Spies Like Us

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 6

Note to readers: The following is a short summary of the episode that will (probably) be converted to a full, blow-by-blow recap later. As often happens, Life has intruded, and the first thing to get sacrificed when free time is short is the blog. Stay tuned!

I don't know if it's the recent Russian-agents-living-among-us-and-trying-to-garner-secrets-by-being-suburbanites story that feeds the undercurrent of shifty goings-on in this episode, or if everyone really is being this sneaky.

Agent Alpha comes in the form of guest judge Michelle Bernstein, who has a rocky past relationship with Andrea. Does she consider this old rivalry when she punts Andrea to the bottom of the Quickfire, or is Andrea's food genuinely bad? Said Quickfire is to work with an exotic protein, and to switch proteins midway through the challenge. Along with Andrea, Alex and Stephen sink to the bottom. Kelly, Tamesha, and Amanda rise to the top, with Kelly winning the challenge and its attendant immunity. I'm a little confused as to how she won with an emu egg omelet, as an egg is pretty much an egg, no matter which fowl has shot it out its butt.

The Elimination Challenge splits the chefs into two groups (not teams), and tasks them with making a cold dish. Their food will be served to the opposing group, who will nominate a top and bottom chef to be presented for the win and elimination. Angelo may or may not be acting as Agent Beta when he advises fellow groupmates Tamesha and Stephen on their dishes. The other chefs certainly think so. Alex takes on Agent Gamma status when he intentionally refrains from telling Amanda her chicken is full of cartilage, while Ed happily refers to his Agent Delta past in stealing Angelo's girlfriend.

The Tamesha/Tiffany/Stephen/Angelo/Andrea group may form a little cabal in nominating Kenny for the loss, while admitting that Kevin's dish was the best. The Kevin/Kenny/Kelly/Amanda/Alex group puts Tiffany up for the win, and Tamesha's disconcerting scallop up for the loss. At this point, since Kenny and FillInTheBlank are up for elimination, there's hardly any point in watching the rest of the episode. To make a long story short, Kevin scores the individual win, and since Kenny could do anything short of defecating on the plate and still be safe, Tamesha takes the hit. Yawn. For an episode so full of intrigue, this sure fits nicely into the most boring season to date.

Farm Team

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 5

Note to readers: The following is a short summary of the episode that will be replaced by a full recap later in the week. Tune in again before the next episode!

After Arnold and Lynne's eliminations, the remaining chefs cling to each other for companionship at home, with a couple raging cases of Jungle Fever sweeping the premises. Ed and Tiffany spend a lot of time hanging out in private (well, as private as you can get with a camera guy in your face and microphones strapped to your ass), while Angelo flirts with and coaches Tamesha.

The Quickfire is close to my heart, and tasks the chefs with preparing crab dishes. Various acts of crustacean murder occur that will no doubt bring members of PETA out into the streets with obnoxious protest signs. When the shell settles, an extremely creepy guest judge places Andrea, Amanda, and Kevin at the bottom, and Ed, Kenny, and Angelo at the top. Ed's dish is named King Crab, and he wins immunity for the rest of the round.

The Elimination Challenge throws all the chefs into one big team, forcing them to cooperate on preparing a half dozen dishes out of organic ingredients at a local farm. Even in this admittedly temporary situation in which everyone should be pulling together, egos and cliques soon render most discussion of the menu useless. Most of the power struggles come -- of course -- from Kenny and Angelo, who should just save us all a lot of time and whip out their dicks for measurement now. After a bunch of bickering, everyone just decides to work in the same teams they were in last week, which actually settles things quite nicely.

Prepping at the farm throws some people for a loop. Andrea is cold, Kelly has to haggle for vegetables, and Stephen can't figure out an efficient way to split a hard-boiled egg. No, really. The close quarters are a whir of activity, and some jostling elbows (or an errant wind) sends a bowl of cauliflower tumbling to the ground. Despite Angelo's insistence that they just go ahead and use the grass-stained mush that is now probably crawling with bugs, Kevin refuses, and opts to run for less feces-tainted fare.

At Judges' Table, Kevin, Kenny, Andrea, and Kelly are given high marks, with Kenny taking the individual win. On the other end, Tim, Amanda, and Stephen sink to the bottom. Even though Stephen has practically rented a room at Losers' Table, and even though all he did was make a simple salad that he still managed to fuck up, the judges axe Tim, breaking up the Tim/Tiffany dream team that our viewing party was getting such a kick out of. Dang.

The Importance of Being Kenny

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 4

Previously on Top Chef: Ed didn't think much of Alex. Actually, Ed didn't think much of anything that isn't Ed. Kevin's dish was not popular with the judges. Arnold got to whine, then win.

LabRat: "I'll bet he's in the bottom this week."
Tiffany: "I'll bet he's a bottom every week."

Tracey's burger managed to offend an entire country, and she was sent packing. Fourteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. The viewing party gardens contributed more in the form of dips and salsas. LabRat and I had a bunch of overripe bananas that I was able to turn into a tasty loaf of banana bread after much research and experimentation. And, the viewing party got a welcome addition this week in the form of Virginia, all the way in from Melbourne. She and LabRat hoovered up most of the wine, but for the bit that's left over... Rule #4: Take a drink whenever someone blithely tempts Fate.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Arnold is pleased as punch with his win, and is forced to reconsider his longstanding enmity with grills. Andrea is bummed that her pal Tracey got eliminated, but tries to focus on the challenges ahead. Like many before her, she's tired of riding the middle ground, and wants to win for a change. Of course, we've seen plenty of chefs complain about being in the middle of the pack, only to get eliminated ten minutes later, so I'd be curious to hear about their opinions on being in the safe-but-unremarkable group now. Tim is ready to claw his way out of the bottom.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and Ptom. Padma is wearing a tank top that appears to have been made by placing an armadillo on a plain top, and then running it over with a literal tank. Baby toys are strewn on the counters. Kelly interviews that since there's no guest judge, she's not sure what to expect. Gee, thanks for that incredibly important news. Padma explains that the Quickfire is of a personal sort this week. Both she and Ptom have young children at home, so the challenge will be to make an adult dish to tempt the judges, and a pureed version of the same dish as baby food. Clever! A jangled Lynne tells us that she's had no experience feeding babies, and is nervous as hell. Given that the chefs might not give their all when it comes to a jar of mush, Padma informs them that this is a high stakes challenge. Both she and Ptom will pick a winner, and though nobody will get immunity, both winners will score $10,000. That perks everyone right up. Arnold says he'd put the money towards helping HIV-infected orphans. God, he's so selfish. Alex doesn't quite have the same global perspective, joking that he'd spend it on hookers and blow. Now there was an interesting juxtaposition of interview quotes. The chefs are given 45 minutes, and the countdown begins.

Prep time has barely begun before Alex makes another sex joke. Methinks someone is a little hard up right now. No pun intended. Kevin has a personal connection to the challenge, as he's already got a kid, not to mention a pregnant wife at home. Adorable pictures of both are shown. He figures he's got the win sewn up. I'm not really seeing the connection between impregnating women and being able to make good baby food, but whatever makes him happy, I guess. Tamesha wants to make a fairly plain dish, so as not to overwhelm the hypothetical baby. She's going about it in a much more thoughtful way than others, who are throwing all sorts of pepper and other spices into their food.

Kelly wants to prove that one doesn't have to have kids to win the challenge. Kenny talks about how his first wife passed away in a car accident, so he was the sole caregiver for his infant daughter. Aw, that's a shame. The accident, that is. Not the parenting. Stephen disapproves of Kenny's apple chunks, saying that it's a good way to choke a baby. Because it's not like Kenny's going to PUREE anything for the PUREE challenge. It's a good thing Stephen is on this show, and not, say, Jeopardy! Lynne joins Andrea in the I-Hate-The-Middle-Of-The-Pack Club, but admits that she's totally winging it right now. Angelo wants to do something challenging and layered. Time winds down. Food is plated. Tiny jars are filled. Time runs out. Kevin is not even close to being done. But he's got a kid, plus one on the way! How could this have happened?!? Padma and Ptom go down the line.

Kenny's dish has grilled, curried chicken breast, a mango salad with shaved carrots, and a confit of butternut squash and maitake mushrooms. I'm not too sure I'd want my baby ingesting curry. That's literally a recipe for disaster. Tim has sauteed lamb, with a mushroom ragout that includes shallots and ginger. Kevin has attempted to make pan-seared duck with baby carrots. The plating isn't the only thing that didn't get done. The duck is severely undercooked, bleeding all over the plate. Kelly has roasted pork loin with grilled peaches and ginger. The lemon juice that she's squeezed into the dish was probably a poor choice, as Padma spits a lemon seed out into her baby spoon. Oof. When Kelly mentioned not having kids before, I assumed it was because she just hadn't had any, not because she's choked them all to death. Lynne has chicken breast with some sweet potato, and a compote of fruit and bell peppers. She tells the judges that she's never tasted baby food before, because all of her kids have four legs. Aaaah, they're hideous genetic mutants!

Angelo has poached tuna in olive oil, and serves it with fenugreek broth, tomatoes, soy sauce, and honey. As promised, he's layered the ingredients in his baby food jar. Alex has seared duck with spinach, basil, dill couscous, and black trumpet mushroom. Tamesha has grilled salmon, with a vegetable chowder in lobster stock, some Thai basil, and licorice oil. It looks like the salmon was not included in the puree, which makes sense. Ptom asks her how she made the oil, and she says she took licorice powder and let it steep in grape seed oil. Impressive.

Results. Ptom's bottom two are Timothy (overcooked lamb) and Alex (watery, overly dill-flavored puree). Padma goes for a more practical bottom two in Kevin (undercooked meat) and Kelly (bland meat - but really the lemon seed). In better news, Ptom really liked Lynne's flavors and how she translated it into baby food. She's gobsmacked. Ptom also enjoyed Tamesha's chunky-style baby food and the licorice oil. Padma has consulted with the producers, and selects Angelo and Kenny as her top picks. Okay, that's not fair; I'm sure they tasted great. Sorry. I'll try to withhold my cranky conspiracy theories until they're actually warranted. Say, in half an hour or so? Padma says that she enjoyed Angelo's use of fenugreek, and the elegant presentation of his baby food. Kenny's use of bulgur wheat was flavorful, but not too spicy. Of these top four, Ptom selects Tamesha as his big winner, and Padma picks Kenny for hers. Kenny basks, while Tamesha gives us the hilarious "Holy shitballs!" quote we've been promised since the first episode.

Elimination Challenge. During the graphic, a guest judge has appeared out of thin air. Her name is Beth Scott, she works for the Hilton chain, and hot pink is not her color. Padma explains that the hotel is on the lookout for menu items that are sophisticated, healthy, and easily made and replicated by hotel chefs. The challenge will be to create a breakfast, lunch, and dinner dish that fits those restrictions. The winning dish will actually go onto the menu, much good it does the chefs. The hitch comes in the way the challenge is structured. The chefs will choose partners, and after the first two courses, the best two teams will be excused both from cooking further courses, and from elimination. The remaining three teams will cook dinner, and at the end, both members of a single team are getting eliminated. Also clever! I really like the challenges this week. There is one little wrinkle, but since I didn't notice it until Judges' Table, let's save it for later. When Padma gives the go-ahead, the chefs hurry to secure themselves good partners. Not everyone is thrilled with the person they end up with. Take a look at this list and see if you can guess who winds up grumpy:

Tim/Tiffany
Ed/Alex
Kenny/Kevin
Arnold/Lynne
Amanda/Stephen
Angelo/Tamesha
Andrea/Kelly

If you guessed Ed and Amanda, go to the head of the class! Amanda thinks nobody else wants to partner with her because they underestimate her as a chef. It doesn't seem to occur to her that nobody wants to partner with her because she's a pain in the ass. In other news, WhiteTim and WhiteTiffany are delighted that BlackTim and BlackTiffany have partnered up, and the entire viewing party decides that we really need to be rooting for them. BlackTiffany is not as thrilled as we are, given that BlackTim's been sinking to the bottom of challenges quite a bit lately. She steps up as the team leader, vowing that if she goes home, it'll be for her own mistake, not someone else's. The chefs head off to Whole Foods to shop with a $200 budget. As an instructor, Lynne is generally the boss in real life, and she says she'll do her best not to be overbearing in a team challenge. Arnold has had success with Lynne in the past, and is looking forward to creating a full-blown winning streak. Kenny is cocky. Ed is smarmy. So, you know... No news, there.

Back at the Kitchen, the chefs meet the large panel of judges that will be eating their dishes. In addition to Ptom, Padma, Eric, Beth, and some random lady named Nora, we have some faces from the past. There's Bryan, which makes total sense, given that the judges loved his food and he got second place. There's Mike, whose personality nobody enjoyed, but who was able to successfully incorporate several types of cuisine into several types of challenges. And, there's Spike, who spent the entire show thinking up ways to trip up his competitors, to the point that he ignored his food, which sent him to Losers' Table more than any other contestant. Can you spot who doesn't belong? The chefs get started on their breakfast dishes, which they've got thirty minutes to cook. Tim puts his trust in Tiffany, who's assured him that their breakfast will be terrific. Tiffany hopes she won't go down in flames, especially since she'd be dragging him with her.

WhiteTiffany: "See? Just like us."

Early interstitial this week! Angelo flirts with Tamesha. Tamesha totally blows him off. Heh.

Ed and Alex have an overly complicated breakfast. Gee, I wonder who's to blame for that? When time runs out, their plates are missing the Hollandaise sauce (and in one case, the potato pancake). Alex is super-pissed. The dish was supposed to be a potato cake with prosciutto, an egg, a lemon pancake, and a Bellini cocktail. What we've got is plates with assorted pancakes and an undercooked egg on top. Well, let's look at the bright side. Maybe this will give Ed some pause before he smarms about how awful someone else is. Angelo and Tamesha serve an egg with chopped bacon in a Cheddar broth, and a large slice of toast on the side. Mike and Bryan note a problem with the egg's doneness that chefs got nailed on last season. Arnold and Lynne have a Spanish tortilla with chorizo and bacon, fried potatoes, and an olive-pear salad. So, fried eggs with fried potatoes and two kinds of pork. I hope Hilton will serve a triple bypass with that breakfast. The judges like the flavor, but Ptom finds the texture odd.

Kenny and Kevin serve a soft-poached egg on an herb brioche with prosciutto, heirloom tomato, manchego cheese, and a Spanish olive tapenade. It's an extremely busy dish. Mike and Spike find it too soft, while Ptom agrees with me that there's just too much going on. Amanda and Stephen have a poached egg on pancetta, a potato rosti, and a grape ragout with shallots and Hollandaise sauce. Well, I'm not the president of either the Amanda or the Stephen Fan Club, but that looks good. The judges like the bacon flavor that spreads throughout, but Padma nitpicks a couple of the details. Andrea and Kelly have a bacon/cheddar/whole wheat waffle with a poached egg and chili salsa, and a mango/lime/mint yogurt smoothie on the side. The judges find the egg bland, the waffle dense, and the drink too sweet. Tim and Tiffany serve a crab cake Benedict (Louisiana-style), with asparagus and a bacon potato hash in Hollandaise. Man, does it look good. The judges love the crab cake, to the point that they consider the hash wholly unnecessary. Results. Padma informs the chefs that Amanda/Stephen and Tim/Tiffany had the judges' favorite breakfasts, and are safe from elimination. Hugs are exchanged.

The rest of the chefs have 45 minutes to get lunch ready. The countdown begins. Kelly is peeved, because with every course that she's asked to cook, she's getting closer to elimination. Well, yeah. That is, in effect, the challenge. What the hell is up with Kelly as the voice of unnecessary exposition tonight? Is she in a Greek chorus in her spare time? Kenny is still cocky. Angelo is pissy. Lynne takes lead on this course, and Arnold worries that it may be too quirky for standard hotel fare. Alex pushes scallops for lunch, saying that he cooks the shit out of them every time. One would hope. Time runs out.

Ed and Alex serve their pan-roasted scallops with a ricotta gnudi (which is very fun to say), and a broccoli rabe. The judges like it very much overall, though Bryan has some suggestions on how to improve the texture. Angelo and Tamesha have a beef carpaccio, with a jicama/Asian pear salad topped with a mint/cilantro/kimchi vinaigrette. No hotel visitor would ever order this for lunch. It's barely an appetizer, and if you were traveling on business, would you be anxious to ingest a bunch of kimchi, then rush off to meet clients or give a presentation? The judges give it so-so reviews. Ptom thinks that if you rolled the whole thing up in a spring roll wrapper, it would work better. Lynne and Arnold's take on tuna salad is tuna cannelloni with Forbidden rice salad and tomato vinaigrette, with a Parmesan cracker. The judges like the flavor, but say that the dish would be difficult for hotel chefs to execute well. Kenny and Kevin have turned hummus into a pasta dish. There's a chickpea pappardelle pasta with grilled chicken, snap peas, lemon zest, and a tahini sauce. Mike likes the flavor profile, but everyone else thinks the chicken is lost in all the other components. Andrea and Kelly have crispy-skin red snapper and panzanella salad with a mustard vinaigrette. Ptom is shocked and angry with their claim that they didn't have the time or budget to cook a bag of beans.

Results. The two teams with the best lunches are Angelo/Tamesha and Alex/Ed. Really? Angelo and Tamesha? That seems weird. Arnold and Lynne's lunch seemed to fit the challenge parameters so much better. Angelo hopes Kenny will get eliminated. Yeah, don't hold your breath, chief.

Virginia: "He's a nasty piece of work. He's a nasty pasty."

So, on to dinner! The chefs get one hour to put their dishes together. Andrea tells Kelly that their dish has to be "thick, but not too thick; we're going to mount it with butter." Whoa, sparky! Save it until you get back to the apartment! Kenny is STILL cocky. I guess he can afford to be, since it's not like he's going anywhere. Sorry, sorry! I swear, no more cranky conspiracy theories. Well, until Judges' Table, anyway. Arnold whines that Lynne is whiny. Now there's some self-awareness. Of course, there is no tape of Lynne actually being whiny, so I'm forced to work off experience here, which is that Arnold is full of it. Andrea is a bit anxious, because her team and Kenny/Kevin are both making short ribs.

More oven drama. I swear, this is like the sewing machines on Project Runway. Kenny and Kevin have turned down an oven that Lynne was preheating for focaccia. So, Lynne pulls their food out and doesn't tell them. Oh, wait. No she doesn't, because that would be cheating. She gets as peeved as Lynne ever gets. That is to say, she mutters a little bit. Yeah, you'll forgive me if I don't buy Arnold's story that she's rampaging around the Kitchen throwing tantrums. He and Lynne bicker a bit over when to put the pasta in the pot. Her concern is that fresh pasta will overcook very quickly. His concern is that if they don't get it in, they won't be able to put the entire dish together until it's too late. Both valid points. Kenny and Kevin hysterically taste their sauce every forty seconds to make sure it's okay. Arnold whines some more. It sure is attractive. Time runs out.

Kenny and Kevin serve their braised beef short rib with squash, a potato/carrot confit, and horseradish tempura. Beth asks how this relates to hotel guests, and Kevin says that comfortable, familiar things like beef, carrots, and potatoes are what he'd want when he's traveling. Not a bad answer. Still, the judges have some complaints. They liked the dish for the most part, but felt that there wasn't enough horseradish flavor, nor enough sauce. Andrea and Kelly also serve a braised beef short rib, this one with chevre polenta, roasted mushrooms, pearl onions, and a citrus gremolata with crispy shallots on top. The judges really like the rib, and though Mike finds the polenta a bit stiff, nobody else seems to have a problem with it. Lynne and Arnold have pineapple red curry mussels, with squid ink pasta and focaccia bread on the side. The judges find the pasta undercooked, but the sauce flavorful. Padma thanks all the guest judges, and the chefs go straight into their fret 'n sweat. It's funny how they always try to talk themselves up to the others, probably rehearsing for the moment that they may have to defend themselves and their food. Padma comes in, and summons the dinner teams to the dining room.

Judges' Table. For some reason, Nora is seated as guest judge instead of Beth. It doesn't make much sense, but since we're about to get into the truly senseless, it hardly registers. She gets to announce the challenge winner, which turns out to be... Andrea and Kelly. They both win destination vacations; Andrea's going to Spain, while Kelly's going to Italy. Nice prize! But it's here that I notice that challenge wrinkle I alluded to earlier. Andrea and Kelly got out-and-out beat by four other teams, but here they are, taking home a fairly significant prize. Why do they win, and not, say, Tim and Tiffany? I've read people opining that maybe the short rib was better than all of the breakfast and lunch dishes that beat Andrea and Kelly at the time, but if that's the case, what's the incentive for trying to cook a good breakfast or lunch? Were the chefs supposed to pick what was more important to them: Winning or immunity? That seems an odd way to find the best of the bunch. In any case, they're the winners, and since I have such a big soft spot for Andrea, it's fine with me.

Now that we're down to the two losing teams, and one of them includes Kenny, there's hardly any point to even going over any critiques in great detail. I suppose I should hit the highlights (or the lowlights, rather), just for the sake of completion. Lynne guesses that their pasta was undercooked, which is weird, since she was all up in arms about it being overcooked. I can't tell if this is her way of trying to blame Arnold, but I'll bet you can guess how Arnold views it. He argues that the pasta was fine. There's some further blah about presentation. Kenny and Kevin's short rib didn't have the glaze that Andrea and Kelly's did, and the horseradish flavor didn't come through. They make a half-hearted attempt to defend their techniques. Interestingly, when asked why their dishes should keep them in the competition, Kevin stresses comfort and familiarity, while Arnold stresses creativity and panache. Padma dismisses the chefs.

Fake deliberations. Ptom says that this challenge is the only thing affecting their decision tonight. Sure. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! Ptom appreciates that Lynne and Arnold took a risk, but Padma argues that mussels and squid ink pasta is a hard sell on a hotel menu. Let's ask Beth! Oh, we can't, because we've got this other woman on the judging panel for no reason. If the pasta had been cooked more, it would have soaked up more of the admittedly wonderful sauce. Kevin and Kenny should have had more of a glaze, and their horseradish was a problem.

Real deliberations (unseen). Padma: "Well, Kenny screwed the pooch again, but we can't eliminate him, because then we won't have that awesome final showdown between him and Angelo." Ptom: "So, is everyone good with cutting Lynne and Arnold?" Eric: "Yep." Nora: "Can I get my check now?"

Back in the Kitchen, Kenny is unbelievably STILL COCKY. One wonders how many courses he has to lose before he buys a clue. Kevin and Amanda get into a dustup over whether a chef should dictate to the guests how a dish is supposed to be eaten. It's an interesting debate, and I wish more time had been devoted to that question, rather than the completely fabricated Alpha Dog Rivalry that the show has invented out of whole cloth.

Elimination. The buildup is unnecessary. As ordained, Lynne and Arnold, please pack your knives and go. Then find Jacqueline and help her construct her little voodoo doll of Kenny to stick pins into. Final interviews. Arnold says he stayed true to what he does. I can't argue with that, and wish that he'd left a more favorable impression on me than "The Whiny One". Lynne is sad, because she wanted to prove to herself that she's still the "old beast" that she used to be. Arnold makes sure to get in a final whine about being thrown under the bus. DRINK! Lynne is bummed, but is ready to get back to real life cooking. Oh, I'm sorry. Arnold has just enough time to get in yet one more whine about how other people's decisions about his food is "on them". It sure is. Now go.

Overall Grade: C

Nit-Picnicking

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 3

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs were tied together to make sandwiches, then asked to make lunch for some ravenous middle schoolers. Amanda cheerily interviewed that she has no plans to ever put another chef's agenda before her own, no matter what team she's on. Andrea awesomely decimated Angelo's request with a single word, while Arnold spent several trying to make Kelly feel bad for having the nerve to take credit for her own idea. She barely had time to pretend she gave a crap before picking up the challenge win. Meanwhile, it looked like Kenny might be in trouble, so the Great and Powerful Oz engineered the bottom four in such a way that Jacqueline could be chopped for her terrible, unhealthy pudding. Pay no attention to those men behind the curtain! Fifteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. Home gardens are the big thing among our viewing party right now, and they're starting to pay off. This week, it was in the form of dip made with dill for dunking cucumber slices, all of which was plucked straight from the backyard. It went well with our usual batch of wine. Drinking Game Rule #3: Take a drink whenever someone ignores a helpful suggestion because they're all het up about following their own vision, or some such crap.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. The wow-someone-got-eliminated-and-now-it's-sinking-in interview that usually pops up in the second episode has held off until the third. They must really not miss John. Maybe he spent too much time writing in his journal, and not enough socializing. Amanda crabs that some of the other chefs feel like she should have gone home last week. She's trying to focus on the competition one leg at a time. Kenny crabs that he hasn't won a challenge yet. Yeah, well you also got shielded from elimination, so you'll forgive me if I'm not falling all over myself to offer sympathy. He reads a very encouraging note from his girlfriend, complete with Bible verse and the loving sign-off "Juicy". Heh. Angelo crabs that he's won three challenges, but being on the bottom of the fourth one sucked. He's mad at Kenny for not defending him at Judges' Table, because you should always stick up for the guy who's doing everything he can to get you eliminated and talks about you behind your back at every opportunity. Arnold crabs that people are already throwing each other under the bus at this early stage. DRINK!

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs walk into the Kitchen. Wow, Angelo must be really tall. They're met by Padma, along with Gail and a guy named Johnny Iuzzini that Tamesha thinks is hot. Sorry, no. Andrea tells us that he's a big wheel in the pastry chef business. Padma says that Gail and Johnny will be the hosts of the upcoming Top Chef dessert spinoff, which causes all sorts of hearts to sink. Both of the eliminated chefs have gone home for desserts, and anyone left who was hoping to hide from the dreaded course is out of luck. Johnny amusingly (and perhaps accidentally) condescends to the chefs by saying that in pastry making, you can't just throw shit together at the last minute and have it work out. Desserts take planning, organization, and exact measurements. Today's Quickfire Challenge will be to make a pie from scratch. Stephen is sad that he won't be able to make an impression, because dessert is not something he excels in. Oh, I'd say he's already made an impression. It's not easy to be at the bottom of every single challenge.

LabRat: "That guy is this season's Robin."

The winner will receive immunity. Interestingly, I never hear anyone say that the pie has to be sweet, so I'm not sure what's stopping more of them from making something more in their wheelhouse, like a meat pie. Padma gives the chefs two hours to get their pies ready, and starts the clock. Chefs scatter. Arnold gets pissy at Kelly within three seconds, because she has the gall to take the workstation that all of her stuff is already under from previous challenges. What bug is up his ass about her? Jesus. I'm more than willing to pile on someone who's being a dick, but they have to start being a dick first. Kelly ignores him, and interviews that she has some experience making dessert, because one has to know a bit of everything when opening a restaurant.

Angelo knows he's no good at dessert, and tries to play to his strengths by making a curried yam pie. Tim tries to wing it with an apple pie. Kevin is working on an impressive lattice top crust, while Tamesha loses her shit beside him. Lynne is older and more experienced than the other chefs, and tells us that she doesn't need a recipe to come up with a serviceable dessert. Amanda has apparently learned nothing from the previous challenge, and decides to make an apple pie, but with a bunch of bourbon in it. Tracey won't tell Andrea what she's working on, because she has no idea herself. Arnold begins to creep onto my good side by saying that pies are magical creatures like unicorns that are born in the clouds and just appear sometimes. Of course, he has to go and ruin it by carping that someone has taken his pan. If he could cut down on the woe-is-me-everything-is-someone-else's-fault complaints by a healthy margin, there's someone in there I think I'd like.

Alex works on an almond crust, and isn't sure what he's going to fill it with. He eventually decides on tapioca. That...does not sound good. Kenny inwardly laughs at Alex's thick dough. Ed hates chocolate, and smarms that Alex is a slob with no technique, and that his thought process is underdeveloped. Okay, then how about showing us what a ridiculous, overdeveloped thought process looks like? He complies by starting with a wonderful banana cream pie base, and then throwing a bunch of competing flavors into it. Tracey pulls her pie out of the oven, and tastes nothing but butter, so she attempts to whip together another one within the time limit. Kenny works on a Bananas Foster kind of pie, but in cobbler style. Stephen goes non-traditional with a curried apple/date/whiskey pie. I might be able to get into that. Time winds down, and the chefs slice their pies for plating. Tracey crosses her fingers, and hopes for the best. Time runs out.

Padma, Gail, and Johnny go down the line. Kenny's twist on Bananas Foster includes currants and Chinese five-spice. NOM NOM NOM. Okay, I'm willing to forget everything I said about him last week if he'll come to my apartment and make that pie. Amanda's apple pie has rosemary, bourbon, and a hazelnut crust. She pre-excuses herself by saying that she didn't acquit herself too terribly, given that she's not a pastry chef. Johnny doesn't let her slide on that one, telling her it's a cop-out to say that, because his grandmother wasn't a pastry chef either, but could still make a pie. Amanda is stunned into silence, and I send a giant valentine to Johnny. Stephen's pie is the aforementioned apple/date/whiskey pie, and has saffron in it as well. Gail notes a sour flavor. Stephen looks petrified. Kelly has made a spiced raspberry and dark chocolate ganache tart. It looks great, and Johnny tells her she's made a nice, smooth chocolate emulsion.

Arnold has made a kalamansi and key lime parfait with mint, sake sauce, and Korean soju. Perhaps he's hoping all of those exotic ingredients will distract from the fact that he has in no way, shape, or form made something that can be called a "pie". Angelo's take on a sweet potato pie has a curry blend that he's made. It doesn't look very appetizing, but then, I'm kind of off sweet potatoes right now. Tracey has managed to put together a finished product in the form of a blueberry almond crunch pie with some cream and almond brittle. Well, I like that flavor combination, but Johnny notes how runny the juices are. Tiffany has a peach cobbler with a cornmeal crust, molasses, brown sugar, and a buttermilk-lemon creme angalaise. Two things: One, you can certainly tell that Tiffany's from the south. Two, it makes me sad that the show has effectively ignored her so far, because everything she's made sounds fantastic.

Lynne has put together a very pretty mango pie with a basil and vanilla crust. Gail confirms that she hasn't made a basil crust before, but I can't tell if that's good or bad news. Ed has ruined a perfectly good banana cream pie with salted peanuts and a celery spuma (foam). He tries to make it sound homey by referring to his grandmother, and Gail mocks him by asking how his grandma's celery spuma was. Hehe. Alex has made a white chocolate, tapioca, and chevre pie with an almond crust and raspberry puree. Ew. He also included egg, which Johnny says turns his pie into more of a quiche. Well, quiche is a pie. Not that an egg and cheese pie would taste good on top of caramelized almonds and raspberry sauce, but still.

Results. First on the bottom is Alex, whose pie texture was off. Really? It was the texture that turned you off, and not the combination of, say, tapioca and goat cheese? Tracey's crust was way too thin, which led to a burned pie. She finds it as embarrassing to be called out as it would be to live in a trailer park. Ouch to everyone involved in that sentence. Ed's pie was muddled with a bunch of unnecessary and unwelcome ingredients. He doesn't agree with the assessment, and weirdly, neither does Tiffany. Now, for the top pies. Kelly's chocolate tart was beautiful, and wonderfully simple. Ah, another nice turn of the screw for Ed. I approve. Stephen actually manages to crawl out of the bottom into the top, with a surprisingly pleasant flavor combination. The winner, however, is Kenny, which I totally support. I had to restrain myself from licking the screen when his was shown. Angelo sucks a lemon. Stephen sucks an even bigger lemon.

Elimination Challenge. Fourth of July weekend is upon us, if not the chefs, and they'll be cooking/grilling a summer picnic for 150 Capitol Hill interns. Their food must be composed of a main dish and two sides, and that's really the only big restriction. Alex looks forward to it, while Arnold laughs that he's not a big proponent of grilling, as it clogs the pores way too fast. Hehe. Shopping. Kevin plans to make Puerto Rican-inspired barbecue. I'd just like you to know that the spell-check recognizes neither "Puerto" nor "Rican". Racists. Tracey thinks that she'll have no trouble impressing the judges if she makes her own sausage. Amanda elbows regular patrons out of the way, and we get a very strange, tangential interview in which she admits her past addiction to pills and cocaine. I mean, yay for overcoming and everything, but what an unnecessary aside.

Back in the Kitchen, the chefs start on their three hours of prep time. Arnold wants to get away from the crowd of people doing barbecue by making a lamb meatball. Kenny recalls his late father and the grilling they did together. Cute childhood photos are shown. Arnold complains that he needs a sous chef to get everything done. See what I mean with that? For every funny thing he says, there are four whiny or self-entitled statements nearby. Tracey jabbers to herself. She has issues with time and equipment, and decides she won't have time to case any of her sausage, so she opts to make sausage patties for sliders instead. Tim has bought both ribs and pork loin. Cover what bases you can, I guess. He is utterly unconcerned that Amanda is prepping ribs as well. Angelo works on an Asian-style dish, confident that he'll blow the judges away.

Meanwhile... Drama! Alex finds that his food has been taken out of the oven, because Amanda was saving that space for herself. She exclaims loudly that she had, like, a piece of tape with her name on it and everything. Oh, that excuses her. After all, if your car were being worked on at the auto repair shop, it'd be fine for me to move its broken ass to the curb, as long as I had signed up for an appointment with the mechanic. God forbid Amanda, oh I don't know, figure out whose food was in the oven and try to work the situation out. It's much easier to just cheat. Yeah, I'll say it. Messing with someone else's food -- even if you had every right to the empty oven -- is cheating. Nobody particularly cares what I think, and Alex and Amanda are still screaming at each other when Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. He asks Amanda what's going on, and she does her best to sell her case. It doesn't go well. Ptom asks her if it's general practice to call dibs by labeling the ovens, and she's like, "Well, it's my general practice." What a jerkoff. The rest of the Ptimewasting and prep is uneventful. That night, Amanda describes her dish to the rest of the smokers as they puff away outside. Everyone looks skeptical. She interviews that the others don't take her seriously as a chef. Don't sell yourself short, sweetness. I'll bet they don't take you seriously as a human. I sure as shit don't.

The next day, the chefs arrive at Mount Vernon. I've been there! It's gorgeous. Although I don't remember a herd of sheep wandering around aside when I visited. A row of charcoal grills is lined up on the picnic lawn. Everyone pulls on a Top Chef cap, and gets to work. Arnold reminds us of his inexperience at grilling, and surreptitiously copies Grillmaster Kenny's every move in getting his Weber started. Tim demonstrates his fire-starting for Tamesha, and interviews that the women as a whole aren't too excited about grilling. Just as WhiteTiffany gears up to blast him for his sexism, Tracey loudly shouts "How do you turn this grill down?" Tragically, nobody yells back something like "Look for the dial on the underside! Twist it to the left to lower the flames!" Various meats hit various grills. Kenny criticizes Angelo's use of Asian food in a picnic challenge.

The interns arrive, all smiles to be out from under a mound of thankless work and wandering hands. Games of netless badminton and lazy croquet spring up. Arnold's confidence rises a bit when he tastes his dish. Tim puts a special rub on his meat. Tracey is pleased with her burgers. The time limit runs out, and the interns swarm the tables. Ed resents having to put a cheery face on and to actually have to talk to people. I know, what a chore! God, why can't people just come to picnics, grab a plate, eat silently, and go? What's with all this laughing and socializing? It's Un-American, is what it is!

The judges arrive. Joining Gail, Padma, and Ptom is Jonathan Waxman, who you may remember from the most recent season of Top Chef Masters. I like him a great deal, but must still ask why Bravo bothered to put out all of that advanced press about Eric Ripert permanently joining the judging panel if he's only going to show up once a month. I guess to let people know that Toby had been banished, so they wouldn't have to avoid the show. That's certainly understandable. Jeez, I'm cranky today. Well, it's my right as an American. Yay, freedom! Plus, I'm a little hungover, so there's that. Let's get to tasting! Arnold has made a sesame lamb meatball with tabouli salad and garlic/rosemary gazpacho.

Tiffany: "Ah, yes. What's a summer picnic without tabouli?"

Tamesha has marinated some skirt steak in a caramel soy glaze, and serves it with a fennel citrus salad. Angelo uses the royal "We" in describing his Vietnamese lettuce wrap with a smoked egg salad. Alex has overcome Amanda's interference to make grilled pork butt with a lemongrass glaze, some polenta, and a cucumber salad. It sounds good, if only because I'm on a big lemongrass kick these days. Tasting #1. Arnold's lamb meatballs are a hit with both the judges and interns. Tamesha's skirt steak is overcooked, and thus a bit chewy. Alex's pork was done well, but the sauce wasn't the best. Angelo's dish is well-presented and has a nice, smoky flavor.

Tim has made pork two ways. There's a dry loin with the rub and some juicier baby back ribs. There's a boring vegetable medley on the side. As he describes his food for the judges, the nearby honking geese get louder... And louder... And louder... Until they completely splat his table with poo. Gail thinks fast and springs backward out of the line of fire, pulling Ptom with her. Padma and Jonathan just stand there. You're going to need faster reflexes if you're going to be a successful parent, Padma! Amanda has made grilled baby back ribs with asparagus and salad with a bacon hazelnut vinaigrette. Kelly's got a bison burger with a watermelon and tomato salad. Let's hope nobody got carted off to the hospital. Kevin's Puerto Rican inspiration has resulted in grilled marinated flank steak with beans and rice, and a tomato/avocado "salad". I put "salad" in quotes because it consists of a slice of tomato topped by a slice of avocado topped by a piece of parsley. This is a salad like Arnold's parfait was a pie.

Tasting #2. Tim's pork is good, but his sides are awful. One of the interns didn't even like his pork. The judges wonder if the geese know something they don't. Hehe. Kelly's burger is bland and overly simplistic. Amanda's ribs are way better than Tim's, and Jonathan is a sucker for grilled asparagus. Well, so am I, but let's not pretend that making tasty grilled asparagus is any great challenge for someone with access to olive oil, salt, pepper, and opposable thumbs. Kevin's beans are undercooked, and the entire plate is bland.

Lynne has leg of lamb rubbed with ras el hanout, served with zucchini "spaghetti" and balsamic onions. That sounds tasty. Kenny has marinated pork loin in harissa, and serves it with grilled eggplant and quinoa. Tracey's sausage is served as "Italian slider burgers", and comes with a tomato/cucumber/red onion salad and bell pepper relish. Tasting #3. Kenny's harissa was a good idea, and works well. Lynne's dish would be better if the cheese on top wasn't weighing everything down. After a moment of chewing, nobody likes Tracey's burger. Some have too much fennel. Some are undercooked. Jonathan thinks they're too big to be called a slider, which is kind of a silly hair to split.

Tiffany's made wild sockeye salmon, glazed with tamarind and served with Israeli couscous. Andrea has glazed skirt steak in a spicy root beer sauce, with potato salad on the side. Stephen has bacon-wrapped sea bass with a ratatouille and an olive pine nut couscous. Ed manages to put on enough of a social front to present his spiced tuna loin with lentil hummus. Okay, I don't like him, but that sounds delicious. He aims to be heartwarming when he talks about following in his father's footsteps, but comes off as smarmy once again, bragging about how easily he's surpassed his old man. Tasting #4. Ed's fish is refreshing and flavorful. Andrea's root beer glaze is too sweet. Tiffany's salmon is bland. Stephen's sea bass is terrible. It's stringy on the inside, and the bacon is all chewy. Once everyone's served, the chefs wander around sampling each other's work. Angelo loves Amanda's ribs. Tracey is confident in her own dish until she tastes everyone else's. The chefs pack up for the day.

Interstitial. Tracey claims to be clairvoyant. Nobody really buys into it, but her psychic readings are an amusing enough way to pass the time, so the other chefs enjoy it.

Judges' Table. The chefs chat in their fret 'n sweat until Padma comes in to kill the conversation. She summons Arnold, Ed, Amanda, and Angelo to the table. When they go out to the judges, they're told they have the best dishes of the day. Well, these four no doubt put out some great food, but it sure would be nice to have someone to root for. I guess I'll throw my tepid support behind Arnold. Ed's tuna was bright and bold. Arnold's lamb was full of flavor. Amanda's grilled asparagus was great, as was her pork, though her salad was unnecessary. Angelo had nice, crisp flavors. These aren't spectacular endorsements. I guess there was more to dislike than rhapsodize over in this round. Jonathan gets to announce the winner, who turns out to be... Arnold. Hey, my tepid support pays off! His only prize is to call his colleagues out to Losers' Table. Back in the Kitchen, he drops a quick curtsey, then tells Tim, Stephen, Tracey, and Kevin that they're in for some bad news.

Losers' Table. Stephen's fish was unappealing, the bacon was undercooked and chewy, and the couscous was greasy. Tim's vegetables were extremely disappointing for something so simple. Kevin's plate was safe and boring. He argues that the Puerto Ricans he knows would do exactly the same thing, and Gail calls him on it, asking if those people he's referring to are chefs. He admits that they're not, and Gail tells him that this is the part where he's supposed to step it up and create a more professional offering. Gail just gets better and better. Tracey says she's not surprised to be in the bottom, though she seemed happy enough with her food earlier. Her fennel was spread unevenly through the meat, and Gail's burger was undercooked. Ptom takes offense on behalf of all Italians. Okay, there's no need to take it that far. She made a shitty burger; she didn't spit on your flag. Jonathan tells her she didn't do enough to fix the mistakes she made along the way. The chefs are dismissed.

The viewing party erupts into spirited debate. Everyone thinks Tracey is going, but I argue that Stephen's almost made a career of coming in at the bottom of challenges, and it's only the third episode. Secure in my predictive abilities, I kick back with my glass of wine and prepare to bask in a sea of you-were-rights. Deliberations. Stephen had a bad idea from the start, and the result was steamed bacon on overcooked fish. Ew, that really does sound gross. Tim claimed to be a great griller, but didn't make anything distinctive. Jonathan's ten-year-old could have made a better burger than Tracey. Kevin's meat was fine, but the rice and beans were awful. The judges make a decision.

Elimination. Once again, the writers give Ptom ridiculous scripted wordplay that he simply cannot sell. Stephen's food would be better suited to a restaurant than a picnic. Plus, it sucked. Tim's food was watery and bland. Kevin's inspiration was nice, but didn't come through in the food. Tracey's food was slimy and uninspired. He gives it over to Padma for the chop. Tracey. Please pack your knives and go. Damn. Stupid underdeveloped predictive abilities. Padma wishes Tracey luck. Tracey thanks her for the opportunity as she hugs the other chefs. In her final interview, she says it was an entirely fair decision. She says everything I often wish other people would say: She honed her food skills, but neglected the emotional preparation one needs for a show like this. Losing this contest speaks more of a bad day than a bad chef, but that's the way this particular cookie crumbles, and she's okay with it. Really, it's one of the better farewell speeches this show has had, so I hope she can at least take some small comfort in that.

Overall Grade: C