The Raw and the Cooked

Top Chef - Season 2, Episode 7

Previously on Top Chef: Betty hoped a woman gets the Top Chef title. Jesus, I've already stopped watching the previews because they give too much away. Do I have to start skipping the previouslies too? Half the chefs won the Quickfire Challenge. The five who lost out had to prepare Thanksgiving dinner (in the middle of summer -- heh). Elia lost her mind for a little while, but found it in a pot of creamy mushroom soup. Frank disparaged Marcel's food, but the scene where he threatened to beat Marcel to a bloody pulp is curiously omitted here. Elia won the challenge, while Carlos' plan to make mediocre food backfired, and he was punted. Nine corn-shuckers remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Cellblock. Elia stretches, and interviews that she has to be sure and think clearly. No letting emotions interfere with her work. I dunno, she let that happen last week, and she won the challenge. Maybe she should go crazy more often. Sam thinks he's got a great shot at winning. He calls himself a "force". Yeah, the force of passive-aggressive whining is pretty powerful. Frank says that he's been on a roll lately, being in the top three in the past four "shots". What the fuck is he talking about? He has yet to win a single Quickfire (excepting last week, when half the chefs won), and he's been in the top three of an Elimination Challenge exactly once. He goes on to say that for the past ten years or so, he's been the best in his field. You'll forgive my skepticism of his great talent, since he just lied (or was grossly mistaken) about his track record on this very show. He closes by saying he'll rely on his abilities to take him "over the top". I'll say.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are taken to the Redondo Beach Farmer's Market, which looks charming. Something bugs me about that apostrophe placement, but I can't say for sure that it's incorrect. Padma meets them, and introduces this week's guest judge, Raphael Lunetta. That sounds like a name from the Harry Potter universe. He's an accomplished chef, and runs a restaurant in Santa Monica. Padma tells the chefs that this week's challenges center around working with limitations. You know, unlike all those other challenges where the chefs are given free reign. The Quickfire Challenge will be to create an entree from ingredients found at the market. The catch is that none of the ingredients can be cooked. The food cannot be heated at any point. Marcel is excited to work with real ingredients, rather than junky snacks or canned food. The chefs are given twenty dollars, and thirty minutes to shop. Then half an hour in the Kitchen to prepare the actual dishes. Go! Food porn ensues. Seriously, those fruits and vegetables look so good. Mia recommends eating raw corn. Really? Is that any good? I'll have to try it sometime. People buy produce and herbs. Michael has no idea what to do. Frank is equally perplexed, but goes for some scallops. Elia gets some tuna.

Back in the Kitchen, people get started. Mia's not nervous in the least. She thinks a nice, hearty salad is the way to go. Frank is making a scallop carpaccio with some radishes and cucumbers. Chopping and tossing ensues. Of the food, that is. Betty is a bit nervous, acknowledging that she hasn't been doing too well lately. Marcel doesn't seem to be a bit worried. Padma enters and gives them a five-minute warning. Michael tries to stack something, and it keeps falling over, because Frank is grating something (besides my nerves), and it's shaking the table. Michael concludes from this that Frank should go home. Um... OK, Michael. Frank should go home for grating food. In a cooking competition. After trying and failing to stack his food again, Michael gets a brainwave and MOVES TO ANOTHER TABLE. Way to crack that mystery, Sherlock. Frank interviews that Michael's a hack, and couldn't cook his way out of a paper bag, unless it had French fries with it. Huh? I guess he was going for a joke there, and couldn't quite pull it together. Betty whirls around the Kitchen in a frenzy. There's a final chopping and plating montage, and time runs out.

Raphael and Padma go down the line. Betty doesn't get a subtitle. Stop making my life difficult, Bravo. I think she said she made a halibut ceviche, and grape guacamole. She pats herself on the back for using more than produce in her dish. Marcel interviews that Betty needs to work on her presentation. Mia has made corn salad with tomatoes, chili, avocado, cucumber, and a creamy lime dressing. Sounds good. But you know me, I'm a sucker for anything that contains lime. Ilan has made a very pretty summer squash with tomato sauce, and an almond and walnut pesto. Raphael calls it a "great little appetizer". Ilan looks peeved. Cliff has prepared a salad with radishes, French beans, cucumber, and bronze fennel, and what's called "tomato butter puree" on the side. It just looks like someone splashed tomato soup on the plate. Elia's made tuna with spinach, onions, sesame, lime, ginger, and garlic. That sounds so, so good. I know. Lime, right? I swear I think the entire thing sounds great. Raphael says it's delicious. Frank presents his scallop carpaccio, saying he's made a lemon vinaigrette for it, and a smoked salmon, radish, cucumber salad with a lemon-honey vinaigrette. It's very well-presented, which Raphael notes. Sam has made a crudo of summer squash and zucchini, with pickled peaches, plums, and grapes. Michael has made a watermelon Napoleon with avocado, cilantro, and salmon jerky. Marcel made a trio of things involving watermelon and tomato, which I wouldn't think mixed well. I'm just going to transcribe the subtitle, because I don't really understand what he's made. Watermelon steak (so...just cut watermelon?), tomato carpaccio (so...just sliced tomato?), nasturtium (I'm assuming pickled watermelon seeds in this case), and a "refresher". Made of what, I don't know. Ilan smarmerviews that Marcel's dish was more of a dessert than an entree. And yours was more of an appetizer, so shut up. I don't know why I'm so weirdly defensive of Marcel these days.

The chefs gather. Padma asks for the three most disappointing dishes. Betty's tasted good, but her presentation was lacking. She's frustrated, though I'll spare you her squeals. Mia didn't use a pretty tomato that she bought. Um... So the fuck what? Whatever. Michael had a good idea, but his execution was off. Frank looks smug. Now for the good news. Elia's dish was concise, but packed a lot of flavor. Frank made a tasty dish and had good presentation. Marcel's watermelon presentation was beautiful. And now the winner of the Quickfire. Marcel. Whee! Ilan looks peeved again. Suck it, sucka! Marcel interviews that it's his first win, and he was proud of his dish, saying that it couldn't have been any more soigne. Ew. See, every time I try to actively like Marcel, he has to say something pretentious and snotty. Ilan is a typically sore loser, saying Marcel thinks more about cooking methods than the actual food (probably true), and that all he made was a "hunk of watermelon". So Marcel has immunity in the Elimination Challenge, which is coming up right after this dinner break.

*Buuuuurp* OK. Elimination Challenge. Padma (who I forgot to mention looks very pretty in this scene, with a simple pink top and dark green skirt) tells the chefs that sometimes breakfast is overlooked as serious food. The challenge will be to make a tasty and satisfying breakfast. Mia calls herself the Queen of Breakfast. Hasn't she also called herself the Queen of Barbecue? Pick a kingdom, Mia. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be cooking for a group of athletes after their morning practice, though the fact that she doesn't say what sport/activity the athletes participate in should ping everyone's radar. Something twisty this way comes. The chefs will have thirty dollars and thirty minutes to shop. Tomorrow morning, the chefs will rise at an ungodly hour, and go cook for the athletes "where they train". She also says that there will be a cooking limitation, but the chefs won't know what that limitation is until they get there. Hey, maybe they'll get pelted by tomatoes! That'd be sweet. The chefs are understandably nervous. Cliff says he's scared shitless.

Commercials. Women, take a break from your hectic lives...and go Christmas shopping. Because that's not stressful at all.

Grocery store. Betty recaps the challenge, or at least what the chefs know of it. Cliff offers some guesses as to what sport the athletes play. Sam is flustered by the mystery limitation. He's got a lot of experience with brunches, but doesn't want to paint himself into a corner. Mia wanders. Frank interviews that he thinks he's going to do a smoked salmon quiche. Everyone stocks up on eggs. Michael has no idea what to do. He decides to buy a roasted chicken, in case there's no heating element at the challenge. Wow, smart idea! From Michael! I know! Cliff considers using wheat or oatmeal. The chefs check out and go back to the Cellblock. Night falls.

3:30 AM. Eeeeeeew. Cliff gives Michael five more minutes to sleep. Awww. Ilan says he didn't sleep that much last night. Sam interviews that this is the most challenging challenge so far. He's wearing a shirt that reads "ALMOND JOI'S AUNT", whatever that means. In the other room, the ladies commiserate about how hard it is for a woman to be respected in the culinary world. They are top chefs, hear them roar. Marcel interviews that his immunity couldn't have come at a better time. He's does a little "I'm-not-gonna-get-eliminated" dance, and it pains me to say that it's completely adorable. Seriously. We cut to some shots of the beach, and there are some surfers out in the water. I guess we know who the athletes are now. A bird looks around with minimal interest. The chefs roll onto the beach, where the judges are waiting. Holy hell, what is Padma wearing now? Denim shorts, a white knit jacket, an open vest revealing a bikini top, and a matching bandana. I mean, she doesn't look bad, but that's like a My Scene Barbie outfit. The judges stand near a firepit and some blankets laid out with dishes and cookware. Elia is glad that she finally gets to go to the "bitch", because she hasn't been to the "bitch" for a while. Hehehe.

Nobody's too thrilled to see that they'll be cooking on a firepit, surrounded by sand. Frank interviews that he's screwed, because there's virtually no way to cook quiche without an oven. Sam also says that had he known about the firepit in advance, he would have completely changed his dish. Padma duhs that the surfers are the athletes, and the firepits are the kitchen. Ptom and Gail are present, of course, but Raphael is out surfing with the rest of the "athletes". The chefs will have 45 minutes to prepare their dishes, and the surfers will be filling out surveys. Their opinions will count towards the final decision. Go! Everyone rushes for the pits. People kneel in the sand to start slicing and chopping. Doesn't look like a fun way to cook. Mia knocks a container of salt into the sand. Whoops! Cliff interviews about what a huge factor the sand is over a shot of Frank knocking some berries onto the ground. Whoops! Mia and Marcel have a tiny little pissing match over whose pan goes on which spot on the firepit, but it doesn't really come to anything. Except when Mia calls herself a "barbecuologist". After using a "word" like that, she doesn't deserve a place on the firepit.

Michael suddenly realizes that he doesn't have his eggs. WHY IS HE STILL IN THIS COMPETITION? Frank interviews that Michael's like his dumb little brother. He's shocked Michael's made it this far. Scratch that, he's shocked Michael even made it to the show. And while I wish I didn't have to say it... Amen, Frank. Michael half-heartedly asks the other chefs if they can spare some eggs. Betty, Sam, and Cliff are good enough to share. Which was very sweet of them, although part of me wishes they'd left him hanging. Michael says "Versatility, baby!" in glee. Who's versatile? You, for having to borrow other people's ingredients? The other chefs, for sharing? Stick to "dude" and "like", Michael. You're safer there. With twenty minutes left, we see that Frank has unwisely chosen to stick with his quiche idea. He makes the crusts, which fall into little bits. And then get attacked by birds. Hehehehe.

The chefs have dry-erase boards to advertise their dishes. Elia's reads "Organic Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner". She interviews that she decided to make something she's made before. It's waffles with butter, syrup, fried beans, fried eggs, and cheese on top, and includes honey and olive oil. She assures us that it'll be good. It certainly sounds good. By the way, as of this episode, Elia's officially my favorite contestant. Mia thinks the surfers will appreciate her crabcakes Benedict with a mango cream sauce. That sounds great, too. Sam planned to call his dish "Green Eggs and Ham", but the final product comes out a grayish brown, so he changes the name to "Scrambled eggs -- Toad in a Hole style". Cooking montage that makes me want to eat breakfast right now, even though I just had dinner. This damn show. Time runs out. Dramatic music plays as a horde of surfers descends upon the chefs. They're coming to eat, music. They're not attacking China. Sam interviews that he normally wouldn't serve what he's made. There's a shot of it, and ick. No kidding. In addition to his ugly hash, he's burned the bread underneath it. It looks awful. He's nervous about elimination.

Commercials. Keep up with that voiceover work, Wendie Malick. I sense that Big Day isn't exactly going to provide much of a nest egg, if you get my drift.

The chefs wildly make final preparations for the onslaught of surfers. Mia interviews that all she had to say was "crabcakes", and she had a long line. It's true. I do some part-time work as a cater waiter, and when I have a tray of crabcakes, they always disappear in a flash. The surfers love it. Ptom tells her she's lucky to have chosen seafood for this crew. He heartily enjoys eating on the beach. I have to give Ptom some credit. Apart from the first episode, he's been exponentially less annoying this season. Elia peddles her food. She interviews that she ran out within seven minutes, and that people told her that "eet was da baaaam". Heh. Gail says that she was worried at first, what with the amount of ingredients that Elia used, but she's pleasantly surprised. Ilan has made a Spanish tortilla, which I haven't had since I was actually in Spain, and looking at it now makes me really want to go back. Ilan is pleased with himself. I know, I may as well have written "Gravity still works". The surfers seem to enjoy his food.

Betty's presentation has improved immensely over the Quickfire, which is odd when you think about the surroundings that each dish was prepared in. She's got toast (I'm happy to see that it's not burnt at all -- probably very difficult to achieve over a firepit) with a Black Forest ham and egg bundle. It's held together with a ribbon of... Leek, maybe? It's pretty. There's also some colorful corn and tomato between the ham bundle and the toast. The judges like it. Betty's pretty confident. Frank has finally given up on the quiche and just called his dish a zucchini and salmon scramble. He's also made a cannoli cream on the side, and tossed some strawberries and a waffle into it. He says he's overcooked his eggs, and Gail agrees, calling them rubbery and brown. Ew. Even if the crusts didn't work, I would think that people wanting to call themselves master chefs could make a serviceable scrambled egg.

Cliff has made a scramble of chicken apple sausage with sweet potato hash, and chive scrambled eggs. Meh. It doesn't sound bad (although I'm not as into sweet potatoes as the rest of the country). But tossing some meat, potatoes, and eggs into a bowl isn't exactly going to set the culinary world aflame. Cliff says that he wishes he could have made something more visually appealing. Ptom agrees that the presentation is sloppy, and Cliff's is the only dish in which the judges get a mouthful of sand. Rut roh. Sam's dish looks like ass, which he freely admits. Michael enjoins people in his stoner voice to have some chicken and egg tacos. Raphael says that tacos are a good, portable food for the beach. Marcel chats up some surfers. We finally see what he's made: poached eggs, hash browns, gravlax, and cream cheese with bacon lardons. Looks good. You won't be alone if you have a good, juvenile giggle at the word "lardon". Marcel affects a faux-surfer accent in his interview. It could use some work. He should talk to Michael or rent Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Speaking of Michael, he's disdainful of Marcel "macking" on the young surfer chicks. He says that Marcel sometimes acts like he's sixteen. No, you read that correctly. Michael. You know, the one who squeezes a pair of his wife's panties for amusement and whose favorite movies involve fucking apple pie? Yeah. He thinks someone else is immature.

The surfers fill out their surveys. A cute couple says that they liked Mia's the best. One woman really liked Elia's. A guy with an ill-advised soul patch says that when he picked up Sam's bagel, everything fell out. Michael tells Sam that he'll be all right, but Sam says he knows for a fact that he'll be in the bottom three. He only hopes someone else did a crappier job than he did. Eating montage. Mia and Elia look at each other with conspiratorial faces. They egg each other on a bit, then start taking off their coats. Mia interviews that she and Elia made a pact to go into the water if they ever found themselves at the beach. Soon, all three ladies are splashing around. Betty doesn't even bother to take her chef's coat off. The surfers run into the water. I hear my mother's disembodied voice taking them to task for going swimming so soon after eating. Marcel jumps into the water. I swear I can see his buttcrack. He begins flirting with Elia, tackling her and pulling her down into the water. Aw. Someone's got a crush! Birds pick at the remains of the food.

Commercials. I'm glad you like Charter, old lady. You're about the only one.

Judges' Table. Raphael calls the challenge "interesting", and says he enjoyed it. Raphael's boring. Padma talks about how the firepits freaked the chefs out, and Ptom is pleasantly surprised that all the chefs (save one) avoided getting sand into their dishes. Gail says that people don't understand how difficult it is to cook an egg well. Um, Gail? A good rule of thumb when it comes to cooking is that if I can do it, pretty much anyone should be able to. And making sure eggs aren't rubbery and brown is easy. She goes on to say that not all of the chefs were successful in translating their preconceived notions about what they were going to make to the actual challenge. True enough. Padma lets us in on the fact that the surfers' top four choices were the three women and Ilan. Betty had clean presentation. Mia's food was great, but lacked in the presentation. Elia chose a risky dish, but the execution was excellent. Gail liked Ilan's dish, though she found the eggs a little overdone. Padma seems to think they were waaaaay overdone. I thought hard eggs were standard in a Spanish tortilla. Whatever, I'm sure they know better than I.

The chefs settle on a top three, and Padma comes back to the Kitchen and calls the three women to the table. They give audible sighs of relief when they're told they're the top three. Yeesh, they were really nervous for a second there. Mia's dish was the surfers' favorite. Elia is given high praise for her mix of sweet and salty flavors. Betty's presentation not only looked good, but served a practical purpose in keeping the ingredients warm. Raphael gets to announce the winner, and Elia scores her second consecutive challenge. Yay! Betty is happy that the top three spots went to the three women. Solidarity, sisters! Padma asks them to send Frank, Sam, and Cliff out to the judges.

There are no interstitial scenes shown, and we go right to the gong noise that announces the losers. The guys are told that they're the bottom three. Frank is asked what he thought of the challenge. He says that he's disappointed in the ingredients he chose and the meal he planned. He outlines what he eventually wound up doing, and demonstrates a verbal tic that I've been hearing a lot lately, and drives me crazy. Naturally, the cooking world is full of argot of foreign origin. I mean, just look up. In this entry alone, we've heard about carpaccio and ceviche and such. So why, for the love that all that is good and holy, do the chefs pronounce all these words with their usual American accent, yet insist on saying the word ricotta like they just stumbled out of Venice yesterday? It's ri-COT-uh, not ree-COHT-ah. Cripes, that bugs. Anyway, Frank is asked what he think went specifically wrong. He guesses that his eggs were overcooked. Bingo. Gail asks what the connection was between his ricotta (and bless her, she says it correctly) cream and the scramble. Frank explains that they would have gone together much better if he'd been able to make the quiche like he'd originally planned. I'll buy that. He's asked what he'd change about his dish, and he says he should have served individual omelets.

Sam tells the judges what he was going for with his dish. Gail points out the obvious fact that it looked extremely unappealing, and says that it was the surfers' least favorite food. Ouch. Ptom asks why they should keep him around. Sam says it's because he's a good chef, which he's proven up until this point. Raphael asks if this has been his toughest challenge to date. Well, dur. Sam duhs that it is, saying he'd rather stand in front of a vending machine to select ingredients. Gail points out that part of the challenge was seeing how well the chefs adapted their original recipes, and Sam failed miserably at that. Sam says that it came down to the ingredients, and that the chefs had to gamble on them, not knowing the eventual cooking conditions. Elia's gamble paid off, and his didn't. That's not a bad response. Cliff is asked why he thinks he's there. He's not sure, but admits that his dish wasn't the most visually appealing one he's ever put out there. He says that given the chance to do it again, he'd prepare his eggs differently. Gail says that it looked sloppy, and that it seemed like not much effort went into it. Padma says that it may have helped if he had put his scramble on top of something, rather than just slopping it in a bowl. Ptom brings up the sand, which suitably embarrasses Cliff. He's asked a similar why-should-we-keep-you question, and he simply answers that he's not done with the competition. He made a bad decision, but there's no way he's going home. Geez, tempt Fate a little more, Cliff. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Ptom is surprised to see chefs that have been very strong in the competition so far wind up at the losers' table. Raphael thinks Frank could have done a lot better, and Padma guesses that he was really put out by the available cooking method. Gail can't get over his charred eggs. That's obviously a dealbreaker for her. Sam's flavors were pretty good, and he could have done a lot more to improve the presentation. Ptom says that the unusual surroundings of the challenge have nothing to do with why he failed. Gail agrees, saying that a lot of the chefs cooked better and smarter than ever before. Cliff had a good idea, but wound up with a bowl of mixed-up stuff. The food itself was good, but the presentation sucked. The judges reach a decision.

Commercials. To each his own, of course, but I'm hoping my friends know me well enough not to give me TGI Friday's gift certificates for the holidays.

The bottom three are called back out. Ptom goes on and on with a tiresome analogy about surfing. I'll spare you the details. What it boils down to is that the judges are looking at how the contestants react to unexpected conditions. Basically, the bottom three just got knocked off their game this week. Frank didn't recover from the quiche mistake. Sam could have rearranged his ingredients. Cliff's flavors were good, but he could have done much better. Ptom turns to Padma to announce this week's loser. Frank. Yes! He's asked if he has anything to say. He humbly responds that everyone in the room (and those in the pantry) are invited to his place for good food, good wine, and good friends, until they move the nutmeg in his spice rack and he brains them with a frying pan. Except he leaves that last bit off. He thanks the judges and goes back to the Kitchen to announce that he's the sacrificial lamb. No you're not. A sacrificial lamb is someone that goes to their doom through no fault of their own. He hugs everyone in the Kitchen (including Marcel) as he interviews that basing his elimination on this week's challenge was entirely fair, though he feels he's more talented than a lot of people left. Good, someone finally gets it. Could you sit Josie down and explain it to her, Frank? On his way out, Frank interviews that he's learned that a true chef is a gentleman, and should (or shall) remain that way. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I wasn't aware that gentlemen threatened to beat people until their mothers don't recognize them. I must need to catch up on my Miss Manners columns.

Overall Grade: B+