinks 15 espressos a day. As she is not currently hovering around the ceiling like a hummingbird, I do not believe her. Immunity is up for grabs, but the chefs are lot more interested in the money. A couple of interviews make plain that our economy is still a troubled one, because the grand dreams the chefs have for their prize money includes presentable clothes to replace their threadbare duds, and an air conditioner that actually functions.

The chefs spring into action. A lot of their plans go awry, as Brian attempts risotto that turns into a goopy mess, and Carrie runs out of time before her crepes can be cooked. She hurries to make a coffee custard, instead. Shirley crusts some tenderloin with coffee, and makes a coffee brown butter sauce and blanched garlic to go with it. Sounds good. Stephanie combines goat cheese with sweet potato, and serves it on a crepe with a ham/bacon/coffee jam. When it comes to the judging, Hubert singles out these latter three women for praise, while Brian's risotto sinks him to the bottom, along with Nicholas, whose hazelnut coffee caramel emulsion had an unpleasant texture. The winner of immunity and the generous [brand-of-coffee] cash prize is...Shirley! Yay! I have such a soft spot for her. Especially now that she'll have an air conditioner and won't be walking around the house all sweaty and gross.

Elimination Challenge. Another guest judge joins the panel this week. Actor Anthony Mackie has come home to New Orleans, and tells the chefs that for this week's challenge, they'll be going home as well, in a sense. They're tasked with creating a dish inspired by what they want to eat when they're at home. It's an endeavor that has a lot of emotion built in, which is naturally done on purpose, but is also pretty cool to watch. The last time the show did a challenge like this, they couldn't even bring themselves to eliminate anyone, which I found a big relief. Will they be able to go through with it this time? Let's find out! The chefs have a pretty scant three hours' cooking time, and will be presenting their dishes to the judges and guest diner Leah Chase at her New Orleans institution, Dooky Chase. Tradition or no, that is possibly the worst restaurant name I've ever heard - even if it was a name coined in an era before it started sounding like a poop-themed video game.

Shopping/Prep. Justin tells us that he used to eat squirrel, and while my initial reaction is disgust, I have to remind myself of my try-everything-once rule. You know, within reason. I can't turn my nose up at squirrel before joyfully wandering off to eat sweetbreads. Nicholas is making his daughter's favorite gnocchi, and while it's all very cute, it really cements this season's subtitle. "Top Chef - Season 11: Enough With The Goddamn Gnocchi, Already". Shirley shakes the prep table while kneading bread, and loudly hacks up her pork with a cleaver, momentarily getting on everyone else's nerves. Never mind them, girl! You hack to your heart's content. Brian plans to grill some Korean-style steak, while Travis makes biscuits and gravy. Tom raises his eyebrows when he hears the biscuits won't be made with buttermilk. Oh, please. Buttermilk is delicious, but it's not integral to the quality of a biscuit. Especially one smothered in gravy. Stephanie peers deep into my psyche yet again, and comes up with a mussel dish with pickled peppers that I would punch a nun to get at. Upon arrival at Dooky Chase (snicker), Brian discovers there is no charcoal grill, forcing him to pan sear his steaks. Travis keeps opening the oven to gauge the progress of his biscuits. I would never pretend to be a better cook than any contestant ever on this show, but even I know that you shouldn't do that. Yet another reminder that chefs and bakers rarely intersect. Carrie manages to poach a dozen eggs at the same time, which is the most impressive thing I've seen since the Olympics. I tried to do two the other night, and ruined both of them.

The meal goes out in three rounds. In the first round, Brian's marinated steaks go out with Travis' biscuits and Carlos' delightful-looking cochinita pibil with black beans and pico de gallo. The jam Travis serves with his dish is popular, but the inside of his biscuits are underdone to the point of raw. Yikes. Brian's steaks would have been a lot better if he had grilled them. I guess it's a fair criticism, but I can't help but feel for Brian, since he had a reasonable expectation of kitchen equipment that he wasn't able to use. Carlos' dish is praised from top to bottom. Yeah, that looked terrific.

Round 2 includes Nicholas' gnocchi, which looks pretty homey and comforting. He finds himself missing his family, and starts to weep in his interview. Shirley has used her immunity to take a risk, and presents some dao xiao mian she's not entirely sure will be successful. Stephanie has her aforementioned mussel dish, and I'm hungry just typing about it. The judges find Nicholas' gnocchi soft and delightful. Stephanie's dish is also well-received, while Shirley's is met with more confusion than criticism. Round 3 wraps up the meal, with Justin's chicken thigh gravy served over rice, Carrie's creamed asparagus and egg on toast, and Nina's curried chicken. All of those sound good, though I'd have to think Carrie's dish would be viewed as too simple. The judges apparently have no big problem with it, nor with Nina's chicken, though a couple of judges wish she had served it with rice instead of avocado. Justin's recent slide continues, as his chicken has good flavor, but is too dry. Hasn't dryness been the main complaint about every one of his dishes? He should just start slathering everything in sauce, whether it calls for it or not.

Fret 'n sweat. It's pretty tough to tell which way the wind is blowing, as the judges praise Shirley's noodles (but not the overall dish), Nicholas' gnocchi (but not the overall dish), and Travis' gravy (but not the overall dish). They're less reserved about Stephanie and Carlos, whom they all loved. Carlos, Stephanie, and Nicholas are called to Judges' Table as the top three, much to their relief. Nicholas kids that if he got heat for a dish he poured so much emotion into and that he's made a million times, he was going to wreck up the place. Fortunately, no violence is necessary, as he wins his second Elimination Challenge in a row. That dish really did look wonderful. Brian, Justin, and Travis are called in as the bottom three. Brian's steaks may have had more flavor if he had had access to the charcoal grill he wanted, but fact is, he didn't. Travis' undercooked biscuits are a major sticking point. Literally! *rimshot* Justin insists that he's made his dish a bunch of times, just not recently, because he's a restaurant chef and has to cook the actual menu, [assholes]. That [assholes] is not said out loud, but it hangs heavily in the air. Elimination. Oh, yes. Elimination. None of this you-cooked-your-hearts-out-so-everyone-stays this time. Travis. Please pack your knives and go. No huge surprise, there. It'd be impossible to overlook raw dough; there are few things more off-putting to bite into. He cries a bit as he leaves, but seems to be at peace with the decision. No word on whether he's at peace with facing the conservative father he just came out to on national television when he gets home, though.

Overall Grade: B+

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 2, Episode 10

In the final episode, our three finalists are put through their usual paces. Each of the chefs must make a showpiece, an entremet cake, a bonbon, a plated dessert, and a bread course for the judges and a bunch of Names. There's also supposed to be some connection between the desserts and the chefs' loved ones, but it's fairly pointless. The Names help out as sous chefs on Day 1, and as we've seen in the past, eliminated contestants come in and are forced to help on Day 2.

Each chef gets two helpers, one of their choosing and one chosen at random. As fun as it would be to see someone get stuck with Dr. Teeth, it is not to be. Matthew gets Megan assigned to him, then chooses Carlos. Chris gets Rebecca, and chooses Amanda. Sally gets Vanarin (who everybody's forgotten), and chooses Orlando. This last choice is most important, because Sally knows full well that she's weak at making showpieces, so she sets Orlando to executing her design.

All three chefs work hard to impress the diners, though Matthew makes the weird choice to wander so far out of his comfort zone in service of risk-taking that everything he makes winds up looking so-so, with the showpiece being particularly ugly. That brings it down to Sally and Chris, and... Well, let's see...

Chris has been a focused overachiever from the start, while Sally has gone with the flow. Chris' story of leaving behind a newborn daughter with a heart condition is played to the hilt, while Sally has an ostensibly typical home life. And there's the most decisive factor: Chris made his own showpiece, while Sally used the help she was provided and expressly told to use. Well! We can't have that! Chris naturally takes the title, which is understandable and well-earned, though I don't think anybody can claim to be surprised.

So, shall we spend a moment talking about the season as a whole? If you don't count Top Chef Masters -- which I don't -- this has unquestionably been the gentlest crop of contestants this franchise has ever seen. A lot of people found that boring, but I thought it was a nice change to watch a competition that centered almost exclusively on challenges and not on maladjusted psychotic douchebags. Nobody wailing about their mommy's red-hots. No snide junior high cliques. No catty, backstabbing, egocentric bitches throwing glitter bombs. No homophobic jerks tearfully talking about their children while sitting on a stash of kiddie-porn. Just a bunch of mature adults, doing their best to excel in a competition that put their skills to the test. Novel, huh?

The challenges ranged from fine to great, with no real catastrophes to piss me off. If there's one issue I took with the season, it's that the judging showed no improvement from the lackluster panel last season. Gail is still a perfectly genial host, but Hubert still looks like he wishes he were eating savory dishes, Dannielle still shows no sign of why her opinion is any more relevant than your Great Aunt Betty's, and Johnny has become even more wooden and cranky.

Like I said, I'm pleased that there was no sucky challenge that turned out to be unwinnable, because there's almost nothing that makes me angrier. If there is something that can achieve it, though, it's the Chef-22. This isn't specific to Johnny; Ptom and Padma are known to indulge in this ugly practice. But at least they usually have the good grace to spread it out over multiple episodes. Johnny chided someone for having the temerity to make him wait after chiding someone else for not making her dessert to order, literally in the span of five minutes. In this finale, Sally is given a sous chef to help, and then punished for using said help. So, sorry you lost the weight for nothing, Iuzzini, but I'm afraid your television persona needs more of a workout than your biceps.

Overall Grade: B
Overall Season Grade: B

That's the Way the Cookie Crumbles

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 10

Previously on Just Desserts: The American Psychiatric Association had to add an appendix to the DSM-IV just to cover the contestants on this show. People melted down more often than their ice cream. Seth went loony, Heatherh went snooty, and Malika went voluntarily. Eric shone as a lone bright spot. When the final elimination challenge loomed, Zac made a cartoonish cake that the judges wanted to fling into a barrel of DIP, and he was swiftly booted. Three chefs remain. Who will be the first winner of Just Desserts?

As with the previous episode, I'm converting the blurb to the full recap nine months late. So, the winner has already been chosen, celebrated, and forgotten, and the next batch of hopefuls waits on the horizon. Which, when I think about it, is entirely fitting.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Hey, remember in the last episode when I said I'd be apoplectic if Morgan insulting Zac's sexuality came out of nowhere and wasn't a relevant response to a direct, unwarranted attack? Well, here we are! Though being relieved Zac was eliminated is entirely understandable, calling him "an annoying little fairy" here is unacceptable, and frankly, I'm surprised Bravo let it pass without a whisper of the shitstorm that would quite rightly occur if he had ever called Erika an uppity nigger. I'm not a fan of Zac and his disco dust either, but he's perfectly entitled to do whatever he'd like with his penis, Morgan. And hey, if openly displaying one's sexual orientation is so annoying to you, stop bragging about your goddamn son every five minutes. You shot sperm into an orifice; you didn't storm the beach at Normandy.

Aside from that little blurb of nasty homophobia, all three of the chefs are anxious about their final challenge. They go to the Kitchen, and are met by Gail, who explains that the last hurdle will be to create a progressive, four-course tasting menu for twelve diners. That's all she says before she dismisses them, so their minds go agoggle at what the inevitable twist is going to be. That night, they meet Johnny at a bar for a drink, and dig into a few fancy desserts. After they've snacked, Johnny brings out the chefs responsible for the various treats: Sherry Yard, Elizabeth Faulkner, and another Name: Claudia Fleming. These three luminaries will be acting as sous chefs for the contestants. They pull names to see who gets matched up. Gidget gets Sherry, and Danielle gets Elizabeth, leaving poor Claudia at Morgan's disposal.

The next day, Gidget is mad at Morgan. Does it even matter why? Is anyone aching to pick a side? Suffice it to say that one annoying person that I'll be glad to see the back of is angry at another annoying person that I'll be glad to see the back of. That settled, the chefs head off for forty-five minutes of shopping with a $400 budget. Gidget makes sure to get in a couple of more digs at Morgan. Danielle is mostly just floating along on a cloud of giddiness that she's even in the finale.

Back in the Kitchen, the chefs meet up with their sous chefs, and get started on their seven hours of prep work. Gidget predicts a personality clash between Morgan and Claudia. Danielle puts Elizabeth to work shelling pistachio nuts. Ooh, I wish I had a bag of those right now. All the contestants give us an insight into what their menus are going to be like, but as always, I'll save that for later. Johnny drops by to Ptimewaste. Once he's gone, Morgan begins instructing Claudia on the various chemical methods he'd like to use to create his desserts. She freely admits to the camera that her techniques are a lot more Old School, so she has no freaking idea what calcium chloride is or what to do with it. Sherry cheerfully yells out that there's one hour left, and while she may be a fantastic chef, she's not winning any safety awards for swinging around a lit blowtorch while she talks. Time runs out. That night, Morgan chokes up as he talks about his son some more. Ugh, quit cramming your sexuality down our throats, breeder!

The next day, Gidget gives us some backstory about his father encouraging his dream of becoming a chef, and then passing away shortly thereafter. Aw, that's a shame. When the chefs arrive at the Kitchen, their assumption that they'll be getting further assistance from the celebrity sous chefs is crushed. Gail is lying in wait, along with all of the eliminated contestants. Except Seth, of course, because he's probably busy thrashing against the wall of a padded room somewhere. Malika looks fairly cheerful, all things considered. Gail explains that the Names will be joining the judges as diners, so the eliminated contestants will now be filling in as sous chefs. Fortunately, they don't get to pick their best friends, and must draw names again. Yay! Gidget draws Tim, and is thrilled. Danielle draws Tania, so she'll get a chance to make an actual impression on us now. And Morgan...draws Heatherh. Awkward! The five unchosen chefs will be joining the judges and Names as diners, bringing the total up to seventeen. They're thrilled to hear it. I don't understand why Gail didn't just say there would be seventeen diners at the outset, and it makes me wonder if the challenge changed midstream.

Once Gail and the eliminated contestants leave, the chefs have three hours to get everything done. An interview with Heatherh reveals that her feelings toward Morgan have not warmed since she her departure. She still has zero respect for him, and hopes outright that he does not win. The prospect of sabotage intrigues me. Actually, she appears to be doing her best, not that Morgan appreciates it. Danielle plans a cheese course to temper the sweetness of the overall menu. Gidget and Morgan both attempt little pearls of caviar, and while Gidget's appear to be coming out nicely, Morgan is struggling. Time winds down. The diners get seated. Claudia does not have glowing things to report about working with Morgan to the other diners, calling him a "typically male pastry chef". I'm not entirely sure all that that entails, but it's clear she doesn't mean it as a compliment. Pissing off established Names isn't going to do wonders for Morgan's career. The eliminated chefs toast each other, and the finalists emerge from the Kitchen to present their work.

Gidget's first course is a cucumber and lime sorbet with yogurt caviar pearls. That sounds wonderful, though it's a bit messy looking, and the way he introduces his meal by saying it's a "dance through his palate" makes my gorge rise. Morgan has a passion fruit cannoli, with mango carpaccio, a fluid gel, and tarragon jelly. It's kind of the flip side of Gidget's dish, sounding overcomplicated and strange tasting, but it sure is pretty. Danielle opens with her cheese course. It's goat's milk cheese from Spain, with a little hazelnut cake, roasted grapes, and fig jam. Sounds good. Tasting. Everyone gets good reviews. Morgan's dish is aesthetically appealing, and has strong flavors. Gidget's dish is refined and elegant. Danielle made a savory course that still retains an air of dessert.

Second course. Gidget has a strawberry sorbet with lemongrass/lime/ginger ice cream, and a berry meringue with consomme. Well, it takes something special to get Limecrete's Pick of the Week in the finale meal, but that ice cream/sorbet combination clinches it. Morgan has a blueberry pavlova with lemon cream in a citrus chamomile broth, and chamomile pearls. Danielle serves a "palate cleanser" of lemon parfait, with pomelo and tangerine sorbet, and a moscato granita. Tasting. Gidget has made a successful deconstruction, and once again, has shown admirable restraint. Danielle's doesn't really work visually, but everyone enjoys the flavors. Morgan sold his theme as inspired by light and primary colors, and isn't delivering on that promise. As with Danielle, nobody has anything bad to say about how it tastes.

Third course. Back in the Kitchen, Morgan's souffles are falling in on themselves, and Heatherh has the practical suggestion of serving the ones that came out okay to the judges, not that it'll help much when a Name sitting next to the judges has a collapsing dessert. She rescues as many as she can, and Morgan finally displays some gratitude. I guess that sabotage idea died on the vine. Presentation. Gidget has a muscovato slow-braised pineapple, with a coconut sponge cake. DRINK! It's served with a coconut lime soup with tapioca pearls. Morgan's Manjari (dark chocolate) souffle cake is served with raspberry sorbet and cocoa nib paper. Danielle has an array of ice creams. The first is her version of a baked Alaska, the second is a strawberry sundae, and the third is a homemade root beer float. I'd probably love each and every one of those, but I worry that the idea isn't elevated enough for the judges. Tasting. Gidget's flavor combinations are great, Morgan's souffle is a big disappointment, and Danielle's ice cream trio is a big hit. Elizabeth takes a moment to pat herself on the back. I guess she just can't help herself.

Fourth course. Dannielle baby voices that this is the last thing the judges will be eating in the competition. She is one smiley face away from telling everyone to sign her yearbook, and she hopes you never change! Stay sweet! English class was a blast, you guys! Anyway, Gidget has a hazelnut dacquoise with milk jam, and a salted caramel ice cream. Morgan has a white pepper creme brulee, with a black pepper baumkuchen and a blackberry anise macaroon. Hmm. That all sounds odd, but interesting. Danielle has a chocolate pudding cake with pistachio ice cream. Tasting. Gidget's milk jam candy is a huge hit. Gail says she wants to bathe herself in it, and judging by the Google search terms that bring people to my blog, a good portion of the internet's collective head just exploded. One of the Names is less impressed by the caramel ice cream. Danielle's is good, but lacked some elegance, and could probably have benefitted from a touch more salt. Morgan's baumkuchen is described as a "masterpiece".

The chefs emerge from the Kitchen one last time to accept their applause. The judges adjourn to deliberate. The chefs and their sous chefs pop open some champagne. That's it for the helpers. Um, so... Bye, Tania! It was great catching up with you! It's all over but the waiting, and they sit there dissecting their chances. Morgan is embarrassed about the collapsing souffles, but not so much that he doesn't think he'll beat the others, because their food was "boring". Oof, I know what he means. I'm always going out to restaurants and am all, "ANOTHER strawberry sorbet with lemongrass/lime/ginger ice cream, and a berry meringue with consomme? Give me a break!"

Interstitial. The chefs come up with various ways to reiterate that this is, indeed, the end of the line.

Judges' Table. Gail asks the chefs how they think they did. As with the dessert shop challenge, no matter how good the food Danielle puts out is, she really needs to work on how to interact with people like a functional human adult. She blathers some weirdness, while Gidget and Morgan give strong, if well-worn pageant answers. Now, to the food. Danielle's ice cream trio was a real bright spot. Gail threatens to follow her around and force her to make honey candy for Gail's enjoyment. Heh. Danielle's chocolate pudding cake finale was less impressive. Hubert liked the pistachio ice cream, but Johnny thinks the pulled sugar garnish is too much of an '80s gimmick.

Unsurprisingly, Dannielle is completely smurfy about the date metaphor Gidget came up with for his menu. You guys had better write me! BFF 4-EVA! Gidget's sorbet and ice cream combination was nice, but the waiters poured the consomme directly onto the meringue, turning it into mush. Well, Gidget shouldn't really be penalized too harshly for that. If that's the worst thing they can find to say about his desserts, he's got this wrapped up. After praising his pineapple dish highly, the judges move on to Morgan. Well, I guess that's it, then. Barring him jumping up on the table and spitting in Gail's face, Gidget had better start clearing a spot on his schedule for the winner's showcase.

Morgan's souffles were inconsistent. He explains that one tray turned out great, while the other one didn't cook as much. Dannielle got one of the good ones, and enjoyed it, but it looks like the damage has already been done. That said, Morgan's baumkuchen is unanimously heralded. Johnny is a bit nonplussed to see yet another macaroon from Morgan, but admits that he's really, really good at making them. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Hubert discusses the progression aspect of the challenge, which I actually wanted to bring up. If you're going to judge a chef on how well his or her dishes progress throughout the meal, it doesn't make any sense to be eating two other people's food concurrently. How can you honestly tell if Dish #3 naturally follows from Dish #2 if you're eating two other Dish #2 entries in between? I understand it would have been a bit weird (and too time-consuming) to eat through Gidget's entire menu, then Danielle's entire menu, then Morgan's entire menu, but it would certainly make judging menu progressions a lot less arbitrary. Dannielle is still wetting her pants over Gidget's romantic ideas.

Danielle has really stepped up in the past few challenges, which the judges have noticed. Her cheese course was a very smart idea, and her ice cream trio blew everyone away. Overall, her food was more elevated and sophisticated than it's ever been before. Morgan's food also had flashes of brilliance. His first course was probably the best food of the evening, visually. His pavlova showed a lot of technique, and the souffle that Dannielle got was perfect. He's also won more challenges than anybody else. Back in the Kitchen, Morgan says something about Claudia that's so bleeped out, I can't understand what he's talking about. The judges wrap up their deliberations.

Final decision. Danielle picked the right time to hit her stride. Gidget has a vast array of techniques, and he finally figured out when to pull back. Morgan is a dick. No, seriously. Johnny dresses it up by saying that "Nobody is ever going to push you as hard as you push yourself," which is a lovely euphemism for "Your disturbing level of aggression somehow works when you apply it to food." The first winner of Top Chef: Just Desserts is... Is... Well, Gidget, obviously. Weren't you paying attention a few paragraphs back? He's naturally thrilled, and Morgan and Danielle congratulate him warmly. He interviews that there are no words to describe it, as the judges join the contestants for the post-game hugs, where they are soon joined by the eliminated contestants.

Zac whoops for joy and jumps all over Gidget in a move that's 33% designed to draw attention to himself, 33% because he's happy for his friend, and 33% because it means Morgan didn't win. Speaking of Morgan, he and Danielle are a lot classier in their final interviews than a bunch of previous contestants, saying that they're very happy for Gidget, and that there's nobody they'd rather lose to. We go out on Gidget saying that he's looking forward to what this win will do for his career, and that he thinks his father would be proud to see what he's accomplished. No argument here.

Shall we get into the season postmortem? In a word, blech. It's easy to see why this inaugural season didn't live up to the potential it must have held in development: Casting, casting, casting. Listen, I get that reality television has to have weirdos and assholes in the mix. I understand that the producers believe watching twelve genial people being polite and saying only nice things in interviews would be boring. But there's a tipping point between competition and drama, and never since the suckhole that was Season 2 of Top Chef: Original Recipe has that divide been so unwisely crossed. You want to have an off-putting nutball here and an impassioned fight there? Fine. But it can't take over the narrative, and Just Desserts almost got swallowed in bullshit. Crazy Seth. Arrogant Morgan. Snobby Heatherh. Condescending Gidget. Attention Whore Zac. That's a lot of annoying people to take, and while Eric was lovely, and the rest of the cast was unobjectionable, it didn't even out the constant stream of negativity from those five. Especially Seth. Quirky is one thing. Pathological is another.

If we take the cast out of the picture, the rest of the show's aspects were good, but not enough of a saving grace. I liked most of the challenges, which is always a big deal. Nothing makes me angrier than a poorly-designed challenge, because it's not like the judges are ever going to admit as much, so they pretend the contestants screwed up at a task that nobody was ever going to excel in. Just Desserts never fell into that trap, and for that, I'm grateful.

The judging, on the other hand, was just so-so. I'm more than willing to accept Gail as a host, and she seems to be settling in okay. Johnny, on the other hand, needs some work. He's stiff, not terribly well-spoken, and some of his opinions come off as arbitrary. Maybe it's just a head judge thing, because I still haven't warmed to Ptom like the rest of the Top Chef community has. Maybe he just needs some practice. Hubert, who was so engaging as a judge on Original Recipe and a contestant on Masters is somewhat of a cipher here. Dannielle... I hate to say this, because she seems like a very nice woman. I'm sorry, but she needs to go. A judge has to stand out at something. They can be extremely knowledgeable. They can be extremely experienced and/or well-known to the general public. They can be extremely funny and acerbic. Hell, they can even find success as "the cranky one". Dannielle was none of those things, and frankly came off like they plucked some lady off the street.

I don't want to sound like I hated this season. I didn't. But given that they've got a slew of Top Chef seasons behind them, Just Desserts had no right to be such Amateur Hour television, first season or no. I'm more than willing to watch another season. The judges will probably gel better. The contestants may be less obnoxious. I'm looking forward to seeing what challenges they can pull out of the hat. As a first draft, Just Desserts has promise, but as a finished product, it's back to the drawing board.

Overall Grade: B-
Overall Season Grade: C-

Spyro Gyro

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 10

Previously on Top Chef: War of the Restaurants. Alex's army decided he wasn't even competent enough to pass boot camp, and stuck him on dish duty in the mess hall. Kenny exulted in his status as a four-star general, and though nobody disputed his ability to rally the troops, his food marksmanship was less than stellar. No amount of medal-polishing could make up for the fact that his dishes pretty much sucked, and he was gloriously eliminated. Seven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. I had to make good on last week's bet, and made an old family sweet and sour meatball recipe, some lemon squares, and a batch of blueberry muffins. Our gracious hosts provided the hummus, and once the wine was popped, a grand feast was had by all. Please to enjoy Drinking Game Rule #10. It may be a little late for it now, but since it keeps coming up over and over: Take a drink whenever you come across mention of the pea puree, whether on the show or in these recaps. Including that one. DRINK!

Oh, and I have a little tangential business to get to. Firstly, I have to credit LabRat for coming up with this week's post title. Be grateful that you aren't being subjected to the horrible puns that were swirling around my head. Okay, maybe one: Boris Not-Gudenov. Awful, right? Secondly, someone pointed me towards Ptom's blog about last week's episode. I was going to link to it when quoting the relevant portions, but forgot that Bravo has literally the worst website ever created by supposed professionals. I lost my patience after five attempts. The gist was that he's been getting some crap about Kenny being eliminated over Alex, and snarkily pointed out that duh, Alex was on the winning team, and thus not eligible for elimination. He also snarkily pointed out that each challenge is judged individually, so Kenny's past successes were not taken into account. I heartily agree with his decisions on both counts, but I don't think his tone is called for. I don't blame people for asking about the results, since rules were pretty obviously bent around for the elimination in the second episode, and because it seems like chefs' past successes are considered pretty often. Ptom's blog also addressed the pea puree incident again. DRINK! Ptom reports that other chefs have admitted that they actually saw Alex making his own puree (DRINK!), so there you go. Mystery solved. Still, it makes me wonder why there was all that whispering and gossip behind Alex's back if it was known he didn't do anything shady. Strange. All right, then. Ready to step into this week's shiny, Kenny-free episode?

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Naturally, we have to cover the whole Kenny vs. Alex debate again. Kevin -- who's had six seasons to watch and nine episodes to participate in -- still doesn't seem to get how team challenges work. He whines about Alex's team carrying him to unfair safety. Alex isn't too worked up about the whole situation, shrugging that he makes a handy venting target for Kevin to complain about his friend getting eliminated. That's a mature way of looking at it. He's also correct when he interviews that rules aside, he had nothing to do with the blue team making bad food. Point, set, match. Angelo is exhausted and unfocused after the stress of Restaurant Wars. He seems the most shaken by Kenny's elimination, because if one of the alpha males can be eliminated well before the finals, what does that mean for the other? The chefs head out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs enter the Kitchen to find a bunch of boxes with question marks painted on the side. Nobody butts one with their head to see if a power-up comes out. Padma and guest judge Wylie Dufresne are there to greet them before Padma explains the rules of this week's Quickfire. It's a peach. At first glance, it's a repeat of the mystery box challenge. The chefs will have to incorporate all of the ingredients into a dish, but in a fun twist, more mystery boxes will appear as the dishes are cooking. The dish will have to actually evolve in real time as more ingredients are thrown into the mix. Good idea! Well done, challenge producers. None of the chefs are as thrilled as I am that they've been put into this situation, but they perk up when they learn that the winner will receive $10,000. The clock is set at forty minutes, and Padma starts the countdown.

The initial mystery box contains a large rockfish, fava beans, and an unlabeled can. Alex does not have his own can opener, and casts around for someone else's. Thing is, they have their own cans to open, and aren't anxious to hand over the goods. This is played as a we-hate-Alex kind of scene -- complete with Frankenbytes -- but I doubt the motives were that personal. People just want to open their own damn cans first. Those cans turn out to contain hominy. Angelo is completely lost without his rival to butt up against. He turns this way and that, indecisive about how he wants to prepare his dish. A guy in a suit and dark glasses enters to deliver the next mystery box. "Oh my God!" Amanda squawks, as if this is some wholly unexpected event. Or maybe she just said that because the messenger is kind of hot. The second box contains squid and black garlic. Jeez, whatever vision the chefs had at first blush will surely go out the window when confronted with these.

A few minutes later, Mr. Hot delivers another box. "Are you kidding me?" Alex groans. Seriously, were any of you present when Padma was telling you about the challenge parameters? Or were you all daydreaming about how you were going to spend your ten-thousand dollars? The third mystery box contains ramps and passion fruit. By this point, nobody knows what the hell they're doing, and are just trying to compose a dish that won't make the judges projectile vomit. The fourth mystery box arrives with jicama inside. That's the last one, and the chefs have a final ten minutes to get everything ready. Everyone's sweaty and miserable, but manages to get food on the plates. Time runs out.

Padma and Wylie go down the line. Alex has rockfish with a fava bean puree, ramp fondue with leeks, and squid sauteed in the black garlic. He bemoans his terrible Quickfire record, and says that this mess will probably fare no better. Tiffany has had a good idea, and made fish stew, which allows all sorts of things to be tossed in at the last minute without changing the overall picture. She's added some saffron to the mystery box ingredients. Kelly has done a version of Yucatecan seafood stew. Wylie finds it spicy, though I can't tell if he considers that good or bad. Amanda has crispy-skinned rockfish, with a squid fricassee and leek/mushroom fondue. Kevin serves rockfish and red pepper flake-marinated squid on a hominy/black garlic puree, with a jicama/passion fruit salad. Ed serves rockfish sashimi, with a hominy/basil puree, and grilled squid marinade. Angelo has a smoky hominy pot-au-feu, with squid, rockfish tataki, and a passion fruit gelee.

Results. The bottom two starts off with Alex, whose bean and passion fruit puree was good, but nothing else was. Amanda joins him for oily food. The top two starts with Tiffany, for well-integrated, flavorful components. Kevin's puree was nice, and his fish was well-cooked. The winner of the challenge, and the big cash prize is... Tiffany. Yay! She's thrilled that she can meet her fiancee at home with something other than an excuse for why she's been flirting with Ed for several weeks. She may not have phrased it that way.

Elimination Challenge. We continue with the episode's mystery theme, as Padma tells the chefs they'll be cooking for members of the CIA. That's the actual CIA, not the chefy one. Spies often have to adopt disguises, and the chefs will have to do the same thing. They'll be given a classic dish, and must cook it in such a way that it's physically unrecognizable, but still retains the flavors of the classic. Interesting. The chefs draw knives to determine their dishes:

Amanda - French onion soup
Ed - Chicken Cordon Bleu
Angelo - Beef Wellington
Kelly - Kung Pao shrimp
Tiffany - Gyro
Kevin - Cobb salad
Alex - Veal parmesan

Padma tells the chefs that they'll be serving to a bunch of CIA officers, including the head of the organization, Leon Panetta. Amanda fantasizes about being recruited as a spy and seducing secrets out of the KGB. It won't be such a romantic idea when you see what those guys look like. The chefs will serve at CIA headquarters, and the winner of the challenge will win a trip to Paris. Nice! Nice, that is. Not Nice. The chefs head off to the store with a $200 budget. Alex interviews that he's only been a chef for about six years, and was an event videographer before that. He spins this as a positive, saying that someone without as much experience is more open to new ideas and experimentation. Kelly has never cooked Chinese food in her life, and has the very smart idea to track down a prepared Kung Pao sauce and note the ingredients so she can recreate it. I like the way she thinks. See, I knew I've been on her side for a good reason. Angelo has to include puff pastry in his dish, and heads for the frozen food aisle to pick some up. The other chefs are taken aback, because that stuff was about half the reason John got eliminated in the first episode. The other half being his hair.

Back in the Kitchen, the chefs have two and a half hours to get their food prepared. They banter about what their spy names would be. Tiffany, who loves La Femme Nikita, chooses Brigitte. She's disguising her gyro by deconstructing it into separate components. Amanda (code name - Natasha) is disguising French onion soup by... Making French onion soup. Kelly hopes to disguise her Kung Pao shrimp by turning it into a soup. More Frankenbytes manufacture some we-hate-Alex quotes. I mean, I'm sure that he's pretty much as unpopular as the quotes suggest. I just doubt Tiffany and Kelly are strutting around the Kitchen sneering about how much he sucks. He packs his veal parmesan into tortellini, which sounds pretty good. Angelo's choice to use prepackaged frozen puff pastry is dissected some more. Ed comes up with a code name of Muffin Winthrop (hehehehe), while Alex opts for the more well-worn Doctor Zhivago. Ed is disguising his dish by turning it inside out, putting the ham and cheese on the outside, rather than encasing it in the chicken as usual. Kevin's grand plan to disguise his Cobb salad is to change the textures. To his credit, he realizes how weak an idea this is, and just focuses on making it taste as good as possible. Time runs out.

The next day, the chefs arrive at CIA headquarters. An appropriately big deal is made of their surroundings. Once ensconced in the kitchen, the chefs have an additional hour and a half to get their food prepared. Angelo worries that his dish isn't as creative or complex as he wants it to be. He really is falling apart this week. Kelly has plenty of time to get all her food done, but still takes the shortcut of putting her rice in the rice cooker, rather than preparing it on the stove. Amanda likes the flavors of her soup, but is anxious that she didn't disguise it enough. "Helen Keller would be able to guess what the dish is," she snarks. Oh, a Helen Keller joke! I appear to have fallen through a wormhole and popped back out in eighth grade, when people were still telling those.

Kender: "Isn't that the idea? That Helen Keller would be able to identify the dish?"

Alex shares his strategy of not cooking anything that he's ever made before, saying that it's worked out for him so far. Well, it's kept him safe, but he certainly hasn't been racking up the challenge wins. But hey, he's won more than Amanda, so what do I know? Ed disdains this method, grousing that Alex's style of cooking is totally unimpressive. Are they trying to turn Alex into the Robin of the season now that Stephen is gone? Kelly frets over her rice cooker, while Tiffany frets over the simplicity of her dish. She interviews that if one component goes awry, the entire dish's concept will collapse. It turns out Kelly was right to worry, because her rice has overcooked into complete mush. She tells Tiffany that it's "unedible" and interviews that she's used to cooking rice in Colorado, where it takes an hour minimum to cook. Yeesh, what a chore. Tiffany sends her to start some new rice on the stove, which she should have done in the first place. And while we're correcting little mistakes in order to make our lives better, Kelly? Inedible.

Time begins to wind down. Tiffany helps Kelly plate, interviewing that she wants to beat the other chefs because she outcooks them, not because of some technicality. I heartily endorse that attitude. The diners get seated, and time runs out. Padma introduces Leon Panetta, and service starts. Angelo is disheartened by the way his dish has come out, and wonders why he can't get his head in the game this week. He and Kelly serve first, and their dishes are not identified for the diners. Angelo has tartlets with slivers of beef on top. His dish is easily identified, and is not well-received. It was overly salty and the much-discussed puff pastry is hard. Eric Ripert, filling in for Gail this week, says that it looks like Angelo took some shortcuts. Kelly has spicy shrimp broth with rice and a Szechuan shrimp tempura. Ooh, that sounds good. When will I learn to eat before I settle in to write these recaps? Wylie kids Leon about knowing what it is before the spymaster does. It takes the panel a long time to figure out what it is, and once they do, they give it generally positive reviews. Wylie thinks there may be a bit too much broth, but overall, everyone really likes it.

Kevin helps Tiffany wipe her plates down before time runs out. The two of them are up next. Tiffany's plate has roasted leg of lamb, with smoky eggplant, tomatoes, and pickled onions. Once it's identified as a gyro, everyone sings its praises. Eric calls it the most elegant gyro he's ever eaten. Sweet! Kevin has romaine lettuce, tomato, bacon, Roquefort cheese, avocado, cucumber, and turkey. In other words, he's served a Cobb salad as a Cobb salad. Fortunately for him, it tastes good, and Ptom is prenaturally disposed to liking Cobb salads in general. At this point, a note arrives for Leon. Duty calls, and he must leave for the rest of the meal. In the kitchen, Alex brings Amanda some veal to test. She finds it close to overcooked, but makes sure to tell us in interview that although Alex has execution problems, and his ouster would help her chances, she'd hate to see her buddy get eliminated.

She and Alex are the next ones to serve. Amanda has consomme with oxtail marmalade, caramelized onions, and shaved gruyere. She's done the best she can to disguise a very easily identifiable dish, but her marmalade is way too sweet. One of the diners compares it to honey-lemon cough syrup. Yikes. Alex's plate has veal and parmesan tortellini, with tomato sauce and tempura cheese. Really? Tempura cheese? I wonder how that tastes. I originally thought the veal was going into the tortellini as well, but it's on the plate as a big chunk of meat, topped with tortellini stuffed with parmesan. The diners find the meat amazingly tough, and though they feel he did perhaps the best job with his disguise, the major execution problems ruin his concept. Ed's plate goes out solo. It's roasted chicken breast, with a ham and cheese croquette, and a spring onion soubise. His dish receives the converse of the reaction to Alex's. The food itself is great, and impresses the entire table, but he didn't really put much thought into the disguise. Service wraps up, and Padma thanks the remaining CIA staff. The chefs tear into the leftovers, and catch an inkling of which way the wind might be blowing. Kelly gently tells Amanda that her soup is a little sweet, while Angelo is blown away by Tiffany's eggplant.

Interstitial. The chefs chat about the secrets Leon Panetta holds. Angelo jokes that he knows the whereabouts of an extra-terrestrial living in Los Angeles, pointing at Alex. He does have kind of a big head.

Fret 'n sweat. The chefs discuss how important the challenge's concept will be to the judging, or if good food will be enough to save a bad idea. We're about to find out. Padma enters, and summons Tiffany, Kelly, and Ed to the dining room. It's not hard to peg this group as the top three, and they're happy to hear it. That settles the question of concept vs. execution, because nobody was impressed with Ed's disguise. Kelly's concept was great, and her spicy broth was balanced nicely with the rice. Tiffany's gyro was high-end and delicious. Ed's dish was perfectly executed. Wylie gets to announce the winner of the challenge and the trip to Paris, which turns out to be... Tiffany. She squeals with delight. I believe this may be the first time in Top Chef history that a chef has won both the Quickfire and the Elimination Challenges in more than one episode. And since I love Tiffany, I'm ecstatic that she's raised the bar for all future contestants. She's just thrilled that no matter the outcome of the season, Top Chef has paid for her wedding, and has now given her a honeymoon trip as well.

Back in the Kitchen, Kevin initially thinks Ed has won, before the top three makes it clear that Tiffany has emerged victorious. It's funny, with all the Kenny vs. Angelo talk, and all the Alex-needs-to-step-up-and-prove-himself grunting from Kevin and Ed, the men of this season seem to be curiously blind to the threat the women pose. I'm not saying they're sexist, but considering all of the challenges Kelly and Tiffany have excelled in, you'd think they'd be noted as potential usurpers. Instead, the guys walk around bumping chests and seeing who can pee the farthest, while Tiffany quietly puts away a double episode sweep. Her win is applauded before she shares the bad news that the judges would like to see Alex, Amanda, and Angelo. Not a good week for the A's, I'm afraid.

The bottom three head out to the dining room. Amanda probably takes the wrong tack when she explains that she knows she didn't do a great job disguising her dish, but was aiming more for flavor than concept. Wylie agrees that she didn't seize various opportunities to mask the soup better. Ptom suggests a panna cotta, apparently forgetting that that particular dish may as well be served with a little card that reads: "Please eliminate me tonight!" That wasn't Amanda's only problem, though. Her marmalade was far too sweet. Angelo didn't put any creativity into his concept, and the disappointment of the puff pastry could have easily been avoided with a little of the reinvention specifically requested by the challenge.

Alex's disguise was well thought-out, but his execution was way off the mark. He tells the judges that he wanted to try some new, creative techniques, which gives them the opportunity to nail him on one of those tiresome Catch-22s the judges are so fond of. This chestnut says that if you try to do something new, you should be eliminated for wandering out of your comfort zone. If you stay in your comfort zone, you should be eliminated for not taking enough risks. I understand that there's a delicate balance between successful food and a wide range of technique, but they often (as in this case) do not straddle this line well when it comes to deliberation. Unfortunately for Alex, it doesn't matter much, because no matter what risks he took, the result was bad food, pure and simple. Ptom tells all three chefs that they've essentially turned in their worst work of the competition. After that, they're dismissed. Angelo beats up on himself back in the Kitchen. Kelly interviews that while he's a nice guy, it'd be much smoother sailing in the competition if he got eliminated.

Deliberations. None of the bottom three addressed the challenge parameters well, and all of them put out terrible dishes. Wait, I thought Alex did approach the challenge with all of the appropriate creativity, but just didn't cook the food well. Didn't they just finish saying that? The judges admit that he had a viable idea, but add that he couldn't carry it through. Amanda failed on just about every level. Angelo's Beef Wellington would "make Julia Child very sad". That's about the worst thing anyone could ever say about my cooking. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. I really need to come up with a shorthand term for those ridiculously terrible wordplay phrases Ptom recites each week. You'd think somebody would have noticed at this point how cringeworthy they are, and yet... "You were asked to take a dish and disguise it, and in all your cases, your cover was blown." Hork. Padma delivers the bad news. Alex. Please pack your knives and go. He thanks the judges, and shrugs in his final interview that at this point, there's no allowable margin of error. He's unhappy with his overall placement, but takes the events of the competition in stride, choosing not to make a big deal over false accusations of pea puree theft (DRINK!) and anger over his Restaurant War contributions. Yeah, I think he's gotten a bum rap in that household; it makes me somewhat sad for him. He doesn't seem to mind as much, saying that he strives every day to make himself a better person. Well, he may have been unfairly maligned by his competitors, but if he's taking suggestions: Be nicer to your waitstaff.

Overall Grade: B

Creatures From the Black Legume

Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 10

Previously on Top Chef: A restaurant war broke out in the otherwise peaceful kingdom. Michael clashed with Bryan and Robin, because while the word "chef" may derive from the word for "leader", cooking good food doesn't necessarily make you a good manager. Conversely, not being able to handle the dining room doesn't mean you can't cook, but Laurine still got dumped. Seven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. As with the oink-oink-slurp-slurp episode, I'm converting the short blog entry to the full recap months after the entire season has come to a close. If you give me $100, I'll tell you what life is like in early 2010, pitiful past-dweller!

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Jenc's depression spiral is deepening, as she beats herself up about how crappily she performed in the Restaurant Wars challenge. She tells us that she'll attempt to wipe the slate clean and approach the upcoming day with renewed vigor. Robin is pleased as punch that she has survived another round.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs enter the Kitchen, where they are met by Padma and this week's guest judge, Paul Bartolotta, who Mike tells us is a well-known Vegas Italian chef. I'll take his word for it. Tonight's Quickfire is one of those weird, take-a-bunch-of-ideas-and-put-them-in-a-blender challenges. The chefs will pull knives with television shows on them, then reinvent a TV dinner to a gourmet dish in the vein of their chosen show. What a scatterbrained idea. Why not ask the chefs to cook in the style of their grandmothers, but to pretend that their grandmothers have traveled back in time fifty years, then returned to the present, but find themselves directly across the Earth from their starting point? The chefs pull their knives:

Kevin - The Sopranos
Eli - Gilligan's Island
Jenc - The Flintstones
Robin - Sesame Street
Bryan - M*A*S*H
Mike - Seinfeld
Michael - Cheers

The chefs have an hour to pull their dishes together, and Padma starts the clock. Robin tells us that she's never seen a full episode of Sesame Street. Robin needs to be slapped in the face with a raw mackerel. She manages to dredge up the names of Cookie Monster and Big Bird, so she's going to make some sort of cookie/egg concoction. Michael kind of disses his dad by saying that after his parents' divorce, his mom would cook dinners for everyone to sit at the table and enjoy, but living with his father meant TV dinners. He hopes to evoke Cheers through the use of bar food. Jenc wants to make something with a big ol' bone in it. And it should be heavy enough to topple a car. Unfortunately, there aren't any big-boned meats in the fridge, so she appears to just begin some random dish with chicken. Eli has never watched Gilligan's Island, but knows enough of the broad theme to put a dish together. Bryan is making a hearty, welcome-home-soldier kind of dish. Oddly, Kevin pulls a theme of family togetherness from The Sopranos instead of going the obvious route and making something Italian. He does realize that the "togetherness" often found in that show involved people putting bullets in their family members' skulls, yes? Jenc burns her sauce. Time winds down.

Paul and Padma have the chefs serve their dishes in those olde-tyme compartmentalized trays. Jenc has made chicken roulade with garlic cream sauce, pea salad, and caramelized peaches with hazelnuts. This food has zero association with The Flintstones. Mike has made sausage and peppers, pistachio sauce, mushrooms and cheese, and a warm fruit salad. This food has zero association with Seinfeld. He admits he hasn't seen the show (surprising, but not worth a fish-slap like completely ignoring Sesame Street). Kevin has braised some meatballs, and serves them with creamy polenta, roasted cauliflower, and honey-roasted pear. I guess meatballs sort of call back to The Sopranos, but not much. You see what happens when the challenge makes no sense? The food is all over the place.

Eli serves macadamia- and cashew-crusted shrimp, with sweet potato puree, tropical herb salad, and some cherries and bananas. Michael serves Parmesan chicken tenders with braised Swiss chard and cherry pie. Zero association with Cheers. Robin serves a hamburger with egg, crispy kale, a carrot salad, and an almond-laced cookie. Maybe a 5% association with Sesame Street. Bryan has meatloaf, asparagus, mashed potatoes, and an apple tarte tatin. OK, that makes sense. Still, I never thought I'd see the day that Eli did the best job of interpreting a challenge.

Results. The bottom two are Jenc, for her disappointing roulade and icky pea salad, and Robin, for her dry burger. The top two are Kevin, for his delightful meatball, and Bryan, for his equally delightful meat and dessert. The ultimate winner is... Kevin. He doesn't get immunity, but his dish will be featured in a line of Top Chef frozen foods. Yeah, this is a good show, but I couldn't be buying those less.

Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the chefs they'll be cooking at Ptom's restaurant at the MGM Grand. They'll be cooking for four judges and seven other guests. Ptom's restaurant is heavy on the steak, which Robin says she doesn't eat much of. At least she's got a reasonable excuse for that, unlike never seeing Sesame Street. That night, Jenc's depression spiral widens, and she again tells us that she needs to focus. Less talking about it. More doing it. The chefs hang out on their beds and discuss the meat-laden menu that they'll be putting together.

The next day, they're driven to Ptom's restaurant, where they immediately take stock of all the delicious animal flesh in the place. Ptom enters, and introduces the chefs to the special guest diner for the evening: Natalie Portman. Mike's face is covered by a wide grin that hints at his obvious boner. Natalie pretends that she's an adventurous eater before dropping the real bomb on the chefs: she's a vegetarian. There shall be no meat served tonight. Kevin is thrown for a loop, for obvious reasons, while Robin is thrilled. Ptom and Natalie take off, and the chefs indecorously raid the produce shelves. Eli and Jenc flip a dehydrated orange slice to determine who gets to use the eggplant. What, you're too good for rock/paper/scissors? Jenc loses the toss, and consoles herself by getting some baby eggplants. Is the flavor any different than the big ones? Mike plans on making leeks look like scallops. Kevin tells us that during Lent, he and his wife go vegetarian, so while this dish will be a challenge, he's more than up to it.

Cooking begins. Kevin hopes to make a satisfying dish with kale, turnips, and mushrooms. Sure, that mixture sounds pretty hearty. Meanwhile, Robin is overwhelmed by the sheer availability of so many ingredients. Her brain goes in a thousand different directions, and she can't refine any ideas. Mike is flipping Fate a double middle finger by shrugging that it doesn't really matter what he cooks. Who cares? It's all good! What could possibly go wrong? Nothing can stop me now! His overconfidence sprouts (tee-hee) from the fact that he grew up with a vegan mother. Eli wants to provide a meaty texture with big hunks of eggplant. Michael plays with different textures of asparagus, and also works on a banana/polenta mixture. He shoos Robin away from his pot of boiling water. Meanwhile, Mike is finding out that when you don't put your leeks on direct heat, they won't cook fast enough. He crosses his fingers, and hopes for the best.

Jenc is still complaining that baby eggplant is harder to work with than its bigger cousin, and I still don't understand why. Towards the end of the time limit, Bryan worries that he won't get everything done. Mike is having a far rougher time of it. His leeks aren't cooked through, and don't have enough flavor. That's not even taking plating into consideration. "It is what it is," he grins. He still doesn't seem to care very much about his situation, though I can't tell if that's because he doesn't think it matters very much how vegetarian food is executed or what. Robin has issues, as well. The garbanzo beans, which I think were supposed to be the star of her entire dish, haven't made it onto three of her plates when time runs out. I'm having a hard time figuring out why people are scrambling to make sure their veggies are done on time. It's not like peppers and kale take a long time to cook. Maybe the time limit is spanking everyone because they had to conceive their dishes on the spot. Robin slides from loving the challenge to worrying about getting booted.

Out in the dining room, Padma welcomes Natalie, her friends, and the other judges. Gail is back, thank God. Robin serves first. She has squash blossom, a beet carpaccio, fresh garbanzo beans (on some), and a chermoula sauce. Padma immediately pegs the sauce as way too salty, and Ptom is one of the unlucky few to not get any garbanzo beans. Leaving the head judge hanging can't be good news for Robin. Natalie allows that it was a very pretty plate, but Gail and Ptom agree with Padma that the entire dish has seasoning issues. Eli is up next. He's got a radish salad with herbs, confit of eggplant, creamed lentils, and a garlic puree. Looks good to me. He gets mostly positive reviews. The salad is tasty, and the eggplant has a nice texture. Paul finds a big hit of lavender in his food, which overpowers everything else.

Michael has a brief moment of panic in locating his hazelnuts, but manages to get everything plated. He's taking a more conceptual, artistic approach to the dish, saying that it will confuse the diners, but ultimately that they'll love it. He presents three types of asparagus in a salad, a Japanese tomato "sashimi", and the aforementioned banana polenta. His food gets a lot of positive feedback before the judges get down to brass tacks. Gail finds lumps of banana in the polenta that are a bit off-putting. One of the diners likens Michael to Picasso, though I can't tell if she means that he's a misunderstood genius or that his work can be wildly off-kilter to either its benefit or detriment. Just as he'd hoped, Natalie is confused, but pleased. Jenc isn't loving how her plates look; they're considerably smaller than everyone else's. She brings out her charred eggplant with braised fennel, tomato coins, and a verjus nage sauce. Her frayed nerves cause her hands to shake, and she flings sauce everywhere. The diners note this when she's gone. Gail thinks "everything tastes beautifully [sic]". Ah, yes. As I mentioned in the short summary of the episode, just because no animals were harmed in the making of these Elimination dishes, it doesn't mean the episode isn't full of violence. In this case, the English language is about to be brutally murdered.

Nothing is wrong with Jenc's flavor -- the flying sauce gets particularly good reviews -- but Gail does catch that Jenc's plate isn't as substantial as the others they've gotten. Natalie pegs that as a common problem facing vegetarians; the offerings are more a collection of sides than an entree. A friend of Natalie's says Jenc's food would be a great side dish next to a steak. Heh. As a side note, he's a bigger flame than the Olympic torch. Mike mostly likes how his food has come out, but knows that the leeks aren't where they should be. He seems to hope that everyone will simply overlook that. He describes his food as simple and clean, saying that it's "got [him] this far [sic]".

He tells the diners he wanted to give the feel of a hearty protein, so he whole-roasted the leeks, and serves them with onion jus, baby carrot puree, radish, and fingerling potatoes. Padma's, like, "Um, where's the protein?" Mike says that the leek is supposed to convey that idea. Er... His plate is not a hit. It smells funny, and nobody likes how it tastes. He's damned with faint praise when people describe it as pretty, and that he may have had a good idea that wasn't executed well. Bryan barely gets his food out on time, and in fact must leave some things off. His dish is an artichoke barigoule (braised with white wine), confit of shallot, garlic blossoms, wild asparagus, and a fennel puree. The diners find the garlic quite spicy. "It's like a little prick on the top of my tongue," Padma says.

Viewing party: "That's what she said!"

Natalie catches the double entendre, too, and everyone laughs at Padma. Padma rephrases, and says that the shallot flavor is a little sharp, especially when paired with the garlic blossoms. More penis jokes are offered. Back in the kitchen, Kevin is disappointed with how sloppy his food looks. He's made a mushroom duo with smoked kale, candied garlic, and a double turnip puree. The diners immediately find the hearty, meaty richness that other dishes were lacking. Gale says that the only off-balance component she detected was a really strong smoky flavor from the kale. Flaming Friend says that it was so hearty that he didn't even miss an accompanying grain, let alone meat.

The chefs pack up their stuff. Michael tastes the food that Bryan didn't get onto his plate (not that it's ever identified), and gives him a royal backhanded compliment, saying that it's greasy, anyway. Mike knows that his food wasn't up to par, but points out that Robin didn't get all of her food onto the plate. He doesn't know whether his was worse or "not as worse". "Not as worse"? [SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC]. He tells us he's not concerned about surviving to the next round. I can't tell if he's honestly that deluded about himself or if he's trying to keep up a front of confidence. Jenc's depression spiral deepens even further. It's rough to watch such a strong contender fall apart before our eyes.

Interstitial. The chefs eat at Paul's restaurant. Kevin pigs out.

Fret 'n sweat. The chefs drink a wine called Quickfire. Heh. Padma enters, and summons Kevin, Michael, and Eli to Judges' Table. The three are pleased to be told they had the favorite dishes of the evening. Michael's dish was excessively weird, but very good. Eli's dish was beautiful, and his smoky lentils were a pleasure. Kevin's dish was delicious and rich. Of everyone, his most successfully replaced the usual need for meat. Natalie gets to announce the winner, which turns out to be... Kevin. He wins some cookware. Like he doesn't have fifty sets of it back home.

Since we're restricted to plants, Michael finds a nice, big lemon to suck on. He whines that Kevin's dish was just a plate of vegetables tossed together, which is clearly not the case when you consider what the judges said. Kevin's concept was far from: "Drop a bunch of stuff on the plate and hope it goes well." Michael is emanating almost visible waves of jealousy, and I think it stems (tee-hee) from the fact that he considers himself far more sophisticated than Kevin. And you know, he may be. But people don't want to come home and watch avant-garde opera every night. People don't wear runway fashions to work. And people don't always want artistic, conceptual food for dinner. There's a vast canyon between haute cuisine and Burger King, and it would behoove Michael to realize when to pull back on the whole Passionate Artiste thing.

Kevin gets tepid applause back in the Kitchen. Eli tells the assembled chefs that the judges want to see Robin, Jenc, and Mike. The losing chefs head out. The editors have fun juxtaposing a shot of Kevin beaming with a shot of Michael looking like he wants to hold Kevin underwater until the struggling stops. Natalie asks Mike why he didn't include a protein. He explains his idea to cut, braise, and sear leeks so that they looked like scallops. OK, but he realizes that a food resembling a protein doesn't make it one, right? Gail essentially spells that out for him. Padma tells him that his leeks were too pungent and not cooked uniformly. Mike tries to point out the things that didn't go wrong with his dish, but Ptom informs him that it didn't really matter, because his main component had gone so horribly awry. Mike rocks back and forth on his feet tensely, and offers the following defense: "Whatever, whatever." Eloquent.

Robin says she often eats vegetarian food, and describes all the ingredients she used that she's never used before. Ptom looks impatient. Jenc looks suicidal. Ptom tells Robin that her dish was all over the map, and didn't have a focal point to tie it together. Gail points out the saltiness of the chermoula sauce, and Ptom chimes in about the missing garbanzo beans. The entire dish was just kind of a mess. Jenc's food didn't reflect the two hours she had to cook, and the judges wonder why she's such a bundle of nerves of all sudden. She once again hopes for a chance to pull herself out of her death spin, though she realizes that she may not get it. The chefs are dismissed. Mike offers the following summary of the judging: "Whatever, whatever. It is what it is." I'm shocked that he's never been asked to give a commencement address.

Deliberations. Ptom enjoyed the difficulty of the challenge, and Natalie talks about the real world applications of having to improvise for specialized eaters. Jenc is falling apart, and didn't make enough food. Mike's dish was poorly cooked, and his attitude plainly sucks. Gail once again proves why she's the best judge, as she completely nails him as not caring that his food wasn't up to par, and that he arrogantly assumes that he'll be easily be able to sail by. Never leave again, Gail. The other judges say that it wasn't just his leeks that sucked, but that the entire plate was subpar. Mike drops two more "whatevers" in the Kitchen. Robin had no cohesive idea, and she shouldn't have tried a bunch of new techniques this late in the game.

Elimination. Jenc steels herself. None of the bottom three dealt with the challenge's curveball well. Mike should have been able to cook leeks in two hours. Robin's dish was pretty, but unbalanced. Jenc is coming apart at the seams, and served a garnish for dinner. None of the them rose to the occasion like their competitors, and it's time for one of them to go. Padma? Will you do the honors? Mike. Please pack your knives and go. "Whatever" your way out of that one, douche. He tries to keep a lid on his anger as he shakes the judges' hands and thanks them. In his final interview, he tells us he should have done better in this challenge, given his culinary background. A little late for self-awareness, but I guess I'll take it where I can get it. Naturally, he can't resist getting one last dig in at Robin-the-pathetic-weakling. And you know, I'd generally support her going before him, but for the fact that her outlasting him will drive him crazy until the day he dies. Totally worth it.

Overall Grade: B-

You're Gonna Get Me Killed

The Amazing Race - Season 13, Episode 10

Figures. We finally get an episode with worthwhile tasks, and it ends like that. The teams stick to Moscow, first heading to a submarine sonar room to pick up a clue from a movie extra. OK, that's not what I meant by "worthwhile tasks". The clue directs teams to a park with leftover monuments to leaders of Russia's past, because like my dad, Russia never wants to throw anything away. Once there, a Roadblock forces the chosen team member to count statues of both Lenin and Stalin, then combine the number to give to a bookseller, who directs them to an address where the next clue awaits. Tricky! It trips up everyone but Nick, who powers through this and the rest of the leg with ruthless efficiency.

Upon getting the right answer, Tina passes it along to Dallas, which doesn't make Ken too happy when he hears about it. He needn't have worried, though, because upon arriving at the final address, Dallas leaves all the money and passports in his cab. That mistake is compounded when he and Toni deliberately disregard the clue's instruction to take a taxi because metro fare will be easier to beg for. They get sent back to take a taxi, which allows Andrew and Dan all the time they need to complete their Speed Bump, which involves dancing.

The Detour sends teams on either a complicated series of stops via metro, or a slightly less complicated series of stops via trolley bus. Nick and Starr choose the metro, and zoom through with no problem whatsoever. Tina/Ken/Andrew/Dan choose the trolley, and they have some initial issues, but work it out fairly quickly.

Toni and Dallas? Sigh. They just inch from stop to stop, begging for the necessary fare each time. In the end, Phil doesn't even wait for them to get to the mat, but just tracks them down and eliminates them where they stand. So the Fratties become the most incompetent team ever to stumble their way into the final three, and I officially don't give a good goddamn who wins this chore of a season. Hooray for everything!

Overall Grade: C

In Vino Veri-ta-tas

America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 10

Marjorie, heavy with the knowledge that the judges have had it up to their ugly bling with her nerve fits, vows to relax and enjoy every moment from here on out. Unfortunately, the only way she can relax is by getting blitzed.

First, though, Paulina gives a teach about wordless acting, which is an unusually pertinent topic to cover for this show, but is also boring as shit to watch. It's set up for the later challenge, in which the girls must silently run on a treadmill while flirting with a male model, then kiss him and run away. Paulina and some other random judge nod solemnly through all the performances, even though all the girls' acting faces the audience (us), and the judges just see the back of their heads. In any event, all four of them do better than expected, with Marjorie taking the prize for her natural demeanor. She and Analeigh split a shopping spree at a bland store that the show unsuccessfully tries to play up as trendy.

Back at the pad, the girls invite the guys who drove their boats around to the go-sees up for a party. Marjorie gets wasted and hops in the tub with one of them (fully-clothed), and Analeigh acts like Marjorie's one step away from doing a bump of coke off his ass and jumping out the window. The party becomes unfun in a hurry, and Samantha and McKey display some more awesomeness by kicking the guys out.

The photo shoot is boring, and just features the girls looking like replicants, standing in front of a windmill. McKey is reliably good, and Analeigh continues doing quite well while simultaneously putting me to sleep. Samantha starts off extremely rocky, but manages to pull it together for her last frames. Marjorie is terrible. In her determination to hold her nerves in check, she winds up looking stiff and awkward. Though Tyra would dearly love to eliminate Samantha, the judges simply can't overlook the fact that her photo is so superior to Marjorie's, and Marjorie gets the boot. Guess she should have stuck with her nerve meltdowns, after all.

Overall Grade: B-

Cap and Gowns

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 10

Remember that episode of The Simpsons where they re-edit the end of Gone With the Wind to give it a bland ending so that it'll be palatable to senile old people? It's like they took that concept and spread it across this entire season. Tonight's challenge deals with mothers, which as we all know, has the potential to create some very delicious conflict. But not these snoozers. The specific challenge is to create an outfit for young women who have just graduated college and are entering the workforce. The catch is that the girls' moms have come along to offer advice and criticism.

Tim Gunn: "They are both your clients."
Tiffany: "So make them look like whores."

None of the clients give anyone much trouble, with the minor exception of the mother bugging Leanne, but even she's not that bad. So, clothes are constructed. Limecrete wanders to the dining room to stock up on wine and cheese. Runway show.

Leanne makes some changes to please the chatty mother, but manages to retain her aesthetic. It turns out well. Kenley makes yet another retro dress, turning her girl into a miniature version of herself. Her nasal voice and snide attitude is starting to really grate. Korto does fine work as usual. She's really the most versatile and talented designer. Joe makes a shockingly ill-fitting outfit that looks like crap. Jerell's is fine. Suede's dress isn't entirely tragic, but it doesn't suit the girl or her chosen profession. Plus, the jacket over the dress is hideous. When it comes down to decisions, Kenley, Korto, and Jerell land in the top three. Jerell wins, which is a lot more understandable this time. That leaves Leanne, Joe, and Suede in the bottom three. Leanne is clearly head and shoulders above the other two, and is declared safe almost immediately. Even though Suede has pretty much thoroughly sucked and Joe has had one or two triumphs, nobody can overlook just how bad Joe's entry is this week, and he's eliminated. Then he says he'll teach his daughters that dreams can be so big that they'll consume you. Or something.

Overall Grade: C+

Serve and Protect

Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 10

Previously on Top Chef: Team Awesome appeared to have the goods and dispositions to completely demolish Team Crappy, but in a dramatic twist... That's exactly what happened. Dale spent the episode needing a pacifier and a nap. The chefs and Andrew's culinary boner catered a wedding, and when Nikki didn't step up to take charge of the Italian menu, no amount of her teammates' mistakes and arguments could save her. Seven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. A veggie platter, a plate of cheese that lasted four seconds once LabRat set his sights on it, ginger snaps (store-bought, yes, but still an amazingly comforting food), and some much-needed sparkling white that Kender was good enough to share.

A time-lapse morning comes to Chicago. Stephanie plucks her eyebrows, and we learn that Richard wears pink crocs. No need to call his sexuality into question; just his taste. Everyone's still pretty tired from the all-night wedding challenge. Spike, talking about Dale, interviews the same point I've made countless times in this blog -- having an "I'm not here to make friends" attitude is fairly pointless and likely to haunt you at some point. Dale doesn't much care about what the others think. You know, except when he'd like them to help him with his work. Andrew is the only one who isn't worn down at this point. He's still a big 'ol bag of crazy, interviewing that he's ready to either stab someone or make some amazing food. Oh, why limit yourself? Those things aren't mutually exclusive! The chefs head out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs come into the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma and Season 2 contestant Sam. Antonia dutifully interviews about how good-looking he is. I imagine we're supposed to forget about how that attractive shell surrounds a passive-aggressive, shit-starting, screaming bully. Hey, producers... Remember how everyone hated the second season? Remember how you didn't even have a reunion show, because you rightly guessed that nobody wanted to watch yet ANOTHER hour of a gang of assholes piling on an annoying-but-harmless guy? Let me offer this hint to you, completely free of charge: The best way to put that behind you is to let the twats who competed that season sink back into obscurity where they belong.

At any rate, Sam will be the guest judge for the week, because being a pretty sack of personality flaws doesn't mean you can't cook. Plus, he's diabetic, which figures into the challenges. For the Quickfire, the chefs will be making a dish that has "fallen on some hard times". The salad. Fallen on some hard times, my ass. Every eatery, from the finest restaurant to the corner coffee shop to the fast food greasebomb on the interstate serves them these days. Not that it's always quality food, but everyone recognizes their worth. If anything, I'd say we're almost in a Golden Age for salads. The chefs know that making a good and interesting salad can be just as difficult as making a good and interesting entree. They've got forty-five minutes to create a new and "sexy" salad. The fact that the producers are trying to punch this challenge up by nonsensically adding "sexy" to it is embarrassing for them, and I'll do them the favor of not mentioning it again. Padma starts the clock, and Andrew and Spike go from zero to running almost instantly. Impressive.

Spike says that Quickfires aren't his forte. Don't sell yourself short, Spike. Looking at your challenge record, I'd say that Elimination Challenges aren't your forte, either. He throws some meat on the grill. Richard's doing a take on ceviche. Lisa disdains the simplicity of other people's salads. She goes on to say that some other people don't belong here, as they're not great chefs, and their personalities suck ass. The camera helpfully jumps over to Dale. Eh, I don't disagree, but since Sam is judging this week, I wouldn't count on someone with a sucky personality being dinged for it. I'm sure Lisa herself will continue to be a ray of joy and friendliness. Stephanie concentrates on autumnal flavors. Antonia works on a spinach salad with poached egg and bacon. Yum. She notes that Lisa is using lobster, and interviews that Lisa is stronger competition than Antonia originally pegged her as. Time winds down. Chefs run to and fro. When time runs out, Stephanie realizes that she forgot to put her artichoke chip on the plate. Geez. I can tell she's one of the more talented chefs, but could she suck harder at Quickfires?

Padma and Sam go down the line. Andrew has made a Thai fruit salad with mango, strawberry, raspberry, and Sriracha dressing with lime juice and sugar. Sam says the Sriracha has a nice flavor. Spike's plate is a mess, but sounds tasty. It includes skirt steak, pineapple, radish, cucumber, and greens. Lisa has grilled squid and lobster tail, and put them into a salad that also has banana and grapefruit yuzu vinaigrette. Now, I love squid, I love lobster, and I love bananas. Together, though? It sounds pretty nasty. All Padma and Sam can taste is the banana. Stephanie's "fall duet" is poached pear and artichokes with a pear vinaigrette. She mentions the missing artichoke chips that should be on top. I would have just pretended they never existed, and hoped for the best. I doubt one scores a lot of points for forthrightness, at least in the Quickfire.

Antonia presents her spinach salad with poached egg, wild mushrooms, sunchokes, bacon vinaigrette, and squash blossoms. I withdraw my "yum" until those mushrooms are removed. The egg bursts into glorious yolk gore when it's cut, which is the perfect way to eat poached eggs. Sam says it has great flavor. Richard calls his salad "fresh and clean", and it looks like a plate of rabbit food. Salads like this are why people make fun of vegetarians. All we hear about it is that it's a ceviche of various fruits and vegetables. Dale has made a poached chicken salad (which is in quotes for some reason -- is it or isn't it a poached chicken salad?) with nori paste, mirin, sake, and rice wine vinegar. It's pretty. Sam tells him that he's successfully avoided the pitfall of overdrying the poached chicken.

Results. First in the bottom three is Richard, whose salad needed acid. Next is Stephanie, who didn't plate all her food, and whose vinaigrette was lacking. Last in the bottom three is Lisa, and I owe Stephanie a bit of an apology, for while she's not good in Quickfires, Lisa's even worse. Her salad was all banana. First in the top three is Spike, who had a well-balanced, flavorful salad. Antonia's salad had great texture. Dale's use of nori was inspired. Pissy shot of Lisa. Padma asks who Sam has selected as the Quickfire winner, and he chooses Spike. Spike is pleased to score his first Quickfire win, even though he doesn't get immunity. Padma tells him he'll get a significant advantage in the Elimination Challenge. Oh, an "advantage"? What, does he get to choose which car he'll ride over to the store in?

Elimination Challenge. Padma and Sam bring in a tray of greasy food, like burgers and onion rings. Lisa describes this, but sheepishly admits that she's kind of craving it now. See, I wish we saw more of that Lisa. When she's not devoting herself to being a cranky witch, she can be kind of awesome. Richard just concentrates on how this is going to figure into the challenge. Padma says that obesity is a big problem in America. It certainly doesn't help me find a seat on the train. Move over, fatass. Sam says that as a diabetic, it can be tough to find flavorful food that's low in carbs and sugar. The greasy food shown is a typical lunch order for Chicago's finest, and Padma tells them that their challenge this week will be to create a gourmet boxed lunch for policemen. The chefs must all use a whole grain, a lean protein, a fruit, and a vegetable. As winner of the Quickfire, Spike gets a ten-minute head start on the shopping. Not only that, but the ingredients he chooses to fulfill the four requirements may not be used by any other chef. He is, of course, delighted at another opportunity to be a rapscallion, because in case the hats didn't tip you off, image is very important to him. Stephanie knows that he's going to screw everyone else over, but Andrew doesn't care, saying that his background in nutrition will pull him through.

Commercials. Go discover the "original" flavors at Qdoba. They're the only Mexican eatery that would ever think of stuff like cheese, flour tortillas, and tomatoes.

Whole Foods. Spike begins his ten-minute head start. Since he so enjoys being delightfully naughty, his strategy is to select ingredients that will screw over his competition the hardest. Not that I'm against creating obstacles for your competitors -- it's certainly fair in this case -- but you'd think he'd at least put a modicum of thought into what he's going to, you know, COOK. He does not. He selects chicken breast, bread, lettuce, and tomato as his four components. These are obviously Everyman kinds of ingredients, and will force the other chefs to be that much more creative. Antonia, once again speaking from within my brain, says that Spike's ingredient choices make her think that he hasn't put a lot of thought into his own dish. Spike pats himself on the back for being so devious, failing to notice the giant banner reading "Pride Goeth Before..." that may as well be hanging above the door. Andrew disdains the idea that he'd use such dumbed-down ingredients anyway, though he certainly doesn't put it past his competitors.

So now everyone has half an hour and $175 to shop. Stephanie admits she was thinking of doing something with chicken and tomatoes, and now has to rethink her plan. Her new plan apparently involves feeling up the phallic squash. Lisa's Plan B revolves around stir-fry, and she grabs some shrimp. Richard wants to do a play on a burrito with bok choy and tuna. Andrew plays up his nutritional background again. Know what he doesn't have a strong background in? Listening to challenge parameters. Er...spoiler!

The next morning, the chefs get started on their two hours of preparations. Stephanie explains that the police officers will be in charge of microwaving their own food; the chefs just need to hand everything over with instructions. Antonia works on curried beef with jasmine and brown rice, and a grapefruit salad. She recalls that she's been doing well with healthy cooking challenges, and is confident she's in good shape. Andrew is whipping together a sushi roll, but instead of rice, he's combining parsnip and pine nuts. The rest will be raw salmon and lots of vegetables. He wants to show everyone else who The Man is. If it's The Man Who Never Listens to the Challenge Parameters, he can set up a little tent, and start charging five cents admission right now. Stephanie wonders how a few bites of sushi is going to be a hearty, fulfilling lunch.

Dale makes some lettuce cups that are really cabbage, neatly circumventing Spike's obstacle. His protein is bison meat, which he's preparing in a Vietnamese style. He explains that bison has fifty percent less fat and cholesterol than beef. Good to know. Antonia sniffs that Dale can only make Asian food. Lisa says her dish with be mainly vegetables, with the shrimp thrown into a shrimp/pineapple soy sauce. She starts her brown rice early, saying that it takes a long time. Andrew admonishes Lisa about the high cholesterol in shrimp. Lisa, who is no slouch herself in the "Top Chef 4 - Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us!" motif of the season, proves she's learned something by pointing out that the challenge specifically calls for low carbs and low fat, but says nothing about cholesterol. She doesn't want to be on the chopping block for good food/bad idea again, so she's trying to be careful.

Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. Stephanie explains her mushroom/leek soup with meatballs, saying nothing about the squash she's stirring. Lisa's throwing some edamame into her stir-fry, and asks if Ptom dares to try her hot sauce. He dares, and from the look on his face, this sauce is no joke in the heat department. Spike is making chicken salad. We don't hear much about it, so I don't know how it differs from an ordinary, run-of-the-mill chicken salad anyone could whip together in twenty minutes. Richard is throwing rice, lentils, tuna, and quinoa into his faux burritos. After telling everyone to start boxing their food, Ptom tells us that everyone seems focused, and nobody wants to be eliminated. Fascinating.

With a little less than half an hour left, Lisa suddenly discovers that the burner under her brown rice has been turned up to high. This makes the outside burnt and the inside raw. She firmly believes that she's been sabotaged. Stephanie and Dale aren't buying, interviewing that someone, possibly Lisa herself, just made a mistake. I don't pretend to know for sure, but I'm with them. As with shady dealings in the past, if this truly was intentional sabotage, I find it odd that none of the four hundred bazillion cameras caught a glimpse of it. Besides, I find it hard to believe that people are very threatened by Lisa. Tonight's Quickfire is the sixth challenge in a row she's been at the bottom of. Not exactly a force to be reckoned with, there. She tries to salvage the rice by putting some cooking liquid on it, hoping that the microwave takes care of the rest. Time begins to wind down. Dale nearly eats it tripping over a trashcan. Spike drops a knife. People rush to put things in coolers. Spike drops more knives. Does he have an inner ear infection? Everyone wheels their coolers out, Richard's fugly pink crocs bringing up the rear.

Commercials. Watch a Bravo awards show in which Bravo gives awards to...shows on Bravo.

Police academy. Training montage. One female recruit is terrible at push-ups. The chefs pull up, and we hear what the challenge entails for like the third time. They enter the cafeteria, and have a few minutes to set up their stuff and write descriptive labels about the food and how to heat it up, if necessary. Lisa frets over her rice. Uniformed officers stride in. I fruitlessly scan for hot ones. Cops line up at the tables, and the chefs explain what they've made. Richard cheeses it up by asking everyone who approaches his table if they like burritos. He interviews something unimportant, which I only bring up to point out that he's wearing a hairband at the front of his faux-hawk, which makes him look like this. Spike makes fun of Richard's gimmick. Spike himself would never stoop to something so weak and obvious. Except that he sets out his boxed lunches two at a time, trying to make it appear like they're in demand. Ooh, what a rapscallion! Cops chow down.

Stephanie gives the judges (including Ted instead of Gail -- boo!) her mushroom and meatball soup with barley, a squash and celery root vegetable puree, and some yogurt. The cops and judges enjoy it. Spike gives Padma his chicken salad. The bread, tomato, and lettuce are all on the side, so they're unessential to the chicken salad itself, which combines grapes, olives, and jicama, but leaves out the mayo. A cop likes it, but the judges are unimpressed with how pedestrian it is, and how Spike didn't really use three of his four components. Dale hands out his lemongrass bison cabbage wrap with brown rice and an herb salad. That sounds good; I love lemongrass. Ted thinks it could use some heat, but likes it overall. Antonia gives two officers her curry beef with filet mignon, jasmine rice, berries, figs, and grape syrup. I'd be curious to try that. Padma heartily enjoys the flavors. Sam agrees in a deadpan monotone.

Andrew gives Ted a dish with four lonely little sushi bites in it. As mentioned before, it's a salmon roll with a parsnip/pine nut "rice", and some pickled ginger with wasabi. Food tidbit for you: Wasabi apparently helps fight tooth decay. Cue "The More You Know" star. The cops and judges find it strange and messy. Padma notes that Andrew didn't use any whole grain, as was stipulated in the rules. Top Chef 4 - Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us! Richard asks Sam his stock question about liking burritos. Spike smirks. Richard gives Sam a grilled tuna burrito with lentils and quinoa wrapped in a rice paper tortilla. There is some hot sauce and fresh lime on the side.

Limecrete: "That looks really good."
Tiffany: "I don't know, I've never really been a big fan of tuna."
Limecrete: "That's not what I've heard."

Everyone enjoys the burrito, including an officer of indeterminate... Well... I mean, I feel entitled to make fun of the chefs all I want, as they signed up for the experience of being dissected and ridiculed. But I don't want to be too harsh with random people who find themselves on the show, unless they bring it on themselves. So it is with no judgment that I say that the person nodding their approval over the burrito isn't easily labeled, gender-wise. Ptom gets Lisa's stir-fry, which aside from the shrimp and brown rice, has some berries and yogurt on the side. Padma immediately picks up on the undercooked rice. A cop remarks on the incredibly spicy sauce, but covers his manliness by insisting that it's very good. His equally manly friend agrees that the spice isn't overpowering. The camera cuts away, and the two of them fall to floor in the fetal position. OK, not really. I'm just trying to wring some entertainment out of this. The police take their leave, and the chefs are right behind them, speculating about their chances. Dale doesn't think there's a clear winner and loser, as there has been in past challenges. The judges remain in the cafeteria to deliberate, and already seem to have their favorites and least favorites picked out.

Commercials. Guy's Face: "Thanks for the tip about these new phones. Now get off my property."

Fret 'n' sweat. As Lisa talks about her rice issues, Andrew finally catches the snap that he didn't include a whole grain, as he was supposed to. Padma enters, and summons Dale and Stephanie to Judges' Table. Obviously, these two had the favorites of the judges, though I wonder why they didn't pick a third. Dale says he wanted to make something satisfying. Ptom thinks he did a great job with texture and flavor. Stephanie says she's fairly unfamiliar with barley, but is happy with the way her soup came out. Ted says that seasoning has been a problem in some chefs' food, but that Stephanie's was done very well. Sam gets to announce the week's winner, who had the more substantial and unique food. That winner is Dale, who gets a bottle of wine and two tickets to visit the winery where it's made.

LabRat: "Why does he need two tickets? He won't find anyone who wants to go with him."

Dale smiles and thanks the judges. He's not my favorite crayon in the box, but that dish of his today certainly did look good. He's happy with his challenge track record of five wins in twenty challenges. He does not mention the five of twenty challenges in which he's been at the bottom or at least on a losing team. Padma asks him to send out this week's losers. Unsurprisingly, it's Spike, Lisa, and Andrew, so make that seven challenges in a row that Lisa's blown.

Odd Asian music. Gong. The three losing chefs trudge in, and if I had to guess, I'd say that no matter who gets chopped tonight, the other two are ripe for elimination within the next two weeks, anyway. That would leave a final four of Antonia, Stephanie, Richard, and Dale. Makes sense, doesn't it? That's my bet. I'm putting my chips down on the table. Padma asks Andrew if his dish was substantial enough for a hearty lunch. He thinks it was, given the amount of nutrients that went into it. He explains it fairly well, but slips when he says the roll would hold people for at least three hours. Ptom points out that three hours after lunch, people are still at work, and if they're hungry, that's the point that they're reaching for a candy bar. Andrew reveals that in addition to missing the whole grain part of the challenge, he missed the "hearty" part as well. I think he was just busy listening to the merry tune that plays in his head at all times.

Ted twists the knife further, asking if a raw sushi roll is relatable enough to people used to eating burgers and such. That's a little much. They're cops, not cavemen. I don't think they'd run away screaming at the sight of sushi. Andrew, starting to lose his cool, says that he'd rather serve something new that expands horizons, rather than something reminiscent of a burger. He wants to serve the "most healthiest" dish ever. You know, after the "literally buried in spinach" last week, I don't even have the strength. The consensus is that Andrew favored health to the detriment of flavor, and when he says that people came back for more, Ptom gripes that it was because they hadn't gotten enough food the first time.

Spike is asked why he did chicken salad, and instead of the honest answer ("It was the only thing I could make with the ingredients I cockblocked from the other chefs"), he blathers something about how much he likes it and how accessible it is, cribbing off the criticism of Andrew's food. What's hilarious about Spike is how he always thinks he's outsmarting the other chefs at every turn, and more often than not, winds up shooting himself in the foot, learning nothing in the process. It's like watching Wile E. Coyote fall off the same cliff every week. It's not that I expect him to graciously step aside and let his competitors win; I just think if he kept his eyes on his own paper more often, he'd do better on the test. When specifically asked if he picked his components to be to his advantage or to disadvantage everyone else, he out-and-out lies and says it was for his own advantage. The big problem wasn't even the non-use of his required components, but the combination of grapes and olives, which Ptom didn't like. Spike, just as in Block Party, blames us uncultured hicks, saying that we'd be perfectly content with the flavor combination, even if Ptom's astronomically gifted palate wasn't. You can assume my eyes are rolling so hard as to almost evacuate my head during this entire segment. Ptom says that four dishes were unquestionably better than Spike's, and Spike chooses the least successful response he possibly could, saying that that's Ptom's opinion. Ptom duhs that his opinion is kind of what counts in this competition.

Lisa is asked why she thinks she's at the losers' table, and she sneers that the judges may as well tell her, as they're the ones that brought her here. Yeah, at this point, I'd be perfectly happy with cutting all three of these people and moving on. Ptom tells her that her stir-fry wasn't really much of a stir-fry, and that several things on her plate were undercooked. The rice is mentioned, though it's far from the only thing criticized. It is, however, the only thing Lisa has a hope of defending, so she spins her sabotage theory. That theory is never resolved, so make of it what you will. Ptom reiterates that even if it were so, her food's problems extended beyond the rice.

Padma asks if anyone has anything more to say, and this where Lisa's bitch star goes supernova. She turns Andrew in for not using a whole grain. Now, we know the judges already know about that, but the chefs don't. So Lisa's accusation has nothing to do with wanting to abide by challenge rules. She's just desperately trying to dig her way out of trouble by burying someone else. And as with Spike, I don't expect the chefs to let other people win, but the way you win is by cooking good food; not by use of underhanded tricks. I know Sam knows what I'm talking about. Ass. The judges are already down on Andrew for a multitude of reasons. He's firmly in the bottom three. I'm not saying it's unfair for Lisa to have brought this up, just mighty distasteful. The judges do ask Andrew why he didn't use a whole grain, and he stupidly says he lost his rule sheet. See why Lisa's attack was so unnecessary? Andrew's got enough rope to tie his own noose and have enough left over to moor a fleet of sailboats. Lisa tries to play the integrity card, which... No. She says he would have done the same to her, which he denies. I believe him. He may be kind of psycho, but dirty tricks aren't really his style. The chefs are dismissed.

Back in the Kitchen, Andrew tries to psych Lisa out by staring all cuckoo-eyed at her, but only succeeds in psyching out Antonia. He climbs to the wrong moral high-ground, whining that Lisa selling him out is poor repayment for his friendly warning about the high cholesterol content of her shrimp. He's really reaching, as the judges never took issue with the cholesterol of her food, and as Lisa said, it's not particularly germane to the challenge. There's some tiresome blather about "shows me who you are" and "we're in a competition", and it's nothing you haven't heard a hundred times before. The judges deliberate. Ptom says that sabotage is not a legitimate excuse for Lisa, which I'm sorry, is bullshit. I don't think it was sabotage in this case, but if someone did intentionally ruin another chef's food, the victimized chef should not be penalized. And frankly, I doubt they would be, lest the show open itself up to a lawsuit. Thankfully for the judges, there was plenty else to hate about Lisa's food. Spike didn't use his ingredients, and spent so much time worrying about the game that he forgot about the food. Andrew didn't use a whole grain, and even if he had, he essentially ignored the challenge to make whatever he wanted.

More tiresome fighting in the Kitchen. Andrew brings up the bus metaphor for the second time this episode. Seriously, with the buses. He does bring up the good point that Lisa has some nerve being all judgmental about his food when she's trying to hide behind a weak "sabotaged rice" excuse. The judges make a decision, which for some reason, Padma feels the need to announce is unanimous. Neato. Andrew tells Lisa he hopes the audience gets to see how she just acted. Wish granted.

Commercials. Who needs men when you can fellate a sandwich? Right, creepy bowl-cut lady?

Elimination. All three of these chefs suck. Ptom grants that the challenge wasn't easy. He makes a weak food police pun I'll do him the favor of not exploring. Andrew didn't provide anything delicious or of substance. Spike didn't use his ingredients, and had a weird, off-putting flavor profile. Lisa should be omniscient, and said she had a stir-fry, when what she really had was a plate of steamed vegetables. He gives it over to Padma for the chopping. Andrew. Please pack your knives and go. He tells the judges that there will be no need for security guards this time.

LabRat: "They've probably got them there, anyway."

He thanks the judges, and says that he will leave with honor. Honor is one of those things you cannot praise yourself for, like modesty and class. He's almost hushed as he goes, saying that he doesn't have any problems with anyone else, as he's not going to talk to most of them again, anyway. Subtle. He says he and Spike will be BFF forever and that Lisa's weak. Yep, full of honor, that one. Lisa gets the rare interjection interview, in which she says he deserves to go for not following the rules. Of course, by that logic, Lisa should have been eliminated three weeks ago. Andrew gets some good-bye hugs in the Kitchen. Spike whines that he doesn't have any buddies left in the house. I struggle to care, and fail. Andrew proudly says that he's never been one to stick to the rules. Guess we don't have to mourn your elimination, then. See ya, Looney Tunes.

Overall Grade: C