The Girl Who Cries All the Time

America's Next Top Model - Season 8, Episode 3

Previously on America's Next Top Model: The girls went back to school, but there was unfortunately no sign of the Triple Lindy. Samantha was a nice, pretty, normal girl, so of course she had to be eliminated. Eleven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. This is the first episode I forced my boyfriend to watch with me. LabRat: "None of these girls look like models." Heh. I wish I could go back in time to show him fugs like Brooke and Wendy, who make this cycle's girls look like Heidi freaking Klum.

A beautiful, sunny morning dawns on the model pad. Diana and Whitney chat about being plus-size models, and Diana interviews that she's glad she has Whitney there to talk to, because they're in the same boat and because they click so well. Inside, Jaslene and Cassandra are having a friendly chat as well. Cassandra interviews that she can compete, but still be nice to everyone. We're not a single minute into this episode, and I already know Diana and Cassandra are going to wind up in the bottom two. They've sure got some piss-poor editors this season. Night falls, so I guess those two conversations took the whole day. Jael interviews something, but I'm not even going to attempt to transcribe her every word. They should have a show starring her and Christian. It'd be like a half hour of Sim language. Anyway, Jael says something about being the best model she can be. Tyra Mail! It reads "We cut only one last night, but we'll cut a few of you tomorrow." It can mean only one thing. Makeovers! I'm taking all bets on who will be the whiny one who bursts into tears when her hair is cut! Brittany tells Jael that they can do whatever they want to her, and she won't get upset, so the odds of her being the one just skyrocketed.

Morning. The Monster Humvee drops the girls at a salon at 6:30 AM. Yuck. The Jays meet the girls inside and introduce Neeko, the stylist. Then, Tyra emerges in striped pajamas and her (fake) hair in curlers. The girls squeal like pigs. I really should have tried to keep a squeal count this season. Oh, well. Tyra pretends they weren't even going to do makeovers this time around, because of the constant tantrums (like the makeover tantrums aren't a producer's dream come true). There's an awesome flashback to various girls pitching fits. Cycle One - Giselle. Oof, I sure don't miss her. Cycle Two - Catie. Cycle Three - Ann. Cycle Four - Brandy. Cycle Five - Cassandra. Well, she actually had good reason to cry. Cycle Six - Jade. Cycle Seven - Jaeda. Aw, I liked Jaeda.

These girls promise to be good, and Tyra tells them what their new looks will be. Jael will get longer, brown hair. Cassandra's getting that damn wig cut out of her hair, and will be getting extensions in an afro. Renee's getting her hair chopped in the same style as Yoanna from Cycle 2. Yoanna went on to win the season, so let's hope hair is the only thing she and Renee will have in common. Whitney's getting long extensions, Diana's going a bit blonder and thicker, and Felicia's getting weird-ass bangs. Dionne's going to have a front-heavy chop job. Sarah's getting minor changes to "dirty" her up a bit. Jaslene's having her hair cut and volumized. Brittany's getting long, wavy red hair. Natasha's going chocolate brown, which I always think is going to look shitty, and usually winds up looking fine. There's a short scene where the Jays hack off some of Tyra's (fake) hair, and the girls gasp like Tyra's being tortured, Clockwork Orange style. Tyra pitches a pretend hysterical fit. I really hope she never goes into acting. OJ asks the girls if they're ready, and they shriek their assent.

Hair montage. Sarah's hair is darkened, which she thinks helps bring out her facial features. Eh. She doesn't really look much better or worse. Dionne's short new hairstyle is beautiful, and she's happy with it. I love me some Dionne. Brittany is ambivalent about having a bunch of fake hair, saying it's hard enough to take care of her real ones. Cassandra's afro is done. Meh. I suppose she looks better, but in all honesty, her problem was never the hair. Jaslene ascribes all sorts of symbolism to her haircut. I'll just say she looks much better when she's done. She's lucky they didn't cut more; Jaslene would look ugly with short hair. Renee's new asymmetrical style isn't to my tastes, but she doesn't look too bad. Jael is worried that her new hairdo will make her look too normal, so she says she'll have to be wilder inside so that nobody "mistakens" her normal hair for a normal attitude. Well, nobody can accuse her of having a normal vocabulary. Quick, pointless scene of Miss J's Buckwheat hair being flattened. Felicia's new bangs look crappy. She was much prettier before. Speaking of crappy bangs, Natasha looks terrible. I never even thought she was that attractive as a blonde, but at least she looked female. She's closer to a third-rate drag queen now.

Brittany is finding that having hair sewn onto your head can be a bit painful. She battles through, with a lot of "ouch!". She's not particularly pleased with the result, and I don't blame her. She doesn't look bad with long, red hair, but I preferred her shorter style. Whitney loves having longer hair. She looks like... Whitney, with slightly longer hair. Diana looks exactly the same as before. No, really. What did they even do to her? Jael is finding her extensions as painful as Brittany did. Cassandra empathizes with them. After eight hours in the stylist's chair, OJ strolls up and announces that never mind, they're going to rip the weave out of Jael's head, and she's going to have a short, Rosemary's Baby cut, which is what looked so awful on Cycle 5's Cassandra. Jeez. Poor Jael. Sarah feels sorry for her. Jael begins crying, and they'd better not peg her as a whiny bitch later for this.

Commercials. I'm glad that girl is secure enough in her relationship not to care who her boyfriend talks to. But that dress is hideous on her.

Renee recaps what Jael's going through, and even she can't find anything bitchy to say, so you know it's serious. Whitney interviews that Jael must be going through hell. Once her hair's chopped off, OJ tells her that it's OK if she cries, qualifying it with "for a minute". Oh, shut up, you fucking troll. From a purely aesthetic point of view, chopping Jael's hair was wise, because she looks pretty good with short, dark hair. I don't think that weave would have been very attractive. Back at the model pad, the girls let Natasha read the Tyra Mail again for some reason. It says something mysterious about how the girls who didn't make the cut will have another chance to make it up to [Tyra]. Renee pegs it as a makeup challenge. Brittany is hating her new hair. She tells the confessional camera that she's not crying to complain, but that it really hurts. Diana is not sympathetic, nor is Whitney when Diana goes to bitch about Brittany to the other girls. It seems from what they're saying that Brittany has been crying since they got back from the makeovers. Whitney interviews that she'll give Brittany something to cry about. That's such a dad thing to say! She goes in and reads Brittany the riot act, basically telling her that it's only OK to cry when your boyfriend gets shot. Um... OK, Whitney. I mean, I get what she's saying about not wanting to put up with people who cry over every little thing, but there's still a pretty wide canyon between "My hair hurts" and "My boyfriend just got shot in the face". Brittany meekly takes the lecture, while Renee is way too happy about this smackdown in the background. Whitney gives Brittany "the deuces" (yeah, I don't know), and walks away. Brittany holds up a steak. And...scene!

Morning. Jael checks her messages at home, and learns that a friend of hers has died of a drug overdose. Good God, poor Jael is having a really bad week. She understandably breaks down into wracking sobs, and Brittany, Diana, Cassandra, and Sarah try to comfort her. She interviews that modeling is a good distraction from all the crap that's going on in her life. I'm surprised she can really give any attention to the competition now, but I don't know how she ticks or the nature of the relationship, so no judgment here.

Aaaaaah! A closeup shot of a bee on a flower! I hate bees! For once I'm glad to see the Monster Humvee, as it drops the girls at a garden. Brittany doesn't feel well, saying she's caught some sort of stomach bug. She interviews that she's been having "digestive issues" (read: explosive diarrhea), but certainly isn't going to go to the hospital for something so minor. Renee encourages her to go sleep it off in the limo. All Renee cares for is your welfare, Brittany! She's certainly not trying to hinder your chances in the competition! Jael tells Brittany to pull it together, and she'll be fine. Sarah strokes Brittany's back. The girls gather in front of Roxanna Floyd, who works for CoverGirl and Carissa Rosenberg, who works for Seventeen. As long as it isn't fucking Atoosa Rubenstein, I'm happy. Although, what's up with the Jewish girls with overly cutesy first names over at Seventeen? It'll turn out that the head of their advertising department is named something like Cookie Goldblatt.

It turns out Renee was right about the makeup challenge, the winner of which will get to choose two friends, and they'll all get a spread in Seventeen. First, the girls are all outfitted in pretty spring dresses, the better to make it impossible for them to run anywhere. Something doesn't fit Whitney. Diana frets over the lack of good clothes for plus-size models. The models will have ten minutes to run all over the garden and find five tables with cosmetics laid out on them, then put together a spring look, and get back. I can't get over how hideous Natasha's makeover was. Seriously, I have it paused on her right now, and it's frightening. Roxanna gives the go-ahead, and the girls scatter. There's a mad dash for the makeup tables. Jaslene dutifully plugs the makeup. I'll bet she needed a long, hot shower after that. Brittany still feels crappy, but powers through the challenge. There's a shot of her spitting out what I sincerely hope is water. Cassandra runs back to a table for additional eye shadow.

Roxanna and Carissa count down the final ten seconds, and Cassandra can't make it back in time, not helped by the fact that her dress catches on a rose bush. She's disqualified from the challenge. She's upset, because she thinks she did a good job on getting made up, which she did. Roxanna and Carissa give out some random criticisms, which aren't important. Natasha has given herself a hooker shade of lipstick, and looks even worse now. So, a completely random winner is chosen, and that winner is... Brittany! She picks Jael and Sarah to share in the reward, because they were the ones to encourage her to pull herself together for the challenge. Jael is grateful for the chance to be distracted by something fun, and which doesn't involve her getting her hair ripped out or a friend's death. They do the reward photo shoot. Jael loves Brittany, and the photos she takes. Renee does not love Brittany, saying she thinks she's boring, and doesn't understand why she keeps winning challenges. She claims not to care, saying that Brittany can win all the little battles, and Renee can win the big war. Renee? If you win this season, I will dye my hair green.

Tyra Mail awaits the girls back at the model pad. It reads "Sundae is not just a day of rest." The girls know that they're in for some wacky-ass photo shoot. Morning. Brittany is still sniffling, and Renee goes out to complain about her to Diana. She thinks Brittany's "fake", though I'm not sure what she's referring to. Brittany overhears them talking, of course. She interviews that she's not the confrontational type, but had to say something. Well, sure. If you don't yell at the girls whom you catch talking about you, you'll be eliminated for being boring. She tells Renee that the model pad's walls are paper thin, and Renee settles in for a good catfight, because that's all she does well. "I'm just going to say to you right now, I have been nothing but nice to you; nothing but genuine to you." I guess she's leaving out the part where she was being a backstabbing gossip TEN FUCKING SECONDS AGO. Renee interviews that girls gossip about girls, and to not accept that is overly pious. Heh. Interesting morality play she's got going, where she's the poor martyr for being attacked for her completely rational urge to be two-faced. Renee tells Brittany she may be twenty-one, but acts like she's still in high school. Yes, this is the same Renee who just said she's got the biological right to gossip. She nods, convinced she's just put one over on Brittany, not prepared for the retort. "I'm still kicking your ass in this competition." Oh, snap! Renee just gives her the finger, because she knows it's true.

This is why I knew a Brittany/Renee fight was coming since last week. Aside from the fact that Renee will probably fight with everyone over the course of the season, let's take a look at who her recent targets have been. First, she hated Jaslene. And what did Jaslene do that week? Rocked the photo shoot. Then, she moved on to hating Jael. What did Jael do? Won the Goodwill challenge. Then, it was back to Jaslene, whom she accused of having a "front" of confidence, while really being an insecure twit. Jaslene rocked the photo shoot again. And now, she's on to hating Brittany, who has won two challenges in a row. Hey, Renee hates whoever is doing well in the competition! What a coincidence! One might almost think she has a "front" of confidence, while really being an insecure twit. And all that is leaving out that Renee thinks Brittany-the-crier is "phony", when Renee burst into tears last week for...not liking the photo shoot role she was given. Not that she's a hypocritical snatch or anything.

Commercials. That Snuggle bear just gets creepier and creepier.

We're back, and Jael is smoking in the pool, trying to deal with the death of her friend. Sarah thinks Jael letting her emotion out is good for her. I'd say Jael has been pretty open with her emotions since she got here, but whatever. Brittany sits with her, while Renee and Diana hang out a short distance away. Renee tells Diana she's gonna kick Brittany's ass or something, because she's still stinging from losing an argument in one sentence. She thinks Jael won't benefit from phony bitches like Brittany trying to be her friend. Yeah, she should have more caring friends like Renee.

The Monster Humvee drops the girls off at a studio, where a tiny set decorated with lollipops and ice cream sundaes has been constructed. It's entirely too pink. OJ meets the girls there, and tells them that for the photo shoot today, they'll be dressed up as sweets. Their hair, makeup, and wardrobe will incorporate candy, and the rest of the wardrobe will be... Nothing. Yep, it's time for the nudity. I was describing this scene for a straight friend at work, and he was all "Why aren't I watching this show?". Heh. Upon hearing that they'll be mostly naked, some of the girls are excited and some shocked. Brittany, in particular, is extremely nonplussed, and OJ asks her how she feels. "I'll deal," she says. OJ brings in Joseph, the photographer, then sends the girls to go get ready. Brittany interviews that her parents are going to be furious when they see that she has to get naked. They're fine with her going on a trashy, exploitative reality show, but have a problem with her being nude (which isn't exactly unheard of on this show)? She snivels some more, and while the girls may have been sympathetic to her crying because of her painful weave or because of her stomach bug or because of her discomfort with posing nude, they certainly have no patience with all three. We actually hear more than three words out of Dionne for once, as she interviews that Brittany needs to get over herself.

Makeup montage. In addition to wearing candy, the girls have to clutch scoops of ice cream in their hands for the photo. Ouch. First up is Cassandra ("jelly beans"). Her nether regions are blurred, and her hair looks really awesome. OJ tells her not to lose her neck in her poses, and suggests she do some growling at the camera. She attempts it, but isn't very good, and winds up looking too stiff. Meanwhile, Brittany is complaining that her hands aren't going to react well to holding cold ice cream. OK, I was with her for most of this episode, but she really does need to shut up now. Felicia accomplishes that quite neatly by saying that nobody's hands are going to react well. Sarah is "hard candy". She's got bright yellow makeup on and does the best job she's done so far in her posing. Dionne ("candy cane") has stripes of red makeup across her body, and looks fucking gorgeous. Go, Dionne! She tells OJ she may be more comfortable naked. Hehehe. Brittany is "banana split". Despite being quite the whiner about this shoot, she looks really good. She's covered in yellow makeup, and her hair is upswept to look like a cherry. Cool. Renee isn't happy that Brittany is full of excuses, yet goes on to rock the photo shoot, and I hope I won't be struck by lightning when I say: Amen, Renee. It's like those people you knew in high school who would bitch and moan about how awful a test was, and then they'd get A's on everything.

Diana is "gummy bears". She has problems with her posing, which she says is because she's not rail skinny like Jaslene. I don't think her issues are with her body fat, but with the fact that she's posing like she has a stick shoved up her butt. Renee is "candy necklace". OJ tells her she's doing much better than she has in the past. Shit. Whitney is "chocolate kiss". She gives lots of "oopsie!" faces to the camera. Jael is "birthday cake", which is telegraphed by painting the words "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" across her stomach. She actually looks really good, with hot pink makeup across her body, and a kicky little hat made out of an ice cream cone. Jaslene tells her she rocked, which was nice of her. Felicia is "lollipop", and looks terrific, as always. OJ tells her that her body looks good, but something's missing in the face. Not that he tells her what that something is. She tries some other poses, and OJ mutters to the photographer that he just wants more expression in her face. Gee, maybe you could get that if you fucking told Felicia that, instead of just expecting her to be psychic. Jaslene is "dulce de leche". Because she's Latina, of course! The marshmallows in her hair look cool, but otherwise, she's boring. Natasha is "gumballs". I'll say. Oh, they mean her photo shoot. OJ thinks she does much better this week. Eh, she's passable, but not great. The only reason she looks better is because her other shots have sucked so hard. Renee and Sarah have a tiny pissing match over whether Natasha looks like Kate Moss or not. Natasha's proud of herself for managing to get through a photo shoot without, like, falling down a well or something.

Back at the model pad, Tyra Mail awaits. Upcoming elimination. Cassandra worries about being eliminated because she was three seconds late getting back at the makeup challenge. Oh, Cassandra, they wouldn't eliminate you for that. They'd eliminate you because none of your photos have been very good. Jael doesn't want to leave, but wonders how to broach the topic of her friend with the judges (or whether to do it at all). Whitney tells her to do whatever she feels is right. They pray together to help Jael work through her pain, which may be the first appropriate use of prayer I've seen on a reality show in years. Jael cries some more, and Whitney rocks her in her arms. Aw.

Commercials. These women in the Glade candle commercial could not be more irritating if they tried. The stupid joke they make isn't even worth a wry smile, let alone the extremely unattractive cackling they let loose.

We enter the Chamber of Doom on a picture of Tyra that's just a little too pornalicious. She's got her hair pulled to the side in two ponytails with big ribbons, and is holding up a big lollipop. Just last week, she was telling Samantha to act like a ho, but make it fashion. This isn't fashion; it's the cover of Penthouse. And good gravy, what is going on with her hair at panel? I don't even know how to describe it. A black version of Miss Hannigan from Annie, maybe? The girls come in, prizes are recapped, and judges are introduced. The guest judge is Neeko, for some inexplicable reason. How does cutting hair qualify him to be a judge? Whatever. Luckily, there was enough footage of Brittany crying this week to ensure that there is no final challenge, and we can get right to the evaluations. Thanks, Brittany!

First up is Jael. They compliment her on her makeover, but pick up on the fact that she's upset. She looks back at the other girls, who encourage her to tell the judges what's up. She tells them about her friend dying, and cries as she says she doesn't want to turn panel into a place to air her problems, because she's trying to be a professional. Aw! Tyra tells her this is one time that it's perfectly OK to not be a model, and just let go. She asks Jael if she's ready to see her photo, and Jael gathers herself and agrees. Luckily, her "birthday cake" shot is really good, so the judges don't have to dance around not eliminating her the same week her friend died. The judges roundly compliment her, and Jael dedicates the picture to her friend. Hehe. I'm sorry, I don't mean to titter. It's just that when I die, I hope my friends don't choose a picture of themselves pink, naked, and holding ice cream as a way to honor me. Natasha. The judges hate the outfit she's worn to panel, which is a black, spangly tank top, and pink leather pants. It's every bit as tacky as it sounds. The judges seem to like her "gumball" photo at first, but Nigel points out that she's squinty-eyed, which is true. Tyra adds that her film wasn't good in general, and that Natasha overthinks her posing. Natasha's just happy that she's improving.

Felicia. She dances her way up. Heh. Her "lollipop" shot is gorgeous. I don't think Felicia's taken a bad picture yet. She's a sleeper. Of course, that's what I said about Kyle. Whitney. Her "chocolate kiss" shot isn't bad, but the judges point out that she looks a bit stiff and forced, which is true. Tyra tells her that the "uncomfortableness" is in her face. I guess Tyra attends the Jael School of Vocabulary. Brittany. The judges like her makeover, and she tells them that it hurts, though she sounds much more stoic about it now. She does what Tyra calls the Black Girl Pat on her head, to keep it from itching. Reason #4,295,343,234 that I'm glad I'm male. Tyra brings up her challenge win, and cannot come up with a single negative thing to say about her "banana split" shot, which is quite good. Renee looks like she's about to pass a kidney stone. Cassandra. She shakes her afro wildly. Heh. I wish I found Cassandra prettier, because she seems like a nice girl. Her "jelly beans" photo is... Not good. The judges are silent at first. Nigel finally tells her that she's lost her neck, which OJ specifically warned her about. Tyra tells her she needs to practice her posing.

Renee. Her "candy necklace" is okay, but the judges feel like her eyes aren't expressive enough. Dionne. Tyra makes her strip off various items of ugly clothing. Her "candy cane" shot is good, and Twiggy tells her she's one of the few girls who embraced the fun side of the photo shoot. Diana. Boring, boring, boring. Her body language in the picture is off, which makes all the judges think she's uncomfortable in her own skin. Why a bad pose is indicative of "I hate myself" and not "I can't find my balance when I've got one leg in the air and a giant, fake ice cream sundae poking me in the back", I don't know. Tyra asks her why she's introverted in the competition, and Diana just gives her a flat "I don't know" in response. Diana is so dead meat within a week or two. Sarah. Her "hard candy" photo is her best to date. Nigel's pleased to see her finally living up to her potential. Tyra tells all the girls to study how strong Sarah's eyes are in the photo, especially Renee, since weak eyes were her problem. Guess we know who Renee's next target is now. Jaslene. The judges like her "dulce de leche" shot much more than I do. The judges do say that they never see Jaslene act like a model at panel itself. Tyra tells her it's important to bring one's culture to panel, offering examples like "Giiiirl, you look a little hoochie!", as if Tyra grew up in the projects of Detroit. The girls are dismissed.

Commercials. Jeez, McDonald's is really pushing their "gourmet" coffee. You know what McDonald's coffee tastes like? Fast food coffee.

Deliberations. Jael's been through a tragedy, but has taken her best picture yet. Natasha is "still trying to figure it out". Whitney is pretty, but not "model pretty". Dionne is finally separating herself from the pack. Jaslene's personality is flat. Sarah's eyes sell the photo. Renee is flirty. Cassandra doesn't know what to do in front of the camera. Brittany is brilliant. Diana is pretty, but can't use her curves. In one of the oddest criticisms I've ever heard, Felicia is too much of a girl who likes music videos or something.

Elimination. I try to impress LabRat by predicting the order that the girls are called, but don't do very well (though I do peg the bottom two right away). Brittany is safe. Renee looks sour again. Jael is safe. Sarah. Dionne. Felicia. Renee. Whitney. Natasha. Jaslene. Whitney's head drops as she sees her fellow plus-sizer in the bottom two. Will Diana and Cassandra please step forward? Diana is beautiful, but is fading into the background. Cassandra has a great personality, but can't bring the photos. Diana's already crying, as is Whitney, but they needn't be, because Diana gets her photo. She hugs Cassandra, then takes her photo and joins the other girls. Cassandra hugs Tyra and the other girls, who are openly weeping. She goes back to the model pad to pack, and is the third girl in a row to leave with no hard feelings, which I just love. She's disappointed to be leaving so early, and says that she just needs some more practice. Still, she's appreciative of what she got out of the competition. I think that may have been the most mature final interview I've ever heard on this show. You go, Cassandra. Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Getting through a laser security system without setting it off. I'd totally watch America's Next Top Jewel Thief. Renee is a bitch some more. Try to contain your shock.

Overall Grade: B+