Meal Plans

Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 11

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs started their day with an invigorating cup of coffee, as everyone should. Shirley won the challenge, immunity, money, and a summer free of pit stains. In the Elimination Challenge, the chefs cooked the food that reminds them of home. Nicholas threw his heart, soul, and tears into his gnocchi - literally, in the case of the latter. It paid off, and he won the challenge. On the losing end, what apparently reminds Travis of home (other than homophobia) is undercooked biscuits. Eight chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Quickfire. New Orleans has certainly offered the largest range of guest judges, and we continue that streak with Questlove, who joins Padma to explain this week's challenge. But first, a drumline busts in and does a march around the Kitchen. They sound pretty awesome, and Carrie grooves in the background. A drumline means drumsticks, and drumsticks mean...drumstick challenge! Oh, nice. Breasts get all the attention (and not just in human ladies), but I'm often happy to snag the legs out of a mixed chicken bucket. It's not just chicken on offer. The chefs can choose from a variety of poultry, from turkey to duck to squab.

The hitch is that it's first-come, first-serve, so when Padma gives the go-ahead, the chefs rush the table like it's Black Friday. And just like it's that hallowed, idiotic tradition, someone nearly gets trampled. Shirley falls, and when Nicholas goes to help her up, she helps herself to the duck legs he was going to take. Ha! Whoops. Well, at least that's the last of the indignities Nicholas will suffer at the hands of his competitors today, right? Right?!? Thirty minutes later, it's time for a drumstick feast.

Padma and Questlove go down the line. Dishes of note include Carrie's squab, which sounds a little odd (they were marinated in thyme, juniper, and cocoa powder and served with a fig mostarda), but looks good. Carlos has hacked his drumsticks to the bone, and shards of it wind up in the food. Bleh. Nina has jerked guinea hen, and has used Scotch Bonnet peppers. Ouch! Carlos' hack job lands him in the bottom three, alone with poor Nicholas, whose quail is too salty, and Justin, whose chicken drumsticks are too boring. Carrie and Nina are joined in the top three by Brian, who has managed to make a surprisingly good chicken soup in a half hour. But it's Carrie that takes the win and immunity. There's nothing that figs can't do!

Elimination Challenge. It sounds pretty rough. The chefs will be using the cafeteria equipment at Louisiana State University to serve 500 freshmen. And given my appetite when I was a college freshman, that'll be like serving 1000 adults. The winner takes home a new car. It's always strange to see how disparate the prizes are on this show. One week, the winner gets nothing, and the next week, it's a car. Odd. Nobody can plan their dishes in advance for this challenge, since they have no idea what they'll be working with, so we fill time with a tour of the school grounds. Apparently, LSU keeps a live tiger on campus, which sounds like a terrible idea for students and tiger alike.

When the chefs get to the cafeteria kitchen, there's another free-for-all, this time for cooking stations as well as ingredients. Though Shirley calls dibs on the flat-top grill (plancha), Carlos insists he needs it more, so Shirley reluctantly agrees to work with the wood-burning oven. If she were making a pizza, that'd be fine, but she's working on beef fried rice. Yikes. She changes her plan to roast beef and tomatoes with a potato puree. Carrie has no wish to work at the cold station, but takes the bullet because she has immunity. Giant vats of food are made. You could run a hog farm with the amount of grits Nicholas is stirring. As service begins, the chefs are presented with their very own lunch ladies as assistants. These remarkably good-natured women are heartily welcomed, but the meet-and-greet is cut short when a stampede of students flood in.

The kids line up for Brian's shrimp cake with spinach and chipotle aioli, and Shirley's roast beef is extremely popular as well. Nobody even wants to try Carrie's blanched broccoli with yogurt sauce and pita chips. I confess I don't like cold broccoli, either. Stephanie has made a tomato soup and toasted pimento cheese sandwich. She attempts to gussy up the presentation by serving it with the sandwich pre-dunked in the soup. Justin has a cold shrimp salad, with asparagus, cauliflower, and garlic puree. Nicholas' roasted pork with rosemary looks incredibly good, and is served with parmesan grits and bacon/brown sugar gravy. Carlos is working on tilapia, and wants to use Nicholas' oven for final prep. Nicholas needs it for his own dish, and denies permission. Because remember? When the eight chefs divided up the eight stations? And Carlos just had to have the plancha? So when the judges ding Carlos for taking too long at service, Carlos blames Nicholas for "stealing" his oven. He does it with half of a just-kidding twinkle in his eye, but that's still a pretty assy thing to do. Nina overhears this and agrees with me. I mean, not me, specifically. Although that would be amazing. Of course, the judges can't resist tattling to Nicholas about Carlos' accusation, and this does not fill him with happiness. He sits on his anger for the time being, though, as there's work to do. That's why I almost titled this entry "Saint Nicholas", what with it being so close to Christmas and all.

Fret 'n sweat. Nicholas finally has a chance to have it out with Carlos. He's direct and curt about Carlos' backstabbing, but he never gets overly angry or irrational. I like Nicholas; he's remarkably mature for a reality show competitor. Actually, I don't even dislike Carlos, either. I think he did a stupid thing, but I believe he was venting without a sense of what that would snowball into. Still, man. If you're going to snap, snap at one of the other chefs. Not the judges. Padma comes in and summons Brian, Carlos, and Shirley to Judges' Table. These are unsurprisingly the top three of the evening, but there's never any suspense that Carlos will win the challenge. The judges have been vociferously complaining about his lengthy service time since the food first hit the plate, but at least his flavors were spot-on. That brings it down to Brian's shrimp cakes and Shirley's roast beef. Brian's cakes drove the students wild, while Shirley magnificently adapted to her challenging cooking equipment. The fact that she was able to turn out stellar roast beef with a pizza oven pushes her over the top, and she wins the challenge. And a car! She sure knows which challenges to dominate.

Bottom three. It shakes down to Stephanie, Nina, and Justin, though the judges are sure to mention that Carrie is damned lucky she has immunity. Stephanie's grilled cheese included feta and cottage cheese, and it turned out too chunky as a result. Serving it in the soup only exacerbated its problems, though the soup itself was great. Justin's dish was a big ol' plate of blandness. The judges don't understand the garlic puree at all. This is Nina's first appearance in the bottom three, and unlike Justin, she doesn't look for convenient places to deflect criticism when it's thrown her way. Her fried chicken's breading was disappointing, and she didn't have enough corn puree to serve all the diners. I prepare myself for Stephanie's ouster, and am pleasantly surprised when Justin is told to pack his knives and go.

In his final interview, he does that passive-aggressive thing where he accepts his elimination because he was "unwilling to compromise on ingredients". It's like the "I'm sorry if what I said offended you," kind of apology. You heard it from him, first. He's just too noble to succeed in this sordid competition. Ugh. He certainly was a strong contender for a while. I thought he and Nina would be facing off at the end. But it seems Justin is a fierce competitor only when he's assured of his own success. Once he started to struggle, he was all but ready to take his ball and go home. I wouldn't be surprised to see him do well in Last Chance Kitchen, so perhaps this won't be the last we see of him. If it is, though, I think we've made some history here. This may be the first Top Chef season ever where I don't dislike anyone in the top seven. Sure, I have a couple favorites, but as we stand now, I'd be relatively happy to see any of these people win. It's a Christmas miracle!

Overall Grade: B

Seventh Inning Retch

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 11

Previously on Top Chef: Enough intrigue and espionage to keep Harriet M. Welsch happy for a long time. Frozen puff pastry continued its reign as some sort of Harry Potterish cursed object, nearly bringing Angelo down. Tiffany swept the challenges, while Alex kept a stiff upper lip on his way out the door. Six chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. It was the Week of Rapidly Disintegrating Ingredients in our apartment, so I made some banana bread before the scent of overripe fruit could completely take over, and LabRat yanked some of the final tomatoes from the garden to make salsa. Both were well-received, though nothing could compete with the summer sausage Timiffany laid out. That was one tasty pig. Hop on board for Drinking Game Rule #11: Take a drink for every horrible wordplay phrase or pun that Ptom utters. Including the one revisited in the "Previously on" segment. DRINK!

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Angelo is hitting all the usual stops of people trying to encourage success without doing the heavy lifting. We zoom through mantras, prayer, and motivational speeches. Not to say that Angelo doesn't put the work in. I just think it would take less time to examine your choices and try to avoid poor decisions, rather than set up a shrine to Mario Batali in your closet. The only other thing you need to know? Ed prancing around the house wearing Tiffany's dress. The shocking thing is that it fits pretty darn well.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and this week's guest judge, Rick Moonen. He's familiar to us as a Top Chef: Masters contestant, and nobody at the viewing party likes him. How's that for a quick bio? Padma must have traveled through time to hear me whining about how bad the cliches and puns are on this show, and starts spewing food idioms one after the other just to twist the knife. Or maybe those food idioms are the basis for this week's challenge. Whichever. The chefs will each select a saying that incorporates food and cook a dish using that very food. Meh. In essence, all the challenge is asking is: "Pick an ingredient. Make a dish with it." The idioms have little to do with the actual cooking. What does have an effect is that the winning dish will be incorporated into a line of frozen foods. The picking order is randomly determined via knife pull:

Kevin - "Bringing Home the Bacon"
Amanda - "The Big Cheese"
Kelly - "Sour Grapes"
Ed - "Hot Potato"
Tiffany - "Spill the Beans"
Angelo - "Bigger Fish to Fry"

The chefs have an hour to put their dishes together, and Padma starts the countdown. Everyone scatters. Amanda decides to make macaroni and cheese, saying that a good version of it would certainly be welcome in the frozen food aisle. I can't argue with that. Ed certainly does. He interviews that she's just been lucky to have lasted as long as she has, because she's sloppy and has no technique. I seem to have a temporary case of Mother Hen Syndrome, because that struck me as unnecessarily harsh. Even if it's true. Angelo calls her a "dark horse", implying she'll sneak right by you if you underestimate her. Tiffany opens a can of beans, saying that cooking dried beans would take too long. Angelo and Ed dash around the Kitchen, giving Kelly a chance to tout her own organization and calm. Last minute panic strikes everyone else, and a mad dash to get everything plated ensues. Time runs out, and Rick and Padma go down the line.

Ed has made herb and roasted garlic gnocchi with spring vegetables and a mushroom fricassee. Tiffany wants to play up her fish skills for Rick, and has made pan-seared cod over stewed beans, Swiss chard, bacon, and carrots. Kevin has made bacon three ways: bacon puree, chopped bacon with snap peas, and a bacon froth with a poached egg on top. Tasty as that sounds, there are major problems here, and Angelo echoes the viewing party's sentiments when he says that Kevin did not consider the challenge parameters when making his dish. I'd take it back even further and say that he didn't consider the challenge parameters when choosing his ingredient. Bacon is one of the most delicious things on the planet, but it's not something you go hunting for in the frozen food aisle. And if there was one thing to make bacon even more inappropriate for a frozen meal, it's to feature foam and a poached egg. I'm guessing the last time you were strolling past the Totino's Party Pizzas you weren't thinking to yourself, "You know, what I really want to pop in the oven is a frozen poached egg and reconstituted bacon bubbles."

Kelly has made pan-roasted chicken breast, and serves it with caramelized Brussels sprout leaves, golden raisins, and a red grape sauce. Angelo has chili-crusted tilapia satay, with an Asian tartar sauce, sambal, and Sriracha. Sounds like spicy on top of spicy on top of spicy. Angelo tries to quickly outline his complicated procedure for breading his fish in cornstarch to get a glutenous coating. Rick has no feedback. Amanda's macaroni and cheese includes three cheeses, bacon, mushrooms, and jalapenos. To each his own, but for this mushroom-hater, she's just ruined a classic. For no reason that I can think of, she's also cooked a pork chop to serve alongside the mac and cheese.

Results. First in the bottom two is Kelly, whose grapes did not meld well with Brussels sprouts. The only thing that melds well with Brussels sprouts is a trashcan. Amanda's mac and cheese was far too heavy. She disagrees in interview, saying that she can usually get behind the judges' critiques of her food, but not in this case. On the plus side, Kevin's dish featured bacon in a nice, light way. Ed's gnocchi was well-thought and well-executed. For all the reasons discussed above, the winner is pretty much a foregone conclusion, and indeed, Ed takes the challenge. Angelo takes a little shot at him in interview, saying that Ed will look good on the packaging, since he kind of looks like a potato. I've been talking about Potato Faces in movies and on TV for years, but can't ever articulate what I mean. To paraphrase a more well-known quote: I may not be able to define Potato Face, but I know it when I see it.

Elimination Challenge. This one makes a lot more sense than the Quickfire. The chefs will be going to the Nationals' stadium to make fine dining versions of concession stand food. Rather than serving hordes of fans (except...well, you'll see), the dishes will be served during the pre-game. The chefs think the challenge sounds like grand fun, until Padma tells them that although they'll be presenting six dishes, they'll all be working together as one team. Faces fall. Amanda recalls the chaos of putting together a menu the last time everyone had to work together. Of course, Kenny's not around to crow about being such an awesome alpha male anymore, so theoretically, there should be a lot less dick measuring this time around. Let's find out.

Padma gives the chefs fifteen minutes to plan. Tiffany gets on my nerves for the first time when she whines about Kelly having the audacity to... Are you ready? Talk a lot during the brainstorming session. I really don't understand where all of the anti-Kelly sentiment springs from in this household. Sure, she can be a little supercilious, but not to the degree that other people should be this upset over it. In fact, this complaint comes in the middle of Kelly's very intelligent idea that the menu doesn't have to be cohesive, but should have variety, lest the judges tear into them for not collaborating enough. Amanda hops on board with Tiffany, saying that Kelly's always thinking about herself. Yeah, Kelly. Why can't you just consider Amanda's feelings, and let her win the season? It's not like you're competing against her or anything. I've said before that being in a competition doesn't excuse you for being a dick, but the flip side applies as well. You should be respectful of your competitors, but that doesn't preclude you from doing your level best to beat them. In other words, I'm sure you're a lovely person, but you just landed on my Marvin Gardens hotel. Pay up, please.

In the end, it's decided that as long as nobody's dish is too similar to anyone else's, it's pretty much everyone for themselves. Sounds good to me. The chefs split their $2000 budget up and head for the store. Angelo dithers over buns. Wow, I'll never need that sentence again, ever. Amanda wants to "make a statement" by making tuna tartare. Well, I'm sure she'll be successful if the statement she wants to make is "Please avoid my food at all costs." Hey, I love tuna tartare. Just not when it's been sitting in the open air for hours. Kevin agrees with me, saying it's "not baseball food". I'm not sure we should be running to someone who just screwed up the notion of "frozen food" for semantic arguments, but I can't fault him on this one.

Later, the chefs get to the Kitchen for three hours of prep time. Angelo worries, because the pork he's cooking needs two and half hours to braise. Better get hopping then, Sparky. Tiffany decides to emulate a booth at the Texas state fair that serves sausage and peppers, and works on rolling up a gazillion meatballs. Amanda chops up her tuna in advance, not wanting to do a temperature-sensitive technique in a kitchen she has yet to see. One wonders where this methodical thinking process was when she was conceiving her dish. Ed and Kevin complain about Amanda going to Angelo for advice about putting her tuna through a meat grinder. If I were more kindly disposed, I'd agree that putting faith in Angelo's ideas sure didn't do Tamesha any good, but they're on a single team, all she's asking about is grinding tuna meat, and you two sound like naggy tools. Huh. I guess that Mother Hen Syndrome has evaporated.

Ed has to make more than five hundred shrimp and corn poppers, and is racing to get done on time. He runs around the Kitchen, hysterically snapping at Tiffany and crashing into racks of pans, making for a very comedic off-screen sound effect. Angelo ribs him for being a Tasmanian devil that runs around the Kitchen, and somehow manages to avoid being struck by lightning. Ed manages to finish with just a few seconds to spare. That night at the house, the chefs realize that there will be no waitstaff to rudely order around this time. They'll have to serve the food themselves. That leads to some logistical problems, since nobody knows if plates will just be set out, or they'll have to take individual orders. Kelly worries aloud that she has to cook her crabcakes in batches, so she's not sure how taking orders can work. Angelo calls her "strategical". Really, Dubya? Is she part of a "nucular" family, too? Kevin shrugs that they really can't make any decisions until they see what they have to work with, and Angelo unwisely responds with "I'll do it." That's all Kevin has to hear to completely abdicate himself from any responsibility or problems having to do with service.

Nationals Park. The chefs arrive at the narrow little concession kitchen and get an hour to finish up their food. Kevin tells us that Angelo is in charge of taking orders, but that he doesn't really trust him. Well pick one, you whiny baby. You can be happy that Angelo gets to deal with all the service issues and you get to avoid them, or you can be happy that you don't trust him to do a good job and he'll screw up in front of the judges. You don't get to sit there and complain that someone isn't doing a good enough job of shooting himself in the foot. God, what it is about Kevin? He isn't the most objectionable contestant we've ever seen -- not by a long shot. In fact, he's pretty middle-of-the-road; no more interesting than, say, Nikki. But every time he opens his mouth, I just want to shove a grapefruit in it.

Phooey: "Damn, there sure are a lot of bitches this season."

The chefs do their best to find the space and equipment they need. Angelo realizes what a mistake he made the previous evening. He's only now figuring out that he can't take/deliver orders and plate his food. Of course, having someone else plate his food isn't an option because they might intentionally screw him over. How, I don't know. Arrange his pork unattractively? Stiff the judges on sauce? Angelo attempts to wriggle out of his lackluster commitment by handing out order pads so other chefs can take orders, and Kevin immediately shuts him down. He interviews that no matter what type of restaurant you work in, attempting to have everyone handle both service and cooking leads to a completely dysfunctional situation. He somehow manages to be entirely correct, and yet is still such a dick about it that I want to defend Angelo. I won't, but I have to admit the impulse was there. They finally cobble together a system of who's going to cook, who's going to plate, and who's going to serve. Once it's all settled, Ed tells Angelo he's changed his mind, and can't help him out anymore. "Are you joking?" Angelo says with horror. "Yeah," Ed responds. Ha! Nice one. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste with some of the Nationals players. There's that one guy, that other guy, and that other other guy.

Kender: "Don't worry that you've never heard of any of them. They're the Nationals."

The players wander around the tight space, inspecting the food, chatting with the chefs, and just generally getting in the way. The chefs are relieved when they finally leave. Kelly is concerned that her bacon might make her crabcake sandwich too salty, and that the judges will disapprove of serving it open-faced. There's nothing she can really do about it now, though, and she just hopes for the best. Speaking of which, Amanda notices that the laws of chemistry do not suspend themselves for her, and the tuna that's been sitting in the open air is oxidizing and losing all its color. Angelo declines to help (in interview), though he knows some secrets for improving her food. Tiffany is more upstanding, and offers some helpful critiques of Kevin's chicken skewer. She doesn't want anyone to be eliminated based on something she's done, said, or hasn't said. Good for her. A slapdash menu is hung above the counter. Ed is passive-aggressive about Angelo taking up some space, and Angelo offers a terse suggestion that they just find a solution without all the petty bitching. Time winds down. Hungry patrons swarm in.

Service begins. Angelo calls out orders. Kelly and Tiffany's dishes are immediately pegged as crowd favorites. They're thrilled to be so popular. The baseball players return to get one of each dish so they can help judge. I'd worry that all this fried food won't do their game any favors, but it's the Nationals, so nobody cares. They pretty much like every dish, though one of the guys thinks that Ed's fritters are like biting into a caterpillar. Once they've eaten, they wander off, not stopping to talk to any of the fans who try to engage them in conversation. Well... Thanks for stopping by, guys. That was invaluable. Other fans happily munch on their gourmet snacks in the stands. The judges stop by the counter. Padma actually looks quite good in a simple Nationals jersey. Certainly better than she looks in "high-fashion" armadillo tank tops and ridiculous sun hats.

Kelly has a an open-faced crabcake BLT with a spicy herb aioli and sweet potato fries seasoned with Old Bay. Tiffany has an Italian meatball sub with tomato marinara, fennel, a basil pesto, and mozzarella. Amanda's got a tuna tartare with fennel, mushrooms, lemon, and a fava bean puree. That doesn't sound good, and not just because of the mushrooms and oxidized tuna. She knows she's in trouble, presentation-wise, but likes the flavor of her dish. Rick gives her props for gumption, but indeed, the sickly gray appearance of the tuna gives Eric pause. Ptom does enjoy the vegetables, but doesn't mention the fish itself. Kelly's crabcake has excellent flavor, but Padma does detect a lot of salt coming from the bacon. As the judges taste Tiffany's dish, a short clip of a fan pointing to her meatball sub and asking "Is this a meatball sub?" is shown. Let us pray that this fan has nothing to do with lawmaking. Or education. Or healthcare. Or anything, really. The sub is very popular with the judges, though Eric finds it a bit challenging to eat.

Angelo watches Ed put one of his sandwiches together. "More pickle?" Ed asks. "Yes. That's what she said," Angelo responds. Heh. Always a classic. When alien excavators dig down to this era's cultural relics, they're going to find a lot of "That's what she said" and "Your Mama" jokes. Works for me! Both Angelo and Ed are calmer, and happy to have found a balance in the service. Angelo interviews that Kevin is still being sulky about the whole thing. The judges return for the rest of their food. Angelo has made sweet glazed pork on a lobster roll (aka - hot dog bun), with spicy cucumber, Asian pear, and sweet sesame pickles. Kevin has a chicken kabob with Romesco sauce, scallions, shoestring fries, and a smoked paprika aioli. Ed has shrimp and corn risotto fritters, with a jalapeno aioli. Flavor aside, he's just happy that he managed to get them all done in time.

The judges have nothing but nice things to say about the fritters. They've got nice heat and texture, especially given the challenging serving conditions. Kevin's worried, because his dish is not getting ordered a lot. He wanted to give some crunch by putting his shoestring fries on top of the chicken, but ironically, crunch is the last thing he gets. Eric says that the fries became soggy from sitting on top of the sauce and hot chicken. Various fans aren't impressed, either. Angelo's pork is tasted. Hilariously, one of the fans is wearing a shirt that exactly matches the food basket. Nice camouflage! Angelo's use of the hot dog bun sinks him. It's too doughy, and kills the flavor and finish of his pork. Various fans talk about which of the dishes were their favorites. Ptom supposes that the chefs must have worked together well to serve so many people, but "there's no I in team". No, but there's a me!

Interstitial. Angelo talks to his Russian fiancee on the phone. He does not pull a Mel Gibson, so it's all very boring.

When we come back, a bit of that night's baseball game is played. I can't claim to be the biggest sports fan in the world, but there is a fun sort of energy that comes from living in a city with such baseball fever. Plus, I get to make fun of this:

Wow! Those seats must be upwards of 1/10 full! Parking must be a nightmare! In the fret 'n sweat, Angelo fiddles with a baseball. Kelly is amazed that after all these challenges, her stomach still feels sick as she waits for the results.

Tim: "That's actually the tuna tartare."

Padma enters, and summons everyone to Judges' Table. When they enter the dining room, Padma asks Angelo how it was decided that he expedite the food. He brings up his volunteering the night before the game, and Tiffany stops him, wanting to air the full saga of how Angelo wound up having to stick to his offer, despite his attempt to back out. Kevin, sensing an opportunity, makes sure to tell the judges how shitty he thought Angelo's behavior was, because after all, no takesies backsies. I don't really understand the point of hashing this all out at Judges' Table, since service wasn't an issue for good OR ill, but I guess some people aren't happy unless they've got something to complain about.

Moving on to food. Ed's fritters were hot and creamy on the inside, and his sauce was nicely spicy. His was a very tidy dish, which Tiffany's was not. Still, the judges loved the flavors. Tiffany giggles, and admits that she's one of those people who insists on a bit of juice spurting out of hamburgers and the like. Everyone has a good chuckle. That's the top two, and Rick gets to announce the winner. This season has had an impressive number of episode sweeps, and the streak continues, as Ed takes the challenge. He wins Rick's book and a trip to Australia. It's pretty telling that upon winning the book, Ed's face reads "Oh. Thanks, I guess," and upon winning the trip, he cracks into a wide grin. Enjoy Australia! I hope it takes your mind off of... Well, other stuff. Ed and Tiffany are dismissed.

Once they're gone, the judges turn to the other chefs. Amanda took an admirable risk, but it didn't pay off. Her fish gave off an air of not being fresh. Ptom asks the others if they would have tartared their fish the day of the challenge, rather than the day before. Naturally, Kevin is the only one to answer, saying that he wouldn't have even chosen that dish, but if he had, he certainly would have done it the day of. You know who Kevin is? Kevin is that guy who took names of people that were talking when the teacher was out of the room, then complained on the playground because nobody wanted to play Four Square with him. Ptom tells Amanda that maybe it would have been worth it to be in a time crunch in service of better food. I actually don't fault her for trying to do as much the day before as possible, but she certainly doesn't explain her thought processes well here. Kevin is told that he had a good idea, but his concept didn't come across in the food. The skewer was too long, the fries were soggy, and the whole thing just came across as disappointing. Kevin says that he was trying to get all of his flavors stacked so they could be eaten as one bite, and Ptom tells him that that's wholly unnecessary.

Kelly's crabcakes had excellent flavor, though they lacked a little crunch, and the sandwich was a touch too salty. So it was fine, but not outstanding. Angelo's pork was cooked well, but the flavor got sucked into a doughy piece of bread. He should know better, since he runs a sandwich shop. Padma adds that in addition to the bread, the rest of the components were too sweet. Angelo says he put Napa cabbage in to cut the sweetness, but he can't snow this panel; Eric points out that Napa cabbage is plenty sugary in and of itself. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Kevin's plate had too much going on, and his aioli and Romesco sauce were too similar to each other. His skewer was so long, fans and judges alike were spearing their own uvulas. I don't think that should be taken too seriously into account, but I do like to say "uvula". Putting his fries on top of the skewer was pointless and counterproductive. Amanda should have cut her tuna later. Her vegetables were good, but Eric is literally offended by her final product's appearance. Angelo didn't correct the problems with his pork's flavors, and his spongy bread sucked all the juice out. Kelly's crab was great, but the rest of her components didn't do her any favors. "It is what it is," Kelly drones back in the Kitchen. DRINK! The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. Ptom tells the chefs that they were supposed to make ballpark food, but unfortunately they "made a few errors." ERRORS, GET IT?!?!?!?! BECAUSE IT'S BASEBALL?!?!?! ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS?!?!?!?! Sigh. And when you're done sighing, DRINK! Kelly got the crab right, but nothing else. Amanda's tuna was too oxidized to enjoy. Kevin's fries were soft. Angelo's sandwich was sweet and soggy. Padma delivers the bad news. Amanda. Please pack your knives and go. She thanks the judges for the "awesome opportunity". She gives Kevin and Angelo a hug, and pulls Kelly into a reluctant hug back in the Kitchen. She tells us with great import that this is an experience that she is going to remember for the rest...of her life. Well, yeah. Who wouldn't? She's sad to leave, and proud that she's the only sous chef to have made it this far. She also made it to the final six without winning a single challenge, but I guess I can't expect her to be as jazzed about that accomplishment.

Overall Grade: B-

Casino Royale with Cheese

Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 11

Previously on Top Chef: Natalie Portman wouldn't eat meat. Not even Clive Owen's. Jenc continued her depressing downward spiral, and the producers realized that with the Clash of the Golden Children almost upon us, there's no need for The Smarmy Guy anymore. Bye, Mike! Six chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Bryan talks to his family back home, and interviews about missing them a lot, which is never a good sign for one's continued success on a reality show. At least he shows a healthy balance between missing his loved ones and forging ahead with this opportunity. Too many people on TV show up acting like they were forced to try out for a reality show at gunpoint, and practically rend their clothes with grief when talking to someone back home. Jenc vows to pull herself together.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs go to a kitchen at the Venetian, and receive a call from Padma, who's kickin' it in a hotel room bed with Nigella Lawson. No, not like that, pervos. She tells the chefs that with all the hotels in Vegas, room service is big business, and so the Quickfire challenge will be to prepare an appropriate breakfast in bed. They have half an hour to get everything ready. Robin and Eli go first. Eli works on a modified Reuben, making sure to include corned beef, because as we all know, without the corned beef, it ain't a Reuben. Robin is typically frenetic, and runs around hysterically. She and Eli leave to take their food upstairs, and Michael and Kevin move in. Michael whines about the mess Robin has left behind, and then expresses his consternation with the strict time limit. At no point does he realize that one may have followed from the other.

Meanwhile, Robin serves her food to Padma and Nigella. It's a blintz with goat cheese, caramelized pineapple, and blueberries. Eli then brings in his Reuben Benedict with fried egg, Swiss cheese, sauerkraut, and a Thousand Island hollandaise. It looks pretty good, although I'm used to seeing fried eggs with harder yolks. Down in the kitchen, Kevin works on a hearty steak and eggs plate. Michael has created too much work for himself, and isn't going to be able to get his food done in the way he wants. Into this mess walks Robin, who's been told by some PA or other to go in and get her stuff. Michael curtly boots her out of the work area, and for all the times that I've looked down on the Robin-bashing, and all the times I've groused about Michael's attitude, he's completely in the right here. He is still being timed, and she is really in the way. She complains about how Michael's treating her, but not wanting someone wandering around in your workspace in the middle of a challenge is not rude, and she should have known better.

Michael is next to serve his food, which is a take on Cuban eggs with banana puree, rice, and bacon. "The thing about breakfast is that you can eat it at any time of the day," Nigella non-sequiturs. Um, thanks for that brilliant piece of insider information. Let me jot that down under "The chefs that make things with the least detriments will have an advantage," "The hard part about shucking clams is knowing how to do it," and "I want to make something quick [for the Quickfire]." This is such an educational season! Kevin tells Padma and Nigella that he's prepared a hearty breakfast in the Southern tradition. It's steak and eggs with creme fraiche, green onion, aged Cheddar, and a dusting of coffee.

LabRat: "Yeah, cause no Southern breakfast is complete without creme fraiche."

Bryan and Jenc are cooking down in the kitchen. Jenc has experience with room service, and works on chipped beef that she proudly calls "shit on a shingle". It doesn't appear to occur to her that serving shit on a shingle to judges may not be the wisest choice, but who knows? Maybe they'll love Army food. Bryan works on a four-minute egg to serve over corn polenta. Jenc serves her creamed chipped beef on toast with potato and tomato. Bryan's plate includes a vanilla sauce, crab, asparagus, and the aforementioned polenta. Once he's gone, Nigella tells Padma the dish would have been a "star" without the vanilla.

Results. First in the bottom two is Bryan, whose vanilla flavors clashed horribly with the crab. The other bottom-dweller is Robin, whose blintzes were one-note, and had no contrast. "I wasn't proud of what I did today," Robin says for what feels like the sixtieth time. For the good news, Kevin's steak and eggs really embraced the challenge, while Eli's modified Reuben had a nice tang of sauerkraut. That's enough to carry the day, and Eli wins. Though he doesn't get immunity, his recipe will be featured in a Top Chef cookbook devoted entirely to Quickfire entries. This strikes me as hilarious, as Quickfire dishes are often hastily conceived and even more hastily put together. Stephanie was talented enough to win her entire season, and completely sucked at Quickfires. It doesn't seem like the portion of the show that home cooks would be very eager to emulate.

Elimination Challenge. Padma says that it will involve celebrating the Strip of Las Vegas by sending the chefs to create a dish inspired by different casinos. That's a good idea, and I'm surprised that it took until now for the casino culture to be integrated into a challenge to this degree. The chefs draw knives.

Bryan - Mandalay Bay
Eli - Circus Circus
Michael - New York, New York
Kevin - The Mirage
Jenc - Excalibur
Robin - Bellagio

Hmmm, weird. There's a sharp divide in Vegas casinos. There's the "new" portion of the Strip, with the really glittering places with fancy restaurants, bars, and spectacles. Then there's the older portion that may have the same things, but to a much lesser extent. I only bring this up because in the above list, all of the casinos belong to the newer grouping... Except Circus Circus. That's a much less fancy casino, and it makes me wonder why it was chosen over places like Caesar's Palace, the Venetian, or the Wynn. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be catering a party for 175 guests. The chefs march off for the evening to be inspired. The fact that they can finally escape their housemates for a while is probably a nice side effect.

Field trip. Michael says that New York City is restaurant Mecca, where many dreams succeed and fail. He begins to form an idea about honoring New York City firemen. These two concepts have nothing to do with one another. That's fine, but then why show both? Work with me, editors. Jenc takes in the meal, some grog, and a medieval show at the Excalibur. She's still having trouble coming up with an idea, which confuses me, as the casino has a lot more obvious inspiration than a place like the Mirage. Bryan takes in the shark reef at Mandalay Bay, which helpfully has a sign about sustainable fishing, so his inspiration is dealt with in forty-five seconds. On his way out, he gets a souvenir for his son. Stop talking about your family back home! That's elimination talk!

Over at the Bellagio, Robin is struck by the multicolored Dale Chihuly glass exhibits. I've seen those in a couple of art museums, and he once did an exhibit for our botanical garden, which was awesome:

Robin hopes to marry that sort of artistic flair with her food. She spends a moment at the famous fountains before we shift over to Kevin at the Mirage. He plays with the dolphins, which looks like grand fun. He talks about his signature style of simplicity and "less is more", which seems to be working just fine for him so far. He doesn't believe in flashy food or style over substance. That doesn't have much to do with any inspiration that the Mirage may give, so I guess we can only hope he doesn't incorporate dolphin into his dish. Eli heads to Circus Circus. What's to say? It's very circusy. Back at the house, Eli complains to the other chefs that there is no circus at Circus Circus. That's not entirely true, although it wouldn't surprise me if he missed the acrobats on the upper level. The stage is remarkably well-hidden. Can you tell I went there recently? The slots were not kind, although LabRat did well at the blackjack table.

Anyhoo, Eli tells the chefs that there weren't any restaurants, and Michael scoffs that he wasn't there to be inspired by the food, but by the environment. He points out that a circus is the most definitive concept that any of them had to be inspired by. I hate to agree with him yet again, but here we are. Robin senses that Eli is having trouble with his idea, and hopes to really push herself in the challenge, so that she can surge ahead.

The next day, we skip right over the shopping segment, which I frankly don't miss. The chefs stream into the Kitchen, where they have three and a half hours to prep. Kevin works on salmon with compressed vegetables. Again, I'm not sure what the connection between his food and the Mirage is, and I'd be curious to know. Michael hacks into chicken wings. Robin works on panna cotta, and will insert stiff panels of sugar to simulate the Chihuly glass. Jenc has settled on The Sword in the Stone as her inspiration, and starts a sauce with a couple of bottles of red wine. Eli incorporates circus themes with peanut soup with caramel apples. Popcorn and raspberry juice are also involved. Bryan cooks his fish in olive oil, and muses about how he's terrible at Quickfires, but seems to do very well in Elimination Challenges. Eli takes some time out to bash Robin some more. I agree that she's probably well past the point where she should have been eliminated, but her sticking around annoys the chefs I don't like, which brings me joy. Time winds down, and the chefs pack up their food for transport.

They are driven to the World Market Center, which I've never heard of, but has a great view of the Strip from the immense windows. The chefs unpack, and have one more hour to get everything ready. Michael cooks chicken. Jenc frets. Robin discovers that her sugar panels haven't set, and she won't be able to use them. When the hour is up, all the guests flood the room at the same time. A random guy enjoys Kevin's food. The judges head for Jenc's station first. She serves a chunk of grilled New York strip steak (as the stone) with a red wine reduction. There are beets, truffles, and herbs on top, and the whole thing is skewered by a plastic sword. Nigella finds the meat incredibly tough. Kevin serves up his wild Alaskan sockeye salmon with Napa cabbage and cucumber in a tomato broth base. All of the judges have very favorable things to say.

Michael serves boneless chicken wing confit with curry, and a disc of blue cheese. Everyone heartily enjoys it, just as they do in every bar in the country. Yes, it's a more upscale version of hot wings, and is probably very tasty. That said, Padma is cheerily describing blue cheese on chicken wings as "a nice surprise". Huh?!? Gee, Padma, why don't you stop by for dinner sometime, and I can "surprise" you by putting sour cream on a baked potato. I'm sure it's great food, but Michael has implied more than once that he's a better chef than Kevin because his food is more complicated, and here he is, serving something you can snarf by the bucket at the local dive. And since I'm already nitpicking... Saying your inspiration is derived from New York City by preparing something from Buffalo is a bit like preparing a Chicago-inspired dish from a St. Louis regional specialty.

Robin's panna cotta is based on flowers, which is what the Chihuly sculptures were formed into. She points out her table of ruined sugar, and explains what she was going for. That was probably a mistake. She should have said something like "I made these sugar panels, but decided the dish was better without them," or some other whopper like that. The judges find the panna cotta way too firm, because nobody on this show can ever make one. If for no other reason, I'm looking forward to the dessert spinoff just so someone can make a serviceable panna cotta.

Bryan has made an escabeche of halibut with a bouillabaisse consomme, pine nuts, a parsley coulis, and garlic chips. The judges all enjoy it quite a bit, calling it "balanced" and "professional". Huh, I guess all that talking about his family earlier was a false alarm. Eli's caramel apple peanut soup has ground popcorn and raspberry froth (which represents the pink dome of Circus Circus' decor). The results are not positive. None of the judges like it, and Padma outright hates it. The main problem seems to be one of texture. Yeah, texture issues are sometimes a bigger problem than flavor issues. It's why I don't eat pears. The judges choke it down, then head out of the party.

Judges' Table. In the fret 'n sweat, Kevin lightheartedly asks how everyone's food turned out, which is the first time he's sounded condescending, rather than genuinely curious. Maybe it was just the way it struck me. Nobody responds, which he takes to mean that everyone tanked. Padma enters, and summons Kevin, Michael, and Bryan to the table. Padma tells them they had the three favorite dishes of the evening. They all stare back resolutely, as if she just asked for one of their kidneys. Kevin's fish was great, and the vegetables were bright and flavorful. Bryan's food was quiet and elegant, much like he is. Michael's chicken wings were delicious and expressive. Toby gives him a backhanded compliment by calling his delicate style "effeminate". Nigella gets to announce the winner, and it turns out to be Michael. Well, those must have been some delicious wings, because he couldn't have won on inspiration. As a prize, he gets some wine and a trip to the winery where it's bottled. Nice.

Back in the Kitchen, Michael gets tepid applause. The waiting chefs are punted out to Losers' Table. Robin is already convinced she's toast. Once out there, Jenc admits to the judges that she didn't have a clear vision of what she wanted her food to be. Remember when she was such a strong contender? What the hell happened? It seems like one bad challenge punched all the momentum out of her. Ptom semi-excuses her by saying that perhaps she's just not familiar with medieval cooking. Nigella points out that while the other judges got tender cuts of meat, hers was too tough to slice through. Toby agrees that the meat was too tough.

Limecrete: "If there's one thing British judges don't get to whine about, it's tough meat."
LabRat: "I know. I don't get why British people get to judge this competition at all. What next, two Brits on the panel of a dental competition?"

Robin says that she thinks her vision and concept were good, but fell down on execution. The judges ask what happened, and she describes how her sugar didn't set properly. She was trying to accomplish techniques she hadn't worked with before, and Ptom asks her if she's being influenced by the chefs around her. She admits it. It's a fair question, but there's something off-putting about the phrasing. Of course, she shouldn't be rewarded for lackluster food, just because she hasn't done it before. However, Ptom has made a career out of slamming the chefs for staying in their comfort zones, and not pushing their limits. He's not over the hypocrisy line in this Robin inquiry, but he's dancing on it. Eli had a good idea, but both his flavors and textures were wildly off. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Every single one of Jenc's dish components was disappointing. The judges note that perhaps she has used up all of her early potential. Back in the Kitchen, Jenc herself is so beaten down, she's ready to pack up before she even gets eliminated. She's like the converse of Ariane, who started off in a whirlpool of despair and pulled herself together. Robin attempted to do things that are technically beyond her skill level. Ptom and Nigella complain that panna cotta is simplicity itself. Jeez, you wouldn't know it from this show. Eli's was just out-and-out bad. Bad texture, bad flavors, bad everything.

Elimination. Eli's dish was a mess. Jenc's food was boring. Robin's inspiration didn't make it onto the plate. In the end, Robin has run out of other chefs to hide behind, and is told to pack her knives and go. She shakes the judges' hands and thanks them for the opportunity. In her final interview, she says she's glad to have made it as far as she did, but that she lost herself in trying to impress people, and forgot to make the comfort food that she excels at. She gets a good-bye hug from Jenc, and tears up as she says that she's looking forward to what comes next, and that the experience has inspired her. Well, she may have been outmatched as a chef, but she seems like a perfectly nice lady. In small doses, anyway. I wish she could have stuck around longer than Eli, just to give him something to haunt his dreams for eternity, but doing that to Mike will just have to suffice.

Overall Grade: B-

You Look Like Peter Pan

The Amazing Race - Season 13, Episode 11

Previously on The Amazing Race: The only boring season in the history of this show. Thank goodness we can wrap this shit up and hope for a better crop of tasks and contestants next time.

The final three teams make their way from Russia to Portland, Oregon, which appears to be a very pretty city. Lots of trees. Once there, a Detour requires teams to choose between climbing a tree and doing a balance beam walk across a suspended log, or simply running across a lashed series of logs on the water. For some odd reason, everyone opts for the former, including Tina, who reminds Ken (and us) about a gazillion more times how scared of heights she is. Gee, if only there had been an option where climbing a tree wasn't necessary. Say, the other Detour choice? Dan and Andrew get a crappy cab driver on their way there and fall behind. I'd feel bad for them if they had any business being in the final three.

After the Detour, teams take a 2000-foot zip line across a river from a bridge, which Tina suddenly has no issue with. Weirdo. At the bottom waits one of those wonderful mental tasks I love so, as it neatly shuffles dumb people out of contention. Teams must think back to each of the previous legs, and find a picture that corresponds to either some Route Info, the Detour, the Roadblock, or the Pitstop for that particular leg. Ken and Tina get a good jump on the task, but are eventually overtaken by Nick and Starr. After two pointless intervening tasks in which they find a dinosaur statue and a donut shop, teams race for the finish line, where Phil and all the eliminated teams wait. Everyone except Toni and Dallas, who were still stuck without passports in Russia.

Nick and Starr become the first family team to win (except for the Season That Shall Not Be Named, obviously), which is nice to see, as is the fact that it's always nice to see the team that raced the smartest win. Ken and Tina come in second, whereupon Ken re-proposes to Tina. Have your heart warmed if you must. Dan and Andrew, who the cameras stopped paying attention to after the Detour, manage to finally check in, which must mean that they weren't required to do the memory task. Otherwise, the teams would still be waiting at the finish line now.

Nick and Starr are pleased as punch with their win and with each other, proving that it doesn't matter if you're dating or related or gay or intense or laid-back. The real key to winning The Amazing Race is being young and muscly.

Overall Grade: B
Overall Season Grade: The blandest C possible.

McKey to My Heart

America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 11

The last episode of America's Next Top Model is usually a big to-do of nerves, drama, and more often than not, the banishment of the season's Bitch. This season, however, just comes to a gentle stop. In the first half, the girls have to deliver a CoverGirl commercial with some Dutch lines. Analeigh is surprisingly bad, while McKey is surprisingly good. Samantha rides the middle, as she is wont to do. From there, it's on to those beauty shots that often come off as sort of creepy. Samantha's looks a bit wooden, while Analeigh continues being Blandy McWhitebread. McKey's is lovely, and she becomes a lock for the final two. That settled, the judges cut Analeigh, aware that if she won, America would fall asleep midway through her post-victory joy.

The second half is the traditional runway show, which is very uneventful. Neither McKey nor Samantha is that good or that bad, though it's nice to see Whitney again. Both girls are roundly complimented at panel, but McKey has clearly been stronger overall, and she takes the win. I must say, I wouldn't have called it when this season began, but I'm very pleased. With McKey, that is. The show, however? It's getting duller by the season. It just may be time to snip Tyra once and for all.

Overall Grade: B+
Overall Season Grade: C

Blue Suede Snooze

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 11

For this evening's challenge, the producers put elements of other challenges in a blender and hit puree. After jettisoning three models, the designers are free to pick a new one. Though it seems likely that everyone will stick with their original model, they actually change it up a little. Leanne yoinks Suede's model, which causes him to sniff that she's "like a kid in a candy store; always wants what someone else has". What a lovely potpourri of metaphors. Kids in candy stores don't want what other kids have. They want candy. Doofus.

The models aren't even used in this challenge, because the designers are told they'll be designing for each other. But wait! There's more! Each outfit must be inspired by a particular music genre. Suede designs a rock and roll outfit for Jerell, which makes him look like...Jerell. Korto designs a punk outfit for Suede, and although she doesn't exactly set the world aflame, the jeans fit well and the bleach treatment looks nice. Jerell makes a pop outfit for Kenley, and makes her look awesome. True, pop is about the easiest genre to design for, but Jerell pulls it off with aplomb. Leanne designs a country outfit for Korto, which is exactly as hilarious as it sounds. And Kenley? Oof. Kenley, who can't design anything that you couldn't find in a vintage shop, must design a hip-hop outfit for Leanne, who may be the whitest person in America. It turns out predictably awful, and she doesn't help her cause by mouthing off to Tim and the judges (including LL Cool J) about how they don't understand hip-hop. You heard me.

Korto and Jerell are given high marks, with Korto taking the challenge win. Leanne is fair-to-middling, and is declared safe, leaving Suede and Kenley in the bottom two. Although her outfit is far worse than his, her overall design potential is considered higher, not to mention the fact that she's certainly letting her bitch flag fly proud these days. So Suede is cut, which causes fans of fashion and grammar alike to heave a sigh of relief. I guess Leanne taking his model doesn't make much difference now.

Overall Grade: B+

Restaurant Wars - Part IV

Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 11

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs looked at Lisa's terrible challenge placement record and were terrified of her cooking prowess, so someone sabotaged her rice. Either that or she just plain sucks. Not having to work on a team made Dale's competence soar, and he took the challenge win. Seeing which way the wind was blowing, Lisa sold Andrew out to the judges. His bizarre food and disdain for the challenge rules (after all, it's Top Chef 4 - Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us!) had probably sealed his fate anyway, but it sure showed what Lisa's like when the mask falls off. It's not much different from when the mask is on. I think Lisa needs a new mask. Six chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. I made a salsa with corn, black beans, onion, tomato, cilantro, lime juice, cumin, and a little oil and sugar. It turned out well, though chopping the tomato and onion took four times what the entire prep time should have taken.

5:45 AM. Ptom sneaks into the house, and rouses the chefs from their beds. Luckily, nobody's naked. Everyone groggily heads down to the kitchen, where Ptom explains today's Quickfire.

LabRat: "You all have to come clean my house."

Ptom says that they're headed to a local greasy spoon diner to work the egg station for breakfast. Spike outlines how difficult that can be, after which we hear the traditional pointless interviews about how everyone wants to win, and how there's no room for error anymore, and blah blah blah.

Quickfire. The chefs walk into a crowded diner, and Dale says that there's a line out the door. I don't get that. I can see waiting around for dinner, but rare is the mood where I'll willingly stand around for a long time so that I can pay for the pleasure of scrambled eggs. Ptom settles at the counter with coffee and a paper, pausing only to introduce the diner's owner Helene, who will be observing the chefs and selecting a winner. The chefs get to watch how the kitchen runs for a few minutes, and will then take turns working the egg station or "The Hole". Heh. Antonia and her "Yo Biotch!" shirt are up first. She makes sure to call back her orders to the waitstaff, and Helene nods her approval. She holds down the line fairly well until Helene calls time. Stephanie, holding her own in the Fuck Up Every Quickfire Mini-Competition, ruins several eggs. Richard has issues with diner lingo, though we never hear any. Lisa melts styrofoam to-go containers. Spike is flustered. Dale has a lot of orders come in at once, but manages to rise to the occasion.

Results. Helene says that it's a tough challenge, and that all the chefs did a remarkable job. Remarkable enough that no bottom people are mentioned; only the two who most impressed Helene. Those two are Antonia and Dale, and Antonia scores the win. Yay! Ptom congratulates her, and tells her that she'll have an advantage in the upcoming Elimination Challenge. We all know that it's pretty even money at this point whether an "advantage" lives up to its name, so I'll believe it when I hear it. Ptom says that he'll be attending a charity event later, and won't be present for the Elimination Challenge. Double yay! Actually, that's not entirely fair. Ptom has been pretty tolerable so far this season. He sends them on their way. I ignore some wretched, awkward product placement.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs come into a large, mostly empty room, where they're met by Padma. She informs them that tomorrow night, they'll be running their own restaurants. Hey, I thought Restaurant Wars was replaced by the wedding challenge! I guess not. I don't enjoy the Restaurant Wars challenge as much as the chefs do, but who am I to step on their excitement? The chefs will be split into two teams, and each will receive about 35 diners. They'll have $1500 for food and $5000 for decor. As the winner of the Quickfire, Antonia gets to choose the team she works with. That sounds good, although being given that choice is often fraught with peril. Antonia has now been designated the team leader whether she likes it or not, so if the team goes down, it's likely that she'll be eliminated. Yikes.

Antonia is no fool, and picks Stephanie and Richard without hesitation, leaving Dale, Lisa, and Spike stuck together again. It pleases me enormously that the chefs with the crappiest personalities keep getting thrown together and have a miserable time, never thinking to examine why things are going so poorly. Stephanie points out that this is kind of a Wedding Wars rematch. Well, rather than assign different nicknames each time like I did with that episode, let's just go with the obvious and call Antonia/Richard/Stephanie Team Winner and Spike/Dale/Lisa Team Loser. Dale thinks Team Loser will do okay, now that they've dropped the dead weight that was Nikki. Yeah, SHE was the reason you guys sucked. Keep telling yourself that.

The chefs have an hour to plan. Team Winner takes a popular route by coming up with a "fine dining food in a very relaxed atmosphere" concept. In other words, "Let's make whatever the hell we want." Team Loser is going to do Asian food, of course. Lisa says it'll be "fun, good vibe, good energy". Has she met her teammates? Has she met herself? She and Dale flip a coin to determine who will be executive chef, and Dale wins, if the duty to look after this crew of infants can be considered "winning". Lisa interviews that Dale has pissed off a lot of people, especially herself and Spike, which makes her nervous for the team. See what I mean about how these three never really examine why their teams never work? Spike says that it's time for Team Loser to pull together and be professional. And naturally, Spike is the arbiter of workplace decorum. Don't you tell your coworkers that they're little bitches?

Commercials. Watching companies try to sell cars in the middle of a economic downturn rife with soaring gas prices is sort of funny, in a morbid kind of way.

With eight hours until the restaurants open, the teams go to Whole Foods for an hour of shopping time. Antonia points out that there won't be a well-stocked Kitchen to help them out this time, so they're just buying anything that they may need. Dale grabs some rice that claims to be good for rice puddings. After they check out, it's off to Pier 1 for another hour of shopping. Spike interviews that he's taking front-of-house responsibilities for this challenge, which he says will be tough. Yeah, "tough" in the sense that nobody who's ever taken front-of-house has ever been eliminated. Nice cover, Spike. Stephanie wants to keep Team Winner's restaurant decor fairly simple, while Spike says Team Loser's buying tons of Buddhas. With five hours until service, the chefs head into the restaurant space. Stephanie seems overly confident of Team Winner's victory, which makes me nervous. Why am I so jittery tonight? Lisa and Dale can't even choose what part of the kitchen to work in without getting snippy. Antonia says that she'll be executive chef for Team Winner, with Richard as sous chef and Stephanie on front-of-house.

Each course has two options. Team Winner's first course will be a beet and goat cheese salad with ras el hanout, or some linguine with clams. The second course will be trout with cauliflower or leg of lamb with some lamb loin as well. Dessert will be Stephanie's Gorgonzola cheesecake or Richard's banana "scallops", which we've seen before. Team Loser's first course will be a choice between shrimp laksa or pork and pickled plum pot stickers. The second course will be butterscotch miso scallops or braised short ribs, and dessert will be Dale's halo-halo and a mango sticky rice. Antonia points out again that Dale is fairly incapable of anything but Asian food. Is that such a detriment, though? I'm all for being well-rounded, but if you're going to specialize, Asian food is a good way to go. It's not like it'll ever be unpopular.

Spike is busy decorating, but makes sure he has some stamp on the food. He'll be braising the short ribs, which he says doesn't take a lot of work. Team Winner discovers that they didn't buy pasta, so they have to make their own. Man, if this season weren't already subtitled "Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us!", then "Top Chef 4 - It's Pastariffic!" would be there to snap it up. Antonia worries about getting it done on time. At this point, Anthony Bourdain strides into the kitchen, as he is taking Ptom's place for the week.

Tiffany: "Hi, I'm here to be condescending."

The chefs are appropriately nervous. Spike interviews that if anyone can identify good Asian food, it's Anthony, so that adds some pressure. Both teams present a nice, united front. Everything's going great! No problems here! Anthony comes out to give the audience his impressions, and it is here that we discover that the major problem with the Ptimewasting segment rests with Ptom. Anthony says that Team Winner has deliberately created modest expectations, which makes it that much easier to exceed them. Meanwhile, Team Loser has a more challenging menu, which means they'll either do really well or really poorly. He says that they're confident with preparing Asian food, but "Asia's big. How good can you be at all of those things?" Lisa's laksa, in particular, must meet a high expectation, but if Team Loser can pull it off, it will be a major accomplishment. So Anthony just gave us information that was pertinent, insightful, and even kind of funny. Ptom can rarely dredge up even one of the three. Can we make this replacement permanent?

Anthony walks back into the kitchen, and tells the teams that since there's so much to do, they'll each get an additional pair of hands to help them. In come Jennifer, Nikki, Mark, and Andrew. Anthony Troy McClures that the chefs may remember these guys from such shows as this one. Hehe. Antonia is thrilled to have someone to roll out Team Winner's pasta. Team Loser gets to pick first. Andrew looks as psycho as ever, and Mark looks as stoned as ever, so Team Loser snags Jenn. Nikki the Pasta Queen is, of course, welcome over at Team Winner. Mark and Andrew leave, with Mark wishing everyone luck. Anthony tells the chefs they've got three hours left, and to make good use of their time.

Back to work, scrubs! Dale's halo-halo is to be accompanied by an avocado mousse, but one of the avocados must have been off, because the mixture is brown mush, and looks disgusting. He says he'll try to fix it, and if he can't, they'll toss it off the menu. Disappointing, but simple enough, right? Yes, but this is Dale we're talking about, so setbacks aren't met with calm competence; they're met with cursing and tantrums. Team Loser's problems continue when Lisa discovers that her rice has been pulled off the heat before it's done. Maybe Lisa should just avoid rice for the rest of her time. I don't even mean her time on the show. I mean her time on Earth. So now they're both in bad moods, and Lisa says that that's all Dale's fault, because she can't be cheerful when people around her are sour. Handy. Over at Team Winner, Nikki is proving more useful than just providing another pair of hands, as she discovers a lot of grit in the clams. Richard says that they should be fine, but Nikki tests them again, and finds grit again, so Antonia decides the clams should be rewashed. She interviews that rather than squabbling over individual dishes, they're all making sure that everything is successful, so that the entire team can win. How far in life does she expect to get with that reasonable, respectful attitude? She should punch a locker or something.

Lisa asks Dale to taste her food (the laksa, I think), and he says that he's not getting any spice off of it, just smoke. Spike finds something off about it, too. The editors do a nice job of showing the contrast between the two teams by Dale's interview that it's Lisa's soup, so what does he care if it sucks, and Spike's that nobody can hold him accountable for any problems with the food. Now, that's an attitude that'll get you ahead in life! With one hour until service, some waitstaff enters. Stephanie gives them the menu, and emphasizes having a good, fun experience. She doesn't want it to be a stuffy, suit-and-tie affair. And...contrast! Spike puts on a suit and tie, and isn't wearing a hat, for once. I'm surprised he was able to resist. He sets his waiters to work on setting tables and polishing flatware. With forty-five minutes left, Lisa finds that her mango sticky rice isn't sticky. Quick quiz! Does the blame for this lie with:

a) Lisa
b) Anyone in the world except Lisa

I'll bet you can guess Lisa's answer. Yes, she was "forced into" doing the sticky rice. Huh, I guess they edited out the scene where she was beaten with sticks until she tearfully agreed to take that on. Dale comes up with a suggestion to fold in a pastry cream to make the rice stickier, but when she does that, it turns out like mush. Dale tells her to throw it in a pot (and heat it, presumably) to season it. Time begins to wind down. Everyone makes final preparations. The doors open, and diners begin to flood in. Stephanie pastes a generic hey-there-how-can-I-help-you smile on her face.

Commercials. If you don't eat soy bars, how will you ever master the jump rope?

Stephanie seats some diners. Antonia interviews that historically, all teams have some disaster befall them in this challenge. It never goes entirely well for anyone. Spike hopes his underdog team can come from behind. I hope they fail miserably, and all three of them are eliminated. The judges head to Team Winner's side first. Padma introduces the judges. Along with herself and Anthony, Ted is again stepping in for Gail (boo!), and this week's guest judge is Jose Andres, a chef from Spain who will soon have a show on PBS. I love Spanish food; I may have to check that out. Antonia and Richard hop to get the judges' food ready in a hurry. Ted is pissy before he even takes a bite. My patience with him has almost entirely run out, especially because from what little I've read, the contestants have far more food and cooking credentials than him. Anyway, Stephanie serves and explains the first course. The beet salad looks kind of strange, but I've always had kind of a roller coaster relationship with beets, so I'm not the best judge. The linguine and clams comes with some sausage and a horseradish creme fraiche. The judges like everything more than they expected to, and the regular diners enjoy it as well.

The next course is the trout with cauliflower and the two kinds of lamb. The presentation is lovely, which the judges note. They also like all the flavors. Can it be? Could a team actually pull off a successful Restaurant Wars menu? Only dessert will tell. Stephanie brings out the savory Gorgonzola cheesecake with a sweet potato puree and a concord grape sauce. Richard's banana "scallops" are served with a banana guacamole and chocolate ice cream. I'd really like to try both of those dishes. Although the brown, poopy smear of chocolate on the plate doesn't appeal to the judges, the flavors do, and they also give points for difficulty in combining a sweet and savory dessert. Go Team Winner! The judges head over to Team Loser.

Panny: "Oh, this is going to be one nightmare after another."

Spike seats the judges, and silently endures their barbs about the purple napkins. Lisa frets over her crappy laksa. Dale yells at the waiters to take out the food, then calls them assholes when they go. Wouldn't you love to work for him? Spike presents the spicy coconut shrimp laksa (in very pretty bowls, I must say), and the pork and pickled plum pot stickers. The pot stickers get a good review, but the laksa is too smoky, just as Dale said it was. Spike comes back to the kitchen long enough to whine about the portion size of the short rib. After Lisa and Dale shoo him out, Dale calls him a fucking idiot. Seriously, the line to have Dale as your boss forms at the left. Hey, where's everyone going? The short ribs look good. They're served with pickled red cabbage and an apple basil salad. The butterscotch miso scallops are served with spicy eggplant and some pickled long beans. The butterscotch sauce is not a hit with either the judges or the diners.

Dale asks a mild question about Lisa's rice, and she snaps at him for seemingly no reason. Let's stick to calling Dale an asshole when he's actually being one, please. It's not like you'll have to wait too long for the opportunity. In fact, it takes approximately two seconds, as he begins yelling at Spike and the waiters again. Lisa hates Dale. Dale hates Lisa. Everyone hates both of them. Spike brings out dessert. The halo-halo looks like wheat germ juice. The mango sticky rice has toasted coconut on top. The judges say the halo-halo comes across as predictable, but successful. "Compared to this atrocity," Padma says, holding up the sticky rice. I think she may be drunk. Nobody likes it at all. Anthony calls it "baby vomit with wood chips". The diners agree that Team Loser's dessert sucked. Some noses are wrinkled in disgust. They fill out comment cards for both teams, which the judges will take into account. The chefs try to schmooze the diners for compliments. Jennifer tells Dale she hopes she was helpful. Well, I doubt she could have made this team any worse, so there's that. Spike says that Team Loser's diners didn't hear any hint of the turmoil in the kitchen, and loved everything. He then immediately goes on to say that both Dale and Lisa suck. In other words "We should totally win! But if we don't, it's not my fault!"

Commercials. Is it me, or is Bravo's lineup getting worse by the season? Once Project Runway jumps ship, what's left besides this show?

Judges' Table. The teams toast each other. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons Team Winner to the table. The front of Richard's faux-hawk is pushed back, and he looks even loopier than usual. Team Winner is unsurprisingly declared victorious. Even Anthony was very impressed by the team's comportment and performance. Jose gets to announce this week's individual winner, and he chooses Stephanie, which I said in the short version was weird. I was thinking it was odd that the front-of-house person would win a challenge based on food, but since the judges saw her pasta and her cheesecake as standouts, it makes sense now. She wins two tickets to a culinary and wine tasting tour in Barcelona. Oh, snap! I've been there, but was horribly sick the whole time, and never got to enjoy it properly. Back in the Kitchen, Stephanie gives everyone on Team Loser a good-luck hug before they head to their doom.

Odd Asian music. Actually, I guess the Asian music makes total sense this week! OK, so... Asian music. Gong. Team Loser lines up, the expression on their faces showing that they're ready for battle, or at least a big hissyfit. Padma makes the remark that "a lot of the diners considered you the weaker team in this challenge". That sounds pretty fishy to me, like the comments were pretty evenly spread, and they're trying to bury it in semantics. I think it's great that this team lost, but don't see why the judges can't just say so. Asked who picked the ugly napkins, Spike says it was all three of them. Ah. So Spike, who earlier tried to wriggle out of any responsibility for anything not front-of-house related, is now trying to wriggle out of front-of-house related problems as well. He's hilarious, and not in the way he thinks he is. Anthony makes a good point when he says that the upscale decor only added to Team Loser's problems, as it suggested a place where a greasy dumpling is unforgivable, rather than a place where a greasy dumpling would be a delight.

The judges go on to excoriate the food. Dale takes responsibility for the butterscotch sauce, and admits that it was too sweet. Lisa takes responsibility for the laksa, and admits that it was too smoky. My hopes that these obnoxious freaks might actually act like adults this week rise. Except for Spike, of course, who's now busily explaining that his laksa is way better than Stupid Lisa Garbargeface's. Dale is asked where he was in this whole laksa process, and he says that he doesn't know laksa at all, and trusted his teammates to know what they were doing. That's a reasonable response, but the judges go back to that annoying argument they love so, which is that the executive chef is automatically to blame for anything going wrong. Asked about the relative highlight of the braised short ribs, the three chefs babble for a while before it's settled that they were Spike's recipe, but that Lisa and Dale actually made them.

Now, to the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad sticky rice. Here is where my hopes for a mature Judges' Table go up in flames. Lisa says she's never made sticky rice before, and that Dale selected the rice that went into it. This sparks a huge fight about whether he did or did not select the rice (he did), but neither of them seems to get that the kind of rice that went into this crap dessert isn't particularly germane to why it failed. After Dale and Lisa fight again, some more, FOREVER, Anthony intervenes. Jose is disgusted by the way they're acting, saying that these attitudes are not what this business is about. He then completely nails Spike for shrewdly choosing front-of-house duties to keep himself out of the line of fire. There's some talk about whether Dale, as executive chef, should have been able to keep a tighter rein on Lisa. I don't really buy that, just as I didn't when Lee Anne was blamed for not keeping control of Stephen. Trying to boss Lisa around would have made the experience even worse. They throw trite cliches at each other. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Team Loser was obviously working at cross-purposes from the very start. Spike is nothing to write home about, but did his job properly. I guess his tendency to ignore food and focus on the game actually paid off for once. Dale's butterscotch sauce was horrible. Lisa screwed up both of her dishes, and can't accept a word of criticism. Back in the Kitchen, Lisa and Spike snipe about Dale in whispers, and he crabs for them to just come out and say it. In the next sentence, he pretends not to care, and tells them they can whisper all they want. Convincing. And drop the fucking "street" gestures, please. You're about as intimidating as a Hello Kitty backpack full of daisies. The judges make a decision.

Commercials. Oh, I was wrong about the Bravo awards show giving out awards to other Bravo shows. So, it's not completely ridiculous. Just unnecessary.

Elimination. None of the chefs stepped up to the challenges of running a restaurant. Dale fell down on leadership, and his scallop dish was disgusting. Lisa made horrible food. Spike avoided trouble, whether by guile or luck. And with that, it's over to Padma for the chopping. I expect Lisa to go. The rest of the viewing party expects Lisa to go. Various plant life in Sweden expects Lisa to go. I begin to make an "L" in my notebook. Dale. Please pack your knives and go. Whaaaaaaaaa? Listen, I'm no fan of Dale's. I'd do a cartwheel right now if there were enough room, pleased as punch that I won't have to put up with this annoying twat anymore. But really? Dale over Lisa? I think in this challenge, it should really boil down to overall potential. Dale fucked up some food and has a terrible attitude. Lisa fucked up some food and has a terrible attitude. Dale failed to maintain a good line of communication with "his sous chef". Lisa failed to treat her "boss" with the proper respect. Based on the challenge alone, either one of them would be ripe for elimination, so why not cut the one whose food is consistently bad? What a strange choice.

Dale thanks the judges, but I'm not going to buy any pretense of class from someone who works overtime at being unpleasant. The chefs on Team Winner are just as shocked as everyone else to hear of Dale's elimination. In his final interview, he says he's happy with who he is, and tears up as he admits that he has trouble saying good-bye, though he manages one for everyone except his sworn enemy. He says he's made some bad decisions, but that doesn't make him a bad chef. No, he's probably a good chef. He's just a shitty human being.

P.S. - Anthony Bourdain's blog entry about this episode is worth reading. I agree with almost all of his points, except that chef personality clearly enters into decisions. Maybe not in this case, but if you look at the personas of the competitors and the order of elimination in all four seasons, you could practically plot most episodes' outcomes on a graph.

Overall Grade: B

Ready for My Close-Up

America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 11

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Katarzyna was pretty, but boring, and got eliminated. That's all they can find to say about last week, so they see fit to tell us what happened two weeks ago as well. I'll assume you're up to speed.

The challenge this week is to act as photographer, and each of the girls takes pictures of Paulina in the park. Whitney and Fatima do a nice job, but Anya and Dominique are too unfocused. Fatima wins the challenge, which gives her fifty extra frames at the upcoming photo shoot.

The shoot is photographed by Nigel, and the girls are styled as '50s glamour queens who have been caught by the paparazzi. Because swarms of paparazzi were such a big problem in the 1950s.

LabRat: "If this were really the '50s, Fatima would be dressed like a maid."

Nobody seems to do that great a job, but Anya lucks into a good shot, and Whitney's natural beauty powers her through. That leaves Fatima and Dominique in the bottom two, and the battle of whose self-satisfaction is least warranted is finally settled, as Dominique is banished.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: This crushing bore of a season comes to a close. I'm throwing my tepid support behind Whitney.

Overall Grade: C

The Final Push

The Amazing Race - Season 12, Episode 11

Previously on The Amazing Race: Los Angeles. Ireland. The Netherlands. Burkina Faso. Lithuania. Croatia. Italy. India. Japan. Taiwan. There were uncooperative animals (yay!). There were uncooperative teammates (boo!). Eight teams fell by the wayside, including all of the annoying ones. Last to get axed were the obnoxious Bickersons, who went out without having won a single leg, and to add insult to injury, were punted on Jennifer's birthday. Oh, yeah. That episode was so good, it just had to be fattening. Now, three teams remain. Ronald and Christina have a truckload of family issues to work through, and though it seems unlikely that everything will be hearts and flowers forever, Ronald has learned that when he stops bitching at his daughter, the two of them race better. Their intelligence and language aptitude has given them the edge time and again. Nicolas and Donald had to contend with the problem of Donald's oldness. Though they seemed ripe for early elimination, Donald's vast experience with every vocation on Earth, combined with Nick's methodical thinking has gotten them into the final three. TK and Rachel miraculously maintained calm attitudes throughout the entire race, even when things weren't going well. Their zen-like demeanor helped them overcome setbacks and find shortcuts, often propelling them ahead of teams who panicked their way into last. Tonight, one of these three teams will win one million dollars. Who will win...The Amazing Race?

Last week, I focused on the fact that all three final teams are relatively nice people, and thus all "deserve" to win. What I didn't notice until now is that not only are they nice, but not a single one of them got into the final three by solely relying on big muscles, like so many have before. The gym-rats are no longer with us. The people who remain got here with intelligence. With language skills. With the ability to avoid emotional meltdowns. With kindness. I can't express just how refreshing it is to spend the last leg with these three teams, rather than some bland bartender/model whose nipple rings are the most interesting thing about him.

Opening credits. Ronald and Christina merrily hike through the forest, grateful that the theme song eliminates the need for conversation.

Oh, ew. Tonight is the first political ad of the season. I couldn't even vote for this Illinois judge if I wanted to, but this serves as a bitter reminder that my television and mailbox will soon overflow with tedious political rhetoric. Once that's dispensed with, we rejoin Phil in Taipei, Taiwan. Ronald and Christina are off the mat first at 9:47 AM. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to fly to the final destination city: Anchorage, Alaska. Once they land, they'll make their way to an outdoor adventure store to pick up their next clue and a bag of supplies. Christina says that all the teams left are strong and smart, but that she and Ronald are stronger and smarter. Way to tempt Fate, Christina. TK and Rachel leave at 10:30 AM, and are super-excited about going to Anchorage. They remind us that keeping calm heads has kept them in the race, so that's the strategy for them.

Ronald and Christina arrive at the airport, and head for China Air. Meanwhile, Nick and Don are leaving the mat at 10:37 AM. Nick interviews that running the race has given him newfound respect for his grandfather. Donald raises his hand, all "That's me!" Hehe. Nick is sure Alaska holds a hunting or fishing challenge, and of course, Don has all sorts of experience with both. Ron and Christina buy tickets, and Ronald asks if there's any way they could get a free upgrade, so that they may use the airline's lounge. The agent agrees, which not only gets Ronald and Christina out of the other teams' view, but provides access to the internet, so they can look up directions to the adventure store. Wow, good thinking. TK and Rachel arrive, and piggyback on Ronald and Christina's flight. Nicolas and Donald also get these tickets, so everyone's tied again. TK/Rachel/Nick/Don fret over the fact that Ronald and Christina are nowhere to be seen, and set off in search of them. They never find them, as Ronald and Christina are hidden in the China Air lounge, writing down information about the adventure store. Eventually, the other teams give up, and settle at the gate. Ronald and Christina join them after a while.

Limecrete: "Heh. They look shifty."
LabRat: "Ancient Chinese secret!"

The flight takes off. Everyone wants to win the race, in case you thought the teams would arrive in Alaska and take a few hours off to sightsee. The flight lands, and everyone prepares to hustle out and grab taxis. TK tries to psych out Nick and Don by innocently asking who's going to be the fastest runner, but kids that he's seen Ron run like a ninja. Heh. Everyone dashes for cabs. TK and Rachel's driver dithers a moment over the name of the adventure store. Ronald and Christina's information pays off, and they arrive at the store first. They pick up their sack of supplies and their clue. Rrrrrrip! Now, the actual clue tells teams to find "Ship Creek Boat Launch". But you know how teams are. They're in a hurry, and read things off quickly. So it sounds for all the world like the teams will be frantically searching for "Shit Creek", to which I dearly hope they bring a paddle.

Ronald and Christina run out of the store, and their driver says he knows exactly where Shit Creek is. Ronald unwraps a big knife, guessing that they'll be filleting some fish, and hoping he doesn't cut himself. Holding the blade like that is not a good start. TK and Rachel arrive, grab their supplies and clue, and head for Shit Creek. Their driver claims to know where it is, but the film goes into slow-motion, so I'm guessing he doesn't. Nick and Don arrive, read their clue, and leave for Shit Creek. Notice what's missing there? Sadly, they've left their bag of supplies behind, sitting on the counter. Nick opines that they're only a couple of minutes behind. That abandoned bag begs to differ.

Shit Creek Boat Launch. Ronald and Christina arrive, and run up to the cluebox. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! Cut the Cod or Grab the Crab. Jeez, this is the dirtiest leg ever. And I don't mean dirty like the mud bog. Mud bog! In Cut the Cod, teams use their great big honkin' knife to cut through fifty-pound cod, looking for a small metal capsule containing the next clue. In Grab the Crab, teams board a boat with large wells of water containing more than 500 live crabs. They then sift through the crabs, looking for one marked with the red/yellow band. Pinching crabs hurt. I'd go for the cod; I've dissected all sorts of stuff. Ronald and Christina agree, and head for Cut the Cod. Like Christina, I didn't really comprehend "fifty-pound cod" until faced with them, but these suckers are way bigger than I expected. Ronald gets to sawing a fish's head off, saying that it's no easy task for a city slicker.

TK and Rachel pull up to an area that is definitely not Shit Creek Boat Launch. Nick and Don's driver is telling them that it's his job as a cabbie to know where stuff like that is. Tell it to TK and Rachel's driver. The one they had last week, too. Rachel asks some nearby fishermen if they know where the Shit Creek Boat Launch is, and they say it's about five minutes thataway. Back in the cab, TK puts his hand on his forehead, which is his version of losing his temper. Back at Cut the Cod, Ronald worries about having to sift through so many guts, but Christina runs across the clue, almost by accident. Most emphatic non-Rrrrrrrip! She reads off the clue quietly, in case other teams are lurking. They must now take a taxi sixty miles to a boat landing, then take a speedboat upriver to 20-Mile Glacier. Phil tells us that teams don't know they'll have to climb the face of the glacier before getting the next clue. He actually demonstrates the task, which is somewhat unusual for Phil. He sure didn't jump in with those crabs.

As Ronald and Christina leave, Nick and Don arrive, with TK and Rachel right behind them. Christina tells her driver that they can't let those other yellow cabs pass them at any point. Because there are only three yellow taxis in the entire state. Nick and Don reach the cluebox just ahead of TK and Rachel. When Nick reads off the Detour, and spots TK and Rachel with their bag, he realizes that they've left their stuff behind at the adventure store. An "Oh, fuckety fuck-fuck" expression settles on his face.

Commercials. Make sure you buy a dishwasher with a "pulverizing food disposer". You know, for those times you inadvertently leave an entire avocado on the rack.

In the cab back to the adventure store, Don admonishes Nick for misreading the clue. Nick brings up the whole hindsight-is-twenty-twenty chestnut, but Donald's not having it. "You read the clue, but you didn't understand it, so we're fucked. That's the way I see it." Ouch. TK and Rachel rip the Detour clue, and don't sound too enamored with slicing open giant cod, so they head for Grab the Crab. Ronald and Christina are happy to be in the lead, and Christina says they've come a long way since the first leg. Strange that their relationship has strengthened over the course of the race, because I have to admit, spending 30,000 miles with me in stress mode would probably lower your opinion of me in a hurry. TK and Rachel hop into one of the crab wells on the boat. They get pinched. A lot. TK says he's not sure if they've chosen the right Detour, but Rachel is too busy fending off crab advances to respond. Nick and Don get back to the adventure store, grab their bag of supplies, and run out. TK and Rachel are not making good progress, and TK suggests changing Detours. In their cab, Nick and Don agree that Don can make short work of gutting a fish, so that's the one they'll be heading for. Rachel hops into another crab well, and gets attacked. She's starting to hop on board the Let's Change Tasks wagon.

Nick and Don arrive back at the Detour. In one of those moments you couldn't plan if you tried, the last crab TK looks at before abandoning the task has the marked band on its claw. Who knows how the race would have turned out if this hadn't happened? TK and Rachel rip their next clue, and leave for the speedboat, just as Nicolas and Donald get started on their cod. TK says that it won't take Donald long, so they've got to hurry. Indeed, Don discovers the clue pretty quickly. They leave for the speedboat. Nick says that they're only a few minutes behind TK and Rachel, but Donald's still not thrilled with being third out of three right now. All three teams sit tensely in their cabs.

Ronald and Christina arrive at the river, and jump into their speedboat, which is thankfully driven by someone who knows what he's doing. They zoom up the river, taking in the picturesque scenery of Alaska. It really is beautiful. They enjoy the ride, and "WOO!" a lot. TK and Rachel's driver, who didn't know where the Shit Creek Boat Launch was, doesn't know where the speedboat one is, either. I'm sensing he's not taking home the Employee of the Year trophy. As he jabbers away on his phone, TK comes close to losing his temper for the first time in the entire race. He tells the driver that either they need to find a way there, or they need a new taxi. Rachel reminds him to stay calm, though she commiserates with the fact that they had more success communicating with taxi drivers in India. Heh. Nick and Don's driver isn't having any problems, boasting that he's number one. Still, TK and Rachel are next to the speedboats. Rachel wants to take the green one. Atta girl! They board, and Nick and Don arrive. As they enjoy their rides, we hear both teams voice-over about how great the experience of the race has been.

Ronald and Christina arrive at the glacier, and the clue/safety wrangler tells them they have to climb the face of the ice wall to get to the next clue. Ronald mentions something about a fear of heights, but a twenty-foot drop into water should be the least of his worries right about now. Besides, he didn't seem to have much trouble with heights when he was cycling across a ravine or zip-lining all over the place. Not that the climb looks easy, just not scary. The wrangler hands him his climbing picks, and he nervously gets started. Christina starts up a few feet behind him. The other teams approach. Ronald makes excellent progress up the glacier, but Christina cannot get herself over the first lip of the ice. It appears to be the most difficult part of the climb, and upper-body strength is key. She's still struggling down there when Ronald reaches the top. TK and Rachel arrive. Christina begins to freak out.

Commercials. A woman eats yogurt, and is transported to a swing covered with flowers, an orgasmic smile on her face.

LabRat: "I always feel like that when I eat yogurt, too."

Christina voices-over that what got her through the climb was knowing that her dad was waiting on top of the glacier. Nice try, but I'm thinking it's because TK and Rachel are right on her ass now. She finally makes it over the ice ridge, and the rest of the climb is quickly dispensed with. As TK gets started on the climb, Ron and Christina open the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! It tells them to take a helicopter to Merrill Field. From there, they'll take a taxi to Goose Lake Park, where the next clue awaits. Ronald and Christina head for one of the three nearby helicopters. TK skitters up the wall quickly, but Rachel is having problems in the exact same place Christina was. I'm telling you, it's their womanly lack of upper-body strength. Because you know my pecs and arms are practically chiseled out of marble. Ronald and Christina take off. Nicolas and Donald have arrived, and are suiting up in their safety gear. TK reaches the top of the wall. Rachel is over the ridge, and soon joins him. They're off to the copters.

Donald gets started on the climb. Once he's over the ridge, he progresses nicely. I dearly hope I can do this sort of stuff when I'm sixty-nine. Nicolas has trouble on the ridge, but in his case, it looks to be because he's so tall. TK and Rachel hope to catch up to Ronald and Christina. Well, it won't be on the helicopter ride, because Ronald and Christina have already landed, and are hopping a taxi to Goose Lake Park. Nick reaches the top of the glacier, and he and Don head for the helicopter. Donald says the Roadblock is their only hope of making up time now. TK and Rachel land, having thoroughly enjoyed their helicopter ride, and get a taxi. Ronald and Christina arrive at the park, and spot the cluebox. Rrrrrrip! Roadblock! "Who wants to relive your experience on the race?" Ah, so as usual, the final Roadblock is a mental task, which I'm all for. And this one is a doozy. As Phil explains, there are fifteen recognizable items from previous legs of the race awaiting nearby. There's also a small stage area. The Roadblocker must place ten items on the stage, one from each of the previous legs. But that's not all! There are requirements:

1) Only one item from each leg can be placed on the stage. No doubling up.
2) Three of the items must be animals or animal by-products (the cleaning man, the donkey, the chicken, the camel's milk, etc.)
3) One of the items must be a U-Turn.
4) Two must be items either brought to a pitstop or awaiting the teams there (the chicken, the gun, etc.)
5) Two must be items of transportation with wheels.
6) Of the two transportation items, one of them must have been used at a Detour.
7) One must be another transportation item, this one resembling the shape of a stick (the stilts, the ditch-vaulting pole, etc.)

Phil explains that there are several items that belong to more than one category, but there's only one correct answer. So this is like one of those logic problems on the Analytical Thinking portion of the GRE. Once the Roadblocker arranges the items correctly, a box will pop open, revealing the next clue. Now, let me preface what I'm about to say by admitting that working this problem out by sitting down to think at a desk in a quiet room would be infinitely easier than in an open field, with cameras in your face, in a race for a million dollars, with your competitors breathing down your neck. That out of the way... I would fucking OWN this task. Of all the tasks in twelve seasons of the race, this is the one that was practically designed for me. I love logic puzzles. That Analytical Thinking part of the GRE? Perfect score. I would take this Roadblock so fast, it'd make my partner's head spin. I do have to say, upon hearing the challenge's parameters, I wish for a split second that the Bickersons were still around, just so I could watch how gloriously they'd screw it up. The feeling passes. Christina takes the Roadblock.

She runs off to one of the three staging areas. Ronald tells the cameraman he hopes she can get it done quickly. Duh. She reads off her parameters, giving us the additional information that Roadblockers may not use writing utensils or paper to work out the answer. Ouch. The audience is let in on the correct grouping of items:

1) Ireland - The tandem bicycle.
2) The Netherlands - The bicycle at the Hunt It Detour.
3) Burkina Faso, Part 1 - The camel's milk.
4) Burkina Faso, Part 2 - The chicken.
5) Lithuania - The stilts.
6) Croatia - The gun.
7) Italy - The BlackBerry.
8) India - The U-Turn.
9) Japan - The cleaning man.
10) Taiwan - The teacup.

Christina gets started, beginning with the easiest item - the U-Turn. She knows it could apply to the India leg as well as to Burkina Faso - Part 2. She then grabs the chicken, working out that since it's certainly one of the items brought to the pitstop, India will be represented by the U-Turn. I live for this shit. The lagging teams vroom along. Christina takes a very literal view of the word "transportation", and she's reluctant to use either the stilts or the ditch-vaulting pole. TK and Rachel arrive. Rachel takes the Roadblock. She goes through the same motions as Christina, placing the U-Turn, then the chicken. I should mention that the stages don't face each other, so no worry that anyone's cheating. TK and Ronald have a friendly chat about how it's really coming down to the wire. Christina has placed the donkey (bzzt), the bicycle (ding!), the chicken (ding!), the camel's milk (ding!), and the U-Turn (ding!). Rachel has placed several items, and I can't quite make out what all of them are, but she lugs the stilts over (ding!).

Nicolas and Donald arrive, and Nick takes the Roadblock. So now, all three Roadblockers plug away, while their partners chat and fret. Christina works out the stilts (ding!). Rachel works out the gun (ding!). Nick has a bunch of stuff on his stage, and I can see, along with several correct items, the cart with the propane tanks (bzzt). Christina works out the teacup (ding!) and the cleaning man (ding!). She claims to be finished, but the cluebox doesn't open, because she's got Ireland wrong. It's not terribly clear, but I think the problem is that she's got the donkey and the tandem bike representing Ireland, and the propane cart representing the second wheeled transportation method (Rule #5). But with the U-Turn, that gives both Ireland and India two items, which violates Rule #1. Rachel checks over her items. She's also tripped up on the donkey, and in addition, has incorrectly placed the propane cart and the bouquet of flowers. Again, the editing's a bit confusing, but I think she's got the flowers and the cleaning man, which doubles up on Japan items.

Nicolas isn't doing well, having incorrectly placed items for Ireland, the Netherlands, and Croatia, and briefly misidentifies the BlackBerry as belonging to the Lithuania leg. Christina realizes that she's got both the donkey and the tandem bike, and fixes the Ireland screwup. She fails to identify the cleaning man as an animal, so she doesn't want to get rid of the donkey. Whuh, oh. Rachel and Nick ask their cleaning men to get on stage. Christina realizes her cleaning man belongs, which gives her too many animals, but doesn't know how to fix it. Rachel doesn't recognize the ditch-vaulting stick. Nick doesn't recognize the gun. Christina rearranges some items, but unfortunately, she's in worse shape now than she was on her first attempt. Her voice wavers. She's confused and frustrated. Rachel and Nick are also flustered. The partners stand by and worry.

Commercials. With all the free internet porn that's available, I really don't see a reason to go see a movie that's basically an excuse for Matthew McBlahblahblah to show off his chest for two hours.

Ronald shows remarkable patience (for him), saying that although Christina was first to the Roadblock, everyone's having problems, so the puzzle must be difficult to solve. Christina is starting to lose her composure, which is understandable, but which is the last thing you want to have happen when working out a problem like this. Rachel, on the other hand, takes a deep breath, and remains calm. As she works out one of her issues, her cleaning man pretends to dust something. Heh. Christina prays to God for help. Her donkey has taken a crap on the stage. Rachel realizes that she's got two Netherlands items, and quickly replaces the ditch-vaulting pole with the tandem bike. That does it, and her cluebox pops open. We get a shot of the other five people's faces, and you can imagine the expression on each one. TK gleefully shouts to Rachel to open the clue. Rrrrrrrip! It tells them to travel by taxi to "Cook's eye view of the Sleeping Lady". Phil explains that this is a statue of Captain Cook, where the next clue awaits. TK and Rachel's taxi driver knows where the Sleeping Lady is, though we never hear what it is.

Christina finishes the Roadblock. She gets her clue, and runs back to Ronald, almost crying as she apologizes. He tells her that she did a good job. Aw. Their taxi driver knows where he's going, and they take off. Christina tells him it'd be swell if he could pass TK and Rachel. Speaking of whom, their driver is now second-guessing himself, and has to turn around. Dun dun duuuuun! Both cabs drive along, and a team arrives at the statue, which stands in Resolution Park. Hahahahaha! Nice job, editors. It's TK and Rachel, who grab the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! It tells them to travel on foot to find the Salmon Hooker, and before you go all pervy on me, it's a statue of a fish which looks as if someone has attacked it with a BeDazzler. TK and Rachel get directions, as Ronald and Christina arrive and rip their clue. Both teams find out that the statue resides at the corner of 5th and G. TK and Rachel are first to the cluebox. Rrrrrrip! It tells them to take a taxi to Girdwood Airport, and run to the finish line. Ron and Christina get their clue. Both teams grab taxis. It sounds like Ronald and Christina use a rape whistle to flag theirs down. Christina asks her ZZ-Top-lookin' driver to go as fast as possible. I'd opt for offering him a thousand bucks if he gets me to the finish line first.

Both teams prepare for the final sprint. Ronald says that if they don't win, they'll be disappointed, but that he's become a better person over the course of the race. Heartening, but I'd still like to peek in on them in six months. Tense music plays. A cab approaches the airport, which is just a barren strip of land, though it has a nice mountain view in the background. Funny that this has been the best season in a long time, and yet the starting and finish lines were some of the least inspired ever. Phil stands at the final mat. The eliminated teams stand by and cheer. And who is it, running for the finish? Well, TK and Rachel, of course. They dash up to the mat, and are declared the winners of the race. Rachel jumps into TK's arms. The other teams clap. Lorena is still amazingly pretty. TK says it doesn't even feel real. Phil asks about their relationship. Smash cuts to Kynt and the Bickersons. Hehehe. TK says that their relationship has grown throughout the race. They're proud of each other, and kiss happily.

Ronald and Christina run for the finish line. They immediately congratulate TK and Rachel, which was nice. Christina says of Ronald that there's nobody else in the entire world she would have rather run the race with. Smash cut to the IBs. Ha! The mean editors are on fire! Ronald says that he didn't come up with first place, but he came up with first place in his daughter's heart. Aw, that's so daddily corny. The two of them hug and cry, and Ronald sort of steps on the moment when he says that he can finally say "I love you" and mean it. I know, he probably means that he's learning to express an emotion he previously thought embarrassing, but it still came off as somewhat assy. They're both happy for forging a deeper meaning to their relationship.

Later. Nicolas and Donald run up to the mat. Phil welcomes them, and tells Donald he's the oldest person ever to have completed the race. Woo! Phil asks him if he ever thought he'd make it so far. "Yeah, but not in third," Donald kids. Heh. Hendekea cracks up. Phil asks Nick if he's accomplished everything he wanted to, aside from winning. Nick says that aside from winning, his main goal was to finish the race, and enjoy the world with his grandfather, so he's gotten everything he wanted and more. Seriously, it's easy to forget, what with the million dollars on the line, but these folks got to experience nine foreign countries for free. That's a pretty awesome prize right there. The other teams crowd the mat and join in a cheer of "Grandpa! Grandpa! Grandpa!" Donald wipes a tear from his eye, and says that he's happiest that he finished every leg. Rachel loves TK. TK loves Rachel. They managed to not only finish, but win the entire race without a single meltdown. The teams applaud. Vyxsin looks pissed off. Christina grins. We leave on a freeze-frame of the happy winners.

As I've said so many times in the past, the quality of Amazing Race seasons is almost entirely dependent on the teams that remain in the final four or so. The tasks and destinations are almost (though certainly not entirely) irrelevant. I don't look back on Season 6 with much fondness, because the final four teams were Freddy & Kendra (bleh), Adam & Rebecca (bleh), Hayden & Aaron (BOOOOO!), and Kris & Jon (YAAAAAY!). If the final four had been Kris & Jon (YAAAAAY!), Lori & Bolo (Yay!), Don & MJ (Yay!), and Gus & Hera (Yay!), while this one had the Bickersons, Ari & Staella, the IBs, and Lorena & Jason, we'd be looking at very different experiences. Fortunately for us, any team not worth our support was quickly dispatched, except for the Bickersons, who weren't even that bad, compared to some past disasters. They went out at exactly the right time; they remained long enough to inject some drama into the season, but were axed before we had to start bracing ourselves for them to win. The locations this season were wonderful. The tasks were well-designed. The final three were a joy to root for. This season is going to be hard to match. I don't envy the next crop of contestants. They'll have to work hard to win me over as much as this crew did.

Overall Grade: B
Overall Season Grade: A+