The Girl Who Takes Credit

America's Next Top Model - Season 8, Episode 5

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Natasha had no idea what she was doing. Renee, conscious that acting like a bitch all the time would make her...look like a bitch, tried to be nicer, which lasted all of ten minutes. Dionne's clothing failed to impress the judges at panel, but it was Felicia (who's about five times prettier than Sarah and Natasha put together) who was sent packing. Nine girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. Man, I just cannot see Nicole's face without getting all mad about her winning. She sucked!

Evening at the model pad. Apparently, Los Angeles has a full moon every night of the year. Natasha is on the phone, asking her husband if he misses her in a mightily disturbing, wheedling tone. She also talks to her kid. Hey, I didn't know she had one of those. Why don't she and Renee hang out more? They could trade diaper rash stories. As if she just heard me, Natasha interviews that she hasn't bonded with any of the other girls. Outside, Whitney and Diana discuss Natasha's creepy marriage. It's mean, but it's true, as we hear Natasha make disturbing growling noises on the phone. Oh, it looks like Renee is hanging out on the patio as well, but is eerily silent for once. Whitney and Diana conclude that Natasha's marriage is kind of gross. Natasha coos some more. My skin crawls some more.

Morning. Sarah has bed-head. Jael's burn has mysteriously disappeared. Diana, who's wearing hoop earrings that Madonna threw away in 1983, eats a bowl of tuna. She's not loving it. Whitney asks if Diana's still trying to lose ten pounds. Whitney interviews that it's nice having another plus-size girl around, and that people can get a distorted view of reality when they're hanging out with girls who are 5'10" and weigh 125 pounds. Yikes. Some Tyra Mail awaits in the living room, and reads "Looking your worst can be the best thing that ever happens to you". "I win this one!" Jael exclaims. Hahahaha! Sarah looks at the Tyra Mail as if it suggests she'll be eating a bowl of live beetles later.

Later, the Monster Humvee drops the girls at what appears to be a sweatshop. See, not everything is outsourced. They're met by Cathy Gould and Claudia Mason. Claudia is a model, and is extremely pretty. Cathy runs the modeling agency that will be representing the eventual winner of this season. She's probably extremely competent, and a lovely person to boot, but on this show, Cathy's appearance can mean only one thing. Zzzzzzz. She and Claudia talk about teaching the girls how to dress, which is of particular interest to Dionne, who keeps getting beat up on at panel for not "dressing like a model". Sadly, she won't be learning much here. The girls are sent off to change, and come back looking pretty trashy. They're asked what they think. Natasha loves her outfit (which is narsty -- leggings flatter nobody), Whitney enjoys her accessories, and Jaslene thinks she looks "fun, young, and hip". Cathy drops the bomb that their outfits are actually examples of how not to dress. Burn! Dionne: "I was, like, 'Oh, snap!'. I was, like, 'We were lookin' kinda jacked up and busted here!" Hahaha! I love Dionne. Cathy and Claudia criticize a bunch of the outfits, as if the girls had picked them out themselves. The girls are directed to trade various articles of clothing. I'm not going to go into detail, because trust me, rearranging your sock drawer is more interesting than this segment. Poor, boring Cathy. Dionne claims to have learned something about simplicity in dressing.

Evening. Whitney is hanging out in bed, and Renee asks her if she honestly thinks there's ever going to be a plus-size model on the cover of Vogue. She sounds incredulous, but I honestly don't see why there wouldn't be. Society seems to be rolling around to the point where we hate overly skinny girls just as much as we hate overly fat ones. Whitney says as much. Renee says she's waiting to see Whitney "be a model" or something. Whitney tells her to "shut the heck up". Hehe. People who fight with the word "heck" are funny. Whitney must have reported to Diana what Renee said, because now Diana's all steamed up. She interviews that Renee's a bitch. The music gets all dramatic and clashy, despite the fact that this is the most fangless fight we've seen so far this season. Zzzzzz.

Commercials. Sorry, Eclipse, but I think Orbit has wrapped up the market on wacky-ass gum ads.

Crack of dawn. The girls enter a room with two "mannequins" who could not be more obviously real people, thus rendering standing still completely meaningless. There's a Sears logo on the wall, so we know we're in for some high fashion now! Renee is wearing an odd gray scarf pulled up to form a hood. It doesn't look bad on her; I just don't understand the point. The "mannequins" suddenly come to life, and the girls fail to hit the ceiling in surprise. The guys introduce themselves as Lawrence and Gregory Zarian, who are identical twin models. In keeping with the "theme" of the girls learning how to dress themselves (as well as the theme of boring segments), today's challenge will be to create a display, such as one you'd see in a mall. The girls are split into groups of three. Dionne, Sarah, and Renee are Group 1. Natasha, Jael, and Whitney are Group 2. Diana, Brittany, and Jaslene are Group 3. Dionne: "They told me my group members were going to be Sarah and Renee, and I was, like, 'Mmm. Sarah and Renee.'" Seriously, I can't do justice to how hilarious Dionne is.

Each team has two racks of clothing and some accessories to choose from. They have twenty minutes to throw a display together, and will be judged as a group, as well as individually. When time runs out, you have to be posing on a given platform, or you're disqualified. And...go! Jolly hoedown music plays during the model stampede. Ugly decorations are nabbed. Natasha and Jael disagree over a skirt. Dionne interviews that she's worked in retail, so she went ahead and chose the outfits for all three of the girls in Group 1. As commenter erin (welcome, by the way!) said, one of the few bright spots in this episode is Dionne getting a lot more screentime than she has in past episodes, but it was around this point that I began to worry. Girls who get a lot of screentime when they haven't previously are often the one who gets cut that week. Nooooooo! Jaslene is dying to win a challenge. She and Brittany simultaneously apply makeup to each other. Heh. Five minutes left. Jael puts on an unflattering shade of lipstick. A panicked Sarah asks Dionne and Renee which outfit is hers. Time runs out. Everyone hits their pose in the last few seconds.

The Zarians approach to judge, telling the girls to keep their poses. Whitney is sitting on the floor, and Natasha pesters her about needing to be on the podium. Well, too late now, suckas! When Whitney doesn't move, she says it again, and Whitney and Jael shush her. Group 1 (aka the Spring Monarchs) looks good. Nice, springtime colors, and a variety of poses. One of the Zarians finds the display busy (which it is), but likes that the outfits complement the girls' skin tones and hair colors. Group 2 (aka Tres Flores) is meh. A Zarian says they look good, but don't really come together as a group. Group 3 (aka Aphrodity's [sic] Box). Aphrodity's Box? Ew. Wouldn't Venus' Vagina be more direct? Natasha points out that when you create a name, you can spell it as wrong or as right as you want. Give the girl a gold star, because Krispy Kreme? Nick at Nite? Uncle Kracker? Sarah is dismissive of Natasha in an interview, but as far as I'm concerned, that's the first time Natasha's actually had a fair point when defending something. The Zarians love the display. In fact, Aphrodity's Box (ew) would have been the clear winner in their eyes, with Whitney as the individual winner. But! Whitney's not on the platform, so they're disqualified. Whitney's umbrella closes itself out of sheer embarrassment. Hehe. With them out of the way, the Spring Monarchs take the win.

LabRat: "That's not fair! That group should have won."
Limecrete: "No way. And besides, Dionne's group won, so yay!"
LabRat: "Eh, what do you know?"

The individual win goes to a girl that chose the perfect outfit for herself: Sarah. Um. Dionne is rightfully pissed, since she was the one who actually chose Sarah's outfit. Or maybe it was Renee, since she's now interviewing that she picked out the jewelry and top, and Dionne picked out the pants. In any case, Sarah had no hand in her outfit, yet doesn't say anything to that effect when she's chosen as the winner. Snake. Her prize is that at the photo shoot, she can take a set of pictures, review them, then take another set to try and fix any problems she had on the first set. Whitney is pissed at herself. Dionne is pissed at Sarah. Renee is always pissed. Piss all over the place. Whitney interviews that she should have listened to Natasha. It doesn't matter! Time had already run out; moving onto the platform would have been cheating.

Back at the model pad, Natasha stews that nobody ever listens to her. Gah! BY THE TIME NATASHA SPOKE UP ABOUT THE PLATFORM, IT DIDN'T MATTER. Renee and Whitney gossip about her in the kitchen. Wait, don't Renee and Whitney hate each other? Whatever. It's your basic stereotypical catty girl gossip about how Natasha may not even really be married, because she doesn't wear her ring or something. The editing suggests that Natasha may hear them, but it looks really patchy. Suffice it to say she hates the other girls, and as required by law on this show, flees to the phone to cry to someone. Her husband essentially tells her to grow a skin. She whines some more.

Commercials. Who sprinkles Cheddar cheese into their tomato soup? Bleh.

Tyra Mail! "Dude, where's my lipstick?" The girls wonder if there will be boys present at the photo shoot, and squeal, as they are wont to do. Natasha proudly shows off fashion shots she's been studying to Brittany, so she's not exactly the social outcast she paints herself as. She interviews that she's been practicing, and is getting better with facial expressions and such. I'm not sure why the music in the background wants to suggest a Greek wedding banquet, but it does.

The Monster Humvee drops the girls off at a studio. I never noticed the pink squiggles painted on the Monster Humvee's door. That is revoltingly cutesy. OJ meets them, and tells them they'll be styling themselves in a sleek photo shoot. Model stampede to the clothing racks. They leave a giant mess behind, and the outfits they choose are as bad or worse than the fashion-don't crap they had to wear earlier. They're duly chastised, but are heartened to hear that they'll be working with male models today. The guys come out, and the girls cheer. However, in this shoot, the girls will be made up as guys, and the guys (who are drag queens) will be dressed as the attendant girls. We go straight into a hair and makeup montage. Man, the makeup crew is getting a good workout this season. Renee explains the mayhem in the makeup room, and actually manages to be witty and charming. Our Renee! We hear a couple of the themes. Jaslene has to have the word "nautical" explained to her. One of the guys' dicks is hanging out of his miniskirt and has to be blurred.

OJ introduces Richard, today's photographer, and the shoot starts with Jaslene and her queen as the "Nautical Couple". She slouches. OJ loves how she commanded her photo shoot (read: came up with directorial ideas so that he didn't have to pretend to be competent at his job). Brittany and her queen are the "Outdoorsy Couple", so you know there's a lot of plaid, as well as hillbilly violin music in the background. She does a good job, and the entire room cracks up at how stern she looks as a guy. Renee is part of a "Glam Rock Couple". OJ suggests clenching her jaw. She actually does look kind of Bowie-ish, and does a good job. Jael is part of a "Bohemian Couple". She looks like Sonny Bono, and spews some hippie crap about her soul. Dionne and her queen are the "Power Couple", and both sneer at the camera convincingly. Dionne strokes her chin. OJ doesn't approve of her poses, which makes me even more worried for her.

Sarah is part of the "Rocker Couple", and wears a jacket which makes her look like she should be standing on the Sergeant Pepper album cover. Her first set of photos suck. Her poses are way too feminine. Due to her undeserved challenge win, she gets to go and review said sucky photos to learn from her mistakes. Rehash of how Dionne should have won. Sarah's second set of shots is much better. OJ thinks they may save her from being eliminated. Whitney is part of a "Collegiate Couple". I didn't realize that when I was in college, I looked like a color-blind homeless man. Seriously, what is she wearing? She's "motivated" from Renee's earlier opinion that plus-size models can't be successful, but is still too controlled, according to OJ. He finds her guarded and awkward. Natasha looks like Kevin Federline, and practices the same kind of douchebaggy poses you see white trash like him do all the time. Dionne knows Natasha is bringing her A-game to this shoot. Natasha even improvises by putting foil on her tooth, like a grille. She's part of the "Hip-Hop Couple", and does ridiculously well, considering she's...her. Everyone is cracking up, and gives her a round of applause when she's done. Sarah thinks Natasha has blossomed in this competition.

Diana is part of the "Red Carpet Couple". She interviews that she didn't think it would be very difficult to pose as a guy. Geez, why not just paint a bull's-eye on your forehead, Diana? She's apparently attending a red carpet event in 1976, because her bow tie is gigantic. She's boring, as she tends to be. OJ points out that the drag queen is easily outshining her. Renee interviews that Diana and Whitney are more pressured to succeed because they're bigger than the other girls (there is always a shot of Jaslene when skinny girls are mentioned), and that the pressure is actually hurting their performance. OJ tells her she looks bored. After her shoot, he asks her why she wants to be America's Next Top Model. "Just cuz," she says, and a red laser dot appears on the bull's-eye on her forehead. OJ gives her a bunch of grief. "Lack of passion" has claimed more contestants on this show than being ugly. Diana cries. Whitney pulls her aside and advises her not to let others see her in such a state, because it's just another obstacle to people seeing girls like them as real models. Diana thinks this could send her home. Good instincts. She cries some more.

Commercials. Not to sound uncaring, but my guess is that 50% of people's allergies are either made up or their own fault ("Look at my new air filter, water filter, and hypoallergenic shampoo! Gee, why do I explode into sneezes every time I take a step outside?").

Evening. The Monster Humvee drops the girls at the model pad, where there is Tyra Mail announcing the upcoming elimination. The girls are pretty much like "Sure, whatever," and head to bed. Whitney is nervous, knowing she didn't do her best today, and hopes to keep coasting on her personality. Diana interviews that she needs to act strong and confident at panel. Oh, I don't know. Tyra loves a crier. We enter the Chamber of Doom on a picture of Tyra as a rather thuggish young man. She's finally abandoned the head scarves for panel, thank the heavens. The girls comes in. Prizes. Judges. The guest judge this week is Cathy, so let's all do our best to stay awake. Dare we hope that the final challenges are not going to make an appearance this entire season? I dare. Let's get to the evaluations!

Dionne. The judges love how she looks this week. Yay! They also love her Power Couple shot, and Nigel tells her it's almost as if she's a new person this week. Phew. I should have known better than to get worried over OJ's criticisms. The man's a complete moron. Jaslene. The music turns odd as she approaches, like we're about to see a jug band performance on Hee Haw. Tyra makes fun of her tacky belt, and she takes it off. Once again, Jaslene pulls a great photograph out of nowhere. Twiggy says she looks like a "fella", and Nigel adds that not only does she look like a guy, she looks like a good-looking guy. Tyra finds it effortless. Whitney. Her shot kinda sucks, and the judges point out the main problem: her huge rack is jutting out. Not that Whitney can help that, but Cathy points out that Whitney also looks uncomfortable in her picture, which is true. Whitney says she was going for a pompous look. Tyra reads the report from OJ, which calls Whitney the worst of the day. Eek. Not that anybody should trust that warthog's advice, but Tyra always seems to. She tells Whitney that she feels like she lucks into a lot of her good shots. Interesting.

Jael. She looks too feminine in her photo. Yup, Jael looks the most feminine of all the drag kings today. Weird! The judges are displeased. Sarah. Tyra describes her challenge "win" again. Shot of Dionne, of course. Cathy thinks Sarah also looks too feminine in her Rocker shot, but the other judges disagree. Sarah and Tyra think the second set of shots helped her capture a much better pose than she would have gotten otherwise. Renee. Her Glam Rock shot is good, and the judges give her lots of praise about her jawline and nose and such. Diana. Twiggy points out that she has a slightly dead expression in her Red Carpet shot. Yep. OJ has also reported on Diana's lack of passion, and there's a sepia-toned flashback for the amnesiacs in the audience. Brittany's Outdoorsy shot gets praised all around. I don't think she's ever been criticized. Natasha's Hip-Hop shot is certainly her best to date. The judges are completely charmed by it, though they point out that Natasha's head is angled for the third week in a row. The girls are dismissed.

Commercials. Green bean casserole? But Thanksgiving isn't for months!

Deliberations. Natasha lights up the room at panel. Jaslene is the most photogenic girl present. Dionne has improved a great deal. Brittany rocks, as always. Twiggy loves Renee's wide shoulders. Heh. Sarah's got potential, but Cathy doesn't think she really nailed the photo shoot. Diana has got the looks, but no oomph. Twiggy still hates Whitney. Nigel brings up her busty shot, which Tyra thankfully defends. Jael is improving, but her shot sucks. Cathy doesn't like her.

Elimination. Natasha is called first. Dionne. Yay! Brittany. Jaslene. Sarah. Renee. Jael. Will Whitney and Diana please step forward? Tyra blahs for a bit about having two such beautiful plus-size girls in the competition. They clutch hands. Diana is strong and beautiful, but has no passion. Whitney's beauty is difficult to capture in a photograph. "So who goes home?" Well, the boring one, of course. Whitney gets her photo. Both girls cry and hug each other. Tyra gives Whitney a gentle admonition to prove she belongs here. Diana hugs Tyra, then has a group hug with the girls. Except Renee, naturally. Back at the model pad, Diana packs. She says she'll miss Whitney, and is glad Whitney gets to stick around to represent for the both of them. Diana's portfolio is... Well, let's just say they made the right choice this week. She's disappointed not to win, but promises we'll see her again. She closes by congratulating the eventual winner, so it's yet another classy exit. Rock on. Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Party! Renee's gray hood is sticking around, I see. Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton will make an appearance. Ick. Jael fights with 50 Cent, falls into a pool, and yells at Renee, so it looks like a busy week for her.

Overall Grade: C