High Steaks

Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 12

Previously on Top Chef: Restaurant Wars snuck up on me, and launched a surprise attack. The ongoing war between Lisa and Edible Rice culminated in a bowl of disgusting sludge. Dale continued to be as likable as a feral cat with mange. Team Winner lived up to their name, as did Team Loser. Spike managed to avoid the heat by staying out of the kitchen. So that's where that saying comes from. Dale and Lisa were evenly matched in poor food and poor attitude, but in a strange twist, Dale was eliminated over the clearly inferior Lisa. It was an unsettling decision that disturbed me for a full three seconds. Then I realized that we're rid of Dale, so the ends really, really justify the means in this case. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. Along with the usual assortment of meats, cheeses, and crackers, Panny brought along a nice, fresh tomato/mozzarella/basil dip that delighted all.

Morning in Chicago. People walk to work, some in painful-looking shoes. Change at the office! Over at the house, we get the usual themes: Getting to the final four, Women Power, and how everyone needs to keep their focus. Especially me. This has been a good season, but we're getting to that traditional point where I'm sick of these people. The chefs head out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. Instead of going to the Kitchen, the chefs go a local meat purveyor, where a staff member sets everyone up with hats, hairnets, and what appear to be cardboard crotch-guards. Sexy! The challenge today involves butchering meat, which appears to be a pretty difficult process. Spike interviews that both of his grandfathers were butchers, which is kind of cool. The chefs are led to a line of long-bone rib-eye. The chefs will have twenty minutes to cut their hunks of meat into individual chops, while making sure that bone is frenched (exposed, and sticking out like a large handle). Lisa and Antonia are nervous, knowing that bad cuts can ruin the meat, and that the time limit would be tough for even a real butcher. Ready? And...go!

The "dry age" (the crusty external mold covering that is trimmed in this process) gives the chefs some trouble. Richard chooses to chop first and trim the dry age afterwards. Spike does the opposite, attacking the dry age first. From there, it's a simple matter of slicing and cleanup. Spike's chops look wonderful, and he interviews that the process was so easy, it wasn't even funny. Yeah, it does seem to come very naturally to him. Go, grandpas! Stephanie, as is her wont in Quickfires, is at a complete loss. Lisa worries that she won't make it into the top four. Please. She should be happy she made it into the top eight. Time runs out. Spike is pleased with himself, as always. The chefs pack up their steaks, and head back to the Kitchen, where they're met by this week's guest judge, Rick Tramonto. Padma explains that there is a second part to tonight's Quickfire, and the four chefs left at the end of this round will go on to the finals in Puerto Rico. The chefs must now prepare their steaks to a medium-rare doneness. LabRat crinkles his nose. Not me; give me some of that yummy, yummy blood. For once, it seems the winner won't be determined by flavor or seasoning. It'll simply come down to butchery skills and the ability to cook the meat to its proper doneness.

Padma starts the thirty-minute countdown. Lisa interviews that getting a steak to a proper temperature should be second-nature to a chef, but when she's under a lot of pressure, she tends to second-guess herself. She says she gauges it by touch, not temperature. Spike suggests cooking the steak the same amount on both sides, so that it's pink all the way through. Richard bemoans not having enough time to do something fancy. Stephanie tries to balance cooking time with resting time. Antonia puts a nice char on both sides to seal in the flavor, and then blasts the hell out of her meat with an ocean of butter. Time runs out.

Padma and Rick go down the line. Richard roasted, grilled, and charred the meat with his torch. Any excuse to use that torch, eh? Why am I Canadian all of a sudden? Rick mutters over Lisa and Stephanie's steaks, but takes a nice long look at the row of Spike's chops. Antonia is asked how long her meat has rested, and she says it's been about five minutes. Results. First in the bottom three is Stephanie, who must be required by law to screw up Quickfires. Her butchery was poor and her meat was undercooked. Richard's butchery was inconsistent and his meat was also undercooked. I guess we know what that means for the good news. Lisa's steak was cooked very well. Spike did an amazing job on the butchering. Antonia had a beautiful crust, and the meat was cooked perfectly. The ultimate winner is Spike, who is pleased to have done his family proud. No, wait. That's not what he said. He's pleased to have won, because he's passionate about making good food. Oops, that's not what he said either. No, in true Spike fashion, the best part about winning the challenge is showing up the other four contestants. Sigh. He's certainly consistent, isn't he?

Elimination Challenge. Padma says that the chefs will be entrusted with something very precious. They will be taking over Rick's steak house tomorrow night. Rick says that the restaurant has been fortunate enough to win some awards, and is very popular, so he hopes the chefs won't screw it up. Each of the five chefs will be responsible for their own individual appetizer and entree. The menu must be based on ingredients found in Rick's kitchen. As winner of the Quickfire, Spike will get first pick of proteins for both appetizer and entree. Well, there's no way Spike could blow that kind of advantage, huh? At the very least, he'll have learned his lesson from the boxed lunch debacle, right? Hello? Bueller? Lisa shrugs off Spike's advantage, saying that it puts a lot of pressure on him, because he'll be forced into a decision he may not be pleased to be stuck with ten minutes later. Rick begs the chefs to take care of his customers. The chefs are dismissed.

Back at the house, the chefs eat their steaks, and stroke Spike's ego about his amazing butchery skills. Spike interviews that as far as the female chefs go, Stephanie is the strongest, and he'd like to see Antonia go. I'd want the same thing in his position, and not because Antonia is a bad chef. Even though the audience can't taste any of this food, we sure get an idea of how the chefs' work is generally perceived by the judges, and Antonia tends to blow Spike away. As do Richard and Stephanie. The chefs all agree that going home on this challenge would suck extra hard. Richard says that being eliminated now would be no different than being eliminated first. Really? Why don't we ask Nimma how she feels about that? Who? Exactly.

Commercials. Take advantage of a program that automatically relocates money from one of your accounts to another. It'll be super convenient when you start over-drawing and get pummeled with tons of fees!

The next evening, the chefs head for Rick's restaurant. That's an awful lot of neon for what's being presented as a classy steak house. The inside is very pretty, though. Once in the kitchen, Spike has five minutes to pick his proteins. He quickly sifts though the food in the walk-in, and settles on the same tomahawk chops he prepared in the Quickfire for his entree, and a bag of frozen scallops for his appetizer. The other chefs are all "Whaaaaaa?", because you know how these folks feel about frozen food. Lisa grabs shrimp and New York strip steak. Antonia gets some veggies and rib-eye. Stephanie takes veal sweetbread and tenderloin, explaining that they've got three hours to prep. Lisa says she'll be making a peanut butter mashed potato for her steak, which sounds odd and vaguely unappetizing, but I'd be curious to try it. Richard gets a purple flame going on the stove. He's preparing some thinly-sliced hamachi with some sweetbreads, and beef tenderloin.

Antonia and Lisa have a friendly spar about the heat of the oven that the show appears to try and play up as dramatic, even though they're totally kidding with each other. I have to say, with Dale gone, Lisa's a lot less irritating. She doesn't want to be eliminated. From now on, I'll just assume that you're all aware that nobody wants to be eliminated tonight. Spike says that when he opened his bag of scallops, they were all torn, and soaking wet. Now where would moisture come from in a bag of frozen shellfish? Ummmm..... He piles the scallops on paper towels in an effort to soak up the water. With an hour and a half left, Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. He intimates to Richard that his dishes are a bit simple, given the kind of twists Richard's done in the past. The barb gets under Richard's skin, but he tries to shrug it off. Ptom seems as skeptical of Lisa's peanut butter potatoes as I am. Spike tells him that he doesn't have a problem with using frozen scallops, but is disappointed in these particular ones. Ptom gathers the chefs to tell them they'll have about sixty diners, plus the judges and three VIP guests. Ptom himself will be expediting. Spike worries about his scallops, calling it "ironic" that his advantage bit him in the ass. I think Spike has been taking lessons in irony from Alanis Morissette. Antonia pre-prepares her steaks.

Commercials. Aw, forget the dumb chips. That's such a cute little piggy!

Time winds down, and the chefs put the finishing touches on their food. When time runs out, Ptom calls the chefs over to meet the three VIP guests. Why, It's Harold, Ilan, and Hung! Two deserving Top Chef winners, and a scum-sucking asshole I wouldn't piss on if he were on fire! I'll leave it you to sort out which is which. Ptom asks if the three of them have any suggestions for the fledgling chefs. Harold tells them to cook in their own styles, and to be true to themselves. Hung tells them to do what they've got to do to win; not be fan favorite. Someone's bitter! Ilan tells them not to shave anybody's head. Hahahahahaha! Because leading an attack on his enemy that paved the way for someone to be thrown out of the competition for assault is so fucking hilarious! Hahahaha! See, this is why I never buy any of that post-show whining about how the mean editors made someone look worse than they are in life. Those three just had exactly the responses you'd expect from them: Harold was straightforward and measured, Hung was practical if a bit full of himself, and Ilan was a rectal scraping from a diseased bison. I will be ignoring him for the rest of tonight. One season of him was plenty. The previous winners seat themselves, and Antonia worries that they'll probably be more critical than any judge.

Speaking of whom, Padma, Gail, and Rick walk in and join the table. Various diners pick and choose their appetizers, while Gail tells the server that the judges' table will be getting a tasting menu of everything. Ptom tells the chefs to make six portions of everything, cut down to about 1/3 the size. This throws everyone for a loop for some reason. Food begins to go out. Lisa's appetizer is grilled and chilled shrimp, with lemon zest and a tomato salad on some crostini. Hung thinks it needs more sugar, but Rick and Padma love the lemon. Gail and Harold agree that chilling the shrimp takes out a lot of its flavor. Richard's appetizer is thinly-sliced hamachi with crisped sweetbreads, which is served with radish, avocado, and yuzu. It looks good. Rick says that it's delicious, and a nice combination of hot and cold. He'd put it on his menu "in a heartbeat". Spike's scallops are seared and served with hearts of palm, oyster mushrooms, and scallions. The judges are all underwhelmed. Stephanie's veal sweetbreads are crisped, and served with golden raisins, pine nuts, bacon, fennel, and a sweet & sour sauce. Harold wishes the pine nuts had been toasted, but likes it very much overall. Hung likes the tartness. Gail says Stephanie's dish had everything Spike's didn't. Ouch. Antonia's mushroom and artichoke salad has a bacon vinaigrette and a perfectly poached egg on top. The judges like the egg, but are unimpressed with the rest of the salad.

Now, to the entrees. Richard plates too slowly for Ptom's tastes. It's because his plate has those artsy-fartsy slashes and dots of sauces. I think he's trying to make up for the simplicity of the food with an overly technical presentation. He's got a beef filet with a potato puree, and it's served with turnips, red wine, and pickled Brussels sprouts. Harold likes the pickled sprouts when combined with the meat, and Padma wonders why Richard didn't do that to begin with. Lisa has a New York strip steak with an apple caramel sauce, an apple/peanut gastrique, and the aforementioned peanut butter mashed potatoes. The judges aren't wowed by the meat itself, but the peanut butter potatoes are a nice surprise. Now I really want to try those. Spike's tomahawk chop looks overly done from the picture they show, and it's served with a sweet potato puree, blanched Brussels sprouts, and cipollini (similar to onions). As with his scallops, the entree gets a solid "meh". Stephanie's entree is beef tenderloin with wild mushrooms and an apple sauce. The judges think it's gorgeous, as well as tasty. Antonia sends out her bone-in rib-eye, served with fennel and cipollinis, with a shallot/potato gratin. Rick ranks it above the other entrees, because it's the most rounded.

Other diners enjoy the food. Contrived toasts are filmed. The service slows down. Stephanie is confident in how she did, and doesn't think she could have done any better. Ptom requests portions of everything for himself. Antonia interviews that she doesn't think she'll be going home, realizes that she's just set herself up for the Fate-tempting elimination, and immediately amends her statement to say she has no idea who's going. Heh.

Commercials. Sorry, M. Night. You've run out of strikes.

Judges' Table. The chefs settle in for their fret 'n' sweat, and load up on wine. Lisa raises her beer to the other chefs, saying that they're all "fuckin' awesome". She really has calmed down. Padma enters, thanks them for a great meal, and summons everyone to the table. Odd Asian music. Gong. Padma reminds the chefs that for one of them, the journey ends tonight. Thanks, I wasn't sure, what with the twenty billion interviews we've gotten about how it all comes down to this challenge. Richard is asked how he thinks he did, and he hedges, not wanting to be all "I was awesome!" right before getting shot down. The judges tease him a little more by asking if he'd put his appetizer on his own menu (he gives another ambiguous answer about tweaking a couple of things) before Rick lets him off the hook by saying how much he liked it. The main course wasn't as big a hit. Gail says the meat was a bit undercooked on some plates, and Richard can't keep a momentary dirty look off his face for that one. He recovers quickly. Stephanie didn't show any pressure until this moment. Rick loved her sweetbreads, and Padma asks if she'd change anything about the entree. Stephanie would have liked for it to have a little more acidity. The judges ascertain that she hadn't made that dish before.

Lisa's appetizer was good, but Gail wishes the shrimp had been warm. Rick says he struggled with her appetizer, saying he really couldn't "get [his] arms" around it. Her entree was more successful, though it could have used a little more technical skill. Ptom's steak was cooked somewhat unevenly. Antonia's egg was perfect, and her entree suited the atmosphere extremely well. Spike says he fell in love with the tomahawk chop in the Quickfire, so that's why he chose it for the Elimination Challenge. Gail says that her portion of his entree was very good. The dreaded frozen scallops are brought up. Ptom wonders why Spike didn't pick from the vast array of fresh ingredients. He hints that Spike had the option to send the scallops back and pick something else, but I got the sense that he was required by the rules to stick by the scallops once he picked them. I mean, Ptom would know better than I, but what would happen if Spike exchanged the scallops after everyone else picked their proteins? Would that go against the stated advantage for winning the Quickfire? It's a mystery.

Rick says that chefs have to make choices and that if a vendor brings in an unacceptable ingredient, the chef should change the game plan. Spike says that "with all due respect, they were in your walk-in, and they should never make it into the walk-in if it's not high quality". Richard's face mirrors mine, and conveys the following sentiment: "DAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMN!" Ptom gets a death glare. I will say this for Spike -- that took some balls. It was also one of the dumbest things he could possibly say at this point. Ptom and Company have done some scrambling since this episode, writing a blog post defending Rick by saying that the food brought in specifically for this episode included the frozen scallops, and that they're not generally a part of the restaurant's inventory. In fact, they were planted to see how the chefs responded to them. Naturally, Spike was unhappy to learn of this, calling it "bullshit" and "trickery at its best". That's true, and at the same time? Steering competitors away from a food source? Choosing ingredients based solely on how much damage he can do to the other chefs' menus? Sticking like glue to the dining room to avoid the inevitable disaster that befalls the kitchen? It's a tired cliche, but it's also a valid one: Don't dish it out if you can't take it. I'm not wild about the production laying that little trap, but nobody forced Spike to use the scallops, so I'm not very sympathetic.

The chefs are dismissed. Spike tries to repair some of the damage by shaking Rick's hand on the way out, saying it was an honor to work in his restaurant. Yeah, it's weak, but what can he do at this point? Back in the Kitchen, he says he can't believe he said that, and has no idea where it came from. From the section of your brain that frantically looks for someone else to blame for your mistakes? It's not like it's been in hiding. The other chefs are, like, "Sucks to be you." Deliberations. Ptom likes the challenge, because all of the chefs were self-contained. Yep, nobody to blame but yourself if something goes wrong. Not that I'm projecting my bias or anything. Rick says that Stephanie had the most well-rounded meal. Gail liked that she came up with something new. Richard's appetizer was innovative and delicious, but his entree was disjointed. Antonia's steak was probably the best entree, and she's a very insightful cook. Both of Spike's courses had issues. Ptom says that Spike wants to stick to a simple style, but that if you're going to do that, the food has to be perfect. Rick found him disappointing after such a successful Quickfire. Ptom says that "what bothers me about Lisa..."

Tiffany: "...is her face."

Heh. It's actually that he feels she's apathetic about her cooking. Padma thinks she has a good palate, and focuses more on flavor than technique. They try to decide between Spike and Lisa as to who had the bigger problem. Rick lies that this is a cooking competition, and that personality doesn't enter into it at all. He somehow manages to avoid being struck by lightning. I guess it's because he's the guest judge. Gail contradicts herself within two sentences by saying that Spike put more work into his dish, but agrees with Ptom when he says that Spike didn't put much work into his entree at all. Padma drama queens about what an important decision this is. The judges reach a verdict.

Commercials. Shear Genius is back, along with Jaclyn Smith as host.

LabRat: "Eh, I'm more of a Kate Jackson fan."
Limecrete: "You weren't in the cult of Farrah?"
LabRat: *scoffs*
Panny: "Farrah Fawcett has nipples like fucking push-pins."

Elimination. First, the good news. Stephanie wins her fifth Elimination Challenge. She gets a copy of Rick's book (Zzzzz...), followed by a bunch of kitchen appliances (Oooh, much better!). She also, obviously, is moving on to the finals in Puerto Rico. Richard had the favorite appetizer of the evening, and advances to the finals. Antonia had the favorite entree of the evening, and advances to the finals. The three of them are dismissed, and celebrate back in the Kitchen. Now, to the bottom two. Ptom tells Lisa she's been at the losers' table five times so far, and Spike has been there seven times. It's actually six and eight if you count tonight. Lisa isn't pushing hard enough. At least not with her food. Her shrimp was weak, and she needs to show more passion. Spike has to take responsibility for his choices, and needs greater skill if he's going to work with simple flavors. Over to Padma for the chop. Spike. Please pack your knives and go. Dug your own grave there, Spike. Geez, I don't even think Mike, who was so far beneath his competitors that they could have dropped a penny and killed him, was at losers' table so much.

Spike gives Lisa a hug, and thanks the judges for the opportunity. Lisa tells the judges she'll "bring it" for the finals. Oh, it's already been BROUGHTEN! Does Spike make sure to include how much awesomer he is than his competitors in his final interview? And how! After some more blather about how nobody puts Spikey in the corner, he and his hats drag themselves home. The final four are giddy and excited. Me, too. There's a good chance I'm going to be completely satisfied with the winner, which hasn't happened in a while.

Next week on Top Chef: Puerto Rico. Lisa has gotten herself a horribly unflattering bull-dyke haircut. Nothing against my lesbian brethren, but seriously, ladies. Enough with that. Chopping meat is apparently more dramatic than Ben-Hur.

Overall Grade: B+