5 Continents, 25 Cities, and More Than 40,000 Miles!

The Amazing Race - Season 7, Episode 11

Previously on The Amazing Race: Ryan and Chuck fell behind and were eliminated. Too bad. They looked fun. Megan and Heidi were ditzy Olivia Newton-John clones, and lasted one more episode than I thought they would. Debbie and Bianca thought "mountains" meant "that big, wet, salty thing that fish live in". Susan and Patrick whined a lot, and so did their boat. Ray and Deana bickered their way into last place and thankfully never recovered. Brian and Greg got lost, then practically naked. Lynn and Alex drove in the wrong direction one too many times, and left to be annoying elsewhere. Meredith and Gretchen ran out of other dumbass teams prone to screwups. Three teams remain. Who will win?

London. Phil explains the whole concept of the show. Thanks, Phil, but I'm not too sure people unfamiliar with the show are going to be tuning in for the finale. He's also sure to include his usual phrase "race around the world". Let's keep that phrase in mind for about fifteen seconds, shall we? Rob and Amber are the first team to leave the mat at 2:47 AM. They receive their clue, which sends them to Kingston, Jamaica. That'd be west. So....not really a race around the world, then. Unless I missed some important news about Asia seceding. Rob and Amber head for the airport, and find a 12:40 PM flight to Kingston. Eventually, all the teams will wind up on this flight.

4:26 AM. Ron and Kelly leave the mat. Sweet sassafras, how long did they spend at that Roadblock last week? Wow. Since they're boring in every respect except for the one where they hate each other, we listen to Kelly interview about how Ron can't see what a quality girl she is. She's smiling through the whole thing like even she knows what a line of crap she's spewing. Ron interviews that he never had to deal with this emotional stuff in the Army. Yes, Ron, but what about all those years before the Army? He wasn't born into the POW camp, was he?

4:41 AM. Uchenna and Joyce give us the word that the teams will be receiving $630 dollars for this leg of the race. They talk about how they love each other, and head for the airport. After all the teams get their tickets, Kelly decides there couldn't be a better time to talk about her and Ron's relationship. She talks about how much she wants them to be together, but he will not be pressured into marrying her, so they essentially break up. I'm sure that the pain and awkwardness stemming from this won't have any effect on their ability to run the race, right?

Kingston, Jamaica. Everyone grabs taxis to head for a beach called Frenchman's Cove. Ron refers to Jamaica as "a third-world country". Yeah, you always hear about how people love to spend their vacations and honeymoons in third-world countries. That's why there are always so many great packages to Ethiopia. Shut up, Ron. When the teams reach the cove, they find their next clue, and it's this week's Roadblock. In this Roadblock, a member of the team must do the limbo in order to determine their departure time the next morning. The lower you go, the earlier you can leave. This is the coolest Roadblock ever! It's tough to believe that this and the suck that was the "eat four pounds of meat" Roadblock came from the same minds. All of the ladies take the Roadblock. Amber and Kelly manage to get under the lowest setting, so they will leave at 8:15 AM the next morning. Joyce can't quite get that low, so she and Uchenna will be leaving at 8:30 AM. They will be going to a place called Grants Level, which I guess is the capitol building for The Land of Shitty Punctuation. Kelly talks about how Rob and Amber always seem to be right next to them, and that she thinks they're scared. Yeah, weepy, emotional women are really difficult to compete against. I'm sure all those gold medal winners are always whining about their boyfriends in the middle of the long jump.

In the taxi on the way to Grant Should Look Into Apostrophes, Rob talks about how they've got a one in three shot of winning a million dollars, and how most people never see that amount of money. He's talking about it as if his fiancee isn't sitting on a million dollars already, and it makes me want to jab a pencil in his eye. They get to the clue box, and it's a Detour. The choices? Raft It or Build It. In Raft It, you have to float 8 miles down the river with only a pole to steer. In Build It, you have to assemble a raft, then float it across the river to a clue. This isn't a very good Detour, since 8 miles is really, really far. I'm not that great at building things, but anyone who has the skill to put together a Target bookcase could assemble this raft. Everyone picks Build It, with Kelly making Ron choose the Detour so that she can yell at him later if they have trouble. Uchenna and Joyce catch up, so everyone is madly assembling. It goes pretty much how you'd expect. Rob and Amber are really fast but make risky choices like not wearing gloves. Uchenna and Joyce work steadily and are pretty efficient. Ron and Kelly bicker and argue, and focus way too much on what everyone else is doing.

Rob snaps at Amber a little bit, then apologizes. Amber says "I'll do whatever I can to make you happy. Then after the race, you can make me happy." Naughty! At least if his mouth is busy, she won't have to listen to that accent. Ew, I just grossed myself out. Rob and Amber finish the raft, but have built an extra section into it they have to take out. Ron and Kelly finish, but one of their bamboo poles isn't in the right position. Uchenna and Joyce finish, and it's perfect. Rob and Amber finish successfully soon after. Both teams get across the river and get their clues, which sends them to Round Hill in Montego Bay, the pit stop. Ron and Kelly are left behind as the others take off. They finally finish the raft, and head out, not stopping the bickering for a second.

So now it's a three-way taxi race to the pit stop. The Bad Luck Imp giggles with delight as he throws problem after problem at them. Everyone has to stop for gas. Rob and Amber get caught at a routine security checkpoint. Uchenna and Joyce get a flat tire. Everyone's stressed and upset. Rob angrily talks about how the cop may have cost him a million bucks. Yeah, so did you flapping your gums about the earlier flight to Turkey, so shut up. The flat tire put Uchenna and Joyce far behind, so Ron/Kelly and Rob/Amber race for the mat, with Ron/Kelly barely edging them out. They win nothing, of course. Uchenna and Joyce finally arrive, and are told they're last, but of course this is the final non-elimination point. They're stripped of their money and possessions. Boo!

We're back for the second part. 2:37 AM. Ron and Kelly leave the mat and head for the town of Lucea, where they'll have to pick up a bag of onions and take them to a restaurant, then chop fifty of them. Oh, and they're still broken up. They tell the guy who calls a taxi for them not to call one for anyone else, and he basically accuses them of cheating. Ha! That was funny.

2:38 AM. Rob and Amber leave, and let us know that everyone except Uchenna and Joyce will be receiving $445 for this leg. Rob brags about how they've got the race in the bag. Fate raises her eyebrow and grins.

2:48 AM. Uchenna and Joyce. I guess ten minutes isn't too bad, but that lack of funds is troublesome. They want to go to the airport to beg, and catch a ride there after a while. Ron and Kelly have to stop for directions, so Rob and Amber are first to the onions. She very intelligently suggests picking up the lightest bag, since chopping 50 small onions is bound to take less time than 50 large ones. Both teams get to the restaurant and much chopping ensues. Uchenna and Joyce are having some trouble begging at the airport. This is just painful to watch. Rob and Amber finish their onions and take off. Ron interviews that Rob has fear in his eyes. No, that would be tears from chopping onions. He says that if Rob doesn't think he has competition, then he's an idiot. Rob is many things, and I don't like most of them, but idiot he is not. They finish and leave for the next destination, Rose Hill, which is gorgeous.

Both lead teams arrive at the clue box at the same time. Detour. Pony Up or Tee It Up. In Pony Up, you have to (really) ride a horse into the ocean. When it starts swimming you get off and hold on to its tail. Then you go around a buoy and back to shore. Nobody picks this one, which is a damn shame. In Tee It Up, you dress in dumb golf clothes and alternate hitting golf balls at a 15-foot area about 140 yards away. Yeah, that does sound significantly faster. Still, I wanted to see the horse one. Boo! Uchenna and Joyce have gotten enough money for a cab and get their onions and Ron/Kelly and Rob/Amber begin. Weird symphonic music plays as their balls fly all over the place. Not so sure Beethoven was an avid golfer, there. Uchenna and Joyce chop. Rob hits the area, and he and Amber get their next clue, which sends them to a fort in San Juan, Puerto Rico. Oh, I so want to go there. Apparently, they included flight information in the clue, because Rob knows there's a flight at 9:15, and they have twenty minutes to make it. At this point, I turned to my friend and said, "Oh, they'll make it. Fucking Rob and Amber always make it."

Uchenna and Joyce? Still chopping. Kelly hits the area. As they get into their taxi, Ron beats himself up about doing a bad job with the golfing, saying he deserves a pickaxe through his skull. Ew. Kelly just grins. They're weird. Rob and Amber are at the airport and ask to get onto the flight. It's already boarding and without tickets or even standby, let alone not having been through security, they are denied. "Unbelievable!" Rob yelps as if it's all so unfair. He complains again that the ticket agents may have cost him a million bucks. Of course, their leprechaun luck kicks in again as they discover that the 8:03 flight has been delayed to 9:54, so they can get on that one. "Unbelievable!" I yell, because it's all so unfair. Ron and Kelly show up, and want that flight as well, but it's too late. They'll be on the 12:42 flight. Uchenna and Joyce finally finish chopping their onions. The taxi driver agrees to take them to Rose Hall. He must be doing this on charity at this point. Bless you, taxi driver.

And then, some quick intercuts. Rob and Amber arrive in San Juan. Uchenna and Joyce choose Tee It Up. Rob and Amber get the clue that sends them to the Aguadilla abandoned sugar mine. That so sounds like the title of a Nancy Drew book. The Abandoned Sugar Mine! She was such a snot, wasn't she? And a tease, too. I never knew what Ned Nickerson saw in her. What? Oh, the race. Fine. Ron and Kelly get on their flight to San Juan. The editing would suggest that Uchenna and Joyce hit the area with the golf ball practically right away, but that seems a bit fishy. In the taxi, we see that Joyce still has her golf clothes on. Thief! They get to the airport and get a 4:58 flight to San Juan. Not bad, considering how far behind they were. They do some additional begging. Ugh. Rob and Amber arrive at the sugar mine, and discover that it doesn't open until 7:30 AM. Yep, we all knew there'd be an equalizing point somewhere. The other two teams eventually catch up, so everyone's even again.

The next morning everyone runs in. Roadblock. Whoever takes it has to jump 30 feet into the river, then swim 90 yards to the clue. Easy! Rob and Amber run in the wrong direction. Ron and Uchenna take the Roadblock, and both give a mighty yell as they hurl themselves into the water. Rob and Amber figure out they're in the wrong place. Rob whines AGAIN about this being a million-dollar mistake. I understand you want to win, but if you're so concerned with a million dollars, why don't you sit at home and COUNT THE MILLION DOLLARS YOU ALREADY HAVE? Gah! Stop trying to make us feel bad for you. We don't. Ron and Uchenna reach the clue, which sends them to the final destination city of Miami. Once there, they have to find a clue at the Rickenbacker causeway, which has no special qualities except it's really fun to say "Rickenbacker". Amber jumps. Everyone's driving to the airport. I think the worst thing about this Roadblock would be traveling around in wet clothes. That would drive me batty. Everyone hits a toll booth (not literally, of course), and Ron picks the longest line to get into for some reason, so Rob and Amber are able to take the lead again. They see a sign, and Rob says that the helpful signs really make it easy to navigate. Which of course leads us into the scene where Kelly says "go left". Ron does, and she starts screeching about how he should have gone right. He screeches back about how she told him to go left. She yells at him about not reading the signs. He yells at her about giving him crappy directions. She, knowing that it's completely her fault but not wanting to admit it, tells him to shut up. He tells her to shut up. I sit back and grin smugly, knowing that their fight has cost them a million dollars.

Rob/Amber and Uchenna/Joyce find an 11:15 flight to Miami. There's a 10:00 one, but it is already closed. Rob and Amber buy 11:15 tickets, but then go elsewhere and bargain their way onto the 10:00 one. This show should just be titled Ticket Agents Are Always Wrong. I swear this happens every season. I'm never believing an agent again. Uchenna and Joyce also get an 11:15 ticket, but run for the 10:00 as well. Then, and I still can't believe this, the pilot (who has already pulled away from the gate) comes back and allows Uchenna and Joyce to board. Wow. WOW! Ron and Kelly, their doom now sealed, get tickets on the 11:15.

Miami. The two lead teams head for the causeway. The 11:15 flight is delayed even further to 11:40. Buh bye, Ron and Kelly. Ron and Amber hit the clue first. It sends them to Little Havana, where they have to find the King of the Havanas. What they do not know is that it is a store known by its Spanish name (El Rey de las Havanas). It's located on Calle Ocho (that would be in Spanish, so you'd think one of them would figure out the clue). They ask their cab driver where it is, but he doesn't know (THAT'S for having the guy in Peru lead you around all day). They get to Little Havana, but cannot find the store. Uchenna and Joyce get the clue. Rob and Amber ask again and get bad directions (THAT'S for Sanjay, who did all your navigating in India). Fatefully, Uchenna and Joyce's cab driver asks someone for directions in Spanish, so they get precise directions to the store. Who says foreigners ruin America? They easily find the shop, and the clue that leads them to the finish line, Bonnet House in Fort Lauderdale. Wait, I thought they said Miami was the final destination city. Is Ft. Lauderdale part of Miami? I'm so confused and ashamed. You'd think someone who spent his entire childhood playing Where in the USA is Carmen Sandiego? would know this crap. Rob and Amber's driver ditches them as they search for the shop (THAT'S for Stuart in London solving all those riddles for you).

Rob finds what he thinks is the right shop, but it's a tire store. They do find their driver again, though. Uchenna and Joyce don't have enough money to pay the cab driver. They promise to make money along the way. Er...how? Rob and Amber are still lost. Uchenna and Joyce are still poor. Rob and Amber finally find the clue. Ron and Kelly arrive in Miami. Yeah, who cares? Uchenna and Joyce arrive at the Bonnet House, but no money has magically materialized during the car ride. Uchenna offers a ring in exchange, but the driver doesn't accept, and is pissed, as he has every right to be. Uchenna and Joyce start hysterically begging from nearby cars. Rob and Amber are on their way to the finish line. Eek! Uchenna and Joyce finally finish paying off the cabbie, and dash towards the finish. Brian and Greg have grown really ugly '70s porn mustaches. Deana looks much better than she did on the race. Patrick is whispering "UchennaandJoyce...UchennaandJoyce" over and over. Uchenna and Joyce are approaching. Lynn and Alex are thrilled. No surprise there. There is yelling. There is screaming. And....kapow! They're on the mat.

Uchenna yowls in victory and thanks all the other teams for the support they've given. When asked about what they'll do with the money, he yells "in vitro, here we come!" which is the weirdest phrase to ever be screeched in ecstasy. After that, he gives a shout-out to adoption, which is nice. All the bases covered as far as Ways To Get A Baby Without Knocking Up Your Wife, they talk about how much they love one another. Debbie rests her head on Bianca's shoulder in a way she thinks is cute, but isn't. Oh, here come Rob and Amber. They get golf claps from the other teams. Ouch. They're good sports as they shake Uchenna and Joyce's hands. Phil talks about what a competitive race they ran. Yeah, no kidding. Rob's upset about not winning, but is happy to have Amber, and congratulates Uchenna and Joyce again. Amber says her next goal in life is to get married (catch it on CBS!) and start a family (be sure to catch that on CBS, too! I'm sure a few years down the road we'll have A Very Special Rob and Amber Thanksgiving, and after that, A Very Special Rob and Amber Funeral). Ron and Kelly arrive some time later, and talk about how they're basically through with each other. Probably not the sweet ending the producers wanted with this couple. Uchenna and Joyce interview about how much they love each other once more, and we are done. Maybe not the most skillful racers ever to win the race, but boy am I relieved.

Overall Grade: B+