Sorry, Guys, I'm Not Happy To See You

The Amazing Race - Season 12, Episode 10

Previously on The Amazing Race: Four teams left Mumbai for Osaka, Japan. Ron was his usual tetchy self at the beginning of the leg, while TK got screwed over by a ticket agent. Donald was tired. The Bickersons were bitchy. Christina and Ronald rose to first place, while TK and Rachel's poor flights shuffled them to the back. The way back. I think I finished this leg before TK and Rachel. However, the groovy couple was spared by the last non-elimination point, and now have a Speed Bump to contend with. Four teams still remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. Most people look progressively worse as the race goes on, but TK has never looked more tragic than in these introductory shots. Seriously, how cute would he be if he got a decent haircut?

Osaka, Japan. Phil tells us that it is a "gateway city". Hey, us too! Rock on, Osaka. Phil wonders who will make it past this leg to become the three teams that will race to the finish. Only one way to find out. Ronald and Christina are off the mat first at 7:02 AM. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to travel by taxi to "the building with a hole in it", then find "The Floating Garden". Phil explains that the building is the Umeda Sky Building, and the garden, a rooftop observatory. Ronald and Christina grab a taxi, and Christina interviews about how proud she is of the progress Ron's made in not yelling his head off every fifteen minutes. The Bickersons leave the mat at 7:15 AM. As they get a cab, we learn that today is Jennifer's birthday. Aw, happy birthday! I know what you should wish for. The Bickersons know how important this leg is, and they vow not to be all Mr. Nice Guy, because they've been the epitome of grace and gentility up until now. Nicolas and Donald leave the mat at 7:21 AM. They know to go straight to the Umeda Sky Building, so I'm not sure if the clue was as vague as Phil pictured it. Donald says he's doing all he can to keep up with the race's frantic pace.

Everyone arrives at the Umeda Sky Building, and they discover a sign that says it opens at 10:00 AM. So, instead of leaving the country as they usually do at the beginning of legs, there's one more Osaka task that juuuuuuuuust so happens to hold up the lead teams for a few hours. How convenient! They should have just gone ahead and written Bullshit Task That Allows TK and Rachel To Make Up Some Time, Because Otherwise, This Leg Would Be Really Boring on the clue. 10:00 AM rolls around, and the three lead teams dash for the elevators. Those elevators must move pretty quickly, because there's an outbreak of "WOOO!" amongst the teams. Although there's some jockeying for position on the escalator to the roof, and some sniping from Nathan about how Jennifer needs to wait for him, everyone pretty much gets the clue at the same time. Rrrrrrrip! It tells them to fly to Taipei, Taiwan. When they land, they'll get a cab to Taipei Main Station, where the next cluebox awaits. I don't think the ride up and down the building took eighteen minutes, but here are TK and Rachel, leaving the mat at 10:18 AM. They're set to throw themselves into this leg, Speed Bump and all.

The three lead teams grab taxis to the airport. Nicolas says that they've been playing the game like "bitches" so far, but so has everyone else, so they need to be aggressive in this leg to beat all the "pansies" that are left. I'm trying to decide if that's really insulting or really true. It certainly has been a more civil race than in seasons past, but I think that's a good thing. I'm not entertained by team spats, so I was happy to just watch everyone race their best, without taking a lot of time out to get into big fights about who was in line first, or who's following who, or whatever. TK and Rachel do not get off to a good start, as they wander in the shrubbery around the Umeda Sky Building. Ronald and Christina fret about elimination, but Christina comforts herself with the thought that they're a smarter team than the Bickersons or Nicolas and Donald. I don't know about Nick and Don, but the editors are only too happy to provide evidence for the former. "I know absolutely nothing about Taiwan except... We think Thai food's pretty good," Nathan says. And, point to Christina.

LabRat: "That was really racist."
Limecrete: "No, it wasn't. You have to understand the races before you can be racist."

TK and Rachel spot the sign for the Floating Garden Observatory, and go into the building. They see the operating hours sign, and now know that the other teams aren't nearly as far ahead as they were before. Rachel wants to stay on the ground floor, saying that a "garden" would naturally be down. Yes, but what about the "floating", Rachel? What direction does that suggest? TK talks her into getting on the elevator. Ronald and Christina haul ass into the airport, and spot a flight departing for Taipei at 1:00 PM. TK and Rachel are more tense in their elevator ride than they've been at any other point. The three lead teams all hit different ticket counters at the airport, and Christina begs the agent to be allowed onto the 1:00 PM flight. The Bickersons ask for it too, and an agent says that she's going to check availability. Nicolas and Donald are at an Air Japan counter, and learn of a 1:35 PM flight. They seem happy enough to just beat TK and Rachel to Taiwan. Which probably won't be too difficult, as the two of them are walking right by the cluebox, too busy getting snippy with each other (for the first time ever) to spot it.

The agent helping Ronald and Christina tells them that they're confirmed on the flight. That settled, Christina gets shifty, and asks an agent to tell the other teams that the flight is full. I'm not a fan of this tactic, and the reasons why are well-documented, but given the outcome of this leg, I'm going to give Christina a pass on this one. Now, I don't know if the flight really is full, and the agent just kind of agreed to Christina's request because she knew it wouldn't make a difference, or if Christina is really so charming as to persuade an airline agent into lying and ignoring her job duties to help her out. In any event, she tells the Bickersons that they will not be joining Ronald and Christina on the 1:00 PM flight. The Bickersons smell a rat, but Christina plays dumb. The Bickersons respond to this as they respond to everything, and get into a pointless fight. Christina gives the camera an evil smile. Jennifer crabs that she can't believe that Nathan's treating her so badly on her birthday. I guess she has carte blanche to be a bitch today.

TK and Rachel have done a full lap, and have now discovered the cluebox. Rachel correctly figures that they were so busy freaking out that they missed it. I'm glad there's a team that can learn that lesson. Now, they just need to write it on a postcard and mail it to the Bickersons. They leave for the airport, grateful for the small favor that they didn't go back down to the ground level to search there. Nicolas and Donald discover a slightly earlier flight that leaves at 1:15 PM, and book tickets. This is also the one that the Bickersons get dumped onto. So Ronald and Christina have wormed their way out in front, and Christina tells the camera that she's not afraid to play dirty, and to just let her father stand back and be the innocent party. Ronald's happy with that, too. Heh. They take off, and the Bickersons/Nick/Don leave fifteen minutes later. At 2:51 PM, Ronald and Christina arrive. The second flight gets in at 3:05 PM. The Bickersons head for a money exchange counter, while Nicolas and Donald run for Customs. The line there is so long, that TK and Rachel catch up, and happily join the other teams. Rachel does a spazzy little cheerleader kick that is totally hilarious. The other teams' reactions are pretty predictable. Nicolas and Donald are like "Hey", while the Bickersons consider it a personal affront.

Commercials. It was a cute idea for a commercial and everything, but please stop asking me to admire people who lose their shit because they can't get a particular kind of fast food burger. Those people are called losers.

Ronald and Christina arrive at the train station, leap from their cab, and run like merry hell for the cluebox. These two are not messing around this week. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to take a high-speed rail to the city of Taichung, then a taxi to the town of Jiji. The next clue awaits at a place called Acrobatics Jeep. The lagging teams arrive, and grab cabs. Rachel points out to her cameraman that it's not like they're personally insulting Jennifer by racing as hard as they can. Jennifer spends the cab ride indulging in a hate fantasy about ripping TK's hair out. She and Nathan may fight all the time, but they are two obnoxious peas in a pod. Although I can sort of get behind the whole let's-get-rid-of-TK's-hair suggestion. Ronald and Christina buy rail tickets, and Christina has the presence of mind to ask for a timetable she can take with her. Get used to this ruthless efficiency at every step. Ronald and Christina show no signs of waning. They board the high-speed rail, which looks like grand fun.

The rest of the teams start arriving at the station to get their clues. TK and Rachel arrive after the Bickersons, but purchase their tickets from the vending machine, rather than waiting in line. Nicolas and Donald are a bit behind, but manage to make it onto the train with the others. Ronald and Christina arrive in Taichung and get a taxi. The rest of the teams arrive. Jennifer goes a few steps in the wrong direction, so TK and Rachel are first to the cabs. Nicolas and Donald are a few steps behind, so we can finally savor the Bickersons' "Currently in Last Place" caption for a few moments. I have to say, of all of Jennifer's whining, the type I enjoy least (oh yeah, she does it so often, we're into subclasses of whining) is the addition of -UH to the end of her complaint. "Come on, Naaaaate-UH!". Bleh. Ronald and Christina arrive at Acrobatics Jeep, and rip the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Roadblock! "Who's ready to go for a tricky ride?" Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member must be a passenger in a Jeep, whose driver will drive it onto a tilting platform, then roll it back and forth. Then, they'll get into another car that will be driven underwater for about seventeen seconds. Once they're done with both rides, the task is complete. Easy-peasy. Essentially, the task is "Sit still, then don't drown".

Ronald takes the Roadblock. Even though the task itself is easy, it still appears to be a fairly blood-chilling ride. To be in a car that rolls back and forth several feet off the ground has got to get the old heart pumping. Ronald says "Whoa!" a hundred million times. The other teams are riding. Now, it's Nick's turn to fantasize about getting rid of TK's hair. In this case, it's his beard. We're all agreed. Haircut for TK! Ronald finishes his tilting ride, and heads for the underwater one. Christina reminds him to hold his breath. Heh, I'm pretty sure he'd be able to figure that one out, but thanks for the advice. The underwater ride looks pretty nifty; I think I'd want to do this task. Ronald makes it out without dying, and gets the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now take a high-speed rail back to Taipei, then find the GK Teahouse. Once there, they'll drink a cup of tea, which has the next clue printed in Chinese at the bottom. Christina and Ronald grab a cab to the station, and Christina consults her handy timetable, knowing that there's a train at 7:16 PM. The driver doesn't think they'll be able to make that one, but they'll certainly make the one after it.

TK and Rachel arrive at the Roadblock, where Rachel takes it on. She also reads off the fact that the Jeep ride is first-come, first-served, so when other teams arrive, they'll have to wait for her to finish. That gives TK and Rachel some much-needed padding. The Bickersons are next to the Roadblock, where Nathan takes it. Nicolas and Donald are only a few steps behind, and Donald takes it. Rachel cackles through her tilt-o-ride. As she gets started on her underwater ride, Nathan may start the tilt-o-ride. TK and Jennifer actually bond for a moment over how cool the ride looks. When Rachel finishes her underwater ride, she comes across the Speed Bump. So now is the time that she and TK have to complete their extra task. Luckily, it's a quick one. They'll make their way just over a mile to a field, where they'll take part in a traditional Chinese ritual. They'll put on safety suits, and run through a gauntlet of fireworks that are being fired right at them. Then they'll get buckets of water thrown onto them. OK, that's quite a ritual, Taiwan. When they're done, they may go back and rejoin the race. They get a cab.

Nathan starts his underwater ride, so Donald starts the tilt-o-ride. His face remains completely impassive during the tilts, although he does mutter about how he hopes the fucking brakes are working, and how it's fucking crazy. Hehe. Nathan finishes the underwater ride, so the Bickersons head back to the rail station. Donald starts the underwater ride, and makes it across with no apparent death. Yay! To the railway station! Speaking of which, Ronald and Christina are just arriving there, and run, run, run. They make the 7:16 PM train with about three minutes to spare. TK and Rachel run through the fireworks extravaganza, which TK compares to running through a war zone. As they get doused with the buckets of water, the Bickersons arrive at the railway station. TK and Rachel head back to Acrobatics Jeep, talking about how "bitchin'" the Speed Bump was. Although the Bickersons have made it in plenty of time to run for the 7:36 PM train, the computer system disagrees, having already stopped allowing the sale of those tickets. Oh, snap! That was a close one. So the Bickersons, along with the just-arriving Nicolas and Donald, are stuck on the 8:00 PM train. TK and Rachel come back to the Roadblock, and get their teahouse clue. In the cab, TK guesses that they didn't lose too much time on the Speed Bump, while Jennifer tells Nick and Don she's praying TK and Rachel don't catch the 8:00 train. Nick and Don don't appear to give a crap.

Commercials. Have the guys at the Pepto Bismol marketing department gone completely out of their minds?

TK and Rachel arrive at the railway station, and head straight for the ticket vending machines. They have no problem scoring 8:00 tickets, so they're all caught up. Whee! TK is thrilled to see "Nick's big head" coming around the corner. Heh. Rachel does some more cheerleader dance moves. Nicolas tells Donald he just got WOOOO-ed by TK and Rachel. Once on the train, he passes along the info to the Bickersons. "Oh my gooooooooooosh-UH!" Jennifer bleats. Arrrrgh! Shut up! She settles back into her seat, pissed as all hell. Ronald and Christina arrive in Taipei, and get a cab to the teahouse. TK and Rachel are wowed that they've been through an extra task, and still managed to catch up. Not to pop their balloon, because I'm happy they're still in it, but that task? Not too difficult. Jennifer's odd sense of morality peeks back up to say "I just don't understand why we're working so hard. TK and Rachel just slack off, and they caught up to us."

I don't even know where to begin deconstructing that quote. With the fact that the Bickersons wouldn't have to work so hard if they made more intelligent decisions? With the demonstrably false accusation that TK and Rachel somehow floated into the final four without any effort? I think the thing that bothers me most is the "why we're working so hard" bit. If she had said "I just don't understand how TK and Rachel keep catching up, because we've been working so hard," she'd still be wrong, but at least it'd be phrased in terms of the completely understandable frustration with the inability to shake a team off your tail. But that "why" (as in "why bother") reinforces the fact that Jennifer doesn't just want to win. She feels entitled to win. She thinks that because she and Nate run around screaming and approaching each task in complete hysterics, she's worked harder than TK and Rachel, and thus, they should have the civility to politely stand aside and let her win. It's a lot to ascribe to a casually bitchy remark, but I bet I'm right. Nicolas gleefully rubs salt in her wound by asking if she's going to go say hello to them, and blow them a couple of kisses. Heh. He and Don go to talk to TK and Rachel, and gossip about how Jennifer's taking other teams' racing as a personal insult. TK nails it when he says that "people" (read: Jennifer) think that he and Rachel don't care that much about the race, simply because they don't scream in each other's faces every fifteen seconds. The four of them bond over how much the Bickersons suck.

Ronald and Christina arrive at the teahouse. They blow on their hot cups of tea (which is a very odd shade of red) to cool it down. The second train arrives in Taipei. Jennifer says that the next part of the leg will be the most intense section of the entire race. No kidding. The lagging teams get off the train, and bolt for taxis. Nicolas and Donald keep away from the others, while Jennifer prevents her driver from talking to TK and Rachel's. Everyone's feeling the pressure. The Bickersons really, really don't want to get eliminated on Jennifer's birthday. Ronald and Christina finish their tea, and Christina reads out the clue in Chinese. For those of us unfortunate enough not to understand, Phil explains that the clue directs teams to walk to the nearby Gong Guan night market, where a scary-ass clown will hand over the next clue. I don't think "scary-ass" was actually written in the cup, but it should have been.

Ronald and Christina get a little direction from nearby locals. The lagging teams ride and fret. Ronald and Christina arrive at the market, which looks really neat, and spot the juggling clown on his unicycle. Bozo hands over the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! Fire or Earth. In Fire, teams find their way to Zhongzheng Park (and thanks for not giving me a caption on that, jerkwads) to take part in a "mystical Chinese ritual". First, they write messages of luck, whether it be good or bad, on paper lanterns. Then, they burn paper "spirit money" underneath the lanterns to fill them with enough hot air to get them to float into the sky. Once a team gets twenty lanterns up, they'll receive their next clue. In Earth, teams make their way to a marked area of the Youth Park. Then, they must walk down and back a 220-foot path of jagged stones on bare feet. When both team members finish, they'll get the next clue. Wait, that's all there is to Earth? I suppose it would hurt a bit, but compared to twenty lanterns, this is a no-brainer. Ronald and Christina read my mind, and say that while Earth is gonna hurt, it will certainly be faster. Christina asks a cab driver (in Chinese) if he knows where the Youth Park is, and he does. They're off.

Nicolas and Donald are at the teahouse, and not enjoying their brew. Nick advises Donald to drink it as fast as he can. TK and Rachel's driver is puttering around a bit. The Bickersons are yelling at theirs. As with last week's disgust that Japanese people speak Japanese, it's unpleasant, but doesn't even scratch the surface of the Ugly Americanism previous teams have shown. I think my dislike for the Bickersons is pretty well-established by now, and I wouldn't sign them up to be U.N. Goodwill Ambassadors anytime soon, but they've generally been pretty nice to the world's citizens. Well, except each other. TK and Rachel arrive at the restaurant, just as Nick and Don are running out. Nicolas finds someone to translate the cup, and he gives them the heads-up on the night market and tells them to "search a happy clown". Ha! Forget the Osaka taxi-driving Roadblock. Searching a happy clown sounds far more terrifying. TK and Rachel ascertain that they may take their cups with them, so they leave the teahouse, and drink their tea outside. Jennifer spots them finishing as the Bickersons run in. TK and Rachel get directions to the night market. The Bickersons finish their tea, and find a nice lady willing to walk them to the market.

Ronald and Christina arrive at the Youth Park. Locals play chimes and drums as they get started. They don't seem to have much issue with the stones. Ronald seems to be almost enjoying them. Christina, on the other hand, interviews that it felt like her feet were being eaten by piranhas. They shuffle along. The lagging teams converge on the market, and search for the clown. Ronald and Christina finish the Detour, and get the clue that sends them to this week's pitstop, the Chiang Kai-Shek Memorial Hall Plaza, a monument to the late president. It's purty. Last team here will watch their dream of a million-dollar prize go up in smoke. Ronald and Christina get a taxi, knowing that they've run a flawless leg, and talking happily about how they're a real team now.

LabRat: "That's easy to say when you're in a country where you speak the language."

Nicolas and Donald find the clown. "Are you the happy guy?" Donald asks. Hehe. They get their Detour clue, and choose Earth. They make themselves scarce so the other teams won't see them, and go to get a cab. Next to the clown is TK and Rachel, who also choose Earth. And finally, the Bickersons find Bozo, and make the Detour choice unanimous by selecting Earth. They really didn't make Fire sound the least bit appealing. While Nick/Don/TK/Rachel search for cabs, a local woman tells the Bickersons they'll have to take the subway to Youth Park, because traffic's too bad for cabs. Hang on, I have to go write Awesome Local Woman a personal check with "XIE XIE!" written in the memo line. The other teams find cabs. Nathan flat-out asks Jennifer if she's sure she doesn't want to ask a cab about getting to Youth Park. "NO, TRAFFIC'S BAD! IT'LL TAKE TOO LONG!" she snaps. Oh, happy birthday from us all. When you're a long-time fan of this show, you pick up a few things, and one of those things is that even when locals decry bad traffic and suggest a train (bus, etc.), taxis are faster about 90% of the time. And naturally, here go Nick/Don/TK/Rachel, having no traffic problems at all. The Bickersons find out that they'll have to take a train to Ximen Station, where they can catch a bus to the Youth Park. This should be setting off all sorts of alarms in their heads, but only Nathan hears the clanging. He once again suggests asking if a cab would be faster, and Jennifer insists on hopping the train.

Teams ride in their various forms of transport. The Bickersons arrive at Ximen, and run up to the street, where Nathan says for the third time that a cab would certainly be faster than a bus. For once, Jennifer seems to waffle, and if Nathan had stuck to his guns, who knows how this leg would have turned out? But he also waffles, so they pick now -- NOW -- to get into another one of their trademark ridiculous fights. I'm so done with it at this point, that the only detail I'll go into is that Jennifer says "I'm not freaking out-UH!" Gaaaaaaah! They shout us into the commercials.

Commercials. Ah, blessed ads. No Bickerson sniping for at least two minutes. It's like a little vacation.

As they board their bus, Nathan sadly tells Jennifer that she's a poor teammate. She invokes the Birthday Rule; only she is allowed to be mean right now. They hate each other some more. Not hating each other is Ronald and Christina, who arrive at the pitstop, and start running up to the mat. Christina tells Ron she loves him, and we hear his first "I love you, too" of the race. Awwwwww! They hit the mat as team number one. Welcome to the finals! They get some more good news, as they finally win a pitstop prize worth winning: a trip to Curacao. Christina says she's never been so proud to be Ronald's daughter. The greeter is really pretty, by the way. TK and Rachel arrive at Earth, and see that Nicolas and Donald have already gotten started. Everyone is too worried about elimination to care much about the pain, though TK advises Rachel that the faster she moves, the less it'll hurt. The Bickersons arrive at Youth Park, but haven't spotted the area with the Detour. TK and Rachel finish walking the path, and get their pitstop clue. The Bickersons spot the Detour. Nicolas and Donald finish. TK snags a cab, to Donald's dismay. The Bickersons are tearing through the Detour. TK's driver doesn't know where the pitstop is. How can you drive a cab, and not know where your city's giant memorial landmark is?

The Bickersons reach the halfway point. TK and Rachel get a cab. TK says that he doesn't want to see Nick and Don eliminated, but it is, after all, a competition. The Bickersons finish the Detour. Aaaaaaah! Nicolas and Donald finally get a cab. The Bickersons get a cab. AAAAAAAH! All three teams are freaking out. Jennifer mumbles "I don't want to get eliminated" over and over, like a mantra. TK and Rachel arrive at the pitstop, and run up to the mat as team number two. Yay! Welcome to the finals! Rachel takes the opportunity to score a point off the Bickersons by saying that she and TK have been trying their hardest all day, and they didn't get to this point by just being lucky. So now it's a race to be the final surviving team. Nick and Don ride. The Bickersons ride. A team approaches. AAAAAAAH! It... Is... Nick and Don! YAAAAY! Welcome to the finals! Donald interviews that their initial goal was just not to be the first team out, and now they've accomplished their ultimate goal to make the final three. Woo! The Bickersons approach the mat. Phil tells them they're the last team to arrive, and that they are eliminated.

Limecrete: "Happy birthday, snatch."

They say it sucks big time, that they did the best they could, that they've learned a lot about each other, and blah blah blah. Honestly, I was too busy doing only the third Race Dance since this show's inception to pay much attention. They take a few moments to rue concentrating on the race instead of their relationship. Nathan cries, and gives us a final "Darn it!" They hug, and Nathan lifts Jennifer into his arms. I fail to reach for the Kleenex. We're thankfully spared the traditional "Ooooh, we're gonna win!" pissing match from the remaining teams.

Wow, what an episode. This is a historical moment. It's not just that we're finally rid of the annoying Bickersons, although that is certainly a reason to celebrate. We're looking at some firsts, here. Go back to the beginning and take a look at the eleven teams. Are these the three you thought were going to be the ones left standing at the end? I'm shocked. In the best way. As mentioned in the comments, this is not the first time an oldster has made the finals, but it's still a rarity, and they've never won. A family (parent/child, grandparent/child, sibling) team has never won, unless you count the abominable all-family season, which nobody does. And this is literally the first time that I truly don't mind any of the final three teams winning. In all of the previous eleven seasons, at least one of the final three teams was an unsatisfactory possibility for the win. Sometimes they were vanquished. Sometimes they weren't. But they were there, threatening to bring the race to a disappointing conclusion. I always thought "I don't care who wins at this point" was a depressing attitude, but in this case, it's a sentiment of relief. The first guaranteed happy ending. Now there's a present I'm thrilled to unwrap. Thanks, Bickersons.

Next week on The Amazing Race: The race to the finish line! TK and Rachel get pinched by crabs. The seafood kind, you pervs. Donald takes Nicolas to task for misinterpreting a clue. Ronald hopes Christina isn't about to fall off of an ice wall. Speedboats! Running! Knives! Awesome old men! Someone wins a nice chunk of change.

Overall Grade: A+