The Girl Who Won't Stop Talking - Part 1

America's Next Top Model - Season 8 Casting Special

Previously on America's Next Top Model: CariDee. Bleh. This show and I have had a tumultuous history, and I believe the only season I've been able to commit to the entire way through was the first one. That doesn't bode well, but I'll just have to see how it goes. The first hour of the two-hour premiere is generally the part where the semi-finalists are whittled down into the final thirteen, who get to move into the model pad and actually compete. This season is no exception. The first hour is also generally annoying, boring, and pointless, since the names of the final thirteen are publically available way before the episode airs. This season is no exception. Therefore, you'll forgive me if I coast through the more mind-numbing parts.

We open, as we are wont to do, with a gazillion pictures of Tyra. She voices-over that she's been a model for more than half her life. Well, no wonder she's so qualified to have a talk show and discuss deep and controversial issues. She says it's been her dream to pass on the torch of modeling to girls across America. Because Nicole's doing so well these days. Who? Exactly. She does give us some interesting factoids, namely that the show is broadcast in over 110 countries, and that Heidi Klum hosts the German version. That Heidi sure keeps herself busy! We're told the competition back home is getting stiffer than ever, but judging from the stupid audition videos shown here, it doesn't seem all that bad. 33 girls have made it to the semi-finals, and have been flown to Los Angeles. Who will make it to the final thirteen?!?!?! Hmm, could it be these girls? A few of the semi-finalists shake hands at the airport. I fail to be bowled over by their beauty. Natasha is from Texas, but was born in Russia. She's not pretty. Jaslene tried out last season. She's not pretty.

The girls are packed into a van, but instead of being thrown down a well and being told to put lotion on their skin, they're driven to a military post of sorts. I feel sorry for the poor guys who signed up to serve their country, and instead are serving as a backdrop for a silly reality show. The Jays approach in a jeep, and we get our first of the traditional obnoxious squeals from the girls. Can't say I missed those. Natasha says that "all of a sudden -- oh, my God -- I see Jays coming, and I'm screaming". I admit that that would be my reaction too, though we'd probably be screaming for different reasons. A girl named Jessica admires Miss Jay's tight, lithe body. That's sweet of you, Jessica, but I doubt he's interested. OJ is as annoying as ever as he "welcomes" the girls to "model boot camp". Well, it's a better theme than twirling twins, anyway. The Jays yell at the girls about not knowing about designers or whatever, then give them two minutes to change into their boot camp outfits.

Model stampede. I always enjoy those. We meet Renee, who in an impressive move, gets herself on the shitlist immediately by interviewing that she's got this competition in the bag, because her first impression of the other girls is that they don't have the character and determination that she has. Odd that she's able to assess the character and determination of people she hasn't spoken to, but let's not delve too deeply into her psyche. We may never find our way back out. The girls jog out in their outfits (camo pants and white tank tops), and OJ tells them that they'll be kicking things off with a posing competition, and that their knowledge will be tested. Miss Jay tells the girls to strike a "fashion mad [i.e., angry]" pose. The girls limply attempt "anger" and land closer to "mild consternation". OJ makes a fugly girl named Jael do some pushups. To her credit, she does them cheerfully, and melodramatically interviews that they're just modeling; not curing cancer. Okay, she may be fugly, but she seems cool. OJ asks the girls for a concave-back-Richard-Avedon-couture pose. The girls are all "Um...I understand the word pose, anyway!". OJ asks if any of them know who Richard Avedon is. A girl named Sarah effortlessly rattles off the fact that he is [or more accurately -- was] an influential photographer. OJ is impressed, has Sarah step forward, and pins a little medal on her tank top. A whiny girl named Bethany lives up to that description by whining that Sarah only won the challenge because she knew the answer to OJ's question. She says it's "bull" that Sarah won, which is kind of like saying that the only reason the other baseball team managed to beat you is because they scored more runs. Man, what bullshit!

Later. The girls are told to strike a "model pose" for a Polaroid shot, and have their measurements taken. This is one of those boring segments I'm glossing over. There are two plus-size models present, Whitney and Diana, both of whom are cute (though I'm giving the edge to Whitney). Marching. Chanting. That dispensed with, Tyra suddenly dances in with a college step squad. What does a step squad have to do with boot camp? Um... I'll get back to you on that. The girls dutifully squeal. Tyra talks to hear herself talk for a while, then dances off. This actually brings tears to fucking Renee's eyes. I wonder if there will be a scene with Renee that doesn't make me want to break a loaf of French bread on her forehead.

Commercials. LabRat loves this commercial with the lady beating the crap out of that guy in the supermarket line because she thinks he's staring at her ass.

And we're back. We're treated to a subtitle that reads "Los Angeles, CA", in case we thought the competition magically moved to another city over the commercial break. Yuck, it's time for the panel interviews, which always suck. Now, I would never normally pass instant judgment on someone's looks, but I'm going to here, for two reasons. First of all, it's a modeling competition. Beauty should enter into it, yes? Secondly, I need to mention how pretty some of these girls are to underscore my confusion at some of the Pound Puppies they let into the finals. Let's zoom through them! The girls enter a hotel. Farrah is quite pretty. The first panel interview is Kathleen, who runs into the room screaming. Good God, I hate that. She's got a big, fake, poofy, red afro. Kathleen is very plain, which sounds like an insult, but compared to some of these other chicks, "plain" is nothing to sniff at. She does have nice boobs. Nothing she says is worth revisiting. Next is Sarah (the one who "unfairly" won the posing challenge at boot camp). She's blond, waifish, and fairly cute, though her outfit is ugly. She's already a fashion photographer. It seems like she's got a good head on her shoulders, which is always refreshing on this show.

OK, I take back what I just said about Sarah's outfit being ugly, because this outfit takes the cake. Even Jeffrey would be ashamed to send this trash down the runway. The girl wearing it is Cassandra, who needs to be a model like I need to be starting defensive tackle for the Rams. Her nose is enormous and she's got a wig sewn onto her head, and to make a long story short (too late!), she's a mess from top to bottom. Heather is a very cute blonde, whose father was a boot camp instructor. She demonstrates the patter by impressively yelling at the Jays. Well done, Heather. She interviews that she can take criticism and react to it in a positive way. I like her. Brittany's interview is boring, but she's attractive. She sort of looks like Elyse in a roundabout kind of way. Natasha the Russian enters. I tried to give it some time to adjust to her, but no. The Venn diagram circles of "Natasha" and "pretty" simply do not intersect at any point. She came over to America when she got married. At age eighteen. To a forty-year-old. But it's true love!

Interstitial hotel segment. Kathleen accidentally flashes her boobs to the other girls. Sarah brags about doing a fashion show while wearing large heels. Natasha argues over the brand the heels were, as if a) she were present and b) it matters in the least. Shut up, Natasha. Proving that it's not only American reality show contestants who have an appalling lack of self-awareness, she refers to some of the other girls (presumably meaning Sarah) as "masculine". Dude, Natasha's dick fell off about ten minutes ago.

Commercials. I like this series of misunderstanding-through-dropped-call ads, but it's one of those problems that's so overblown in the advertising world. Nobody I know really has an issue with dropped calls, regardless of what plan they have.

Natasha admits her child bride status to the other girls, and then it's back to the panel interviews. Micheline has jet black hair and a bunch of tattoos. Her dream is to show that someone who looks like her can be a successful model. I don't see it happening. Not on this show, anyway. She seems like a nice girl and everything, but her tattoos are essentially the only thing keeping her from being entirely forgettable. Samantha is pretty. She's vaguely Natalie Portman-ish. Melissa is not in the least bit pretty, and is your basic Bronx hoochie stereotype. Dionne is much better looking, though she babbles on endlessly. Montage of girls we know have no chance. Natalie loved Audrey Hepburn in Dinner at Tiffany's. She quickly "corrects" herself to say she means Lunch at Tiffany's. Oy. Dionne talks some more. Ladies and gentlemen, our titular girl. Well done, Dionne. Turns out she's studying dentistry, so good for her. We hear again about Jaslene's unsuccessful audition last season. There was good reason she didn't make it in last time. She's not pretty. And like the other unattractive girls, her odd features aren't fashionable (like Grace was); she's just plain unattractive.

Jessica is completely normal-looking and normal-acting, so this is naturally the last time we'll see her until she gets eliminated. Renee has a seven-month-old baby, and Tyra points out how wonderful Renee's stomach looks for giving birth such a short time ago. It's true, so enjoy your one and only compliment this evening, Renee: well done on losing the baby weight. She cries again in interview, talking about how much better a life she's going to carve out for her child by abandoning him for a while to be on this show. Let's not even attempt to dissect that rationale. She "takes no prisoners", but claims she's not a complete bitch. I'm willing to take her word for it. I'm sure she's only 97% bitch.

Interstitial hotel segment. Natasha chides the other girls for burping. Natasha is fast approaching Renee in the Desperately Needs to Shut Up race, and may even pass her soon. The two of them hate each other, of course, because assholes often have to compete for attention.

Commercials. Almost the entire break is taken up by some odd, pseudo-news segment about spring vacation. Weird.

Whitney comes in for her panel interview, and almost pops out of her top a few times. She says that Dartmouth was an all-white school when she entered as a freshman, which I have an extremely hard time believing, but don't care enough to research. She makes an impressively assertive stand for plus-size models, and I think she's quite pretty. Jael is next. She's still fugly, and on a personal note, I can't stand nose rings. Plus, her outfit is hideous. Those complaints aside, I enjoy her personality. She's very laid-back, and she has a healthy attitude about being biracial. Next up is Diana, the other plus-size model. She thinks it would make a good statement to have a plus-size girl win. I agree. Let's give the crown to Whitney right now! Oops, that's probably not what Diana meant. She hopes that being a bit bigger means that the other girls won't even view her as serious competition until it's too late for them. Heh, she seems pretty cool. Next is Felicia, who's fairly boring. She's not super-pretty or super-ugly or super-nice or super-bitchy or super-anything.

Interstitial hotel segment. Whiny Bethany wonders who the plus-size models are. Sarah says that it's someone who's size 12-14. Kathleen interviews that Diana and Whitney could be serious competition, and most of the girls don't realize it. Well, there goes Diana's strategy. The girls fret over the first elimination. And here it is! The girls will be whittled from 33 to 20, via the usual method of finding their pictures. These pictures will be in a gift bag, inviting the chosen 20 to a fashion party, which they'll need to get dressed for right away. Micheline says that she quit her job to come audition, so she's taking a real risk. Will that risk pay off? Here's a hint: No. OJ says that they'll have their pictures taken at the party. The girls shriek in anticipation. Ready?

Model stampede! Whiny Bethany. Lauren (who?). Kathleen. Gelecia. Is that some sort of nutritional supplement? Sarah. Dionne. Heather. Chelsea (who?). Samantha. Felicia. Brittany. Natasha. Cassandra. Hannah (who?). Melissa. Jaslene. Renee. Diana. Whitney. Jael. That's twenty, so it looks like Micheline will need to start job hunting tomorrow. She wants to go punch Jael for some reason. Jessica pretends that she's above the whole thing. Yeah, she didn't want to win anyway. Whiny Bethany says she feels bad for the girls who didn't make it, but that this is a competition, and if the girls couldn't cut it, she's glad to see them go. Healthy attitude, Whiny Bethany. Keep that in mind for when seven more girls are cut later.

"Fashion" "party". The girls get their pictures taken with G-list celebrities. Whitney realizes how important this photo may be in the next elimination. Natasha dances hoochily. Kathleen disapproves. Wow, that's quite a role reversal from twenty minutes ago, when Natasha was all steamed up about Kathleen wanting to burp. Diana wonders if Tyra will let two plus-size models into the competition. The girls have fun, but they're all on edge about who will make it to the finals.

Commercials. Is it because of Lent that I'm seeing all these annoying fast food fish sandwich commercials lately? I don't care what God you worship -- nobody needs to be eating the fish from McDonald's.

Boring deliberations. OJ thinks Whitney will "serve it up" over Diana. Whiny Bethany poses like a hooker. Kathleen's party picture is awesome. Samantha has a nice, devilish look about her, much like a young Janice Dickinson. The Jays love Sarah. Jaslene looks ridiculous (in my opinion, not theirs). Tyra's wig looks even more fake than usual (ditto).

Elimination. This takes place out on the lawn for some reason. Tyra tells the girls that this part never gets easier. Well, judging by this kennel club, it should be. Legitimately attractive girls like Farrah have already been eliminated so clockstoppers like Melissa could advance. Time to announce the finalists. First is Natasha. Ugh. Kathleen. Sarah. She's the first to be pleased without feeling the need to shriek like a damn banshee, so a point to her for that. Cassandra. Whaaa? Renee. Well, she sucks, but at least she's pretty. Samantha. Yay! Dionne. Yay! Whitney. Yay! Brittany. Yay! Felicia. Jael. Jaslene. Pass the crack, Tyra. One name left. And that name is...Diana. Whew. So that means girls like Heather and Lauren, who are just adorable, are now cut to make room for Cassandra, who looks like she stuck her face in a blender. Oh, well. At least Melissa got axed. Unfortunately, we don't get to hear what Whiny Bethany thinks about the girls who got cut, now that she's one of them. The finalists dance happily. They're charged up. The Back to the Future photo fades into existence girl by girl. Even professional hair and makeup can't salvage Cassandra's picture.

In the next hour of America's Next Top Model: The first photo shoot. Moving into the model pad. Renee sets about making enemies, as you knew she would. Someone gets eliminated.

Overall Grade: B