The Girls Who Go Down Under

America's Next Top Model - Season 8, Episode 8

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Dionne and Renee got to hang out with their families for a while, which put Renee in such a good mood that she was completely unobjectionable for an entire episode. Previous contestants awesomely showed up for the photo shoot, although the next time you drag someone back from the first season, please make it Elyse. Natasha wowed the judges for some unidentifiable reason. Jael and Whitney slipped to the bottom two, and Whitney's inability to take a stellar photograph (probably due to the fact that she had to hang out with Fucking Shannon all afternoon) sealed her fate. Six girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. There's something truly hilarious about the way Tyra always says "...and she was SENT. HOME." in the previously-on segment. It's as if the eliminated girls have been sent to the electric chair. Which they may have been. Anyone seen Cassandra lately?

Evening at the model pad. Jael -- does she have a piece of paper sticking out of her bra strap? -- talks to Jaslene about how awesome it is to have made it this far. Jaslene is less enthusiastic, saying that the judges told her she's been doing worse and worse lately. Sepia-toned flashback for the forgetful and/or deaf. Jaslene interviews that she needs to step up her game. Doing poorly in the competition lately has given Jaslene a much-needed splash of humility. It suits her. A picture of Nicole-the-undeserving-winner hangs on the wall. Brittany interviews that it's exciting to be in the final six, but she needs to work on standing out from the crowd. I'd say Brittany, who has gotten literally nothing but positive feedback from the judges, shouldn't change a damn thing. Natasha talks to Jael about Russia, and interviews that she wants to do more with her life than be a mail-order bride. I'm paraphrasing, of course, but that's the gist. Jael interviews something typically unintelligible. As the tape I record this on gets older and older, I understand Jael less and less. It was something about how she's proud to still be in the competition, and how she likes to stand out in a crowd.

Tyra Mail! Jael gives it a properly melodramatic reading. It mentions that talking to people every day isn't as easy as it looks. Because those of us who don't have talk shows never have to speak to anyone else as part of our jobs. You don't know how difficult it is to describe DNA sequence through interpretive dance. Jael goofs around with Natasha for a bit, and then it's off to bed. Morning. Dionne puts her contacts in. Natasha attacks herself with mascara. Jael lets some woman into the model pad. She looks familiar. Oh, it's April from Cycle 2. I didn't recognize her, because as part of her new gig as a correspondent for some show, she's had her personality surgically removed. It's intensely creepy how robotic and plastic people become when they get into that field. Look at Ryan Seacrest. He's practically a Ken doll by this point. Anyhow, April is there to work with them on their interviewing skills, because models have to be a "jack of all trades" these days. Jaslene interviews that she sometimes has a lot of issues with speaking, thanks to her Spanish accent, but she wants to learn to "talk good". I'll bet you can guess the first thing I'd teach her.

April tells them about common problems with interview subjects, such as them talking too much or not talking enough. She brings in an assistant named Gary, who will help act out these scenarios, because the entire audience is really wrestling over what "talks too much" could possibly mean. Jael interviews that she's really good about talking to people, because she's "fearless" and has a lot to say. What that has to do with being a good interviewer is never mentioned, but I appreciate anything that injects even a little bit of interest into the always-tiresome interview segment of this show. April and Gary have fake interviews. It's boring. The girls are then paired off to practice interviews on each other. Jaslene flails with Brittany. Natasha and Renee do well, considering that they clearly hate each other, and any item placed between them would instantly burst into flame. Dionne and Jael. Dionne asks a few questions, then interviews that Jael will blab about anything. Glass houses! Jael fires questions at Dionne. Natasha thinks that it's a pretty intense interview, to the point that Dionne and Jael are about to break into a raging catfight, but no such luck. It looks like Jael is just playing at being intense to me, which Gary also picks up on. April dismisses the girls, saying that she'll tell them about their next challenge tomorrow.

Evening. The intro to the second scene of a straight porno gets going, as Natasha, Renee, Brittany, and a topless Jael fling water and plastic balls at each other in the pool. Renee says that she's had a lot of differences with Jael, but now they're getting along better. Who is this person? Where did that bitchy Renee go? Don't tell me that tearful apology was actually genuine. Huh. "But I don't know if she has what it takes to be a model." Oooh, there's a glimmer of Bitchy Renee! Except, she's pretty much right, so I can't slam her on it. Damn. The space-time continuum rips, as the sun re-sets.

Morning. The girls gather in the Accusing Parlor to meet with April. She tells them they're going to hit the streets with their newfound interviewing skills. A person in a large kangaroo costume bounds in, which freaks Jaslene out. Hehe. The kangaroo pulls off its head to reveal...Tyra, who yells that the girls are headed to Sydney, Australia. A real kangaroo bounds in. Jaslene freaks out again, though this time she blends into the group of girls indulging in their usual shrieks upon learning of the season's trip abroad. She recovers, interviewing that she's excited to go someplace besides "the hood" and "around the corner". Renee sucks up to Tyra. The girls pet the kangaroo as Tyra reiterates that they'll be doing their interview challenge in Australia, and Natasha, who failed to understand this three seconds ago, emits the most obnoxious high-pitched scream in the history of this show. That's not an exaggeration. Out of countless "EEEEEEEE!", "AAAAAAAAAH!", and "WOOOOOOOOOO!" we've been subjected to over the years, this is the one that would drive the Pope to suicide. The scream continues for several seconds, and I look around for something sharp to puncture my eardrums with. Tyra says that the winner of the challenge will be a correspondent on the Tyra show "more than once", and Natasha lets out another blood-curdling shriek. I start filling out my holiday wishlist. 1) A blunt instrument. 2) Five minutes alone in a dark alley with Natasha. 3) A lenient jury. The girls are excited. The kangaroo is cute.

Commercials. Shut up, Aunt May.

Evening. The girls pack for their trip. Jael discovers a tampon on the floor and flings it at Brittany. Eeeeeeew. She interviews that she's never been abroad before, and is pumped that the six of them get to go together, like it's a group of friends who just won a free trip. Well, that's certainly a cheerier attitude than some other traveling companions have had. Jaslene is happy to have the "privilege" to go to another country. Jaslene needs to lay off the lip gloss. The girls head for the airport, and it wouldn't be Top Model without a cheesy airplane cartoon with the girls' heads pictured in the windows.

Sydney. Everything is beautiful, of course. Shot of the Opera House (#1). A crowded beach. Opera House (#2). The plane lands. Natasha interviews how excited she is to be there, which I'm only bringing up because guess what's serving as the backdrop for this interview? Yep (#3). Jael is wearing a translucent mint green tutu. Yikes. Outside the airport, the girls are met by Erika Heynatz, who was the original host of Australia's Next Top Model. She knows that they must be tired, but too bad, suckas! They have to go right into their challenge. Erika tosses some Australian slang at them, which of course leaves them befuddled, and is the perfect opportunity for the editors to toss in the chirping cricket sound. Jaslene is concentrating so hard, her head may explode. She interviews that she had a big question mark on her forehead, demonstrating by holding her thumb and a crooked index finger up to her face. Straighten out that index finger and I'll agree with her. The girls will spread out and interview locals about American fashion faux-pas (tragically, no shots of Tyra's line of Gypsy-wear this season), and will need to incorporate as much Aussie slang as possible into their questions. Erika hands out lists of Australian slang words.

Brittany is worried about the challenge, because she has issues with her short-term memory. Ooh, that makes me want to go watch Memento right now. Terrific movie. Anyway, when Brittany was in high school, she got hit by a car and had to get staples put into her head, which has damaged her memory. So Brittany has no memory, Renee's family is broke, Dionne's mother is in a wheelchair after being shot, and Jael's friend died of an overdose. Welcome to America's Next Top Model: The Shakespearean Tragedy. The girls study their word lists. Dionne's exhausted, and not looking forward to the challenge. The girls head for the beach. Renee gets off to a good start, racking up four well-placed slang words in a couple of questions. Dionne wants to "ax" a woman some questions, and her slang-o-meter remains stubbornly set at zero. Her "that's cool"-o-meter, however, starts getting a nice workout. Jael gets one slang point in her interview with some guy with disgusting dreadlocks. Note to white people: Knock it off with that. Brittany finds an American woman, which somewhat defeats the purpose of the interview (Opera House -- #4), but whatever. Brittany asks for an example of a major American fashion faux-pas, and the lady tells her it'd be women with skimpy tops with their bra straps showing. Three guesses what Brittany's wearing. Hahahaha! You rock, mean American lady!

Jaslene slangs her way into getting some guy to show her the band of his boxer shorts. Natasha racks up several slang terms, though her questions are nowhere as near as natural as Renee's were. Jael is confident, though she's a lot happier about being Jael than conducting a good interview. Dionne wants to "ax" some more questions. Her slang-o-meter never gets off the ground, but her "that's cool"-o-meter skyrockets to eight. The girls meet Erika (Opera House -- #5), who tells them that they won't find out who won the challenge until the next judging panel. She hands over the gigantic key to the apartment where the girls will be staying while in Sydney. The girls head over there, and the accommodations are very spacious and pretty, excepting the multiple pictures of CariDee all over the place. Natasha interviews that only one girl can win the season, so now is the time to get serious. Jael is worried that she's the only one of the finalists to have been in the bottom two. Not even. She is, however, the only finalist to have been in the final two twice. Renee tells her that only Brittany and Renee herself have avoided being in the bottom three, which is our segue into Brittany interviewing that she has what it takes to win the competition (Opera House -- #6).

Commercials. Enjoy Life Savers Fruit Tarts to the point where you transform other people into candy, kill them, and eat them. I'll bet this is the first step on the road to building your house out of gingerbread and luring a couple of kids to their doom.

We're back! Opera House -- #7. The girls wait around until some Tyra Mail wills itself into existence. It says something about "put up your dukes", which the girls interpret as having to do with boxing kangaroos. Man, that would have been way cooler than what we're really in store for. The Monster Humvee's Aussie cousin drops the girls at a park. OJ meets them there, and asks if they've been paying attention to the locals' accents. They shrug it off. OJ tells them that they'll be doing a commercial today instead of a photo shoot, and they'll have to affect a thick Australian accent. Heh, this is one of those tasks that they pretend has the slightest tangential connection to modeling, but really doesn't (like walking on tilting platforms suspended above a pool). Still, it has the potential for hilarious incompetence, so I'm all for it. Natasha interviews (Opera House -- #8) that this will be tough for her, thanks to her Russian accent and tenuous grasp of English. OJ explains the premise of the commercial for way too long, considering how dumb it is. A wandering photographer is distracted by the girls' beauty and takes pictures of them. There, you're caught up. What the hell does this have to do with "put up your dukes"? Nothing? OK, just asking. Off to hair and makeup.

While the girls are getting ready, they study their script. It's not exactly King Lear. Natasha talks with an Australian hair stylist to try and pin down some Aussie inflection. Sutan also tries to help her, but as with all of his other "talents" on this show, his Australian accent sucks. Brittany has already forgotten that she already told us she has short-term memory problems, so we get to hear about it again. Renee is up first for the commercial, and who the hell did her hair? She's about three eyelashes away from being Steve Irwin, a comparison that becomes even more apt when she begins speaking. I'm surprised she doesn't throw in a "Criiiiiiiiiiikey!" She has some trouble with the lines, so OJ brings in some cue cards. They help tremendously, and Renee gets through the script. Her Australian accent is fair to middling (She gets a 6 on the Dundee-o-meter). They film some additional reaction shots. Zzzz. Up next is Dionne. Her performance is pretty awful, as is her accent (a 2 on the Dundee-o-meter). That said, she looks really beautiful. A nearby sheep is, like, "Baa. You suck." Jael gets ready for her shoot by hanging out with a chicken. That's not a euphemism. She loves being out in nature. Whoever picked her Little Skank on the Prairie outfit needs to be punched. OJ advises her to take a very conversational tone with the camera. Her performance and accent are just as horrible as Dionne's (another 2 on the Dundee-o-meter), but with the added problem of acting far too over-the-top. OJ says she had good energy, but that he couldn't get a good read out of her. Then her reactions shots suck, too. Rut roh. She cries a little bit, and says "I just want to, like, touch the grass and the animals and, like, breathe the air and climb the trees." OK, then. She complains to Dionne about how she'd rather be in black leather, whooping a boy's ass. I'm sure that photo shoot is not too far in the future.

Jaslene gets ready. OJ tells a random crew member that she looks like Janice Dickinson. Eh, maybe a little. She does look good. Her khaki outfit is far more flattering than Jael's nasty top. Looking good doesn't save her commercial, though. She spends the entire time furrowing her brow in concentration (and her accent barely reaches a 3 on the Dundee-o-meter). OJ is impressed that she remembered the entire script without cue cards. Yeah, all seven lines. Jaslene grins about herself in an interview, in which her accent is ironically about four times better than any of her reads in the commercial. Brittany tells the male model, who we've seen for about a grand total of five seconds (boo!) that she hopes she has her lines down, because her memory sucks (Brittany's Memory Issue -- #3. Can she catch up to the Opera House count?!?! Let's find out!) She looks pretty. OJ fills her in on how the commercial is going to work, and she spills the car accident story again (Brittany's Memory Issue -- #4). OJ tells her that she's got to come up with a way to work through her shortcomings. Seriously. I'm sorry she got mowed down and everything, but there are cue cards provided here. Brittany's Memory Issue should have little to no effect on her performance, since the words will be written right there in front of her face. She gets started, and immediately sucks rocks. Her accent's not horrendous (maybe a 5 on the Dundee-o-meter), but she can't go more than one line without stumbling. OJ warns her about getting into a headspace where she's totally defeated, but it's too late. She cries, and says it's frustrating that the accident is still affecting her five years later (Brittany's Memory Issue -- #5), and that it's hard to act all cheerful for the commercial when she's so aggravated.

Natasha looks better than she usually does. Kudos, hair and makeup team. She gets started, and her first couple of reads are very stiff. Still, she does a good job of overcoming the Russian accent (she gets a 3 on the Dundee-o-meter, which is pretty good considering the source). She explains in an interview that English is her second language. Really? She thinks it was harder for her to memorize the lines than the other girls. She'll be sorry if she ever voices that opinion to Brittany. By the end of her reads, Natasha has loosened up, and it pains me to say that she was one of the best today. OJ heaps on the praise. She's thrilled. In the van ride on the way back, the girls hash out how difficult the challenge was. Natasha says she wishes that nobody would get eliminated. That'd make for a long season. Jael interviews that she doesn't want to go home, because she's "not finished spreading the joy to the universe." Hehe. Shit like that is why I don't want Jael to win, but I damn sure want her to stick around for a while. Brittany cries some more. Renee says that they're never really sure what the judges are going to say, totally nailing the panel for being so arbitrary all the time. Brittany cries that she knows she did her best, but is just now realizing that being run over and losing a chunk of your brain kinda sucks. Wow, that's some delayed reaction. Brittany's Memory Issue -- #6.

Commercials. Are they asking us to believe that Fergie shops at Kohl's? Hahaha!

Opera House -- #9. This is going to be a close race! We enter the Australian Chamber of Doom on a picture of Tyra in what would be an Outback type of outfit, if it weren't for those short, poofy sleeves. Take those ridiculous things off, and it'd be a good shot. Tyra herself looks blessedly more normal at panel than she has in previous weeks. Maybe Customs confiscated all her Gypsy clothing. The Chamber of Doom is decked out with all sorts of decorations. I'm not sure how integral a fake tree is to judging, but it's pretty, so I'm not complaining. Prizes. Judges. Tyra's Australian accent sucks just as hard as the girls' (perhaps a 4 on the Dundee-o-meter). Tonight's guest judge is Erika Heynatz, whose last name I'm just now noticing sounds like "heinous" when said aloud. Ouch. Tyra brags about Top Model being so popular internationally. And with good reason. Catty bitches who cry, fight, and take wacky-ass pictures is our shared cultural heritage as humans.

Let's get to the evaluations. First, we have to see the final commercial. Speaking of heinous. It's naturally quite awful throughout, to the point where I can't even pick it apart to hit on low points. They're all low points. Natasha is up first for individual evaluation. We see her best take, and Tyra tells her she can't believe a girl with such a heavy Russian accent delivered such a great Aussie commercial. Let's not go nuts. She was one of the best when compared to the other five girls, but I don't think she'll be snatching roles from Nicole Kidman anytime soon. All the judges like Natasha, and Tyra tells her to watch that smooshed-up face she gets when she's trying to act sexy. Dionne. The commercial take is far from good, but doesn't send me into seizures or anything. Her accent is more Carribean than Australian. Tyra says something that makes little sense, but essentially boils down to "When you're trying to reach a young target audience, act like a complete ditz." Jaslene. The judges make faces at her commercial take. Nigel is wearing an ugly, blue shirt that even he cannot pull off. Take it off, Nigel! Tyra tells Jaslene she was overthinking. I'll bet that's the first time someone's said that to Jaslene. Tyra feels if she would have relaxed more, she would have had a stellar commercial. Jaslene just stands there and nods.

Renee. Tyra asks if she's nervous. Renee says no, she just went for the Crocodile Hunter style. Oh, I had no idea she was doing that intentionally. Um. OK, then. Her commercial is extremely goofy, but funny. Tyra tells her that she certainly channeled Steve Irwin, including the fact that he was...a man. Hahaha! The judges are a bit overcritical when they tell Renee that in her commercial, she was too much actress and not enough model. Jael. Her commercial take sucks, and Tyra stares at the screen with a death glare. Nigel clearly can't wait to get out of there and get a drink. The judges tell Jael that her performance almost seems like she's making fun of how she thinks a CoverGirl would act. I don't see the need to ascribe malicious intent to what is just a crappy read. Can't she just suck without having some ulterior motive? Brittany. Her commercial take is bad, and Tyra tells her that she looked near tears. Brittany nods. Tyra asks why, and that's all we need for Brittany to gush forth yet again with her tale of woe. Brittany's Memory Issue -- #7. Miss J and Tyra pretty much tell her that in the real world, nobody's going to care, so she'd better shape up. Erika softens the blow by saying that there were some lovely moments with Brittany's accent, and Twiggy thinks her reaction shots were beautiful. The girls are dismissed.

Commercials. Christie Brinkley hocks makeup, and a subtitle reads "Christie Brinkley -- age 52". LabRat, ten seconds later: "What is she, like, fifty-two?" LabRat's Memory Issue -- #1.

Opera House -- #10. Deliberations. Dionne's performance was unimpressive. Tyra says that she may need some practice, but once Dionne's got something down, she'll be fantastic. Renee had consistently good energy. Jael would never get through the door of a fashion magazine. Erika likes her attitude, though, saying she's excited and engaging. Nigel hates her guts. Brittany needs to learn to conquer her nerves. Her memory problem may be understandable, but her inability to recover from a setback is a problem. Natasha somehow pulled a real CoverGirl commercial out of her ass. Jaslene is compared to a drag queen yet again. Tyra thinks she'll be able to learn to pull back her over-the-topness. Jeez, make up your mind, judges. Do you want her to be all wacky cha-cha-diva, or do you want her to be more reserved? Can't have it both ways. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. Tyra holds screencaps of the commercial for the girls who will advance. The first name called is Natasha. Not only did she "win" the commercial, but she won the earlier slang challenge, which means she gets to be a correspondent on Tyra's talk show for a while. Whoop-a-dee-doo. Natasha's happy, though I'm gratified to see that she doesn't squeal like a stuck pig this time. Renee is safe. Jaslene. Dionne. Will Brittany and Jael please step forward? They clutch hands. Brittany takes good pictures, but needs to be able to deliver a good commercial in order to fulfill her contractual obligations or something. Tyra says the judges want to be compassionate about the problem with Brittany's memory.

LabRat: "I want Brittany to say 'What problem?'".

Tyra goes on to say that they can't give Brittany preferential treatment. A picturesque tear streams down Brittany's face. Jael has delivered beautiful pictures, but the way she presents herself on film is "ghastly". They don't like how Jael's fiery personality fell so flat in her commercial. Unsurprisingly, it's Brittany who receives her photo. She and Jael hug. Her vest has oversized buttons or some such tacky crap stuck all over the front of it. Bleh. Jael hugs and thanks Tyra, saying the experience has changed her life tremendously. She loves all the other girls and heads over for a group hug before leaving. Back at the apartment, she prepares for her final exit by putting on a blue wig and red tutu. She says it's been a learning experience, and she's very thankful to have had it. As we see her portfolio (which isn't half bad), she says she'll miss all of the thirteen girls, and that she's forged bonds with each of them. Aw, I'll miss her crazy ass too. Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: I have no idea, because I am again cruelly robbed of a preview. Bastards. Perhaps they'll tell us if Sydney has any famous architecture, because I feel like we didn't see any in this episode.

Overall Grade: B-