I Just Hope He Doesn't Croak On Us

The Amazing Race - Season 12, Episode 9

Previously on The Amazing Race: Five teams headed for the crowded streets of Mumbai, India. Mumbai sure doesn't strike one as a coastal town at first blush, does it? TK and Rachel stayed true to their "Whatever, man" strategy, which kept them in the lead. The Bickersons kept up their World Tour of Whining, and Ronald reverted to troublesome old patterns, which caused the teams' placements to suffer, as usual. Kynt made a "huge miscalculation" at the U-Turn, then went ahead and compounded the Pinkies' problems by screwing up the Roadblock. Those two big mistakes were enough to cement their last-place finish, and the "dating Goths" were punted back to Kentucky. Who? Oh, the Pinkies. I was confused by the "dating" and the "Goths". Four teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. There's nothing interesting to say about Marianna and Julia's intro clip. Just as there was nothing interesting to say about them during the race.

Mumbai, India. We get a series of cultural cliches that are awesome nonetheless: Elephant! Wild head-bobbing dance! Man in colorful turban playing large horn! Yoga! Snake charming! Phil tells us that Mumbai is one of the most densely-populated cities in the world, and based on the following shots, he sure isn't exaggerating. Ick. I have a wild urge to go watch "Elbow Room" on the Schoolhouse Rock DVD. Er, not that I own that. Aaaaaaanyway, Phil greets us from the unfortunately graffiti-encrusted Bandra Fort. After his Opening Blather, TK and Rachel leave the mat at 1:25 PM. So this must be one of those non-twelve-hour pitstops, because there is no way they arrived at 1:25 AM. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to fly to Osaka, Japan, which is almost 4,000 miles away. Once in Osaka, they'll make their way to the Kishiwada Castle, then search the grounds for the next clue. Rachel interviews that she generally has self-confidence issues, but those all go away when she's with TK. Aw, that's sweet. They track down a travel desk, and ask the agent for the "fastest possible way" to Osaka.

Nicolas and Donald are off the mat at 1:33 PM. Often, teams that arrive at the mat far apart are edited to make it look like a close call, but I can't recall ever seeing the reverse before now. These two were really close to the lead. There's some more talk about how Donald tends to be on the slow side, and how Nick is hard to keep up with, and it's nothing you haven't been hearing since the season started. They head for the airport. Donald says he's been wanting to go to Japan for fifty years. Ronald and Christina leave the mat at 1:44 PM, and agree to find a travel agency. Christina is pumped to go to Japan, because she studied the language there for six months. Impressive. They hop in a taxi. Ronald regrets his explosive temper, and again, nothing we haven't been intimately acquainted with for two months. I always get like this around the final four. It's been a great season, but I'm ready to wrap this shit up, yo.

Nicolas and Donald arrive at the airport, and Ronald and Christina dart across traffic into a travel agency. Far from asking for the "fastest possible way" there, Christina intelligently asks about the earliest possible arrival. Big difference. She also makes sure the agent is looking at more than one airline. Progress! The Bickersons are last to depart at 2:38 PM. Man, they sucked at that India leg. More blah blah blah about how they're going to work on not fighting. I, for one, am thoroughly convinced they mean it this time. And did you know that "gullible" isn't in the dictionary? They're already hoping for the first-place finish that continues to elude them. Nathan indulges in a fantasy wherein he trips up a team in front of them so that the Bickersons can beat them to the mat. Pretty telling that sabotaging another team is the only way he can think to come in first. Even Fantasy Nathan can't win a leg through competence.

TK is still wrangling for tickets, and now he's asking for the ones that will get them into Osaka the earliest. Eesh. I was all set to pin their upcoming flight on a semantic issue, but nope. He clearly asked for the tickets in the proper way, and clarifies it more than once. Nicolas buys tickets. TK buys tickets. His agent says that "this is the earliest which is available". TK takes him at his word. Rachel fans herself happily. Ronald and Christina buy tickets. The Bickersons arrive at the airport, and buy tickets. Ronald needles Christina about the difference between "direct" and "non-stop" flights. She tells him to leave her alone in Chinese. TK and Rachel arrive at the airport, and check in. Ronald and Christina are arriving as well, but the taxi driver drops them off a good distance from the entrance they need to be at. Ronald goes into one of those bitching spirals, and once again, it's so heartening to see his pledge to keep that temper under control lasted all of an hour or so. He's actually crabbing about having to walk an extra half-block, when he's about to rest his feet for a 4,000-mile journey. Christina warns him that if he wastes his energy on something this unimportant, it's going to hurt their game. He interviews that it's not easy to change how he acts during the intensity of the race. I'm sure that's true, and yet? Stop complaining about stupid things, ya old fart.

Everyone except TK and Rachel meets in the check-in line. TK and Rachel are already departing, but lest you think they're blowing everyone else away, the map shows us that they are getting to Osaka by connecting through New Delhi and Beijing. Everyone else is on a flight that stops in Hong Kong, and I'm thinking chances are better that stopping once is more advantageous than stopping twice. TK and Rachel arrive in New Delhi, and sit around for their next flight. They have no idea where everyone else is. Warning bells go off in their heads.

Commercials. Did you know "everyone's" talking about the latest Pizza Hut creation? No, really! If that hasn't been the dominant buzz around your office's water cooler lately, you guys are just hopelessly out of the loop.

TK and Rachel have jumped through a wormhole during the commercial break, because they've already landed in Beijing, and are boarding their flight to Osaka. They have no idea if they're way out in front or dead last. I'll give them a hint. It's not the one they want. The other teams land in Osaka at 2:30 PM. Everyone hurries through the airport. Nicolas carries Donald's bag, and Donald interviews that "Nicolas is like a bitch for me. It's perfect." Hahahaha! The Bickersons are first to a cab, and rudely snap "Fast, fast, fast!" at the driver. Jennifer says that's it about time they start "kicking these old teams' asses". I love that she's pumping herself up by trying to convince herself that at long last, this is the week that she, the underdog, will finally come from behind to triumph over...two old men and some laid-back hippies. Woo, Bickerson Power! Ronald and Christina grab a taxi, and Christina manages some broken Japanese to convey to the driver how much of a hurry they're in, making sure to end with an "Arigato". Don't worry, the "Mr. Roboto" comes later.

LabRat (in an approving tone): "I think the least you can do for this race is learn how to say 'please' and 'thank you' in a bunch of languages".

Nicolas and Donald get a taxi. Donald says that Japan is a clean and wonderful country. Total burn on India! Jennifer says that Japan is beautiful, open, and spacious. Another total burn on India! Ronald wonders what has become of TK and Rachel, saying that his gut feeling is that they're behind everyone else. The hernia speaks the truth. Nicolas wonders if they found their way to Osaka, India. Donald says that "anything's possible on the race." "So cliche," Nicolas responds. Hehehe. The Bickersons get to Kishiwada Castle, and take a moment to appreciate its beauty as they run in and begin searching for the cluebox. They have a little initial trouble, but have spotted it by the time Ronald and Christina arrive. They grab a clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now travel by taxi to Noda Station (a train station) and find the cleaning man, who will hand over the next clue. The Bickersons run off in fairly high spirits, given that it's them. Ronald and Christina walk into the museum at the castle, while Nicolas and Donald are speculating that Christina probably knows some Japanese, since she went to a "falutin'" college. Heh, these two are on fire tonight. Although searching the museum itself was a mistake, the balcony does give Ronald and Christina the vantage point to spot the cluebox. They rush down towards it.

Nicolas and Donald arrive. Ronald and Christina reach the clue, and leave for Noda Station. Nicolas and Donald climb some stairs, which is another opportunity to hear about how Donald can't keep up as quick a pace as his lanky grandson. They also venture out onto the museum's balcony, and spot the cluebox. They run down, grab the clue, and hop back into their cab. Donald's a bit winded, which the show tries to play up as dramatically as it can. Not much suspense to work with this week. On the way to the station, the Bickersons remark that there are very few signs with English words on them, and Ronald points out how many one-way streets there seem to be. "I'm never driving in Japan," Christina says. A gong sound begs to differ. The Bickersons arrive at the station, and easily find the cleaning man, who hands over the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Roadblock! "Who's the backseat driver?" The Bickersons look at each other with gritted teeth, knowing what's ahead.

Jennifer takes it on. Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member must become an Osaka taxi driver. He or she will put on a hat and a pair of gloves, then drive a Japanese couple five miles. The streets are confusing and often one-way, and the Roadblocker may not pick up a local for help, or even get instruction from the couple in the backseat. Once the couple is dropped off, they will hand over the next clue, but the Roadblocker may not open it until they have driven back to Noda Station to meet their partner. I would be absolutely dreadful at this Roadblock. It terrifies me. Jennifer seems more amenable to it as she jogs outside to collect her hat and gloves. Ronald and Christina reach the station. Jennifer searches for a mirror inside her car so she can catch a glimpse of herself in her taxi driver getup. The Japanese woman in the backseat gives her a "Whatever, crazy lady" head tilt. Ronald and Christina find the cleaning man, and decide that Christina should do the Roadblock, based on her language skills. They're flummoxed when they read the task information, agreeing that Christina isn't one to excel at driving tasks. She asks Ronald to pray for her as she runs outside to pick up her hat and gloves.

The couples hand over their destination. Naturally, the Japanese characters don't mean much to Jennifer, but Christina can read that she's headed for the post office. Jennifer sticks out her tongue as she thinks, just like the kids in Peanuts did. I'd call her Peppermint Catty if it weren't too late. Although Christina knows where she's going, operating the car gives her some trouble. Jennifer leaps out to ask someone to translate her paper. Her couple looks at each other dismissively. Hey, you signed up for this, folks. I'd never let someone who couldn't decipher the English alphabet drive me around town. Jennifer takes a while to find someone who speaks English, but finally finds a nice lady who tells her what she's looking for, and where to go. Jennifer kindly apologizes to her couple when she gets back to the car. Christina accidentally turns on the radio, and her couple dances in their seats a bit. Hehe. She says it's ridiculous for her to be doing this task, as she doesn't even have a car in America; she takes public transportation. Good for her! Both ladies get going, but they have problems figuring out how to get to the post office.

Nicolas and Donald arrive at Noda Station, and find the cleaning man. Nicolas takes the Roadblock, and the cap barely fits on his noggin. He gets the destination from his couple, and wanders off to find someone to translate it. Jennifer gets a bit lost, and that's enough for all those "Woo! Pretty castle! Funny clothing!" good vibes to get flushed right down the toilet. It's back to the whining, now. Christina asks for directions in Japanese. She's still having car issues, and gets honked at as she tries to pull into a lane. I've got to say, no matter how much I'm required to make fun of these people for flubbing tasks, anyone who gets through this with a modicum of sanity gets a round of applause from me. The "Turning Japanese" knockoff music is back with us as Nicolas gets started on his drive. He says he's a little used to driving on the right, after his experience in Ireland, and smilingly turns on the air conditioner for the couple in the back. In a small, but awesome scene, Ronald and Donald share a snack as they wait for their teammates to get back. God knows why that was so adorable.

A police officer points out the post office to Jennifer. Christina sees it, too, but wonders how to get to it. A very pretty lady points it out to Nicolas. So everyone's got a bead on the post office, now. Well, everyone who's here. Feel like we're missing someone? The confusing streets are giving everyone a headache, but Christina wisely decides to follow a mail truck. Jennifer is the first one to the marked dropoff point. She jumps in excitement as she lets her couple out. Once they hand over her clue, she gets going again, and tries to find her way back to the station. Christina is next to drop off her couple. Nicolas is to the halfway point, as well. Jennifer has made her way back to the station, but doesn't see a way to get the car across the street to where she needs to drop it off. Christina has the same problem. I guess the people who designed these streets were in charge of the St. Louis airport, as well. I swear, there's no more frustrating place to drive. Nicolas is still driving. Jennifer manages to make it, surprised that she's in first place. She and Nathan are now free to open the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now travel by taxi to Kita-Mido Temple, a sixteenth-century Buddhist temple.

The Bickersons get going, and Jennifer crabs to Nathan that nobody around Osaka speaks English. There are several ways to good-naturedly complain that you cannot make yourself understood, but I really wanted to smack her for the put-upon tone she said that in. It'd be like someone being angry with you for not knowing Polish...in the middle of Boise, Idaho. It's not the worst example of a racer being unspeakably rude to a native for having the audacity to speak their own language in their own country (those would be Chip and Hayden's ears burning right about now), but it's still mighty distasteful. The Bickersons settle back to count their chickens about how they're going to come in first place today. Christina makes it back to the station. As they hustle out of the station, Christina explains to Ronald how difficult the task was, and how they need to find a "real taxi". Heh. She manages "Please...fastest" for the driver. Nicolas is lost, saying that landing a plane is easier than driving around the streets of Osaka. Donald frets. Nicolas finds himself stuck in an intersection, with a hundred cars honking at him. Pure hell.

Commercials. Shut up, Jeff Probst.

Nicolas gets some directions, and tries to get his bearings. Meanwhile, guess who's landing at the Osaka airport? Yes, it's TK and Rachel, finally arriving. They get a taxi to Kishiwada Castle, and although they remain non-committal about their placement, they appear to at least suspect that they're not in good shape. Nicolas gets more directions. Jennifer is trying to describe the Roadblock to Nathan, who's not paying attention to her. He makes the mistake of saying so, excusing himself on the grounds that he's paying attention to where the taxi driver is going. Jennifer is not pleased. Ronald and Christina have their own issue. Their taxi driver is making hideous wheezing noises, and they worry that he's in the middle of a heart attack. He really doesn't sound good. Ronald gives us the titular quote, but the taxi driver seems content to keep on driving.

The Bickersons arrive at Kita-Mido Temple. They rush up the stairs to the cluebox. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! Sense of Touch or Sense of Smell. In Sense of Touch, teams make their way on foot to an office building. Once there, the teams play robotic soccer. The robots are controlled by cell phones, and once each team member has scored a goal against the defenders, the team will get the next clue. Phil warns that accurately controlling the robots could get very frustrating. This is over a hilarious slow-motion shot of a robot falling to its back. In Sense of Smell, teams make their way to an artificial flower shop. The flowers are artificial, that is. Not the shop. Although that would be funny. Anyhow, once inside, teams sniff around to find a real flower hidden amongst the thousands of imposters. They're only allowed to use their noses, so no touchy-touchy! When they find the real flower, the shop owner with the green, bowl haircut will hand over the next clue.

The Bickersons decide to ask around, and just head to whichever Detour option is closest. As they consult a nearby local, Ronald and Christina arrive, and grab a clue. Both teams head for Sense of Smell, Jennifer saying she has the nose of a bloodhound. I hope that's not how she was able to find out Nathan was cheating on her. Nicolas finally makes it back to Noda Station. Donald tells him they're about ten minutes behind now. Oh, that's not too bad. They open the clue, then head for Kita-Mido Temple. Jennifer almost gets run over by a bicyclist, but the Bickersons reach the flower shop first. They're floored by how many blooms are in the shop. Yeah, this isn't the corner florist, with a couple of neatly arranged coolers. This is thousands of assorted flowers, crammed everywhere. They start sniffing. Nicolas and Donald reach the temple, and select Sense of Touch. Good, I was hoping someone would. Ronald and Christina reach the flower shop, much to the Bickersons' frustration. Donald hands over his pack to Nicolas again, interviewing that he doesn't want to let Nick down. Nicolas says he'd let himself down if he didn't assist his grandfather. Aw.

They arrive at the robot soccer fields, and set about learning how to control their players. Donald's worried. He says that he doesn't play video games, and grunts "son of a bitch" as his robots flail. Jennifer has her first charming interview of the whole damn race, as she says that sniffing so much made her light-headed, and the wall of colorful flowers made her feel like she was in a Pink Floyd video. Hehe. Ronald and Christina sniff. Ronald interviews that he's trying to be more encouraging this leg, but I'm not going to waste much time congratulating him on treating his daughter with respect. Nicolas picks up the hang of his robot, but on the first kick, it trips over the ball and falls down. He bounces back quickly, though, and soon, he's scored his goal. Now, it's up to Donald. TK and Rachel are still in the cab. The teams at the flower shop keep sniffing. It's not a bad task by any means, but I still can't pretend that watching four people bent over with flared nostrils is that exciting, no matter how many blaring horns they put on the soundtrack. Donald has trouble with his robot. The Bickersons track down their real flower, and quietly celebrate, so as not to tip off Ron and Christina. Greenie hands over the next clue.

Rrrrrrrip! It's time to travel by taxi to the next pitstop, Tempozan Park. It features a nifty Ferris wheel, and the last team here...may be eliminated. The Bickersons haul ass, the elusive first-place finish still on their minds. Ronald and Christina find a flower. They try to be quiet, not realizing they're the only ones in the shop. The Bickersons can't find an English-speaking driver who knows where the park is. Greenie hands Ronald and Christina their clue. Christina asks a driver in Japanese about the park, and they're soon on their way. Nathan and Jennifer unsuccessfully try to hail another cab. "Damn it!" Jennifer says. Ooh, she said "damn"! The Bickersons never curse!

Commercials. The Statue of Liberty takes another disaster movie beating. Poor gal can't catch a break.

The Bickersons find someone who can explain to a taxi driver what they want. They thank him, but the happiness is short-lived when Jennifer complains that Nathan pushed her into the cab, which he denies. Oh, shut the fuck up, both of you. Christina is pleased that Ronald has yet to lose his temper in this leg, which is 1) sad and 2) not true, although she may just be counting the times he loses his temper with her. Nathan is telling Jennifer he didn't push her, just guided her in with his hand. There's a black and white flashback to support him on this, but I have I mentioned that they both need to shut the fuck up? They do. Donald picks up the trick of the robots, and triumphantly makes his goal. They're off to the pitstop. Donald admiringly says he doesn't think he could have done this race with another partner. Ronald and Christina's driver has to pull over for directions. The lead teams approach the pitstop. Phil waits, along with a greeter wearing waaaaaay too much makeup. I mean, it'd be okay if she were a geisha (which would have been cool), but this lady looks like she's about to go onstage in a production called The Matador and the Drag Queen.

But enough of that, because who's running up to the mat? It's Ronald and Christina, whose language skills just gave them the edge over the Bickersons, who, to my knowledge, have yet to utter a single foreign word. Phil gives them a terrific look, like, "No fucking way!". He tells them that they're team number one, and they whoop in joy. They win electric vehicles. Zzzzz. I mean, yay for the environment, but I'd still want a trip somewhere. Poor Ronald and Christina keep winning lame things. Christina again praises her father for keeping his temper in this leg, and he hopes that they can keep on being a cohesive team. The Bickersons arrive as team number two. First place hates them as much as the rest of us do. In their end-of-leg interview, Jennifer says they keep falling behind because they're bickering. Shout-out! Nathan says that "the best team is going to finish last". Scratching Needle of Oh No, You Di'int. Jennifer looks at him and says "finish last?", and he corrects himself to "finish first on the last leg". Oh, Nathan. Good thing you're pretty. Nicolas and Donald arrive as team number three. The sun has set by now, and the Ferris wheel is bathed in green light. Eerie. Donald says he's still in it, despite being forty-five years older than everyone else on the race. The greeter cocks her eyebrow in an "OK, old man" expression.

Montage of TK and Rachel as they go through all of the leg's tasks in under a minute. We hear standard elimination talk: They're glad for the experience, they're not upset, they love each other, and so on. Rachel does the Roadblock, and they choose Sense of Smell for their Detour. In the taxi to the pitstop, TK laughs that she easily stuck her hand into a bushel of roses that all looked identical, and yanked out the real one. They giggle. Once at the pitstop, Phil duhs that they are the last team to arrive. But good news! This is the last non-elimination point of the race. They're three hours behind everyone else, and will have to contend with the Speed Bump next week, but I'm glad to see a likable team spared. TK promises that they'll do their best to catch up. Here's hoping you can, King Granola. I'd kind of like to see what you two do with a million bucks.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Nathan stops shaving. Ick. Jennifer hates TK. Nicolas says the other teams are pansies. Christina asks an agent to ignore other teams' requests. Ooh, the gloves are coming off!

Overall Grade: B-