The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model

America's Next Top Model - Season 8, Episode 12

Previously on America's Next Top Model: In the narrow sense? Dionne failed to live up to Tyra's standards of egotism and megalomania, and got eliminated. In the grand sense? Model stampedes. Prom dresses. Laser beams. Aboriginal dances. Fake boot camp. Photo shoots. Temper tantrums. Getting thrown into a swimming pool. Tonight, one of the girls will be America's Next Top Model -- for all of fifteen minutes before we forget about her and move on to the next batch of wannabes. Tyra may have left that last part off. Will it be Natasha, the Russian "beauty and mom" who started off horrible and...improved? It's hard to type what Tyra says about her because it's all such horseshit. I never noticed Samantha's face upon being eliminated, and it's a really funny "Awww....damn it!" expression. Will it be Jaslene, the Latin "spitfire"? Her pictures have been consistently good, but her energetic personality has "faded away" in front of the judges. Will it be Renee, the "sunny mother" from Hawaii? Sunny mother? Whatever. She takes amazing photos, but aggravated the hell out of her competitors. After solving that problem, the judges decided that she photographs too old. You should probably just assume that every time Renee is on-screen from here on out, someone is saying she looks too old. You'll be right more often than not.

Opening credits. Oh, please not Natasha. Oh, please not Natasha. Oh, please not Natasha.

Opera House -- #30. We launch right into the traditional final three challenge: a beauty shot and commercial for CoverGirl. The girls stream in, and OJ tells them the eventual winner's print ad will appear in a "real" magazine. As opposed to all those fake ones floating around. Renee interviews that she's always wanted to be a CoverGirl, even owning up to an embarrassing memory of her and her sisters practicing the CoverGirl wink. She demonstrates a couple of times, and the editors throw in some sparkles and a "ding!". Hehe. Blah blah product placement crap. For the commercial, Renee will be out on a boat, Jaslene will be at a "red carpet" event, and Natasha will be "backstage at a photo studio". Instead of there being a script, the girls will just be ad libbing. Renee grins, probably thinking about how weak a grasp her two competitors have on English. OJ brings in Jim, who will be photographing the beauty shot. And that's not all he brings in. Sigh. Yes, let's bring in today's coach -- CariDee, who undeservedly won last cycle, and who is burning up the fashion and advertising industries with her high profile modeling gigs. Hahahaha! Just kidding, of course. She advises the girls not to overthink their photos. CariDee couldn't overthink something if her life depended on it. That's the extent of her "coaching" for now, and the girls go in to hair and makeup.

Hair and makeup montage. I think I see Neeko working on Renee's hair. I wouldn't let him near me with a ten-foot curling iron after the Weave That Destroyed Tokyo. CariDee tells Renee that the competition is easy, compared to what comes after it. Yes, I imagine that the contractual obligations of one Seventeen cover and a series of ads aimed at pretending she has a legitimate modeling career are so trying. CariDee interviews that she was happy to give the girls such helpful advice. My eyes roll out of my head and into the kitchen. A guy named Brent, who represents CoverGirl, is also hanging around, so the girls are under some added pressure today. Natasha interviews (Opera House -- #31) about how nerve-wracking this all is. OJ tells Natasha that while there isn't a script for the ad, there are a few lines that she has to land. I'm not going to go into them; it's just some blather about cosmetics. Natasha writes her own sort of script around the lines. She shoots her ad, and OJ interviews that it sounded like she was reciting a grocery list. He goes and tells her that she needs to have more spontaneity. She nods, visibly thinking "Spon-ta-what-ity?". She gives it another go, and suuuuuuuuuuucks. OJ and Brent disagree, thinking she did much better. Looks like that voodoo spell Natasha's cast on the judges is still holding strong.

Renee practices some "aren't I cute and pretty?" faces in the mirror. She's taken out into the harbor (Opera House -- #32) for her ad. She feels strange having to make up her lines, and starts out talking about how she thought her life was over after she had her baby. Hehe. OJ puts the kibosh on that, saying she should probably stick to talking about things in a more positive light. After that note, she starts doing much better. She sounds relaxed and delivers her prepared lines smoothly, having no trouble incorporating them into her patter. OJ and Brent are blown away. I only counted the Opera House once up there, but it's shown about forty times during this segment. Jaslene steps out onto her dinky red carpet, then gets back into a car for the actual shoot. As with her Australian ad, she furrows her brow a lot, and sounds very stiff when she gives her lines. OJ tells her to give it more energy (more cha-cha-diva, if you will), and she seems to improve after that. OJ and Brent still look disappointed until Jaslene whips out a little Spanish. You can almost see the dollar signs in their eyes. Hooray! Another ethnic group we can trick into spending millions of dollars on useless goo!

Time for the print ad. CariDee "teaches" Natasha some posing tricks to elongate her neck. Ready for the secret? Lift your chin up. Wow, who could have ever cracked that code? Jim starts taking pictures of Natasha, who angles her face around wildly, I guess in order to give a variety of poses to choose from. She begins giggling, and Jim interviews that she has a lot of trouble smiling naturally, so she almost has to laugh in order to get a real smile out. I have it freeze-framed on Natasha smiling right now, and HOW DID SHE GET TO THE FINAL THREE? SHE'S NOT PRETTY. Jaslene is up next. She looks good. She also interviews about the difficulties of holding a smile. She has to work her facial muscles around a bit to keep them from getting tired. Renee. She looks good. Jim interviews as much, but throws in the omnipresent "but" about her looking too old.

Evening. Opera House -- #33. The girls get some Tyra Mail about the upcoming elimination. Renee has no idea how the judging will go, but hopes Natasha won't go through to the runway show, because she walks like "a pigeon-toed duck with a piece of poop hanging out of her ass." Ha! That was awesomely bitchy and awesomely true. Natasha thinks Jaslene may be the one to get eliminated. Jaslene doesn't offer any predictions, knowing how arbitrary the judging is. And how, as we'll see in a moment.

Commercials. I don't understand why, of all products out there, chewing gum is the one with the wackiest-ass commercials.

Opera House -- #34. Chamber of Doom. Tyra welcomes the final three. The judges are introduced. Tonight's guest judges are designers for an Australian clothing company, whose clothing will be modeled by the final two girls in a runway show. Evaluations. First up is Natasha. We see her "best take", and it's going to take some fancy tap dancing to get around the fact that it's execrable. You can barely understand a word she's saying, and the speech. Is halted. In weird places, which. Makes the syntax all wrong. Her prepared lines are hollow. She overacts. Short of her vomiting mid-take, she'd be hard-pressed to do a worse job on this. Let's get to the avalanche of bullshit excuses that the judges put forth to avoid eliminating her! Tyra says that she at least delivered her prepared lines well. BZZT! Liar! Twiggy says that she can't imagine how hard it is for Natasha to ad-lib in English. So what are you going to do, put a little disclaimer at the bottom of her commercials? "Viewer: We know she sucks, but give her a break. English is her second language. Buy our makeup!" Nigel says that she's endearing and lovely, and her imperfections are what make her beautiful. Arrgh. She sucked. Deal with it. I don't remember you all being so kind over Jael's imperfections. Natasha's beauty shot is a nose. Sure, there's a face surrounding that nose, but every time I try to focus on any aspect, from eyebrows to hair, my eyes are drawn back to that big ol' honker. Twiggy doesn't think it's the strongest picture Natasha's ever taken, but Nigel loves it. Bleh.

Jaslene. Her commercial is almost as bad as Natasha's. She's got the same awkward patter and clipped speech, plus that furrowed brow. Tyra tells her that throwing in a bit of Spanish was genius, but her pauses were terrible. Her beauty shot looks quite nice. Plus, her smile shows another side to Jaslene than the usual face she gives in photos, which is just what the judges have been looking for. Tyra somehow magically senses that Jaslene is a little less comfortable being commercial than editorial, and that's something she'll have to work on. Why yes, this is the exact opposite point to the one she pressed with Renee a couple of weeks ago. Nice catch. Renee. The take they show of her commercial is weird, because they don't show any of the bits having to do with the prepared lines. It's just her talking about how happy and excited she is to be in Sydney (Opera House -- #35). She's certainly more relaxed and natural than the other two. Twiggy tells her she caught the excitement of the moment. Tyra likes the humility Renee showed. Nigel says that Renee's eyes were a bit of a problem, because it was so bright outside (plus there were reflectors), he could hardly see them. No, they never offer how that could possibly be Renee's fault, but I suppose she's to bear the burden of a poorly-directed ad. Her beauty shot is very pretty, though her head is tilted at a bit of an awkward angle. I guess she's trying to elongate her neck. Nigel, who I've never actively disliked, is really working my last nerve tonight, as he presses the Renee-looks-old argument. Oh, my God. WE GET IT. You've eliminated ten girls who looked plenty young while keeping Renee around. It's a bit late to be all "This is a dealbreaker!" now. Tyra jumps on the bandwagon, saying that Renee's eyes look a bit puffy and wrinkled, which 1) They don't, and 2) Even if they were, if CoverGirl is so great, why hasn't her being slathered in the stuff concealed that?

The girls are dismissed. Deliberations. Natasha is "the most beautiful of the three". Break the spell! One of the guest judges thinks she may be lacking a bit of natural style needed to be a model. Naturally, Nigel defends her, because he's got some inexplicable hard-on for her. She touches Tyra's heart, and Tyra says if you'll just give her a chance, she'll "do it". Not buying. Jaslene is spectacularly pretty, but her beauty shot doesn't live up to the judges' expectations. They think it looks like one of those mall beauty shots. She does know how to bring a fierce picture, though. Renee. Her commercial was great, and her photo is the best of the three. Still, she's got one foot in the grave, what with her being twenty and all. My, people are able to reach a ripe old twenty? Ah, the wonders of modern medicine! The judges reach a decision.

Commercials. Buy an expensive mobile texting machine so you and your friends can be immature dumbasses in perfect synchronicity.

Opera House -- #36. The girls are called back in. Jaslene is the first to be declared safe. Tyra asks her how it feels to be a finalist, when she didn't even get selected to be in Cycle 7. The answer? "Good. So, so good." Illuminating. Will Renee and Natasha please step forward? Renee is beautiful, and had a great commercial and picture. But Natasha... Natasha... Well, Natasha has pins stuck in all the right places on her judge dolls, so she gets her photo. WHAT THE FUCK EVER. Jaslene's jaw drops. Renee isn't able to keep a flicker of "Huh? How is that even possible?" off of her face. She recovers in time to give Natasha a hug. Tyra piles on the manure about why a girl who isn't pretty and can barely string a sentence together is going to the finals. Renee comes forward for her kiss-off. Tyra tells her to be proud of herself, and that she's fabulous. Renee hugs the girls good-bye on her way out, telling Natasha to "win this for the mamas". Ew, don't do that. She's completely blown away by her elimination, given that she had the best commercial and best picture. It sounds like sour grapes, but she's right. "You did the best, and you're eliminated" is crap. Opera House -- #37. She says she'd rather have wisdom in her eyes, and knowledge in head rather than being blank and stupid. Ha! Nice burn. Her portfolio is very good, and I'm still tinged with some residual surprise that this season's Bitch turned out to be someone I started to root for (not counting Melrose, who wasn't so much a Bitch as a "Bitch"). Ah, well. At least I don't have to dye my hair green. Back to the Future fadeout.

The next day. Jaslene and Natasha walk into a building, and are met by Carissa Rosenberg, who really needs more work to do around the Seventeen offices. The girls are there to shoot the cover that the eventual winner will have published. Hair and makeup. Jaslene interviews that she was surprised Natasha beat out Renee, saying if Natasha wins the competition, Jaslene will pull out all of her hair. I'll hold her down for you. Natasha interviews (Opera House -- #38) that... Let me see if I've got this down correctly. Winning will make her happy, and her baby wouldn't want an unhappy woman raising her. Therefore, we should just hand over the title to her now? Is that what she's saying? Arrrrgh! Why do so many people like this woman? There isn't much to say about the shoot, except the clothing and accessories (including some fake bling that reads "TOP", "MODEL", and "ANTM") are laughably ugly. Jaslene tears up as she says that her family would be proud of her making it this far. That's a wrap!

When the girls come back to the pad, Tyra is there to shove in some last minute Diet Oprah. Natasha freaks out when she sees Tyra, because it's not like she sees Tyra every twenty minutes or so. This is what truly sucks about Natasha making it to the final two. Not only do I now have to spend the next half hour worried that she'll win, but with only one other girl to focus on, she's always on-screen, annoying me. Tyra asks about her life in Russia. Natasha peddles a Little Matchstick Girl story about being in Moscow with nothing to her name. Tyra asks if she worries about resentment from the other girls about a Russian winning America's Next Top Model. Natasha says (and I agree) that she never got that sense from the other girls, because everyone pretty much takes for granted that America is a big melting pot, George Bush's immigration policies aside. Tyra advises her to relax her neck and face, and she'll be fine. Jaslene manages to greet Tyra without acting like she's meeting the Queen of England. Tyra asks her what she was thinking about when she wasn't picked for Cycle 7. Jaslene says she was wondering what she did wrong, then went to therapy to build her character and to learn to love herself. Thanks for sharing. Jaslene tells Tyra that this is her second chance, and that it has been a life-changing experience (a wise choice of words -- Tyra eats that shit up). She thanks Tyra for the opportunity, and Tyra gives her a hug before telling her she'll see her on the runway.

Opera House -- #39. The fashion show runway is constructed. The girls battle their way through a curtain to meet OJ. The curtain puts up a pretty good fight. Jaslene sees the runway, and is a little nervous, because as she interviews, it's not a flat line. It curves around, and it looks like there's a bit of an incline as well. Miss J demonstrates a quick walk, and OJ tells them the theme of the runway show is "evolution". They probably bleeped that out when they aired this in Kansas. CariDee, in her last bid for us to remember her past tonight (ain't gonna happen) will be leading off the show. The Jays tell the girls that on their first runway pass, they should hunch over, and generally look like cavewomen. I never would have thought cave-people would be having such a cultural renaissance this year, but jeez. They're everywhere! As the runway show progresses, the girls are free to straighten up and show the audience just how far humanity has come since Cro-Magnon days. I doubt cavewomen ever worried about bulimia. Miss J reminds them that this is the final challenge. Natasha's face splits into a "rock and roll!" expression that unhappily reminds me of Megg.

Suddenly, it's time for the show. Models get made up. Jaslene interviews that she won't let any strategy of Natasha's get to her. That current strategy seems to be warning Jaslene against falling on her ass out on the runway. Natasha interviews that the difference between Jaslene and herself is that Jaslene is more fierce, while Natasha is more exciting and fun. I object on both of those counts. Jaslene gears herself up, as does a certain building that will be visible in the background. Opera House -- #40. Tyra comes backstage, wearing a dress you last saw Great Aunt Bernice wear to Cousin Frederick's wake. She gives the girls some quick advice. Jaslene, don't act like a drag queen. Natasha, don't be stiff. See, it's tips like that that'll make these girls marketable models in no time! She gives them a double high-five, and leaves. The girls line up. Since this isn't Project Runway, I don't have to go into detail about the clothes, thank goodness. Especially since they're ugly. Even though the show was ostensibly supposed to be about the designers, it's Tyra who greets the audience, so this isn't so much a fashion show as a "fashion show". OJ gets ready to start the show. The girls look like they're about to hurl.

Commercials. Oh, yay. Another movie in which Robin Williams spazzes for two hours.

Opera House -- #41. The girls get ready. Jaslene interviews that she had an adrenaline rush over a shot of her looking like she's got anything but. The audience applauds as the lights go down. The show begins. CariDee hams it up in cavewoman mode. Jaslene and Natasha head out. Jaslene is more deliberate in her cavewoman walk, while Natasha whips around, perhaps as if to say "Watch out! Here comes a wooly mammoth!". The dramatic music helps disguise how boring the show actually is. Tyra leans over to Nigel and tells him Natasha is working it. "It" presumably being my last nerve. Opera House -- #42. The first pass now over, the girls are free to Model Stomp to their hearts' content. The Opera House, knowing that this is its last chance to be seen, throws itself into several of the shots. Opera House -- #43. Various girls walk in their ugly clothes. Natasha emerges. She interviews that she was focusing on her walk, but that her skirt was coming off. And come off it does. She doesn't even attempt to make a grab for it, but just lets it slide down, steps out of it, and keeps on walking. To her credit, she handles the situation very gracefully. Jaslene walks the runway. She voices-over that the experience was "surreal". Opera House -- #44-46.

It's Natasha's turn to go out, but her outfit isn't on yet, so OJ sends some random girl. When she finally goes, she voices-over that she was better than anyone else on the runway, but doesn't need to "yell and scream" about it. Well, sure. Soft-spoken arrogance is so much more attractive. Jaslene walks. She voices-over that she brings a "fierceness" to the runway that Natasha does not. Finale. All the girls walk. I cannot fathom a reason that "The 1812 Overture" should be playing in the background, but it is. The girls strike a final pose on some ladders. The clothing designers are seen for all of two seconds. Backstage, OJ pretends that it was an exciting show. Tyra comes back to congratulate the girls. Both of them think they can win. Natasha says she'll be a role model to millions of girls (*shiver*). Jaslene says she's not the girl next door, she's the girl "down the block, in your 'hood." Er. All right, then.

Opera House -- #47. Chamber of Doom. The girls enter, clutching hands. Something extremely weird is going on with Natasha's makeup. Prizes. Judges. OJ is joining the panel tonight. My fingers start to tense, as the dread of a possible Natasha victory comes to a head. She has the first individual evaluation. The judges love how she did on the runway, and how poised she was about the "craziness" backstage and the skirt snafu. Nigel says that while he loved her initial intensity, she started to lose it as the show went on. Shot of Natasha strutting in the finale, looking very bored. Jaslene's entrance is likened to the girls in the opening of a James Bond movie, though we never hear if that's good or bad in the judges' estimation. They think Jaslene didn't start very strong, but her performance built as the show went on. So essentially, Natasha was better at the beginning, and Jaslene was better at the end.

Now it's time to compare some of the photos the girls have taken over the season. Political stances. Advantage: Jaslene. Twiggy thinks it's one of Jaslene's best out of the whole season, while OJ says that he's surprised Natasha even made the cut that week. It's not that bad. Oh, here's one that is that bad. Back to School. Advantage: Jaslene. Natasha had no business surviving past this week. That photo of her is awful. Nigel defends her, of course, because her "desire to learn" is somehow an excuse for taking shitty pictures. Drag kings. Advantage: Natasha. The judges have no issue with either picture, but recall how fun Natasha was on the set that day. Because people reading magazines at home care about how fun the photo shoot was when they read an ad for mascara. Madonna vs. Whore photo. Twiggy prefers Natasha's whore photo. Nigel and Miss J prefer Jaslene's. In the madonna photo, Tyra recalls that Jaslene wasn't as fiery that day. Not that that has the slightest to do with the photograph, which is what they're supposed to be focusing on right now. Miss J likes Jaslene's arched feet. Nigel loves Natasha's madonna shot.

Tyra asks if there's anything they'd like to say before deliberations. Natasha is thankful for the opportunity. She says in Russian: "I'm happy that girls with accents made it to the final round". Jaslene calls it a life-changing experience, saying the judges have made her feel proud of herself. Not to be outdone in the foreign language department, she says in Spanish: "Thank you for this opportunity". The girls are dismissed.

Commercials. Guy on the street: "I don't just listen to music. I am music." Good, then I can fast-forward you.

Opera House -- #48. Deliberations. The judges love Natasha's face and personality, and Nigel likes how able she is to learn and improve. My heart seizes a little bit. Nigel likes Jaslene's pictures, but says she hasn't really improved over the course of the season. A historic moment happens, as OJ saves the day. He says Jaslene hasn't needed to improve like Natasha, because she came in with more natural ability. He points out that they've calmed the screaming, plastic-earring-wearing spaz Jaslene was when she tried out last season, and now she's far more sophisticated. Twiggy thinks Jaslene has taken some of the best pictures of the competition, though the judges aren't sure if she can be a commercial model. I'm not going into that crap again. Nigel thinks Jaslene did better on the runway. Tyra thinks Natasha did better on the runway. Miss J says that Natasha fizzled over the course of the show. Tyra says she loves them both, and doesn't know what the hell to do. The judges reach a decision.

The girls are called back in. Tyra tells them it was a long deliberation, and that they're both very strong, in part because of their ties to other cultures. They have big hearts. They have big souls. Blah, blah, blah. Get to the point! Tyra says that in the end, one of the girls was stronger, and will make all of the judges proud. I clutch LabRat's arm. America's. Next. Top. Model. Is...

Jaslene! Oh, thank the freaking heavens above. I immediately feel forty pounds lighter. Jaslene breaks down into tears, and hugs Natasha, then Tyra. Natasha comes forward for her good-bye hug. In her final interview, she says that it was an experience, and that she's happy to go home and see her family. I'm happy for you too, Natasha. Mostly about the "going home" part. Jaslene celebrates some more. She says her family believed in her dream. We see cute baby pictures of her. She says she didn't make it the first time she tried, but that all young women can still make it if they have drive and passion. She tells us she's the new Top Model in both English and Spanish (called it!), and screams in excitement. Final Back to the Future fadeout of all the girls except her. Whee!

Season post-mortem. Apparently, this has not been a very popular cycle. I've been reading a lot of blogs and articles that think this batch of girls was horrifically boring. I have to disagree. I think this was the best season in a while. I mean, it's all comparative, naturally. I won't be settling in with my grandkids on a snowy night in front of the fire to tell the tale of Jaslene's Great Victory or anything. But I feel like this season was far better than the bore of Cycle 6 or the bullshit of Cycle 7. The season's Bitch was refreshingly pretty and talented, even pulling off a rare redemption. The photo shoots were fairly creative; I really liked that crime scene photo one. The girls were mostly entertaining. The winner doesn't want to make me throw bricks at her every time she appears on-screen. All in all, thumbs up. I just wish I could have seen a shot or two of the Sydney Opera House. I feel deprived.

Overall Grade: B
Overall Season Grade: A-