America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 2
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Another troop of squealing pig-girls descended upon us, hoping to use the show as a stepping stone to make it big in the world of modeling. You know, like Nicole did. Who? Exactly. Marvita was slightly less crazy than in her Season 9 audition, but didn't waste much time before making enemies. Fatima pissed others off as well, but wants to educate the world about the horrors of genital mutilation, so I guess she's allowed to be a jerkweed. An extra girl was let into the finals, so we now have fourteen to contend with. Aiiiie!
New opening credits, which get worse every time they're revamped. They're helpful with matching faces to names, though: Anya (Hawaiian Marblemouth), Atalya (Normal Girl), Whitney (Big Whitney 2), Fatima (er...Fatima, though I don't think I'm giving away too much to surmise that she may be snatching the coveted Bitch title soon), Kimberly (Pug Fugly Blond), Dominique (referred to as the Bitch in Episode 1, though we'll see no further evidence of that tonight), Marvita (Grace Jones Wannabe), Amis (Man-Faced Hag), Aimee (Boring Girl), Allison (Snotty Teen), Stacy-Ann (Perky Child Bride), Claire (Not-Pretty-But-Fascinating Girl), Katarzyna (Polish Import), and Lauren (Gawky Weirdo). God DAMN, that's a lot of girls. Let's start trimming the fat! Or the skinny, as the case may be.
New York City. The girls gather in what appears to be a coffee shop for no reason whatsoever. Marvita describes to us again about how she used to be homeless, and it really says a lot that the girls' trials and tribulations are such a constant background on this show that it's become white noise. Way to make me stop caring about rape, Tyra. Marvita also takes a moment to grill Amis about why she chose that name. You see, since there would be no possible way to discern between Amy and Aimee, Tyra has said that one of them will have to adopt a different name. Yeah, having two people with the same first name is a real head-scratcher. Last initials what? Amis mentions that it's a Biblical name that sort of sounds like Amy, and seizes the opportunity to suggest that if there's one person who doesn't get to make fun of silly, made up names, Marvita.... Heh.
A bemused delivery boy drops off some Tyra Mail, which of course causes the girls to squeal some more. It's a map to the model pad. Yes, the girls must find their way there, instead of just being dropped there in the first place. Gotta fill the hour, I guess. The pad is a loft in an apartment building, and as usual, is decked out with pictures of past contestants. Not Adrianne, of course. She's just a figment of our imaginations. The "theme" of the house is passion, and some of the winners' portraits are augmented by signs mentioning what causes they support. There's also portrait of Robin, and her "If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything" quote is stenciled nearby. The facts that Robin was a bigoted, hypocritical snatch, that she used that quote to get out of a photo shoot she didn't feel like doing, and that she got eliminated ten minutes later aren't mentioned. I guess we're just supposed to pretend Robin was really deep, like a latter-day Gandhi with a propensity for leather skirts. Anya says something marble-mouthed. She, Jael, and Christian would get along like a house on fire. There are "No Smoking" signs posted in the loft, so Kimberly, Fatima, and Amis go out onto the street to light up. This somehow offends Atalya, who appears to think the signs refer to the entire city block. Weirdo.
Amis babbles and babbles about nothing. Fatima (whose hair is mysteriously straight all of a sudden) tells her that she's a blabbermouth, and that she'll have trouble making people take her seriously. As always with the girls who attack others for real flaws, I'm kind of torn between "Wow, that was rude" and "Preach it, sister!" Amis handles it better than most girls would, telling Fatima that she's being abrasive, but admitting to being a blab. Marvita makes a mental note to keep an eye on Fatima. The next day, Fatima's hair has magically recurled itself. Miss J and OJ show up, and everyone piles into a bus to take a tour of New York. OJ describes the wonders of Fashion Week, and there's a shot of Kimberly, bored out of her gourd. As the sun sets, the bus arrives at Times Square, where the Jays tell the girls that they'll be doing a runway show right there. The girls deliver their requisite squeals before going back to hair and makeup.
I like to make fun of this show's ridiculous attempts to paint itself as Serious Business, but even I have to admit that the nighttime, Times Square runway show is pretty damn cool. Not that the surroundings help the girls. Marvita clomps down the runway, looking at her feet the entire time. Kimberly disdains the fact that her outfit is so expensive. You can tell how disgusted she's getting with the whole enterprise. Poor Kimberly just wants to go pick up a T-shirt or two at Target. After Marvita, most of the girls do a serviceable to good job on the runway, save Lauren, who may have the worst walk I've ever seen. When they come backstage after the show, Fatima swats Marvita in the head. It appears to be an accident, though it would have been very easy to do on purpose. Marvita confronts her, and Fatima denies hitting her intentionally, and doesn't even offer an apology. Yeah, my apologies to Dominique. The Bitch crown is jumping heads. To her credit, Marvita keeps a lid on her temper, interviewing that Fatima's just trying to provoke her.
When the girls get back to the pad, electronic Tyra Mail awaits, which prompts more squealing. It's something vague about new faces making a good first impression. The next day, the girls go to the modeling agency that will represent the winner, where they're introduced to Paulina Porizkova. She tells the girls that criticism will be harsh in this industry, so why not get started on ripping their self-esteem apart now? She tells Amis she has bad skin, Dominique that she looks like a drag queen, Kimberly that she's too High School Musical, and Marvita that she has a smooshy face. That bitchery dispensed with, the girls are given directions to their first photo shoot. They have to find their way there, too? Is this a new, whinier season of The Amazing Race? The girls hop into a stretch taxi. You heard me. On the way to the shoot, Fatima needles Marvita some more, and Marvita, aside from telling Fatima that she's the first "mean African" Marvita's ever met, refuses to engage her.
The girls arrive at the shoot, and are met by OJ, who's wearing an even more hideous outfit than usual. It's like a light gray, vinyl trenchcoat. He puts on his Serious Voice to tell the girls that they'll be dealing with the issue of Homeless Youth today. And how are Tyra and Company going to help alleviate this crisis? Why, they're going to style the girls as homeless, while actual homeless women will be glammed up to share the picture with them. They get to dress up for a while before going back to their cardboard boxes? Aw, that's so giving! Screw that Mother Teresa loser. Tyra's doing this, plus the day she dressed up as a homeless woman for her talk show, plus the whopping $286.50 she gave to Goodwill. Clearly, she's the best humanitarian of all time. Hair and makeup. After Fatima's shoot, she and Marvita call a truce, bonding over their pasts of homelessness and molestation. I'm not sure whether to give that an "Aw" or an "Ew". As to the shoot, most of the girls do a fairly good job, though Amis sucks.
Back at the pad, Tyra Mail announces the upcoming elimination. Atalya and Claire discuss their nerves, while Kimberly tells Fatima she likes modeling, but hates high fashion. That'll work out well for her. She's like a surgeon who hates the sight of blood. After the commercials, we come into the Chamber of Doom on a picture of Tyra in homeless garb, with a sign that reads "Will Pose For Change". Yeah, she totally takes poverty seriously. The prizes are the same as always, but there is change in the wind. Nigel and Miss J are present to judge (the latter with the stupidest elimination outfit theme to date, ripping a girl's name off his chest as they go), but Twiggy has had enough of this show. And who is there to take her place? Paulina Porizkova! I guess that earlier segment of her ripping on the girls was just to assert her dominance. Before getting to the pictures, Tyra pretends to care about homeless people. That out of the way, let's get to the pretty!
Lauren. She's among my least favorite of the girls, but I like her shot. The judges agree, though Nigel gives her some crap for being nervous at panel. Paulina continues to mark her territory by telling him to cut the girl some slack; people can be nervous for the first couple of weeks. Anya's shot is blah, though the judges like it more than I do. She thankfully keeps her trap shut. Amis' shot is terrible. She's just looking up in what she thinks is a "I'm so sad about being homeless" expression, but is coming across as "Did I turn the oven off?" Paulina hates it. Aimee is still boring. Fatima's shot is excellent, but Tyra says the overall film wasn't very good. Dominique is called a drag queen again, so I guess she's this year's Jaslene. I guess that means she'll win. Her shot's fine, though Tyra tells her to stop squatting in her pictures. Allison is told the homeless women are outshining her, and that OJ said her Pilates training is working against her. What'ere. I'm just distracted by her similarity to Sarah Silverman.
Whitney's shot is great, and she did a wonderful job at the Times Square runway challenge, too. If the plus size thing doesn't do her in, she's a sleeper. Of course, whenever I say that about a girl, she's eliminated within two weeks. Sorry, Whitney. Miss J hated Marvita's runway walk, but her photo is good. Katarzyna has a good picture, though it doesn't knock my socks off. Still, if I had to guess the winner of the season right now, I'd pick her. Not because she's all that, but I can tell the judges love her to pieces. Claire is praised for all but her oddly-placed hand. Atalya's shot is bland, and she's being completely blown out of the water by the homeless women. Stacy-Ann's is also boring. Tyra tells her she did the same five poses on a rotation. Kimberly. Her panel outfit is derided, and Miss J says he's glad to see her smile, because she looked bored to death at the runway show. Tyra asks her if she wants to be here, and Kimberly admits that she's not interested in fashion. Music sting, as if Kimberly just admitted she kills and eats puppies.
Tyra asks her why she even came to the competition, and Kimberly says she wanted to improve her pictures, but can't get into the "designer" thing. I can sort of see where she's coming from, but her nasal voice, combined with the fact that she says "like" as every other word, makes me want to throttle her. Aimee is shaking her head in a panic, silently begging Kimberly to shut up. Tyra does that annoying thing where she chides a girl for taking a place that could have gone to another semi-finalist. The girls aren't psychic, Tyra. Some of them don't know that modeling isn't for them until they start. She asks Kimberly if she wants to go home. Kimberly does. More over-dramatic "OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!" faces from the other girls. Kimberly leaves, and Tyra puts up her best shot for the other girls. The judges say it's good, but I find it meh. In Kimberly's final interview, she just says that her heart wasn't in it. Miss J dramatically tears her picture, because as always, judges like to pretend that they made the decision, and that the power wasn't just snatched away from them. Tyra announces that there will still be an elimination.
Deliberations. Try to watch the judges act as though they couldn't care less about Kimberly's voluntary exit without giggling. I can't do it. Anya is inexplicably popular. Allison is lopsided. Marvita sucks at runway, but is good in other areas. Amis is "warm and lovable", but is a terrible model. Aimee izzzz........ Lauren reminds Paulina of herself. Atalya is blandly pretty. Stacy-Ann had good poses, which is the exact opposite of what they just told her. Katarzyna wears too much makeup. Claire is eager to learn. Whitney is good. And by the way, the judges STILL DON'T CARE about Kimberly quitting. They just want to make really sure that you get that. THEY DON'T CARE. Sure, Tyra. I totally believe you. Dominique is draggy, and wow, am I ever tired of that already. Fatima had one of the best shots of the bunch, but it was her only good picture. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. Anya is safe. Claire. Whitney. Lauren. Aimee. Fatima. Marvita. Katarzyna. Stacy-Ann. Dominique. Allison. Will Atalya and Amis please step forward? Amis is ugly. Atalya is normal. And because this is reality television, we all know what that means. Yep. See ya, Atalya. In her final interview, she says that eliminating her was a big mistake, and that she had a lot of potential. Yeah, but you've never been raped or homeless, so how could you ever be a successful model? Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Makeovers! Who will throw a huge tantrum? Allison and Fatima get into a fight.
Overall Grade: B-
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