The Girl Who Picks A Fight

America's Next Top Model - Season 8, Episode 9

Previously on America's Next Top Model: The entire season. Want to relive it? Me too! Yes, it has come time for the clip show, the better to illuminate the moments of the season that we've only seen five thousand times before, thanks to the sepia-toned flashbacks. [As in seasons past, if I'm glossing over something in a previous episode, it will be in square brackets.]

As usual, we open on a gazillion shots of Tyra, as she talks about how difficult it is to be a model. My heart fails to swell with sympathy and admiration. Shots of girls from previous seasons. Aw, I miss Toccara. Aw, I don't miss Nicole. There are bits of this season's girls in their audition videos, and the thirty-three semi-finalists arrive in Los Angeles. Now that I'm used to the makeovers, it's always such a jarring experience going back and seeing what the girls looked like before. [Model boot camp. One-on-one interviews. Thirteen girls made it to the show proper, including two plus-size models.] Not that either one of them is going to go on and win the season, but let's not step on Tyra's moment of being all proud of herself for allowing people over a size two to dream of modeling success. Only five girls are left: Brittany, Dionne, Natasha, Jaslene, and Renee. If I had to guess who's going to win this season right now, I'd go for Jaslene. Not that I like her that much, or think she deserves it. I just think Tyra wants to be able to say she's picked a Latina winner. You know how she likes to embrace diversity, credentials be damned. Also in this segment, we get a preview of a screaming match between Dionne and Renee.

Opening credits. LabRat: "So, nobody's getting eliminated tonight?" Limecrete: "No." LabRat: "That's stupid."

Los Angeles. [The girls went straight to their first photo shoot -- the one where they were asked to "take a stand" on controversial topics, including their right to...stand around in front of doors and walls. Felicia did well. Natasha and Kathleen sucked. The girls freaked out over the model pad.] Since the pad came equipped with a runway, the girls decided to stage a mock fashion show. All the participants had to dress and act like one of the others. Cassandra puts on whiteface and affects a cartoonish Russian accent. Natasha puts on a giant afro, and plumps out her booty. Kathleen puts on preppy WASP clothes. Sarah punks herself out. Whitney is the announcer, and naturally speaks into a hairbrush microphone. As you do. The "judges" are Jael, Felicia, and Samantha, whose impression of Mischa Barton is sitting around with ridiculously oversized sunglasses, looking skinny, bored, and talentless. In other words, she's dead-on. Jaslene flames around in a Vegas showgirl outfit.

Let's start the show. Sarah is boring. Natasha is rather awesomely horrible. Jael asks her how many letters there are in the alphabet. "Eet depends ahn mai muud," Natasha snorts. And now, here comes Cassandra (or "Ivonika" in the mock fashion show) to steal the entire thing. She comes out with her powdered face and short blond wig and yells in her thick Russian accent. "I'm Ivonika. Ears open, mouth shut." She commands the judges to tell her what they think of her outfit. Felicia is petrified of her. Hehe. "You will bow down to me! I am from Russia!" Dionne grins. Renee looks bored. Kathleen affects a valley girl accent. Fake judging time. It looks like Natasha and Cassandra are the finalists, but Felicia tells them that neither of them wins, and they'll be paid not to take the contract because they suck so hard. Cassandra bellows "I am from Russia! I am out of here!" There's a hilarious fake Back to the Future fadeout. [The real judging was less cheery. Tyra tried to pawn a crappy photo shoot concept off onto the girls. Kathleen was eliminated.]

Back at the model pad, Jael puts on a long wig (think Alanis Morissette in her unwashed, angry days), and flits around with red, glittery pom-poms. She corners the other girls and shakes the pom-poms in their faces, even whapping Renee on the head. Awesome. Renee interviews that Jael is like a female Kramer. Presumably without the raging racism. Jael doesn't let up on her pom-pom attack, and Renee yells at her to stop. Jael won't leave Renee alone, and Renee calls her a hemorrhoid. "You can't get rid of me," Jael stage whispers. Afraid that having Jael as a roommate would suck (which it probably would -- let's be honest), Renee switched bedrooms. Upon learning of this, Jael got upset. Renee calmly tells her that she just needs her space, and Jael says she wishes Renee would have said something. Which she did, and Jael ignored. Jael rather angrily asks why Renee would move her stuff out. "So I can get some more sleep," Renee says. Jael doesn't really have a response to that. A second preview of the Dionne/Renee fight.

Commercials. Nair would like you to know that the main difference between this era and the '70s is that people dance a lot sluttier now.

[Miss J tested the girls on their walks and taught them some choreography for the prom runway show challenge at the high school. Jaslene was overconfident. Sarah's non-boobs popped out. Jaslene was called out as the worst of the challenge, and the fading of her smug smile still brings me great joy. Back at the pad, Felicia indulges in some idle (and true) gossip that tension is running high because Jaslene isn't at the top of the pack anymore. Jaslene heard her and (sort of) confronted Felicia about it.] Later, Jaslene is still upset, and tells the other girls that she would never be so phony as to smile at you, then talk about you behind your back later. She's very blunt, and will tell you "out loud". Yeah, Jaslene will stab you in the front, not the back. Isn't she a nice person? She interviews that she needs to keep her "guards" up at all times.

Later, the girls go out for a picnic at a park with a playground. It looks fun. Jaslene unloads all her problems (while still managing to brag) to Cassandra, who sits there nodding like a good sport. Cassandra interviews that she likes Jaslene, because she's "deeper than just what you see on the surface". I'm going to need some proof of that. Renee misses her kid, and would "give anything" to be able to take him to the park right now. The melodrama! It burns! Samantha complains in an interview about how Renee is always going on and on about her baby. [High school "cliche" photo shoot.] Natasha's stylist burns her with the curling iron. Ouch! OJ drama queens that it could be a third-degree burn (it's not), and Natasha interviews that she still needs to do well at the photo shoot. [Which she didn't. Samantha had trouble acting like a slut, and was eliminated for it.]

Montage of Jael working the hula hoop. She's really very good at it, doing some tricks and being able to dance around while keeping it circling. I can't keep those things up for more than a couple of seconds. [Makeovers. The Weave That Destroyed Tokyo took up residence on Brittany's head. Jael's weave took eight hours, and was ripped out four seconds later. Brittany had the nerve to be upset that she was in constant pain, and Whitney gave her a stern lecture about how tears are only appropriate when a loved one is cut down by gunfire. Renee and Diana gossiped about Brittany, so Brittany and Renee got into a fight. Ice cream photo shoot.] Cassandra's hand goes numb from the ice cream she's holding, but she soldiers through the photo shoot anyway. Once she's done, the pain doesn't go away, and she winds up needing a trip to the ER. It turns out she's got frostbite. Ouch! There's nothing to be done but sit around and wait for the skin to heal. And since this is truly the Season of Disaster, a toothache strikes Natasha at about the same time. She heads for the dentist, and it turns out her wisdom tooth has a large cavity, and needs to be extracted. At this point I turn away from the television, but can guess what's being shown by the revulsion on LabRat's face. [Cassandra got eliminated, which the photo supports, but is still kind of an asshole move to pull in the same week that she gamely participated in a shoot that sent her to the hospital.] A third preview of the Dionne/Renee fight. At this point, it's been hyped so much that anything less than one of them biting off a chunk of the other one's ear will be a letdown.

Commercials. Big honking cars are apparently a design inspiration for women's clothing designers. Because the two have so much in common.

In the Accusing Parlor, Brittany and Renee chat about nothing in particular. Out of nowhere, Dionne basically accuses them (it ain't called the Accusing Parlor for nothing) of being phony, because they were fighting before, and now they're all buddy-buddy. "Just because you don't hold a grudge doesn't mean that you're fake," Renee says. Dionne tells them it just seems like the two of them aren't acting "real". Jeez, these girls sure put a lot of stock in acting "real". The entire basis of etiquette is knowing when it's appropriate to sublimate your own feelings. I have no idea where the concept that you must express every emotion you have at every moment you have it came from, but I'm not a fan. Dionne actually starts yelling, and where on Earth is this coming from? What the hell does it even have to do with her? Renee, still fairly calm at this point, tells her that if she has a fight with Brittany, and they're able to work through it, why shouldn't they be nice to each other from then on? And really...DUH. Dionne predicts that they'll be at each other's throats again within a couple of days. Renee doesn't see what that has to do with them being "fake", and Dionne gets up and walks over to scream in Renee's face. Renee stands up and screams right back. Felicia separates them. Brittany makes her first contribution as she wonders what the original fight has to do with Dionne at all. THANK YOU. Dionne keeps screaming about them being fake or whatever, and Renee and Brittany just shrug at each other and shake their heads, like, "There's no reasoning with the insane."

Wait, was that the whole fight? Ripoff! I was wondering for a while why they didn't include that in the actual episode, but I guess they were still working the Renee-as-bitch and Dionne-as-scrappy-go-getter angle at that point, and making the former look reasonable and the latter like a mental patient would have screwed with the story arcs. [Posing lesson with Benny Ninja. Bank laser challenge, which Whitney won. Crime scene photo shoot. Felicia looked too dead, and got eliminated.] In another scene that could never be shown because it makes Renee look good, she and Natasha clean the horribly disgusting bathroom in which the other girls have left dirt, trash, and chunks of hair. Eeeeeew. People are always beating up on men for being dirty and gross, but I have to say, I have had to clean restrooms at the restaurants I cater at, and the women's room is always worse. ALWAYS. Jael passes through and asks what they're doing. Renee whispers to Natasha "This is called 'cleaning'. This is how you do it." Hehe. Renee leaves a note telling the other girls that if they don't have a friend in the house, they should make all-purpose cleaner their best friend. They show a shot of the cleanser bottle, and add a twinkle and a "ding!" for good measure. Renee realizes the note may be a bit snide but leaves it up, even as she bemoans having no friends in the pad. [Drag king photo shoot. Natasha cracked people up with her faux hip-hop attitude. Diana was boring, and got eliminated.]

Commercials. If I'm going to entrust my safety to a security guard, it's definitely going to be the one who spends half his shift looking at his picture phone, and the other half asleep.

[The girls got ready for their swanky party. Renee started her love affair with head scarves. Jael acted nutty. Renee slagged her to Nicole Richie, who gleefully sowed discord. Back at the pad, Jael and Renee got into a fight. Composite photo shoot. Sarah's shots were posed and unnatural, and she got eliminated.] Later, the girls met with Tia Mowry, and had an acting challenge we haven't seen yet. They had to put on a fake judging panel, with Whitney and Brittany as the "bottom two". Jael is Twiggy, and does a horrendous British accent that causes Tia's face to crinkle in pain. Jaslene is Miss J. Makes sense. Natasha is Tyra, and does the "I'm sensitive and caring" bit Tyra's so fond of, while managing to incorporate the phrase "brown sisters". Tia's eyes bug out of her head. We don't see much of Dionne's Nigel, but Renee is impressively self-satisfied as OJ. Brittany and Whitney are fake double-eliminated. [Acting challenge with Efren Ramirez. Renee won, and chose Dionne to share in the reward. Dionne's confusion makes a little more sense now, in light of the fight in the Accusing Parlor. The prize was crappy T-shirts, followed by a visit from their families.] Jael has fun playing with Dionne's daughter and Renee's son. Renee is happy that her kid's having such a good time.

[Classic Top Model moments photo shoot.] Bre takes the opportunity to make amends with Kim over their whole fight they had. She says the stress of the competition made them enemies, and if they had met in different circumstances, they'd be best friends. Kim has already let go of all this, and tells Bre that her apology is totally accepted. Bre drifts off into nostalgia about the good times they had. [Dionne had trouble portraying a "freaking lesbo". I'm still not happy about that. She was able to relax, so my love for her is merely tarnished, rather than destroyed. Whitney's personality could no longer save her from crappy photos, and she got eliminated.]

Commercials. Only in the Land of Commercials do people prefer diet soda over ice cream.

[April from Season 2 dropped by to go over interviewing skills. The girls learned they were going to Australia. Natasha drove a poor, defenseless kangaroo to insanity with the pitch of her squeals. The girls went to Sydney and interviewed some locals.] Renee forces a lot of people into acting like chickens. [Australian accent CoverGirl commercial. Brittany's Memory Issue -- #8. One wonders how she breezed through the acting challenge the week before. Jael wasn't easy, breezy, or beautiful enough, and she got eliminated.] Now, five girls remain. Jaslene, the "spicy Latina" from Chicago, Illinois. Didn't the obligation to use "spicy" to describe every single Latino/a person in the world expire a couple of years ago? I don't miss it. Natasha, the "ever-enthusiastic Russian with the infectious smile." Heh. I like that "ever-enthusiastic". It's like "she sucks, but she certainly commits, doesn't she?". Dionne, the "sassy stunner" from Montgomery, Alabama. Brittany, the "photogenic beauty" from Savannah, Georgia. And Renee, the "sexy mommy" from Maui, Hawaii. Who will become America's Next Top Model? Only a Natasha win would send me into paroxysms of rage, so I'm liking my odds.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: More Opera House shots. The girls go on go-sees. Brittany freaks the fuck out.

Overall Grade: B-