The Girl Who Doesn't Want To Dance

America's Next Top Model - Season 8, Episode 11

Previously on America's Next Top Model: During the go-sees, Brittany had trouble going, and the designers didn't want to see her. She pitched a huge fit, despite the fact that war rages in other countries. At the photo shoot, the girls had to sell a look to men, women, and OJ. Brittany's photos were strong as always, but the judges couldn't overlook the fact that nobody in the industry has any use for her, and she got booted. Let's hope she can remember her way back to the pad. Four girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. You know you're in the home stretch of a season when the credits flash, and you're like, "Diana? She was one of the hefty ones, right?".

Sydney, Australia. Opera House -- #22. The girls drag themselves back to the pad. Brittany's on the bed, and asks "Where have you guys been? Who got eliminated?". OK, not really, but that would have been sweet. What the girls really find is Tyra Mail, which says something along the lines of the girl who wins needing soul, spirit, and heart. Natasha smiles, all "Well, I know who that is." Dionne has no idea what it means, and doesn't really care. Off to bed! Once tucked in, the girls hash out Brittany's elimination. Dionne interviews that she was in the bottom two with Brittany, and had no idea she was scowling at the camera so much until the judges brought it up. Renee giggles that the only time you know what's coming at panel is when the judges are eerily silent. Sepia-toned flashback to the judges making horrified faces. Except Miss J, who's always thinking "La la la, laaaa! La la dah dee dah!". The (inexplicably always full) moon rises, accompanied by a wolf howl. Goodness. Are the girls about to be stalked and eaten one by one? Go for Natasha first, wolves!

No such luck. The sun rises, and instead of being eaten by wolves, Natasha is giving her phone oral sex. It's as disgusting as it sounds. She coos to her husband and nuzzles the phone. Blech. The other girls are in the room, and are openly laughing at her. Natasha starts whimpering about what she's going to do to him when she gets home, and bleeeeeeeeeeeerugh. They censor swearing, but allow this? Renee interviews about how psycho Natasha is. Oh, yeah. Missing your husband? Swell. Giving your phone an STD? Gross. Natasha cheerfully interviews (Opera House -- #23) about how obsessed with her behavior the other girls are. Well, sure. Except she attributes this interest in her to them being intimidated by how great a model she is, and the real reason is that you have to keep a close eye on crazy people, so you can be prepared for their attack. The girls get themselves ready, then head out for the day. There's a split second where Renee and Jaslene tussle over closing the door. That was odd, but funny.

The girls are driven to the Royal National Park. Natasha watches the scenery out of the window, and there's a book clasped to her chest that looks an awful lot like "_____ for Dummies". "Phone Sex For Dummies"? "Unreasonable Self-Esteem For Dummies"? "Hypnotizing Reality Show Judges Into Thinking You Have A Modicum Of Modeling Ability For Dummies"? Unfortunately, we never see. The van pulls over, and the girls are led into the forest. Dionne interviews about how rainy, windy, and cold it is. As they trudge through the forest, Renee laughs at Natasha for wearing giant wedge heels, and tells her she's going to get really sick. So, a damp forest with improper footwear. If you're going to attack her, wolves, now's your best opportunity. Do it! Jaslene interviews about how stupid Natasha is for wearing those shoes. Well, I doubt she was told she'd be clomping through the forest, so let's stick to attacking her for things other than not being psychic, Jaslene. The girls reach a clearing, where an Aboriginal elder named Uncle Max introduces himself and his niece, Calita. So...no wolf attack, then? Damn. Calita has a black dress on, and there are white handprints pressed all over it, and white stripes painted on her cheeks, arms, and legs. Oh, looks like there's an entire group of Aboriginal girls and women, all dressed identically. They look super-cool. Calita says that Aboriginal history and culture is passed down orally, and through body art and dance.

Uncle Max introduces a story-through-dance, and says that the girls will then tell their own stories through dance. As the Aboriginal women dance, Renee interviews that models are storytellers of a sort, too. Dionne interviews that her first thought of "dance" is grinding at the club or something, but realizes that this is very different when she sees the Aboriginal women miming the act of gathering food. Actually, I think I have seen the Gathering Food dance at the clubs. Only the participants are standing much closer together than this. When the dance concludes, Calita tells the girls that their challenge today will be to tell their own stories with speech, body art, and movement. They will perform their dances for some local girls and for Carissa Rosenberg, who really has too much free time on her hands. Uncle Max gives the girls fifteen minutes to get ready. And...go! The girls wander into a nearby tent and sift through baskets of body paint. Renee describes the dresses they'll be wearing with horror, because flitting around an unbelievably cold forest in flimsy sundresses is not her idea of a good time. I can also report with some horror of my own that Natasha is wearing a red thong today. Painting montage.

Renee goes out first. The audience is an odd mix, from the girls in their Aboriginal gear to girls in school outfits to Carissa Rosenberg, who's dressed like she's walking down a Manhattan street in the opening credits of Sex and the City. Pick a hair color, Carissa. And take that stupid bow off your head. Renee introduces herself as NeNe (and let me just say NoNo to that), and begins her story. It's about her being abused as a child, but growing up with her four sisters and her mother to become a Unified Woman or some such thing. I hate to sound flip about her life's woes, but this challenge is weird. It seems to be designed to reward whichever girl comes up with the most hideously embarrassing story. To her credit, Renee delivers her talk in a strong voice, never hesitating, and augments it with sweeping arm movements. She finishes up, and the audience applauds, like, "Yay, abuse!". She moves off to the side so she can watch the others, and wraps up in a blanket. Jaslene's story is that she was misled into pain, agony, and suffering. Katie Holmes? She says she got out of the pain by following her dreams. Not that we ever hear any specific dreams or see a single body movement. One brave girl in the audience starts a slow clap, because nobody can tell that Jaslene's finished. Hahaha! Renee opens her blanket to allow Jaslene in. Dionne. She really doesn't want to dance out a story, saying she has no idea what the audience wants to hear. That didn't stop Jaslene. Just make some shit up! She says she never dances. Not even with her boyfriend. Jeez, what do she and her boyfriend do? I would be completely embarrassed to participate in this challenge, so I can understand her hesitation. Still, it's probably best to just suck it up, get out there, and try to get through it as quickly as possible.

Commercials. I wonder how that woman drove home in her giant taco costume.

Dionne, having somehow magically heard my advice, says she's just going to go out there, and whip through her "story" in twenty-five seconds. She doesn't do too badly, considering. She talks about her mom's paralysis and there are dots representing her family painted on her leg and such. It's not terrific, but at least it's a real story. The audience gives her golf claps. She happily flees to join the others. Yes, all three full-grown women can easily be wrapped in one blanket. Eat a sandwich! Natasha walks out holding two bits of tree branch that look like green pom-poms. As she begins, she interviews (Opera House -- #24) that she spoke quietly so that people would pay close attention. Because there's a fireworks display in another direction? What else would they be watching? Anyway, she whispers her story so softly, she needs subtitles. The audience and the other girls can't hear a damn word she says. Dionne interviews as much, making silent mouthing faces at the camera. Renee interviews that Natasha is sweet, but a few fries short of a Happy Meal. Hehe. Natasha naturally thinks she blew the challenge away. Oh, she blew all right.

The girls, now each with their own blanket, come and sit facing the audience. Carissa greets them, and tries to draw some weak parallel between Aboriginal stories and reading Seventeen. Yeah, I don't think so. With that out of the way, she reveals the challenge winner. Renee. Good, she deserves it. She gets to pick one friend to share in the prize, and she chooses Jaslene. Everyone claps. The girls head back to the city. When they enter the pad, they're met by a jewelry dealer. Renee and Jaslene have won pearl necklaces (*snicker* -- sorry), which is a mighty incongruous prize for a challenge having to do with folk stories. Hey, I guess Renee can pay off those bills now! All the girls are really impressed. Jaslene hugs Renee in gratitude. Dionne beats herself up for not trying harder at the challenge. She tells the other girls that she's at a point where she really just wants to go have some fun. What, being cramped in a house with a bunch of dramatic, skinny girls, then being forced into weirdass challenges so a panel of judges can yell at you isn't fun? Natasha opts out, because she's starting to feel a bit sick. Who would have thought that making Natasha dance around in frigid, wet weather in a tiny dress could make her sick? Renee sure called that one. She advises Natasha to inhale some steam, and gives her a quick hug. Dionne, Renee, and Jaslene get dressed up (the latter two in their pearls, of course), and head out. Natasha burrows under the covers.

Sydney at night. Opera House -- #25. Thought I'd miss that quick shot, editors? Guess what? I've got a pause button! Mwahahahaha! The girls settle in at a bar. Jaslene is glad that Natasha didn't come, because she finds her annoying. Ooh, here we go. One of the pack has been separated from the girl herd. Time to trash talk her! As the girls suck on slices of lemon or orange (probably their entire dinner), Renee tells the others to really bring it at the photo shoot, because they all want Natasha to be eliminated. You can count me in with that, ladies. Unfortunately, I want them to hate her because she's unattractive, overrated, and annoying, but what they really hate about her is that they feel she must be lying about something. You guessed it -- Natasha isn't "real". Renee says she's never seen Natasha's wedding ring, nor a picture of her husband or child. Therefore, she made both of them up? These are some dumbass accusations. Natasha knows (though I doubt this interview was taken at the time it's being shown) that the girls are nice to her face, but talk about her. She says she doesn't let their "jealousy" faze her. Ah, yes. "People dislike me because they're jealous." An idea so laughably trite and hackneyed, it's in the heading of this very blog. When the other girls get back, Tyra Mail awaits. It reads "Sorry girls, you're history!!". The girls don't even feel like trying to puzzle it out, and head for bed. Morning. Opera House -- #26. Jaslene irons a dress. Come do my dress shirts, Jaslene. Natasha blows her nose. She still feels horrible. She interviews (Opera House -- #27) that she has "the stuffed nose" and "the sore throat". Hehe. In Soviet Russia, cold catches you! She's scared that her sickness will hamper her in today's photo shoot, which she really can't afford.

Commercials. Ads for tampons and bras. Hey, men watch this show too!

The van drops the girls off to meet a sickeningly cheerful OJ for the photo shoot, probably at the same park they were in yesterday. He tells the girls that for today's photo shoot, they'll be working with the Ngemba tribe, and each girl will be assigned a specific story. They'll have to act out that story for the photo. Renee's working another head scarf. OJ introduces today's photographer, Kane. What's with Aussie photographers and their jaunty hats? Dionne is hilariously nonplussed to learn that they'll be doing another dance. Makeup montage. Natasha looks like death warmed over.

Jaslene is up first at the photo shoot. The tribeswomen teach her the Dance of the Red-Breasted Robin. Really, learning the dance is entirely pointless, because the girls aren't really doing anything but striking a pose. Granted, the pose is from the dance, but being able to accurately perform the dance has nothing to do with getting a good shot. The tribeswomen are in the photo with Jaslene, and the group of them together looks really good. OJ thinks she does a great job, though he cautions her about looking up too much, which emphasizes her nostrils. Next up is Dionne, whose dance is the Food Gathering Dance. OJ warns her at the outset not to scowl at the camera. The shoot doesn't go very well. OJ interviews that she always looks too controlling when she steps in front of the camera, and still needs way too much coaching.

Natasha's dance (Opera House -- #27) is about the... Wiggidy-Wack Tail Bird? If not, I'm leaving it like that, because that visual is far too funny. She begins posing, and -- how can I put this politely -- sucks hot, fried ass. OJ comes over, and basically orders her to put aside her sickness so she can get a great shot. After all, Tyra has triumphed over illness (natch), so Natasha should be able to. Well, sure. Just tell your nose to stop running, and your lungs to stop going into spasms. Natasha wishes she could just go back to bed. Her poses never get any better. I feel sorry for her getting criticized for not having the power to beat a sickness into submission for OJ's convenience, but honestly, anything that may help get her eliminated is cool with me. Renee's dance is the Flight of the Butterfly. She manages to strike some nice, angular poses for her photos. OJ is impressed. Renee is pleased. The girls head back to the pad.

Tyra Mail! Someone's getting eliminated. Natasha heads for the confessional. Her sickness must be worse than I thought, because she's deluded herself into thinking she did a great job at the photo shoot. Ugh. I'm going to be so pissed if she wins the season. Plus, there would be the added torture of having to watch her "My Life As A CoverGirl" ads all next season. I mean, we're still not rid of CariDee. Renee interviews that if Natasha uses her sickness as an excuse, the judges will "eat her alive", because plenty of girls have been sick, and have still gotten good photos. I love how a girl is either "sick" or "not sick". There's no consideration for degree. A girl has a cold? A girl has food poisoning? A girl is dehydrated? A girl has been infected with the disease in The Stand? Whatever, she's just "sick". Work through it! Smile pretty as the virus eats your pancreas!

Commercials. I know the meaning could change based on comma placement, but the itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini should have yellow polka dots. Not be a yellow bikini with red polka dots. That's just plain silly.

Opera House -- #28. We enter the Chamber of Doom on pictures of Tyra as an Aboriginal woman. They're so-so. She's wearing a remarkably ugly dress at panel. Prizes. Judges. Tonight's guest judge is Carissa Rosenberg, who's wearing another hair accessory she's too old for. Carissa, you work at Seventeen. You're not actually seventeen. Let's get to the evaluations. Dionne is first. Her food-gatherer shot is OK. For once, I actually like it a bit less than Tyra does. Carissa notes a lack of fire in Dionne's eyes. Yes, it's the age-old "[Model], stop doing [behavior] in your photos!" -- two weeks later -- "How come you don't [behavior] anymore?" Tyra thinks Dionne actually went too far in trying to break out of her mean rut, and looks overly cheerful instead, which could not be more demonstrably false. She reads OJ's notes about how much coaching she still needs.

Crap, it looks like my hope that we'd get through an entire season without those stupid final judging tests has just been crushed. The final test is to say which of the girls has the most modeling potential, and which has the least. This has been asked before, and while it sounds like an opinion question, there is, in fact, a "correct" answer. You should always select yourself as having the most potential. It doesn't matter what you really think, it doesn't matter how great or how horrible you are, and it doesn't matter what the judges have been telling you for the past three months. If you don't choose yourself, the judges will nail you to the wall for "lack of confidence" or some such twaddle. Dionne, who has apparently never watched this show before, chooses Jaslene for her striking appearance and good personality. Asked for who has the least potential, Dionne chooses Natasha. Natasha blinks a lot and smiles, thinking "Yeah, big surprise." Dionne's reasoning is that there's something "missing" in Natasha's personality.

Jaslene. Her photo is good, and is helped along by the fact that the Aboriginal women in the background look great, too. Nigel says he likes it, but brings up the fact that Jaslene always seems to give the same face to the camera. It's true. Of course, let's line up all the Tyra shots we've seen as we enter the Chamber of Doom this season and see what he says then. Tyra tells her she needs to figure out how to work more than one look, and somehow avoids being struck by lightning. Jaslene just nods. She knows the trap the judges have laid for her, and "correctly" answers that she has the most modeling potential. She also chooses Natasha for least potential, saying that she comes off as "phony". Renee. Her challenge win is brought up, and her Dance of the Butterfly shot is great. Twiggy finds it evocative, Nigel appreciates how she found the light, and Carissa tells her that she looks strong and "pops". Tyra tells her she had the most variety in her poses. Renee successfully avoids the judging trap, and also chooses Natasha for the least potential, saying she's beautiful, but "plays games" and that there's something lacking in her personality.

Natasha. Her photo is poor, though nowhere near as bad as I was expecting it to be. Carissa tells her she looks awkward and uncomfortable. Tyra tells her the majority of her shots were worse than the ones in the first week. She knows that Natasha has been sick, but says that illness doesn't explain the awkwardness of Natasha's poses. Natasha pretty much says that it took all of her strength just to show up at the shoot, leaving the "so fuck off, bitch" silent, but palpable. She easily avoids the judging trap, and says that she appreciates the critiques of the other girls, and still wants to be their friend. I really don't like her, but that was a genius move to pull. Once you know how Tyra functions, she's easily manipulated, and saying something akin to "Oh, I don't mind that the other girls bully me" is almost guaranteed to bring out Tyra's Diet Oprah caring facade. Twiggy says she's shocked by the other girls' comments, because Natasha's so warm and funny. She senses jealousy on the other girls' parts. Wow, am I sick of the argument that the only reason you wouldn't like Natasha is because you're so envious of her beauty. There are a hundred reasons to dislike Natasha, so shut up, Twiggy. Also, you spend three minutes a week with Natasha. Jaslene, Renee, and Dionne spend every waking minute with her. I think I'll take their assessment of her personality over yours. Natasha says that were Gisele standing behind her, she'd pick her for least potential because she knows Gisele would be her strongest competition. Note that the judges never make her give a real answer to that part of the question. If Natasha never pegs one of the actual girls as having the least modeling potential, then nobody can claim she's the jealous one. How handy. The girls are dismissed.

Commercials. If you want to eat health food, McDonald's should totally be your first stop.

Opera House -- #29. The girls are in the holding room while the judges deliberate. It's suitably awkward. Natasha tells the others that she truly wishes them luck. They're not buying. Jaslene tries to explain (poorly -- I can't understand a word she's saying) about how Natasha comes off as fake. Natasha doesn't understand either, and Jaslene clarifies that she doesn't dislike Natasha because she's jealous or threatened by her. Renee and Dionne just look at each other, like "Can you believe this shit?". Deliberations. Twiggy thinks that Dionne's shot is good, but hers have consistently been the weakest throughout the competition. I assume she means among these four girls. And she's full of crap. Carissa doesn't think she comes off as a model. Tyra brings up the fact that Dionne didn't choose herself for having the most potential, which is as damning as it was in other seasons. It's times like this that if I took this show at all seriously, I'd want to put a brick through the screen. This is why you just have to let Top Model wash over you. If you look for logic and consistency, you'll just wind up suicidal. Jaslene always has strong photographs, but is one-note. Tyra rather unkindly says that the competition is Jaslene's whole life, and if she's eliminated, she'll stalk Miss J or something. Renee's photograph is strong, but isn't the freshest face on the block. Tyra brings up the Accusing Circle, and wonders why all the girls are against Natasha this week. Because she sucks? No, it's because everyone in the world, including you, me, and the guy who sells you Skittles are all JEALOUS of her. Speaking of Natasha, her photo was awful, but she dealt with criticism well.

Elimination. The first girl declared safe is Renee, unsurprisingly. She's closely followed by Jaslene. Jaslene is relieved, because she thought she'd be in the bottom two. Tyra asks why, and Jaslene says she hasn't "brung" the different expression that the judges have asked for. Tyra makes fun of her grammar, and again somehow manages to avoid being struck by lightning. God's really asleep at the switch tonight. Will Dionne and Natasha please step forward? Dionne has been steadily improving, but not smoothly. Plus, she didn't have the good sense to make up a bunch of bullshit for her judging test. Natasha has also been steadily improving, but had a horrible week. Tyra says the "sick thing" is the oldest Top Model story, and the judges are "over it". How thoughtful of her to blame Natasha, when the sickness would never have happened, but for the conditions at the Aboriginal dance challenge. Guess whose fault that is, Tyra? Luckily for Natasha, everyone in the history of mankind, real or imagined, from Moses to Pythagoras to Ruth Bader Ginsburg is just JEALOUS of her all-encompassing beauty, so she gets her photo. Renee's face: "Fuck that shit."

Natasha hugs Dionne, who most emphatically does not hug her back. As Natasha steps forward to accept her photo, Tyra tells her this competition is not about having one bad photo shoot and being sent home, but rather about a body of work. Really? Let's ask Felicia what she thinks about that. Tyra tells Natasha that the sick thing isn't going to fly in final three, so she'd better pull her head out of her ass. Dionne comes forward for a hug. Tyra tells her to go take everything that she's learned on the show and use it to her advantage, rather than waiting for people to tell her what to do. Yeah, what does she think she is, a model? Dionne heads over to hug the other girls. Even Natasha. In her final interview, she says she's disappointed, but really did try and do her best. Going home will be a big change, and she's going to miss a lot of things about the competition. A bunch of her stuff falls to the floor as she tries to pack. Her portfolio is really good. She voices-over that she's glad to have the opportunity to do something that other people can't normally do, and that she's proud of herself. Aw. Though some of the luster had worn off, I can't deny that Dionne rocked my world for a really long stretch. I'm bummed that she's going. Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Final three! Then final two! Then final one!

Overall Grade: C+