That's the Way the Cookie Crumbles

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 10

Previously on Just Desserts: The American Psychiatric Association had to add an appendix to the DSM-IV just to cover the contestants on this show. People melted down more often than their ice cream. Seth went loony, Heatherh went snooty, and Malika went voluntarily. Eric shone as a lone bright spot. When the final elimination challenge loomed, Zac made a cartoonish cake that the judges wanted to fling into a barrel of DIP, and he was swiftly booted. Three chefs remain. Who will be the first winner of Just Desserts?

As with the previous episode, I'm converting the blurb to the full recap nine months late. So, the winner has already been chosen, celebrated, and forgotten, and the next batch of hopefuls waits on the horizon. Which, when I think about it, is entirely fitting.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Hey, remember in the last episode when I said I'd be apoplectic if Morgan insulting Zac's sexuality came out of nowhere and wasn't a relevant response to a direct, unwarranted attack? Well, here we are! Though being relieved Zac was eliminated is entirely understandable, calling him "an annoying little fairy" here is unacceptable, and frankly, I'm surprised Bravo let it pass without a whisper of the shitstorm that would quite rightly occur if he had ever called Erika an uppity nigger. I'm not a fan of Zac and his disco dust either, but he's perfectly entitled to do whatever he'd like with his penis, Morgan. And hey, if openly displaying one's sexual orientation is so annoying to you, stop bragging about your goddamn son every five minutes. You shot sperm into an orifice; you didn't storm the beach at Normandy.

Aside from that little blurb of nasty homophobia, all three of the chefs are anxious about their final challenge. They go to the Kitchen, and are met by Gail, who explains that the last hurdle will be to create a progressive, four-course tasting menu for twelve diners. That's all she says before she dismisses them, so their minds go agoggle at what the inevitable twist is going to be. That night, they meet Johnny at a bar for a drink, and dig into a few fancy desserts. After they've snacked, Johnny brings out the chefs responsible for the various treats: Sherry Yard, Elizabeth Faulkner, and another Name: Claudia Fleming. These three luminaries will be acting as sous chefs for the contestants. They pull names to see who gets matched up. Gidget gets Sherry, and Danielle gets Elizabeth, leaving poor Claudia at Morgan's disposal.

The next day, Gidget is mad at Morgan. Does it even matter why? Is anyone aching to pick a side? Suffice it to say that one annoying person that I'll be glad to see the back of is angry at another annoying person that I'll be glad to see the back of. That settled, the chefs head off for forty-five minutes of shopping with a $400 budget. Gidget makes sure to get in a couple of more digs at Morgan. Danielle is mostly just floating along on a cloud of giddiness that she's even in the finale.

Back in the Kitchen, the chefs meet up with their sous chefs, and get started on their seven hours of prep work. Gidget predicts a personality clash between Morgan and Claudia. Danielle puts Elizabeth to work shelling pistachio nuts. Ooh, I wish I had a bag of those right now. All the contestants give us an insight into what their menus are going to be like, but as always, I'll save that for later. Johnny drops by to Ptimewaste. Once he's gone, Morgan begins instructing Claudia on the various chemical methods he'd like to use to create his desserts. She freely admits to the camera that her techniques are a lot more Old School, so she has no freaking idea what calcium chloride is or what to do with it. Sherry cheerfully yells out that there's one hour left, and while she may be a fantastic chef, she's not winning any safety awards for swinging around a lit blowtorch while she talks. Time runs out. That night, Morgan chokes up as he talks about his son some more. Ugh, quit cramming your sexuality down our throats, breeder!

The next day, Gidget gives us some backstory about his father encouraging his dream of becoming a chef, and then passing away shortly thereafter. Aw, that's a shame. When the chefs arrive at the Kitchen, their assumption that they'll be getting further assistance from the celebrity sous chefs is crushed. Gail is lying in wait, along with all of the eliminated contestants. Except Seth, of course, because he's probably busy thrashing against the wall of a padded room somewhere. Malika looks fairly cheerful, all things considered. Gail explains that the Names will be joining the judges as diners, so the eliminated contestants will now be filling in as sous chefs. Fortunately, they don't get to pick their best friends, and must draw names again. Yay! Gidget draws Tim, and is thrilled. Danielle draws Tania, so she'll get a chance to make an actual impression on us now. And Morgan...draws Heatherh. Awkward! The five unchosen chefs will be joining the judges and Names as diners, bringing the total up to seventeen. They're thrilled to hear it. I don't understand why Gail didn't just say there would be seventeen diners at the outset, and it makes me wonder if the challenge changed midstream.

Once Gail and the eliminated contestants leave, the chefs have three hours to get everything done. An interview with Heatherh reveals that her feelings toward Morgan have not warmed since she her departure. She still has zero respect for him, and hopes outright that he does not win. The prospect of sabotage intrigues me. Actually, she appears to be doing her best, not that Morgan appreciates it. Danielle plans a cheese course to temper the sweetness of the overall menu. Gidget and Morgan both attempt little pearls of caviar, and while Gidget's appear to be coming out nicely, Morgan is struggling. Time winds down. The diners get seated. Claudia does not have glowing things to report about working with Morgan to the other diners, calling him a "typically male pastry chef". I'm not entirely sure all that that entails, but it's clear she doesn't mean it as a compliment. Pissing off established Names isn't going to do wonders for Morgan's career. The eliminated chefs toast each other, and the finalists emerge from the Kitchen to present their work.

Gidget's first course is a cucumber and lime sorbet with yogurt caviar pearls. That sounds wonderful, though it's a bit messy looking, and the way he introduces his meal by saying it's a "dance through his palate" makes my gorge rise. Morgan has a passion fruit cannoli, with mango carpaccio, a fluid gel, and tarragon jelly. It's kind of the flip side of Gidget's dish, sounding overcomplicated and strange tasting, but it sure is pretty. Danielle opens with her cheese course. It's goat's milk cheese from Spain, with a little hazelnut cake, roasted grapes, and fig jam. Sounds good. Tasting. Everyone gets good reviews. Morgan's dish is aesthetically appealing, and has strong flavors. Gidget's dish is refined and elegant. Danielle made a savory course that still retains an air of dessert.

Second course. Gidget has a strawberry sorbet with lemongrass/lime/ginger ice cream, and a berry meringue with consomme. Well, it takes something special to get Limecrete's Pick of the Week in the finale meal, but that ice cream/sorbet combination clinches it. Morgan has a blueberry pavlova with lemon cream in a citrus chamomile broth, and chamomile pearls. Danielle serves a "palate cleanser" of lemon parfait, with pomelo and tangerine sorbet, and a moscato granita. Tasting. Gidget has made a successful deconstruction, and once again, has shown admirable restraint. Danielle's doesn't really work visually, but everyone enjoys the flavors. Morgan sold his theme as inspired by light and primary colors, and isn't delivering on that promise. As with Danielle, nobody has anything bad to say about how it tastes.

Third course. Back in the Kitchen, Morgan's souffles are falling in on themselves, and Heatherh has the practical suggestion of serving the ones that came out okay to the judges, not that it'll help much when a Name sitting next to the judges has a collapsing dessert. She rescues as many as she can, and Morgan finally displays some gratitude. I guess that sabotage idea died on the vine. Presentation. Gidget has a muscovato slow-braised pineapple, with a coconut sponge cake. DRINK! It's served with a coconut lime soup with tapioca pearls. Morgan's Manjari (dark chocolate) souffle cake is served with raspberry sorbet and cocoa nib paper. Danielle has an array of ice creams. The first is her version of a baked Alaska, the second is a strawberry sundae, and the third is a homemade root beer float. I'd probably love each and every one of those, but I worry that the idea isn't elevated enough for the judges. Tasting. Gidget's flavor combinations are great, Morgan's souffle is a big disappointment, and Danielle's ice cream trio is a big hit. Elizabeth takes a moment to pat herself on the back. I guess she just can't help herself.

Fourth course. Dannielle baby voices that this is the last thing the judges will be eating in the competition. She is one smiley face away from telling everyone to sign her yearbook, and she hopes you never change! Stay sweet! English class was a blast, you guys! Anyway, Gidget has a hazelnut dacquoise with milk jam, and a salted caramel ice cream. Morgan has a white pepper creme brulee, with a black pepper baumkuchen and a blackberry anise macaroon. Hmm. That all sounds odd, but interesting. Danielle has a chocolate pudding cake with pistachio ice cream. Tasting. Gidget's milk jam candy is a huge hit. Gail says she wants to bathe herself in it, and judging by the Google search terms that bring people to my blog, a good portion of the internet's collective head just exploded. One of the Names is less impressed by the caramel ice cream. Danielle's is good, but lacked some elegance, and could probably have benefitted from a touch more salt. Morgan's baumkuchen is described as a "masterpiece".

The chefs emerge from the Kitchen one last time to accept their applause. The judges adjourn to deliberate. The chefs and their sous chefs pop open some champagne. That's it for the helpers. Um, so... Bye, Tania! It was great catching up with you! It's all over but the waiting, and they sit there dissecting their chances. Morgan is embarrassed about the collapsing souffles, but not so much that he doesn't think he'll beat the others, because their food was "boring". Oof, I know what he means. I'm always going out to restaurants and am all, "ANOTHER strawberry sorbet with lemongrass/lime/ginger ice cream, and a berry meringue with consomme? Give me a break!"

Interstitial. The chefs come up with various ways to reiterate that this is, indeed, the end of the line.

Judges' Table. Gail asks the chefs how they think they did. As with the dessert shop challenge, no matter how good the food Danielle puts out is, she really needs to work on how to interact with people like a functional human adult. She blathers some weirdness, while Gidget and Morgan give strong, if well-worn pageant answers. Now, to the food. Danielle's ice cream trio was a real bright spot. Gail threatens to follow her around and force her to make honey candy for Gail's enjoyment. Heh. Danielle's chocolate pudding cake finale was less impressive. Hubert liked the pistachio ice cream, but Johnny thinks the pulled sugar garnish is too much of an '80s gimmick.

Unsurprisingly, Dannielle is completely smurfy about the date metaphor Gidget came up with for his menu. You guys had better write me! BFF 4-EVA! Gidget's sorbet and ice cream combination was nice, but the waiters poured the consomme directly onto the meringue, turning it into mush. Well, Gidget shouldn't really be penalized too harshly for that. If that's the worst thing they can find to say about his desserts, he's got this wrapped up. After praising his pineapple dish highly, the judges move on to Morgan. Well, I guess that's it, then. Barring him jumping up on the table and spitting in Gail's face, Gidget had better start clearing a spot on his schedule for the winner's showcase.

Morgan's souffles were inconsistent. He explains that one tray turned out great, while the other one didn't cook as much. Dannielle got one of the good ones, and enjoyed it, but it looks like the damage has already been done. That said, Morgan's baumkuchen is unanimously heralded. Johnny is a bit nonplussed to see yet another macaroon from Morgan, but admits that he's really, really good at making them. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Hubert discusses the progression aspect of the challenge, which I actually wanted to bring up. If you're going to judge a chef on how well his or her dishes progress throughout the meal, it doesn't make any sense to be eating two other people's food concurrently. How can you honestly tell if Dish #3 naturally follows from Dish #2 if you're eating two other Dish #2 entries in between? I understand it would have been a bit weird (and too time-consuming) to eat through Gidget's entire menu, then Danielle's entire menu, then Morgan's entire menu, but it would certainly make judging menu progressions a lot less arbitrary. Dannielle is still wetting her pants over Gidget's romantic ideas.

Danielle has really stepped up in the past few challenges, which the judges have noticed. Her cheese course was a very smart idea, and her ice cream trio blew everyone away. Overall, her food was more elevated and sophisticated than it's ever been before. Morgan's food also had flashes of brilliance. His first course was probably the best food of the evening, visually. His pavlova showed a lot of technique, and the souffle that Dannielle got was perfect. He's also won more challenges than anybody else. Back in the Kitchen, Morgan says something about Claudia that's so bleeped out, I can't understand what he's talking about. The judges wrap up their deliberations.

Final decision. Danielle picked the right time to hit her stride. Gidget has a vast array of techniques, and he finally figured out when to pull back. Morgan is a dick. No, seriously. Johnny dresses it up by saying that "Nobody is ever going to push you as hard as you push yourself," which is a lovely euphemism for "Your disturbing level of aggression somehow works when you apply it to food." The first winner of Top Chef: Just Desserts is... Is... Well, Gidget, obviously. Weren't you paying attention a few paragraphs back? He's naturally thrilled, and Morgan and Danielle congratulate him warmly. He interviews that there are no words to describe it, as the judges join the contestants for the post-game hugs, where they are soon joined by the eliminated contestants.

Zac whoops for joy and jumps all over Gidget in a move that's 33% designed to draw attention to himself, 33% because he's happy for his friend, and 33% because it means Morgan didn't win. Speaking of Morgan, he and Danielle are a lot classier in their final interviews than a bunch of previous contestants, saying that they're very happy for Gidget, and that there's nobody they'd rather lose to. We go out on Gidget saying that he's looking forward to what this win will do for his career, and that he thinks his father would be proud to see what he's accomplished. No argument here.

Shall we get into the season postmortem? In a word, blech. It's easy to see why this inaugural season didn't live up to the potential it must have held in development: Casting, casting, casting. Listen, I get that reality television has to have weirdos and assholes in the mix. I understand that the producers believe watching twelve genial people being polite and saying only nice things in interviews would be boring. But there's a tipping point between competition and drama, and never since the suckhole that was Season 2 of Top Chef: Original Recipe has that divide been so unwisely crossed. You want to have an off-putting nutball here and an impassioned fight there? Fine. But it can't take over the narrative, and Just Desserts almost got swallowed in bullshit. Crazy Seth. Arrogant Morgan. Snobby Heatherh. Condescending Gidget. Attention Whore Zac. That's a lot of annoying people to take, and while Eric was lovely, and the rest of the cast was unobjectionable, it didn't even out the constant stream of negativity from those five. Especially Seth. Quirky is one thing. Pathological is another.

If we take the cast out of the picture, the rest of the show's aspects were good, but not enough of a saving grace. I liked most of the challenges, which is always a big deal. Nothing makes me angrier than a poorly-designed challenge, because it's not like the judges are ever going to admit as much, so they pretend the contestants screwed up at a task that nobody was ever going to excel in. Just Desserts never fell into that trap, and for that, I'm grateful.

The judging, on the other hand, was just so-so. I'm more than willing to accept Gail as a host, and she seems to be settling in okay. Johnny, on the other hand, needs some work. He's stiff, not terribly well-spoken, and some of his opinions come off as arbitrary. Maybe it's just a head judge thing, because I still haven't warmed to Ptom like the rest of the Top Chef community has. Maybe he just needs some practice. Hubert, who was so engaging as a judge on Original Recipe and a contestant on Masters is somewhat of a cipher here. Dannielle... I hate to say this, because she seems like a very nice woman. I'm sorry, but she needs to go. A judge has to stand out at something. They can be extremely knowledgeable. They can be extremely experienced and/or well-known to the general public. They can be extremely funny and acerbic. Hell, they can even find success as "the cranky one". Dannielle was none of those things, and frankly came off like they plucked some lady off the street.

I don't want to sound like I hated this season. I didn't. But given that they've got a slew of Top Chef seasons behind them, Just Desserts had no right to be such Amateur Hour television, first season or no. I'm more than willing to watch another season. The judges will probably gel better. The contestants may be less obnoxious. I'm looking forward to seeing what challenges they can pull out of the hat. As a first draft, Just Desserts has promise, but as a finished product, it's back to the drawing board.

Overall Grade: B-
Overall Season Grade: C-