The Girl Who Gets Thrown in the Pool

America's Next Top Model - Season 8, Episode 6

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Renee. Bitch. Rinse and repeat. Sarah's undeserved second chance at the photo shoot may have saved her from elimination, so let's see how she fares when that undeserved second chance is taken away, shall we? There's an apparent correlation between size and ability to dress like a man, as Whitney and Diana fell to the bottom two. Diana got punted, and is now free to down as many bacon double cheeseburgers as she'd like. Eight girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Evening. Jael wonders why they took Diana away, making it sound like she's been sent to the gas chamber. Whitney interviews that Diana's elimination has hit her pretty hard, since they were so close to one another. She promises to beat those "skinny bitches" in honor of the plus-sizers. Shouldn't be hard. I think a stiff wind would snap Jaslene in two. Oh, she means in the competition. Well, that might be more difficult. Some Tyra Mail awaits the girls at the house, which Dionne and Natasha read together. Good idea, we don't want Natasha reading unsupervised. It mentions something about a rose by any other name smelling as sweet. I hope we don't have to watch these girls attempt Shakespeare. That would be physically painful. Jael horses around. Renee interviews that the other girls are driving her insane, giving examples that Jael talks too much (probably true) and that Sarah didn't deserve to win the challenge last week (definitely true). Sarah talks about how much she learned from seeing her first set of shots from the photo shoot. Sepia-toned flashback to OJ telling her how posey she looks. Well, since she learned so much, I guess bad, posey shots are all behind Sarah now!

Morning. The Monster Humvee drops the girls at a "restaurant". A "restaurant" with no tables or chairs or kitchen or waiters or food. So, you know, yum! There's a gigantic pad of white paper set up on an easel, with LESLEY HORNBY written across it in big, black letters. Dionne doesn't know who that is. We quickly find out when Twiggy walks in. Vivaldi's "Spring" plays in the background, because British people must always be introduced with classical music. The girls squeal happily. Twiggy tells the girls that she got her nickname when a friend branded her for having skinny legs. Oooh, harsh. I fear the day when someone gives me a nickname having to do with my rock-hard abs. Twiggy tears the sheet of paper with her real name off to reveal her nickname. Well, that was a good use of about 48 standard-sized sheets' worth of paper. We see old modeling shots of Twiggy. She says that having a unique name had a lot to do with giving her career a kickstart, and introduces another model who goes by a nickname -- Melrose from Season 7. Whee! Now, the thing you have to understand about Melrose is that she was her season's villain. However, she was the least villainous villain in this show's entire history, and a lot of what they tried to make appear hateful in her was actually completely understandable (for example, she offered to cook if other people would do the dishes, and asked girls to stop squealing in the middle of the night so she could get a few hours' sleep before getting up for the photo shoot). Not that she wasn't a bitch sometimes, because she was. But her unfair treatment, coupled with the fact that she busted her ass to do well in the competition, made me want to defend her every time the other girls (or editors) gave her a hard time. Which was every five minutes. So, yay! I'm glad to see her.

The girls clap for her. Renee is wearing yet another scarf-pulled-up-to-form-a-hood, God knows why. Melrose talks about not wanting to use her real name (Melissa Rose), because there's a million Melissas out there, and nobody would remember her. Sepia-toned flashback to her telling the judges this in her casting audition. She brings up other models with unique names, like Tyra and Iman. So, the girls will need to come up with nicknames for themselves, and are passed nametags. Renee interviews that all the nicknames she's ever been given are mean (shocker), but she's not going to go around and introduce herself as Canoe-Feet. Heh. Renee can really be funny when she wants to be.

Let's go around the room and see what the girls can come up with, when challenged to do something besides "dress up in this ridiculous outfit and look pretty for the camera". Whitney has pulled a Melrose, and named herself Whitelle. That is awful. It sounds like a paper plate company. "I was sick of plates that couldn't stand up to the burgers at my picnic, but all that's changed, since I switched to Whitelle!" Sarah takes her middle name, which is Moe. I'd like to hear the story behind that one. Brittany shortens hers to Brit, emphasizing that it's only got one T. Gotcha, Brittany. I'll be sure to spell your lazy, stupid nickname correctly. Jaslene sticks with her own name. Yeah, I'd say that Jaslene is plenty special. Of course, she has to wrap it up in an aura of "Jaslene is just who I am! I could never go by something else!". Jael also sticks with her name, and manages not to be a tiresome idiot about it, so she's already got a leg up on Jaslene. Natasha goes for Nata. Dionne. Oh, Dionne. Her mom was watching Discovery Channel, and stumbled upon a program about a little girl who was married off to an old man. Natasha? No, this was a different little girl, who was named Wholahay, so that's the name she adopts. Ick. Sounds like a drag queen who'd open for Margaret Cho. Melrose interviews that the name Wholahay sounds like a conversation starter. I agree, though the conversation would likely open with "Why on Earth did your parents punish you with that?". Renee has come up with Nayien. Boring.

Twiggy says that now they've got the names down, the girls are going to go to a "smart and sexy party". I wait impatiently for Benny Hill music to strike up in the background, but it never does. Damn. The girls are given key points to remember for the party, which are important enough to be subtitled. 1) Be eloquent. Well, that pretty much dooms Jael. 2) Don't monopolize the conversation. Jael is doubly doomed. 3) Be humorous and witty. Sorry, Natasha. The girls will use their new names at the party, but I'm certainly not going to the trouble of referring to them as such. Twiggy and Melrose wish them luck.

On the way back to the model pad, Renee, from out of nowhere, tells everyone that she's looking forward to having stimulating conversation. I mean, shouldn't she at least be in a fight with someone before breaking out the passive-aggressive snipes? Jael calls her on it, saying that she hasn't had stimulating conversation with the other girls because nobody wants to talk to her. Well, that was an odd little scene. Back at the pad, Tyra Mail awaits. It refers to the party, and warns the girls to beware of the "funky cold Medina". Renee thinks it'll be a transvestite party. If only. That night, the girls walk into the party, where there is a product logo stamped all over everything. Subtle. Renee is still working the scarf hood. The girls begin mingling. Bill Maher is there, so he'd better be prepared for some sharp retorts next time he's having a debate. "How can you defend such high oil prices when companies are reporting record profits?" "I don't know, why don't you ask Wholahay?" Sarah thinks her experience with networking as a photographer will help her out. Uh huh. Tia and Tamera Mowry are at the party, as are two toothpicks with bad wigs on. Wait, sorry. That was Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Jael makes fun of some guy on a show I don't watch. Girls line up to meet 50 Cent, who thinks Renee is pretty.

The party is outside, and Whitney sees a bright, white room through a window with Benny Medina and others sitting in there. Crap. Benny Medina is Tyra's manager, and I'll need to consult a physicist about how Benny, Tyra, and their two egos could possibly fit into a single house, let alone a room. Renee correctly assumes that he must have something to do with a challenge. Some flunky comes outside, and tells Whitney that Benny would like to meet her. She enters the white room, and Benny shakes her hand. He's wearing a striped shirt with a polka dot tie in the mistaken belief that he's fashionable enough to pull it off. He introduces the other people in the room, who are supposed to be important (and actually are in their own little spheres -- like Beverly Johnson, one of the first black supermodels), but who never say a word during this episode, so I don't really see the need to go into detail. Benny asks Whitney what she's going by tonight, and naturally springs immediately into asshole mode when she responds. "You're living in a world with, like, you know, Madonnas and Beverly Johnsons and Beyonces, and... Whitelle?". You're right, Benny. I never fully embraced the unique flavor of the name "Beverly". Dumbass. Whitney is embarrassed.

Out by the pool, Jael and 50 Cent are enjoying some sparkling repartee. Natasha interviews that Jael was annoying him, which may be true, as we see him ask Whitney to take Jael away with her when she leaves. Sarah agrees, interviewing that she loves Jael's personality, but that she was making an ass out of herself, which is unprofessional at a party classy enough to toss a bunch of reality show freaks into the mix and film them. I may have added that last part. Sarah does fairly well in her Benny interview. Brittany tries to explain her shitty-ass weave. Poor Brittany. That thing is so nasty. As Dionne talks to 50 Cent, Jael comes over to give him a hard time some more. Dionne is added to the list of girls who think Jael is doing too much "clowning", and not enough "business". Dionne goes into her Benny interview, and tells the assembly about learning how to dress and act like a model. He asks her what the most difficult thing about the process is, and she says that it's being away from her daughter. Dionne has a kid? Who knew? She begins to tear up a bit, which LabRat thinks is her playing for sympathy. My blind Dionne love argues that she's never brought it up before, like Renee did within the first thirty seconds of meeting her. Also, she tries to put a lid on the crying as quickly as possible, adding a "shake it off!" for good measure. Aw.

And... Guess who's back to bother 50 Cent some more? Jaslene adds herself to the growing list of disapproving girls, saying that there has to be a line of respect with celebrities. I'd say there needs to be a line of respect with everyone, but who am I to get in the way of Jaslene's starfucking? 50 Cent has had enough of Jael, and demonstrates why celebrities are such class acts that are deserving of respect from the peons by fucking pushing Jael into the swimming pool. She almost takes some random woman with her, which is kind of awesome.

Commercials. I promise to test drive a Chevy if it actually causes shirtless guys to swarm around me. As long as I get to pick the guys.

Replay of what just happened. Renee reiterates that Jael was annoying 50 Cent, which I guess is supposed to rationalize pushing her into the pool. I'll have to keep that in mind for the next time someone annoys me. Of course, given that it's Jael, she doesn't mind a bit. Heh. She gets out and tries to grab 50 Cent, but just winds up back in the pool. Natasha doesn't even wait to be pushed, but just jumps in. Dionne interviews that she can't figure why they want to jump in a pool when the girls are there for "business". Renee thinks that people would look at Jael and Natasha and think they couldn't handle a job, because they can't even handle being normal at a party. The flunky comes to collect Jael and Natasha for their interview with Benny. Jael's not intimidated at all as Benny blasts her for getting up in 50 Cent's face. Naturally, Benny has nothing to say on the subject of 50 Cent pushing party guests into the pool. Jaslene manages to get through a conversation with both 50 Cent and Benny with her clothes and ego intact, so a point to her for that. Renee heads in for her Benny interview, in which he pretends to be confused by her nickname, which when pronounced, sounds like "name". Renee laughingly admits in interview that she made a bad choice. I'm thinking the girls aren't taking this nickname thing half as seriously as they'd like us to believe. And good for them for that.

Sarah and Renee chat with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Nicole asks Renee if she likes modeling. She says she does, but doesn't like the other girls. Nicole smells gossip, and asks who the biggest bitch is. Instead of truthfully answering "Well, that'd have to be me," Renee picks out Jael. Later, in the bathroom, Nicole tells Jael that she forgot who she was talking to, but one of the other girls hates her. Nice. Don't you wish you could just rush right out and start respecting celebrities? If not, you deserve to get pushed into a pool with your clothes on. Jael has no difficulty identifying the culprit, and interviews that Renee may be a bit jealous of her. Party's over, and the Monster Humvee takes the girls back to the model pad, where some Tyra Mail hints at the upcoming photo shoot by telling the girls their roommates may be two-faced, but they're all going to be four-faced.

Jael reports to the other girls what Nicole Richie said, and Renee says that she never said she hated Jael, just that Nicole asked who the crazy one in the house was. Oh, well that's much nicer. And a complete lie. As Renee walks off, Jael tells her to "get out of my face, bitch". "I'm not in your face, bitch," Renee snaps. Jael calls her jealous, and tells her that she's really beautiful, so it's such a fucking waste. Oooh, that's actually a good one against Renee. Whitney gets a delighted face and jumps up and down with glee. Hahaha! She interviews that Jael will always prevail in this type of situation. Renee walks by Jael, and Jael tells her to walk somewhere else. Renee says she's not going to walk on eggshells (learn what that expression means, Renee), and tells Jael that she's not a mean person. HAHAHAHA! Good one, Renee. Jael retorts that Renee has been disrespectful to every single person in the house. Unfortunately, the one time a sepia-toned flashback would have made the moment, they leave it out. The episode's grade is going down a half letter just for that. Renee says that the girls have also disrespected her. "With good reason," Jael sniffs. Renee asks the room at large if that's true, and if nobody likes her. Nobody answers. Jael tells her that she (Jael) puts others before herself, but that Renee never will. Jael interviews that she stood up for herself and the other girls. Renee looks pissed, and yet extremely pretty in this final shot before commercials. Seriously, screencap that and put it into her portfolio.

Commercials. I have no trouble believing that birds constantly plot against humans.

Morning. Jael interviews that if Renee wants to act like a bitch, that's fine, but then she can't expect the other girls to be friendly with her. Jael's nutty, but she really comes up with some gems. I wonder if this means she's going to take down the friendship drawing. On the way to the photo shoot, the Monster Humvee drives the girls into a wormhole, which explains why there's a sunset shot of a Ferris wheel before it comes back out the other side and it's early again. Now Brittany's working the head scarf thing. In her case, it's entirely justified. OJ introduces today's photo shoot by showing a composite shot of twelve pictures of Tyra, each one displaying a different mood. She's like the Dodecahedron! The girls will direct their own hair and makeup today, then take four different photos for a similar composite shot. Jael interviews that the judges should be afraid, since they've given her so much freedom. Hehe.

OJ introduces today's photographer (Kareem), then backtracks to the party challenge. Yeah, we still don't know who won that. The winner will receive a photo shoot for a Keds ad that will run in Seventeen. And that winner is... Dionne! Yaaaaaaaay! She's extremely happy, and gets to pick two other girls to be in the ad with her. She chooses Whitney and Jaslene. The girls are given paper and pens to come up with the four sides of their personalities they'll be portraying today. You're making them think twice in one week? That's cruel. Jael is going to be shooting for some difficult moods, because "easy is boring". Renee thinks she'll do fine. Sarah desperately wants to do well. Sutan is still awful. Dionne says she didn't give OJ enough of a bad girl vibe the last time he asked for one, so she's going to try again. Her makeup looks good, and she's up with "sensitive" first, then "evil". OJ interviews that she's afraid to go to the extreme, which is what modeling is all about. Her third mood is "friendly", and the fourth? "Hood". Hehehe. Jaslene's first mood is "drag queen", so she just jumped about 100,000 points in my book. Then it's "cha cha diva", "modelesque" (whatever the hell that means), and "sentimental". OJ thinks her four moods weren't very diverse.

Natasha is "sexy". OJ tells her she may as well have been smelling dog poo in one of her shots. It's hard-hitting critiques like those that keep him around as the photo shoot director. Twat. Natasha does "surprised" much better, and OJ gives himself the credit, for being such a brilliant director. Double twat. Renee and Jael trash talk each other to their makeup artists. Whitney is nervous, because she did so poorly at the photo shoot last week. Now there's a sepia-toned flashback. Too late to raise that grade now, sucka! Whitney's first mood is "seductress". She does the eyebrow pop that she excels at for both that and "thinker". She also does "peaceful" and OJ criticizes her putting her hands up around her face too much. In interview, of course. He doesn't tell Whitney this, because that would actually be helpful. Her last mood is "comedian". She says she did the best she could, and if she gets eliminated, she knows she did so while doing a good job. That's a bit oxymoronic.

LabRat: "She looks drunk."

Jael has directed her makeup artist to put white powder all over her face. Is she going for the kabuki look? The makeup artist asks her if Renee's problem is with all the other girls. "Yeah, but they know I'll protect them from the evil ducks of the universe." Hah! This is why we need to keep Jael around until about the final four or so. She's ready for the photo shoot, and her first mood is "sexy beast". I like the spiky hair she's got going. Then it's "anarchist", which I misread at first as "Anti-Christ". Then "dominator" and "revolutionary peacemaker". OJ hates her "dragged-out" makeup. He's one to talk. He loves her performance, though, and compares her to Grace Jones. There's an awesome shot of Grace Jones in, yes, dragged-out makeup. Can OJ string two sentences together without sounding like a moronic douchebag? I doubt it. Sarah reminds herself not to pose too much. Her first mood is "innocent", and she's already posing too much, which OJ points out. She moves on to "anger", and...posing. It's hard to describe what posing too much is, when the girls are, in fact, posing. It's just that she doesn't look angry. She looks like she's trying to look angry. She moves on to "regret", and...posing. Brittany and her disgusting weave are up. She tells her hair stylist that her hair has been possessed by an evil spirit. That would explain it. Her first mood is "innocent", like Sarah's. Then she moves on to "spacey", "goofy", and "devilish". OJ doesn't think Brittany is doing as well this week as in past ones, pegging it on her getting cocky.

Renee interviews that the other girls need to watch who they make feel like an outcast, because they don't know who they're messing with. Hmm, I guess it hasn't occurred to Renee that if she hadn't been a bitch from the word "go", she wouldn't be an outcast. Renee's first mood is "dark side". What a reach. Then it's on to "sexy", which OJ says looked the same as the "dark side". Shocker. Then it's "sorrow". OJ interviews that Renee needs to "take it to the next level", which I despise, and which I've already pointed out is one of those meaningless phrases that the judges unpack when they can't think of a real critique. Dionne, Whitney, and Jaslene head out for their reward photo shoot. Dionne is happy some more. She's cute. The photo shoot is cute. The shoes are cute. Dionne says that the posing advice Benny Ninja gave them actually paid off.

Evening. The girls gather in a room of the model pad, and Tyra comes in, looking for all the world like a Gypsy fortune-teller. Oh, no. Girls in one room? Tyra coming in with a gentle smile? She's about to Oprah all over the place, isn't she? She says she'd like to talk about "revelations". Her eyelashes are actively trying to escape from her face. Up first is Brittany, who's in no mood to talk about emotional baggage, because her weave sucks so very much. She points out that it is pulling out her actual hair, and there are bright red marks on her scalp. Ouch. Tyra says they'll do something about that, and apologizes for having them put a cheap weave in her head. Progress! So a cheap weave and giving chump change to charity. This has got to be one of the most profitable shows on the CW. Loosen the purse strings, Tyra. Dionne's revelation is about it being difficult to be away from her child. She puts a lid on the tears again. LabRat rolls his eyes. Jael thinks the competition is helping her deal with life experience, like the death of her friend. LabRat rolls his eyes some more. I should have warned him about the Tyra-as-Oprah segments.

Renee begins crying as she tells Tyra that she feels like she's really misunderstood. Dionne cracks a wide "what-the-fuck-ever, bitch" smile. Renee continues that she's got a lot riding on her shoulders, what with the husband who lives on the beach and a son who lives with his mom. And as I've said before, I feel for her financial circumstances, and as I've said before, get a job. She says she's not there to make friends (tally mark!), but to win the competition. Here's where I wish Tyra had asked what about being a nice person precludes someone from winning a modeling competition, but she just asks the other girls if Renee has been rubbing them the wrong way. The general consensus is "Yep, we hate her." Renee says that they're all treating her like a bad person, and that she's not. Not that you have to live your life according to what other people think, and sure, not everyone you come across is going to like you, but when all seven of your roommates agree that you're a bitch? You need to stop and evaluate yourself. Tyra makes Renee comes sit next to her, then asks the other girls to tell Renee how she's hurt them. Ooooouuuuuch. Dionne says she's been negative to everyone so many times. Natasha says that Renee said bad things about her. Jaslene thinks Renee has issues inside that she has to deal with. Whitney agrees. Sarah tells her she talks down to people. Jael says that Renee would say something to Whitney or Sarah that she'd never say to Jael. I don't know what that means. Tyra gives Renee the chance to respond. Renee apologizes for anything she said to hurt or offend the others, and that it's a defense mechanism. She repeats her apology, and it appears to be genuine, though that doesn't say anything for how long it'll last. Tyra essentially praises herself for getting this reaction out of Renee. Hugs! God, I hate these segments.

Commercials. There are new episodes of 7th Heaven? That show is still on the air? How is that possible?

Tyra Mail! Upcoming elimination. Whitney is nervous. Sarah calls her mom, who tells her not to worry. Sarah says she'll be in the bottom two for sure this week. Her mom points out that it was just one bad shoot. Sarah duhs that a girl can go home for one bad shoot. Yep. Just ask Felicia. Night falls, and we enter the Chamber of Doom on another composite shot of Tyra ("entrepreneur", "empathetic", "supermodel", and "silly"). It's pretty, but "entrepreneur"? Whatever. The girls come in. Prizes. Judges. The guest judge is Benny. Crap. Up first for evaluation is Jael. Nigel likes that she had the confidence to keep her name as her nickname. Her composite shot looks good, and Nigel tells her that it's the best she's done so far. Twiggy points out that all four of her moods are strong, tough looks, and she hasn't seen a gentle side to Jael yet. Tyra tells her she had lots of good shots, and that she did really well this week. Renee. Her first choice for nickname is discarded in favor of "NeNe", which is even worse. Her composite shot isn't bad. The fourth mood we never saw before was "motherly", which looks quite nice. I don't like her "sorrow" shot, though. It just looks like she's got a headache. The judges think she did fairly well, but not great.

Natasha. Her "happy" looks good. "Surprised" is so-so. "Sad" and "sexy" are both crap. The judges disagree with me. Brittany. All four of her composite shots look good, and the judges like them, so suck it, OJ. Whitney. Everyone hates the Whitelle nickname, saying it sounds like a department store. Her composite shot is typical Whitney. That is to say, not very good, and I wish it were better, because I like her. The judges don't like it either. Nigel thinks the poses are melodramatic, and Tyra says she can look harsh. Ouch. Jaslene. Her composite shot is pretty, but Nigel points out that all four of her moods look exactly the same. Miss J thinks she looks like Janice Dickinson. Thanks for that contribution. I can see why they keep you on the panel. Sarah. Four moods. Four very contrived shots that Nigel says don't look natural. He's right. Benny finds her "happy" shot corny. This from the man who's working yet another striped shirt and polka dot tie. He's so corny, you can buy him at the movie theater. Ew, that was the corniest thing I've ever said. The corn is contagious! Dionne. The judges don't like the "Wholahay" nickname, and Tyra suggests changing it to "Brown". Subtle. Hi, my name is Caucasian. Nice to meet you. I like her composite shot (especially "evil"), but her "sensitive" shot, much like Renee's "sorrow", makes it look like she needs two aspirin and three hours in a quiet room with a cold compress on her forehead. Dionne's report from OJ has another "take it to the next level". Someone please shut that asshole up. The girls are dismissed.

Commercials. Lady, if your kid needs that many cupcakes by tomorrow, just go to the damn grocery store.

Deliberations. Natasha is steadily improving, as is Jael. Renee's photos are too withdrawn. Brittany did a good job, and another pledge is made to do something about the Weave That Destroyed Tokyo. Twiggy still hates Whitney. Tyra thinks she embodies more of a total package, like having a good personality and being a good speaker, but Benny points out that she lacks the basic element of modeling well. Jaslene is flat today. Sarah is a poser. Or a poseur. Everyone loves Dionne this week. Yay! Suck it again, OJ. Eliminations. Jael is safe. Natasha. Dionne. The Weave That Destroyed Tokyo threatens to consume Brittany's head. She's safe, anyway. Renee. Jaslene. Will Whitney and Sarah please step forward? Sarah is too guarded and posed. Whitney's photos are pretty, but not modelesque. And as with last week, two poor photos. One girl has a personality, one is dull. So Whitney is given her photo, and told she's got "one more chance". She hugs the crying Sarah, and joins the other girls. Tyra gives Sarah a hug, and tells her she just needs to relax and "trust her beauty". Sarah gives the girls a group hug. Her makeup is running something fierce. In her final interview, she says she's disappointed, and that she really wanted this. She did learn that it's "OK to be herself", so...yay? Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Hello? Anything? Well, there is a new episode next week, but there's no preview. Let's see if I can guess. The girls take part in challenges and a photo shoot. There's some drama stemming from clashing personalities. Someone is sent home.

Overall Grade: C