The Girl Who Impresses Pedro

America's Next Top Model - Season 8, Episode 7

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Jael pissed off 50 Cent and Benny Medina, but since those guys are kind of assholes, nobody cared that much. Renee's head scarf couldn't protect her from the criticism of the entire household, and she tearfully apologized for being such a bitch. There was no undeserved challenge win to save Sarah this time, and she got booted back home. Seven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. I'm liking this final seven. Now that the dull girls are gone, we just need to get rid of Natasha, and we'll be free of the fugs, too.

On the way back to the model pad, Whitney tells the others that she was surprised to be in the bottom two. Sepia-toned flashback. She promises to go into the challenges this week "full-throttle", and I feel like we're on a Mobius strip with this girl. Back at the pad, Renee listens to a message from her husband and kid. She's depressed for being so hated, and is moderately cheered by the support of her family. She promises to be a more sensitive person. There's another Mobius strip! We've fallen into the Escher season of America's Next Top Model. Jaslene interviews that Renee's attitude has really changed since Tyra subjected her to the Accusing Circle. Sepia-toned flashback. They play Dionne's complaint out of sequence to make it sound like she was yelling at Renee after the apology, which makes her sound snide. Not fair. That's all just setup for the fact that Dionne still doesn't trust Renee's change of heart. Jael discovers an apology note from Renee on her bed, and interviews that Renee can really turn on or off the "sensitive" side, but that doesn't mean the apology wasn't genuine. The note joins the Felicia Mail on the wall. I'm not sure I'd want my apology note displayed for all to see.

Brittany wanders around hating life, thanks to her crappy-ass hair-don't. She's in luck, because Christian Marc (a presumably more gifted stylist than Neeko, the dink who put that nasty thing in her head to begin with) is there to finally free her from the Weave That Destroyed Tokyo. Brittany shows him the damage it's done to her head, and Whitney is still unsympathetic, interviewing that she's had a weave for a long time, and they're just not that bad. The fact that Whitney's weave is good, while Brittany's left bloody scabs on her head is never mentioned. Well, maybe Brittany's boyfriend can get shot in the face; then she'll be allowed to cry. The Weave That Destroyed Tokyo is finally subdued, ripped out, and thrown away. Thank God.

Morning. Tyra Mail! It tells the girls not to be themselves, and Jaslene figures out that there will be an acting challenge today. Oof, I hate those, mostly because the last acting challenge signaled the beginning of CariDee's undeserved coast to victory. Whitney is excited, figuring she'll excel in a challenge like this. Jaslene looks unhappy. Brittany's still floating on a cloud of hair happiness. Natasha misses her baby. She talks to her on the phone, and they flash a picture of her daughter, who has the biggest, bluest eyes ever. Natasha cries, and while I wish my response to this scene were "Awwwww", my honest reaction was "Natasha is not in the least bit pretty". She and Dionne commiserate. Dionne interviews that it's difficult being away, and also talks on the phone with her daughter (another insanely cute picture is flashed on-screen). Her daughter's name is Ta'kya. Oof. How's she going to fill out that apostrophe on her SAT exam?

Later, the Monster Humvee drops the girls at a theater, where they're met by Tia Mowry. Tia's there to plug her show that plays on the CW. I've seen about fifteen seconds of that show, and that was plenty. She tells the girls that it's important for them to know how to embody different characters. And what better way is there to learn about acting than by wearing silly hats? Tia tells the girls to select a hat from the rack. Model stampede. After the dust settles, Tia tells them to act and talk like the character their hats suggest. Natasha is a witch. Fitting. Her witch voice is really whiny, and she pretty much sucks. Dionne has a Southern lady hat, and fans herself. Whitney has a leopard-print pimp hat, and acts like a big streetwalker, which Tia enjoys. Brittany has a jester's hat, and spazzes out, doing a somersault. Jael has a crown, and is helped in her arrogant performance by that odd Sergeant Pepper jacket she's wearing. Renee has a peasant bonnet on, and plays the downtrodden serf to the hilt, helped along by sad violins on the soundtrack. Jaslene has a Vegas showgirl feather hat on, and looks even draggier than usual. She curses, which delights Tia no end. So Tia likes swearing and whores. Good to know. She gives the girls a script, which they have two hours to memorize.

The girls split up and work on their lines. Their script includes lines in three different character veins. First is a "melodramatic Brittany type" (tm Jael). Heh. The second is a prissy diva. The third is a perky girl you want to smack with a mutton chop. During the memorization scene, all the girls are wearing winter caps and scarves for absolutely no reason. Just so you know. The girls enter the main auditorium of the theater, and who should walk out to greet them but Efren Ramirez, who played Pedro in Napoleon Dynamite. Whitney recognizes him instantly. He tells the girls that it's important to be able to have a wide range as an actor, which is pretty rich coming from the guy who's known for precisely one role, and whose other roles include: Hector, Paco, El Cucharan, Jorge, Carlos, Pico, and Fernando. Range! Efren will be picking the winner of the acting challenge, but doesn't tell the girls what the prize will be. Fishy. Let's get started.

The challenge is intercut with the models' performances. Brittany does really well with the "melodramatic model". No surprise there. Dionne affects a weird, Jamaican accent, and interviews that she had no idea where it came from. Hehehe. Renee almost bursts into tears as the melodramatic character. Efren interviews that she started with a bang, and was "fully committed". I'll bet. Oh, he means to the challenge. Well, that too. She does a good job with the "diva" character, which makes sense. She sweeps makeup off a counter onto the ground. Natasha fucking sucks. Why is she still here? Jaslene forgets her lines. Ah, that explains the unhappy look upon learning of the acting challenge at the model pad. She's embarrassed. Onto the "perky" model. Efren loves Whitney's performance. Jael has confused "perky" with "meth addict". And...we're done.

The girls gather to hear the winner. Efren says it was tough to pick a winner, which I doubt. Whitney thinks it's important to win the challenge. Too bad, sucka! Renee wins, and I have to say, she deserved to. She gets to pick a friend to share in the reward. Since she doesn't have any friends, she picks Dionne in the hopes that Dionne will hate her a little less. Dionne's jaw drops, and there's naturally a scratching record sound on the soundtrack. Heh. Another sepia-toned flashback to Dionne confronting Renee in the Accusing Circle, which is the third time we've seen it this episode. WE'VE GOT IT NOW, THANKS. Dionne joins Renee on stage, and gives her a hug. Jael tells Dionne that she's easily bought. Hahaha. I like this episode. The "prize" for winning the challenge is... T-shirts. With "I Voted For Dionne" and "I Voted For Renee" printed on them. The girls all think it's a woefully crappy prize. Dionne and Renee have pained smiles, which are hilarious, and Dionne interviews that she doesn't know "what the hell [she's] going to do with a T-shirt". I'm glad to see this cycle's girls have some taste.

The next day. Renee is happy to have won a challenge, not really caring that her prize is so lame. Whitney thinks Renee has come a long way with the attitude adjustment, and Jael tells Renee that her smile is contagious. Aw. People knock at the door, and Brittany and Jaslene go to answer it. Dionne emits a scream of joy upon seeing who it is, but we won't know who's at the door until after this commercial break. Of course, if you've ever been bright enough to solve an Encyclopedia Brown mystery, you should already know who's at the door, but who am I to ruin the carefully crafted suspense?

Commercials. I'm not so sure a harp-playing baby is an "upgrade" from my usual alarm clock. I don't have to feed or change my alarm clock.

Solved it yet, Nancy Drew? The crappy T-shirts were just a ruse, and the real prize for the acting challenge is that Renee and Dionne's families get to stop by for a visit. Renee's husband and son are super-cute. Dionne is happy to see her mother, sister, and daughter. Until she sees the mess her sister's made of her baby's hair. Hahaha! Dionne's mom threatens to have a "talk with Tyra" about including older women and women with wheelchairs. Sweet, I'd love to see that throwdown. Dionne's mother is in a wheelchair because a jealous old lover shot her. Yowsa. Brittany takes an adorable photo of the two families together. Renee supports her son as he "walks" down the model pad's runway, kidding that Miss J would have his head on a platter. Don't give him any ideas. Renee is extremely grateful for this prize. Yeah, it's a good one. Dionne fixes Ta'kya's hair, and talks about how inspiring her visit is. Upon seeing the happy mothers with their happy children, Natasha begins to break down. She gets very emotional and calls her husband in tears. Her husband tells her he's sorry. He's got to be getting pretty sick of the tearful phone calls about every little thing. Dionne is sorry to say good-bye to her daughter, but interviews that she's here to compete, and just has to get over it. Dionne's "Yes, I love my family, but now is not the time to worry about it" attitude is so freaking refreshing. Renee, working yet another head scarf, kisses her husband and son good-bye. She's understandably happy, though I could do without "it was the happiest day of my life." Let's not go nuts. Omnipresent full moon.

Morning. Tyra Mail! "Arrrrr yooo ready to be spooooked bah the ghosts of thuh paaaaaaayest?" Yeesh. Please don't let Jaslene read the Tyra Mail anymore. Nobody knows what it means. Natasha is still crying and upset over not being able to see her daughter. I can understand the initial disappointment, but now it's time to get the hell over it. You know how Natasha could have prevented this emotional turmoil? By not agreeing to be sequestered from her family for several weeks. Reality show contestants are such a weird-ass bunch. I can't count the number of them who act like they were blindfolded, thrown into a van, and forced to appear on television at gunpoint. She predicts the entire day is going to suck, because she can't stop thinking about her baby.

The Monster Humvee drops the girls off at the photo shoot. OJ still hasn't been fired, to my chagrin. He immediately notes that Natasha is in a foul mood. He brings up the "acting" theme of the episode, and says that in today's photo shoot, the girls will be portraying infamous scenes from previous seasons of Top Model. That fucking rocks. Blah blah product placement. OJ introduces Matthew, today's photographer. Off to hair and makeup with you bitches! Brittany freaks out when approached with a red wig. Yeah, no kidding. First up for the shoot is Jaslene. OJ plays her a video of the scene she'll be portraying. Oh, snap. It's the scene in Cycle 5 when Bre thought Nicole stole her granola bars, signaling Bre's metamorphosis from no-nonsense, awesome model to self-important dickweed (and thus ended my interest in that season from there on out). Jaslene asks OJ some questions about motivation and such, and OJ brings out someone who may be able to help -- Bre herself, who looks much better than the last time we saw her. She hugs Jaslene, and they get to the scene, with Bre attempting to steal a granola bar out of a huge purse by Jaslene's side. Jaslene tries looking all gruff and intimidating, which OJ interprets as her going way too over-the-top.

Sutan talks with Dionne about her daughter, which is our cue to check in on Natasha. She's still upset. Thanks for the update. Now she's convinced herself that not seeing her daughter is some kind of punishment devised specifically for her, because she is the center of the universe. I'm totally unsympathetic by this point. If you want the reward, try not sucking in the challenges. She interviews that she won't be able to mask the emotion for her photo shoot, and cries us into the next break.

Commercials. I'm not sure emphasizing the fact that once you have a baby, you'll get no sleep is really the way to go about increasing the number of people who need your product, Huggies.

OJ goes to talk with Natasha, and duhs that some girls are going to get prizes and rewards that others don't get. She understands, but is still heartbroken. My eyes roll back into my head and I do a quick retina check. All healthy. OJ also tells Natasha (gently -- he's not an asshole, for once) that being away from one's family is part of the territory of being a model. Seriously. He brings up Tyra as an example, and huh? Who is Tyra away from when she travels? Her non-existent husband/lesbian lover? Her non-existent child? Don't even try to make me feel sorry for Tyra having to travel away from her mother. OJ gives Natasha a hug, then gives her the scene she'll be portraying. Aw, it's Michelle, who got a "flesh-eating bacteria" (which was actually impetigo, if I remember correctly) in Cycle 4. They show shots of her crusty, scabby face. Poor Michelle. She comes in to assist with Natasha's scene, and she looks great now. Dark hair suits her. She plays a grossed-out girl to Natasha's "Michelle". OJ loves Natasha's poses. They hug. Crap.

Whitney says she can't worry about her poor pictures in weeks past. She's wrapped in a towel, and OJ plays her scene for her. It includes shots of OJ back when he looked relatively human, and Whitney laughs at him. Sweet. Her scene is that time that Fucking Shannon, (the slack-jawed Jesus freak) refused to pose semi-nude for a photo shoot. Fucking Shannon herself enters to help with the scene. Go back to obscurity where you belong. Her "assistance" is basically composed of putting her hands on Whitney's towel, and she's still unable to pose without her jaw hanging open. Good job, Fucking Shannon. I can see why you got second place. Whitney's performance is disappointing, though I don't know how much she could have done with "I'm not taking this towel off". Jael interviews that you can only go on Top Model once (which is funny in light of who's popping up in this episode), and that every day she's still in the competition is the best day ever. OJ plays her scene. Oh, it's that awesome time in Cycle 4 when Rebecca fainted.



Splat! Rebecca comes in to assist Jael. She's pretty. She should have gone further in her season. Jael lies down on the ground, while Rebecca partially lifts her. I'm not sure what about that scene expressed "writhe around on the floor in a sexual frenzy" to Jael, but that's what she's doing. OJ tells her to tone down the sexuality, but it doesn't look like she ever does. Brittany joins OJ for her scene. It's a scene of Amanda and Michelle (the twins from Cycle 7) being...themselves. That's it? That's the "infamous" moment from Top Model past? The fact that you had twin contestants? Lame. LabRat thinks Amanda and Michelle are ugly. The twins come in to help with Brittany's shoot, which is that the three of them are triplets. Yawn. After the shoot, the twins give Brittany some advice, like keeping a positive attitude. Fucking Shannon pretends she has a modeling career.

Renee's up. Her scene is poor Joanie (I loved her -- though I didn't love Cycle 6) spending hours in the dentist's chair, and having all those teeth pulled out. They show the actual extraction, and it is NAAAAASTY. Joanie comes in to play dentist. She is so gorgeous. OJ interviews that Joanie almost stole the show from Renee, who's taking the judges' "ugly it up a bit" advice a little too much to heart. She makes a lot of pained faces in the dentist's chair. OJ doesn't like her shots, and Renee looks perturbed.

Dionne gets made up, and interviews that she's going to portray Kim in the limo makeout scene. She doesn't look a thing like Kim when she's done. Dionne's not wild about doing this scene, because she's not a "fucking lesbo". Watch it, Dionne. I love you, but it's a short walk to the shitlist. Being uncomfortable lip-locking a woman is understandable (I certainly wouldn't enjoy it). Insulting people who do enjoy it will not be tolerated. Dionne tells OJ it'll be a hard scene to do, because Kim looks boyish and dorky. The actual Kim is coming in for the shoot, and hears this. Hahahaha! Dionne worries about the kiss, interviewing that she doesn't even kiss her "own damn boyfriend". So chaste. One wonders how she obtained a daughter. Everyone climbs into the Monster Humvee, and OJ picks up on how uncomfortable Dionne is with portraying a lesbian. But lo and behold, halfway through the shoot, Dionne giggles and says that she's actually enjoying this. Kim gets a face, like, "Score!". Dionne interviews that she has no idea why she became so comfortable, but that the shoot was cool, and she enjoyed it. Whew. I was afraid for a second that I'd have to dump her. Evening at the model pad. Tyra Mail announces the upcoming elimination. The girls are nervous, as always. Jael interviews that the judges don't really understand her, because she's so "complicated". Heh. Jaslene and Whitney fret about their chances.

Commercials. Don't smoke pot, or your dog won't like you anymore.

We enter the Chamber of Doom on Tyra trying to look imposing in another one of her Gypsy fortune-teller getups. What is with her this season? And hey, since we're rehashing Top Model past tonight, why not enter the Chamber of Doom on a little Crazy Tyra at panel action? I guess she didn't want to relive that particular little embarrassment. Prizes. Judges. The guest judge is Matthew, which is a bit of a letdown. Sure, he's more qualified than Efren to judge the photos, but what a wasted opportunity to have Pedro the Guest Judge. Whitney is up first for evaluation. There's a bad overdub of Tyra "saying" that the photos will be presented in comic book style, for pretty much no reason. Whitney's photo naturally features Fucking Shannon's slack jaw, and unfortunately, Whitney herself doesn't look good, for the third week in a row. The judges say there's no passion in the photo. They still love Whitney in person, but she can't seem to translate that onto film. Brittany's triplet shot is fine, and the judges love it. I'm fairly sure Brittany is the current record-holder for number of episodes without a single criticism of her photos.

LabRat: "It's easy to look pretty when you're bookended by two dogs."

Jaslene's granola shot is not her best, and Tyra tells her that she's getting weaker in the competition, as opposed to stronger. The fact that she looks like a drag queen is brought up for the millionth time. I like Michelle in Natasha's flesh-eating bacteria shot, but not Natasha herself. The judges disagree with me, saying that she's really learning to become a model, and that she had tremendous energy. Boo! Dionne is told she looks a little dumpy this week at panel, but improves when she pulls some excess fabric behind her. She and Miss J banter a bit about her being "scuuuured" to kiss a woman. Her lesbian shot is fairly good, and the judges like it. Well, Kim looks horrendous in it, but no news there. Matthew tells Dionne she was his favorite girl of the day. Yay! Jael's fainting shot is not good. Remember how Sarah's shots always looked too posed? Same problem here. Jael's defense? "Well, I was taking direction from [OJ] as well. Like, he told me to, like, [silence]. You know, cause when I started off as, like, [unintelligible mumbles]. Cause he showed me the video. And he told me to come alive, and, like, sell the shoes." Um. The judges bemusedly look at her, and Tyra just thanks her and sends her back to the group. Renee thanks Tyra for the opportunity to see her family. Tyra enjoys basking in others' gratitude. Shot of Natasha, of course. Renee's dentist shot is pretty good, though nothing to write home about. Twiggy likes that she looks pretty and pained at the same time. Tyra does warn her against taking the "ugly it up" advice too strongly, and Nigel says her hair and makeup at panel makes her look old. Ouch. Renee is sent back to the group. Whitney pats her poofed-up hair. Heh. The girls are dismissed.

Commercials. My interest in body wash does not extend to going online to watch longer commercials.

Deliberations. They try to force the new nicknames on us, but I'm not having any of that. Dionne is growing by leaps and bounds. Renee has something special, but tends to photograph on the old side. Whitney is beautiful in person, and has a great personality, but melts when a camera is pointed at her. Jaslene. Drag queen. WE GET IT NOW. Twiggy goes crazy whenever Jael speaks. Hehe. Matthew thinks there's something about her worth keeping. Natasha has really progressed and is gorgeous and sexy. I wish I could see Natasha as the judges see her, because I'm baffled by her continued success. Brittany is perfect in every way.

Elimination. Top of the pack this week is Dionne. Yay! Natasha is safe. Boo! Brittany. Renee. Jaslene. Will Jael and Whitney please step forward? Blah blah usual horrific grammar ("still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model"). Whitney can't shine in a picture like Jael. Jael can't speak with eloquence like Whitney. Tyra praises her own interviewing skills more highly than Diane Sawyer's. Tyra's Ego: it's the judge we can always depend on. Unfortunately, one can't be a model if one can't take a good picture, so Jael gets her photo. She and Whitney hug. Jael approaches, and Tyra makes her say something understandable to prove she deserves to stay. "I will definitely prove myself to be all that you believe I am." Not bad. Tyra tells Whitney she's come a long way, and Whitney says she's learned a lot. Tyra tells her to go home and practice. Group hug! In her final interview, Whitney says she didn't expect to be eliminated today, and admits to being extremely disappointed. And while I like her a great deal, her portfolio certainly supports the judges' decision. Whitney says that maybe modeling isn't the career for her. I agree! Go put that brain to better use, Whitney! Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: The always loathsome "interview" episode. And also, the "travel to exotic destination" one. Welcome to America's Next Top Model: Paint By Numbers.

Overall Grade: B+