America's Next Top Model - Season 8, Episode 1
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Twenty girls with dreams of public catfights and teary confessionals to Tyra were sent home disappointed. Twelve girls made it to the finals, as did an alpaca named Cassandra. Who will be saddled with the shame of being sent home before she's had time to unpack?
The finalists walk down the street for no discernible reason. Sarah thinks she has a leg up on the other girls, because she has experience modeling and because she's a fashion photographer. Jael's not really focusing on the competition, interviewing that she'd like to be everyone's friend. What a sweet, yet entirely unattainable goal. Kathleen interviews that she's never modeled, and wants to use this as a learning experience. Suddenly, a motorcycle pulls up, and the rider's helmet is pulled off to reveal a hideously grinning OJ. My skin crawls about an inch. The girls scream as if they haven't spent the past two days auditioning for him, and the windows in all of the nearby buildings threaten to shatter. OJ tells them that the winner stands among them, and that girl will be a household name and role model. Snerk. Yes, many is the morning families across America meet over the breakfast table and say "Let's all get out there and be as much like Eva as possible!". OJ asks them if they're ready to "make a statement". They all scream their assent. Felicia has one of those nasty tongue studs. It turns out that they're going to get right to the first photo shoot, rather than heading for the model pad. Strange. Renee is confident, as are all the bitches who wind up taking third (or second) place.
Cut to the girls walking into an open room. OJ tells them that the world of fashion is very political, and that they'll be assigned different stances on various issues for today's photo. OK, I can see some nice potential in that. The girls will need to really sell their stance, regardless of whether or not they really agree with it. I don't think I'm giving away too much when I say that offending the girls' political sensibilities is really not much of an issue. OJ tells each of the girls which stance they'll be, which we'll get to in a bit. He then introduces today's photographer. It's Nigel, who attempts to make a dramatic entrance by...riding up in an elevator. I generally adore Nigel, though I certainly wouldn't scream the building down the way the girls do when they see him. Nigel doesn't get a single word in before the girls are hustled upstairs to get ready.
Hair and makeup montage. Ugh, Sutan the Ugly is still around, I see. Kathleen asks the guy who's working on her hair how she should portray her issue (which is anti-fur). She wonders if she should look at the fur as if it stinks. Oh, dear. Renee whips out pictures of her son. I get the feeling we're going to be hearing a lot about that kid over the course of this season. She cries yet again in an interview about how this shows she has much more determination than anyone else. Because nobody in the world has any career ambition for themselves. It has to be on behalf of someone else. Meanwhile, Jael is feeling a bit sick. She coughs, and says that she's got a nagging fever. She thinks it may affect her performance today. Of course, she's still going to give it her all, because who would be stupid enough to beg off a photo shoot for some minor inconvenience? Oh.
Brittany is up first, and her stance is "pro-fur". She looks quite regal, and very good. The scene around her suggests that she's in the front row at a fashion show, and OJ gives her some of his patented unhelpful advice before Nigel gives her the good idea to act like she's at a red carpet event. She interviews that she doesn't really have a problem with fur, but that it's odd to have an animal's head draped down the front of her body. Nigel interviews that Brittany was able to give off the very air of arrogance he was looking for. Up next is Kathleen ("anti-fur"). She's got a weird outfit on, which includes putting her hair back in a white bandana, large, white sunglasses, and a striped, vinyl jacket. The entire ensemble makes her look like one of the extras from the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swinger's Club in Austin Powers. Kathleen explains to us that "anti-fur" means she's supposed to act like she hates fur. Thank you, Kathleen. She doesn't mind fur in real life, though, because it "makes you look hot". Now that's the sort of in-depth, hard-hitting social commentary I was hoping for in this episode! Her photo is her standing stridently over a pile of ruined fur that she continues to attack with a paintbrush. She just stands there stymied, pursing her lips at the camera in what she supposes is a sexy pose. OJ and Nigel attempt to help her out by telling her to be more proactive in her shot, and she has no clue what that means. She does the best she can, but it couldn't be more clear how out of her depth she is. Nigel tells her to go wild in her last few frames, and she snuggles some of the fur up to her face, caressingly it lovingly. Oh, dear. I'd get more enjoyment out of her idiocy if I didn't like her, but she seems sweet, which makes this kind of painful.
Next up is Jaslene ("pro-death penalty"). Wow, she looks much better now that the hair and makeup people have worked on her. For the first time, I can see why she was allowed into the finals. She's wearing some odd kind of sexed-up executioner outfit, and carries a mace. A noose hangs in the background. Is she only supporting the kind of death penalty that would require a time machine? I guess it would be too difficult to stage a good shot of her cradling a hypodermic syringe. She wants to represent all the Latina girls out there. Sarah is next ("life in prison"), and is wearing a castoff jumpsuit from a Cinemax softcore porno movie about women in the slammer. She's handcuffed to an open cell door. She pretty much gives the same facial expression a hundred times, which Nigel isn't thrilled with.
Diana ("pro-gun") looks very Tomb-Raideresque. She shares with us that gun ownership is fine by her, as long as you're responsible about it. I'm sure she'll be praying for a gun after sharing the model pad for a few days. Nigel asks for some action shots, but OJ interviews that she didn't really commit to her photo. That's a shame. It seems like this would be one of the easier ones. Renee ("anti-gun") has a crown of flowers with ribbons attached and a hippie peasant top. She holds a gun with a flower sticking out of the end, but the expression she gives to the camera isn't so much serenity-and-peace as I-want-to-give-this-gun-a-blowjob. Jael ("pro-life") still feels crappy. OJ asks her if she supports her stance, and she says that she believes the exact opposite. The scene is her chained up in front of the door to an abortion clinic. I don't really understand the reasoning behind her Donna Reed dress. OJ tells her to think of something that she would passionately chain herself to a door for. I guess it doesn't work, because her face never shows the amount of emotion and energy OJ and Nigel are looking for. She knows she gave a poor performance, and interviews that she knows she would have done better had she felt well enough to give it more energy, but she doesn't want to make excuses. Then, from out of nowhere, she decides that she might feel better if she hula hoops for a while. Renee joins her (even as she interviews that Jael has no chance in the competition). Sarah wonders if Jael's sickness was a ploy.
Commercials. CariDee gives a wretched read for her "Life As a CoverGirl" ad. And just think, we'll get a new one every week! What a unique brand of torture.
We're back just in time to catch Natasha ("pro-choice") having her belly painted with the words "My Choice". That's literally all the thought that went into her shot. It's just her standing in front of a brick wall. Zzzzz. How would anyone get a good photo out of that, let alone the girl with all the subtlety of a hydrogen bomb? Nigel interviews that she had no concept of where the camera or lights were. Samantha and Whitney ("gay marriage") share a photo. They both look quite lovely, Samantha in a white dress and Whitney in a white, opened version of a tuxedo. Their background is a white piece of paper with a rainbow hurriedly painted onto it. Who designed the sets today? Mrs. Tucker's third grade homeroom? Samantha thinks the shot was tough, because she has a boyfriend. Whitney says that playing college basketball helps with portraying the lesbian scene. Hahahaha! Nice burn. Wait, Whitney plays basketball? No way. Felicia ("straight marriage" -- because they're understandably terrified of doing "anti-gay marriage") talks to Nigel in a fake British accent, and actually fools him, bowling him over when she tells him she's from Houston. She's wearing a wedding dress, and cozies up to a mannequin in a tuxedo, because this photo shoot is so cheapass, they couldn't afford a male model. OJ interviews that she didn't play off the mannequin as much as he wanted. Of course, he could have told Felicia this, but then she might have improved, which would take all the fun out of whining about her.
Dionne ("vegan") has a fairly nifty outfit. It's essentially a bikini made up of fruits and vegetables. Nigel interviews that she should have "taken it to the next level", which is one of those phrases that is meaningless, hence we hear it all the time on this show as a way to criticize models without actually having to come up with pertinent complaints. Cassandra ("pro meat") poses on a table stacked with burgers, salami, etc. It's actually making me quite hungry. Luckily, LabRat should be showing up soon with our pizzas (stacked high with meat, of course). Cassandra doesn't look pretty. I don't think any amount of hair and makeup would help her, like it's helped Jaslene and Natasha. However, she got the one issue stance where looking like a cavewoman could work to her advantage. And she still sucks. OJ says that most of the shots have been pretty weak, but seems to let it go as a natural occurrence of the first photo shoot. I don't know, most of the girls did pretty well at the superhero shoot, which was much more difficult than this.
OJ tells the girls that there's a surprise waiting downstairs for them. This is met with screams, of course. It turns out to be the Monster Humvee, ready and waiting to take them to the model pad. Er, that's not much of a surprise. The inside of the Monster Humvee is tricked out in traditionally tacky glory. This season it looks like a dentist's waiting room. At least it's not pink. Some Tyra Mail lets the girls know where they're headed, and includes a very ornate key. The model pad is gorgeous, as always. There's always got to be a theme, and this season it's that all the rooms are modeled after previous winners. There's Yoanna! And Eva! And Naima! And Nicole! And Danielle! I guess they didn't have time to throw together a CariDee room (which wouldn't have walls on either side, the better to allow the wind to blow right through). And that's all the winners! Yup, all of them! Adrianne? Nope, never heard of her! The girls all love the house. Are there more unnecessary and earsplitting screams? And how. Renee interviews that Jael's crazy, and keeps her fun. This is the same Jael that Renee snottily dismissed as having no chance about ten minutes ago. Jael loves Renee right back. They share a sisterly hug, and even a quick smooch. Uh huh. I sense that this camaraderie will last until the end of time. Whitney sheds tears of happiness. Get it together, ladies.
Clouds pass before the moon, and before you know it, a golden angel greets the morning sun. The girls pass the time by taking pictures of each other doing model poses. Kathleen really likes all the other girls, but says that they each have "their own unique beautifulness", and are all stiff competition. Jaslene interviews that Kathleen is the most outspoken girl in the house. As proof of this, we're shown Kathleen looking at a picture of herself on the digital camera and saying "I look so mad." Yes, that little scene was exactly as pointless as it sounds. Sunset. Was that the whole day? Make these bitches do something! Sarah tells some of the other girls that she wants to shoot pictures for Vogue by the time she's 25. She'd also love to be an actress. Renee interviews that Sarah may be insecure, and that she's full of herself, because she brags so much. I can't really disagree, except it's not like Renee is going to be taking home the Miss Humble crown anytime soon. Renee jumps on Sarah for being unfocused, saying that there are tons of other girls who would love to be in Sarah's spot "for modeling". Yeah, fallback careers are pointless. Just be a model forever! Sarah takes Renee to task for presuming to know why she's here, though she says it to the confessional rather than to Renee. Wimp!
Commercials. I never thought I'd miss actual commercials, but this pseudo-news show is grating on my last nerve.
The girls get some Tyra Mail, and this is met with even more completely pointless shrieking. Give it a rest! The Tyra Mail reads "One woman's trash is another woman's treasure". Kathleen interviews that she knows from this that she'll be having to deal with crap. "Not 'crap' literally, but, like, something that someone threw away." Thank you for reassuring me, Kathleen. I was worried the girls would have to wear a feces bikini. Ew, I just grossed myself out. I guess I should be happy she knows how to use the word "literally" correctly. That's one person down; 250 million to go. It's daytime again. Either the girls have an inordinate amount of free time, or this is being shown all out of sequence. The Monster Humvee drops them at Goodwill, where they're met by Miss J and that intensely annoying man Phillip Bloch, who looks like the reanimated corpse of Vincent Price, and who I'm always seeing pop up on VH1 pop culture shows. He describes the community service that Goodwill provides, and outlines today's challenge. The girls have a scant three minutes to raid the racks and come up with an outfit. Cassandra is nervous. Ready? And...go!
Model stampede. Jael is all about thrift stores, saying she loves clothes that "tell a story". Renee is the exact opposite, saying that there aren't many thrift stores on Maui. Kathleen says that it was no problem; she can rock a thrift shop. Time runs out, and the girls gather in their chosen outfits. Miss J says that there's more to the challenge. The girls will walk a runway right now for a charity fashion show. More screaming. Phillip says that the outfits will be bid on, and the girl who chose the outfit with the highest bid wins the challenge. The prize is that the total amount of money bid will be pooled and donated to Goodwill in the winner's name. That's a nice idea. The girls line up. The audience is about thirty people. The show begins. Damn, Phillip is narrating it. Let's ignore that. Natasha is up first. She didn't do half bad for three minutes. She's wearing a pair of jeans and a striped tank top. She's carrying a white purse, and wearing white high heels. Boring, but presentable. Three-quarters of Kathleen looks fine. She's got a dark gray print top and tight maroon pants. That's all good. Her shoes are a bright salmon color, and clash horribly with her pants. Ick. Renee did a good job, damn it. She looks very clean and casual in a purple tank top with a flowing, blue and cranberry skirt, purple purse, and bright pink shoes.
Dionne looks good. She's got an off-white shirt with dark copper pants. Brittany looks boring. She's wearing a dark vest, black pants, and black shoes. Miss J agrees with me that she needs to do better. Felicia mixes it up with a tan coat with fleece at the collar, cuffs, and inside edge (and nothing underneath it). Good idea. Unfortunately, she matches it with white shorts and purple shoes. Jaslene looks awful. She's got this mass of blue fabric down to her thigh where a bit of white fabric pokes out, and has a white belt. She's thisclose to being Violet Beauregarde right before she turned into a blueberry. Except Violet was way cooler than Jaslene. Diana looks pretty frumpy in a black cardigan that looks like it's been crocheted, and a long pink skirt. Sarah looks like Flasher Barbie in a simple, yet ugly hot pink trenchcoat. Whitney has flared blue jeans, and a gray top open to reveal a red shirt beneath. I don't like it, but at least she matches, which is more than I can say for some of these other girls. Samantha just tossed on a little leopard print dress. Zzzz. A girl in the audience who looks a bit like Penelope Cruz gives Samantha the stink-eye. Jael has on a simple, navy blue tank top and matching skirt, with a bright yellow belt. Her hot pink purse and shoes don't go with the outfit at all. Cassandra looks like Madeline grew up and decided to become a streetwalker.
The girls do a final walk, then gather inside to hear the results. They raised a whopping $286.50 to donate today. Please note the sarcasm of the previous sentence. This is a show that thinks nothing of flying several girls and a camera crew halfway across the world and putting them up in a nice hotel every season. And they're not even giving three hundred bucks to charity? Lame. Phillip hands the marker to sign this ridiculously paltry check over to the winner, who is... Jael. Whatever, charity fashion show audience. Jael's outfit wasn't even in the top three. Renee is bitter in an interview, whining that the only reason that Jael won is that she's a thrift shopper. Yes, and? "It's not even like it's a modeling thing," Renee sniffs. "It's not fair at all." Sure, there are about fourteen ways in which that little snit is pure bullshit, but I don't really feel like going into it. You're smart (unless you're Renee). You can figure it out. Speaking of which, Jael worries that winning the challenge will make the other girls not like her, and Renee has ANOTHER interview (I understand she's this season's bitch, guys, but there are twelve other girls we can talk to) in which she says that Jael trying to be nice won't work, because acting nice isn't "real". Well, it certainly isn't for you, snatch.
Evening. Renee presses her point by actually taking Jael aside and telling her she's annoyed, because Jael acts like everything is okay all the time. She actually feels that Jael being nice and polite to people who may occasionally get on her nerves is "fake", and therefore wrong. Jael responds that she's not trying to force happiness on others, but tells Renee not to impress her own personal feelings onto her (Jael). Awesome. She follows up by telling Renee that she's away from her husband and child, while Jael herself has a completely different situation. Renee looks shocked that different people approach situations in ways that she doesn't. Maybe next week we can get a scientist in to demonstrate how the Earth doesn't physically revolve around her. Every little bit helps.
Tyra Mail. Upcoming elimination. Everyone's nervous. Kathleen tells Jaslene that she thinks she did well at the Goodwill challenge, but doesn't know how things are going to go at panel. She may have an inkling, as she says that the first girl eliminated doesn't really have a chance to do her best. Jaslene just stands there with the most ridiculously ugly hair bow I've ever seen. Kathleen says "like" forty gazillion times. Jaslene tells her to keep her hunger for victory. Kathleen interviews that the judges will be...judging them. Thanks again, Kathleen. You're a font of knowledge tonight. She cries and hugs Jaslene. Sarah is more confident. Meanwhile, Renee and Diana aren't even bothering to talk about the upcoming panel, but just whisper about how annoying the other girls are. I guess everyone can't be the ray of sunshine that Renee is.
Commercials. I miss the days that one-hit wonders were just that, and weren't thrust into our faces in movies and television. Yes, that song about wishing that my girlfriend was hot like you is very catchy, and was pretty entertaining for two weeks. Why you think this would translate into interest about who you're going to hire to be in the group that will have all the career longevity of Vanilla Ice is beyond me.
We enter the Chamber of Doom on a picture of Tyra, painted half red and half blue, sitting in front of a dimmed American flag. It's actually quite a cool shot. Less cool is the hippie biker look Tyra's trying to pull off at panel. The girls enter, and Tyra calls them "Miss Ladies". Please never do that again. Tyra recaps the prizes, which are the same as always (a contract with Elite, a cover and spread in Seventeen, and a $100,000 contract with CoverGirl). The usual judges are back as well. I was hoping they'd realize that Miss J can be a fun novelty once in a while, but stinks on ice as a judge. No such luck. At least the far more articulate Nigel and Twiggy are still present. Tyra tells the girls that while they may not have supported the cause portrayed in their picture, it still has to be fierce.
Up first is Jael. Tyra reminds us all that she won the Goodwill challenge, and asks how that feels. Jael says that she was nervous that it would change things between her and the other girls. Dude, it's not like you even won anything. You just wrote your name on a piece of cardboard. Tyra gets that snide look as she asks Jael if she's going to "dull her shine" to be liked. Jael shrugs that she guesses so, but agrees with Nigel that she's learning to be the best she can. The judges find her pro-life shot generically pretty, but her face has no passion in it. Renee openly smirks in the background. Jael brings up her fever, but more as a reason than an excuse. Tyra's never been good at recognizing the difference between those, and tonight is no exception. Next is Natasha. Her pro-choice shot is the boringest bore that ever bored a bore, but loath as I am to admit it, it's not her fault. The judges give her some crap about her expressionless face. Yeah, Natasha. Next time try to convey the depths of emotion one gets from...standing in front of a brick wall. Dionne. Her vegan shot is quite pretty. Tyra calls it good, but not great. She wants Dionne to show more neck and pose so that her jaw doesn't look so big. Fairly minor complaints, all told. Cassandra. Her pro-meat shot sucks out loud. Her nose takes up, like, half of her face.
Renee. Tyra tells her she looks scared in the anti-gun photo, as well as at panel. Not smirking now, are we, Renee? So OF COURSE Renee brings up her son and chokes up with tears, like he has the slightest thing to do with her photo. She says she knows she can do better. You don't need to defend yourself, Renee. The judges will keep you around for a while to make us all mad, then unceremoniously dump your ass. You'll cry, and we'll all feel a lot better about ourselves and the world. Diana. Her pro-gun shot is really disappointing. The judges call her on her dead eyes, but Nigel softens the blow by saying that she did well at giving him an action shot. Kathleen. Tyra asks her how she feels about fur. Kathleen says that if an animal's alive, you shouldn't kill it to make a fur coat. But hey, if an animal just keels over dead then it's okay. Oh, dear. Tyra asks her how the animal would be dead. "You know, cause animals fight each other in the jungle and the woods." Oh, dear. Twiggy gently explains that the animals used for fur coats aren't exactly the ones who have been clawed to death or run over by beer trucks. Kathleen's anti-fur photo is boring, and Nigel pegs her poor performance on her not really understanding the concept of the shot. She cops to it, and Tyra tells her that if she doesn't get something, then she needs to ask. Really, anyone who doesn't get the anti-fur concept shouldn't be running around loose on the streets. Brittany's pro-fur shot is much more successful. I'll call this the best of the bunch this week. She looks quite haughty and like a genuine patrician in her furs.
Whitney and Samantha. They're asked how they feel about gay marriage. Whitney tries to sound accepting as says she's been "exposed" to gay marriage, but ultimately it comes off like she's talking about a virus. Samantha says that any two people in love should be allowed to get married. Their photo isn't bad, but Nigel tells them they didn't turn their bodies toward the camera as he asked them to do. Whitney's letting her bulky suit swallow her, which allows Samantha's beautiful neck to steal the entire photo. That was an odd criticism. Felicia. Tyra jokingly asks how she feels about the "issue" of straight marriage. Felicia is all about men. Her photo is very good, and the judges like it a lot. Jaslene, who really needs to learn how to dress herself. She actually doesn't look half bad in her death penalty shot. She's looking at the camera in a very strong way, as if she's challenging us to take that mace off of her. The judges like the shot, though Tyra brings up Jaslene losing her fiery personality from out of the blue. Whatever, Tyra. Finally, Sarah. Her life-in-prison shot is bland. Nigel says that she didn't do anything with her face. It's true. Tyra tells her she would have done better to either look sad and resigned or crazier than a shithouse rat. The girls are dismissed.
Commercials. Here are swimsuits that will look good on any body! As long as that body is thin!
Deliberations. Renee has no photographic savvy. Miss J thinks she may crack under pressure. Please, she doesn't even need pressure. She's always two seconds away from cracking. Jaslene is fierce. Felicia has good bone structure. Samantha's got a pretty face, but Tyra's not sure about her personality. Because Nicole was such a witty conversationalist and all-around fun girl. Whitney gets the opposite treatment. Great personality, but disappears in the photo. Miss J loves Brittany. Kathleen is an outright moron. Cassandra doesn't have the "model looks" that Nigel is looking for (read: she's fugly). All the judges can find to say about Dionne involves her weave. Sarah didn't live up to the high expectations the judges had for her. Twiggy finds her midsection strange. Heh, that's a new one. Diana is too deadpan. Natasha is relying too heavily on being pretty. Are we talking about the same Natasha? Tyra spills the fact about Jael being biracial like it's a dirty little secret. Tyra also found it strange that Jael was ambivalent about winning the challenge. That's cause Tyra has raw, naked ambition, and doesn't possess the capability to understand people who are perfectly happy to enjoy their ruts. Not that I'm projecting.
Elimination. Tyra is disappointed in the majority of the shots, saying it's up to the models to be inspiring and entertaining. Well, give them better sets and costumes next time. Jaslene is the first to receive her photo. Brittany. I always giggle now when Tyra tells them that they're "still in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model", because the horrific grammar of that sentence sets Veruca's teeth on edge, and I always hear her rant against it in my head. Personally, I hate "the next name that I'm going to call" much more. Felicia is safe. Diana. Samantha. Cassandra. Renee. She cries, of course. Sarah. Dionne. Whitney. Natasha. Will Kathleen and Jael please step forward? Blah blah loser goes home. Kathleen has a bright spirit, but is dumb. Jael has a great personality, but is "afraid to succeed". But she won the challenge, so she gets her photo. She turns and hugs Kathleen. Renee makes a snotty, dismissive face, which I'm really going to have to come up with a shortcut for, since it happens every forty seconds. Kathleen thanks Tyra and hugs her. She bids the other girls farewell. In her final interview, she says that she's sad, because she feels she didn't really get a proper chance to compete. Her lack of bitterness is refreshing. She's glad that Tyra saw potential in her, and promises to go home and work hard. Aw, I like her. She just needs to hit the books, hardcore. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Back to high school! Marching bands are involved. Jaslene sucks at something and cries.
Overall Grade: B-
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