The Girls Who Go To Prom

America's Next Top Model - Season 8, Episode 2

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Renee effortlessly ascended the Bitch of the Season throne. Jaslene seemed kind of weird and incompetent, but really pulled it together for the first photo shoot. Kathleen couldn't find her way out of the fog she's been stumbling around in for the entirety of her life, and she was the first girl cut. Twelve girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. Adrianne? No, there's never been one of those on this show. La la la! I can't hear you!

Evening at the model pad. As the girls come in, someone says she already misses Kathleen, while Jaslene sighs "Ay, mi casa", which is helpfully subtitled in English for the people who don't know the easiest words in the Spanish language aside from "si". Jaslene calls her mom and brags about doing so well at the first panel. She really enjoyed the positive feedback from the judges. All this is fine, of course, but you can tell that Jaslene is already overbuying her own hype. She's certainly entitled to be proud of a job well done last week, but it looks like she's ready to be greeted with a processional of rose petals wherever she goes now. Jael and Whitney pal around a little, and Samantha interviews that some of these other girls are crazy, and that she likes to keep to herself. She likes to "release her feelings" by writing in a notebook or calling her family. That gong noise you just heard in your head? That was Samantha's upcoming elimination, which was just foreshadowed about as subtly as having a vulture circle above her bed. She calls her dad and cries that she misses him. That's one thing about reality show contestants I've never understood. I'm always seeing people on TV crying about how much they miss their families, and bursting into tears when they catch even the merest glimpse of the wife, husband, parent, or child that they've been away from for all of three weeks. Are people really that dependent on one another? I love my family dearly, but not seeing them for a month would really not be that big a deal. Samantha wraps up her I-am-so-dead-meat segment by saying that she's really different from the other girls, but would love to be on the cover of a magazine.

Tyra Mail! There's a hint about as broad as a barn door ("Babies learn how to do it -- can you?") that the girls will be working on their walks. They're all proud of themselves for figuring it out. Night turns into morning, and the girls stride into the football field at a local high school. A marching band...marches in, led by Miss J, who is somehow able to pull off the lameness of a marching band uniform better than most. He tells the girls that models sometimes need to be very precise. Like marching bands! Get it? GET IT?!?! Miss J sends the girls off to get changed, and they come back looking like a lesbian golf team. The powder blue shirts and navy blue shorts are pretty standard-issue ugly high school gym clothes, but I know of no school that forces the students to wear visors. They've also got high heels on. Watching the girls on this show clomp around in high heels is always a nice reminder of how glad I am to be male. Miss J has also changed into a light yellow shirt, plaid skirt, and pigtails (complete with those little ball barrettes I haven't seen on kids since the '80s, and really miss). He twirls around. I remember when this kind of schtick delighted me, but I'm kind of over him now. I still prefer him to OJ, but that's not saying much, since I'd prefer getting stung in the privates by a jellyfish to OJ.

Miss J asks the girls to demonstrate their walks. They go one by one, with Miss J offering various bits of advice and criticism. He tells Natasha that he's not sure if she's "marching or walking", which gets filtered through her brain as "Miss J told me I walk like a Martian". Haha! That language barrier is even tougher when the girl behind it is so dumb. Jaslene is told to take longer steps, but she's still floating on that cloud of her own awesomeness from last week, and doesn't appreciate the advice. A bunch of planes fly overhead, and Miss J points them out as an example of precision in groups. Yes, it's time for the models to work together. Yay! It's always fun forcing these megalomaniacs to try and sublimate their egos for a team challenge. You can tell how much it wears on them to share the spotlight, even for a moment. Miss J explains the group choreography, which is helpfully demonstrated via the Washed-Out Screen of Exposition. Three girls will start side-by-side, and begin walking. At one point, the girl in the center will stop, and the two side girls will continue on, but cross over to the other side. They walk over, that is. I don't mean they die and become ghosts. When the side girls reach the end, they turn around and come back. As they do that, the center girl walks forward. The side girls pause, and wait for the center girl to catch up, at which point all three of them finish walking back together. And that's it! The choreography is no more complicated than any second-grade play, but we're about to see why making it any more complex would have been unwise.

Ready? Natasha clearly isn't, but too bad, sucker. Go! The first group (from the audience's left to right) is Felicia, Whitney, and Renee. Felicia forgets to keep moving when Whitney stops. Renee brags about how well she did. That you did, Renee. Now you can climb the rung to the next most complicated task: memorizing your Social Security number. The next group is Sarah, Natasha, and Jael. Jael and Sarah almost crash as they cross, but what's really noteworthy is that Sarah interviews how much more elegant and natural she feels walking in high heels. That's an editor's wet dream, and they gleefully show her stumbling over her own feet. Hehehe. Jaslene the Awesome finds the other girls' walks hilarious. How will they ever compete with Jaslene the Awesome? The next group is Brittany, Cassandra, and Diana. There's another almost-collision at the crossing point, which includes Cassandra, who shouldn't even be there. Brittany forgets to wait for Cassandra to catch up for the final stretch. Man, would I have loved to see Kathleen attempt this. Samantha, Jaslene, and Dionne. Jaslene the Awesome brags some more. They don't show us any screwups with this final group, so they probably managed to pull it off.

The girls are sent into the high school gym, where there's a runway set up with bright blue and yellow balloons and tinsel. They're met by Roy Campbell, a fashion show producer who introduces today's challenge. The girls will be putting on a fashion show with a prom theme for the school's students. Miss J emerges onto the catwalk in a hideous, poofy blue prom dress. Natasha explains that they don't have proms in Russia. What about on Mars, Natasha? Miss J tells the girls that the routine he taught them earlier will be the one they'll do for the fashion show. There will be three prom themes featured ("Modern-Contemporary", "The '80s", and "Ghetto Fabulous"), and each of the girls will come out once for each theme. To make it even more devious, their placement in the line of three will change each time. They couldn't even handle it once, so this should be fun. After a quick hair and makeup montage, they're ready to go. Natasha gives Jael some advice about walking faster or something. Jael completely blows her off. Roy comes backstage and says (for the second time, actually) that a great prize awaits the challenge's winner. The gym fills with students. I'd like to meet the principal who was all "Cancel class so that my kids can watch anorexic bitches fall all over each other? Sounds good!". Actually, there appears to be a fair amount of adults in the audience as well, so maybe this is after school. Roy comes out and introduces himself. Backstage, Jaslene mouthily answers Felicia's question about when to cross. Renee concludes from this that Jaslene is full of herself, and hey, just cause Renee's a bitch doesn't mean she's wrong. Jaslene postures a bit about her "signature walk", which is the same as every other signature walk in the history of this show (i.e., stomping a lot).

Commercials. To paraphrase the great Hermes Conrad, I'd like to take everyone who designs, manufactures, and uses those Nextel walkie-talkies and put them into a bag. And throw the bag into a river. And hurl the river into space.

Sarah recaps the three prom themes for us, in case we forgot in the past two minutes. The kids cheer. Some of them look about seven years old. Let the mayhem begin! Modern-Contemporary. First out is Jael, Sarah, and Natasha. They do fine. Renee, Dionne, and Cassandra. Also fine. I've noticed the side girls now do an additional cross on their way back, which was either thrown in at the last minute, or never shown in the first place. Samantha, Felicia, and Whitney. They're fine. Brittany, Diana, and Jaslene. Still fine. Huh. Maybe these girls have pulled themselves together, and have got this routine down pat. Mwahahaha! Now, the '80s dresses. Natasha, Jael, and Sarah. The dresses are awesomely ugly. Roy interviews that Natasha wasn't cognizant of the other girls around her. And last week, Nigel said she had no concept of the lights and camera. Maybe she really is a Martian. Felicia, Whitney, and Samantha. Whitney bounces along happily. Hehe. Roy says that Samantha needs more attitude. Cassandra, Renee, and Dionne. Roy thinks Renee is bland, but that she seemed to connect with the audience. Diana, Jaslene, and Brittany. Brittany interviews (in that strange lockjaw accent of hers) that she was just trying to act the part and hit her marks.

It's time for Ghetto Fabulous. Let's throw these hoochie mamas out on stage so that impressionable youth can aspire to look like streetwalkers! Sarah, Natasha, Jael, and Sarah's boobs are up first. That's right, though Sarah probably tops out at an A cup, her boobs are actively escaping from her dress. The kids go apeshit. It's not her fault; it's the dress'. Still, she does absolutely nothing to cover herself, saying she doesn't want to "ruin her runway walk". Sarah? You're not at the Versace show in Paris. You're competing in a dumb challenge for a dumb reality show in front of children. Put them away. Jael interviews that she was proud to share the stage with Sarah for her "liberating" moment. Save some weed for the rest of us, Jael. Whitney, Samantha, and Felicia. Whitney again outshines the others. Samantha interviews that her dress needs to be burned, and that she would never be allowed to go to prom in something so revealing. Meanwhile, Whitney and Felicia are crashing into each other in the background. Then they come up to the front and crash into each other again. Jaslene, Brittany, and Diana. Brittany's walk fully embraces the sluttiness of her dress. That's actually a compliment. Roy loves her. Jaslene the No Longer Awesome crosses the runway and walks full-on into Diana, who has literally nowhere to go to avoid the collision. Roy says Jaslene didn't get the choreography, and didn't know or care where the other girls were. Dionne, Cassandra, and Renee. Dionne and Renee bump hips a bit, which Renee refers to as a "trainwreck", but it's really not half as bad as the other mistakes we've seen. Cassandra makes a what-the-fuck-ever face that sends me into a fit of giggles.

Roy gathers the girls backstage. He repeats all the critiques that we've heard already, rightfully giving Sarah a hard time for letting her non-goodies fly in the wind. He tells Renee that she lagged behind the choreography, and you can hear her brain snap. He gives Brittany kudos, and turns to Jaslene. She has a wide smile on her face, fully expecting lavish praise. It does not come. Roy tells her he thinks she made the most mistakes. Her smile fades into a tight face that makes her look like she just sucked a lemon for half an hour. Roy declares Brittany the winner. She gets a humongous trophy with a spray-painted high heel on top. Hahahaha! Sarah finds it as hilarious as I do. The girls pile into the Monster Humvee, and head back to the model pad. Brittany proudly hauls her trophy off to her room. Jaslene bitches to Renee about how she wasn't the only one to make mistakes. Which is true. Whitney and Felicia had as many, if not more problems than Jaslene. Of course, the healthy thing to do is just let it go, but Jaslene's entire world concept of being Supremely Awesome has just been shattered, and she can't handle it. Renee interviews that Jaslene is cocky, self-centered, and insecure. Again, we could say a gazillion things about how hypocritical that is coming from Renee, but she's still right.

Whitney and Felicia feel the tension spreading through the house. They are not at all caught up in how the challenge went, because they actually realize how unimportant it was. Felicia pegs Jaslene as being mad that she's not ruling the competition anymore. Jaslene hears them talking about her, and tries to cause a little spat with Felicia, which is as effective as a gnat trying to take on a walrus. Felicia's like "Whatever, bitch", and a humiliated Jaslene runs off to the telephone to cry to mama. "They're mad because I'm the best walker!!!!" she wails. Hahahaha! I love it. Other girls sit outside smoking, and Renee reports on Jaslene's fit. Brittany pities Jaslene, while Renee revels in her "front" breaking down. Jaslene likens herself to a time bomb that's about to blow. This, I'll remind you, is in response to Felicia and Whitney saying that Jaslene shouldn't be mad about the challenge, because Brittany deserved the win. Not exactly the harshest of backstabs. Jaslene dabs her face with an enormous paper towel. Hah! Even that's hilarious. This episode is fun.

Commercials. I don't understand this ad where the guy sits in a restaurant and brags about how great he is at grilling, while various women look at him skeptically. Why do they doubt him? Why do they care? What do his cooking skills have to do with the restaurant's food? What the hell is going on?

Tyra Mail! For some unfathomable reason, Natasha is elected to read it. None of the girls have the faintest idea what she's saying. The mail includes some typical yearbook abbreviations, although I've never heard of KIT ("Keep in touch!"). In the morning, the girls head back to the same high school. OJ meets them in the gym for today's photo shoot. The theme will be the awards that yearbooks give out at the end of the year, which OJ calls "high school cliches". He assigns the girls their roles, which we'll get to. Unfortunately, this is one of those episodes in which they have a bunch of bullshit product placement, so they can cram a particular company's cosmetics or shampoo or whatever down our throats. Fortunately, we can skip all that crap now. Hair and makeup ensues.

First up for the photo shoot is Jael, the "bookworm". Her outfit is really adorable, from the cartoon raccoon on her pink sweater-vest to the Wicked Witch of the East socks. She does a few full-on nerd poses, looking almost like Urkel in a couple. Well done. Sarah is the "class flirt". She's as dreadfully dull as she was last week. Dionne is the "bad girl". She interviews that she's not really bad, but can play it up as a seductress. She does a good job. I don't know why I like Dionne, but I do. Cassandra is the "cheerleader", I guess because "warthog mascot" wasn't one of the choices. She tries to pull off the "Ho-hum, I'm bored with everything and everyone around me" look. It's an interesting idea, but not what OJ is looking for. He (obliquely) tells her to liven it up, but she doesn't. Renee is the "class clown", and it's time to settle in for yet another incomprehensible rant. She says she's "piffed" (I guess that's a mixture of "pissed" and "miffed") that he assigned her a role she doesn't feel she's good at. She wants to get something that plays to her strengths, like she feels other girls are getting. Hmm, where to start? With the fact that since she feels she's so above everyone else in this competition, she should be able to be versatile? With the fact that "class clown" is about the easiest role to act out, like, ever? With the fact that other girls are similarly getting roles that don't really match up with their overall character? With the fact that Renee is a contestant, and doesn't really get to dictate what she's given to do? The reason I particularly love her snit is because I wonder what she expects in the real world of modeling. "Oh, I don't do well posing outdoors." "Really? OK, then! Let's redesign the whole shoot. The model doesn't feel she does well outdoors, and what she says, goes." Dumbass. Her shoot sucks, which makes me happy. OJ says that she doesn't have a good range of expression. Yeah, there aren't many stops between "smug" and "abrasive".

Up next is Samantha, the "girl with the bad reputation". In other words, the slut. Which doesn't fit her character at all, Renee. Samantha's interview must be written verbatim: "Last week I was a lesbian, and now I'm a ho. Sooooo much fun." Hahahahahaha! That gave me my first outright belly laugh of the season. Awesome. She tries to pose sexily. A naughty word I can't catch is bandied around. Stupid censorship. Samantha says she doesn't even talk like that around her close girlfriends. After saying it on national television. OK, Samantha. Renee bitches some more about how easy it is to act sexy. Well, it's also easy to act goofy. Just ask CariDee. Brittany is the "valedictorian" and gives a hilariously perky grin, a la Tracy Flick. She settles in and gives some more generic model poses as well. She's really doing well this week.

Whitney is the "mean girl". Her evil eyebrow pop is quite impressive. OJ isn't as happy with her, thinking she could have gone further with her "character". Diana is gussied up as "class president". I'm not sure how a black beret follows from that, but whatever. She does fine. Felicia is the "jock", and looks phenomenal. She gives several graceful leaps, which OJ rhapsodizes over. Jaslene is the "weirdo". I'll say. Oh, they mean for the photo shoot. She's essentially done up as Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club, but with one of those fuzzy, lumberjack hats. She does very well, although I have to say the outfit and makeup do most of the work. Renee is bitter some more. Yawn. Natasha is the "teacher's pet", and has no idea what that means. Sigh. Plus, what the hell is going on with her outfit? She looks like Strega Nona. She, like Sarah, just stands there looking boring. OJ hates her. She's upset with herself afterwards, saying she feels like she's failing. At least she grasps that. Oddly, she doesn't blame all her problems on those mean old producers giving her the "wrong" role. Doesn't she realize that the world should cater to her every whim?

Evening. A cool shot of the moon. More of Renee bitching about the same damn thing. We get it, thanks. The other girls are all "Uh, huh. So you suck." Tyra Mail! Jael strolls in topless, which doesn't go over well with Cassandra. Upcoming elimination. Samantha feels like there's a time and a place to be loud and fun, but doesn't think being in a house full of models on television is that time and place. The gong noise in your head just got louder, didn't it? Natasha is nervous, knowing her photo shoot didn't go well.

Commercials. Ah, the ancient art of collecting guys' phone numbers by acting like a helpless, incompetent boob. How far you've come, ladies.

We enter the Chamber of Doom on a rather lifeless picture of Tyra holding a diploma. Ugh, and she's wearing another hippie biker outfit this week. Give it up, Tyra. The girls stream in, and she compliments them on how they look. Prizes and judges are recapped. The guest judge is Roy, and there is thankfully no final challenge this week, so we can get right to individual evaluations. Sarah. Her shot's so-so, and Tyra reads the report from OJ that says Sarah tends to overthink everything she does. Cassandra. The judges think her cheerleader shot is dead-eyed, but I actually think it's the first time I've seen Cassandra look almost pretty. Diana. The judges like her snooty facial expression and strong body language. My boss is convinced they've airbrushed Diana's chin, but I don't see it. Dionne. Her bad girl shot is great, and the judges respond well to it. As usual, we barely hear a word out of Dionne herself. Brittany. I'm actually not wild about her valedictorian shot, because I preferred the more expressive poses she gave early in the shoot. This is one of those placid model poses. The judges love it, though. Samantha. I think her face looks wonderful in her photo, but since her elimination is already sealed, the judges have to come up with some excuses. They say she's not trampy enough, and seemed unsure.

Felicia. I think her jock shot may be the best of the week. How she managed to look so good while jumping in the air is beyond me. The judges give her a heap of praise. Jael. The judges like the balance between sexy and nerdy that she's struck in her photo. Jaslene. The judges love the shot as much as OJ did, but again, look at that photo, and try to imagine it without the goth makeup and the dumpy outfit. It's just Jaslene looking at a camera. So naturally, Jaslene takes this opportunity to whine to the judges about how mean the other girls are. My eyes roll so hard, they create a gravitational pull strong enough to attract loose change. Back in the group, Renee can barely contain herself, even though she's not who Jaslene is referring to. The judges basically tell her to grow a fucking skin.

Whitney. The judges like the close-up of her face, but not her body language. Tyra also tells her to work on her range, saying there weren't a lot of shots to choose from. Whitney says she found it difficult to stay on her mark. As with countless episodes before, Tyra takes a remark that means "I don't know how to do this well. How do I [fill in the blank] without messing up?" to mean "How can I possibly take a good shot when I have to [fill in the blank]? You're just being unreasonable." So rather than say anything useful, Tyra just dismisses Whitney as making excuses. Shut up, Tyra. Renee. Tyra tells her she's not keeping her attention on making her face pretty. Everyone likes the body language, though. Shot of Jaslene looking sour. Hey, editors? Is it Jaslene vs. Renee or Jaslene vs. Felicia/Whitney? Make up your damn minds. Natasha's photo sucks. Roy says she looks like the wicked witch in Snow White, and she totally does. Tyra tells her to relax her mouth more as well. Natasha's a mail-order bride; I'm sure her mouth is plenty relaxed. Zing! The girls are dismissed.

Commercials. The reality show about the Pussycat Dolls proudly displays the B+ they got in Entertainment Weekly. "Hooray! We're above average!"

Deliberations. Brittany rocks. Renee needs work, but she "touches" Tyra (read: we need to hang on to the bitch for a while). Twiggy finds Whitney "housewifey", but Nigel loves her personality. Tyra thinks she's in desperate need of a makeover. Cassandra needs to model with more strength. Twiggy wants to slap Natasha. Hah! Sweet. Miss J thinks Diana needs to show more energy and less control. Twiggy likes her face. The judges like Jaslene's photo, but don't care much for the girl. Sarah is disappointing. Roy thinks they should give her time to develop. Samantha doesn't drink, yell, curse, show her boobies, have fights with other girls, or burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Therefore, she sucks. Twiggy finds Jael incomprehensible. Dionne's photo is "saucy". Felicia is great, but Tyra obsessively disagrees with the time Felicia said she thought she looked like Tyra, which was forever ago. Let it go, Tyra.

Elimination. Jaslene is safe. Felicia. Diana. Renee. Brittany. Cassandra. Dionne. Jael. She's still stoned. Whitney is safe. Sarah. Will Samantha and Natasha please step forward? Samantha is too normal. That's not what they say, but it's what they mean. Natasha is a fugly moron. That's not what they say, but it's what they mean. So of course, Natasha is safe, and Samantha, whose photo is about ten times better than hers, is eliminated. At least Tyra puts it gently, and says that Samantha just needs more time. Samantha hugs the other girls and leaves. She is as refreshingly non-bitter as Kathleen was in her final interview, saying she's looking forward to going back to her family, and that maybe she'll be a model later, but that now just wasn't the time. Aw. Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Makeovers! Finally! Renee picks a fight with Brittany, which I swear I knew was going to happen the very moment Brittany won the challenge this week. Jael gets bad news from home.

Overall Grade: A-