The Girl Who Changes Her Attitude

America's Next Top Model - Season 8, Episode 4

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Jael received tragic news of a friend's death. But enough of all that heavy stuff! The girls had to bare all at the photo shoot. Dionne felt more comfortable naked, and pretty much could not have been more adorable. I may have inserted the second part of that sentence. Cassandra, who would probably make an excellent drinking buddy, but a less-than-stellar model, was shuffled back home. Ten girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. You know, I kinda miss Kathleen.

Evening at the model pad. Diana and Whitney do their toes as they bond over being shredded at last week's panel. Diana never wants to be in the bottom two again. I get the feeling she's going to be disappointed in the near future. Whitney is upset that Tyra told her that the judges felt she was pretty, but doesn't look like a model. She interviews that she left a very good school (Dartmouth) to come compete, and that since she's not on financial aid, she's now $9,000 in debt to her father. My gut tells me she wasn't a business major. She vows to be more model-y.

Tyra Mail! It talks about striking poses. Felicia looks bored. She goes to teach Jael a little dance, to help take her mind off her worries. Aw, that's sweet. Jael marble-mouths something about feeling fortunate to have the friends she does in the model pad. Naturally, talk of friends and goodwill must bring us to Renee, in order to provide a nice, stark contrast. She's sitting off by herself, and interviews that the girls in the house "don't understand" her, and are going out of their way to be offended by her. Oh, I get the feeling they understand you perfectly, cupcake. She doesn't understand why none of the girls in the house like her. I guess the fact that she's a rancid bitch hasn't occurred to her yet.

Morning. Renee has a confessional interview in which she admits to fighting with a lot of the girls. There's a helpful sepia-toned flashback for the forgetful of Renee bitching at Brittany, Sarah, etc. Renee is smart enough to realize that the Bitch never wins the competition, so she resolves to turn over a new leaf. Her first act as Sweet Renee is to present Jael with a gift. Before she even hands it over, she warns Jael not to take it as offensive, which should really never need to be said. "Happy Birthday! Here's your gift. Don't be insulted by it." It turns out to be a sketch of Jael in a straitjacket, but it's not tied, so it must be OK. Classy. Luckily, Jael is kinda cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs anyway, so she likes it. She gives Renee a hug, jokes that the straitjacket really should be tied (heh), and proudly displays it on the bathroom shelf behind her. The sketch itself isn't bad. It looks almost like an anime drawing. I wish I had a molecule of artistic talent, but it is not to be.

Later. A "cop" acting fruitier than Carmen Miranda's hat waves his arms around. The Monster Humvee pulls over to the side of the road, and of course Natasha thinks she's about to go to the slammer or something. I feel like we should hear wind whistling through a tunnel whenever Natasha's on-screen. Renee is also wondering what's going on, but appears to know something's up. I give Renee a lot of grief, and will continue to do so, because she is, after all, the Bitch. However, I do have to say I like her better than a lot of her counterparts in other seasons. Jayla was moronic and tiresome, Keenyah was moronic and self-entitled, and Monique was just plain moronic. Renee may have an appalling lack of self-awareness, but she actually appears to have three brain cells to rub together, which is refreshing. Plus, it's easier to tolerate the Bitch hanging around when she's actually pretty, so her continued non-elimination makes some sense. Look at me getting all mushy. Anyway, the fruity cop introduces himself as Benny Ninja, the girls' posing coach for the day. After some boring blather about the birth of vogueing, he sets up a few "battles" between the girls.

Sarah vs. Felicia in "face poses". Pose, pose, pose. Benny calls Felicia a natural, and declares her the winner. She's proud of herself, though she shares a hug with Sarah afterwards. If only all battles ended the same way. Renee vs. Diana in "shoe poses". We never hear the outcome of that one, though Renee is obviously better. Brittany vs. Natasha in "handbag poses". Again, we don't hear the outcome, but since Brittany has done consistently well so far, and Natasha has consistently looked like a mental patient, I'm sure you can guess how it turned out. Dionne vs. Jaslene in "on the floor poses". Dionne can't believe that a rookie like her can do such elaborate posing. Girl, I love you, but you're writhing around on the grass. Some perspective, please. Benny thinks they're both fabulous. Whitney vs. Jael in "facial expressions". Benny interviews that Whitney was wonderful. Something about Benny's face disturbs me, like he should be cast as the Grinch's evil elf henchman. Whitney and Jael almost wind up making out as their "facial expressions" get closer and closer. The girls have all sorts of fun, and Renee interviews that she learned a lot from Benny. Hugs all around!

Evening. Tyra Mail! It mentions looking good while committing a crime. Is "crime" referring to Brittany's weave? This is a profitable show. How about getting some fake hair that doesn't look like it's about to sit up and bark? Whitney and Felicia practice "fierce" faces in the mirror. Whitney interviews that Felicia has really grown on her. I guess that started when they bonded over their disdain of Jaslene. Whitney looks at Felicia like a little sister, and predicts that she'll do well in the competition. Way to tempt Fate, Whitney. Why not just pack Felicia's bags for her? They wander off to look at pictures of Tyra. Meanwhile, Sweet Renee is out on the lanai, braiding Brittany's awful weave. Brittany interviews that Renee can be a lot of fun, but is rightly suspicious, knowing that the Bitch lurks just underneath the surface. Renee wraps Brittany's hair up in a red scarf, and it actually winds up looking quite fetching. Diana interviews that Renee is just being manipulative, and that she looks for a girl that she can control. Well, you'd know, wouldn't you, Diana?

Commercials. I admit that my formal clothes have to do duty for all sorts of occasions, from weddings to funerals to job interviews. But one thing I can confidently say that I do not need my suit for is a nice game of volleyball.

Morning. The girls go about getting ready, when suddenly, Jael informs us that she has burned her face with a curling iron. And how. There's a gigantic burn slash across her cheek. I'm going to have to start calling her Job if these disasters keep befalling her. Also, why does she even need a curling iron? At this point, she's got almost less hair than I do. Later, the Monster Humvee drops the girls at a building that looks like an abandoned bank. There's a vault door at the back, and Benny slithers out of it, looking as creepy as ever. The girls squeal. It's challenge time! The winner will receive a diamond bracelet worth $40,000. To hell with those crappy Seventeen spreads; THIS is a reward. You can tell the girls are actually stunned (as opposed to "I'd better act stunned for Tyra"), because they forget to squeal. Benny tells the girls that they'll be testing their agility and posing by working their way through a maze of lasers, like a jewel thief. It's disappointing that he told them this beforehand. It would have had more impact if he'd just sprung the challenge on them. The girls go off to get changed into leotards and ballet slippers. Renee interviews that she has got to win this challenge. The money from the bracelet could be used to pay off some debts, and as "a fresh start for my family and I [sic]". I'm going to keep on [sic]-ing until the glorious day that people learn to use the word "me".

The girls come back to the vault room, and the lasers are activated. They look super-cool. It's about time people went to green lasers. Red lasers are soooooooo 1985. Benny slinks his way through a few, then explains the rules of the challenge. Each girl will have two minutes to make it through the lasers. If they touch one, a buzzer will sound, and they have to go back to the beginning and try again. The girls will also have to pose their way through, so it's not all about hustle. Each girl who successfully makes it through gets a key, and one of the keys will open the box with the bracelet inside. That makes it sound like the bracelet will be won randomly, but I can say in hindsight that that's not so. Benny selects the winner, and ensures that that girl's key is the correct one. Dionne's up first, which she's hilariously flummoxed about. Ready? Go! Dionne immediately does the splits under the first laser, and Benny's jaw drops. Yeah! Woo! Hooray for Dionne! Unfortunately, her foofy new hair hits the laser, and Benny presses the buzzer. Ah, so it's not an automatic buzzer. He has to catch them in the act. Two more of Dionne's attempts are buzzed before she realizes that she just needs to get through this fucker. She makes it with just a few seconds to spare.

Next up is Brittany. She has to be reminded to pose, and strikes one or two before making it through and taking a key. Whitney. I'm nervous that this won't be as easy for girls that aren't toothpick skinny, but I can luckily put that fear to rest, because Whitney blows Benny's mind. She hardly glances at the lasers, keeping eye contact with Benny the whole time, and calmly makes her way through, easily striking several poses. Jaslene awkwardly makes her way through.

LabRat: "She touched a laser."

Rewind! Yup, she sure did. And she didn't get buzzed for it. That's kind of bullshit. Felicia easily dances her way through. She's proud of herself again, so between this, "winning" her posing battle, and "teaching" Whitney fierce facial expression, I guess we're being asked to believe that Felicia is cocky, which is also kind of bullshit. Natasha makes it through. She still looks like a mental patient. Where's the drawing of her in a straitjacket? Sarah makes it through. Diana makes it through. Jael makes it through. That just leaves Sweet Renee. She starts slinking her way through, and Benny tells her she's making great use of body movement. She's attempting much more difficult poses than the other girls, which naturally leads to her hitting a laser. BZZT! Rinse and repeat. BZZT! Benny begins actively taunting her, dangling the possibility of winning the bracelet in front of her face. I guess the producers had to do something to ensure that Renee was the only girl to not make it through, because he certainly didn't attempt to distract anyone else. It works, and she's the only girl to not get a key. She cries, saying she could have used the money to get her family out of debt and find a proper home, and she feels like she failed them. Aw. I know we're supposed to be reveling in the Bitch being denied a prize, but I find it hard to be gleeful over a woman who's sad she blew a chance to improve her family's finances. Not that it'll stop me from pointing out that if Renee is really desperate for some money, perhaps she could set aside going on a reality program in favor of, you know, a JOB.

The girls gather to hear the winner, and Benny makes sure to rub Renee's loss in her face. Now, to the winner. "Ladies, open your box." Hehehehe. And the winner is... Whitney! Good for her. She interviews that she knows she owes her father money, but she'll probably keep the bracelet for sentimental reasons. Yeah, about forty-thousand sentimental reasons, I'd wager. Back at the model pad, Tyra Mail awaits. "Don't kill yourself with over-thinking the competition, but kill me with your drop-dead gorgeous looks". None of the girls know what to make of that. That burn on Jael's face looks seriously painful. Sweet Renee's spirits are down, and she goes to call her husband, while the rest of the girls cackle over their day. After greeting her husband, the first thing Renee asks is if he wants to come pick her up. My, that was a fast slide from "I'm going to dominate this competition! You're all going down!" to "This is hard! I quit!" She talks about the other "stupid" girls, while said girls are starting to carp that it's someone else's turn on the phone. Felicia goes to talk to her, and Natasha, possibly noticing that Renee's crying, warns Felicia with "She misses her baby." That was the first wise thing I've heard Natasha say. So instead of barging in all "Hang up, bitch!", Felicia now pokes her head in and asks Sweet Renee if she's all right. But Sweet Renee is no longer with us. She packed up and left town when she didn't win that bracelet, so we're left with good ol' Bitchy Renee, who responds to Felicia's concern by telling her to go away, and dismissing her with a hand wave. Felicia, who probably would have let the whole thing go if Renee hadn't done that, tells her that a couple people are waiting for the phone, and leaves. Renee tells her husband that she wants to beat these other girls down. Yeah, how dare they ask how she's doing? What bitches! Felicia goes back to report on what Renee said, so even with that brief foray into kindness, it looks like Renee won't be taking home that Miss Congeniality crown after all.

Commercials. Apparently, women do nothing all day but hang out in their underwear, primping in the mirror. No wonder we run the world. I'm kidding! Don't hurt me!

Morning. The Monster Humvee drops the girls off a hotel, and they meet OJ on the rooftop for no particular reason. Sarah looks cute in glasses. OJ tells the girls that they need to be able to bring life to a "dead" pose, which is his awkward way of introducing this week's photo shoot. The girls will be portraying crime scene victims. That's...weird. Yes, they'll each be dead in their shot, and the "story" is that each one of them has killed one of the others. Renee looks quite happy about that little twist. I hope she realizes that she doesn't actually get to kill anyone. Felicia wonders how to show life when acting dead. She correctly uses the word "oxymoron", which doesn't sound that impressive, but on this show, puts her on par with Stephen freaking Hawking. OJ introduces Mike Rosenthal, who will be today's photographer, then sends the girls down to hair and makeup. Let the icky prosthetics begin! OJ makes fun of Jael's burn.

Renee is up first for the photo shoot. She's been "poisoned", and poses as if she's fallen forward on a table. She does a very good job at remaining connected with the camera while being hunched over. OJ heaps on the praise, which raises her spirits considerably. She interviews that she's not going to tell the others what OJ said, because they already hate her enough. Yes, but they hate you for your personality; not because they're so jealous of your modeling prowess. Whatever. Anyway, OJ spills the beans for her, telling Jaslene that Renee is coming after her. Anything to stir up drama, I guess. OJ tells Renee what he's said, and she's not thrilled. He asks what happened. "I'm a bitch," she says simply. Jaslene has been "pushed off a rooftop". I like what she's doing with her legs. Even Renee compliments her (in interview), pegging her as the stiffest competition, which I never would have guessed during the casting special. Jaslene interviews something unimportant, and I only bring it up because I'm just now noticing the handprints that have been painted onto her chest. Hahahaha! I was reading a criticism of this episode somewhere, in which the author was offended that this was "glamorizing violence against women". I mean...handprints! On her chest! This could not be less serious. Some people are never happy unless they've got something to be offended by. Curiously, no mention was ever made of the earlier challenge "glamorizing" felony theft.

Anyway, Brittany is up next, and has to get into a bathtub that looks less than hygienic. She notices that she can't strike a very good angle for the camera, and suggests spilling her body out onto the floor. OJ agrees, and she does a great job of being "electrocuted", although her legs are spread just a teeeeeny bit too far apart, if you get what I'm saying. OJ pours some water on her for the last few shots, so now she's wet and laying on a scuzzy bathroom floor. She's a trouper until she's finished, at which point she begs for a towel. I'd beg for a cake of lye soap. OJ suggests a tetanus shot. Probably not a bad idea. Dionne is enraptured over the disgusting makeup jobs that some of the models have. Yeah, those oozing wounds aren't bad. I've decided I like this photo shoot. It's morbid, but entertaining, and it actually challenges the girls to achieve something besides "look pretty for the camera". Speaking of disgusting makeup, Diana is up next, and Whitney has "stolen her vital organs". Hehehe. It looks exactly like it sounds. She slumps in the hallway, and OJ seems to think she does a good job. I can't really tell. OJ warns Sarah not to overthink her pose, as she is wont to do. She's been "pushed down the stairs". I find her poses a bit dull.

Jael has been "strangled". Now, this is a case in which I'm not thrilled with someone having to portray violent death. She can't concentrate on her poses, and OJ asks her what she's thinking about. Note that he does this after she's used up all her frames, and can't do a damn thing to improve, because if there's one thing about OJ, he's sure consistent in his complete failure to be helpful in any way, shape, or form. She tells him about her friend's death, which I feel he must know about by now, but he acts like this is the first he's heard of it, so who knows? He tells her that she shouldn't let her emotions overwhelm her. Yeah, how could she be overemotional just because her friend died, and she's acting like a dead body? Now and forever...SHUT UP, OJ. Felicia has been "decapitated", but I note with some comfort that her head is still attached to her body. She lies backward over a stairway platform, and stares dead-eyed at the camera. She's the first girl to actually look like a corpse. Whitney lays back on a couch, having been "stabbed". Still burned from the last panel, she gives a ton of fierce poses, and looks great. OJ pours water all over Natasha, and she shivers as she takes her mark. She's been "drowned", and looks quite dead, splayed backwards on a plastic sheet. OJ is impressed. Dionne has been "shot in the head", and I never thought I'd say someone shot through the head looks beautiful, but she does.

LabRat: "I think these crime scenes should make sense, forensically."

Hehehe. Mike gives her a lot of good posing advice, while OJ (who I'll remind you is the director), stands by ineffectually. This twit could not be less qualified for his job. We get a rare photographer interview, as Mike says that Dionne didn't take much initiative in her posing. OJ thinks the judges are going to have a hard time tonight, because all of the girls really delivered on this shoot. See, all it takes for them to be good models is to be dead! Back at the model pad, Tyra Mail warns of an upcoming elimination. Felicia interviews that she's pretty positive she got a good shot. Fate simply cannot be tempted any further, and lines up her shot. Jael is worried, knowing she didn't do her best on this photo shoot, and already anxious about being eliminated.

Commercials. Don't worry, coworkers. I will never ask for part of your lunch if you get it from KFC. Except maybe the biscuit.

We enter the Chamber of Doom on a somewhat charming picture of Tyra as a Sherlock Holmes-ish detective, complete with magnifying glass. It would have been better if she had a facial expression that were more "I'm hunting down clues" than "Pretty pretty Tyra -- that's me!". She's wearing yet another fugly headband at panel. Is she trying to hide a lobotomy scar? Prizes and judges. Tyra points out the four ruffles on Miss J's outfit, to represent the four girls that have been eliminated. Except only three girls have been eliminated, so...whaaaaaaa? Mike is the guest judge this week. No final challenge (hooray!), so we go straight into evaluations, starting with Renee. Her story is that she told Felicia that she doesn't look a thing like Tyra (and I wish they'd quit with that comparison already, because Felicia made it once, in passing, a million years ago), and so Felicia poisoned her. The judges love her shot, and have no negative things to say about her this week. I have to agree that this is her best shot to date. Dionne. They again harp on how she looks at panel, saying they don't like her tank top and that her bangs are "too perfect". Her story is that Sarah shot her in the head. So there you go. Her shot is great, and the judges start with praise. Tyra says it's beautiful, and Miss J likes her angled leg. However, Tyra reads OJ's report, saying he had to pose her a lot (which isn't true -- Mike was the one that posed her), and Nigel says that if you took away the nice pose and the good lighting, it wouldn't be a great shot. Er... That's a bit like saying the cake only turned out well because the chef followed someone else's recipe. So the fuck what? They still got a good cake out of it.

Natasha. Her drowning shot is her best to date, and Tyra says it's because she doesn't squint as much when she's upside-down. Heh, the things I hear on this show. Mike gives her props for having a good attitude about being wet and outdoors in cold weather. Dude, she's from Russia. Everyone likes Diana's stolen-organ shot. I will say that her makeup certainly looks the nastiest of all the models. Tyra knows Jael must have had a hard time with this shoot. Her story is that Whitney is always taking pictures with no neck, so she tried to steal Jael's. Hey, didn't Whitney also take Diana's organs? Double homicide! All that drama about Jael earlier comes to nothing, because the judges like her strangulation shot. I think it's so-so, but as far as I'm concerned, Jael gets a free pass this week.

Jaslene's story is that Renee pushed her off the building. Renee's face: "If only." Once again, Jaslene has taken a great shot, and I have no idea where it came from. The judges like Sarah's death-by-staircase shot much more than I do. I don't know, I thought she did fine last week, but her shots generally just bore me to tears. Brittany's electrocution shot shows off her legs nicely, and she makes sure to let Tyra know that hanging out of the tub was her idea. Tyra is pleased. Felicia. Nigel tells her that all the other girls managed to show some spark in their pictures, but that Felicia just looks dead. It's true. Tyra asks her why she got so stuck, given that variation was one of Felicia's strengths in previous weeks. Felicia says that she doesn't know, because she was expecting her shot to turn out better than this. Whitney happily shows off her bracelet. Her story is that the other girls stabbed her to see if her boobs were real. Ew. Her stabbing shot is great. Twiggy tells her it's the first week that she actually looks like a model. Nigel says that she doesn't look dead in her shot, and I really can't tell if he means that as a compliment or a criticism. The girls are dismissed.

Commercials. Should they be suggesting you're allowed to use your mp3-playing cell phone in an airplane? Because I'm pretty sure you're not.

Deliberations. Natasha has upped her game. Dionne lacks presence. Shut up! Tyra likes her, so whew. She'll stick around for a while, because what Tyra says, goes. Twiggy and Nigel are disturbed by Diana's smile. Hahaha! Jael has a lot of baggage. Felicia's cockiness led to a bad shot. I don't see that at all, but whatever helps the judges sleep at night. Brittany is great, as always. Whitney came up with a great picture, though Twiggy still seems to have some nebulous grudge against her. Sarah isn't "typically pretty", but translates well to film. Jaslene takes great photos. Everything was working for Renee today. Hey, that rhymes! I'm a poet, and was not cognizant of the fact!

Elimination. Renee is safe. She gives Tyra a wide smile. Natasha is safe. Brittany. Whitney. Jaslene. Jael. Diana. Whitney does the Head Bob of Happiness. Sarah is safe. Will Felicia and Dionne please step forward? Crap, I like both of these girls. They clutch hands. Dionne needs to dress better at panel. That's seriously the worst thing they can come up with. Felicia had the weakest photo of the week. And that's enough, so Dionne gets her photo. Whew. She hugs Felicia. Tyra tells Felicia that she's beautiful, and just needs more development. It's nice that she sends her off saying that she has a lot of potential. Felicia is just happy that the other girls think enough of her to cry at her elimination. Heh. She's sad, because she expected to go farther, but says that she'll deal with it. We haven't had a single embittered eliminated contestant yet, and that is so cool. Her portfolio, excepting this last weak shot, is wonderful, so I'm hopeful that she'll land on her feet. She leaves a giant Felicia Mail behind. Aw. Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Natasha's marriage is creepy. Whitney is doing well in the competition, so she's naturally Renee's next target.

Overall Grade: B